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TYRANTS OF SELF-CONCEPT:

RULING THE RULERSBy

Terry Rich Hartley, PhD

copyright 2002 by Terry Rich Hartley, PhDInternet: www.selfconceptcoach.co!ll rights reser"e#. $o part of the aterial protecte# by this copyright notice ay

be repro#%ce# or %tili&e# in any for or by any eans, electronic or echanical,incl%#ing photocopying, recor#ing or by any inforation storage an# retrie"al syste,witho%t the written perission of the copyright owner.

'irst (#ition

About the AuthorSocial p!cholo"it# cie$tit# %riter# bui$e&a$# a$' out'oor&a$ are but

a (e% o( the role Terr! Rich Hartle! e$)o!* +r* Hartle! hol' a bachelor,

'e"ree i$ p!cholo"! a$' a 'octorate i$ ocial p!chol

-HYPHEN.o"!* He

ha %o$ $u&erou (irt-place )our$al-HYPHEN.i& a%ar' (ro& the Ne%Yor/ State Aociate' Pre Aociatio$# a$' ha bee$ e$ior e'itor (or a$

i$ter$atio$al publiher o( el(-co$cept e'ucatio$al &aterial* +r* Hartle! ha

publihe' reearch paper i$ preti"iou cie$ce )our$al# i$clu'i$"

Hypertension# The International Journal of Psychophysiology# a$' The Journal of

Clinical Hypertension* He i a &e&ber o( 0ENSA# the hi"h-I1 ociet!* +r*

Hartle! pro&ote pero$al "ro%th throu"h el(-co$cept 'e2elop&e$t# a

repree$te' i$ thi boo/* He a$' hi %i(e Shirle! li2e i$ I'aho*

PREFACEThis boo)*s p%rpose is to #eonstrate that the ass of en an# woen #o not

ha"e to spen# their li"es liite# by the critical "oices of ental spectators+thoselittle tyrants rattling aro%n# insi#e their hea#s, telling the secon# by secon# how tofight their battles, what they can an# cannot #o, what they %st an# %st not #o.T-R!$T /' (' 1/$1(PT: RI$3 TH( R(R, e4poses gen#erloa#e#

beliefs an# other social fallacies for what they are+tr%iss+an# infors, thenchallenges rea#ers to #isco"er how the tr%iss infl%ence their selfconcepts, thetotality of their tho%ghts an# feelings abo%t thesel"es. Rea#ers learn how theirental spectators ha"e becoe internali&e# thro%gh sociali&ation. Iportantlyrea#ers #isco"er the a#apti"e an# beneficial processes of e4aining the foration of

beliefs that lea# to negati"e selfconcepts.

elfawareness, critical thin)ing, an# effecti"e action lie at the heart of this no"elapproach to selfconcept #e"elopent that spans the selfhelp an# relationship genres.

Rea#-HYPHEN.ers not only learn social s)ills, b%t they act%ally practicetechni5%es for r%ling their ental spectators. 1oposite characters with coon

personal an# relationship probles g%i#e the rea#ers thro%gh wor)shops that are

#esigne# to enable the to acti"ely shape their relation-HYPHEN.ships, an#,th%s, to ta)e control of their own li"es.

The social psychological concepts of this boo) are gro%n#e# in tiehonore#

tra#i-HYPHEN.tion an# epiricis, while the boo) itself is written at a

generalinterest le"el. This boo) is fo%n#e# on the princi-HYPHEN.ple thatpeople nee# to sense control o"er their li"es. 'ro this principle, each chapterpro"i#es a stepping stone for rea#ers to progressi"ely ta)e greater, ore acti"e roles

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in their relationships with both real an# ental spectators. By becoing confi-

HYPHEN.#ent co%nicators an# negotiators they coe to be shapers of theirrelationships an# of their own li"es.

Chapter 3

SELF-CONCEPT AN+ THE 0ENTAL SPECTATORSHe #rin)s beca%se she nags, he thin)she nags beca%se he #rin)s, she thin)s6hile neither will a#it what7s tr%eThat he7s a sot an# she7s a shrew.

+/g#en $ash

The !rena: 8ictor or 8an5%ishe#9ALIGN0ENT.i)e it or not, we are all gla#iators. 6e go to sleep an# wa)e %p in a social arena

fro which there is no escape. 1hallenge %pon challenge confronts %s, walls restrain%s, an# a ob of spectators oc)s, sneers or cheers %s. (ach an# e"ery #ay brings

new battles whether we want the or not an# whether we*re %p to the or not. ifeforces %s to face one s)irish %pon another+no choice in that. 6hat we can choose,tho%gh, is which )in# of gla#iator to be, "ictor or "an5%ishe#. Both people in /g#en

$ash*s poe, cite# abo"e, are ob"io%sly "an5%ishe#, "ictis of their ownperceptions. The woan "iews herself as a "icti of his; #r%n)en i#iocy. He, on theother han#, sees hiself as a cas%alty of her; harping, which has #ri"en hi intoalcoholic escapis. The poet, howe"er, appears %nto%che# by it all, "iewing bothcharacters as agents of their own isery. He #rin)s beca%se he7s a sot< she nags

beca%se she7s a shrew. (n# of story. B%t, is it98iewe# thro%gh her eyes, she*s str%ggling %n#er the #oination of an

%nenlightene#, se4ist, D! gra#e=, ale cha%"inist pig who coes hoe in the

wee ho%rs, bangs #oors, b%ps into walls, flops into be#, belches the $ational!nthe, then e4%#es ranci# o#ors thro%gho%t the night while snoring li)e an/)lahoa th%n#erstor. he7s #r%#ging eight to fi"e at a >ob in which porcine aleswith half her talent earn ore, an# she*s facing the a##e# b%r#en of ta)ing on farore hoe #%ties than her ne*er#owell spo%se. he coo)s, cleans, ops an# scr%bs.The )i#s are her responsibility. Has the >er) e"er seen the boar# a school b%s9 hehas to yowl an# nag >%st to pry hi fro his beerswilling b%##ies long eno%gh tostart the lawn ower. He #oesn7t %n#erstan# what she7s going thro%gh an# ne"er will.How soeone who co%nicates with can gr%nts an# snorts e"er %n#erstan#anything9 He trashes, she cleans, he*s the prince of lies, she*s the paragon of "irt%e,he*s gross, she*s grooe#. Things are to%gh all o"er, b%t especially for the woan.Poor e,; she thin)s, poor e.

He, tho%gh, str%ggles to stay afloat on a stortosse# sea of social change. His >obs%c)s, an# he can7t fin# a better one. 6hy loo)9 6oen are gi"en; the goo# >obs.o are freeloa#ers who wear con"enient inority labels. !n#, go# forbi#, woeninorities get it all. ?en+real ones li)e hi+b%ilt this worl# an# now they get therespect of roa# )ill. /ne social "%lt%re after another fee#s on the. If it7s not losing a

>ob in the nae of political correctness, then it7s being tol# to beha"e with sensiti"ity,a cheesy b%&&wor# for s%rren#ering anhoo#. !n# at hoe he7s nothing b%t a targetfor her scol#ing. He nee#s her nee#ling, whining reb%)es li)e he nee#s a san#paper

>oc)strap. $o appreciation, no respect. It7s better to caro%se, #rin), belch an# play

#arts. Poor e,; he thin)s, poor e.;

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o who really is the "icti here9 They both are. Their selfconcepts+the totalityof their tho%ghts an# feelings abo%t thesel"es+are frightf%lly negati"e. They are"ictis of their own perspecti"es. i)e all of %s, each is in the arena of ne"er en#ing

battles. Both are in the contin%o%s copany of ental spectators+those little tyrantsrattling aro%n# insi#e their hea#s, telling the secon# by secon# how to fight their

battles, what they can an# cannot #o, what they %st an# %st not #o. The tyrantsappla%# an# they hiss, they enco%rage an# they #isco%rage. i)e spectators in aRoan arena, their th%bs go %p an# their th%bs go #own. ?ercilessly, they tellyo% if yo%*re a "ictor or a "an5%ishe#. !n# their power o"er yo%r selfconcept can7t

be o"erestiate#. !fter all, they represent e"ery person, e"ery social c%sto, an#e"ery c%lt%ral tr%is that yo% are e"er e4pose# to. %re, in yo%r e"ery#ay acti"itiesyo% enco%nter reallife spectators, people who >%#ge yo%. B%t, once each spectator iso%t of sight, if yo%7"e ta)en his or her >%#gents serio%sly, that person becoes aental spectator+one li"ing in yo%r in#. The ental spectator is the eory of theo"erhear# other or the a%nt saying, I hope yo% arry soeone rich beca%se yo%*renot going far on brains.; It7s the echo of the father or the coach growling, -o%*"e got

a bac) proble+no spine.; It7s the iage of frien#s oc)ing yo% for e4pressingother than a gro%p opinion. !n# thin) of all the T8 a#s ringing in yo%r hea#, tellingyo% what to wear, what to #ri"e, how to loo), what to swallow an# when.

The ental spectator is yo%r eory of the o#el on the aga&ine co"erinsin%ating that if yo%r physical proportions are not e5%i"alent to hers, then yo%7re a

bl%bber b%tt or a flatcheste# gee). se her pro#%ct to loo) the way yo% sho%l#;loo). It7s also the flaing feinist #ean#ing that yo% becoe an asserti"e,obno4io%s bitch or the sho%ting ale ra#io host ta%nting yo% to be a two fiste#, chestth%per who #efen#s the ol# stan#ar#s when en were en an# woen were betterseen than hear#. It7s the #eagog%e of any leaning+left to right+pro##ing yo% toarch in loc) step with the correct; gen#er, social, or religio%s battalion. It7s the

preacher, the ban)er, an# the b%sybo#y. It can e"en be yo%r go#, yo%r g%ar#ian angel,or yo%r conscience. It7s all these fig%res+ an# ore+collecti"ely placing #ean#son yo%, #ean#s so conflicting that their ipossibility lea"es yo% with a #own an##irty selfconcept. -o% "iew yo%rself as a ch%p. In the great cathe#ral of life, yo%are a garbage #isposal.

@%iet Desperation, the Dea#ly /pponent?illions coe to accept a negati"e selfconcept as their personal reality.

Psychologists* offices are pac)e# with the. B%t so are bars, b%siness offices, an#hoes. The proble is so entrenche# that it was note# long ago by the nat%ralist

philosopher Henry Da"i# Thorea% when he "ent%re# that ost people lea# li"es of

5%iet #esperation;. 6ith so any people li"ing this way the 5%estion becoes, is thisthe way I ha"e to li"e9 'ort%nately, the answer is not unless you want to.!n# the reason yo% #on7t ha"e to li"e a life of 5%iet #esperation is beca%se once

yo% i#entify yo%r ental spectators + an# yo%r interaction with the + yo% cano"e beyon# "an5%ishe# an# into the role of "ictor, a gla#iator who r%les yo%rspectators in e"ery battle. ?%haa# !li was a gla#iator who bro)e the ol# of5%iet cobatant. 'or years, pri&efighters concentrate# on their opponents an# ne"erac)nowle#ge# the spectators e4cept at the beginning a fight while being intro#%ce#.To the contrary, !li treate# the a%#ience as part of the fight itself, wa"ing the on,sho%ting at the, %sing the to intii#ate his opponent an# energi&e hiself at thesae tie. In =aire, !frica, when he fo%ght 3eorge 'orean for the hea"yweight

chapionship of the worl#, he incite# spectators to chant, !li, !li, boo ayah;,

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eaning !li, !li, )ill hi.; i)ewise, yo% nee# to r%le yo%r ental spectators theway he r%le# his o%ter ones.

Here7s how it wor)s: -o%r thoughts, yo%r feelings, an# yo%r behaviors are sosec%rely lin)e# that any acti"ity in one infl%ences the other two. If yo% are a sla"e toe"en a single ental spectator who gi"es yo% th%bs #own when yo% try to ipro"e

yo%rself, then yo% will gi"e %p on yo%r 5%est for selfipro"eent. -o%r selfconceptwill reain in the g%tter. 'or e4aple, say that yo% #eci#e to ipro"e yo%r"ocab%lary. %ch an ipro"eent will help yo% %n#erstan# coplicate# iss%es an#will also gi"e yo% confi#ence to tal) ore professionally at wor). This increase#confi#ence wo%l# nat%rally a)e yo% feel better abo%t yo%rself an# also enhance yo%r

>ob opport%nities. o yo% st%#y a "ocab%lary boo), an# yo% learn new wor#s an#ters. B%t when yo% try to %se one aro%n# another person, yo%r ental spectatorla%ghs an# tells yo% that yo% so%n# phony, li)e ignorant trash trying to so%n# sart.;Instea# of controlling yo%r ental spectator, yo% collapse in a heap, a "an5%ishe#gla#iator. -o%r opponent+self#o%bt+a#e one threatening gest%re an# #own yo%went. -o% ca"e# in. The #rea of selfipro"eent #ie#. 6orst of all, yo% a##e#

strength to yo%r ental spectators beca%se they thri"e on yo%r each an# e"ery loss.nli)e !li, who %se# spectators for strength, yo% let the %se yo%. !n# now yo%*rethe one who is bloo#ie#.

6hat has happene# to yo% is that negati"e tho%ghts Ayo%r ri#ic%ling spectatorca%se# yo% to re"ert fro the new, ipro"e# beha"ior Aspea)ing ore intelligently

bac) to an ol# beha"ior Aspea)ing as yo% always ha"e, an# yo% feel li)e pon# sc%.!n# yo%*re going to )eep feeling li)e pon# sc% %ntil yo% wa)e %p an# reali&e thatyo% can r%le those ental spectators. R%ling the will change the negati"e tho%ghtsthat are )eeping yo% #own. elf#o%bt #i#n*t beat yo% by itself an# it can*t )eep yo%#own by itself. It nee#e# the help of yo%r own ental spectators, an# yo% can learn tor%le the. I* going to show yo% how.

The reaining chapters of this boo) will g%i#e yo% on yo%r 5%est to r%le byipro"ing yo%r selfconcept. !n# no, yo% #on*t nee# to swing a swor# or toss a spear.!s I sai#, yo% are a gla#iator in the social arenayo% ha"e no choice+b%t yo%*ll

becoe a sart one, one who learns how to win those spectators to yo%r si#e, whobecoes a#ept at getting a grip on life an# becoing the person yo% ost want to be.6hat it ta)es are eight steps for getting coan#, eight steps yo% can apply to ostany sit%ation yo% want altere#. 1ritical thin)ing is cr%cial to each step. -o%*ll learn tothin) in sit%ations to which yo% now erely react. -o% will learn who yo%r entalspectators are, how yo% can #eal with the, an# how to battle yo%r way to a better,ore f%lfilling life. -o% will rea# abo%t other people with siilar probles to yo%rs

an# how they wor)e# their way thro%gh those probles. Beca%se I wo%l# ne"er"iolate the confi#ence of a frien# or selfconcept st%#ent, the characters I %se ase4aples in this boo) are act%ally coposites of se"eral people. Howe"er their

probles an# sol%tions are real.The characters yo% will rea# abo%t share soething in coon: none of the are

sic); in the clinical sense< none are insane or e"en abnoral. They7re siply peoplest%c) in self#estr%cti"e patterns. Beca%se of their negati"e selfconcepts they7re notli)ely to change those patterns witho%t soe )in# of help. Professional co%nselingoffers one path to achie"e that. Ta)ing coan# of their own li"es by learning to r%letheir relationships with ental spectators offers another path. B%t few people )nowhow to ta)e coan# once they are st%c) in a self#estr%cti"e pattern. They try one

thing an# then another. Then, with se"eral fail%res %n#er their belt, they gi"e %p an#accept their #ispiriting fate witho%t recogni&ing why they faile#. B%t the reason is

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clear: they let their ental spectators r%le the. They ha# no one to coach the in thearena. That7s where I coe in. ?y goal is to coach yo%, to show yo% how to #eal withthose spectators< yo%r tas) is to ta)e coan# of yo%r life.

Ta)e 1oan# an# 3ain 'ree#oBoo)stores are briing with selfhelp boo)s, so yo%7re probably won#ering

what this boo) has to offer that others #on7t. The answer is that y approach is not>%st a "ariation of other boo)s< it is fundamentally #ifferent. oo) in any boo)storean# yo%*ll fin# two types of selfhelp literat%re. /ne type of boo) will say that yo%r

probles are internal, that all yo%r #iffic%lties are the pro#%ct of forces within yo%whether yo% )now it or not. By changing yo%r attit%#e, the worl#+or at least yo%r"iew of it+also will change. This "iew coes priarily fro the fiel# of psychology,which ten#s to treat persons fro an in#i"i#%alistic perspecti"e. That is, each personis a soewhat isolate# thing; fille# with tho%ghts, eotions, an# all sorts of hi##en

psychic forces.The secon# type of boo) loo)s to society an# c%lt%re as the shaping forces. Here,

yo% are le# to belie"e that social in>%stices are at the root of yo%r probles. Becoing

socially conscio%s an# politically acti"e will help yo% change things in the worl# forthe better. Then, yo% personally will profit fro the change# social con#itions. This"iew grew fro the fiel# of sociology. 1ontrary to the psychological perspecti"e, this"iew is incline# to treat in#i"i#%als as parts of gro%ps, as cogs on the great gears ofsociety.

!s a social psychologist, I #o not see the two perspecti"es as necessarily inopposition. To the contrary, I belie"e both bo#ies of )nowle#ge can becoecopleentary eleents of a greater whole. !ll that7s nee#e# is soe gl%e to bon#the together. !n#, social psychology is that gl%e. I will help yo% recogni&e the

powerf%l infl%ences in yo%r life: yo%r society an# c%lt%re, the any sall gro%ps ofwhich yo% are part, certain in#i"i#%als, an#, ost iportantly, the ental spectatorsyo% ha"e create# fro the. Then, an# only then, can yo% f%lly go to wor) on ta)ingcoan# of yo%r life an# astering yo%r selfconcept.

I*ll coach yo% thro%gh the eight steps for ta)ing coan# of yo%r life< yo%r tas)is to #o the wor). $ow, let7s loo) at the steps.

Ei"ht Step to Ta/i$" Co&&a$' o( Your Li(eC. Define 6hat !ils -o%!s), what*s y proble9 ! I a >ealo%s weasel, tro%ble# that others ha"e what I

want9 ! I tic)e# off ost of the tie9 ! I sa# an# whiney9 !n4iety ri##en9?oo#y9 !ll of the abo"e9 6itho%t this step, yo%*re #ooe#. Healing relies on it. Itwill ta)e personal co%rage, b%t yo% won*t get res%lts witho%t i#entifying what ails

yo%.2. Disco"er the (ffects!s), how are y probles affecting y life9 ! I a lo%sy parent, a frien#less

#or), a bac)stabber, a sl%t, a #r%n), a >%n)ie9 ! I none of the abo"e, b%t soeonewho is less than I co%l# be9 This step re5%ires absol%te selfhonesty, b%t the tr%th willhelp set yo% free.

. ee) the o%rce!s), fro where are y probles coing9 6ho are y real an# y ental

spectators9 6hat #o y ental spectators loo) li)e, say, an# #o9 (4actly who orwhat is )eeping e fro ta)ing coan# of y life9 This co%l# be one of the ostincre#ible e4periences of yo%r life. -o% will loo) into the abyss an# see who is

loo)ing bac).E. I#entify -o%r Role

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!s), how a I contrib%ting to y probles9 6hat is y responsibility in all this9Di# I #eci#e to be a garbage #isposal9 Do I beat yself to #eath trying to pleaseothers9 Do I e4pect things of yself that are %nfair9 Do I treat yself as a frien# or aneney9 Do I allow y ental spectators to #ri"e e to #istraction, #epression, anger,an4iety9 Recogni&ing yo%r role in yo%r own probles is a positi"e+b%t scary+step

towar# )nowing yo%rself an# gaining personal coan#.F. tate -o%r Desires!s), what #o I specifically want to #o abo%t y probles9 Do I want to be a

#oorat, a sl%t, a #r%n), a frien#less gee)9 /r #o I want to r%le y ental spectators9Do I want to stan# %p to a spectator, real or within, who p%ts e #own9 Do I want tota)e coan# of y e#%cation, y ban) acco%nt, y relationships9 ntil yo% canact%ally list yo%r #esires in the or#er of their iportance yo% will be a "icti ofnegati"e selfconcept. Howe"er, once yo% #o this, yo% are on yo%r way %p fro being"an5%ishe# to being "ictorio%s. -o% will be on the path of ta)ing coan# of yo%rown life an# r%ling yo%r spectators.

G. ee) /ptions

!s), what are y options, an# in what or#er sho%l# I place the9 6hat is the firstoption I sho%l# concentrate on9 The secon# one, the thir#9 If yo% ha"e a so%ls%c)inghango"er ost ornings, yo% ight opt to gi"e %p yo%r boo&e b%##ies for soe realfrien#s. econ#ly, ta)e the oney yo% norally spen# at bars an# #eposit it in acollege f%n# for yo%rself or yo%r )i#s. If, instea#, yo%*re a wor)aholic an# yo% wantto spen# ore tie with yo%r )i#s, then D/ IT 8ery few people on their #eathbe#ha"e sai#, If I co%l# li"e life all o"er again, I*# spen# ore of it at wor) an# lesswith people I lo"e.; 1hoices are in"ol"e# here, b%t by weighing options an#alternati"es, an# then a)ing personal choices yo% are ta)ing coan#. Do this an#yo%7ll begin to gain real power.

. earn 6inning Techni5%es!s), how #o I r%le y real an# y ental spectators9 ?%st I collapse in a heap

when they point th%bs #own9 How can I learn to ta)e charge on e"ery le"el an# geta grip on y life9 $ow yo% apply the techni5%es that I*ll teach yo%. There is noagic; in"ol"e#, b%t yo% ight feel there is. nli)e a "an5%ishe# gla#iator falling atthe whi of spectators, yo% #eci#e yo%r own co%rse.

J. ?aster -o%r Relationships!s), what ore can I #o to aster y relationships by strengthening yself an#

y perceptions9 How #o I ta)e coan# right now in #e"eloping y owni#entification an# self worth9 1ongrat%lations -o%*re wor)ing on the one person inthe entire worl# yo% can wor) on+-/ !n# any ipro"eent in yo%rself can7t

help b%t enrich yo%r relationships with other people an# the worl# aro%n# yo%. B%treeber, this is not an end, it is ajourneyone that7s worth tra"eling the rest ofyo%r life.

If yo%7re willing to ta)e action, the following chapters will change yo%r life. Thechapters an# the wor)shops are in se5%ence for a reason+each step prepares yo% forthe ne4t one. Don7t pic) an# choose. Drin) in the inforation fro the secon#chapter, then coplete the wor)shop at the en#. 6ait %ntil yo% are certain yo%7"ecoplete# it f%lly an# honestly before o"ing on to the ne4t chapter. There are noshortc%ts. B%t the >o%rney will be worth the effort.

1hapter 2

HO4 +I+ I GET TO 5E 0E6("erybo#y has his own theater, in which

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he is anager, actor, propter,playwright, sceneshifter, bo4)eeper,

#oor)eeper, all in one, an# a%#ience intoALIGN0ENT.the bargain.

+K%li%s 1. Hare

an#!%g%st%s 6. Hare, 3%esses at Tr%th

The role of 1ritical Thin)ingALIGN0ENT.o, how did yo% get to be yo%9 This ight see li)e a st%pi# 5%estion, b%t I*

betting that soething in yo%r life s%c)s or yo% wo%l#n*t ha"e starte# rea#ing thissecon# chapter. !n# when soething in yo%r life s%c)s, it*s %s%ally beca%se yo% ha"elet eotions an# )nee >er) reactions act as yo%r g%i#es, lea#ing yo% into being asoewhat #ifferent e; than yo%*# li)e to be. !s the selection abo"e states, yo% areyo%r own cast an# stage crew, b%t is the play going on in yo%r hea# base# on yo%rla&y willingness to accept other people*s points of "iew, or is it base# on yo%r own

critical analysis9 That*s why now, before beginning the eight steps, yo% nee# tocoit yo%rself to replacing )nee >er)ing an# eotions with critical thin)ing.

6itho%t critical thin)ing we are prone to ista)es of >%#gent. I* s%re as ayo%ngster I a#e any s%ch ista)es, b%t the first one I can reeber occ%rre##%ring the s%er after the fo%rth gra#e when I spent K%ly on the far of y frien#,Roy. 6e*# been playing in a fiel# near his parents* farho%se when we notice# thatthe ain irrigation canal ha# #win#le# #own to a tric)le. Roy sai# that wo%l# be agreat tie to catch craw#a#s, an#, I, who ha# ne"er seen a craw#a#, tho%ght that %st

be a great i#ea, too, beca%se why else wo%l# Roy say it. 6ell, we ran hoe, grabbe# agal"ani&e# iron pail an# two pair of r%bber boots an# r%she# bac) o%t the #oor. Roy*sgran#pa, who was sitting on the bac) stoop, too) one loo) at %s an# cleare# his throat.

Harrr%ph; Roy stoppe# #ea# in his trac)s, his sho%l#ers san), an# he let o%t along sigh of #isappointent. I as)e# why he #i# that. Di#n*t yo% hear 3raps9; heas)e#.

-eah, he cleare# his throat. o 6hat9;That eans we*re abo%t to #o soething st%pi#.;H%h9;-eah, an# we better listen to hi.;It was goo# we #i# listen to hi. Ten in%tes later, abo%t the tie we wo%l# ha"e

been %p to o%r )nees in %# an# roc)s, a powerf%l hea# of water roare# thro%gh thecanal channel an# fille# it fro ban) to ban). Roy*s 3raps )new that on that

partic%lar #ay at that partic%lar tie the co%nty #itch ri#er wo%l# be releasing waterfro the hea# gates abo%t a ile %pstrea. The ne4t tie 3raps too) charge waswhen Roy trie# to snea) a pac) of his Da#*s ?arlboros o%t to the barn. Harrr%ph;6e ret%rne# the cigarettes to the pic)%p glo"e bo4 pronto after hearing 3rapsgr%ffly clear his throat. Then, the last tie was #%ring Roy*s birth#ay. I*# been on the

phone with y other when the ca)e was c%t, an# by the tie I finishe# tal)ing,e"eryone was o%tsi#e playing. Roy sai# to go in an# get y piece. B%t as I passe#3raps on the way thro%gh the #oor, I #istinctly hear#, Harr%ph; I t%rne# aro%n#an# went bac) o%tsi#e.

6hat*# yo% #o, swallow it whole9; Roy as)e#.$o, I #i#n*t e"en go in. 3raps warne# e soething was wrong.;

H%h9;He a#e that so%n#. -o% )now . . . the sound.;

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!h, soeties he*s >%st clearing his throat. -o% ha"e to learn the #ifference. 3oget yo%r ca)e. It*s the last piece.;

o, now I )new 3raps* throat clearing ha# at least two eanings: it co%l# be awarning or it co%l# be >%st a throat clearing. !s I approache# the #ining roo, the ol#an was sh%ffling o%t, wiping chocolate fro the corners of his o%th. The grin an#

twin)le in his eye tol# e all I nee#e# to )now+there were at least three reasons forclearing his throat. This is when I learne# to 5%estion a%thority. Ha# I )nown the firstr%le of critical thin)ing, a wily ol# an wo%l#n*t ha"e en>oye# y piece of ca)e an# Iwo%l# ha"e. He was the "ictor, I the "an5%ishe#. That ost iportant r%le of criticalthin)ing goes li)e this: Be s)eptical. !s), is soeone selling soething9 ("eryone+frien#s, the e#ia, boo)s, an# yo%r ental spectators+wor) ro%n# the cloc) to sellyo% soething, whether it*s their opinion or their pro#%ct. 3raps sol# e hisHarrr%ph; as a wor# of wis#o. I #i#n*t e"en 5%estion that it ight eansoething else. (4aine the e"i#ence before yo% accept soething as tr%e.

The Powerf%l ocial 6orl#Beca%se we li"e in a social worl# where others hol# so %ch infl%ence o"er %s,

it*s essential that yo% constantly rein# yo%rself to apply critical thin)ing in all yo%racti"ities an# relationships. !fter rea#ing the first chapter, yo% are failiar with theter ental spectator; to #escribe the infl%ential characters yo% ha"e in yo%rconscio%s in#. The ter sho%l#n*t be "iewe# as ysterio%s in any way. ("eryonehas ental spectators in the for of iages an# "oices insi#e their hea#s. o I*certain that yo%, an# e"ery other rea#er, 5%ic)ly an# easily recogni&e what I a#escribing. I* #escribing a social worl# fille# with li"ing, breathing ac5%aintances,an# also with their iages in yo%r in#.

'or e4aple, right now yo% ight be hearing e tal)ing with yo%, while alsosilently #isc%ssing with yo%rself the reasons yo% are rea#ing this boo). -o% ight beas)ing yo%rself abo%t what social interactions will change #%e to the newfo%n#)nowle#ge yo% are abo%t to learn. -o% can see; an# hear; other people. Insi#e yo%rhea#, yo%r ol#er co%sin ight be chi#ing yo% for rea#ing a selfhelp boo). -o%r bossight be telling yo% why yo% are a lac)ey an# she is the boss. -o%r significant otheright be ignoring yo%r nee#s. /r yo% ay siply be trying to tell yo%r ental spectators that yo% canbe yo%r own "al%able self.

oething is happening in yo%r life that yo% want to alter in soe way. ?aybeyo% want to >a&& %p yo%r lo"e life, ipro"e yo%r eployent options, or yo%rrelationship with a frien#, yo%r chil#, one or ore parents, or e"en yo%r ability ingeneral to get along with others. -o% )now that soehow this will ipro"e yo%r life.B%t one thing is clear+whate"er actions yo% ta)e Aor #on7t ta)e+in"ol"e yo%r

relationships with others. -o% are in an arena of social relationships. -o% can7t a)ea o"e witho%t b%ping into soeone, an# all those soeones press an# g%i#e yo%in ways yo% can barely iagine. That7s the price, an# the rewar#, of being h%an.-o% are always infl%ence# by others, real or ental. -o% #o reeber things peoplesay to yo% an# what they #o in response to what yo% say an# #o. Belie"e it or not, yo%#o care. !n# yo% are swaye# by other people.

'o%r 'orces That hape 6ho -o%r !reI* not going to bore yo% with a lot of social psychology terinology, b%t I #o

want to ephasi&e that there is a powerf%l lin) between yo%r thoughts, yo%rfeelings,an# yo%r behaviors. By %n#erstan#ing how yo%r tho%ghts are fore#, yo% becoee5%ippe# to ta)e coan# of yo%r beha"iors an# yo%r feelings. -o%r tho%ghts are

base# largely on yo%r personal "iew of reality, which has been shape# by fo%r forces.Four Shapi$" Force

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C. i"ing Teachers.These are the people who teach yo% "al%es an# how to beha"e. -o%r parents,

other careta)ers, an# infl%ential persons, s%ch as school teachers, ta%ght yo% r%less%ch as anners, an# they ta%ght yo% ost of the basic laws that people ha"e to li"e

by. They also infore# yo% abo%t how yo%r partic%lar c%lt%re "iews certain things,

incl%#ing science an# religion.2. Personal (4periences.!s yo% li"e in the worl#, yo% for yo%r own opinions of what7s right an# what7s

wrong, what7s real an# what7s fictional. 'or e4aple, yo% coe to the opinion thatg%lping hot chocolate Aan# therefore any hot #rin) before it cools is wrong + an#

painf%l. -o% also for opinions abo%t cartoon characters "s. real people. 6ile (.1oyote can fall iles off a cliff, splatter li)e a grape on concrete, an# then >%p right

bac) %p goo# as new. n#er siilar con#itions real people stay in the splattere# grapestage.

. /ther People7s Reactions to -o%r !ctions.'or e"ery social action yo% a)e, soeone else reacts to it. 'or e4aple, when

yo% ail o%t onesi&efitsall crison an# p%rple, rhinestonest%##e# loin cloths toyo%r relati"es for 1hristas an# all the gifts are ret%rne# with notes rea#ing, Than)s,

b%t it #oesn7t fit,; yo% face the reality that yo% a#e a ba# choice of gifts. Therespon#ents reacte# negati"ely. ("en s%btle c%es, s%ch as other people*s faciale4pressions, pro"i#e yo% with fee#bac) abo%t yo%r actions.

E. -o%r Iagine# Reactions of /thers.-o% constantly iagine how other people will probably react to yo%r actions. ay

yo% want to as) an attracti"e cowor)er to l%nch, b%t yo% iagine that she or he willla%gh in yo%r face. -o% accept the reality that yo% will not be sharing yo%r life withthat person.

If it7s not clear yet how yo%r personal reality is infl%ence# by yo%r societal reality,for a clear ental iage as yo% rea# the following:

/ne person approaches another, ebraces the other, then )isses the otherprof%sely on the face. The )isser now ta)es the )issee7s han#s, )isses the, then)isses the )issee on the ars, the sho%l#ers, an# e"en the chest. !ll the while, the)issee is siling.

6hat iage ha"e yo% fore#9 ! other an# her baby9 ! father an# his baby9-o% an# yo%r lo"er9 Two other lo"ers9 ! o"ie of two lo"ers9 ! pornographico"ie9 $ow, what if I tell yo% that the two people in the story were both en inilitary %nifors, an# any other sol#iers were watching9 In fact, the inci#ent wasshown on worl#wi#e tele"ision #%ring the Persian 3%lf 6ar. Ira57s #ictator, a##a

H%ssein, abo%t to re"iew his troops, was being greete# by one of his generals. $ow,pict%re the !erican 3eneral, $oran chwar&)opf, greeting the first Presi#ent3eorge B%sh that way. If the Ira5i general ha# not )isse# his coan#erinchief allo"er, he wo%l# ha"e been in big tro%ble. If chwar&)opf had )isse# his coan#erinchief all o"er, he wo%l# ha"e been in big tro%ble.

-o% get the pict%re. The e4aple I >%st ga"e was to #escribe how the in#i"i#%alan# society are b%t reflections of each other. It ta)es people to create a society, b%t,once create#, the nors an# the r%les of that society g%i#e an# #irect the people in it.et7s loo) at how that coes abo%t.

The 3aes People Play!n early sociologist, 3eorge Herbert ?ea#, #escribe# how the self; becoes a

social pro#%ct. ?ea# propose# two iportant stages #%ring chil#hoo# that aretypifie# by social acti"ity. The first is the play stage,; in which chil#ren play at

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reciprocal roles that are not bo%n# by r%les. 'or e4aple, #%ring early chil#hoo# playone chil# Athe thrower will toss a ball to another chil# Athe catcher. Then the secon#chil# becoes the thrower an# the first chil# becoes the catcher. (ach is learningtwo separate roles, that of thrower an# that of catcher + an# they*re #oing it witho%tforal r%les.

In later chil#hoo#, the gae stage; occ%rs, with e4tensi"e in"ol"eent inorgani&e# acti"ities base# on r%les. The str%ct%re of gae beha"ior re5%ires thatchil#ren see; the perspecti"e of all those in"ol"e#. Baseball pro"i#es an e4aple ofgae beha"ior. Here, a chil# learns not >%st to be a ball player, b%t e4periences whatit7s li)e to be a first basean, a right fiel#er, a pitcher, etc., an# what r%les those

players ha"e to follow. The chil# now Asay, as the batter can reflect on what it7s li)efor the pitcher, who is o%t there abo%t rea#y to pitch the ball. o the pitcher isn7t >%stan ob>ect stan#ing on the pitcher7s o%n#, b%t is a real person; with a goal in in#,r%les to follow, an# eotional in"ol"eent in the gae. If yo% hit a hoe r%n, yo%#on7t ha"e to watch the pitcher7s face to )now that he or she is not happy at theoent the ball flies o"er the fence, yo% )now it beca%se yo% can p%t yo%rself in the

role of pitcher.'ro this an# other gae beha"ior chil#ren coe to establish a sense of the

generali&e# other.; -o% ight not be able to clib into the pitcher7s s)in, b%t yo%ha"e a real sense of how the pitcher is feeling. i)e yo%rself, other people ha"e r%lesto follow, they ha"e probles, an# they ha"e feelings.

By now yo% probably reali&e that the chil#7s gae stage is >%st the beginning of alifelong process of #isco"ering what it7s li)e to be in others7 shoes.; Thro%gh this

process, yo% grow priarily in two ways. 'irst, yo%r %n#erstan#ing of yo%rself isassociate# with at%ring cogniti"e Athin)ing processes. econ#, these cogniti"e

processes are base# on selfreflection within a broa#er social conte4t. In other wor#s,yo%r ability to thin) abo%t who yo% are has grown thro%gh e4perience with the worl#.-o% ha"e coe to see how yo% fit into yo%r own social circles as well as in the largersociety itself. This is goo# in that people learn how to get along in their worl#.Iagine the alternati"e in which each in#i"i#%al co%l# only "iew the worl# fro acopletely selfcentere# perspecti"e. How co%l# the h%an race e4ist if e"ery person,li)e a bawling infant, a#e only selfish #ean#s an# offere# nothing in ret%rn9/b"io%sly it co%l# not.

/%ghts,; Tr%iss an# the ?e#iaThe sae phenoenon #escribe# abo"e+learning to get along in social circles+

also has a negati"e si#e to it. 6hile it ens%res the s%r"i"al of societies, it also lies atthe heart of so any in#i"i#%al #iffic%lties. 'or any people, the ental spectators

that are fore# fro their e4periences in the social worl# gi"e the i4e# ortro%bling essages. In#ee#, e"en perfectly noral; people often face #isparity inwhat they thin) they o%ght to be; an# in what they thin) they act%ally are.; That is,they see a contrast between what their ental spectators are telling the theysho%l#; be an# how they act%ally; pict%re thesel"es. This is often associate# with%nrealistic self#ean#s an# e4periences of g%ilt. 6hen yo% can*t li"e %p to o%ghts,;yo%r selfconcept spirals #ownwar#. !fter all, how can yo% thin) highly of yo%rself ifyo% can*t e"en rise to coon stan#ar#s9

This happenstance often occ%rs in the area of gen#er roles. By gen#er role, I #on*tean yo%r se4, I ean those nonphysical aspects of se4 that are c%lt%rally regar#e# asappropriate to ales or to feales, an# which are %s%ally at the e4cl%sion of the other.

Thin) for a oent abo%t all the o%ghts; yo% carry aro%n# with yo% that in"ol"e thisone s%b>ect alone. -o% o%ght to: act li)e a la#y,; stan# tall li)e a an,; be ore

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sensiti"e,; be ore asserti"e,; ta)e care of the )i#s,; bring hoe the bacon.; Ico%l# fill the rest of this chapter with o%ghts, b%t the point is yo% )now what I*saying is correct.

I* not going to harp on this s%b>ect by in"o)ing political correctness: naely,insisting that all the e"il in the worl# occ%rs beca%se societies treat en an# woen

#ifferently, an# woen always get the #irty en# of the stic). In fact, that*s siply nottr%e. 'or e4aple, in !erican tele"ision coercials, en are alost always#%nces who can*t tie their own shoes. oe woan, who )nows all an# sees all, hasto sarcastically tell hi that first yo% place this lace o"er this one, an# then yo% . . .;I will also point o%t that en #on*t li"e as long as woen an# the reason co%l#incl%#e social ones. ?en are e4pecte# to swallow their eotions, an act that can ha"enegati"e health conse5%ences o"er tie. o I* not as)ing for yo% to play the poore, I* a "icti; gae. I* as)ing that yo% apply critical thin)ing to e"erything.Reeber, e4aine the e"i#ence. 1ritical thin)ing incl%#es not in#lessly acceptingliitations of yo%r gen#er. In#ee#, tight social #efinitions threaten yo%rin#epen#ence. 1onsi#er these gen#erliiting tr%iss.

Ei"ht Ge$'er-Li&iti$" Trui&

C. !#a7s RibALIGN0ENT.("e was not only create# o%t of !#a7s rib, b%t she was create# secon#. This

>%stifies the #oination of anh%sban# o"er woanwife an# in#icates that woancan ne"er be whole; witho%t a an.

2. e#%ction("e se#%ce# !#a to sin against 3o#7s #ictate an# lose innocence as well as the

right to iortality an# life in Para#ise. 3o#, therefore, p%nishe# ("e7s A6oan7s#isobe#ience an# se#%ction of !#a A?an by s%bitting her to enstr%al s%fferingan# s%bor#inating her to the a%thority of an.

. Rape6oen anip%late an# se#%ce en into losing their rational control an#,

therefore, acti"ely f%lfill woen7s se4%al fantasies an# #esires thro%gh falseinnocence an# passi"ity. 6oen see) rape to aintain their iage of false innocencewhile passi"ely e4ercising their sens%al an# se4%al power o"er en.

E. ?acho ?an! real an shows no soft; characteristics s%ch as "%lnerability or openness. He

always e4hibits a anly air of to%ghness, confi#ence, an# selfreliance whileaintaining an a%ra of #aring, aggression, an# capability for righteo%s "iolence.

F. The HeLhe Do%ble tan#ar#Real en are irresistible an# #esirable to woen. They #eonstrate their se4%al

prowess thro%gh %ltiple se4%al con5%ests. Howe"er, tr%ly #esirable woen are"irt%o%s an# faithf%l while aintaining p%re an# n%rt%ring i#eals that precl%#einterests in se4%al atters.

G. The heLHe Do%ble tan#ar#/nly woen ha"e orals an# wis#o, an# they are free to e4ercise their right of

free speech to ill%strate this. !ny an who spea)s an opinion that is #ifferent fro thefeinist line is a b%lly, a pig, an# a woan hater.

. The ?in#less ?an!s atteste# by T8 coercials, en are in#less #olts, %nable to #iscern colors,

follow #irections, t%rn on a sto"e, or han#le e"en their ost basic nee#s witho%tawoan to other the.

J. Biology

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Thro%gh nat%ral selection ales ha# a greater nee# to #e"elop physical strengthan# prowess as well as a#"ance# ental fac%lties. 6oen were protecte# an#sheltere# for chil#bearing, so they, therefore, were not e4pose# to the sit%ations orcirc%stances that re5%ire# the a#"ance# #e"elopent of s%ch physical or entalcapabilities.

Please %n#erstan#I am not attacking religion or any other organized endeavor6hat I a #oing is i#entifying soe tr%iss, that is, concepts we ta)e for grante#witho%t applying critical thin)ing. (4aple C: ("en if yo% belie"e that ("e wascreate# fro !#a*s rib, it #oesn*t ean that a woan is less >%stifie# to ha"e ahappy an# pro#%cti"e life than a an is. (4aple 2: ("en if it*s tr%e that alese"ol"e# to ha"e greater physical strength than feales, it #oesn*t a%toatically eanthat they also e"ol"e# greater intelligence. In#ee#, the arg%ent co%l# be a#e that ifone is physically wea)er, one nee#s to be sarter to s%r"i"e. (4aple : !

prepon#erance of the worl#*s chefs an# artists are en, so let*s lay en*s inability tot%rn on a sto"e or #iscern colors to rest

I s%bit that these tr%iss lay at the root of any personal probles, incl%#ing

feelings of ina#e5%acy, the harf%l b%rying of eotions, an# the a"oi#ance of reality.In any ways they are li)e stage #irections, which force actors to perfor withincertain prescribe# g%i#elines. In the real worl# this ten#s to restrict personal free#o,an# it can ha"e #isastro%s effects on o%r relationships. How often #oes #ate rape occ%rwhen ?acho ?an; carries the Rape tr%is along on an e"ening o%t with his #reagirl9 How any %nwante# babies are concei"e# when a yo%ng woan falls prey toher faith in the e#%ction tr%is, belie"ing that her best Aaybe, only asset is a se4yiage9 !n# what of the father of her baby who e4c%ses hiself base# %pon the saetr%is, thin)ing that, he tease# e into it, so I7 really not at fa%lt;9 In o%r societythese tr%iss affect alost e"ery relationship, fro the ost cas%al to the ost

personal. In#%stries rely on woan as the se#%ctress. Thin) of how %ch feale s)inis shown in tele"ision a#s an# the coe on; beha"ior of those woen. !n#, foryears, the rare s%ccessf%l an+the one in a illion who is not a #olt+has been

portraye# as %sing soe pro#%ct that enhances his acho iage an# g%arantees thathe7ll score with "ol%pt%o%s babes.; et*s consi#er how these tr%iss affectin#i"i#%al li"es.

1ase Report C: Kanet?y first ipression of Kanet was of a charing, attracti"e, yo%ng woan who ha#

little reason for self#o%bt. It was a short first ipression. he ha# a real nee# for selfconcept coaching. !t 2, she was a single waitress in a pop%lar, chic resta%rant an#wine bar. In tal)ing with her, I #isco"ere# %ns%rprisingly that she collecte# ore in

tips than any of her colleag%es. he*# recently #roppe# o%t of college in the i#st ofher senior year, li"e# alone in a sall, b%t %pscale, apartent, an# she #ro"e a twoyearol# ?%stang. 6ith s%ch aterial trappings, yo%*# thin) she wo%l# be soewhat

please# with her life. Howe"er, it t%rne# o%t that her associations with other peoplewere #isastro%s. The relationships she ha# with other woen were shallow an#copetiti"e. In fact, she co%l#n*t nae a solitary frien#: ac5%aintances, yes, frien#s,no. he was anip%lati"e with en, an# she %se# se4%ality as a tool. In#ee#, she leftcollege after an affair she was ha"ing with a arrie# gra#%ate st%#ent blew %p in herface. he ha#, herself, confesse# the affair to her lo"er*s wife in an attept to create a#i"orce. The wife, the h%sban#, an# their two chil#ren staye# together< Kanet was#roppe# col#. Kanet coplaine# that no one care# abo%t her feelings, an# that she

always catere# to others7 wants or nee#s. he fre5%ently becae fr%strate# an# angry

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at her sit%ation. he belie"e# that her only real power was her ability to attract en.!ll woen, she belie"e#, were >ealo%s an# %nfair to her.

1onsi#er, now, how her life ha# fallen "icti to the gen#erliiting tr%iss. hefelt e4treely ina#e5%ate in alost e"ery way e4cept in her ability to attract en. ToKanet, en were s%perior to woen ABiological tr%is an# !#a7s Rib tr%is, b%t,

ne"ertheless, she tho%ght the only way she co%l# get along with en was toanip%late the with her se4%ality Ae#%ction tr%is. Kanet also a#itte# to playinga "ery #angero%s gae. he li)e# to toy with en, iplicitly proising se4%alrelations, b%t then re"erting to chil#li)e innocence in attepts to force the an tota)e her; li)e soe hero fro a gothic no"el. In #oing this, she not only p%t herselfat ris), b%t she was also rewar#ing en for aggressi"e beha"ior ARape tr%is.

1ase Report 2: 1olby1olby, a E2yearol# steelwor)er, ha# been arrie# for 22 years to an attracti"e

wife. !t hoe, his wife was in coplete charge, e"en choosing what clothes he*#wear an# when. In spite of ha"ing fo%r chil#ren he lo"e#, he ha# been in"ol"e# inse"eral e4traarital affairs. 6hen I et hi, he was angry an# hostile beca%se hiswife ha# as)e# for a #i"orce. He was a r%gge#ly han#soe g%y, who claie# thatwoen cae on to hi an# he was powerless to control his se4 #ri"e when they#eliberately t%rne# hi on. He sai# that se4 ha# nothing to #o with lo"e an# that hiswife+li)e his other+#i#n*t feel or %n#erstan# this power of #own an# #irty;se4%ality. He tho%ght his wife sho%l# ha"e %n#erstoo# that he ha# a an7s; nee#sthat she wo%l# fin# #isg%sting. He sai# that he lo"e# her an# wante# to )eep her p%rean# protecte#.

oe en, li)e 1olby, thin) they*re s%ppose# to lea"e all #oestic #ecisions totheir spo%se A?in#less ?an tr%is. /thers really belie"e they are powerless tocontrol their se4 #ri"e when woen #eliberately t%rn the on Ae#%ction tr%is.

!n# once a woan has #eliberately; #one that, any portrayal of innocence on herpart is only eant to t%rn hi on ore ARape tr%is. !n# while 1olby wante# an#li)e# se4, he wante# to )eep his wife p%re fro the #isg%sting nee#s of en ADo%bleHeLhe tan#ar# tr%is. This bro%ght on fr%stration an# conflict abo%t his ostiportant relationship.

1olby, of co%rse, ha# ne"er hear# of these tr%iss e4actly as I ha"e #escribe#the. 6itho%t y help he wo%l# ne"er ha"e ha# any i#ea they are tr%iss. They were

>%st things in life he too) for grante#. D%ring 1olby*s %pbringing he was tol# byrespecte# others+father, ol#er brother, frien#s, the e#ia+that se4y woen sayno; when they ean yes.; oewhere in his bac)gro%n# he learne# that wi"es an#others, as oppose# to other woen,; were hoea)ers, p%re an# innocent of

things se4%al. By not recogni&ing how his beliefs, fo%n#e# on other people7s infl%encean# on c%lt%ral tr%iss, infl%ence# hi, 1olby was #ooe# to a life of %nhappiness.His ental spectators were going to contin%e to gi"e hi th%bs %p for #estr%cti"e

beha"iors, e"en tho%gh his wife was #i"orcing hi an# his life was going to hell in ahan# bas)et.

ae for Kanet: Her ental spectators, fore# #%ring chil#hoo#, a#olescence, an#yo%ng a#%lthoo#, appla%#e# too any wrong actions an# booe# too any right ones.Kanet ne"er trie# to for any soli# frien#ships. Her ental spectators tol# her thatother woen were ri"als, not to be tr%ste#, an# that en were hers to be anip%late#.This is har#ly the st%ff of frien#ship, or of a happy life.

Brea)ing the Bon#s

'ort%nately for both Kanet an# 1olby, life is not cast in stone. It is a process, an#li)e any process, its #irection can be altere#. B%t a great #eal of selfhonesty an#

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co%rage is in"ol"e# in a)ing the #ecision to alter one7s life. It was certainly #iffic%ltfor all the people I7"e )nown who ha"e a#e the #ecision. That a)es it all the oreiportant to %se y stepbystep process, beginning with 6or)shop C. !s with all

people, it was ne4t to ipossible for the to start the >o%rney of ta)ing coan# oftheir li"es witho%t first #efining what aile# the. 6or)shop C is a g%i#e for #oing >%st

that. 1olby*s an# Kanet*s selfreport are incl%#e# as e4aples of how to go abo%t thischallenge, b%t, of co%rse, only yo% can answer for yo%.

Before yo% begin the first wor)shop, howe"er, I sho%l# ention that eachin#i"i#%al will fin# his or her own le"el of #iffic%lty in copleting the self report.oe will 5%ic)ly write #own the inforation, others will ta)e soe tie. Go at yourown pace !lso, at the ris) of casting stereotypes, I sho%l# ention that en generallyfin# it ore #iffic%lt to e4press what is tro%bling the. Researchers long agoi#entifie# woen as being both 5%ic)er to for close associations with saese4frien#s, an# ore li)ely to self#i"%lge to their frien#s. ?en often ha"e a "ery to%ghtie e4pressing their concerns. ("en when they attept to #isclose their probles in

pri"ate, their ental spectators can be to%gh to #eal with. tan# tall li)e a an,; all

too often eans to ignore the pain. In reality, pain is a essenger telling yo% thatsoething is o%t of )ilter. It7s helpf%l to recogni&e this.

!n# that7s one ore a#"antage of this boo) an# its etho#s. 'irst, by now allrea#ers+ woen an# en ali)e+will ha"e a basic %n#erstan#ing of the concept ofthe ental spectators, an# how early sociali&ation an# c%lt%ral tr%iss ha"e helpe# toshape those spectators. It7s iportant, too, that yo% reeber how yo%r personal "iewof reality is sc%lpte# by the 'o%r haping forces: i"ing Teachers, Personal(4periences, /ther People7s Reactions to -o%r /wn !ctions, an# -o%r Iagine#Reactions of /thers. In fact, it7s so iportant that yo% sho%l#n7t hesitate to ret%rn tothis chapter to re"iew The 'o%r haping 'orces, an# also the (ight 3en#eriitingTr%iss any tie yo% #esire.

$ow we begin the first wor)shop.

4OR7SHOP 836/RMH((T: !?P( 1olby;

C ist three to fi"e of the ost serio%s concerns yo% ha"e abo%t yo%rself an#yo%r relationships.

?y wife #%ping e oo)ing li)e a loser to y b%##ies Being a fail%re ettingwoen screw %p y life

2 ist one to two feelings aro%se# in yo% by each of the concerns yo% liste#abo"e.

Pisse# off, lonely

hae, ebarrassenti)e a loseri)e being stabbe# in the bac) How #o yo%r concerns an# feelings affect yo%r beliefs abo%t yo%rself as a

anLwoan9?a)es e feel o%t of control, an# a an sho%l#n7t be o%t of control. These )in#s

of feelings are for losers.E How #o yo%r concerns an# feelings affect yo%r beliefs abo%t the opposite se49K%st a)es e ore s%re of how controlling an# tric)y ost of the are. They

ay not be as strong or sart, b%t they )now how to get to yo%.F 6hat #o yo% belie"e the ain #ifferences are between en an# woen in

their tho%ghts, feelings, an# beha"iors9

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Tho%ghts: ?en thin) abo%t getting things #one N ha"ing a goo# tie. 6oenthin) abo%t getting what they want

'eelings: ?en #on7t waste their tie on feelings, an# that7s all woen #o.Beha"iors: ?en wor) their b%tts off. 6oen shop an# ta)e care of the )i#sG 6ho ta%ght yo% how enLwoen Awhiche"er is appropriate to yo% are

s%ppose# to beha"e9?ostly y #a#, b%t also y b%##ies 6ho are the people yo% care ost abo%t in yo%r life9?y wife, o an# #a#. ?y )i#s, especially y ol#est son.

ALIGN0ENT.J How #o each of these people see yo% as a anLwoan9?y son loo)s %p to e. They thin) I7 strong an# can ta)e care of yself an# y

faily.O 6ho appro"es of yo% ost when yo% beha"e the way a real anLwoan

sho%l#9

?y #a# an# son. ?y b%##y, Darrel.C0 6ho #isappro"es of yo% ost when yo% beha"e the way a real anLwoan iss%ppose# to.

?y wife, she won7t %n#erstan# what I nee#. he #oesn7t Mnow what a real se4nee# is.

CC 6hat tr%iss or parts of tr%iss ha"e ha# an infl%ence on yo%r beliefs abo%ten an# woen, in general9

That the ?acho ?an is tr%e of en. B%t what7s the tr%is9 This is how it is.6oen are hot, so the e#%ction tr%is an# the Rape tr%is. B%t, the )in# of woanyo% arry an# ha"e )i#s with sho%l#n7t be that way, so the Do%ble HeLhe tan#ar#tr%is, I g%ess.

C2 6hat tr%is or parts of tr%iss ha"e ha# effects on yo% an# yo%rrelationships9

6hen yo% as) that way, I g%ess all the tr%iss I nae# in CC ight ca%se soeof the tro%ble I get into with woen.

4OR7SHOP 836/RMH((T: !?P( Kanet;

C ist three to fi"e of the ost serio%s concerns yo% ha"e abo%t yo%rself an#yo%r relationships.

I #on7t feel li)e I ha"e any real frien#s. ("erybo#y treats e li)e they #on*t tr%ste. The girls I )now are two face#, they act frien#ly to y face b%t p%t e #own

behin# by bac) beca%se the g%ys they li)e thin) I7 hot. I get bore# with en an#always loo) for soeone better.

2 ist one to two feelings aro%se# in yo% by each of the concerns yo% liste#abo"e.

I feel h%rt an# lonely. I get angry abo%t how girls always ha"e to copete, an# I#on7t tr%st the. I get scare# that I can7t lo"e anybo#y. I get tire# of ha"ing to try so

har#.ALIGN0ENT. How #o yo%r concerns an# feelings affect yo%r beliefs abo%t yo%rself as a

anLwoan9I feel li)e woen are cats, p%rring an# then hissing. I thin) I7 what a woan

sho%l# be, b%t I #on7t get how woen can e"er be frien#s. oeties I hate being a

woan.E How #o yo%r concerns an# feelings affect yo%r beliefs abo%t the opposite se49

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I belie"e en want woen to be se4y an# #esirable, they want f%n an# to ha"etheir egos fe#. B%t, en ne"er really care what a woan feels or thin)s, they >%stwant se4.

F 6hat #o yo% belie"e the ain #ifferences are between en an# woen intheir tho%ghts, feelings, an# beha"iors9

Tho%ghts: ?en thin) abo%t wor), sports, politics, N se4. 6oen thin) abo%tgetting arrie#, loo)s, N being pop%lar

'eelings: ?en #on7t share their feelings, so who )nows96oen feel >ealo%sy, loneliness, fear, N to be nee#e#Beha"iors: ?en act stronger an# ore aggressi"e, they #o ore things. 6oen

act se4y b%t sweet an# not too sart.G 6ho ta%ght yo% how enLwoen Awhiche"er is appropriate to yo% are

s%ppose# to beha"e9?y o an# y two ol#er sisters. !lso, watching y o an# #a# together.

B%t, I also learne# fro T8 an# o"ies. 6ho are the people yo% care ost abo%t in yo%r life9

PARA SETTINGS.?y o an# #a# an# little sister, ita.J How #o each of these people see yo% as a anLwoan9?o N ita thin) I7 sart an# pop%lar. Da# thin)s I7 a princess.O 6ho appro"es of yo% ost when yo% beha"e the way a real anLwoan

sho%l#9?o, #a#, an# ita. They thin) I7 >%st what any woan sho%l# be or want to be.C0 6ho #isappro"es of yo% ost when yo% beha"e the way a real anLwoan

sho%l#9?y other sisters an# the girls I wor) with. They always act li)e I7 st%pi# an#

selfish

CC 6hat tr%iss or parts of tr%iss ha"e ha# an infl%ence on yo%r beliefs abo%ten an# woen, in general9

This is har# beca%se I #i#n7t )now these i#eas were tr%iss. I tho%ght all thetr%iss were >%st tr%e abo%t how en N woen act, feel an# thin).

C2 6hat tr%iss or parts of tr%iss ha"e ha# affects on yo% an# yo%rrelationships9

ince I tho%ght all of those tr%iss were tr%e abo%t en an# woen, I g%ess all ofthe ha"e ha# soe infl%ence on e N how I relate to people, especially en.

4OR7SHOP 83B- P!RTI1IP!TI$3 I$ TH(( 6/RMH/P -/ !R( T!MI$3 TH(

'IRT T(P T/6!RD T!MI$3 1/??!$D /' -/R I'( THR/3HBR(!MI$3 TH( B!RRI(R T/ ?/R( P/ITI8(, B($('I1I!R(!TI/$HIP. TH(( !R( '/R -/R P(R/$! B($('IT !$D IT II?P/RT!$T TH!T -/ H!8( TH( 1/R!3( T/ B( ! H/$(T !P/IB(. 6H($(8(R $(1(!R- P(!( R('(R T/ TH( !?P(PR/8ID(D T/ H(P -/ I$ !$6(RI$3 -/R /6$ @(TI/$. ! !P/T($TI! ?($T! P(1T!T/R; I PP/RT -/ I$ -/R (''/RT6ITH B/TH TH?B P6/RMH((T:

C ist three to fi"e of the ost serio%s concerns yo% ha"e abo%t yo%rself an#yo%r relationships.

2 ist three to fi"e of the ost serio%s concerns yo% ha"e abo%t yo%rself an#yo%r relationships.

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How #o yo%r concerns an# feelings affect yo%r beliefs abo%t yo%rself as aanLwoan9

E How #o yo%r concerns an# feelings affect yo%r beliefs abo%t the opposite se49F 6hat #o yo% belie"e the ain #ifferences are between en an# woen in

their tho%ghts, feelings, an# beha"iors9ALIGN0ENT.Tho%ghts:'eelings:Beha"iorsG 6ho ta%ght yo% how enLwoen Awhiche"er is appropriate to yo%r gen#er

are s%ppose# to beha"e9 6ho are the people yo% care ost abo%t in yo%r life9J How #o each of these people see yo% as a anLwoan9O 6ho appro"es of yo% ost when yo% beha"e the way a real anLwoan

sho%l#9C0 6ho #isappro"es of yo% ost when yo% beha"e the way a real anLwoan

sho%l#9CC 6hat tr%is or parts of tr%iss ha"e ha# an infl%ence on yo%r beliefs abo%ten an# woen, in general9

C2 6hat tr%iss or parts of tr%iss ha"e ha# effects on yo% an# yo%rrelationships9

SUGGESTE+ E9ERCISE 83ho%l# yo% choose to try this e4ercise, please reeber that this is for yo%r

benefit an# not to create any f%rther probles with what ails yo%. Therefore, please becaref%l in yo%r selection of an interaction partner. 1H//( /?(/$( -/TRT !$D 6ITH 6H/? -/ '(( 8(R- 1/?'/RT!B(. D/ $/T1H//( /?(/$( 6ITH 6H/? -/ H!8( 1/$1(R$ 6ith this

%n#erstoo#:elect one an an# one woan yo% are close to an# start a con"ersation abo%t the

ost iportant #ifferences in tho%ghts, feelings, an# beha"iors between en an#woen. !fter each con"ersation, i#entify an# recor# any tr%iss or parts of tr%issthat yo% belie"e yo%r con"ersation partner e4presse# or iplie# #%ring yo%r#isc%ssion.

1hapter THE LIFESTYLE EFFECTS

/ne conse5%ence of the fact that weare social anials is that we li"e

in a state of tension between "al%esassociate# with in#i"i#%ality an#"al%es associate# with confority.

+(lliot !ronsonelf1oncept: 6ho ("al%ates -o%9In the first two chapters yo% learne# how early sociali&ation, incl%#ing yo%r

%pbringing, school e4periences, e#ia infl%ences, an# so on, helpe# to g%i#e yo%rtho%ghts an# feelings. By this stage of the boo) yo% sho%l# be failiar with the terental spectators,; The 'o%r haping 'orces,; an# the (ight 3en#eriitingTr%iss.; $ow it is tie to see how these iportant eleents infl%ence yo%r lifestyle,an# what yo%r lifestyle can tell yo% abo%t yo%. This is yo%r chance to really start

)nowing yo%rself.

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! a>or iss%e is the 5%estion of who e"al%ates yo%< that is, who #eterines yo%rselfconcept9 elfconcept has been referre# to as an in#i"i#%al7s o"erall selfe"al%ation, with the self being an ob>ect of )nowle#ge. This #efinition is %s%ally ta)ento ean that yo% entally stan# bac); fro yo%rself an# e"al%ate yo%rself as yo%wo%l# alost any other ob>ect, e4cept, of co%rse, that yo% ha"e stronger feelings

abo%t yo%rself.I ta)e a consi#erably #ifferent position. I say yo%r selfconcept is the totality of

yo%r tho%ghts an# feelings abo%t yo%rself. It is the whole yo%,; otherwise )nown asyo%r i#entity. !n# yo% #on7t ha"e to step bac) fro yo%rself at all beca%se any wayyo% try to e"al%ate yo%rself in"ol"es other people, real or ental. This becoes 5%iteapparent as yo% loo) at the fo%r so%rces for the foration of selfconcept.

The Four Source o( Sel(-Co$ceptC. Reflecte# K%#gents!n early sociologist, 1harles Horton 1ooley, coine# the ter, oo)ing 3lass

elf; to #escribe how the in#i"i#%al an# society are b%t reflections of each other.Reflecte# >%#gent Aor appraisal, then, is the notion that o%r sense of self coeslargely fro o%r perceptions of how others >%#ge %s. ince we can ne"er tr%ly seeo%rsel"es thro%gh ro%gh other people7s eyes, we ha"e #iffic%lty >%#ging o%rsel"eshonestly. Reflecte# >%#gents act%ally ao%nt to the way we think other people see%s rather than the way they act%ally #o. In other wor#s, o%r loo)ing glass; is#istorte#. !lso, these reflecte# >%#gents ha"e greater infl%ence on %s if we highly"al%e the person we thin) is e"al%ating %s. How yo% thin) soeone yo% respect

>%#ges yo% has a lot ore eaning than how yo% thin) soe lowlife >%#ges yo%.ATo consi#er how reflecte# >%#gents ight be #istorte#, iagine that yo% are at a

faily re%nion picnic. -o% are bent o"er the table, loa#ing yo%r plate with potatosala#, when yo% hear the snap of a caera sh%tter. oo)ing bac) o"er yo%r sho%l#er,

yo% see yo%r co%sin lowering a caera after ha"ing >%st ta)en a photo of yo%r a%ntan# %ncle, who are seate# to yo%r right an# across the table. -o% say to yo%r co%sin,I hope yo% #i#n7t get e in the pict%re.; -o%r co%sin e4plains, $ot to worry. I #on7tha"e a wi#eangle lens.; In reality yo%r co%sin act%ally #i# ean that yo% wereo%tsi#e the narrow foc%s of the caera. $o ins%lt was eant or e"en consi#ere# onher part. $e"ertheless, yo% are nagge# by the tho%ght that she was really saying thatonly a wi#eangle lens co%l# photograph yo%r iense bac)si#e. In other wor#s,yo%r belief of her >%#gent is #istorte#. -o%r reflecte# >%#gent is not acc%rate.Beca%se of this, yo% #%p the potato sala# bac) into the ser"ing bowl an# go hoeh%ngry.

2. ocial 1oparison

The social psychologist, eon 'estinger, i#entifie# a secon# infl%ential so%rce ofselfconcept as the social coparison process, where in#i"i#%als eas%re their owncopetence by coparing thesel"es with others.

ATh%s, if yo% are a woan an# yo%r personal bo#y iage is base# on acoparison of yo%r fig%re with woen in general, yo% probably feel pretty goo#abo%t yo%r bo#y iage. If yo%r coparison gro%p is fro the ann%al swis%it e#itionof Sports Illustrated, yo% probably feel li)e a toa#.

If yo% are a an an# yo% e"al%ate yo%r bas)etball s)ills by coparing yo%rselfwith yo%r wee)en# o"erthehill copetitors, yo% will >%#ge yo%rself #ifferently thanif yo%r coparison is with ?ichael Kor#an.

. elfattrib%tion

elfattrib%tion refers to how in#i"i#%als e4plain their beha"ior. The 5%estion is:How %ch of this beha"ior is y responsibility9; This notion s%ggests that

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selfconcept is tie# not so %ch to an in#i"i#%al7s beha"ior as to his or herinterpretation of the beha"ior.

A'or e4aple, yo% ser"e #inner to yo%r g%ests, who eat little of it, an# yo% thenthin) to yo%rself, I ha"e so %ch left o"er beca%se all the g%ests fille# %p on hors#7oe%"res before #inner.; -o%r selfconcept has been preser"e#. /n the other han#, if

yo% thin) I7 a sch%c) of a host an# always will be,; yo%7re probably a)ing too%ch of a single inci#ent an# #aaging yo%r selfconcept.

E. ocial I#entityocial i#entity refers to socially recogni&e# belonging, s%ch as one7s social class

an# stat%s, race, religion, or organi&ational affiliations. Howe"er, low prestige inters of social position #oes not necessarily pro#%ce a negati"e selfconcept. That is,yo% ay be a eber of a poor faily an# not feel ba# abo%t it as long as the otherfailies in yo%r neighborhoo# are also poor.

A'or e4aple, pict%re yo%rself as a fo%rthgra#er fro a lowincoe faily goingto school with other chil#ren of yo%r sae econoic stat%s. -o% feel e5%al to theother st%#ents in yo%r school. Then, the school boar# re#istricts an# yo% are sent to a

school fille# with %pper class st%#ents. %##enly, yo% are st%c) in the %ncofortablestate of coparing yo%rself with pri"ilege#; )i#s. -o%r relati"e poorness; co%l#negati"ely affect yo%r selfconcept.

$otice that all fo%r so%rces in"ol"e soe sort of e"al%ation or >%#gent of yo%rworth as yo% relate to other people. !s well they %st. H%an beings are socialanials. $o one is born at%re, able to care for her or hiself. 'ro the firstoent of yo%r life yo% re5%ire# care an# no%rishent by other people. -o% learne#their lang%age an# their c%stos, an# yo% grew %p %n#er the %brella of their c%lt%rewith all its r%les, roles, an# instit%tions. !n# yo% learne# how to beha"e largely byrewar# Aanything that felt goo# an# p%nishent Aanything that felt ba# accor#ing towhether yo%r beha"ior please# or #isplease# yo%r careta)ers, teachers an# otheriportant people in yo%r worl#. There was + an# is + no way to a"oi# the infl%enceof others. o is it any won#er that, in one way or another, yo%r selfconcept #epen#s%pon their e"al%ation of yo%9 /f co%rse not

B%t what7s ost interesting is that these people ha"e becoe yo%r entalspectators. Reeber, it7s not necessarily how soeone else e"al%ates yo%, it7s howyo% think they e"al%ate yo% for goo# or ba# that co%nts. These other persons ha"e

becoe yo%r ental spectators, b%t yo% still carry on #ialog%e with the as tho%ghthey were stan#ing right in front of yo%. In#ee#, yo% often see yo%rself interactingwith the. oeties yo% yo%rself are the a%#ience listening to what yo% thin) theyare saying abo%t yo%. !t other ties yo% entally rehearse either what yo% wish yo%

ha# sai# to a real spectator the last tie yo% two were together, or what yo% want tosay the ne4t tie yo% eet.1ontrolling the Tho%ghts, 'eelings, Beha"iors 1onnectionHow yo%r ental spectators affect yo%r selfconcept is not a atter of agic.

Rather, it #epen#s on the tight lin)age of yo%r tho%ghts, feelings, an# beha"iors.Reeber fro 1hapter C that any acti"ity in one infl%ences the other two. 1onsi#erthe feelings that arise fro yo%r interactions with yo%r ental spectators. Theeotions yo% feel can range fro generally goo# an# ba# Awhat psychologists callaffect; to specific eotions, incl%#ing anger, fear, sorrow, #isg%st, an# >oy. -o%rtho%ghts + how yo% percei"e e"al%ations by yo%r ental spectators + #irectly affectyo%r feelings, an# yo%r feelings #irectly affect yo%r beha"iors. -o%r beha"iors, in

t%rn, infl%ence yo%r tho%ghts an# feelings. This can anifest itself in either a positi"ecycle or a negati"e cycle. If positi"e cycles are characteristic of yo%, then yo%r

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e"al%ations of yo%rself will be positi"e. Therefore, yo% will ha"e a positi"e selfconcept. The opposite is tr%e if negati"e cycles are yo%r nor. To ill%strate, consi#erthe following scenarios:

cenario C: -o% thin) that yo%r social cl%b ebers e"al%ate yo% positi"ely. Infact, they consi#er yo% charing an# witty. -o% feel goo# abo%t that, an# when yo%

show %p at the ne4t eeting, yo%r beha"ior reflects yo%r char an# wittiness. -o%rbeha"ior at this eeting contin%es to reinforce yo%r percei"e# positi"e e"al%ations ofyo%r fellows, an#, in t%rn, yo% feel e"en better, an# so on. ! cycle is operating.Howe"er, if yo% are not aware of what is ta)ing place, the cycle can be s%##enlytransfore# + an# in a #irection yo% ight not li)e, as in the ne4t scenario.

cenario 2: D%ring the ne4t eeting yo% approach the cl%b presi#ent, ?s.Hearright, fro her left si#e an# yo% a)e an a%sing rear) to her. ?s. Hearrightshows no reaction to yo%r witticis. In fact, she #oesn7t e"en ac)nowle#ge that yo%are ali"e. Instea#, she wal)s off to engage in frien#ly con"ersation with se"eral other

people. -o% feel terrible. !n# now, yo%r beha"ior changes. -o% start with#rawingfro the other cl%b ebers, which changes their beha"ior towar# yo%. -o% lea"e

the eeting with yo%r ental spectators gi"ing yo% two th%bs #own, an# an entirely#ifferent cycle begins.

In the first scenario, yo% are in a positi"e cycle of tho%ghts, feelings, an#beha"iors. !n# yo%r selfconcept is "ery positi"e. In the secon# scenario, yo% are in anegati"e cycle. -o%r selfconcept s%ffers. -o% are soewhat of a robot, sla"ishlyfollowing yo%r ental spectators. !n# that is a central problem in humanrelationships. /nce yo% %n#erstan# that yo% can r%le yo%r spectators, real or ental,yo% begin to ta)e coan# of yo%r tho%ghtsfeelingsbeha"iors cycles an#conse5%ently of yo%r selfconcept. It follows that yo%r relationships will ipro"e. The)ey is yo%r awareness of the ie#iate sit%ation, an# yo%r ability to aintain yo%rown positi"e selfconcept o"er tie. 1onsi#er the following "ariation of cenario 2:

cenario : If instea# of with#rawing beca%se of the apparent sn%b by ?s.Hearright, yo% approach her a secon# tie, face her, an# as), !re yo% %pset abo%tsoething, ?s. Hearright9; he answers, $o, whate"er a#e yo% as) that9; 6henyo% tell her, she la%ghs an# e4plains that she has not been able to hear with her leftear for years, an# she wo%l# certainly #o nothing to belittle yo%.

By being aware that yo% can coan# the sit%ation, an# then by ta)ing action,yo% ha"e preser"e# yo%r positi"e cycle. -o% ha"e not allowe# soeone else to #eci#eyo%r selfconcept. !n# yo% can #o that e"en in stic)y sit%ations + as in the ne4tscenario:

cenario E: %ppose now that ?s. Hearright can hear fro her left ear, b%t ha#

t%rne# a col# sho%l#er to yo% anyway. Then, after yo% approach her face on, she peers#own her regal bea) an# e4plains that soeone tol# her yo% #i# not li)e the way shewas #irecting the cl%b. -o% co%l# still contin%e to coan# the sit%ation by saying,6ell, there ight be one iss%e where yo% an# I ha"e to agree to #isagree, b%t Icertainly #on7t want s%ch a sall atter to har o%r frien#ship.; By ta)ing coan#,yo% are ass%ing an acti"e role in foring the relationship, an# that is always betterthan sla"ishly following whate"er happens to yo%. B%t, yo% ight as), what if theworst happens when I approach the cl%b presi#ent9 Rea# on:

cenario F: ?s. Hearright s5%aw)s, If we can7t agree on that, we can7t agree onanything. I #on7t li)e yo%, I #on7t li)e yo%r )i#s. Hell, I #on7t e"en li)e yo%r cat;That7s o)ay,; yo% thin) to yo%rself, I7# %ch rather )now who y eneies are.;

$ow yo% #eci#e to r%n against her in the ne4t election or else s%pport another

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can#i#ate ore to yo%r li)ing. !n# while yo%7re at it, yo% a)e plans to sen# her a FQ J photo of yo%r cat.

The ain point is yo% ha"e not allowe# one inci#ent, beg%n by a sole spectator, to#aage yo%r selfconcept an# ca%se yo% to perfor negati"e beha"iors + li)ewith#rawing fro the other cl%b ebers yo% #o get along with. I can7t

o"erephasi&e this point: they, who control yo%r self concept, control yo%. If yo% arecon"ince# that yo%7re not a "al%able person, then how can yo% e"en hope to ta)ecoan# of yo%r life9 Thin) abo%t the fi"e scenarios for a oent. Place yo%rself ineach scenario an# as) yo%rself if yo% wo%l# beha"e the sae way with the ?s.Hearright in yo%r life. Do yo% see yo%rself as beha"ing in the anner of cenario 29/r wo%l# yo% beha"e in another negati"e anner, s%ch as losing yo%r teper an#a)ing a scene9 /r whining9 /r crying9 If so, yo% ha"e a selfconcept proble.

! negati"e selfconcept lea"es yo% in a wea) position. -o%, in essence, ha"enothing to bargain with. If, in y e4aple, yo% alrea#y belie"e yo% are not a "al%able

person, or if yo% allow ?s. Hearright to con"ince yo% that yo% are %nworthy, then?s. Hearright will r%le e"ery interaction yo% e"er ha"e with her. !n# life is f%ll of

?s. Hearrights he can be >%st abo%t anybo#y, b%t ost li)ely she7s soeone Aorany soeones close to yo%. Reeber fro the abo"e list of so%rces of selfconcept that reflecte# >%#gents ha"e greater infl%ence on %s if we highly "al%e the

person we percei"e as >%#ging %s.I7ll #eal ore with who infl%ences yo% in 1hapter E, b%t for now, I want to help

yo% %n#erstan# what yo%r lifestyle tells abo%t yo%.ifestyle Tells the tory!n honest e"al%ation of yo%r present lifestyle is critical for %n#erstan#ing yo%rself

an# ha"ing s%ccessf%l relationships. If yo% ha"e a strong, positi"e selfconcept,chances are yo% ha"e coan# of yo%r life right now. This is not to say yo% won7tstill ha"e %ps an# #owns, b%t each %p or #own will be ta)en in stri#e. !n#, if that7s thecase, yo%7re probably rea#ing this boo) either to #isco"er new ways to contin%eipro"ing yo%r life, or, perhaps, to fin# soe eans to help soeone yo% care abo%twho is ha"ing #iffic%lties. If yo%7re one of the e"ersoany people whose selfconcept nee#s shoring %p, then there are ways to #isco"er that, too. Reeber, selfawareness is an essential ingre#ient for selfipro"eent. !n# one of the best waysto e4aine yo%rself is to ta)e an honest, co%rageo%s loo) at yo%r lifestyle.

1ertain lifestyle effects show %p again an# again aong people who are ha"ing#iffic%lty #ealing with their probles. !s I see it, three ain probles e4ist, each ofwhich can be #isplaye# in a n%ber of ways. Below, I ha"e n%bere# the threecentral probles. n#erneath each are the ways the proble is typically #isplaye#.

Co&&o$ Ne"ati2e Li(et!le E((ectC. ?y Personal Barriers.Displaye# as:

a. !lone an# lonely : -o% feel isolate# fro others an# yo% ha"e a real sensethat they a"oi# yo%.

b. Being a #oorat : /ther people see to control yo%. 'or whate"er reason,yo% ha"e little or no personal coan#. /ften #oorats; are >ealo%s ofothers who see to be in control an# ha"e things going their way.;

c. trong, silent, an# stresse# : ?any, any en an# a growing n%ber ofwoen fall into this category. -o% are %nrealistically selfreliant, yo%coplain little, b%t yo% #o s%ffer the effects of stress.

#. i"ing a lie : -o% ha"e s%ch a fear of re>ection that yo% create a fictionalself to hi#e behin#.

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e. Downwar# obility : 'eelings of incopetence lie at the heart of yo%rlifestyle. -o% can7t see to #o anything right, an# yo% are sin)ing #eeperan# #eeper. It7s not %n%s%al for yo% to feel >ealo%s of people yo% see asore copetent.

ATypically, two or ore of these #isplays appear in the sae in#i"i#%al who is

s%ffering fro personal barriers. 'or e4aple, a person with a powerf%l fear ofre>ection Ai"ing a lie probably also feels incre#ibly incopetent ADownwar#obility, an# en#s o%t being isolate# fro an# a"oi#e# by others A!lone an# lonely.

C. ?y (otional Roller 1oaster.Displaye# as:

a. Depression: -o% feel selfpity to the point of iobility. !t its worst, yo%are fro&en in place.;

b. (%phoria : This is often the flip si#e of #epression, where yo% fantasi&e thatlife right now is soehow better than it really is, an# yo% present an%nrealistically happy face to others.

c. !nger: This eotion coes at a tie when yo% pro>ect yo%r own failings

onto other people.#. 'r%stration : -o% isco%nicate yo%r goals Ae"en to yo%rself, an# yo%

becoe conf%se# an# #isappointe# when yo% #on7t achie"e those goals.e. (scapis : This #isplay coes in inn%erable fors. -o% ay be in"ol"e#

in s%bstance ab%se, gabling with oney yo% can7t affor# to lose, #ri"ingrec)lessly, ha"ing %nprotecte# se4, or engaging in co%ntless other ris)y

beha"iors.AIt7s fairly easy to see how any of these #isplays can lea# to any other. /ften, they

are all, at one tie or another, #isplaye# by the sae person.. 6here is e"eryone9Displaye# as

a. osing frien#s : 'or soe reason one frien# an# then another #rops o%t ofyo%r life.

b. 'aily conflicts : -o% can7t see to be aro%n# faily ebers witho%tbic)ering or slighting each other.

c. 3ossip : Despite yo%rself, yo% can*t refrain fro ba#o%thing other peoplebehin# their bac)s.

#. ac) of cre#ibility : People Aor at least few people #on*t tr%st yo% orbelie"e yo%.

e. Being ta)en for grante# : -o%r #esires an# opinions are not ta)en serio%slyby those aro%n# yo%.

AIf any of these #isplays are occ%rring in yo%r life, a proble e4ists. !n# if yo%7reblaing the proble on all the other people in"ol"e#, then yo% probably are not facing reality.

-o% can see that st%#ying yo%r lifestyle #isplays will allow yo% to i#entify how%n#erlying concerns, li)e those yo% liste# in 6or)shop C, can affect yo%r general

pattern of beha"ior. ?oreo"er, e"en if yo% co%l# not thin) of a single concern to write#own in 6or)shop C, a st%#y of yo%r lifestyle #isplays can alert yo% to the fact thatyo% nee# to go bac) an# reconsi#er. If any of yo%r #isplays atches any of the #is

plays in the list, there %st be soe %n#erlying proble ca%sing it.The iportance of #isco"ering the so%rce of s%ch probles cannot be o"erstate#.

The negati"e lifestyle effects I ha"e #efine# are associate# with se"ere stress, an# a

large bo#y of scientific research lin)s stress to n%ero%s health probles as well asris)y beha"ioral patterns.

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I a rein#e# of a scene fro the o"ie, Planes, rains, and !utomobiles,starring the coe#ians te"e ?artin an# Kohn 1an#y, in which the two are cr%isingthe wrong #irection on an interstate highway. They are con"ince# that a #ri"er acrossthe e#ian, who is tra"eling in the sae #irection as they are Aan# is frantically tryingto signal the to t%rn their car aro%n#, is #ea# #r%n) beca%se, to the, it is he who is

#ri"ing the wrong way. They la%gh an# po)e f%n at the other #ri"er %ntil they fin#thesel"es staring into the hea#lights of two bigrig tr%c)s roaring hea#on at the.

Ha# the ?artin an# 1an#y characters pai# serio%s attention to the #isplays of theother #ri"er an# to the fact that no highway signs on their si#e of the roa# were facingtheir way, they wo%l# ha"e concl%#e# that they ha# an %n#erlying proble long

before the tr%c)s bore #own on the. /f co%rse, the scene wo%l#n7t ha"e been f%nnyan# wo%l# ha"e been left on the c%tting roo floor. In real life, howe"er, it7s a goo#thing to st%#y the #isplays that re"eal %n#erlying probles before yo% get bigrigge#.

I want to ephasi&e that anyone can #isplay any of these lifestyle effects at anytie. If one occ%rs only occasionally, then it sho%l# be consi#ere# a signal to stop an#consi#er what is ca%sing it so yo% can pre"ent it fro becoing a real proble. If one

or ore ha"e alrea#y becoe probles in yo%r life + if these #isplays are coingbetween yo% an# soeone or soething iportant + then it is essential that yo% stopan# e4aine the root ca%ses of the proble. These negati"e lifestyle effects are

barriers to co%nication. !n# if yo% can7t co%nicate, yo% can7t get in coan#.-o%r relationships s%ffer an# yo%r selfconcept goes into a tailspin. !s in 1hapter 2, Iwill now intro#%ce yo% to two characters to ill%strate this proble. $otice how theircoplaints fit into the abo"e list.

1ase Report : Donna!t EO, Donna was arrie# for 2 years an# ha# two grown chil#ren. Di"orce# for

fo%r years, she felt %n5%alifie# for eployent, too ol# an# incopetent to go bac) to

school, an# too o"erweight an# %nappealing to attract a new h%sban#. he wasfre5%ently #epresse#, resente# her e4h%sban#7s rearriage, his contin%e# financials%ccess, an# their chil#ren7s lac) of copassion for her. Her #a%ghters7 closeness totheir father was another so%rce of irritation. he coplaine# that no one wante# to bearo%n# her, an# she constantly worrie# an# frette# abo%t ha"ing to ta)e care of herliite# finances. he tho%ght that none of her frien#s or her chil#ren %n#erstoo# howab%se# an# istreate# she ha# been, an# that they were all insensiti"e to her nee#san# her #epression.

et*s e4aine her proble for negati"e lifestyle effects. Donna felt %n5%alifie#for eployent, too ol# an# incopetent to go bac) to school AC.e: Downwar#obility. he was fre5%ently #epresse# A2.a: Depression, resente# her e4h%sban#7s

rearriage an# his contin%e# financial s%ccess AC.e: Downwar# obility. hecoplaine# that no one wante# to be aro%n# her AC.a: !lone an# lonely. he tho%ghtthat none of her frien#s or her chil#ren %n#erstoo# how ab%se# an# istreate# she ha#

been an# that they were all insensiti"e to her nee#s an# her #epression A.#: Beingta)en for grante#. This bitterness alienate# other people A.a: osing frien#s, an# .b:'aily conflicts.

1ase Report E: Den&elDen&el, 2, was arrie# for fi"e years an# #i"orce# for two. He ha# twin si4

yearol# #a%ghters who li"e# with their other. !fter the #i"orce Den&el ha# se"eralroantic relationships, b%t each of his feale partners en#e# the relationship foranother an. Den&el was intelligent an# reasonably han#soe, an# other people

"iewe# hi as sensiti"e to their feelings. He was a s%ccessf%l "ice presi#ent of a localban). He ha# becoe istr%stf%l of woen, felt conf%se# an# "ictii&e#, an# was

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#efensi"e an# #epresse#. He was partic%larly h%rt that woen betraye# hi after hetrie# to be %n#erstan#ing, helpf%l, an# roantic.

!n# #i# he e"er ill%strate soe lifestyle effects He belie"e# that he ha# nopersonal control of his roantic relationships AC.b: Being a #oorat. His powerf%lfear of re>ection le# hi to beha"e with e4aggerate# char an# roanticis AC.#:

i"ing a lie. !ny new roantic relationships he trie# to establish s%ffere# fro his%nwarrante# #isplays of >ealo%sy, which cae abo%t by his feeling that he was beingta)en a#"antage of AC.b: Being a #oorat, while also being incopetent to #oanything abo%t it AC.e: Downwar# obility. /n top of it all, Den&el ref%se# tos%rren#er his anhoo# by tal)ing o%t his probles AC.1: trong, silent, an# stresse#.

Both Donna an# Den&el s%ffere# fro fail%res of co%nication. Those fail%resfro&e the o%t of ta)ing control. Den&el f%nctione# alost totally off hisinterpretation of his beha"iors."e was certain that he beha"e# roantically. "e wascertain that his #isplays of >ealo%sy were >%stifie#. "e was positi"e that n%ero%swoen ha# ta)en a#"antage of his sensiti"e an# roantic beha"ior, an# then betraye#hi. !n# he #i# not tal) o%t his probles to fin# o%t what was really at their roots.

Therefore, his ental spectators all spo)e fro his interpretation alone. (ach an#e"ery woan who left Den&el becae a ental spectator who tol# hi that he was as%c)er, that woen were not to be tr%ste#, an# that he wo%l# always s%ffer at theirhan#s. In short, Den&el too) e"ery past bro)en relationship along for the ri#e with anynew attepte# relationship. !n# all his past lo"ers were gi"ing hi th%bs #own.

$o won#er he co%l#n*t a)e a new relationship wor)Donna7s ental spectators were r%thless. he co%l#n*t #o anything right. 6ith her

ental spectators telling her she was ol#, fat, an# %nappealing an# that e"erybo#y elsewas soehow against her, what chance #i# she ha"e for a f%lfilling life9 $one, if sheco%l#n*t coe to ters with those spectators. B%t first, she nee#e# to be f%lly an#honestly aware of what was going on in her life. $egotiating fro ignorance #oes notwor) Honesty an# selfawareness always %st coe first.

6or)shop 2 becae Donna*s an# Den&el7s opport%nity to attept the honesty an#selfawareness they so ba#ly nee#e#. o rea# how they #i#. Then ta)e the ne4t stepyo%rself.

4OR7SHOP 86/RMH((T: !?P( Den&el;

C 6ith who #o yo% ha"e the ost relationship probles96oen I get serio%s abo%t.2 6hat #o yo% thin) ca%ses ost of the probles in yo%r relationships9I thin) I %st be too genero%s an# nice. B%t, aybe I as) for or e4pect too %ch

in wanting a tr%e, faithf%l woan. /r aybe I >%st pic) woen who are%ntr%stworthy.

How #o yo%r relationship probles affect yo%r tho%ghts abo%t yo%rself inother areas of yo%r #aily life9

I get along great with others N a s%ccessf%l in y wor). B%t, these probles #oa)e e ore aware of how other woen are acting N I try to fig%re o%t if they7# begoo# partners.

E How #o yo%r relationship probles affect yo%r beha"iors in other areas ofyo%r #aily life9

I try not to let the probles affect y beha"iors in other areas. ?aybe I #o ten# toe4press y roantic i#eas an# feelings to other woen for soe o%tsi#e "ali#ation.

F Describe two personal barriers that ca%se yo% probles in yo%r relationships:

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I thin) I worry too %ch soeties abo%t woen #%ping e, this a)es efeel too "%lnerable an# o%t of control in relationships.

G How #o these personal barriers affect the way others treat yo% in arelationship9

I7 not s%re, b%t I thin) woen thin) I7 a p%sho"er an# they try to anip%late

an# %se e %ntil they get what they want or nee# an# can o"e on to soebo#ybetter.

How #o these personal barriers affect the way yo% treat others in arelationship9

I get "ery istr%stf%l, b%t I also start trying too har# to gi"e the e"erything Ithin) they nee# or want.

J How #o these personal barriers affect the tho%ghts yo% ha"e abo%t yo%rself9I7"e starte# to thin) I7 a real s%c)er I always tho%ght I was a pretty goo# g%y,

b%t now I thin) woen %st not see e as %ch of a an.O 6hat )in#s of feelings #o yo% ha"e when these personal barriers ca%se

probles in yo%r relationships9

I feel crappy. I feel li)e I #on7t ha"e %ch control o"er y relationships N I feelfr%strate# an# #epresse# that I always e4pect an# #o en# %p losing what I want.

C0 How #o yo% feel abo%t the way others treat yo% in yo%r relationships9I feel a# as hell abo%t being %se#. I also feel betraye# by woen7s lies an#

preten#e# feelings.CC How #o yo% feel abo%t the way yo% treat others in yo%r relationships9Part of e feels goo# beca%se I treat the the way I want to be treate#. B%t, the

other part feels lo%sy for being so g%llible. I7# li)e to start treating the the way theytreat e.

C2 Describe what others thin) abo%t yo% as a relationship partner9I thin) woen thin) I7 wea) an# apparently not "ery e4citing as a partner. I

thin) they thin) I7 f%n an# easy to tal) with, b%t not as a an worth staying with.

4OR7SHOP 86/RMH((T: !?P( Donna;

C 6ith who #o yo% ha"e the ost relationship probles9?y #a%ghters an# what I tho%ght were y close frien#s.2 6hat #o yo% thin) ca%ses ost of the probles in yo%r relationships9I #on7t thin) people want to hear %npleasant things or the tr%th abo%t sa# or ba#

things. How #o yo%r relationship probles affect yo%r tho%ghts abo%t yo%rself in

other areas of yo%r #aily life9

Ha"ing these probles a)es e thin) soething is wrong with e. I spen# ostof y tie trying to fig%re o%t why I7 not li)eable or what I #o that7s so #istastef%lto people.

E How #o yo%r relationship probles affect yo%r beha"iors in other areas ofyo%r #aily life9

I en# %p acting li)e a herit. I get #efensi"e an# )eep trying to e4plain why I7 soh%rt, b%t nobo#y sees to hear e.

F Describe two personal barriers that ca%se yo% probles in yo%r relationships:6ell, I g%ess I #o ten# to isolate yself so I won7t get h%rt so %ch. B%t, also

beca%se I feel so fat, %gly an# st%pi#, I feel I can7t #o anything that7s iportant orinteresting to others.

G How #o these personal barriers affect the way others treat yo% in arelationship9

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/thers treat e li)e I7 cra&y or boring. B%t, they treat e nice at first N then,start a)ing e4c%ses to a"oi# e. ?y #a%ghters get a# at e N tell e to get a life.

How #o these personal barriers affect the way yo% treat others in arelationship9

I get #efensi"e an# treat others li)e eneies. I7 always afrai# they7re going to

start re>ecting e or p%tting e #own.J How #o these personal barriers affect the tho%ghts yo% ha"e abo%t yo%rself96ell, I thin) there %st be soething wrong with e. ?aybe I a st%pi#. I thin)

I7 not goo# at relating with others. I #on7t )now what others want, especially y#a%ghters.

O 6hat )in#s of feelings #o yo% ha"e when these personal barriers ca%seprobles in yo%r relationships9

I feel so lonely an# h%rt, b%t conf%se# too. I feel angry soeties that I ha"e to gothro%gh e"erything witho%t any sypathy or help.

C0 How #o yo% feel abo%t the way others treat yo% in yo%r relationships9I feel betraye# a lot by others. I feel really h%rt N angry that y own #a%ghters

#on7t care abo%t y probles.CC How #o yo% feel abo%t the way yo% treat others in yo%r relationships9I feel I treat others fairly an# with copassion %ntil they start treating e ba#ly. I

always treat others with respect an# show an interest in who they are N what they are#oing.

C2 Describe what others thin) abo%t yo% as a relationship partner9I thin) they thin) I7 boring an# a pain to be aro%n#. I thin) en thin) I7 too fat

an# ol# to e"en consi#er ha"ing as a relationship partner.

4OR7SHOP 8THI 6/RMH/P I '/R -/R P(R/$! B($('IT !$D IT I

I?P/RT!$T TH!T -/ H!8( TH( 1/R!3( T/ B( ! H/$(T !P/IB(. 6H($(8(R $(1(!R- P(!( R('(R T/ TH( !?P(PR/8ID(D T/ H(P -/ I$ !$6(RI$3 -/R /6$ @(TI/$.R(?(?B(R, THI I -/R /PP/RT$IT- T/ T!M( 1/??!$D !$DBR(!M THR/3H TH( P(R/$! B!RRI(R TH!T T!$D I$ TH( 6!-/' I?PR/8I$3 -/R I'(T-( !$D -/R R(!TI/$HIP. H!8( !TIT6/RMH((T:

C 6ith who #o yo% ha"e the ost relationship probles92 6hat #o yo% thin) ca%ses ost of the probles in yo%r relationships9 How #o yo%r relationship probles affect yo%r tho%ghts abo%t yo%rself in

other areas of yo%r #aily life9E How #o yo%r relationship probles affect yo%r beha"iors in other areas of

yo%r #aily life9F Describe two personal barriers that ca%se yo% probles in yo%r relationships:G How #o these personal barriers affect the way others treat yo% in a

relationship9 How #o these personal barriers affect the way yo% treat others in a

relationship9J How #o these personal barriers affect the tho%ghts yo% ha"e abo%t yo%rself9O 6hat )in#s of feelings #o yo% ha"e when these personal barriers ca%se

probles in yo%r relationships9

C0 How #o yo% feel abo%t the way others treat yo% in yo%r relationships9CC How #o yo% feel abo%t the way yo% treat others in yo%r relationships9

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C2 Describe what others thin) abo%t yo% as a relationship partner

SUGGESTE+ E9ERCISE 8ho%l# yo% choose to try this e4ercise, please reeber that this is for yo%r

benefit an# not to create any f%rther probles with yo%r relationships. Therefore,please be caref%l in yo%r selection of an interaction partner. 1H//( /?(/$(

-/ TRT !$D 6ITH 6H/? -/ '(( #$%& 1/?'/RT!B(.'( )(1H//( /?(/$( 6ITH 6H/? -/ !R( H!8I$3 PR/B(? 6ith this%n#erstoo#:

elect one an an# one woan yo% are close to an# as) each to #escribe yo% theway they thin) they act%ally see yo%, both goo# an# ba#. Howe"er, before yo% tal)with either, a)e a list of the ways yo% belie"e they will #escribe yo%. !fter yo% gettheir act%al #escriptions, a)e a coparison of the way they act%ally #escribe# yo%an# yo%r own list.

1hapter EE9PECTATIONS: 4HO,S IN CHARGE6

This ten#ency to pre>%#ge reality onthe basis of o%r e4pectations is oneof the ost iportant facts abo%t the h%an in#.

+Da"i# 3. ?yers.In 1hapter it becae clear that a negati"e selfconcept wea)ens yo%r chances

for ta)ing coan# of yo%r relationships. The less "al%able yo% belie