Kathrine Fraser www.lifecelebrations.co.nz Page 1 Celebrating A Birthday? – Ask A Celebrant! A paper developed for a presentation to the CANZ Conference: 'Face to Face’, Rotorua, July 2011. - by Kathrine Fraser This Conference paper has been adapted from the presentation being given at the conference with the intention of making the material accessible to those who can’t attend the session. Kathrine believes that celebrants have for too long allowed themselves to be defined by specific ceremonies that they offer, rather than be identified more generically as professionals with the skills to help people articulate the meaning of important occasions in life. Birthdays are an example of occasions that, for various reasons, do not live up to their potential. They are annual event for all of us, yet many people don’t celebrate in a way that affirms or inspires them. As celebrants, we are missing a vital opportunity to remedy this. We need to offer ourselves as a broad-ranging professional resource. This will enhance our profile and in turn build our celebrant practices whilst delivering a life-affirming service to individuals and their communities. Introduction Birthdays are joyous occasions spent celebrating with family or friends, enjoying all that we appreciate about our lives – right? Well actually, I‟ve met many people who admit to a certain ambivalence about celebrating their birthdays, and for many years I suffered the same affliction. Many people try to let their birthday slide by unnoticed or take direct action and deny the date altogether. Some peopl e don‟t like parties, but don‟t know what else to do, others dine out, but admit to a certain sense of deflation. What‟s at the bottom of this and can we as celebrants provide a solution? This paper traces my thinking on the subject and presents a case for celebrants broadening their focus. Perhaps Morris Berman in Coming to Our Senses – Body and Spirit in the Hidden History of the West identified a key issue when he said :”We have inherited a civilisation in which the things that really matter in human life exist at the margin of our culture.” Often so much energy is directed at the gift buying, what venue to use or food to serve, etc, that almost no thought is given to the meaning of the occasion in an emotional or spiritual sense. The Workshop Our session today opened with the raucous broadcast of Stevie Wonder‟s energetic version of “Happy Birthday to You”, symbolising a deviation from tradition. Participants were then asked to contribute their personal examples of “successful” birthdays. These are often events where others have had input into affirming who we are – it may be by giving us a gift we adore, but even that can only happen if the
Transcript
Kathrine Fraser www.lifecelebrations.co.nz Page 1
Celebrating A Birthday? – Ask A Celebrant!
A paper developed for a presentation to the CANZ Conference:
'Face to Face’, Rotorua, July 2011.
- by Kathrine Fraser
This Conference paper has been adapted from the presentation being given at the conference with
the intention of making the material accessible to those who can’t attend the session.
Kathrine believes that celebrants have for too long allowed themselves to be defined by specific
ceremonies that they offer, rather than be identified more generically as professionals with the skills
to help people articulate the meaning of important occasions in life. Birthdays are an example of
occasions that, for various reasons, do not live up to their potential. They are annual event for all of
us, yet many people don’t celebrate in a way that affirms or inspires them. As celebrants, we are
missing a vital opportunity to remedy this. We need to offer ourselves as a broad-ranging
professional resource. This will enhance our profile and in turn build our celebrant practices whilst
delivering a life-affirming service to individuals and their communities.
Introduction
Birthdays are joyous occasions spent celebrating with family or friends, enjoying all
that we appreciate about our lives – right? Well actually, I‟ve met many people who
admit to a certain ambivalence about celebrating their birthdays, and for many years
I suffered the same affliction. Many people try to let their birthday slide by unnoticed
or take direct action and deny the date altogether. Some people don‟t like parties,
but don‟t know what else to do, others dine out, but admit to a certain sense of
deflation. What‟s at the bottom of this and can we as celebrants provide a solution?
This paper traces my thinking on the subject and presents a case for celebrants
broadening their focus.
Perhaps Morris Berman in Coming to Our Senses – Body and Spirit in the Hidden
History of the West identified a key issue when he said :”We have inherited a
civilisation in which the things that really matter in human life exist at the margin of
our culture.” Often so much energy is directed at the gift buying, what venue to use
or food to serve, etc, that almost no thought is given to the meaning of the occasion
in an emotional or spiritual sense.
The Workshop
Our session today opened with the raucous broadcast of Stevie Wonder‟s energetic
version of “Happy Birthday to You”, symbolising a deviation from tradition.
Participants were then asked to contribute their personal examples of “successful”
birthdays. These are often events where others have had input into affirming who we
are – it may be by giving us a gift we adore, but even that can only happen if the
Kathrine Fraser www.lifecelebrations.co.nz Page 2
person focuses on who we are and what we like. This is a key we will return to later.
The other topics from the workshop are presented under the headings below.
Obstacles to Celebrating Birthdays
Small groups brainstormed the obstacles to celebrating which included:
don‟t want to organise for self
don‟t like parties – too noisy, alcohol, can‟t have decent conversation
other priorities
conflict with family
too busy – other things absorbing time
wrong time of year
postponed then never happened
hurt others‟ feelings if I didn‟t do what they want
don‟t like getting older
embarrassment/ fear of self-centredness
guilty about spending money on self
Milestone Birthdays Through the Ages*
Birth – Thanksgiving for safe arrival/welcome to new baby
1st Birthdays (often combined with naming/thanksgiving)
5th – starting school ceremony (for parents as well as for school starter)
7th (completing first cycle of 7)
10th – Double digits (see photo of 10 x 10 block quilt)
13th – entry to teenagehood (see photo of 13 lucky cats quilt)
14th – (completing second cycle of 7)
16th – driving – linked to safety and responsibility as well as freedom
18th – first „coming of age‟ from young person‟s viewpoint
20th – new 21
21st – traditional „coming-of-age‟ and completion third cycle of 7
24th – UN definition of adulthood
(Other milestones enter within this time frame also including changes in school, cultural
milestones, starting paid work, leaving home, setting out on OE, maybe parenthood)
Decade Birthdays (to be explored further in this paper)
*Note – some years may seem more significant than others but, in fact, any number will do
Kathrine Fraser www.lifecelebrations.co.nz Page 3
Illustrations of Quilts For Significant Birthdays
Figure 1: 10th Birthday Quilt made with 10 x 10 block pattern .
Figure 2: 13 Lucky Cats Quilt for entering teenagehood
Kathrine Fraser www.lifecelebrations.co.nz Page 4
Decade Birthdays in Adulthood My observation is that different decades tend to have specific energies –30 and 40 seem more boisterous and social, 50/60 tempts a challenge and a statement of individuality, 70 gratitude to others, 80+ historical reminiscing, although these are generalisations and it‟s important to help people tease out what seems most relevant to them. Some descriptions I‟ve enjoyed are:
“the life and soul of the party” – having an MG (Master/Mistress of Games)
“bringing spirit into life” – themes eg music/stories/scrapbooking
“the challenge element” – the cross-the-harbour swim; climbing mountains
“adventure before dementia” – planned holiday with family, friends or solo, but where there are activities that the person chooses to reflect their current interests.
Decade birthdays present a great opportunity for celebrants to be involved because:
These occasions are typically under-developed
Western civilisation has been identified as entering a period with a crisis of
meaning, and lacking in ritual and ceremony to consolidate meaning – a
birthday can be a focus for this
Decade birthdays provide a platform to look back on life and make choices for
the future
People are seeking (or need to be made aware of) creative ways to celebrate
We have a population bulge ( baby-boomers) in adulthood and ageing who
constitute a potential market for celebrants
Baby-boomers, free of some of the constraints of earlier life stages, have the
resources to pay a professional to help them design their birthday celebration
The skills that celebrants have are ideally suited to helping individuals review
their life stages, appreciate their key linkages to significant others, and
recognise the relevance of celebrating themselves.
Celebrants can create or hold the space within a larger event to ensure that
meaning is expressed appropriately. ie it isn‟t a case of a ceremony OR a
party… it can be BOTH if managed well.
Some Examples of Successful Decade Celebrations
If the celebratee has a particular interest, then this can be used as a focus for the
occasion, whether cars, cats or cookery. Here are some examples I‟ve participated
in:
50th Birthday for a Music-Lover
Guests were invited to bring along a piece of recorded music that reminded them of
the celebratee or a time spent with him. They were given the option of introducing
Kathrine Fraser www.lifecelebrations.co.nz Page 5
their chosen piece and explaining its significance. I divided the evening into 3
sections, each punctuated by a musical interlude. Virtually everyone chose to speak
and it was amazing how evocative of the eras the music was!
Birthday for a Patchworker
Each guest is requested to bring along a piece of fabric (specification can be given
for size, fabric type, colour-scheme) that will later be sewn into a commemorative
birthday quilt. One stunning example (see photo) was made from red and emerald
green fabrics themed around this poem:
“While we lie hidden in ourselves
a moment longer, two colours
light up a world within.
At first Chinese red
because we are happy,
and then emerald
the god-green of peace
that follows when you follow me
while my hands
wing their separate flights
along your gullies.”
– Meg Campbell
Meaning of Life Birthday
This was a relatively small birthday barbeque with the theme of the Meaning of Life based around Monty Python‟s poem ending: So just why, why are we here? And just what, what, what, what do we fear? Well çe soir, for a change, it will all be made clear, For this is the Meaning of Life - c'est le sens de la vie, This is the Meaning of Life. Refer to the Appendix for the invitation showing the request made of the guests. There are also some other examples just for the fun of it
Kathrine Fraser www.lifecelebrations.co.nz Page 6
An 80th for Someone Who Refused a Celebration of any Kind
This celebration was for my mother who vehemently declared there was nothing to
celebrate about “being ****** old”. It did require quite a long set-up phase. I secretly
raided her address book to get contact details for friends from well into the past.
Letters were sent to them asking for contributions of stories from a time they shared
with her. Some people wrote from their hearts about how they saw her and what she
had given them, others researched their archives and found photos and memorabilia
stretching back to primary school days! The result was an album containing a truly
eclectic mix of love and laughter. I completely underestimated the time it would take
to collate all the material into chronological order, so I recommend allowing a couple
of weeks leeway just for this step. When my mother was given the album on her
birthday, she was truly overwhelmed with humility at the lovely thoughts that had
been expressed. This was the biggest affirmation she had ever received and that
was certainly worth celebrating!
For the Scrapbooker
This celebratee had a passion for scrapbooking. We helped her write a letter
requesting people make a scrapbook page/s for her, ideally including a photo of
themselves. Materials were supplied on request and the resultant pages brought
along to a birthday dinner where the celebrant facilitated verbal contributions from
the guests as each of the pages was presented.
My Milestone Meditation
This celebration was designed as a solo pilgrimage for my 50th birthday. Originally I
had intended to celebrate my 49th birthday as the completion of my 7th 7-yr cycle, but
that date came and went unmarked. What it did do, however, was highlight that I
needed a more intentional process for 50. I also wanted to overcome some of the
historic obstacles that have plagued the celebration of my birthday. The first was the
fact that January is too conflicted with Christmas and summer holidays to be an easy
time for a celebration – I elected November as the time and planned to include some
poetry (I had bought Leunig‟s „When I Talk to You – a Cartoonist Talks to God” for
the purpose), some reflection time, some drawing, and I wanted a „challenge‟
element. Several challenge precedents had been set by friends who had, for
example, done the Cross-the-Harbour- Swim, climbed five mountain peaks etc. I
knew those wouldn‟t be my particular chosen challenges. [As an aside, recently I
read an article about Martin Crowe returning to test cricket. He sees 50 on the
horizon and has set himself the challenge of reaching 20,000 runs by that milestone
birthday (only 392 to go) – so it really seems that there is some target that 50 brings
up for us]
Kathrine Fraser www.lifecelebrations.co.nz Page 7
Returning to my Milestone Meditation, I had also written to some friends
from various eras and asked them to write me a letter reflecting something
about me or some advice I needed before I turned 50. I struggled with the
wording of the letter and wondered if the concept was too off-the-wall to
get a favourable reception, but I pressed on with it. I‟m happy to say, most
people were only too willing to contribute. But things got even more
interesting …. the challenge that I had hoped to include presented itself
fortuitously and coincided with the exact dates that I had arbitrarily chosen
for November.
The Auckland Art Gallery, prior to its closure for refurbishment, offered a
one-off opportunity in November to purchase a 1metre space on the
Gallery wall on which to paint an original artwork. This fitted my challenge
specification perfectly and to top it off, the exhibition was called the “Off-
the-Wall Exhibition”! . Over that week I interwove poetry, reflection time,
reading letters from friends and a painting process to explore my various
life stages. Each day I arrived fresh with paint and brushes and painted on
top of the previous day‟s work - whatever was uppermost in my
consciousness. An interesting interplay evolved between my painting and
my reading/reflection. As you can see from the adjacent photos, each day
yielded startling changes referencing a journey as spiritual as it was visual.
This experience led to me making a commitment to a decade of creative
expression, including writing songs and stories, but beginning firstly with
painting. I have been fortunate to be inspired and upskilled by both
wonderful teachers and evolving fellow artists. I enjoy creating art that tells
stories and this has further inspired a link through to my celebrant work.
Life Celebrations now offers a similar guided „creative pilgrimage‟ for people wanting a uniquely personal way to mark a milestone in their life, be that a significant birthday or a transition of some kind. If you might like to participate, do contact me to lodge your no-obligation expression of interest. This is suitable for all, from novice to natural artist!
Day 1
Day 2
Day 4
Day 3
Kathrine Fraser www.lifecelebrations.co.nz Page 8
Secrets of a Successful Birthday
If we, as celebrants are going to offer creating a birthday “focus” as a professional
service, what is the key to making these celebrations
successful. Here are my thoughts:
When possible, start the planning early. Resistances can be buried deep and
some designs take time to implement eg getting letters
Don‟t be shy about offering your services - people may not realise how we
can help – make a tangible offer eg “would you like me to MC a birthday focus
for you to provide a framework for others to contribute?”
Encourage the celebratee to tell you some stories about themselves – this
starts the process of self-reflection and may reveal an appropriate theme
Build on their ideas
Help the celebratee to reflect on who they are in their own eyes
If appropriate, find ways to involve others in expressions of affirmation to
reveal how others see them.
Don‟t take people by surprise – if you want verbal contributions in public from
guests, they need time to gather their thoughts. Giving people an object to
hang their ideas on can help eg bring an item from nature that says something
about X.
Keep the overall purpose in sight – This is an affirming occasion which is
quite rightly “all about me” for the celebrate - „Who am I at this stage in my
life?‟ If the celebratee can answer this question after the event then they will
have been truly celebrated!
Do Birthdays Fit My Celebrant Portfolio?
REWARDS RISKS of Not Broadening Services
New frontier -increase public awareness of
celebrant skills Stay marginalised
Contribute to individuals, society and families Under Paid
Build celebrant businesses Attrition of celebrants
At leading edge of societal
change/enhancement
Initial idea may not work but you will learn
from it
Make celebrants more mainstream/relevant Stagnation
Build professional identity (who to go to
when something impt is happening)
General irrelevance to modern society (and
sadly to their loss!)
Birthdays are God’s way of telling us to hold more ceremonies!
Kathrine Fraser www.lifecelebrations.co.nz Page 9
Appendices
This section contains example invitations and letters from various significant birthday
celebrations and a selection of reading relating to birthdays and ageing. Feel free to
adapt these for birthdays you become involved with.
A Personal Request
If you do try something new in your celebrant practice, or put yourself „out there‟ with
a new offer, please share your experience with other members of CANZ through
Panui, Branch meetings/newsletters, peer study groups or the webpage. We are a
group of creative leading-edge celebrants and there will be no stopping us if we join
together to share, learn and grow - NZ society will benefit, of this I am sure!
“I planted a ripe seed, and it split, and where it had been a green sprout appeared; but the seed disintegrated.
The green sprout grew, a thing of beauty, sent down roots, sent out leaves, budded, flowered, bore fruit, decayed and was itself a withered thing. I could not even keep the ripe seed.
Each in its time had its own peculiar beauty. All things change; nothing remains the same.
So, each in its time, each life in its every moment – the baby, the child, the youth, the lover, the parent, the person at mid-life, the aged – is at its ultimate state in each moment and passes on.
Pluck this moment as you would a precious flower; share it as if it were love, and let it go. Beauty and wonder lie all about you even now; they too, even as you, are never final,
but always in process of being and becoming. Take, then, each moment as the perfect gift of life, knowing that you shall no more be able to hold it as it is, than what is already past.
Even as you let go, another and yet different moment comes …
From “Great Occasions – Readings for the Celebration of Birth, Coming-of-Age, Marriage, and Death”, ed. Carl Seaburg, Skinner
RSVP: Tick the appropriate box(es) below and return to me by…. ..
/at…
YOUR FULL NAME PRINTED IN CAPITALS:…………………………………………………………………………….
Accept Decline
I accept with considerable misgiving I decline with unrestrained pleasure
I require further supporting evidence as your suggested years are not in keeping with your level of maturity
I was so distressed at my own fortieth birthday that I can see no benefit in witnessing another’s suffering. Take heart old cock
I shall come only if the food has improved I haven’t seen you in years and now realise that this was no mistake as I have regained good health and peace of mind
I was offended by you on our last meeting and now welcome the opportunity to even the score
With your youth and gorgeous looks I cannot believe you have attained that sepulchral age and I believe this invitation to be in jest. Thanks for the laugh
I would consider attending but strictly on a guest pre-approval basis - please forward a copy of your guest list
I recall distinctly that you celebrated this birthday on a previous occasion and I regard this invitation as the means by which you hope to extract another wildly expensive present from me
I always enjoy attending your birthday party as it constantly reminds me of my own youth
I cannot imagine why you have invited me - if it weren’t for Alex’s daughter’s friend, Kim, always talking about you, I would never have heard of you
Are you able to come? (Please circle your reply) Yes No What are the absolutely best reasons you can provide concerning the advantages & positive features of attaining and celebrating 40 yrs of age? * 1. 2. 3.
(Feel free to attach extra paper if required…) * The persuasiveness of your suggestions may determine whether I attend! * WARNING: Your suggestions may be displayed on the night.
From Clarissa Pinkola Estes – “Women who Run with the Wolves – Contacting
the Power of the Wild Woman”, Publ. Rider 1992
Clarissa Pinkola Estes talks about a woman‟s life being divided into phases of seven years, each seven year phase standing for a certain set of experiences and learning. These help us understand our spiritual as well as our chronological journey. The ages and stages of a woman‟s life provide both tasks to accomplish and attitudes in which to root ourselves. The seven year cycles are metaphors for stages of growth. They are not meant to be hierarchical, but simply belong to women‟s consciousness and to the increase of their soul-lives. Each age represents a change in attitude, a change in tasking, and a change in values.
0 – 7 age of the body and dreaming/socialisation, yet retaining imagination
7 – 14 age of separating yet weaving together reason and the imaginal
14 – 21 age of new body / young maidenhood / unfurling yet protecting sensuality
21 – 28 age of new world / new life / exploring the worlds
28 – 35 age of the mother / learning to mother others and self
35 – 42 age of the seeker / learning to mother self / seeking the self
42 – 49 age of the early crone / finding the far encampment / giving courage to others
49 – 56 age of the underworld / learning the words and rites
56 – 63 age of choice / choosing one‟s world and the work yet to be done
63 – 70 age of becoming watchwoman / recasting all one has learned
70 – 77 age of reyouthanisation / more cronedom
77 – 84 age of the mist beings / finding more big in the small
84 – 91 age of weaving with the scarlet thread / understanding the weaving of life
91 – 98 age of the ethereal / less to saying, more to being
98 – 105 age of pneuma, the breath
105+ age of timelessness
Maya Angelou said this: "I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow." "I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights." "I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life." "I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'."
"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance." "I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back." "I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. "I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one." "I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back." "I've learned that I still have a lot to learn." "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
George Carlin's Views on Aging Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. 'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 9 0s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.' Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!' May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age , weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.' 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning.Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen.Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away
“It is often said that love makes the world go round.
However, without doubt, it is friendship which keeps our spinning existence on an even keel.
True friendship provides so many of the essentials for a happy life – it is the foundation on which to build an enduring relationship, it is the mortar which bonds us together in harmony,
and it is the calm, warm protection we sometimes need when the world outside seems cold and chaotic.
True friendship holds a mirror to our foibles and failings, without destroying our sense of worthiness.
True friendship nurtures our hopes, supports us in our disappointments, and encourages us to grow to our best potential.”
“Friends are the repository of memory, the guardians of the treasures of our past… Friends guard our gems in a hidden vault and hand them back when we are in need. They hold the wine-filled cup from our times of triumph and offer it back when we are parched. They release the song we’ve lost, to coax our ears open when we have become deaf to our own music”.
Weighing Up the Heart by Wellington poet, Jenny Bornholdt
Always, there are our hearts to consider They are most precious to us. The heart is a means of description. It will locate the sentiment. Speak up small red thing. The heart is the deciding factor. Wave your arms around see the sky bloom. The heart lives as a steady witness within the body. We would hope for a rigorous sympathy for the heart to remember the reliable place in which it dwelled. Always refer back to the heart. It is where the world began.
