CCOU 201

CCOU 205: Forgiveness: Letting Go of the Past and Pain

Dr. Everett L. Worthington, Jr.

Course Description: Some people are enslaved to their past and pain and burn with anger, resentment, even bitterness. They just can’t seem to let go—can’t forgive. Although a challenging issue in everyday life, you will learn that forgiveness is essential in the healing process. Problems associated with the lack of forgiveness in our lives will be discussed and steps to let go of the past and pain associated with it will be outlined.

Learning Objectives: At the end of the lesson, you will be familiar with:

1. Unforgiveness and how it differs from forgiveness.

2. At least seven ways people can deal with unforgiveness other than forgiving.

3. At least three ways of forgiveness by emotional replacement.

4. The meaning of the acronym REACH and the pyramid model to reach forgiveness.

Introduction: Forgiveness is at the center of Christianity. Christians are forgiven sinners and are called—even commanded—to extend forgiveness to those whom they perceive to sin against them. This course will give you some understanding of forgiveness that stems from clinical research seasoned with an understanding of Biblical forgiveness.

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CCOU 201

CCOU 205:Forgiveness: Letting Go of the Past and Pain

Dr. Everett L. Worthington, Jr.

Forgiveness is at the heart of Christianity.

I. Biblical Mandates

A. Godly Forgiveness: God forgives if people confess and repent. God knows people’s hearts. He knows when they are wrong and when they are truly repentant.

B. Human Forgiveness: Different from Godly forgiveness. Humans are on an equal level with each other. Humans cannot demand that a person repent, because humans can’t be certain about the person’s motives or about ways that we sinfully deceive ourselves to self-justify ourselves. Therefore, the Bible is clear that we are to forgive—period. This is true in virtually all of the verses that deal with interpersonal forgiveness in the New Testament.

C. Instructor perspective: The view I will put forth of forgiveness is aimed at other-oriented forgiveness. That is an important difference from most of the psychology related books on forgiveness. These books take an approach that says, “Forgive because it will bless YOU. It will make you feel freer. It will make you happier. It will make you healthier.” I believe that forgiveness does all of those things, but I think we should forgive primarily because it blesses the one forgiven.

II. Definitions

A. Unforgiveness: cold emotions of resentment, bitterness, anger, hostility, and perhaps hatred that motivate people to seek revenge or avoid a person whom they perceive as having offended or harmed them.

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CCOU 201

B. Forgiveness: emotions of non-possessive love or compassion that reduce the cold emotions of unforgiveness, reduce the motivation to exact revenge or avoid a person, and promote a desire for conciliation or reconciliation, if doing so is safe, prudent, and possible.

C. Forgiveness is not:

1. Denying that a wrong occurred.

2. Calling wrong right (justification/rationalization).

1. Condoning (it doesn’t matter).

2. Pardoning or exonerating (I choose not to hold you accountable).

3. Excusing (there were a lot of good reasons).

4. Reconciling (restoring trust through trustworthy behavior).

D. People can get over unforgiveness many ways besides forgiving:

1. Seeing the books balanced.

2. Getting revenge.

3. Seeing the person get what they deserve.

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1. Believing that political or legal justice has been served.

E. Mental Changes:

1. Psychologically defending through denial or projection.

2. Forgetting

F. Letting go:

1. Deferring judgment to God

2. Forbearing

G. Doing something positive:

1. Forgiving

2. Working for social justice

III. Understanding Unforgiveness and Forgiveness.

A. Unforgiveness:

1. People perceive an event as a hurt or offense.

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1. People respond with fear or anger (or commonly, a mixture of both).

2. People ruminate about the event, aftermath, and consequences and perhaps engage in vengeful rumination.

3. People develop cold emotions of unforgiveness.

B. Forgiveness:

1. Positive emotions replace or attach to negative emotions of unforgiveness. Such an experience is possible because:

a. God intervenes sovereignly.

b. Personal prayer for the one who hurt or offended.

c. Events lead a person to experience such emotions in the presence of unforgiveness cues:

1). Reading a book or seeing a movie that precipitates an emotional experience, which gets attached to the unforgiveness event.

2). Being moved in worship or private devotions to forgive.

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CCOU 201

3). Having a person apologize for a wrong done to you, which softens your feelings, such as being reminded of your love for the person.

4). Experiencing an intervention in which a helper leads the person to events that focus their attention and emotions on forgiving.

d. People make willful decisions to forgive

e. People change their understanding of the situation.

f. People empathetically identify with the person who hurt them and humbly sense a kinship with the person, stimulating them to forgive.

IV. How Does a Lay Person Help Promote Forgiveness?

A. Types of Lay Helping:

1. Paraprofessional counseling (trained, specialized, often people who have experienced similar problems; i.e., 12-step counselors for alcohol, adult children of …alcoholics, drug addicts, over-eaters, etc.).

2. Lay counseling (church-based, trained counselors for emotional problems).

1. Spiritual or prayer counselors (gifted people with or without training who intervene to promote spiritual solutions for problems).

2. Friendship counseling (opportunistic counseling within a non-counseling relationship such as friendship, work, mentoring or discipleship).

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B. Change Occurs in Five Stages: We cannot convince or persuade people to change. The door to change is guarded by a person who opens the door from the inside. What can I do to help the person want to open the door?

1. Listening and understanding

2. Helping the person rethink the problem

1. Helping develop an action plan

2. Supporting change attempts

3. Following-up on change attempts

C. Pyramid Model to REACH Forgiveness:

1. R-Recall the hurt

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2. E-Empathize with the person who hurt you

3. A-Altruistic gift of forgiveness

4. C-Commit to forgive

5. H-Holding onto forgiveness

D. Promote Empathy

1. Write a letter as if you were the person who hurt you. Tell your thoughts, feelings, insight, and pressures.

2. Write a letter of apology, as if you were the person who hurt you. How hard is it to do this?

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E. Promoting the “Giving” of Forgiveness

1. Think of a time when you did something wrong (to someone else) and were forgiven.

2. Reflect on the wrongdoing and guilt. How did it feel to be forgiven?

3. Would you like to give that gift of forgiveness to the person who hurt you?

F. Encourage Commitment to Forgiveness

1. Write a certificate of forgiveness.

2. Write a letter of forgiveness, but do not send it.

A. Promote holding onto forgiveness when doubts arise.

Re-experiencing hurt or recalling an offense is not the same as forgiveness.

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B. Forgiveness is unique to the individual and even to some individual situations. The are no absolutes or formulas.

Sometimes God grants the ability to forgive instantly.Most of the time it takes longer—hours to days.

V. Conclusion:

A. Forgiveness is a gift from God to the forgiver.

B. Forgiveness is also a gift from the forgiver to the person who does not deserve the gift, but is given the gift of forgiveness anyway.

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CCOU 201

CCOU 205 Study Questions:

1. What is the definition of unforgiveness?

2. What is the definition of forgiveness? What are the five stages of helping as defined by Worthington.

3. What is the Pyramid Model to REACH forgiveness?

4. What is the source of forgiveness? What events or circumstances can trigger forgiveness and/or unforgiveness?

5. How can you help people stay committed to forgiveness?

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Soul Care Notes:

Matthew 18:21-35Matthew 6:12,14-5Mark 11:25 Luke 23:24Ephesians 4:2, 32Colossians 3:12-15

Bibliography/Reading List:

Carter, Les, and Frank Minirith. The Choosing to Forgive Workbook. Nashville, TN: Nelson Publishing, 1997.

McCullough, M.E., S.J. Sandage, and E.L. Worthington Jr. To Forgive is Human: How to Put Your Past in the Past. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1995.

Worthington, E.L. Jr., Editor. Dimensions of Forgiveness. Radnor, PA: Temple Foundation Press, 1998.

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