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WHAT DO YOU DO WITHA BROKENRELATIONSHIP?

LLet’s face it. To allrelationships there

comes the inevitablecrisis. Someone is offended, and a painful process ofalienation begins. Attitudesquickly change. Inappropriate words and actions soon follow. The relationship isstrained and at times evenended.

Is this your experience? If so, it is our prayer that this booklet, written by James Pittman, will help you with its practical answers to this crucial question.

Martin R. De Haan II

Managing Editor: David Sper Cover Photo: Terry BidgoodScripture quotations are from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by ThomasNelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.© 1987,1999,2002 RBC Ministries, Grand Rapids, Michigan Printed in USA

CONTENTS

Recognizing The Symptoms. . . . . . . . 2

Making It Worse . . . . . . 4

The Right Pattern . . . . . 6

The Right Practice

Step 1: Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9

Step 2: Humble Yourself . . . . . 12

Step 3: Be Willing To Suffer . . . 14

Step 4: Invite Reconciliation . . . 16

Step 5: Forgive. . . . . . . . . . . . . 18

What If It Doesn’t Work? . . . . . . 22

Relationship Maintenance. . . . . . . . . 27

Case Studies Of People Who Tried . . . . 30

Take The First Step . . . 32

© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

RECOGNIZINGTHE SYMPTOMS

UUnless you live byyourself on aremote island, you

know all too well the painof broken relationships.Even the best of friendshipscan go sour. Marriages havetheir bad days. Co-workerscan turn the office into abattlefield. Churches splitover personality conflicts.Families explode because of unkind words. Neighborsargue about barking dogs.The problem is of epidemicproportions. It is a greaterthreat to our well-beingthan influenza, cancer, orheart disease.

As with physicaldisorders, there are telltalesigns that point to theproblem. Like flashing redlights, these symptomswarn that something isseriously wrong. You canprobably recognize thefollowing symptoms from

your own experience.Avoidance. Longtime

friends suddenly avoid each other after a conflict.Although they used to enjoyone another’s company, nowwhen they see each otherthey keep their distance.

Irritability. “What did you say?” “Leave mealone!” “She makes mesick!” “Mind your ownbusiness!” “So what?” “I said no and I mean no!”“I’ve had it!” “Get off myback, will you!”

Do you recognize any of these fiery phrases? I’msure you do. We’ve allheard them. And most of us will have to admit thatwe’ve said some of them.

Silence. A commonresponse to a woundedrelationship is “the silenttreatment.” We simplyrefuse to talk with the otherperson. It’s a nonverbalsignal that says, “I don’twant to have anything to do with you, so leave me

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alone.” For some, it is away to insulate themselvesfrom any further pain. Forothers, it is a way to geteven. By refusing to talk,they hope to make theother person suffer.

Enlisting Allies. It’sunfortunate, but somepeople respond to brokenrelationships like nationsthat have just declared war.They immediately recruitallies by giving only theirview of the issue. And thisone-sided account is theammunition used in the

battle. Such behaviorreveals insecurity andweakness. It uncovers aperson’s lack of confidenceto handle the problemadequately on his own.

Terrorism. Like itscounterpart in our world ofbombings and hijackings,this form of personalaggression is subtle andcomes without warning.With methods that areindirect and underhanded, it often destroys theinnocent along with thesupposed enemy. There areangry looks and words, and even physical abuse. At times it may involveslanderous attacks, causingthe destruction of someone’sinfluence or character.

If you see any of thesesymptoms, your relationshipmay be deteriorating. Now’sthe time to resolve theproblem.

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Like flashing red lights, these

symptoms warn thatsomething is seriously

wrong.


MAKING ITWORSE

PPoison ivy can makelife miserable. The

rash itself is hard totake, but the urge to itch istorture. To give in to theoverwhelming temptation toscratch, though, only makesthe problem worse. Thepoison spreads, and theagony is compounded. The right solution to thepredicament is to applysome healing cream and tokeep from doing what itchyskin cries out for you to do.

Broken relationships can make life miserable too.But, like dealing with poisonivy, our natural responsemay only make mattersworse. Many times ourattempted solutions justdon’t work. To avoid makingthose kinds of mistakes, let’slook at some tactics that areineffective or self-defeating.

Ignore It. The largestbird in the world, the

ostrich, has the undeservedreputation of responding to imminent danger bysticking its head in thesand. That seems foolish.Yet many people respond in a similar way to brokenrelationships. Ignoring aproblem allows it to spreadlike a cancer, eating away at the relationship.

Attack The Person.We may make the mistakeof attacking the personinstead of the issue. Oftenthe original cause of theconflict is forgotten. Name-calling or faultfinding takesover and builds a wall thathides the real issue.

Manipulate.Sometimes we are moreinterested in getting thingsto work out for our ownpersonal interests. We mayfeel that we have all theanswers and work to getothers to see things ourway. This in reality is asubtle form of pride andselfishness.

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Involve The WrongPeople. We maymistakenly involve thoseindividuals who are moreinterested in spreadinggossip than in restoringrelationships (Prov. 16:28).

Talk Too Much.Are we good listeners? Dowe lend an ear and try tounderstand? It’s not enoughjust to be on the talking endof an issue.

Neglect TimingAnd Tact. We may doand say the right things but not get the results weexpected. If our efforts lackproper timing and lovingtact, we will only compoundthe problem.

Cover It Up. “Oh,

just forget it.” “Let’s put itbehind us, and start all overagain.” These and othersimilar statements are goodif they express genuinereconciliation. But they are inadequate if they arenothing more than band-aids on a broken arm.Wounds inflicted in theheart need more thansuperficial words.

Discard It. Sometimesrelationships are treatedlike disposable goods. If something goes wrong, it seems more trouble thanit’s worth to patch thingsup. Some may even suggestthat the best solution is to end the associationcompletely.

Yes, broken relationshipscan be made worse insteadof better if we handle themthe wrong way. Thenecessary repair work can be accomplished whenwe are willing to follow thepattern given by God.

5

“A word spoken in due season, how good it is!”

Proverbs 15:23


THE RIGHTPATTERN

IImagine for a momentthat you are a lonesoldier under orders to

capture an enemy city. Youslowly make your approach,and finally the city comesinto view. It’s an awesomespectacle. The walls thatsurround it are massive and lined with troops. Thelarge metal gates appearimpenetrable. You standthere in amazement,wondering what to do.

Sounds a little ridiculous,doesn’t it? Yet the Bible saysthat trying to win back thefriendship of an offendedperson is like trying tocapture a fortified city. Itsays that anger is as difficultto overcome as barred gates.

A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle(Prov. 18:19).

Repairing a brokenrelationship is extremelyhard, but it’s not impossible.Like the lone soldier facinga fortified city, you need toknow what to do. In theBible, we find a plan ofaction modeled by GodHimself.

In the person of JesusChrist, we see the steps that God took to repair thebroken relationship betweenHim and mankind. Theactivity of Christ was inreality the activity of Godrestoring an alienated worldto Himself. Paul wrote:

God was in Christreconciling the world toHimself (2 Cor. 5:19).In His example, we see

the steps we must take inorder to make peace withothers.

What did God do? Whatwere the steps He took toreunite us with Himself? TheBible gives us the answer:He loved, He humbledHimself, He suffered, He

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invited, and He forgave.HE LOVED: “In

this the love of God wasmanifested toward us, thatGod has sent His onlybegotten Son into the world,that we might live throughHim. In this is love, not thatwe loved God, but that Heloved us” (1 Jn. 4:9-10).

God took theinitiative for peace. He didn’t wait for us.Even though we were atfault and showed nodesire to make thingsright with Him, bysending His Son Hetook the first step.While we were stillsinners, He proved Hislove for us (Rom. 5:8).

HE HUMBLEDHIMSELF: “Beingfound in appearance as aman, He humbled Himselfand became obedient to thepoint of death, even the deathof the cross” (Phil. 2:8).

What a profound truth!God humbled Himself. God

the Son became a man—inthe person of Jesus Christ.Setting aside His rights,Christ placed our concernsabove His own. Thisamazing step of humilitywas absolutely necessary to repair our brokenrelationship with Him.

HE SUFFERED:“Christ also sufferedonce for sins, the just forthe unjust, that Hemight bring us to God,being put to death in theflesh but made alive bythe Spirit” (1 Pet. 3:18).

Sin had ruined ourrelationship with God,and only a painfulsacrifice could makethings right again. Ingiving His Son to die,God was willing to

make that sacrifice for us.What a step this was! It

was a choice made by Godto suffer. It was a choicemade by Him to allow HisSon to suffer—even to die—that we might live.

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GOD

Love

Humility

Suffering

Invitation

YOU

Forgiveness


HE INVITED: “Hecame and preached peace toyou who were afar off and tothose who were near. Forthrough Him we both haveaccess by one Spirit to theFather” (Eph. 2:17-18).

Through Christ, God hastaken another step. He hassent a message to Jew andGentile alike. It is an offerof peace based on thesacrifice of His Son. It is an opportunity to come toHim and to face the realityof our separation from Him. It is an invitation to confront the issues and accept His offer ofrestoration. The door ofaccess to God is open.

HE FORGAVE: “InHim we have redemptionthrough His blood, theforgiveness of sins, accordingto the riches of His grace”(Eph. 1:7).

Although we have beenrebellious, God has beengracious. We deserve to bepunished, but His desire is

to show mercy. Rather thanhold our sins against us,God wants to forgive usthrough His Son. Thisundeserved kindness canbe hard to comprehend by people who live by theslogan, “I don’t get mad; I get even!” God doesn’twant to get even; He wants to restore us to a right relationship withHimself. Such undeservedforgiveness is certainly areason to praise Him.Because of what Christ did for us on the cross, wecan be assured of God’scomplete acceptance. If and when we are willing to be restored, He is willingto forgive us freely.

Yes, God has modeledthe steps necessary torepair bruised and brokenrelationships. His exampleshould be the basis for ourmethod of breaking downthe barriers betweenpeople.

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THE RIGHTPRACTICE

AAs a child imitates hisparents, so everyChristian ought to

follow the example of hisheavenly Father. Whenconfronted with the task of repairing a brokenrelationship, this becomes an absolute necessity. OurFather gives us the perfectpattern of how reconciliationis to be achieved. Like ourFather, then, we should take the same steps of love,humility, suffering, invitation,and forgiveness.

STEP 1: LOVE

“Therefore be imitators ofGod as dear children. Andwalk in love, as Christ alsohas loved us” (Eph. 5:1-2).Loving others with whom wehave conflicts is not easy.But if a work of restorationis to be achieved, we must

take the initiative in love. Since this step is soimportant, it is necessary to be sure we understandwhat it means. First we willlook at what love is not.

Love Is Not MerelyFeelings. In a brokenrelationship, positiveemotions are often replacedby negative ones. In fact, as far as feelings areconcerned, it may be quitesome time before we havethat sense of warmheartedacceptance between us andthe other party.

Love Is Not Phony.Forced smiles or any otherfalse expressions of kindnessare both superficial and

artificial. They lack thegenuine and lasting qualitynecessary to correct theproblems in a brokenrelationship. Pretending tolove others will not do. It hasto be real. The apostle Paulwrote, “Let love be without

9

YOU Love OTHERS


hypocrisy” (Rom. 12:9).Love Is Not Man-

made. It isn’t of humanorigin or something wemanufacture ourselves.God’s kind of love is out ofour league. Since we can’tproduce it, someone elsehas to. That person is theHoly Spirit, who lives in all Christians (1 Cor. 6:19).Under His guidance, wecan truly love those whoseacceptance we seek toregain (Gal. 5:22).

Love Is NotRetaliatory. Whenmistreated by others, wemust decide to do what isright. Jesus said, “Do goodto those who hate you, blessthose who curse you, andpray for those who spitefullyuse you” (Lk. 6:27-28). Hewas saying that we are to letkindness be our response tohate. We should speak wellof those who speak ill of us.Prayerful concern should beshown for those who treatus in degrading ways. In

short, we choose to dowhat’s right toward others,regardless of their response.

Now that we have lookedat what love is not, let’s takea positive approach.

Love OverrulesPersonal Feelings. Thisconcept is not easy to putinto practice. It means takinga stand against ourselves.While committed to rightactions toward others, wemust refrain from expressingour negative emotions. Inreality, our bad feelings aresuppressed for the good ofothers. Yet it is a part of that self-denial to whichChrist calls us (Mt. 16:24).Responding the right way toothers in spite of our feelingsis an all-important step inrepairing relationships.

Love Looks In TheMirror. Perhaps the mostdifficult aspect of lovingothers is to examine ourown attitudes. But thatshould be our primary task.Before we try to straighten

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out the other person, wehad better make sure ourheart is right. Jesus said,“Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your owneye, and then you will seeclearly to remove the speckfrom your brother’s eye”(Mt. 7:5). It’s hard and oftenpainful, but it can be done.

Once again, we aredependent on the work ofthe Holy Spirit in our lives.His ministry is to give us

renewed hearts and minds(Rom. 12:2). With Hisassistance we can replaceanger, bitterness, andmalice with kindness,tenderheartedness, andforgiveness (Eph. 4:31-32).

Love Makes The

First Move. Our naturalinclination is to avoid those with whom we haverelational strife. However, ifwe are going to remedy thesituation, we must bewilling to initiate theprocess. Loving them firstmeans just that. It is thewillingness to take the firststep, to go to them andbegin to work things out(Mt. 5:23-24; 18:15). Yes,broken relationships can berepaired when we initiatethe process in love.

Thinking It Over.Has anyone hurt yourecently? Have you decidedto put aside your feelingsand do what is right? Haveyou asked God to help youto love that person ratherthan ignore or retaliate? If you make the first moveafter seeking God’s help,does that guarantee that the other person will acceptyour love? How long shouldlove continue to reach outfor reconciliation?

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“God loves each ofus as if there were

only one of us.”Augustine


STEP 2: HUMBLEYOURSELF

“I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you towalk worthy of the callingwith which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, withlongsuffering, bearing with one another in love,endeavoring to keep theunity of the Spirit in thebond of peace” (Eph. 4:1-3).One of the biggesthindrances to settling our disputes with others ispride. The problems couldbe remedied, but our egos get in the way. Anypeacemaking action issomehow viewed asweakness. Since we don’twant others to think we areweak, we protect our dignityby not approaching them orby being unapproachable.

But this kind of hardnessfor the sake of personalesteem is wrong, especially

for Christians. If God inChrist could lower Himself

to be at peace with sinners,we can lower ourselves tobe at peace with each other.In fact, we are commandedto walk “with all lowliness.”Therefore, whenever wehave problems with others,we should approach themin humility. With this inmind, it’s important tounderstand what humilityreally is.

Humility Defined.The American HeritageDictionary defines humilityas being the opposite ofpride. But what kind ofpride? What the dictionaryeditors had in mind wascertainly not the acceptablekind—such as the pride we have in our work, ourfamily, and our country.Rather, the opposite ofhumility is conceit, self-centeredness, andarrogance.

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YOU Love Humility OTHERS


If humility is theopposite of this kind ofpride, it means that weshould not think ofourselves more highly thanwe ought (Rom. 12:3). Itmeans that we should beinterested in the needs andconcerns of others (Phil.2:4). And when we thinkthis way, our desire will beto become the servants ofone another (Eph. 5:21).

Humility InPractice. How doeshumility work in repairingrelationships? First, if we’renot big-headed, no deedwill be considered too smalland no sacrifice too big tomake things right betweenus and others. Second, if we are sincerely interestedin what concerns otherpeople, then their feelingsand opinions will be asimportant to us as our own. Even though it may be difficult, we will try to be understanding.

Finally, if we are humble,

we will continue to respectpeople, even though wemay disagree. We will try to serve them in helpfulways, even if they do notappreciate our efforts.

Relationships can bemended if we have themind of Christ and humbleourselves as He did (Phil.2:5). Then we will also beprepared to accept personalsuffering, which is the nextimportant step.

Thinking It Over.What rights did Jesus setaside in order to win usback to Himself? If He didall that for us, why do wehave so much troublesetting aside our rights?

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“Humility is theability to see

ourselves as Goddescribes us.”Henry Jacobsen


When was the last time youwere in a situation whereyou were “in the right” butyou humbled yourself byseeking out the otherperson? If you realize thatyou are the one who iswrong, how can youexpress your humility?

STEP 3: BE WILLINGTO SUFFER

“Therefore, since Christsuffered for us in the flesh,arm yourselves also with thesame mind” (1 Pet. 4:1).Jesus Christ was the God-man dying for the sins of thewhole world. In that sense,the suffering of Christianscould never be like His. But there are many ways inwhich we can follow Christ’sexample. Suffering in aChristlike manner includesthe following characteristics:commitment, courage,confidence, empathy, and endurance.

Commitment. Christwas determined to do theFather’s will, regardless of thesuffering (Mt. 26:39). It is ourheavenly Father’s will that welive peaceably with all people(Rom. 12:18). When conflictsarise—and they will—weshould be committed to worktoward reconciliation,knowing that suffering is a part of the process.

Courage. Christ knewthat His suffering would be great, but He faced itbravely (Lk. 9:51). Whenthings go wrong between us and others, we often lack the heart to confrontthe problems because of thepain. Even though sufferingmay be involved, we mustcourageously resolve theissues.

Confidence. Jesusplaced Himself into thehands of the Father, in spiteof the things He suffered (1Pet. 2:23). Oh, how difficult

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YOU Love Humility Suffering OTHERS


this is for us to do! Yet thisis the key to getting the bestout of the worst kind ofsituation. When we put ourconfidence in God, He notonly strengthens us, but Healso works everything outfor our good (Rom. 8:28).

Empathy. Jesusidentified with us completelyin our human sorrow (Isa.53:3-4). His expressions of understanding andcompassion attracted peoplewho needed to be reconciled

to God. We too can greatlyinfluence the people we arealienated from when weshare their problems andpain. It may help them to

accept us if they notice that we hurt when they hurt. The apostle Paul said:

Bless those who persecuteyou; bless and do notcurse. Rejoice with thosewho rejoice, and weepwith those who weep(Rom. 12:14-15).Endurance. Christ

faced His suffering withpatient endurance, and so must we (Heb. 12:1-3).Suffering because of othersis very hard to accept,especially in brokenrelationships. Criticism,misunderstanding, andrejection cause pain that we naturally seek to avoid.But if personal conflicts areto be resolved, the hurtinvolved in the processmust be endured. Nobodylikes to suffer. But it’s worthit if that’s what it takes toregain a lost friendship orrepair a broken marriage.

Yes, repairing brokenrelationships is a painfulprocess. But it is possible if

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“Nobody cares howmuch you know—

until they knowhow much you

care.”John Cassis


we are prepared to acceptthe suffering.

Thinking It Over.Where and why did all thissuffering begin? (see Gen.3). How can a genuineexpression of empathybreak down barriers ofbitterness and hate? Canyou recall specific ways youhave willingly suffered inorder to restore shatteredrelationships?

STEP 4: INVITERECONCILIATION

“If your brother sins againstyou, go and tell him his faultbetween you and him alone.If he hears you, you havegained your brother” (Mt.18:15). When we aredisputing with others, oneof the hardest things to dois to sit down and calmlytalk it over. It is so easy to avoid them or to allowangry emotions to spill outduring what we intended to

be a quiet discussion of ourdifferences. A confrontationis often avoided because of embarrassment, fear, or even anger. But it isabsolutely necessary ifrelationships are to berepaired. Whenever conflictexists, we must invite theother party to talk about theissues with us so that thedifferences can be resolved.

The Command. Aninvitation to reconciliation isan expression of obedienceto the Lord’s command.

Jesus taught that the rightway to settle a dispute wasfor the individualsthemselves to get togetherand work it out. Whether we have knowingly offendedothers or they have offendedus, our responsibility is to goto them and resolve theproblem. Getting them tocooperate may be difficult,but the Lord has instructedus to do it. We have no

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YOU Love Humility Suffering Invitation OTHERS


reasonable option but toobey.

The Need ForHonesty. A face-to-faceencounter has no valueunless we intend to be openand sincere. If someone haswronged us, we are to tellthem. If we are hurt orangry, we must say it.However, this should not be done for the sake ofargument or to get even.Rather, we should let theother person know that weare being candid becausewe want things to be rightbetween us.

The Importance OfPrivacy. The conflict isoften made worse when theproblem is not confined tothe parties involved. Wemust be discreet. Whateverwe have to say should besaid privately to the onewho is at fault. Thisapproach keeps us frombackbiting, slander, andgossip. It also guards thereputations of all involved.

By not making the matterpublic, we show ourrespect. Also, by thataction, we may influencethe person to respondfavorably to us as well.

The Time ForMediators. A face-to-faceencounter with the otherperson may not resolve the problem. According to Matthew 18:16, if theprivate confrontation fails,we should enlist the help of others. The wisdom andinfluence outsiders maybring can be helpful. Andeven if the problem remains,they can still be witnessesto guard against anymisrepresentation of thethings discussed. Then, ifwe’re unsuccessful—evenwith the help of mediators—the next step is to take thembefore the church.

When we have strife with others, therefore, wemust invite them to confrontthe issues and work with usto resolve them.

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Thinking It Over.When was the last time yousat down with an adversaryand talked through theissues that separated youfrom him? Why is it so hardto be straightforward whenconfronting others? Why isit easier to enlist allies thanto seek a godly mediator? If you are aware of a riftbetween two people, whatcan you do to help mediatethe conflict?

STEP 5: FORGIVE

“. . . forgiving one another,even as God in Christforgave you” (Eph. 4:32). ASunday school teacher wasexplaining forgiveness to herclass of first-graders. Shesaid that if a classmatemistreated one of them,they had to be kind inreturn. And if the offendersaid he was sorry, it was notto be held against him. Theclass members looked at

one another with troubledfaces until finally one of thelittle girls blurted out, “Butteacher, that’s hard!”

She was right. It’s hard for all of us. Yet broken relationships cannotbe repaired unless we are ready to do what is difficult.We must be willing toacknowledge our offensesand forgive one another asGod has forgiven us. Buthow is our response to othersto reflect God’s forgiveness?

Judicial Forgiveness. This meansthat our forgiveness, likeGod’s, is not a matter ofoverlooking or excusing theoffenses of others. It isconcerned with upholdingjustice. It recognizes thewrongness of what peopledo to each other, and therightness of properpunishment. But it alsorecognizes that since Jesus

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YOU Love Humility Suffering Invitation OTHERSForgiveness


has already taken thepunishment, we are free toforgive without violating thejust law of retribution. Yes,what people do to eachother may hurt, but it hasbeen paid for by JesusChrist Himself. This makesforgiving each other theright thing to do.

ConditionalForgiveness. As God has forgiven us, we must be willing to forgive oneanother at all times. Butthat forgiveness is notcomplete unless those whohave offended us are willingto repent. Jesus taught:

If your brother sinsagainst you, rebuke him; and if he repents,forgive him. And if hesins against you seventimes in a day, and seventimes in a day returns toyou, saying, “I repent,”you shall forgive him (Lk. 17:3-4). There has to be a

genuine acknowledgment

of the wrong done and aserious effort to clear it withthe one offended. Withoutit, relationships can’t berepaired.

DecisionalForgiveness. This means that we must chooseto forgive in spite of ourfeelings. The Bible says thateven though God is grievedand angered by our sin (Ps.7:11), He chooses to forgive(Eph. 4:32). And we must dothe same with each other.Regardless of our feelings,we must choose to forgivewhatever may have beensaid or done to offend us.

EmotionalForgiveness. Althoughwe must forgive even whenwe don’t feel like it, weshould strive to include theproper emotional element.This means that forgivingeach other not onlyinvolves the use of our will, but it also includes theattitude of our hearts. Paulpointed this out in his letter

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to the Colossian Christians.He said that we shouldhave heartfelt compassiontoward others, along withkindness, humility,gentleness, and patience.We should bear with eachother, forgiving whatevercomplaints we may have against one another (Col. 3:12-13).

These ideals are not easyto put into practice whensomeone has hurt us deeplyand is throwing insults ourway. But the proper responsecan be ours if we allow Godto control our hearts. Theapostle Paul’s inspired list ofthe fruit of the Spirit pointsto the right attitudes.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,longsuffering, kindness,goodness, faithfulness,gentleness, self-control.Against such there is nolaw. And those who areChrist’s have crucified theflesh with its passionsand desires. If we live in

the Spirit, let us also walkin the Spirit. Let us notbecome conceited,provoking one another,envying one another (Gal. 5:22-26).If we truly want to

honor God with our lives,we must let His Spirit workin us so that ours will be aforgiveness that comes fromthe heart.

Thinking It Over.When someone asks youfor forgiveness, do you findit hard to forgive? Why? Arewe right to hold back ourforgiveness from those whohaven’t acknowledged theirwrong? How can lack offorgiveness on our part

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We must choose to forgive,

in spite of our feelings.


hinder our own relationshipwith God?

God’s Pattern/Our Practice. It mayseem unlikely, but manypeople choose to ignoreGod’s pattern for repairingbroken relationshipsbecause they actually enjoythe conflict. There arepeople who have even said,“I enjoy a good fight. Itkeeps life interesting.” Someneighbors express no desireto be on good terms withthe people on the other

side of the fence.Businessassociatescontinue to battleit out as theymove up theladder of success.Some churchmembers seem to feel it is theircalling in life tostir up trouble at

business meetings. TheBible tells us that thereason for these wrongattitudes is rooted inpeople’s hearts. James tellsus, “Where do wars andfights come from amongyou? Do they not comefrom your desires forpleasure that war in your members?” (4:1).

In contrast, God’s way is the unselfish way. In Hiseffort to reconcile us toHimself, He modeled love, humility, suffering,invitation, and forgiveness.It is the ultimate iningratitude to receive such grace and then refuseto show the same grace toothers who have wrongedus.

If you truly recognize all that God has done foryou, determine to followHis pattern as you live with people.

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Love Humility Suffering Invitation OTHERSForgiveness

GOD

Love

Humility

Suffering

Invitation

YOU

Forgiveness


WHAT IF ITDOESN’T WORK?

GGod does not hold usresponsible forresults, but He does

hold us responsible for whatwe do and how we do it. Asfar as broken relationshipsare concerned, it is ourChristian duty to imitate ourheavenly Father and followthe steps modeled by Him.If we have made a sincereeffort to do so and the issuesare still unresolved, then thefollowing suggestions shouldbe considered:

Don’t BlameYourself. The psalmistwrote, “My soul has dwelttoo long with one who hatespeace. I am for peace; butwhen I speak, they are forwar” (Ps. 120:6-7). Can youidentify with his frustration?Sometimes it may seem thatyou have tried everything tomake peace but the otherperson keeps attacking andtossing bombs at you. When

that happens, you need todo what you can and thenleave the rest up to God.

When relationshipsbreak down, both sidesmust be willing to worktoward repairing them.Unfortunately that doesn’talways happen. So oftenwhen one side tries to workthings out, the other doesn’tcooperate. Like the psalmist,

we may be for peace but “they are for war.”Therefore, the blame is notours but theirs. It is theirattitude that hinders therestorative process. It may

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God does not holdus responsible forresults, but Hedoes hold us

responsible forwhat we do andhow we do it.


be bitterness, fear, anger,shame, resentment, or evenpride. Whatever it may be,the fault is theirs and notours. If we have done all wecan, and the relationshipremains strained, then theymust answer to God for it.

Trust God ToChange The OtherPerson. The apostle Paul wrote to Timothy thefollowing words of advice:“A servant of the Lord mustnot quarrel but be gentle toall, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting thosewho are in opposition, ifGod perhaps will grant themrepentance, so that theymay know the truth” (2 Tim.2:24-25). We would do wellto heed these words. Whenwe have others opposing us, we should not bequarrelsome. But we shouldbe gentle and patient. Weshould talk to them meeklyand courteously. And eventhough our efforts may notmake a difference, God is

able to change theirattitudes and their behavior.

Therefore, we should beencouraged. We may havefailed at first, but that maynot be the case in the longrun. We must be patient andpray for them. We must trustGod to change them.

Get The Help Of AThird Party. Sometimesit takes a mediator to bringpeople back together. Whilein prison, the apostle Paulmediated a dispute betweena servant named Onesimusand his master Philemon.Evidently, the servant hadwronged his master anddeserted him. Some timelater, Onesimus met theapostle and became aChristian. Paul wrote aletter to Philemon to let him know what hadhappened. In a wonderfulexpression of Christianlove, Paul appealed toPhilemon to restoreOnesimus, not merely as aservant but as a Christian

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brother. Paul also madehimself accountable for any loss that Philemon mayhave suffered at the handsof Onesimus (Phile. 16-18).

Like Philemon andOnesimus, we may need a negotiator too. Our mediators should begodly, wise, and loving.They should be people who understand us and thesituation. They should beimpartial and objective intheir judgments. And aboveall, they must be sensitiveto God’s leading. Whether itbe a pastor, a counselor, ora trusted friend, a mediatorcan be effective where wehave failed.

Love ThemUnconditionally. Eventhough we may not havebeen successful in removingthe reason for conflictbetween us and others, we must love them anyway.Our desire should be to treatthem right no matter howthey feel or act toward us.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7,Paul described the qualitiesof unconditional love forothers:

We should be patient.This requires a consciousand often difficult effort to refrain from reflexretaliation. We shouldcultivate the ability torespond in a Christlike way when we are wronged.

We should be kind.Choosing to do deeds ofkindness gives us the abilityto respond to mistreatmentwith goodness. Ouropponent will be thrown off guard by such anunexpected response!

We should not be 24

“The best way todestroy your enemy

is to make himyour friend.”

Abraham Lincoln


jealous. When our enemiessucceed, we should notcovet their good fortune.Although they may notdeserve what they arereceiving, we must entrust ourselves to God.

We should not brag.Any speech that wronglypromotes us to make uslook better than those whoreject us is inappropriate.

We should not be big-headed. Pride sets upbarriers to resolving conflicts.It keeps us from making thepersonal sacrifices that areoften needed to patch uptattered friendships.

We should not be rude.You certainly don’t put out a fire by pouring gasoline on it, and you certainly donot subdue anger by more harsh words. No matter howbadly we have been hurt,disrespectful or inconsideratecomments are out of place.

We should not beselfish. We are not to beconcerned only with our

own wants and needs. Wemust train ourselves to beequally interested in theconcerns of those withwhom we are at odds.

We should not bequick-tempered. Whenpeople irritate us, do welash out without thinking?This doesn’t please God. Aperson with a “hair-trigger”temper needs to learn toput his mind in gear beforehis mouth.

We should not holdgrudges. If we don’t keepmental records of wrongsdone against us, we will not desire revenge againstthose who have hurt us.

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“The mostimportant time

to hold your temperis when the other

person has lost his.”Harold Smith


We should not delightin evil. When our adversarysuffers a downfall or aninjustice of any kind, we arenot to gloat over his misery.

We should alwaysrejoice with the truth.When God’s Word is obeyedand people respond properlyto problems, we shouldpraise God and rejoice.

We should beprotective. Honest concernfor those with whom wehave strife will keep us fromhanging out their “dirtylaundry” for all to see.

We should be trusting.Instead of anticipating theworst from people or lookingsuspiciously at those whoreject us, love gives thebenefit of the doubt.

We should be hopeful.Love is optimistic about thepossibility for reconciliation,always expecting positivechange.

We should always beloyal. Love endures evenwhen the going gets rough. It

means remaining consistentin our attitude and actionstoward those with whom wehave personal conflict. Whenothers refuse to be at peacewith us, our commitmentshould still be to love them.

Although we may havetried to repair a brokenrelationship and failed, these suggestions can still be helpful. We should notgive up. God is patient with sinners, wishing all to be restored to a rightrelationship with Him.Following His example, wemust leave the door open forreconciliation and do all wecan to see that it happens.

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“If you are sufferingfrom a bad man’sinjustice, forgivehim lest there betwo bad men.”

Augustine


RELATIONSHIPMAINTENANCE

LLet’s be honest. No onewants to experience

the pain andembarrassment of a brokenrelationship. We wouldmuch rather have things gowell between us and others.But good associations arenot easy to maintain. Infact, it requires a diligenteffort from all the peopleinvolved. As we take thenecessary steps, it will helpto promote the health andstability of the relationshipsthat we have.

Talk Openly. It’s veryimportant that we freelyand regularly share ourthoughts and feelings withone another. When we do,it helps us to be moreunderstanding. It gives usthe ability to know eachother better and to respondin the ways that we should.

CommunicateHonestly. The Bible

instructs us to get rid of all deceit and hypocrisy (1 Pet. 2:1). It also says that we should not lie to oneanother (Col. 3:9). Therefore,we should be honest ineverything we do and say.This makes it possible for usto trust one another, and itbinds us closer together.

Respect Each Other.Having the esteem of othersis fundamental to ourpersonal well-being. Wedon’t feel good aboutourselves unless others thinkthat we are important. That’swhy friends and loved oneswho care about us are sovital. They affirm our worth.When personal regard ismutually expressed, it causes us to respond to oneanother with a warmheartedacceptance. And thisacceptance is maintained as we continue to honor one another (Rom. 12:10).

Resolve YourAnger. The Bible says,“Do not let the sun go down

27


on your wrath” (Eph. 4:26).Our anger should be dealtwith as quickly as possible.Before the day is over, weshould go to the one whohas offended us and clear it up. Not only will we sleepbetter, but problems will behandled before they havetime to grow.

Be Patient. We needto overlook one another’simperfections. According to the Bible, we have to bepatient, making allowancesfor one another’s faults (Col. 3:13). None of us areexcluded; all of us haveflaws in our character.Instead of judging othersand being critical, we shouldbe humble and tolerant. Ifwe are, it will help maintainour ties with others.

Share OneAnother’s Problems.Let’s face it. We need eachother—especially when we have problems. It’s truethat each of us has theresponsibility to handle his

own troubles, but therecomes a time when we allneed the help of a friend. Infact, the Bible tells us thatwe should share each other’sburdens and in this way weobey the Lord’s command(Gal. 6:2). When we shareeach other’s problems, weshow that we care—makingour relationships much moresecure.

Give ConstructiveCriticism. The Bible saysthat open rebuke is betterthan secret love (Prov.27:5). We may be reluctant

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“He who cannot forgiveothers breaks

the bridge overwhich he himself

must pass.”George Herbert


to confront someone about a particular fault, but it’s more loving to saysomething to him than tokeep quiet and allow him to continue on as he is.Truthful and loving criticismhas as its goal the bestinterests of the otherperson.

Although this kind ofcriticism hurts, it is the pain of friendship. Byhelping one another thisway, we show that we reallycare. Through constructivecriticism we become betterpeople. And as a result, ourrelationships are improved.

Serve OneAnother. Rather thanasking what we can get, we should be asking whatwe can give. Instead ofseeking to please ourselves,we should be seeking toplease each other (Rom.15:2). This attituderecognizes that selfishnessonly ruins a relationship,but self-sacrifice builds it

up. When we serve oneanother our relationship is maintained and everyoneinvolved benefits.

Yes, these maintenanceprocedures are veryimportant. If we faithfullyfollow them, they will helpkeep a relationship strong.

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“A smile in giving honestcriticism can make thedifference between

resentment and reform.”Philip Steinmetz


CASE STUDIESOF PEOPLEWHO TRIED

TThe principles stated in this book are notmerely nice-sounding

theories. These biblical truthswork in real life. And theymay be applied by anyonewho is willing to try them.

Several people fromdifferent walks of life were asked if they ever had a broken relationshipand what they did about it.Following are the answersthey gave. Based on theprinciples found in thisbooklet, what do you thinkof their responses?

A Husband AndWife. “There were times we didn’t think our marriagewould last. In fact, on oneoccasion we experienced acomplete breakdown in ourrelationship. It began with a lot of harsh words. Thenthere was no communicationat all. For days we licked our

wounds and ignored eachother. We finally patchedthings up. Now we don’targue much anymore. It just isn’t worth all the pain.”

A Teenager.“Relationships, who needsthem! No matter how hardI try, I’m always blowing itwith somebody. If it isn’twith my parents, it’s withmy brother or sister. Andschool is just as bad. I don’t even try to get alongwith everybody there. It’s astruggle just to keep the fewfriends I have. And we evenfight sometimes. But after a while, we work it out. I guess it’s because wereally like each other.”

A Secretary. “I had a friend who was constantlycriticizing me. When Italked to her about it, shewas offended and ourrelationship ended. Later,we met again and renewedour friendship. She neverdid apologize, but she didstop the criticism. In spite

30


of all that has happened, I really do care about her,and I’ve told her so.”

A Factory Worker.“I guess relationships areimportant. But I have otherthings to worry about. Ihave a family to feed andbills to pay. Sure I’d like toget along with everybody,

but sometimes that’s toohard to do. Once I had a run-in with my boss. We argued, but later Iapologized. Basically that’show I am with others. I tryto be nice, but I usuallymind my own business.”

A CorporateExecutive. “In all

relationships it really boilsdown to integrity. You dothe things that you knoware right. If relationships aredamaged, you do the rightthings to salvage them. Butit doesn’t always work—atleast not for me. Once Imade a managementdecision that alienated some people from me. I tried to resolve it, but I wasn’t successful. So,there must be some thingsyou have to live with.”

A Senior Citizen.“When you get as old as I am, you treasure everymoment you spend withothers. Most of my friendsand relatives are gone. So I do whatever I can to getalong with people. I haven’talways been this careful inthe past. But I don’t want toend up like some old folks I know. They’ve made sucha mess of things that no onebothers with them anymore.Now they are lonely andbitter.”

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“Blessed are thepeacemakers, for

they shall be calledsons of God.”

Matthew 5:9


TAKE THE FIRSTSTEP

DDo you have a brokenrelationship? If so,what have you done

with it? Have you ignored it, attacked the person,manipulated the situation,involved the wrong people,talked too much, forgottentiming and tact, covered up, or discarded it?

These are all the wrongthings to do. The right thing to do is to repair it by following the stepsmodeled by God in Christ:love, humility, suffering,invitation, and forgiveness.

If you are a Christian, the Bible instructs you tofollow the example of yourheavenly Father (Eph. 5:1).You must take the propersteps to restore peacebetween you and others. No one has all the answers,but following the biblicalprocedures and principlescan make a difference.

If you are not a Christian,your first considerationshould be the brokenrelationship that existsbetween you and God.Because of one man’s act of disobedience, all men and women are separatedfrom God (Rom. 5:12).Because of His great love for the world, He didsomething to repair thatbroken relationship causedby sin. He sent His Son intothe world to save sinners (1 Tim. 1:15). Jesus Christ,God’s Son, died for our sins.He made it possible for us tobe restored to God. Now allthose who receive Him arefreely forgiven and broughtinto a personal relationshipwith God (Jn. 1:12).

Receive Him now and be right with God! Take thatall-important first step.

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Our mission is to make the life-changing wisdom of the Bible understandable and accessible to all.

Discovery Series presents the truth of Jesus Christ to the world in balanced, engaging, and accessible resources that show the relevance of Scripture for all areas of life. All Discovery Series booklets are available at no cost and can be used in personal study, small groups, or ministry outreach.

To partner with us in sharing God’s Word, click this link to donate. Thank you for your support of Discovery Series resources and Our Daily Bread Ministries.

Many people, making even the smallest of donations, enable Our Daily Bread Ministries to reach others with the life-changing wisdom of the Bible. We are not funded or endowed by any group or denomination.

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