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Domestic Violencein Affluent Communities
WOMENOF MEANSESCAPE NETWORK, SiliconValley
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Resources
Personal
Therapeutic
Legal
Financial
Vocational
Educational
W.O.M.E.N.~SV’ s mission:
We support and empower all women in their struggle to free themselves from domestic violence
We address the specific challenges of professional and upper-income women through a network of resources
Website: www.losaltoscf.org/womensvEmail: [email protected]: 650-996-2200
Women-of-Means Escape Network~ Silicon Valley
WOMEN~SV is an official program
of:Los Altos Community Foundation
Next Door Solutions
24-hour HotlineDV advocatesLegal advocatesSupport groupsSelf-sufficiency
training
Agenda• Assessment
• Statistics
• What is Domestic Violence?
• The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children
• Domestic Violence in the Affluent Community
• Barriers to Leaving
• Resources and Directory—Susan’s Story
• Questions
• Evaluations
Statistics
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1 in 4 women is a DV victim
85-95 percent of DV victims are women
“The prevalence is very high in educated, employed U.S . Women”2
“IPV affects the entire population, not just certain subgroups .” It cuts across all socioeconomic groups3
1 Office of the District Attorney, Santa Clara County, 2 Robert S. Thompson, M.D., of the Group Health Center for Health Studies, June 2006 issue, American Journal of Preventive Medicine. 3 Phil Hammer, esq.
The hidden epidemic…
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What is Domestic Violence?
The intentional and consistent use of power to control an intimate partner through means such as physical, verbal, sexual and financial attacks.1
Includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound their partner2—or someone their partner loves3.1 CORA2 U.S. Department of Justice3 Rolanda Pierre-Dixon
• the most harmful form of abuse.
• The emotional scars from this kind of abuse can last a lifetime.
constant criticism
threats diminishing her
abilities name-calling damaging her
relationship with her children
The main form of abuse in affluent communities is…
Emotional:
10
A pattern emerges.A cycle…
Except, according to Susan Weitzman, Ph.D, affluent men tend to skip the
apologies.
11Asian & Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence; Web: www.apiahf.org/apidvinstitute
… as the cycle becomes a downward spiral
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P
O
WE
R
C
O
NT
RO
L
What’s it all about? Power and Control
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A pattern of “coercive control”
Tactics used to gain control over her:• Show of Violence
• Intimidation
• Isolation
• Degradation
• Barring access to resources
• Undermining her autonomy
• Micromanaging and invading her personal space
Coercive Control: how men entrap women in personal life by Evan Stark, 2007
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• Inducing exhaustion
• Occasional indulgences
• Threats
• Demonstrating omnipotence
• Enforcing trivial demands
Ohio Domestic Violence Network Information is Power sourcebook—www.odvn.org—developed from Biderman’s Chart of Coercion in Amnesty International (1975) report on torture
Coercive Control
“Death by a thousand cuts.”
These tactics are ongoing and cumulative. They wear her down over time, corrode her self-esteem, her sense of self, wholeness, and independence. They are the same kind of tactics used to wear down prisoners of war.Coercive Control by Evan Stark, 2007
The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children
The damage to children
• DV harms brain development, impairs cognitive and sensory growth
• More health problems, poorer school performance, and more behavioral disturbances
• Nearly 2/3 of all homicides committed by young men under age 20 are sons killing the man who has beaten their mother.
http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/userfiles/file/Children_and_Families/Children.pdf
And when they grow up…
• Increased risk of autoimmune disease
• higher risk for tobacco use, substance abuse, unintended pregnancy, obesity, cancer, heart disease, stroke, PTSD
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
1 in 3 abused children grows up to become an abuser or victimhttp://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/facts.htm
Domestic Violence in the Affluent Community
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Even in “nice” neighborhoods…
There is a general perception that:
• Domestic violence doesn’t happen here.
• She has all the resources she needs to deal with it.
Not to People like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, Susan Weitzman, Ph.D., 2001
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The problem with money…
“The distribution of money within abusive relationships is sharply skewed in the man’s favor, a condition that puts millions of women in affluent homes at enormous disadvantage in divorces cases or custody disputes.”
Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life , Evan Stark, Oxford University Press, 2007
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• Thwart the woman’s escape
• Reach an unfair settlement
• Take custody of the children
• Find her when she escapes
• Use the legal system and high-powered attorneys to continue the abuse
Affluent abusers often control the finances and have more resources at
their disposal to:
23
Affluent abusers use their public
image to deny, ignore, and cover
up their abuse…
…but it’s getting harder!
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In upscale Marin and
Sonoma Counties…• "I represent an affluent
district, but when I worked to form my county's first battered-women's shelter, some nights there were no beds left.”
• “Violence against women crosses all economic lines.” -- Representative Lynn Woolsey of California
16 DV Deaths in 2011
• Last year, in Santa Clara County, the number of domestic- violence-related deaths in Santa Clara County tripled from 5 (in 2010) to 16.1
• Most of these deaths occurred in more affluent areas.2
• On average, over one murder per month
2 Kathleen Krenek, Executive Director, Next Door Solutions to Community Violence.Personal Interview, 10-3-2011
1 Santa Clara County Public Health Dept
Barriers to Leaving
Barriers to Leaving
• Economic dependence
• Parenting concerns
• Low Self-esteem
• Guilt and self-blame
• Partner’s Social Status
• Immigrant Status
• Shame & Embarrassment
• Coercive control*
• Isolation
• Lack of Resources
• Loss of friends, current schools, lifestyle
• Attitudes/pressure (Society, Religion, culture, family)
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Challenges for affluent women
Social stigma Lack of social support Lack of programs for women
in affluent neighborhoods Lack of connections, social
resources (stay at home mom, isolation) vs partner’s
Who will believe her? Partner’s public image/career
may be ruined if truth comes out
Vengeance
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Risks:That the threats to kill her or her
family may become a reality• Losing her children, her
reputation, her home, her social standing, her lifestyle, her life savings
• Being stalked, harassed, bullied, injured, killed
• If she files a restraining order against him, it may cost her abuser his job and there goes all the support she was needing.
• The unknown…
Risks…
Leaving
• On average, a person in an abusive relationship will make 8-10 attempts to leave
• Important to understand how leaving can impact a person’s safety
• A woman should never tell her abusive partner she is planning to leave him—puts her life at risk
• 90 per cent of women who are killed by their intimate partner are killed AFTER they leave.1
1 Kathleen Krenek, Executive Director, Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence
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The more educated the
abuser, the more subtle
the threat can be…
But just as terrifying…What the Silicon Valley surgeon told his wife
Challenges in our hi-tech area:
• Partner’s technical expertise
Hidden camera-------
Hidden
camera
Hidden
cam
era
Smartphone Surveillance GPS tracking device
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• Finding a lawyer with experience in the field of domestic violence
• “Lawyers should not be seduced into thinking that because their clients drive expensive cars and live within prominent zip codes that they are immune to or can successfully extricate themselves from intimate partner violence.”
• “In reality, when economically privileged women are abused, [their wealth can] make it more difficult for them to manage or escape from the abuse.”
•
Kara Bellew, Silent Suffering: Understanding Domestic Violence in Affluent Communities, Women’s Rights Law Reporter, Winter, 2005
A family law attorney student can graduate without ever taking a single course in domestic violence
Challenges
Challenges• Financial—even if she works outside the home,
abusive partner may still control all the finances
• Between 22% and 57% of homeless women report that domestic violence is the immediate cause of their homelessness.
The National Law Center on Homelessness & Poverty 1411 K Street NW, Suite 1400Washington, DC 20005
More ChallengesParenting/Schooling
• New school not as good, new neighborhood not as safe?
• Will her children become more abusive to her?
• Emotional toll of a high-conflict divorce ?
• Risks of shared custody—50% custody= 50% unprotected
Resources
Susan’s Story
• Susan Son
38
Each day she can ask:
“How can I take a step so small that it is impossible to fail?”
The journey of a thousand miles…
Based on One Small Step Can Change Your Life: Robert Maurer, Ph.D. UCLA psychologist
By making the steps as tiny as possible, she guarantees small successes she can build on and gain momentum: Each step, no matter how small, takes her that much closer to freedom.
Six things to say to a DV Victim
• I am afraid for your safety
• I am afraid for your children’s safety
• I am afraid it will only get worse
• You are not alone: I am here to help you/ I can find someone who can help
• You don’t deserve to be abused; no one deserves to be abused
• It is not your faultFamily Court Judge Wellerhttp://web.mac.com/nevadapress/nevadapress.com/Domestic_violence_guide_files/Covering%20Domestic%20Violence-Media%20Guide.pdf
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Six Steps to Freedom
• There are six types of help and support she will need in order to get out safely and effectively.
• Although they are numbered for easy reference, almost all of them can be done in any order and at any time.
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Individual1
Counseling2
Legal3
Vocational4
Financial5
Educational6
W.O.M.E.N.
It doesn’t matter where she starts. It only matters that she starts—when she is ready.
Susan’s Story…
Resources to add
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Mapping the Route to Freedom…
Housing
Security
Property
Evidence
Self-Care
Individual
Safety
Plan
1
44
Safety PlanningSafety First!!*
She can talk to a counselor about: Important papers (birth certificate, social security card,
wedding certificate, driver’s license, etc) Insurance cards, Clothes Extra set of car keys Medication School records, vaccination records Address book Cell phone Credit card Cash Where to go if she has to leave quickly How to leave as safely as possible What to do if she is followed
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Evidence
Photos
Voice
Recordings
Neighbors
Witnesses
Journal (with
dates!)
Individual
46
Self-Care
DietExerciseFriendsJournalMeditationSelf-defenseAffirmationsSpiritual practiceActivities
Personal
47
Mapping the Routeto Freedom…
Personal
School
Community
Private
Counseling
Self-Estee
m
Social
2
48
Personal
Individual therapy
Counseling
49
Community
Support Groups—Ex: Next Door
Hotline
Individual Sliding Scale
Family Sliding Scale
Child Sliding Scale
Counseling
Mandated reporting
Checking with Supervisors
Remember:
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Private
Personal therapist
Parenting coach—phone counseling
Relationship coach
Divorce coach
Domestic violence consultant
Counseling
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Family Therapy…
For mother and/or child, not including abuserMarriage counseling/family therapy is NOT
recommended when there is an abusive partner
Batterers Intervention Programs: 5% effectiveAnger Management: 0% effective
Bret Johnson, Ph.D., Indira C and Signe C, Next Door Domestic Violence Advocates
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Mapping the Routeto Freedom…
Personal
Private
City
County Community
Lawyer
Legal
3
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Lawyers
When she interviews an attorney, her partner can’t hire him
Some lawyers don’t charge for first consult.
Interview several to find the right fit.
Warning: interviewing multiple lawyers as an unethical tactic
Legal
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District Attorney
District Attorney’s Child Abduction Unit for a “Good Cause” report
Legal
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T.R.O.
Temporary Restraining Order
Legal
Brooke Mueller Gets TRO against Charlie Sheen
FAMILY VIOLENCE APPELATE PROJECTIN BERKELEY—FOR BAY AREA--non-profit--to appeal harmful court decisions like awarding custody to the batterer
“Why would a judge give custody to an abusive parent? It’s crazy, but it happens. Very often.”SONYA Passi, Founder of FVAP
Point to Ponder
Can an abuser be a good father if he “only” abuses his wife and not his child?
Legal
57
Mapping the Routeto Freedom…
Personal
Estate Planning
Financial Planning
Income Tax
Settlement
Cash
Financial
4
58
Income TaxFinancial
4
Forensic AccountantAccountant
Budgeting support
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All community property is half
hersIt is crucial to have a good lawyer in order to get a fair
settlement.
California is a community property state. In spite of what her abuser may have told her, it is NOT all his money.
She helped her partner earn it by providing her own supportive services and she is entitled by California law to half of all community property.
Financial
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Mapping the Routeto Freedom…
Private Schools
Public Schools
Educational Consultants
School
Educational
Tutors
6
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Local Private SchoolsEducation
al
6
Girls
Boys
Co-ed
62
Educational Consultants
Educational
6
Residential
Treatment
Center
Therapeutic
Boarding
School
Private
Boarding
School
Special Needs
Programs
Your Supervisor
Consult for mandated reporting
She or he may spot red flags you’ve overlooked—they could be life changing, life saving
MVR
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TO:
With these six steps she moves…
………….………………….…………….
FROM:
TO:
TO:
TO:
TO:
Re-victimization
Aligning herself with powerful allies
Isolation
Connection, Support Group
Damaging her children
Saving her children
Criticism, Shame
Confinement
Positive Self-Talk
Escape Plan/ “Exit Strategy”
65
TO:FROM:
TO:
TO:
TO:
TO:
Financial hardship
Secret Savings
Sworn to secrecy
Confiding in friends, allies
His power
Discovering her own power
His control over her life, her present
Victim
Taking back control of her life, her future
Survivor
66
The Good News
There is a way out
W.O.M.E.N.~SV and other support
networks can help find itEvery communication is confidentialShe doesn’t even have to give her nameShe must leave on her own terms when she is ready
Remember: She should never tell her plans with her abuser
67
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
Each step, no matter how small, takes her that much closer to freedom
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• Of all the things he has taken from her, including perhaps the best years of her life, her past, her present, there’s one thing her abuser can
never rob her of:
her future.
geta
divorce!
another
If there’s an abuser involved…
71W.O.M.E.N., SV is a non-profit program partnered with Los Altos
Community Foundation
Resources
Personal
Therapeutic
Legal
Financial
Vocational
Educational
We are here to:
support and empower women in their struggle to free themselves from domestic violence
To address the unique challenges of professional and upper-income women through a network of resources
W.O.M.E.N.~SiliconValley
Questions?
73
When She is Ready--
Or For Future
Reference…Directory of Names and phone numbers of resources
The DV DIRECTORY
Evaluations
TEST
• ANSWERS
76
Acknowledgements:Rolanda Pierre Dixon, Esq., Assistant District Attorney, Santa
Clara County, Chair of Santa Clara County Domestic Violence
Council
Maureen Lowell, LMFT, Vice Chair, Domestic Violence Council
Julie Saffren, Esq., Santa Clara University Professor
Indira Chakravorty, Signe Correa, Domestic Violence Advocates
Richard Ferry, M.S., LMFT, Expert Witness in Domestic Violence
Miriam Bodin, MA; Jennie Heckman, Ph.D., Educational
Consultants
Edith Collin, MFT, Martha Cravens, Ph.D., Stewart Kiritz,
Ph.D. Therapists
Adriana Caldera, Domestic Violence Program Director, YWCA
Susan Anderson, Los Altos Police Officer and Former Detective
Tuck Younis, Los Altos Police Chief