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Chapter 6

Love and Mate Selection

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Chapter Preview

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Topics

What is love? Types of love Components of love How does love change over time? How do we choose our mate? Living together Engagement and marriage

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Chapter Questions

What do people really mean when they use the word ‘love’?

Why is romantic love so wonderful?

What does eroticism have to do with love?

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Chapter Questions

How can adult love be dependent?

What does love have to do with being friends?

What does altruism look like?

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Chapter Questions

So which kind of love makes marriage successful?

What does how well our needs were met as babies have to do with our adult relationships?

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Chapter Questions

How do people’s attitudes about love change as they get older?

How do we find the person we want to marry?

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Chapter Questions

How might the way I was raised affect who I choose to marry?

What personal qualities are important for a happy marriage?

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Chapter Questions

How common is it for people to live together without being married?

What happens between wanting to be married and getting married?

What formalities mark the transition to being officially married?

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Guided Learning Process 1st: Question 2nd: Study 3rd: Mark 4th: Question again 5th: Recite 6th: Check 7th: Restudy if necessary

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Text Assignment

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© 2005 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.A 1-2-3-4

What do people really mean when they use the word ‘love’?

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How has dating changed in America?

How did single people get together before the existence of dating?

How did courtship turn into dating?

What was dating like on early college campuses?

A

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Why is romantic love so wonderful?

How important is romance in a marriage?

B – B 1

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What does eroticism have to do with love?

Isn’t love just another word for sex?

What does sex have to do with love?

C 1-2

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How can adult love be dependent?

What do we need from love?

D – D1

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What does love have to do with being friends?

E - E1

Do we have to like someone we love?

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What does altruism look like?

F – F1

How is Fromm’s view of love different from others?

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So which kind of love makes marriage successful?

G – G1

What have researchers found out about the different kinds of love?

© 2005 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.H

What does how well our needs were met as babies have to do with our adult relationships?

© 2005 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.I

How do people’s attitudes about love change as they get older?

© 2005 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.

How do we find the person we want to marry?

How does our childhood unconsciously influence what we want in a mate?

Do we look for a mate who can give us what we need?

J 1-2

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How do we find the person we want to marry?

Do we choose a mate because we each have something the other one wants?

How do we narrow our options down to the person we will marry?

J 3-4

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How might the way I was raised affect who I choose to marry?

How can marriage be affected when people of different socioeconomic classes marry?

Do people have to marry someone with the same education and intelligence level to be happy?

K 1-2

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How might the way I was raised affect who I choose to marry?

How well do interracial and interethnic marriages work?

Can marriages between people who have different religions work?

K 3-4

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What personal qualities are important for a happy marriage? What personal traits does research

show are likely to make marriage happier?

What about age difference?

What do we need to agree about to be happily married?

L 1-2-3

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What personal qualities are important for a happy marriage?

How do our ideas about men and women and our personal habits affect whether we will be happy when we’re married?

L4

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How common is it for people to live together without being married?

Why do people choose to live together without being married?

Does living together first increase the chances of having a successful marriage?

M 1-2

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What happens between wanting to be married and getting married?

How can we know if we’re ready to be married?

What do couples need to do to be legally married?

What preparation is important for a successful marriage?

N 1-2-3

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What formalities mark the transition to being officially married?

Why does there need to be an engagement period?

Why is the wedding itself so important?

O 1-2

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Special Sections

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Personal Perspective: The Big Wedding

What are the pros and cons of having a big wedding?

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Cultural Perspectives: Chinese Wedding Ceremonies

How do Chinese rituals reflect their culture and values?

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At Issue Today: The Lavish Wedding

Why are weddings becoming so extravagant and expensive?

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A Question of Policy: Marriage Incentives

How are lawmakers seeking to decrease welfare costs?

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Love

We define love according to our own experiences

Love = very large concept with many

dimensions

A

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Elements of Romantic Love

Passionate affection Strong emotion and feeling Desire to be together Sexual attraction Idealization and adoration Altruism and unselfishness Feelings of self-confidence

B

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Romantic Love and Marriage

Romance brings us into possibly serious relationships

Conscious love = romantic feelings towards someone whose real nature we know

Romance can blind us to real nature

B1

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How are love and sex connected?

Strong emotions cause physical arousal – hormones

Love and sex can be experienced separately – Reik

Casual sex different for men and women

Sex can be an expression of love

C 1-2

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The “Need” for Love

Dependent love — someone’s needs are fulfilled by another

Why children ‘love’ their parents Because their parents meet their needs

D

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Maslow’s theory of love as need

Everyone has a basic psychological need for love

Love is defined as ‘meeting needs’

D1

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Friendship Love

Similar to companionate love

Friends truly like one another and enjoy each other’s company

Mature love includes liking

E

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Friendship Love Compared to romantic love:

More: relaxed secure

Less: tense and anxious possessive emotional

E 1

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Altruistic Love

Unselfish active concern for other

Fromm: Care

Responsibility

Respect

Knowledge

Domination is opposite of love

F1

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Love in Successful Marriage

Realistic romantic love

Erotic love – builds and strengthens bond

Mutually dependent with give and take

Friendship and companionship

Altruistic genuine concern and care

G1

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Sternberg’s Components of Love

IntimacyPassionCommitment

G 1

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Sternberg’s Eight Combinations of Love

No Love

Liking - I only

Infatuation - P only

Empty love - C only

G1

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Sternberg’s Eight Combinations of Love

Romantic love = I + P

Companionate love = I + C

Fatuous love = P + C

Consummate love = I + P + C

G1

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Love and Attachment

Early relationships with parents affect:

Sense of self-worth

Expectations of relationships

Patterns of relationships

H

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Styles of Attachment

Secure – parents met needs promptly and with sensitivity

Anxious or ambivalent – parents not dependable in meeting needs

Avoidant – parents did not meet needs

H

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Relationships and Attachment

Lasting relationships — secure

Fall in love often — anxious/ambivalent

Doubtful of romantic love — avoidant

H

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Adolescents and Attachment

Secure attachment associated with:

stronger friendship groups

closer and longer dating friendships

less stressed and lonely

happier with academics

H

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Sex in College and Attachment

Anxious/ambivalent – had sex to reduce feelings of insecurity

Avoidant – had sex to impress their friends

H

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Changes in Love Over Time

Young singles -- more playful obsessive possessive

Older married – more practical

Men and women had similar attitudes

I

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Happily Married People value:

Eroticism and sexual intimacy Altruism – self-giving love Friendship Exclusive commitment Support for partner Passionate valuing of partner/relationship

I

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Theories of Mate Selection

Psychodynamic Theories

Parent image theory Ideal mate theory

Needs Theories

Exchange Theories

J 1-2-3

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Theories of Mate Selection

Developmental Process Theories

Filtering Propinquity Attraction Homogamy/heterogamy Endogamy/exogamy

J 4

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Family Background Factors in Mate Selection

Socioeconomic Class

> more satisfied if marry at same level

> women more unlikely to marry down

K 1

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Family Background Factors in Mate Selection

Education and Intelligence

> more stable if partners at similar levels

> divorce more likely if woman has more education

K 2

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How well do interethnic marriages work?

Interethnic Marriages

> becoming more common

> 3.6% of couples

> not yet fully accepted

K 3

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How well do interfaith marriages work?

Interfaith Marriages

> less likely if conservative or orthodox

> becoming more common

> more common among highly educated

K 4

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Personal Characteristics

Individual traits/behavior Age differentials Similarity of attitudes & values Compatible roles Personal habits

L 1-2-3-4

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Nonmarital Cohabitation

Very common today

Statistics

Can be advanced form of dating

Doesn’t require marriage intention

M 1

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Nonmarital Cohabitation

Patterns of Relationships

Utilitarian Involved & committed Trial marriage Marriage prelude Marriage alternative

M 2

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Nonmarital Cohabitation

Living together marriage ? NO Because:

Lower commitment level Different characteristics

Divorce rate higher unless already committed to getting married

M 3

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How can we know if we’re ready to be married?

Both people feel ready to be married Career preparation finished Emotionally mature Marrying for the right reasons Want to be sexually faithful Can transfer affection from parents

N 1

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Marriage and the Law States have different requirements

Those with following cannot marry:

Consanguinity Affinity Mental deficiency Insanity

N 2

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Marriage and the Law

Requirements for legal marriage:

Age of 18 or parents’ consent Capable of fulfilling marriage requirements Full consent Legally sane Permit, sometimes requires waiting period or

tests

N 2

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Preparation for Marriage

Parents may be good models

Premarital relationship assessments can reveal areas of difficulty

PREPARE/ENRICH AND FOCCUS programs have good predictive validity

N 3

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Rites of Passage

Rites of passage — ceremonies or rituals marking the passage from one social status to another

Engagement Intermediate stage between courtship and

marriage

The wedding is a religious and civil rite

O 1-2

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