Can you train your Teen?! Can you train your Teen?!

William B. Berman, Ph.D.William B. Berman, Ph.D.www.christianfamilyinstitute.com

WHAT IS ADOLESCENCE?WHAT IS ADOLESCENCE? A Mental Illness?

Split personality with one foot firmly planted on each side of opposing two realities

Most teens recover without treatment Most teens survive long enough to become

eligible and choose to become adults

Reverse genetics (We inherit a mental disorder from our teenagers)

A time when parents age faster than their children

A time when the children we have been correcting start correcting us

What others have said about What others have said about adolescentsadolescents

Mark TwainMark Twain        When child born, buy large barrel of whiskey and tap itWhen child born, buy large barrel of whiskey and tap it        When child turns 13, place child in empty barrel, nail When child turns 13, place child in empty barrel, nail

lid shut, remove tap for breathing holelid shut, remove tap for breathing hole        When child turns 16, plug the hole!When child turns 16, plug the hole!    Pastor's sermon seriesPastor's sermon series        Before his first child:  Before his first child:  "10 Commandments for Parents""10 Commandments for Parents"        After first child born:  After first child born:  "10 Suggestions for Parents""10 Suggestions for Parents"        When his first child turned 13:  When his first child turned 13:  "A Few Hints for "A Few Hints for

Parents"Parents"        When his first child turned 16:  He quit preaching!When his first child turned 16:  He quit preaching!

What does the Bible say about What does the Bible say about adolescents?adolescents?

    Exodus 20:13Exodus 20:13                "Thou shalt not kill.“"Thou shalt not kill.“

1Thes 3:41Thes 3:4““it came to pass”it came to pass”

Hebrews 12:11Hebrews 12:11““No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful later on, No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful later on,

however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who are trained by it”those who are trained by it”

Proverbs 22:6Proverbs 22:6Train up a child in the way he should go: and Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old when he is old he will he will

not depart from it.not depart from it.

2 Peter 3:82 Peter 3:8But do not forget this one thing, dear friend with the Lord a day is like But do not forget this one thing, dear friend with the Lord a day is like

a thousand years and a thousand years a re like a day.a thousand years and a thousand years a re like a day.

ADOLESCENCEADOLESCENCEA CULTURAL AND HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVEA CULTURAL AND HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE

A culturally determined phenomenon (Not Universal)

Invented in 1899 by the State of Illinois Legislature passed the first law in the US defining children under 16 as being subject to a different set of laws 

Teens were no longer subject to the adult criminal code

Teens had their own set of new laws called "status offenses“

A status offense is a law that you outgrow at "age of majority“(e.g., purchase of tobacco, fire arms, or alcohol, curfews, etc.)

In effect, teens were no longer expected to act like adults

ADOLESCENCEADOLESCENCE A CULTURAL AND HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE A CULTURAL AND HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE

We have created a temporary social class without a plan for what to do We have created a temporary social class without a plan for what to do with itwith it

In therapy, teens often complain that they are expected to act like a In therapy, teens often complain that they are expected to act like a responsible adult while being treated like a childresponsible adult while being treated like a child

This condition is best illustrated on a family vacation:This condition is best illustrated on a family vacation:

Pay adult fare for airline ticketPay adult fare for airline ticket But can’t sit in the Exit But can’t sit in the Exit rowrow

"Kids stay free" (under 18) at hotel"Kids stay free" (under 18) at hotel But can't order beer or But can't order beer or off of off of kid's menu kid's menu

Must pay adult admission at movie theaterMust pay adult admission at movie theater But can't view R-rated But can't view R-rated moviemovie

Old enough to have driver's licenseOld enough to have driver's license But not old enough to But not old enough to rent a rent a carcar

   In some states, old enough to buy a gun but not alcoholIn some states, old enough to buy a gun but not alcohol   Eve of DestructionEve of Destruction (1965 anti-war protest song) (1965 anti-war protest song) "You're old enough to kill "You're old enough to kill

but not for voting."but not for voting."

Adolescent BrainAdolescent Brain Human Brain 90%– 95% of it’s final size by Human Brain 90%– 95% of it’s final size by

age 6 - 7 yearsage 6 - 7 years By age 12, it is fully grownBy age 12, it is fully grown But, it is not fully developed until mid 20’s But, it is not fully developed until mid 20’s Female brain grows about 1-2 years faster Female brain grows about 1-2 years faster

during adolescenceduring adolescence

Frontal Cortex

Functional MRI (fMRI) Functional MRI (fMRI) StudiesStudies

In children, most active region is midbrainIn children, most active region is midbrain In adults, most active region is Frontal In adults, most active region is Frontal

cortex (prefrontal cortex is much larger in cortex (prefrontal cortex is much larger in the human brain than in any other animal)the human brain than in any other animal)

During adolescence, a gradual shift from During adolescence, a gradual shift from midbrain to frontal cortex activitymidbrain to frontal cortex activity

Frontal Cortex

Changes in Brain Structure Changes in Brain Structure During AdolescenceDuring Adolescence

Brain starts to shrink!Brain starts to shrink! Brain cell (neurons) connections Brain cell (neurons) connections

(synapses) formed during childhood start (synapses) formed during childhood start breaking downbreaking down

Process is called “pruning”Process is called “pruning” Weak and obsolete connections are Weak and obsolete connections are

replaced with new connections that replaced with new connections that process information in a very different process information in a very different wayway

Changes in Brain Functioning that Changes in Brain Functioning that Begin During AdolescenceBegin During Adolescence

Gradual shift from concrete thinking Gradual shift from concrete thinking to abstract reasoningto abstract reasoning

Must rethink values and beliefsMust rethink values and beliefs Most teachable periodMost teachable period

Able to understand and apply abstract Able to understand and apply abstract concepts that facilitate new learningconcepts that facilitate new learning

Able to absorb and assimilate vast Able to absorb and assimilate vast amounts of new informationamounts of new information

Changes in Brain Functioning that Changes in Brain Functioning that Begin During AdolescenceBegin During Adolescence

UNFORTUNATLY, social maturity, impulse control, UNFORTUNATLY, social maturity, impulse control, skills in managing emotions, and the ability to delay skills in managing emotions, and the ability to delay gratification develop at a much slower pacegratification develop at a much slower pace

AND, hormone levels surgeAND, hormone levels surge

SO, we see increases in risk taking; decisions without SO, we see increases in risk taking; decisions without consideration of long term consequences; and peer consideration of long term consequences; and peer pressure influences pressure influences

Ready --- Fire --- AIM

Changes in Brain Functioning that Changes in Brain Functioning that Begin During AdolescenceBegin During Adolescence

Once this brain transformation is completed:Once this brain transformation is completed: Foresight (anticipation of what will happen if…) Foresight (anticipation of what will happen if…)

factors into decision making and hindsight factors into decision making and hindsight (learn from mistakes) no longer the dominant (learn from mistakes) no longer the dominant factorfactor

Reprocess past decision with new brainReprocess past decision with new brain ““WHAT WAS I THINKING!?”WHAT WAS I THINKING!?” Discover that parents made their decision with Discover that parents made their decision with

this new brain that we now use to make this new brain that we now use to make decision about our children decision about our children

(remember Proverbs 22:6)(remember Proverbs 22:6)

Sir Isaac NewtonFailed high school geometry (refused to do the problems according to the text book)

James Russell Lowell (poet and diplomat)Suspended from Harvard for “complete indolence”Later graduated and went on to graduate from Harvard Law School

Thomas EdisonOnce sent home from school with a note from his teacher stating that he was “too stupid to learn”

Dr. Werner von BraunFailed math and physics in high school

Dr. William BermanPlaced on academic probation his entire freshman year of

college

 1972

 1969

PREPARATION FOR LAUNCHPREPARATION FOR LAUNCH

Eagles Nest Metaphor  Eagles Nest Metaphor  

Average 5 ft. in diameterAverage 5 ft. in diameter        World record = 20 ft. deep, 9.5 ft. wide, 6,001 lbs.World record = 20 ft. deep, 9.5 ft. wide, 6,001 lbs.  Built strong to last 30 yearsBuilt strong to last 30 years

Lined with soft moss and the mother's down feathersLined with soft moss and the mother's down feathers

Both parents entice the chicks by flying just past the nest Both parents entice the chicks by flying just past the nest dangling food dangling food 

  Systematically remove the soft lining of the nestSystematically remove the soft lining of the nest

How to Train Your TeenagerHow to Train Your Teenager1.  Encourage and affirm1.  Encourage and affirm

  

2.  Teach and practice effective communication2.  Teach and practice effective communication

                Speaker-Listener techniqueSpeaker-Listener technique

  

3.  Time Out (stop the avalanche) 3.  Time Out (stop the avalanche)

                By mutual agreementBy mutual agreement

                Use humorUse humor

  

4.  Understand their struggle (They won't!)4.  Understand their struggle (They won't!)

                IdentityIdentity

                InadequacyInadequacy

                ConformityConformity

                Role confusionRole confusion

                SexualitySexuality

                TemptationTemptation

                Approach-Avoidance about becoming a responsible adult Approach-Avoidance about becoming a responsible adult (Peter Pan)(Peter Pan)

  

5.  Tough Love5.  Tough Love

                Very toughVery tough

                Very lovingVery loving  

How to Train you TeenagerHow to Train you Teenager

  

6.  Rules - Relationship = Rebellion6.  Rules - Relationship = Rebellion

  

7.  Exercise authority (benevolent dictatorship)7.  Exercise authority (benevolent dictatorship)

  

8.  Accountability8.  Accountability

  

9.  Fairness  9.  Fairness 

                Teen takes risk, parent suffers consequence?Teen takes risk, parent suffers consequence?

  

10.  10.  REMEMBER TO LAUNCHREMEMBER TO LAUNCH