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“It Wasn’t My Fault!” Our finger-pointing instinct can lead to some curiously phrased accident report explanations. Like these:

• “I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”

• “Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”

• “The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go so I ran over him.”

And 26 more. See page 94 in Laughter is the Spice of Life for the full laugh-a-minute list!

Worth of a Rib Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said, “I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “I was going to give you a companion, and it would be a woman.”

God continued: “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She won’t nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagree¬ment. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.”

Adam asked God, “What would a woman like this cost me?”

God said, “An arm and a leg.”

Adam then asked, “What can I get for just a rib?”

Read more stories like this in Chapter 5 of Laughter is the Spice of Life: “Till Death (or Insanity) Do Us Part!”

Choosing the Amusing When I was in the seventh grade, I had an experience in my sewing class which, if my person were evaluated on the basis of my performance, I would score a zero! I had come into the class optimistically expecting to master the art of sewing within the first few weeks. My confidence was reinforced by the teacher’s promise that we could all become expert seamstresses by the end of the semester.

The first week of class was entitled “Knowing Our Machine.” I soon discovered my machine had no desire to be known. In fact, it had no interest in a relationship whatsoever! I watched intently as our teacher demonstrated the intricate maze the thread had to follow from the spool to the needle. Every time I thought I had successfully completed each step and pressed the lever to begin the magical process of sewing, the thread would be slurped up by some unknown force and flail wildly about on the spool. Threading the machine was not the only difficulty I experienced.

To the left of the needle there is a little trap door where the bobbin lives. On the third day of class, for some inexplicable reason, my bobbin chose to fling itself out upon the floor and go racing across the room. The thread was bright red and left a telltale path to my machine. At this point my classmates gleefully assumed my ineptitude would provide them innumerable laughs throughout the semester. The teacher, however, did not appear to relish that prospect. As she loomed over my machine with errant bobbin in hand, she said in carefully controlled tones, “Apparently we don’t know our machine.”

Read more of Marilyn Meberg’s misadventures in sewing on page 98 in Laughter is the Spice of Life!

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Things I’ve Learned from My Children • A four-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. • When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh-oh,” it’s already too late. • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. • VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. • Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

Get the whole uproarious list, starting on page 105 in Help, I Can’t Stop Laughing!

Nuptial Humor While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife, Grace, listened to the instructor. “It is essential that husband and wife know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the men. “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently, and whispered, it’s Pillsbury isn’t it?

Read more marriage laughs, starting on page 155 Help, I Can’t Stop Laughing!

Embarrassment: Life’s Natural Blush Nearing midlife, I’ve survived nearly every conceivable form of embarrassment. I’ve fallen from platforms—face up and face down.

I’ve unknowingly carried a bag of trash, dangling it daintily from my arm, up and down a crowded mall—believing all the while I was carrying my purse.

I’ve been shopping for clothes and noticed a sudden chill beneath my waist, then realized—with a start— that my wraparound skirt had become unwrapped.

I’ve called my husband home to help me retrieve my keys from a locked car—only to discover that the driver side window had been rolled completely down the entire time.

I’ve put eyeshadow on my lips and lipstick on my eyelids. Spray starched my hair, and hair sprayed my blouses…

Then there was the day the elementary principal asked me to come in to discuss my son’s problems with his organizational skills and how I might help him “just generally get his act together.” After the conference with the principal, I assured her I’d help “get my son together.” I walked out of the office and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the office window. My embarrassment blossomed into full red-faced bloom when I realized I’d been reassuring the principal—with a forgotten curler bobbing atop the center of my head.

Becky Freeman has more guffaws for you on page 194 in Help, I Can’t Stop Laughing!

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