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Gloria Gorss, the contributor of this piece, is the facilitator of a newly established peer-led Suicide Anonymous group for the Knoxville area. The group meets on the third Tuesday of each month at 7 PM. Meetings will be held in Room 111 at Cornerstone of Recovery, located at 4726 Alcoa Highway in Louisville, ZIP 37777. For more information, contact the TSPN central office at tspn@tspn.org. I am a 64-year-old woman. Wife of 44 years; mother of two and grandmother of seven beautiful grandchildren. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband and we live in a lovely home. I have many friends and I am involved in various volunteer opportunities and sing in the church choir. One of my most favorite things in life is to take a nap. My theory on solving the world’s problems; “Life would be a happier and healthier place if every day, we all just took a little nap.” Sounds like a pretty awesome happy image of a woman my age, doesn’t it? A great life with nothing to want for or need... however, all is not as it appears. In an ironic coincidence, taking a nap turned into a dark obsession for me and my world wasn’t a happier place for it. So, this really happy grandmother who loves her family, her life, and her naps, tried to take her life one warm August day in 2013 with an overdose of pills. After my attempt to take my life that August day, I found myself in the ER staring at my husband and daughter. Waking up alive had not been the plan. All I could think was, “WOW, my nap theory didn’t end the way I planned, and I really screwed this up.” After the embarrassing ER experience, I was committed to a psychiatric center for a four-day evaluation. When released from there, I admitted myself to a recovery center for four weeks. My four-day stay at Peninsula Mental Health Center and the police car transport there was the most scary, demeaning, and horrifying event in my life. Peninsula is like a minimum security prison. Just thinking about my stay there still brings tears to my eyes. This is not a place anyone wants to be. After four days I finally got out. Talk about feeling pretty disgusted and ashamed, me a grandmother, how could I have done this? What does my family think of me? What is wrong with me? If you think dealing with the thoughts that you were obsessed with before your attempt were tough and overwhelming, waking up alive after an attempt brings on a whole new set of problems full of guilt and shame. After the Peninsula stay, I met with my doctor and my family and we discussed my options for treatment. I voluntarily admitted myself to Cornerstone Rehab Center. Cornerstone was like the Hilton compared to Peninsula. I was there four weeks and began facing the hard cold facts of my life. Because Cornerstone is a Twelve Step program, I had to attend AA and NA meetings every day. I wasn’t sure I really fit into either of these places and kept trying to talk to the counselors and asking for counseling help with my suicide attempt and my depression. Cornerstone was supposed to be a dual-diagnosis treatment center where they treat both the emotions of depression, mental illness and also address AA and NA Twelve Step work. Unfortunately I never got any treatment at all for my depression so; I was still in a pretty weak and foggy place when I left. After I got out, and at the recommendation of Cornerstone, I continued attending NA meetings for about four months. I still wasn’t relating. I felt my depression and sick mind were the

The Search for the Perfect Nap

In this issue:

Spotlight: With Help Comes Hope

4

Suicide Anonymous

5

Crisis Resources in Your Area

6

Need Help Right Now?

6

Spotlight: “Stories of Hope and Recovery”

4

stories of people who have survived suicide attempts

can you hear me?

february - march 2015 issue 9

(continued on page 2)

TSPN works across the state to eliminate the stigma of suicide and

educate communities about the warning signs of

suicide, with the ultimate goal of reducing suicide

rates in the state of Tennessee.

TSPN’s continued

success is due in large part to volunteers willing to donate their time and

energy.

If you would like to volunteer with TSPN, please

call (615) 297-1077 or e-mail tspn@tspn.org.

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source of my problems; the drugs were just a tool. I believed if I had not had the drugs on hand, I would have tried something else. It was never about the drugs. That’s where my recovery has taken me. How and why did I reach a point where I felt ending my life was the only solution available to me? Even though I chose pills for my attempt, I just didn’t feel like I was an addict. Yes, I did abuse my pills the last few months before my attempt, but mostly trying to find a way out, the perfect, endless nap. I never felt like I was addicted to them, and I didn’t have drug-seeking behavior. I just enjoyed that sense of numbness and the not having to feel anything in that special place I could escape to. I must admit, drugs did play a big part in my irrational thinking and behavior in that year before my attempt. After months of NA and still searching for something to fit my needs, I finally found SA, Suicide Anonymous. Who knew there was even a need for this type of fellowship and therapy? There were no meetings in Knoxville so I got online and have been attending weekly Skype meetings from Colorado, Memphis and New Jersey. I have been working the Twelve Step SA program and seeing my two therapists for the last 14 months. I know I am in a better place than I was last year. Yet still, the mental illness that I am experiencing is still very much a part of my everyday life. I still battle depression and always will. Having tools and steps to use has helped me out of sinking farther into my depression. I am very grateful for my online world of SA friends and mentors. My therapist and psychiatrist have been helpful too. How I got to the point of wanting to take my life is at first hard to believe or understand. I can now see how things spiraled out of control and I landed in a very dark place. Aside from dealing everyday with my depression and inner demons, lack of self-worth and feelings of uselessness, four years ago, my health took a bad turn. I had to have brain surgery and through the course of a long hospital stay contracted a bacterial infection in my lungs. I suffered and struggled with recovery from the surgery and pneumonia and other pulmonary problems including a blood clot in my lungs. I was on oxygen and a walker. I now have congestive heart failure. It was a pretty miserable three years for me. I became a virtual invalid and barely left my house. My mood became darker and darker. Before this, I played golf, volunteered in my church and led a pretty active fulfilling lifestyle. This new situation became a death trap for me. The pain and other problems related to my recovery, took over my life. I did nothing but worry and obsess about my health, doctor's visits, medications and the burden I had become to my family. I became more and more depressed. My mind spiraled out of control. Those old feelings of being unworthy and useless started haunting me again. The more people tried to help me the worst I felt. I didn't like this feeling of being out of control of my body and now my mind. I was descending into madness. My pre-occupation with ending my life began to seem like a very viable solution to my problems. I didn’t realize at the time my sickness about suicide ideation had begun. I was convinced I was dying and started thinking “Why not hurry it along?” I was sure my being gone would help everyone. I would be out of pain and no longer a burden to my family. I felt my friends and family would be able to move on and not have to worry and take care of me. I never shared these feelings with anyone, not even the therapist to whom I have bared my soul regarding all of the traumas and problems in my life. This was my secret. More and more, it began to seem a real and rational decision. I now see how irrational and mentally unstable I had become. I actually believed this decision to be valid. I began fantasizing about how to end my life. Many options swirled around in my mind. Because I love naps, I started with the idea that the endless nap would be the best way for me. I would arrange it so one day I would lie down and not wake up. Surely there wouldn't be too much pain involved and it wouldn't be messy or hard to do. Getting drugs was a simple chore for me. I was on so many medications, for pain, anxiety, depression and other physical

The Search for the Perfect Nap (continued)

can you hear me? february - march 2015 issue 9

(continued on page 3)

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ailments; I had a treasure of endless drugs. My doctors were always happy to prescribe more. I began testing my nap theory by mixing various meds and lying down to take "my little nap". I played with how much I could tolerate and still wake up. I loved escaping to my special pain-free place for a few hours whenever I wanted. I did this often and felt very powerful and in control, my secret. I began to know just how much I could take for my nap and yet not sleep forever. I also knew that any day I wanted, I could turn "my little nap" into an "endless nap" by just taking more drugs. I continued the search for the “perfect nap” for about a year while my physical and mental pain continued to be out of control. In the meantime, it never occurred to me that I was showing any signs to my family that I was not acting normal. I didn’t realize that often after my nap, I would appear zombie-like with slurred speech, that I was showing signs of confusion and forgetfulness. I really thought I was controlling everything quite well. The family began to catch on to the drug use but had no idea why I was doing it. After being confronted, I was of course embarrassed and ashamed. I promised everyone that I would stop doing this and things would be OK, I would seek treatment. Of course being the loving family that they were, they believed me. After being busted, my whole life out there for all to view, I felt even more ashamed and worthless. It was then my “perfect nap” theory really began to formulate into a real plan. That’s when one day in August I decided it was time for “the endless nap”. Life was just too painful; I couldn’t face my family now and I couldn’t live any longer feeling this way. And so, that morning, I scooped up just about every pill I had in my drawer and took them. I knew this day I had a lot of time alone and no one would be looking for me. I could sleep forever, go to my special place and enjoy "my endless nap". Well, God stepped in and brought my husband home earlier than I expected. He found me, called 911 and that's where this story ended and a new one began.

Waking up alive! A new plan. It's a new life and I am working hard to find ways to heal myself and move forward. We need to get the word out to other people who are suffering from this tragedy. I am committing myself to try to help and reach as many people as I can who are hurting. This is the first time I have gone public with my story. I have told a few friends, but haven't been ready to share it all completely with just anyone. However, because of my therapy and Twelve Step work, I am becoming braver and stronger. I have been encouraged to start sharing by my SA sponsor and therapist and my SA online family. It’s these people who attend the SA meetings I can relate to. They know and understand the pain and struggle of suicide ideation and the attempt. I do believe more healing will come the more I can share my story, listen to others share theirs, and remember the First and Second Steps, “I am powerless over my illness” and “I turn my life over to God’s will, not mine”. Together by sharing our struggles in recovery we can make a difference. I am continuing to work on forming an SA meeting here in Knoxville; it’s my dream and way of paying it forward. Today I still battle depression and have down days. However I am surrounded by support from my SA family and know how to use the Twelve Step tools to help me redirect my feelings and emotions. I only have to live one day at a time and know that God is in charge and will help me each step of the way. With God in charge I am forgiven and free to live my life with faith and hope. I make the choice every day to be happy, God shows me how to obtain that happiness. Praise God.

The Search for the Perfect Nap (continued)

can you hear me? february - march 2015 issue 9

Sourced from anxietyandhumor.tumblr.com.

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Spotlight: With Help Comes Hope

can you hear me? february - march 2015 issue 9

“With Help Comes Hope” is a website developed by the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for survivors of suicide attempts. The website, located at lifelineforattemptsurvivors.org, offers stories for survivors of attempts, as well as resources for family, friends, and clinicians. These stories are available in both text and video format. Visitors to the site can submit tips on self-care activities and routines that help them deal with stress and depression. The site also includes recommendations for creating a safety plan-for both people in therapy and for the clinicians working with them. Also offered our resource lists for both attempt survivors and their loved ones, as well as a link to the Lifeline’s services and support group locator. People interested in researching or learning more about the lived experience movement will be interested in the site’s timeline of the suicide attempt survivors’ involvement in the national suicide prevention movement and the emergence of the lived experience movement out of the former. This site, which debuted in December, is a work in progress and more content will be added in coming weeks and months. We encourage our readers to submit their own stories and suggestions to “With Help Comes Hope”. This is

an excellent opportunity to join the lived experience community in helping each other and the general public change the conversation about suicide and mental illness.

“Stories Of Hope and Recovery: A Video Guide for Suicide Attempt Survivors” is a joint production of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), a division of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The four segments, which run a total of 37 minutes in length, feature stories from three survivors of suicide attempts, their families, and the professionals who helped them in the days and months after. Jordan Burnham, Terry Wise, and David Lilley come from diverse backgrounds and attempted suicide at different points in their lives. But they each have a powerful story about how they recovered from their attempts physically, emotionally, and spiritually. “Stories of Hope and Recovery” was originally intended for use by medical and behavioral health professionals to help survivors of suicide attempts to seek follow-up care. But it is also suitable for survivors of attempts, their friends, and their families understand the suicidal thought process and how they can help them in the aftermath. The entire series is available on YouTube (http://bit.ly/1KqJmAX) or on a single DVD from SAMHSA’s online store (http://store.samhsa.gov).

Spotlight: “Stories of Hope and Recovery”

Visitors to “With Help Comes Hope” can submit their tips for self-care or read those of others, like this one featured on the homepage.

A still from David Lilley’s segment, showing him at work as a certified recovery/peer specialist for the Columbia Montour Snyder Union Counties of Central Pennsylvania Service System.

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Suicide Anonymous (SA) is a self-help program based on the model of Alcoholics Anonymous. It provides a safe environment for people to share their struggles with suicide and to develop strategies for recovery from suicidal preoccupation and behavior. Suicidal people do not have safe places to talk honestly about their struggles with suicide. The stigma towards suicide pervades every segment of our society, including religious organizations and even the mental health field. SA, therefore, exists to offer a support system for survivors, to make a distinction between the suicide attempt and the person involved, to cast off the societal stigma that too often plagues the survivor, and to develop strategies for mutual support and healing. During each meeting, a chairperson presents topics and members share their experiences or simply listen. Members also provide updates about how they are dealing with their suicidal impulses. Talking openly about suicide with people who understand the problem lessens the shame and stigma, combats isolation, and shows that it is safe to reach out for support in a crisis. In sharing their stories, members overcome the shame and stigma of a life of struggle with suicide. Meanwhile, listeners identify with the story or break through denial of the extent of their own struggles. New participants pick experienced members to guide them through the Twelve Steps model. They also exchange phone numbers with group members as a resource for crises between meetings. Members learn to reach out to fellow members for support in a suicidal crisis. They also get to experience the other end of a suicide crisis. Members also select bottom-line behaviors for themselves. These are component behaviors of suicidality like hoarding pills, suicidal fantasies, compulsively driving through cemeteries, etc.. Members commit to stop bottom-line behaviors one day at a time , and these behaviors may change with progress in recovery.

The SA website suicideanonymous.net features information on groups outside Tennessee with Skype/phone capability. The site also offers the full text of the Little Book, the guiding document of Suicide Anonymous, which discusses the problem of suicide addiction from the viewpoint of the person affected. Interested parties may also contact the group directly at info@suicideanonymous.net or (901) 654-7673.

Suicide Anonymous

can you hear me? february - march 2015 issue 9

Meeting times in Tennessee Skype /phone available

Every Sunday, 6:30 PM Central / 7:30 PM Eastern Room 223, Hope Presbyterian Church 8500 Walnut Grove Road Cordova, TN 38018

Yes (e-mail suicide.anonymous0811@gmail.com one hour prior to meeting start)

Every Thursday, 5:30 PM Central / 6:30 PM Eastern Psychological Trauma & Wellness Center 5158 Stage Road, Suite 120 Memphis, TN 38134

No

Third Tuesday, 6 PM Central / 7 PM Eastern Room 111, Cornerstone of Recovery 4726 Alcoa Highway Louisville, TN 37777

No

“can you hear me?” wants your articles, poetry, prose, and artwork for the next issue and the ones to come. We’ll also need suggestions and recommendations on how we can make it better.

If there’s a piece you want to submit to the newsletter, send it to tspn@tspn.org with the subject line

“CYMH Submission”.

Feedback and suggestions can also be sent to this address with the subject line “CYHM Feedback”.

6

Need Help Right Now?

Feelings of hopelessness, feeling trapped, feeling like a burden to others, increased alcohol or drug consumption, sleeping too little or too much, and

withdrawing or feeling isolated from others are signs that you or a loved one may need help now.

If you or a loved one are feeling suicidal, please seek help immediately. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK or visit

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

can you hear me? february - march 2015 issue 9

This map of crisis response teams and facilities is provided to TSPN courtesy of Melissa Sparks, Director of the Office of Crisis Services and Suicide Prevention within the Tennessee Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse’s Division of Mental Health Services. More information about these facilities is available from Ms. Sparks at (615) 253-4641 or melissa.sparks@tn.gov.

Crisis Resources in Your Area