Charm School 101 - nextstopsoulmate.com · Bonding, as you can imagine, is super heart centered....

Charm School 101 – Copyright ©2020 Kathryn Alice – www.kathrynalice.com

Charm School 101

By Kathryn Alice

{PLEASE NOTE: these notes go with an audio class. The notes just barely skim the surface of what we’re learning. Without listening to the audio and also doing the homework at the end, you have

not successfully completed this class and won’t get full value from it} If I gave this class to you, it doesn’t mean you’re not charming This class will refine those skills you have so you really know what you’re doing when connecting with others. With this new knowledge, you can accelerate bonding considerably. If you’re already super charming, you’ll have a new knowledge of what you do that affects and be able to use this new knowledge to harness your charm for any purpose you choose. Even when it might have failed you in the past All the information in this module is based on research the most of which just came out recently and has confirmed everything I’ve been teaching for you. I’ll show you how to bond faster, more deliberately, even in times when traditionally, you’ve been tongue-tied or failed. Research shows that how well you connect w others, how charming you are, is a bigger determinant on how much money you make, how you’re promoted and how well others regard you in the job – moreso than actual competence which is kind of depressing but once you know this, you can make sure that you’re employing the charm that will get you places. Another compelling reason to master this work. The object in a relationship, especially when just beginning, is to bond


It’s not for you to express yourself. It’s not for you to establish your boundaries the first minute (unless someone is pawing you or making inappropriate remarks). It’s not for you to find out if they are a match that first instant. This class is to teach how to bond in a few minutes or hours more than most people might be able to in weeks, even months. This information is useful no matter where you are in a relationship – from just meeting to deeply involved. Bonding well will get you where you want to go faster. It automatically pulls down any barriers you may unknowingly have that have sabotaged you. Bonding, as you can imagine, is super heart centered. While you can learn this cerebrally -- by what you learn here – you’re gonna have to practice to perfect this. And further, you’re going to have to open your heart and really care. You will have to abandon always being right or the most knowledgeable, which can feel good if you’re smart, but will get in the way of bonding. Those the most inherently good at being charming are heart-centered. They lead with their hearts. Expressive and people-pleasing personalities naturally do this. The more cerebral sorts – the do-ers and the analytics, need to get back in balance with their hearts. Love & connection is all about your heart. But even if you can’t completely open your heart, you can still practice these bonding skills, become charming just by following what you’re about to hear. How do you know if you’re heart-centered? You drop everything for someone, you usually will cry more easily, you abandon logic easily or are not ruled by it. Balance is best but for connection, seeking to lead with your heart will serve you well. EXAMPLE: Analytical client who learned to reach out and connect. COMMUNICATION STYLE Open posture, interested, not detached.


EXAMPLES: Quiet – questions, listening. Louder – entertain, but be connected. BIDS When someone gives you an opening. What do you do? The rule of improv. EXAMPLES: Client who had positive bids. WARM VOICE Like you’re talking to your pet or a baby. Someone you care about. No risk whatsoever. Only reward. EXAMPLES: Lady with problems. Clients with a cold voice. FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS 80% more 2nd dates. This simple technique. Listen well enough to ask for refinement. EXAMPLES: My shy client got caught up in her own thoughts, barely listened. This opened the door to a whole new world for her. LISTENING Active. Don’t tell your own stories immediately. Get involved in what the other person is saying. Listen deeply. Lean in as you listen. Nod your head. Touch their forearm. Be with them. There is nothing more bonding than feeling heard. This will make the follow-up questions go easier EXAMPLES: Expressive client, super energetic, who had never been able to listen well. Opened deeper bonding than she had ever managed. LOOKING IN THE EYES Dogs. Babies. The power of it. Most people go about their day not looking into each other’s eyes.


EXAMPLES: The introvert who finally started looking in eyes. Felt the power. Started connecting in. REMEMBERING: Names, People, Places, Basic Info Will help with your follow-up questions, too. People feel heard and honored. This is the easiest 2 second bond to have. When you take the trouble and get at remembering details about people’s lives, they feel seen. It’s okay to take notes – to ask Bob about his mom’s surgery on Monday morning, even make a note in your calendar about it. As you track those you care about, even remembering the mom’s name, it means a great deal. This doesn’t take long but is huge for people. EXAMPLES: She ended up marrying her crush that she could barely talk to at work. HONORING ANOTHER Try to see the sacred in others. Even the hard ones. If they’re not acting perfectly, they are probably acting out of a wound. The more respect and attempt to honor others you do, the more charming you will be. EXAMPLES: A client who learned to see beyond others scripts. Everyone wanted to be near her. She got a raise at work. She met her guy. WHAT TO AVOID ENTIRELY

• Pouring out your heart for a long, long time. Way into the relationship

• Overneeding to express who you are to the detriment of the bonding

• Talking about the relationship, the state of the relationship

• Pushing for an agenda – a lack of trust EXAMPLES: Client who talked on first date about the relationship, what it meant, where they were headed, what they wanted. Premature. Beginning stages of a relationship are delicate and it’s not time (Get Em Begging to Commit Class) IF YOU TEND TO TALK-TALK-TALK, EXPRESSIVE This is charming and fills the space. But it can leave no room for anyone else. You need to make sure your conversational pattern is they talk-you talk-they talk. It is important


for you to ask questions, to listen better, to not insert your own story in the midst of someone else’s It’s not a conversation if you are monologuist. And if you take over the conversation all of the time Your journey is to listen better EXAMPLES: Client who was very surfacy with all. Quite the talker. Trouble listening. Wondered why it never went deep. No one ever called her. Or if she made it to a first date, they wouldn’t call back. Monologues are not connecting. It all changed when she learned to shut up, to have a two way conversation and listen better. It all changed for her. She met a guy who liked her chatter box ways, but because she had learned to slow down and listen, they bonded in a real way. And that was that. She used this newfound skill to get a raise at work and finally make some deep, true friends. IF YOU ARE ON THE QUIET-RESERVED SIDE You need to talk a bit more. Disclose something. Research shows if you don’t reveal anything of yourself, the person will peg you as shut down, even if this is just your natural way of being. It puts people at ease for you to reveal something of yourself. You don’t have to go wild and reveal everything or super sensitive topics but you need to be forthcoming about some things about you EXAMPLES: Client who finally started talking about herself. If someone else talked too much, she would insert something about herself. BUILDING YOUR OWN MYSTIQUE

• Don’t be overly available

• Don’t overshare or overtext (no one will ever get to the bottom of you)

• End conversations and text exchanges first

• Preface dates and conversations with “I don’t have much time here” or “I have to go in a moment” EXAMPLES: The student who over-disclosed, over communicated, was just there all the time. Her biggest lesson was not explaining everything, not always being available last minute and it paid big-time. DELAYED GRATIFICATION

• If you can practice things and not judge everything right away, and not be crushed if you have one bump in the road. . .


• If you can put things off, shelf your agenda in the early stages until you really have a bond . . . it will pay off

• As adults, we must learn about delayed gratification. We are no longer 3 year olds who have a tantrum if we don’t get what we want right this minute

• It will serve you in untold ways if you can wait for a person to catch up with you emotionally, go at their pace, be a better listener, shelf your short-term snap judgments or feelings of temporary failure for the longer goal

• It is much easier for you to get what you want if – rather than scratch that itch right now – you can put it on hold for a bit to allow things to develop, to grow and to bond

• If you can do so, you’ll be in his or her arms for a lifetime of love, of passion and everything else you want

Don’t break your rapport for anything!

WATCH YOUR INSECURITIES They can take away from bonding in ridiculous ways. If you get self-conscious, you suddenly become very self-absorbed which will take away from your being able to be present and bond with the person before you EXAMPLES: Client who disclosed all her shortcomings and faults the first date. Would say and do the wrong things. Her self-consciousness would over come her. We had to stop that and think of the other person. She became very popular in dating WHEN YOU ARE NOT TOGETHER

• do not obsess on them

• do not send 5+ line texts

• do not leave a bunch of voicemails

• focus on the rest of your life

• possibly eggs in other baskets to keep you from getting needy

• neediness repels

• overstaying your welcome too early repels (leave first)

• but always stay warm HOMEWORK 1. Notice when your heart is open and notice how you feel. Seek to emulate this at other times when you might shut down 2. If you get self-conscious, shift your focus to the other person & engaging them


3. Practice your warm voice. Ask friends if it really is warm. Talk to the mirror. Record yourself to see what sounds best. Cultivate a warm voice, warmth and compassion for everybody. Do this in advance of when it really counts so when you run across someone who is intimidated, you’re prepared and all that practice makes you kick into Charm Mode. 4. Start watching BIDS between you and anyone else. Even on tv or films you watch. Notice when someone is warm and gives a positive bid. Notice when someone gives a really negative bid. Or neutral. How do each feel? Practice giving positive bids with the only exception being when you need to draw a boundary. 5. When in conversations, start practicing follow-up questions. If you know you’ll meet someone in advance, find out what you can about them and form some questions you’d like to ask them about themselves. Learn to listen carefully and form a solid follow-up question to ask. Get good at this, since it’s so effective. Practice the back-and-forth rather than a monologue on either side. 6. Go through these notes, listen to the audio again, and make note of where you have fallen short. Practice the cure to those things from the research-backed material I’ve given you here. BONUS TIP #1: laugh more easily. Get less easily offended, if this has been an issue. Take things lightly and flirt as you connect more (separate Flirting module) BONUS TIP #2: Lean back and relax. Let the law of attraction magnetize who and what you want rather than pushing for anything. It is a more confident stance and as you practice this Charm Process, you will have plenty coming for you, seeking you out.


TRANSCRIPT:

Hi, there. This is Kathryn Alice and welcome to Charm School 101. A couple of notes before

we begin. There's a notes file for this module for this class. And I would love for you to go

along with the notes to follow along. I also highly advise you to get a pen and a piece of paper

or open a file on your computer and take notes of what applies to you. The notes barely skim

the surface of what we're learning. And that's why I'm really glad that you have this audio

because without listening to the audio and, also, doing the homework at the end, you have not

successfully completed this class and we will not get full value from it.

If I gave this class to you, it doesn't mean that you're not charming, okay? This class will refine

the skills that you already have. So, you really know what you're doing with connecting with

others. Even if you feel like you've been charming, you're going to know why. And you'll be

able to use it at will. With this new knowledge, you can accelerate bonding considerably. I have

seen people bond more in just a few minutes of talking, and other people might do in a week

or even a month. All right? And so, if you don't have social skills, if you have been very

awkward socially, or if you don't know why you don't connect with people and they don't

pursue you, this is going to help you a lot. If you're already super charming, you will have this

new knowledge of what to do and what you do that affects things so well. And you'll be able

to use this new knowledge to harness your charm for any purpose that you choose, even when

your charm might have failed you in the past. Because the most charming person has a lapse.

They might get intimidated by somebody who they feel is better than them or more powerful

than them or that they're attracted to. And all of a sudden, it fails them.

Once you know what I'm about to teach you and once you practice it, it's going to feel so

good because you'll know what you're doing, you can harness it at will, and it opens up a whole

new world to you if you've had any issue ever connecting with others. All of the information

in this module is based on research, the most of which just came out. And so, if you think you

have heard this before, you probably haven't because some of these studies just came out in

the last year or two. It confirmed everything that I teach and everything you may have heard

me say before.

And so, do listen up because it makes a lot of difference in ways that we didn't know before,

how deeply doing it wrong will mess you up. I will show you how to bond faster more

deliberately, even in times when traditionally, you're being tongue-tied or you failed or self-

sabotaged.

Research shows that how well you connect with others, how charming you are, is the biggest

determinant of how much money you make, how you're promoted, and how well others regard

you in a job situation, more so than actual competence. And it's kind of depressing to think

about that. But once you know it, you can make sure that you're employing the charm that will

get you places, along with your competence and knowledge of your job. This is yet another

compelling reason to master this work and really work on becoming truly charming. The object


in any relationship, especially when you're just beginning, is also to bond, like on a first date

or when you're starting to like somebody or you have a crush on somebody. I will have stories

for you as we go along on all these situations and how well it went once people were in this.

The goal with interaction is not for you to express yourself. I have some people say to me,

"Well, I'm just looking for somebody who can really listen to me or get me. I'm just wanting

somebody to hear me." And that's all well and good and we want that. As you learn how to

be charming, you are more likely to attract someone like that into your life, you're equal

because you've mastered it. But, in the meantime, it's kind of wrong-headed. If you need

somebody to listen to you, talk to the mirror, get a therapist. But, the goal in relationship is to

connect the two of you. And so, the goal is not for you to have a place to express yourself.

That's selfish and not really relationship-oriented at all. It's not for you to establish your

boundaries the first minute that you meet somebody unless someone is calling you or making

inappropriate remarks. That's when it's good to have boundaries. Otherwise, some people that

I've seen, far too many, actually, had been scarred by previous relationships. And rather than

not this person before them be who they are and give them a chance. They've got all this fear

running around in their head, projecting it on to this person. And they say things that are just

kind of like a full stop to going further and connecting. It's not for you to find out, for example,

if they're a match that first instant, okay? It's not for you to set up your boundaries right away

and have all these warning signs. That's not very welcoming.

If you ever see that look on a fence, you know, stay away, electric fence, it's got spikes at the

end of it, and it says, "Beware of dog," it's kind of just pushing you away. You might have

those same things. You might have electricity. And you might have spikes up on your fence,

and without knowing it.

This work that you're going to learn right now, we'll make sure you don't do that because many

times I've seen people inadvertently push somebody away when they didn't mean to. It just

becomes knee-jerk and it's not your friend. This class is to teach you how to bond in a few

minutes or hours where the most people might bond in weeks, even months. And every single

thing, every single technique we're going to cover, will feel so good the minute you start

practicing it. This information is useful no matter where you are in a relationship, from just

meeting to deeply involved, whether it's a relationship at work, with family, or with friends.

Bonding well will get you where you want to go faster. It automatically pulls down those

barriers we're talking about that you may unknowingly have that have sabotaged you in the

past. Bonding, as you can imagine, is super heart-centered. While you can learn this to reboot

belief with your brain, you're going to have to practice to perfect this, okay?

And so, right now, when you hear me, your brain is active and you're taking it in. That's good.

It doesn't mean anything unless you can practice to perfect it. And when you do, you're going

to be amazed at the results. I mean, it's crazy. Some of the research shows you don't have to

do much and it can even be awkward or fake at first because you're just learning it. And people

don't even notice. They can't help but even if they think it might be fake, they're still taken in


by you and charmed by you. And so, you are going to have to open your heart and really care

because this is heart-centered. You'll have to abandon always being right or the most

knowledgeable, which, of course, is very brain-centered. It can feel good if you're really smart,

and maybe you're trying to show off, but it gets in the way of bonding. And it actually erects

so well, you might not even be aware of.

Those who are kind of naturally good at being charming are heart-centered. They lead with

their hearts. They're the expressivists in life and the people-pleasers. If you've ever heard about

some of the archetypes I talked about, the expressivists in life are the ones who act out things.

They have a lot of facial expressions. They might cry easily. People-pleasers, as we well know,

those are the amiable, tend to want to get along. They avoid confrontation. They'll drop

everything for a friend. And in some ways, they give too much of themselves away. But, these

are the more naturally charming people. The more cerebral sorts and those are mainly the

doers and the analytics. The analytics can be very perfectionist. They're data-driven. They need

a lot of data. The doers tend to be the driver personalities, where they're always doing and they

feel good when they're checking something off their to-do list.

And I'm a doer. We need to get back in balance with our hearts, okay? And so, for us, the

analytics who are very brain-centered and the doers who are very doing-centered, we can tend

to lead with our brains first and leave out the heart. And we have to learn again, if you've

gotten that way. When we were kids, we were all very heart-centered. But, along the way,

depending on the family we grew up in, we started adapting how they were. And so, if you

had an aggressive parent, you might tend to be more aggressive and assertive. If you had a

passive parent, you might be more passive. And we have to recourse correct and get back to

our heart if we've been very brain-centered. If we've learned that, it's good, and it can help you

in a lot of ways to be smart, of course, and to be thorough and a perfectionist. These are highly

valuable characteristics. They don't work as well in relationship. And with that bit of data we

have, that you're going to do better at work with charm than actual competence. Because

charm is a good thing to learn. It's easily learned. No matter how introverted, shy, or socially

awkward you've been, you can learn this and you can practice it and it's going to be fine because

you will see results right away.

But, we need to emulate and learn how to get back into our heart. Until you get back in your

heart, and your heart will open back up if it's been shut down and you tend to be kind of

abrupt with people or stay away or overly matter of fact, you can still learn the behaviors that

indicate heart-centered even before you feel it. And then, the feelings come back and they're

good. You feel better. Believe me, when your heart is open, it's a much nicer way to be. And

it feels good, okay? Love and connection is all about your heart. Even if you can't completely

open your heart, you can still practice these bonding skills, as I said, becoming charming just

by following what you're about to hear. And when you see the results and you see how people

react better to you and are not scary in a way they might have been if you had been more head-

centered, it's easier to keep going with it and to open your heart.


How do you know if you're heart-centered? You drop everything for someone. You usually

will cry more easily. You abandon logic easily or not ruled by it. You, also, will greet people

super warmly. I think of our dog. We have this white lab. And whenever he sees somebody,

he acts like they're his new best friend. And if it's somebody he knows, like the dog walker or

one of us, and we walk in, he [unin 00:11:16]. He is so happy to see us and nobody can resist

this dog. And I think that's kind of a good guide for us. You don't have to slobber all over

people. I've had people tell me I'm fake at times. I remember one lady when I first moved to

the city we live in who actively didn't like me. And I always wonder what her problem was.

And it wasn't away after the fact that somebody told me she really didn't like me. And it kind

of messed my social life up. But, she thought I was too friendly.

And that's because I come from a different culture. In the South, you're very friendly. And

that's just how we are. We don't always mean it beyond the surface, even. But, we tend to be

that way and she was suspicious because I now live in California and people are more

suspicious here in certain ways. Probably, rightly so, because there's a lot of fake stuff in

Southern California. And so, it's so interesting how that can work. But, balance is best for our

connection purposes here. Seek to lead with your heart and it will serve you well, in most cases.

It didn't work out for me with this one lady, but I made a lot of friends very quickly just by

being open. We're going to talk about specific instances and techniques to use that will be

open where everybody will just love you.

I want to give you an early example here, and I will scatter stories throughout this class, of an

analytical client who learned to reach out and connect. This, absolutely, was not natural to her.

She tended to be very close. She'd have a very traumatic childhood, full of abuse and negativity.

And she just, through her brain, had gotten pretty high up in her career. She was making a lot

of money off of her competence. But, she wasn't getting as far as people who were charming.

She wasn't charming. She was very cut and dried. Sometimes, she would lash out at people,

which is a negative bid. Bids are critical - one of the biggest determinants of how well you will

do in relationships and how well you'll do with charm. We're going to get into that specific

thing because it is so backed up by research. It's called bids. But, she lashed out. She gave a lot

of negative bids. And a lot of people would perceive her as a little cold.

And so, as she learned the techniques you and I are about to get into, everything changed for

her. She got doubled her previous income pretty quickly. She became much more lauded. She

started getting asked for speaking engagements, to networks, to join a private club very

exclusive for people at her level. And that's because she just had to put in this component. She

was really smart. And so, she realized that emotional intelligence is a bigger determinant and

she wasn't exhibiting it as competent as she was in her job.

And so, what this is, charm is basically emotional intelligence. And every study you'll ever see

comparing intellectual intelligence with emotional intelligence shows that the emotionally

intelligent are more successful every single time. We're based on that art. As humans, as a

species, we are very collective individuals. We've survived all of these years, like billions of


years or however long we've been around, for being community-driven and being cooperative.

And so, even though it certainly doesn't determine our survival any longer, we need to learn it

because our culture is still based off of it. And even if you're introverted and kind of a hermit,

it does help to make some connection, at least, when you get out. You don't have to get out

that much. What you can make, when you do get out, count. Okay? Or, whoever you

encounter. None of us really have the luxury of never seeing anybody; or, at least, very few

people. I doubt you'd be able to sit to this. If that was you, anyway, all right?

So, communication style varies. Some of us are very reserved. I'm one of them. I'm not the

life of the party. When I teach, I tend to come out more than any other area of my life. But, I

tend to be on the peripheral in a party. And if I'm around somebody super loud, I get quieter

and quieter. And I know a lot of people like that. Your communication style could be

gregarious, which means you are naturally a chatty person and reach out to people. And so,

you probably have a lot of charm, naturally. Your communication style might be shy. It might

be cut and dry. Like my example a moment ago, my client who was just way too cut and dried

and a little bit just cold. She came off as cold, which we corrected on her. And so, whatever

your communication style, it's good to know about it. I would ask people a little bit about how

you come across. It's not pretty and you need to have a tough skin, but it's valuable. I'm going

to give you examples as we come along of people who had no idea how they were coming

across and how much they would damage themselves without even knowing.

In terms of body language, you would have open body posture. It means you don't want to

have your arms and legs crossed. You want to lean forward and seem interested and not

detached. Everything that I'm about to tell you is going to help you with your communication

style. You never have to be gregarious, if you're not. It's very easy to employ just a couple of

the things I'm going to mention, all of which are based on research. And it will be a game-

changer for you.

And so, I had one client who was quiet. That was her communication style, was very soft and

quiet. And for her, listening became the strength. It's her communication style. That's how she

connected better. She had to learn to talk more than she was talking because people get

suspicious of you. Research has shown that as well. If you don't disclose anything, they feel

like you are closed and they won't feel emotionally safe. So, you must disclose something about

yourself.

Another client was louder and would be entertaining. So, with this client, we had to learn to

be more connected in. And, of course, correction there with her communication style was to

listen better and to look for that connection over her being entertaining and having to express

herself. She was definitely an expressive. And the person who was quiet, she was more of an

analytic. Okay?

I want to get into the single most determinant of how well you will bond with people. Have

you ever seen somebody who everybody liked and you didn't get it because you didn't think


they were charming? The biggest determinant is bids. And bids is not obvious. What is a bid?

A bid is how you receive somebody. When someone gives you an opening, then you have to

take it. What do you do if somebody says "Hi?" Are you in your own little world and you

ignore them without knowing it? That's a bit of a negative bid. A bid is how you receive

somebody and how you lob back any attempts at communication they have done with you.

So, negative bid. If you give somebody a negative bid, basically, the word "no" is what you

say, either energetically or verbally, okay? And it can be a severe negative bid. Let's say that a

solicitor comes and knocks on your door and you chew them out for bothering you or getting

past your gate. That was an extremely, extremely negative bid. What is the worst negative bid

of all? Violence, hitting somebody. Okay? Of course, it's a wild overreaction, but some people

who are wound tightly or never dealt with their issues might have that level of a negative bid.

Most negative bids are subtle, but we don't forget them. Think about when somebody gave

you the last negative bit, like negative. And it was negative energy. For most people, a lot of

research shows they can't get over it right away. Even if they're having a lovely day, your

average person, if somebody is negative and gives them a negative bid in any way, shape, or

form, they'd be thinking about it three hours later if they didn't deal with it. It puts them out

of sorts. I've had clients be upset for whole weekend or week over a negative bid. It's too

much. And so, if I'm working with you, one of the things we're going to do is get you less

bothered by that. Develop a thicker skin. This is going to make you more charming, too, is to

be non-reactive and not be easily offended - a really great quality to cultivate. But, in the

meantime, your average person is not doing this level of work. And so, that's how they're going

to react to a negative bid. They won't get over it very easily.

And so, you want to cultivate putting out positive bids ideally and, at least, something neutral

that's not going to stick in people's head. Because we are such a collective society, people are

always looking for somebody who's unsafe. Even though these days, I mean, we do have in

the U.S. a lot of college shootings. We did have a lot of drive-by shootings and just off the

cuff stuff that happens. But, for the most part, you're safe, even though they give you a

negative bid or you give a negative bid. But, I want you to become increasingly aware when

you give it a negative that, perhaps, inadvertently somebody says "Hi" and you're in your own

little world, you might not have noticed. And meanwhile, they're like, "She didn't even say 'hi'

to me. He didn't even acknowledge my presence." And meanwhile, you didn't even know you

were doing it. So, the less easily offended part of you, if you encountered that, is they just

didn't even notice. They're in their own little world. Maybe, a parent died or, maybe, they just

had a heart thing and they're just in their own little world and not noticing. So, you want to be

forgiving.

But, meanwhile, you want to watch your bids and try to be a little more friendly than you've

been. So, never say "no" if you can't help it, unless you need boundaries. And some people

who are overly amiable are really good at positive bids, but they need to have their negative

bids at times and be willing to confront. There is a time and place for negative bids, and that's


mainly for boundaries reasons. If you feel overwhelmed all the time, there's soft ways to give

a boundary. And I have a whole boundaries module that you can get from me if you're working

with me privately, that I'll give you. But, boundaries are good. And there's a softer way to even

do boundaries so it's not such a harsh negative bid.

But, you need to watch how you're being harsh. You need to cultivate positive bids, okay?

One example is a client I had who actually had a different issue than this. But, she was a model

of positive bid and she was so charming. The first time that we worked, I just fell in love with

her because she was so positive and open and immediately just welcoming and caring about

me, which I'm not even here for you guys to care about me. I'm just here to help you. But, it

couldn't help but touch my heart how she was. She was so heart-centered. And her biggest

problem was accepting all the invitations she got or gently not being available to everybody

who wants to be with her. Because she has such a mastery of positive bids. She just had

welcoming energy.

And so, part of your homework that I will reiterate later is going to start noticing negative

bids. Notice how they affect you. Because even if you can get over it quickly, which is a goal

for you, there's this moment of like, cringe or feels like you've been stabbed a little bit.

Particularly, if you're a sensitive sword or an HSP. Then, a highly sensitive person. Then, you

will notice way more. And so, I want you to watch your negative bids, watch how you are

responding to people. And if you can, cut out any negative bid ever, unless you use it

deliberately with some forethought because someone is really encroaching you. And even then,

it's best to do it gently and a kind way. Okay?

And so, the rule of improv is another good example. I have never been an actor and I've never

taken improv, but my kids did. And I would sit in on a couple of the classes. Well, the first

rule of any improv that you will ever do is that if someone loves something at you, you have

to go with it. You can't negate it. You can't say "no." So, that's a great example of having a

positive bid. You cannot have a negative bid, it's forbidden. It's forbidden in improv, okay?

You have to go along with it.

And so, if you've noticed yourself always saying "No, no, no, no, no, not available, can't do it,

no, I'm not going to do this for you. I'm not acknowledging you. I don't like that. No, no, no,

no, no," look no further for why you're not considered charming. This is one of the biggest

issues. A lot of research has shown that this is the determinant in friendships. If you're open

and try to be with somebody and try to not say no, then, you'll have better friends and you'll

have better bonding, and you'll have a better relationship, and you'll go further in dating. Okay?

That's how important this is.

So, that is the number one. Believe it or not, the number one indicator of how charming you

will be and how charming you will be perceived to be, is just putting positive bids in place.

Okay?


Now, as far as the number two, it's something that most people forget about and have no clue

about in many instances. And that is a warm voice. And we know people with warm voices.

Think about people in the media who will be loved. Let's say, Dolly Parton, because I don't

think anybody really hates her. I think, she's really hard to hate. And that's probably why she's

done so well and kind of a legend. She's very beloved. She's a very warm person with a warm

voice, of warm manner, and just inoffensive to everybody. I don't think she even knows how

to do a negative bid. But, she might have a warm voice. Look around for it in the next day or

two. I can think of somebody who's not that great of a person and, in fact, has been pretty

bad to people. But, because she has a warm voice, people follow over themselves to try to

please her. And she's gotten very far corporately and she is with her soulmate, even though

she has some deep-seated issues and can be really nasty. She can break the rule a bit and get

away with it because when she's warm, she's so warm. And it's just in her voice alone that

people love her. That's an example. And so, it behooves you to find out about your voice. It's

so critical. It's crazy. And so, you want to cultivate a voice, like you're talking to your pet or a

baby, somebody that you care about.

Most people will tell me about the bids and the warm voice and, probably, every other thing

that I'm going to tell you in this class, that it feels risky. Well, what if I'm warm and I get

slapped down by the negative bid? What if I put myself out there and I'm flat down? What's

the other person's problem? You're going to be the charming one and you will get further if

you can cultivate this, even if it feels risky, that staying closed. Staying closed has no reward at

all, okay? You're pushing people away and you suffer for it. People avoid you. You're giving

the script that says "Stay away with the spike fence." And so, there's no risk. It's a bigger risk

to stay close and have a cold voice, okay? There's only reward.

And so, I want you to try this. I want you to look around for people who are warm in their

voice alone, I'm only talking about your voice, and people who are not. And I want you to

look for people with a cold voice. It's kind of a stereotype in media, like in films and TV, the

person who's overly analytical or cold. You can find it pretty easily if you look. And so, you're

going to want to do the opposite of that.

One of the clients that I worked with had no idea that she had a cold voice. And so, she had

to admit that people in the past has told her that. She came across as cold. And she just could

not get that. And so, she started asking a few people. And even when she was trying to be

warm, she was still cold. And it took a lot of work with her, a lot of studying others and a lot

of practicing on the tape recorder on her phone to get her warm voice. And she felt fake as it

could be when she did it. But, she did it anyway. People didn't even notice. But, they kind of

responded to it well. And so, when she got the reward, it was easy for her to keep going until

she adapted this new voice. Okay.

And you have it in your power to do that. And do not take this lightly. It is such a huge

determinant. Again, a lot of research bears this out, that it behooves you to learn to be warm

in every way. And this whole module really is about cultivating warmth, but particularly, a


warm voice alone. And so, I want you to start paying attention. I'll reiterate it in the homework

again. But, I want you to start paying attention to warm and cold voices and how people come

across. And then, I want you to cultivate it with you. It's not easy, but the rewards are

astounding for bids and warm voice alone, okay?

The next thing we're going get into is astounding. I just fell out. It's something I've taught for

years. But, this particular thing is one of a bunch of communication stuff that I go through in

ABC connecting. I could not believe the results. You're going to be astounded, too. This is

the one factor that determines 80% of the time is somebody gets a second date. That's how

important it is. What is it? It's a very, very simple technique. And that is to ask one single

follow-up question. Just one. Just one follow-up question. And this was done by a lot of

research, analyzing conversations and seeing the result of a first dating encounter. Okay. So, a

lot of observation of first dates. Just asking a follow-up question.

Why? Because most of us are guilty of being really bad listener. We will drudge in with our

own story because we want to relate to somebody.

And certainly, finding commonalities. Finding common ground, things in common, are

another really good bonding technique. But, to butt in with your own story kind of means you

weren't listening very well to them. And so, to ask a follow-up question, you actually have to

be listening well enough to come up with a follow-up question, right? And so, if you ask them

what they do and they tell you, and you say, "Well, what does that look day-to-day?" What are

you doing? You just did a follow-up question. And if they're telling you a story about their

boss, just say, "Well, what is your boss's name?" Or, "Has he always been like this?" About

the boss, if the boss is horrible. Like that. And so, it can be very simple unskilled follow-up

question. But, if you ask any follow-up question to anything in a conversation, it's like the

magic key to the kingdom, okay?

And so, I want you to watch. This is part of the homework as well. Watch in the next day or

two, even with short conversations, watch if you can insert a follow-up question. And I want

you to look for the friends who ask you follow-up questions and the dates and co-workers.

These are your friends. These are real friends because they're interested in you. And as you

learn this, oddly enough, you will attract more of the same. And so, if you felt like your friends

are not real friends or takers and stuff, you're going to attract a whole new level, a whole new

caliber of being to you: for friends, dates, as love interest, in work. Okay. And so, it's really

fun to learn this.

Here's an example. I had a shy client who got caught up in her own thoughts every time when

she was faced with someone intimidating, somebody intimidating at work, like a boss, or

somebody above her, or anybody powerful, as well as a guy that she would really like. And so,

she could barely listen. She would get so caught up in how she was coming across. She would

get very self-conscious. She would just be thinking really bad thoughts about herself, like, "I'm

going to blow it." And the simple way for her to get out of all that, which is if you think about


it, it's all about her, very self-centered and certainly not about the other person. Being charming

is all about the other person and the connection you two have together. It's not a one-person

show here. And so, all she had to do is quit doing that and say, "Oh, my god, here I am getting

into all this crap. It's not good for me and I'm not even there for this other person." So, she

started forcing herself, getting self-conscious to really, really listening. And this opened the

door to a whole new world for her. All of a sudden, she was making real connections. It was

the perfect way for her to get out of her own self-consciousness, is just to make a true

connection. And so, she got really, really good at these follow-up questions. And everything

changed for her.

Because it did two things. It circumvented her self-consciousness or shyness. And number

two, it helped her really bond with people. And it kind of put her on an even kill that she was

such a good listener. You become a higher caliber when you have that skill.

So, that brings me to the next point. And that is just listening. Period. Any kind of listening

you can do will behoove you. If you're a quiet sort, then, that will come easier to you because

it's easier than talking. Talking can feel like a bigger risk or just doesn't come naturally to you.

And so, it's easier to listen. If you're a gregarious type who talks and talks and talks, this is

going to be a challenge. You want to become an active listener. And I want you, when people

are talking or telling a story, to envision it in your mind. Don't interrupt with your own story,

immediately. There's times to do that. And people like it if you're identifying with them. But,

you want to give them space to talk. Very few people listen well. And so, you become a rare

bird if you could do that. Get involved actively in what the other person is saying. Listen

deeply. Lean in as you listen. Nod your head. Touch their forearm, if it's a moment of touching

or just to say, "I get it." Say, "Uh-huh." Be affirmative in every way. Be with them. And there

is nothing more bonding than feeling heard. This will make the follow-up questions go easier,

too.

Here's an example. I had an expressive client. This was literally their type who she just didn't

listen well. She's like an expressive, super energetic. In fact, some people called her "hyper."

She'd never been diagnosed or anything, but she was super energetic. And she had never been

able to listen well, ever. And it took us a while to get her to listen well because she had to

channel her energy into listening. She just had so much energy, she couldn't sit still.

A lot of studies show that if you're truly ADD and been diagnosed, relationships are

particularly hard for you because you get bored easily and you can't really stick with anybody

or go deep. But, you can cultivate it. I think it rewires her brain a little bit to do it. We did it

through guided meditations. And also, just some exercises I gave her, many of which I'm

giving you here. But, she had to start making it fascinating, like she was watching a movie

when somebody is talking and imagining it and wondering about things. And so, all of a

sudden, it did become more interesting and her brain kind of started getting more engaged in

it. It became interesting. You can make almost anything interesting if you put your mind to it

and really think about it, even things you've thought you hated, like listening. Because she kind


of hated listening. It just was too hard for her to sit still that long. And so, she started listening

deeply. And she found a way to make it interesting. And in her spare time, she think about

people who were important to her, that she had to work with, or people she'd been dating,

and wonder about them, wonder about things she didn't know. So, next time she saw them,

she was armed with a lot of questions. She wanted to listen deeply; it became a passion of hers

because she wanted to bond. And this has opened deeper bonding for her than she has ever

managed in her whole life. And she kind of got into it. And everything changed for her. She

is now with her soulmate. She has more good friends than she had ever had. And things are

going better at work with her as well.

Another thing to really open up your charm and to become charming is something that dogs

and babies know inherently. There's something to it. People don't really know what it is, but

there's a lot of power in it. What is it? It's looking in people's eyes. That's all. If you notice the

minute a baby is born, if you've ever encountered any baby, they don't look at your knees.

They don't look at your hands. They look right into your eyes. How do they know how to do

that? Dogs do it. Cats do it? Everybody does it. And there's power in it. There is an energy

exchange. I've done exercises and workshops where I've had people look into each other's

eyes and not say one single word to one another and not touch each other. That was all their

exchange was. And then, we did this exercise where they would tell the person what they saw.

And it was crazy how much they could tell about somebody just by looking in another person's

eyes. The eyes truly are the window to your soul. Most people go about their day not looking

into each other's eyes. And so, if you can cultivate that habit, even if it's just a passing moment

with a clerk in a store, all of a sudden, they will like you better. It's very charming. If you bother

to do everything I've been talking about, plus look into somebody's eyes with a penetrating

gaze, then, the world is your oyster.

I can think of a therapist that I worked with who already was a hugely successful and it was

mainly because of his penetrating gaze. He wasn't even that great of a therapist. He got better

and better. But, he had just been starting out, but he was wildly popular right away, just because

he would not talk a lot, asked good questions, but mainly look with his penetrating gaze. Client

after client admitted that's why they were drawn in by him and wanted him to be their therapist.

Okay. And so, it is amazing, the power in that.

And I had a client. Here's an example of a client who was an introvert. And she couldn't look

anybody in the eyes. It was just too hard to do because there is power in the eyes and she was

so shy and so introverted. She avoids connection, like the plague. And it beat her time and

time again in her life. She would be left out of stuff. People would not approach her. She just

isolates herself without doing a thing. In fact, she wore a lot of hoodies and she put a hoodie

over her head or wear sunglasses. And just would avert her gaze. Well, if you look at any

statistics on that, when people avert their gaze, they look shifty. There's a price to be paid for

avoiding eyes. And so, we had to start out slow. We did cognitive behavioral therapy on this,

which is one of the more effective forms of therapy. It's contained in my ABC Connecting


class which you can get and practice. Because it's a very powerful technique, but she did it

slowly because it was so threatening to her because there is such power in looking into people's

eyes. But, she finally broke that barrier and was able to look more people in the eyes, even

people who intimidated her. And she could feel the power in it and she started connecting

from it very deeply. And it brought her every single thing that she wanted. That alone, just

looking in people's eyes, was her breakthrough. So, I highly recommend that you start making

that part of your charm offensive, okay?

The next thing, the next way to become super charming is to remember people's names.

Remember people and their lives. Remember places where they're from, where they've been

and any basic information at all. This will help you with your follow-up questions, too. Ideally,

you would employ follow-up questions not just in a single moment but over a period of time.

Care about other people. When you do, they feel heard and honored, just that you remember

the thing that happened to them, just because you remembered where they're from, just

because you remembered their name. When you use people's name in a conversation, you

automatically are perceived as more charming. It's weird, but it's like you draw them in in that

moment. It is the easiest two-second bond to have. When you use people's name in the

conversation or repeat it, it's powerful. And it doesn't have to take long. It's just there. When

you take the trouble to remember people, it goes amazingly well. Amazingly well. And so, I

want you to start doing that.

It's not the easiest thing if you're not used to it. And so, some of the tactics that I use when

I'm working with people are to jog memory with something. If that person has a name that

reminds you of somebody else, can you imagine that person sitting on their shoulder, a little

miniature version of that person.

This is called mnemonics. If they have a name, let's say, "Blocker," that's her last name, imagine

a block on their shoulder, okay? If their first name is Jane, imagine "Fun with Dick and Jane"

or Jane Fonda with them or some Jane that you know, okay? And so, you might have to use

something to jog your memory, but it's really fun. And, honestly, it will help you stave off

brain attrition or Alzheimer's, dementia in the end. That's one of the techniques, is to

constantly employ your memory and keep it very active. And so, this is a good way to do so.

All right. It's okay to take notes. It's something that I have clients do if they've been really bad

at this. And so, they'll put on their calendar, literally, and schedule a reminder "to ask Bob on

Monday how his mom's surgery went over the weekend." Okay? And that's okay. And they

might put in the phone entry for a friend, a new friend, the names of their kids until they

remember them, just to remember who they are, and to ask about the kids. Okay? And so, if

you track people, it means you care about them and you were taking that much trouble.

I'll never forget something. To this day, I remember this. There was this little child who I was

going to meet. She was the niece of a really dear friend of mine. And she was a Down's

syndrome child. And she was just the angel of the universe, the sweetest girl, but she knew

she was going to meet me and she had been hearing about me. And so, she worked for two


days to memorize my name so she could say it to me. And I will never forget it. It's been years

since that happened. I'll never forget it because it was so touching that she took the time and

trouble just to remember my name, so she could say it when she knew she was going to meet

me. And so, if you could make a little trouble. And this certainly doesn't take a lot of time to

remember things about people. And for heart-centered, it's not first to you, if it's not knee-

jerk anymore, if you've kind of gone into your brain too much, this is a really good practice to

get into, to emulate caring until you do. And you can't help but start caring as you learn these

things.

But, have you ever had somebody who just kind of ignored something? Let's say that

somebody's mom died and they said that to somebody in a customer service and the person

never even says, "I'm sorry." And so, let's say that they're calling customer service and they're

saying, "My mom died. And so, I am a little late on this bill." And if the person says, "Well,

when can you pay it?" Hello, A, really negative bid. B, did not even acknowledge a fairly

extreme situation.

And so, when my house burned down in the Woolsey fire, and I had a bunch of friends whose

houses also burned down, and I had all my relatives concerned. So, they would tell these

friends, we were just laughing at the different responses, because some people would, of

course, say, "Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. How can I help?" Or, "Please know that my heart

and prayers are with you." At least, they acknowledged it. That went a long way. But, some

people would just say nothing. They would avoid us at a party we went to because they didn't

know what to say. And some people would just skirt over it, because we had to call a lot of

people to get the gas turned off. We had so many phone calls. And it just astounded me how

the really bad customer service would not even acknowledge it. And you could tell like I started

noting which companies were more five star because they noted something that was fairly

traumatic for us at the time. And we're fine now and we moved on. Nobody died. It was all

stuff. And so, we're fine. But, it was traumatic in the moment; particularly, with children.

And so, if you can become one of those people who acknowledges situations and

acknowledges people and remembers names, people, places, basic information like that, and

it doesn't have to take long but an extra 30 seconds to extend your sympathy. And to have a

warm voice makes you the most charming person in the room because most people are brain

dead about this stuff. Okay?

And one of my best examples of this is somebody who was super shy and had a crush on this

guy at work. And she could not speak to him at all. And so, once she learned what I am

teaching you now. I was working with her. She started noting things about him. And so, at

first, we had to get them in communication at all. So, she had to learn to look in his eyes and

say, "Hi." She had been practicing follow-up questions, warm voice. She knew some things

about him because she did have a crush and paid attention, and would ask him things. And

she would remember when he said the name of his dog. He had a new puppy. She would ask

how it was going and asked by name. And she would remember where he was from. And one


day she asked him what his hometown had been like. And stuff like that. And for her, this was

super empowering because she had been very passive and like a little scared duckling. She

wasn't assertive at all about anything. But, she forged such a bond with this kind. And she'd

literally had a crush on him for, maybe, two years or so. They ended up marrying in the end.

It was such a bonding activity. And just the fact that she cared meant so much to him. He

could tell she got him. And so, this bond was forged that ended up in marriage. So, that's a

really good example of how far just paying attention to people and extending yourself to care

about them will take you. Okay?

Honoring another. That's another key to being charming. You want to try to always see the

sacred in others. This may not be the first time you've ever heard me mention it. But, even the

hardest person, the most toxic person deep down just wants love. And even in them is

sacredness. Underneath all the crap they're presenting, they are sacred and worthy of respect,

and worthy of honor, even if they're not acting perfectly. They're probably acting out of a

whim. Their "stay away" sign is huge if they're pushing people away with behavior or words,

acting out in any way. The more respect and attempt to honor others that you do, the more

charming you will be. It's not easy. And that's why in tandem with this, you and I want to work

on your becoming imperturbable, unbothered. Have a thick skin. Don't be easily offended.

And then, you'll be the one that this person treats the best. We've always known, every one of

us has known somebody who is really [unin 00:46:25] up, but there's one person that they act

nice to because that person honors them or sees beyond their script.

What is a script? A script is something that somebody hands you to tell you how to treat them.

People who don't think much of themselves will hand you a script that says, "I'm not worthy.

I'm not worth noticing. I'm not worthwhile. I have no value." They might have a stay away

script. "Stay the hell away from me. I'm toxic. You don't want to mess with me." Okay? And

nobody really wants to be lonely. That's a very lonely existence.

I had a client who had other issues we were working with. But, she was already charming. And

what she had was she had learned to see beyond other people's script. And so, I don't care

who it was, how lowly they were, how little they thought of themselves. She treated them like

they were important. Kind of like our dog, too. Everybody wanted to be near her, as we

employed some other techniques along with that. And we really played that up. She got a raise

at work. She met her guy. Everything fell in her lap because she was already pretty good at this

script. And she learned at this practice and she learned and got better at it.

Can you think of anybody in your life right now who does that? Maybe, you do it. Maybe,

that's not your issue, where it doesn't matter who they are. If it's your friend's husband, who

most people just kind of skirt over because he's shy and awkward and nobody notice him. And

then, you're the one who pays attention and honors him and really listens to him, that's the

kind of person you're looking for.


And for all of these things I'm teaching you, if you can find somebody to model it for you, it's

how we learned about it. You didn't become shut off in any way from charm, to start out with.

You were born with charm. Babies are charming, inherently. They're connected in. You

learned it from somebody, okay? Somebody in your life made you shut down. Somebody

taught you to be detached or remote in some way, or shy, whatever it is that prevents you

from being charming. And so, you can learn back how to be like little kids are, just open and

friendly and connected in. You can learn that just by emulating some of the things that we're

talking about, including honoring others. Okay?

I want to talk a minute about part of this, this key. And that is what to avoid entirely. You

don't want to pour out your heart for a long, long time, okay? That's not the way into a

relationship. If it's a new relationship, it's too early. This particularly applies to a dating

situation. If you're in love with someone, you don't want to say that. Okay? Because it'll push

them away. It's too soon. The early days of a relationship are delicate. And you don't want to

ever talk anything about a relationship, okay? If you've ever noticed somebody pouring out

their heart and there's somebody yawning, it's because it's too much. And it's all about you.

And it's not about the relationship, anyway. For now, I would avoid it like the plague. And I

would only connect, talk about other stuff, not you, the two of you. In any situation, this is

true. But, instead, just keep bonding and bonding and bonding. Because then, it's really fun at

the other person.

I had this happen with somebody, a client I was working with, where she had always been the

one to ask the guy, "Well, where is this headed? What are your intentions?" Which is a little

fear-based. Well, finally, she started practicing this and really holding off until a guy who she

was crazy about asked her, "Well, what are your intentions?" And she ended up marrying him.

Okay. And so, if you can hold off, you get such a reward. It's worth it. And this is not just true

in dating. It's kind of true in any relationship.

Another thing to avoid is over needing to express who you are, to the detriment of bonding.

This is particularly true with those of you with an expressive personality. You're so busy

establishing who you are and gushing about what you think about something, about your

experience, even how much you enjoyed them. You're not paying attention. Celebrities hate

that. If you start talking to one of them about how much you enjoyed their movie, how long

you've admired them, their eyes glaze over, because it's not about them, it's about your

experience of them. And they don't care that much. They get it all the time. Okay? And so, a

true way to connect is more everything we've been talking about, about noticing something

about them. What are you working on now? You could compliment on something and get

them talking about their watch or the basket they're carrying or anything like that. Okay? It's

a better way to go.

And so, don't be sending eight-paragraph text. Don't even send a five-sentence text. If you're

an oversharer like that with emails and with text, I invite you to start sending one decorative

statement, and then, one question to get them engaged. The engagement will win every time


over you overexpressing yourself. And if you're a talker, if you're an expressive personality,

the easiest thing, it's a new trick you're going to have to learn, but you will get rewarded and

rewarded as you actually engage in a relationship, rather than express yourself. If you need to

express that much, get on stage. Become a leader. Become a teacher. Have a forum. Become

a speaker where you can express. Don't think you're going to--

Let's say, I remember one lady I worked with. She was alone, lone, lone and she overexpressed

everywhere. Her family, they got sick of hearing her talk. She do it on dates because she was

so needy. And the days would go running for the hills. And so, when she learned this, she

finally met a guy. It was more equal. She has space to listen. They got married. And suddenly,

she was like a new person. She had her guy. She had her zone of expression. She had gotten

the reward for actually listening for a change. And her whole family suddenly felt too much

closer to her, because she was not needy anymore to express herself. She could listen. And it

was more balanced. And relationships can go deeper. Okay?

Talking about the relationship and the state of the relationship is another no-no. That's what

to avoid. Don't do it easily. So, we have been over-therapized in our society and it's another

really good follow-up module. Even if you're not at this place, it's still good to listen to the

material. It's so juicy. It's called "Get Him Begging to Commit." And it's one of the keys to

that, is don't you be the one to bring up the relationship. Usually, that's a fear-based activity

to do. Because you're scared, you're not going to get where you want to go. And it doesn't end

well. Anything that you do that's more fear-based and open-hearted, more fear-based and

faith-based out of being scared, because you're worried that you're not going to get what you're

going to do, just doesn't get a good result for you, as far as charm goes and bonding, okay?

And so, at the beginning stages of relationship, you don't want to talk about the relationship

and the state of it, at all. And it doesn't matter if it's your boss. How am I doing? Not a good

question to ask. You want to demonstrate it and you want to be sure of yourself. A lot of

research has shown that when you think you're likable, other people do. And so, the worst

question you could ever ask is, "Do you like me?", or, "How am I doing? Where does our

relationship stand?" Anything like that. It's too fear-based. It kind of exhibits you don't think

you're likable in that moment. And so, I would really, really avoid those questions. Avoid

talking about the relationship or the state of the relationship. Just let it evolve naturally, okay?

And wait for them to bring it up, if you can, until you're in a different stage. And that means

it's a very well-established, close relationship. Then, maybe, you could.

Another thing along these lines to really avoid is pushing for an agenda because this exhibits

a lack of trust. If you're trying to get her in bed on the first date, you got an agenda that's not

honoring at all of that other person. If you're a woman and you're trying to determine on the

first date if he's your guy, you've got a way big agenda. You've set an intention to get married

and your soulmate will come along. But, it's just not appropriate to do that at the beginning,

to try to get them to sit into what you have in mind, to get out your list and take off things

just see if they're there. It's too early. You got to give it a little time to see if there's chemistry.


A lot of times, chemistry grows as you come along. That's what I tell people. If you're online

dating, make it short and sweet, 20 minutes. But, for those 20 minutes, shelve your agenda

entirely, okay? Do 20-minute coffees. Shove your agenda. Try to see the sacred in them. Just

be with them. And if it goes well and you employ these techniques we're talking about, you

will definitely have more time with them, okay? It's very important.

Here's an example. I have a client who talked on the first date about the relationship, what it

meant, where they were headed, what they wanted. Of course, it was very premature. And far

too often, I have clients who, maybe, have been over-therapized and think, "I would just put

it out on the table." That's all well and good in time, once you have a more established

relationship. But, at the beginning, this is not the time. And so, the beginning stages of a

relationship are delicate and it just wasn't time. And so, of course, this guy never called her

again, couldn't get out of there fast enough and thought she was a little Looney Tunes. It's just

not appropriate. And so, if somebody told you it was. And you have to talk even three dates

in on how the relationship was or where it's headed, that's agenda-driven and is not

appropriate. If you concentrate on the bond between the two of you, everything else that

you've ever wanted will fall in place. You'll be sought after. Don't try to pin you down for

commitment, to pin you down to get engaged. They want to lock you in because they've never

met anybody as special as you. And it does put you head-and-shoulders over most people who

are fairly brain dead and don't know this topic your learning right now, okay?

Now, if you tend to talk, talk, talk and be expressive, it is charming in a way, and it fills the

space nicely. There's just a big need for people who are talkers, okay? But, sometimes, you can

suck the air out of a room, okay? It can leave no room for anybody else to get a word in

edgewise. And it loses its charm, if you can't listen at all. So, you need to make sure that your

conversational pattern, particularly, one-on-one, is they talk, you talk, they talk. Okay? It's

important that you ask questions, that you listen better. You don't have to insert your own

story in the midst of someone else's. You don't have to tell a 30-minute story, okay? Unless

you're on stage and you're a stand-up, unless you're on stage and a storyteller. If that's your

job, it's different. But, in everyday conversation, there's never a bigger bond-killer than

something like that. You are a monologist. In that case, you're not a conversationalist. And

conversation is where the bond lies.

And so, if you take over all the conversation all the time, we got to watch that. Your journey

will be to listen better.

I had a client who was very surfacey, who was a big, big talker. Great trouble listening. And

she wonder why it never went deep. Nobody ever called her. Or, if she made it to first date,

they wouldn't call back after that. Monologues are not connecting, and it certainly was true for

her. Everything changed when she learned to shut up. She learned everything that I'm teaching

you right now, to have a two-way conversation and listen better. It all changed for her. She

met a guy who liked her to be a chatterbox. Because she had learned to slow down and listen,

they bonded in a real way. And that was that. She used this newfound skill to get a raise at


work and finally make some deep true friends, something she hadn't done before because she

was such a talker. Okay.

And so, we got to go for the balance here. You don't have to be somebody you're not. But,

unless you're just going to be by yourself and it's all about you, you got to learn to form bonds

and relationships and really relate to people. Sometimes, I feel like that to defense to keep you

from being heard, if you're one of the people who do that. But, as you know, it bites you in

the butt. It's not good and it's not the way to what you want. I guarantee you that.

Now, on the other hand, if you're on the quiet, reserved side, you need to talk a bit more. You

need to disclose something. Remember, I mentioned research earlier, in which studies find

that if you are tight-lipped and you don't disclose anything about yourself, the person will peg

you as shut down. Even if this is just your natural way of being, they won't get it. They project

stuff on you that you're not safe, that you're judging, even if you're not. So, it puts people at

ease for you to reveal something of yourself. You don't have to go wild with it and reveal

everything, because it, probably, would feel very uncomfortable for you. And you don't have

to get into super-sensitive topics. But, you do need to be forthcoming about some things about

you. And not to the detriment of listening to others. It's fine for them to talk more than you,

but you need to say something about yourself to put them at ease. All right?

I have a client who finally did start talking about herself. If somebody else talked too much,

she would actually insert something about herself. If you encounter a talker and you just let

them monologue for 90 minutes, and then you come away complaining about them, that's on

you. You actually did something wrong, believe it or not. You have control of a conversation,

too. And so, in that case, because they're rude enough to talk for 90 minutes straight without

any kind of break for you to talk, they're just looking for a stage. You didn't sign up to be that

stage. That was rude of them. In that case, it is fine for you to take over and interrupt. You

can draw a boundary and leave and smile, be charming about it, and just say, "I'm done."

Probably, not somebody you want to be friends with, anyway. Or, you can take charge of the

conversation and insert something about yourself, okay? This is what this client had to learn

to do because she was so quiet. She would attract talkers. And then, they would complain she

shut down. And meanwhile, she's not getting a word in edgewise. And it was just trapped,

pinned down by somebody who's a talker. And so, once she learned to talk about herself,

people warmed up to her. She made better friends. The people who were monologue is one

who's attracted to her because she wasn't just like a mirror. She wasn't like an audience for

them anymore. Okay? And so, I invite you, if you've been in those situations and you're quiet,

I invite you to draw a boundary. This is on you and you have no right to complain later because

you didn't rein it in. You didn't extricate yourself from it. You didn't insert something about

yourself. And that's on you. And so, if you're a real quiet type, I want you to get used to

inserting something about yourself. I want you to draw some boundaries if somebody's over-

talking, because it's not good for them and it's not good for you, either. Okay? Because then,


they walk away feeling like you didn't open up. And you feel resentful because they talked your

ear off. And you had better things to do. Okay?

Let's talk about building your own mystique. You don't need to be overly available all the time.

A lot of studies show, and this is really, really weird. I'm going to get into it in a minute. But,

if you're not available, it's better. If you're not always at anybody's beck and call. It's a little too

much like a doormat. It's a little too much like, "Oh, I don't have anything better going on,"

okay? And so, you don't want to be overly available. And I don't mean this is playing games. I

mean, it's just too much.

I had a guy client who I've never seen any more stubborn. He was in his 50's when he got

introduced to my work. And I finally started working with him for 30 years. When he met a

woman he liked, he would put it all on the table, I swear, on the first date. Every time. And

over 30 years, he had heartbreak after heartbreak. And his big excuse is, "I want to be myself.

I don't want to play games." And I'm like, "You know, the fact is that you may not be playing

games, but you're not being very honoring of the other person. You're putting on it and you're

putting your agenda first. You're not really seeing who they are, their own pace, that they need

to go slower. And so, they get really turned off by that." And he hadn't thought of it that way,

that he actually was being fairly selfish, letting it all hang out, not giving the other person a

chance to catch up. And so, it was like pulling teeth to get him to rein it in. But, he had to

admit that in 30 years, he never, ever had a good situation like that. And we both agreed that

part of it was probably deliberately sabotaging himself because he was terrified of getting

married and actually getting in a relationship. Well, guess what happened. He ended up

marrying a woman. The next woman he dated, he reined it in. And so, he was a naturally really

charming, good listening kind of guy. But, instead, he quit talking about his feelings and

concentrated on the relationship developing and not being completely available and just

putting it all out there and want to see her every minute of the night and day. Because in those

periods, he would neglect his business and it would go downhill. Instead, he kept in balance.

He didn't try to reach out all the time. He reined it in. And this is what has probably worked

out for him. And it was really hard to get him to do that. And so, we had to reframe it in a

different way. He had it pegged that he had to play games. And this really isn't about this. We

are grown-ups here, okay?

And so, in a minute, I'm going to talk to you about being a grown-up and why it's different

now than what he thought it was. Don't ever share or over-text. No one will ever get to the

bottom of you. You are naturally mysterious. Act like it, okay? I've talked about this a little

before. And so, yes, of course, you want to share about. You don't go into that 90-minute

monologue or even a 20-minute story. It's too much. Don't put everything out there. Honor

who you are. Because you are mysterious, act like it, okay? It's more in keeping with who you

are.

A lot of research shows this next thing, that people fight me on sometimes, works well. And

so, I would end conversations first, in-text exchanges, first. And don't over-say, "You're


welcome." Okay? A lot of research shows that if you begin a conversation, "Well, I've only

got a minute", or, "I don't have much time here, but" And then, you start talking, they already

have a way out. For some reason, freedom is a bigger need of every one of us than love or

connection. And so, we always want to have a little backdoor available. None of us want to

get trapped by somebody overly desperate or overly needy. As I've mentioned in many of my

work, neediness repels, desperation repels. And so, when you say that, you're kind of honoring

the little backdoor we all need for freedom. They're not going to be trapped in some long

conversation with you, okay?

This is why if you are getting involved with somebody, I don't recommend you ever overstay

your welcome. Have an appointment after the first date. So, maybe, you extended. It's a good

date. So, it's past 20 minutes. But, you're not going to spend three to five hours. Every 90

minutes or two hours, cap things. Leave before you've overstayed your welcome. Don't spend

a night. I mean, I know that far. But, I do recommend to people when you're with them, be

the most warm, charming person you can be. And so, the way you're going to be unavailable

is not by being mean or cold, or anything like that. Never any negative bids, whatsoever. You're

just going to be a little less available because you do have a life. You have balance or you need

balance, if you don't have it. You have other obligations. All of us do. Do that. Spend time

with friends. Get busy at work. Have goals. Maybe, even date other people so you have eggs

in other baskets, okay?

And so, this is critically important and it is part of building your own mystique. I'll give you

my best example lately that I have. I have a student who attracted the best guy she had ever

dated. He was everything she wanted, and more. But, in the beginning of the relationship,

she's quite the chatty cat, that she over-disclosed, she over-communicated. She was just there

all the time. And this guy would fall out sometimes. He disappears. And sometimes, he would

just, out of the blue, turn cold. And I don't know if he is the best person in the world, but they

did seem to fit in every other way. And he was everything she'd wanted. And so, I had to rein

her in. And believe me, it wasn't easy. And she learned the hard way, because what she was

doing really didn't work. And she was scared to death she was going to blow it with him. So,

one time, he asked her too late for a Saturday night date. She already had plans because she

wasn't waiting around for him as we work together. And, oh, he was desperate for her after

that and she couldn't see him until the next Tuesday. And he was on his best behavior. He

brought flowers. And then, she ended that date because she did have to work the next morning

and we'd already discussed not letting it go on too long. And so, she had to learn this new

behavior. This behavior included not explaining everything. I had my Mary Poppins saying.

Mary Poppins said it. She said, "I never explain everything." She said it to her boss. And so,

it's a quote I often use. Because if you over-explain, it's like you get defensive in a way and

kind of a form of argument; or, somehow, "I'm not okay, so I had to really explain this." It

wasn't attractive. She kept over-explaining herself about stuff. She had to learn to not do that.

She had to learn to not talk quite as much and over-communicate every single thing, not tell

him every single thing she was doing, and not be there all the time. It was a big journey for


her because it was so against everything that she had ever done. But, what she had done, she

was in her 50's, so it had been a lifetime of misery for her. She always was taken for granted.

The guy would never propose. And now, this guy, who's a pretty big deal, is really serious

about her. He finally committed to her. They seem to be going toward engagement and

marriage. He's including her in his life in ways he didn't before. And so, it was a big lesson and

hard for her, but it is paid off in a very, very big way.

Now, what I want to talk to you is about being a grown-up. When you were a kid and you

don't get what you want, you have a tantrum. As we know from kids, like all the videos of kids

being inappropriate in some way, kids don't have any ability to hold anything in. They don't

know anything about delayed gratification. They want everything that minute. And as we grow

up, we learn to moderate this. We learn to not be as impulsive. We learn to hold rein ourselves

and to have some impulse control because it'll pay off later. And so, one of the biggest factors

we have to learn if we're going to be charming is delayed gratification. You don't have to have

everything that you need that minute. You don't have to have every reassurance you need,

because it's just kind of scratching an itch when there's a longer-term relationship to think

about.

And so, how to do that? You need to practice everything that we've learned here. And that

includes not needing to know where the relationship is every second. You need to learn how

to not judge everything right away and they didn't answer that minute and not decide whether

they fit or not on the first date. And not even be crushed if you have one bump in the road.

One big mistake that I see people make, let's say they've had a drama at work or they had

something that didn't turn out well and they need reassurance that minute. We need to learn

to self soothe, rather than put that on somebody out. And this really applies to dating. Okay?

You don't want to be crushed if you don't hear from somebody for a minute. They may need

to make sure they have that back door open that they can get space when they need it, that

you're not that needy. So, you need to practice delayed gratification than trying to immediately

text to get in contact, to scratch that temporary itch. If you can practice delayed gratification,

you will get what you want in a much bigger way than scratching that little itch will get you. If

you can put things off, if you can shove your agenda in the early stages until you really have a

bond, it will pay off in more ways than you could imagine.

As adults, we have to learn about delayed gratification. And most of us have learned in some

ways. But, if there's something that's been a hot button issue, let's say relationship, at all, with

dating, or relationship even at work, office politics, we can abandon all the delayed gratification

we ever learned because we feel off-centered. And that's why, in my teaching, I teach us how

to self-source and self-soothe. And so, self-soothing is literally another class that I have for

my private clients as it solve your sourcing problem. Okay?

When you learn to do that, it's very powerful because you don't need anything from anybody.

And it is quite magnetic. And so, we have to learn about delayed gratification because we're


no longer three-year-olds who have a tantrum if we don't get what we want, the reassurance

that minute or anything else. Okay?

It will serve you in untold ways if you can wait for a person to catch up with you emotionally.

If you can go at their pace, shoving your agenda like that one client I told you about, if you

can become a better listener, shove your short-term snap judgments or need to scratch an itch

or any feeling of temporary failure for the longer goal. And so, this is where one of the tools

to learn is self-soothing, so you don't have to put it out on somebody else. It will sabotage you

in the long run. It really will. It is much easier for you to get what you want. Rather than scratch

that itch right away, you can put it on hold for a bit. Self-source, self-sooth, to allow things to

develop, to grow, and to bond, okay?

Then, once you get the bond, it is a different ballgame and we can do different things. I would

never abandon being charming, but you can go deeper. Once you get bonded, it is really hard

to break that bond, as I've seen with all the release work I do. It's hard to break it. There's a

lot of leeway on there, but you just want to be careful at first and you want to really practice

the connecting, okay? If you can practice delayed gratification, you'll be in his or her arms for

a lifetime of love, of passion, and everything else that you want. You'll get your promotion.

You'll get the money. You'll get the friendship, where it's the best friend who wants to be with

you and puts you above everybody else. You'll get everything that you want.

The rule here you may have been sussing out from everything I've been saying is don't break

your rapport for anything. Watch it, okay? Don't break your rapport for anything. I want you

to watch your insecurities. They could take away from bonding in ridiculous ways. It goes

along with the self-sabotage and self-sourcing that I'm telling you about. If you get self-

conscious, you suddenly become very self-absorbed, and that will take you away from being

able to be present and bond with the other person before you. You just broke the rapport,

okay?

An example is a client who, on the first day, she disclosed all of her shortcomings and faults.

She would say and do the wrong things. Her self-consciousness would overcome her. And she

self-sabotage in just about every way you could ever imagine. We had to stop that and think

of the other person. And then, at that point, she did become very popular in dating.

Now, along these lines of making sure you stay balanced and you don't self-sabotage, when

you're not together, don't obsess about them. Get busy with the rest of your life. Tell yourself,

"Well, if it's meant to be, it'll work out. And I'm really doing my charm offensive well." Do

not send five-plus line text. Something we've talked about before. Do not leave a bunch

voicemails. Recently, in the news, there was this woman who went on first date. And when

the guy didn't text her back right away, she left him 1,000 voicemails. I will see if she has some

issues. Don't even do that a little bit. Okay? Get a grip on yourself. Self-soothe. Focus on the

rest of your life. We need balance. You have other things to do. Do them, okay? Possibly, eggs

in other baskets to keep you from getting needy. And this applies to just about any place that


you are. If you're doing job interviews, always have other interviews and headhunters and

opportunities going on, okay? If you're dating, always date other people. Always keep your

online profile to the moment that you're committed and the other person brings it up and it's

clear it's a commitment. Not, "Oh, I'm not sleeping with anybody else." That doesn't count.

That's not a real commitment, whatsoever, okay? Because it's going to help you to kind of take

the edge off being needy with that other person. It keeps your attention distracted. Do other,

take some other big risk in any part of your life. Keep yourself busy, so you don't obsess.

Desperation is repellent. Obsessing about somebody, also, will push them away energetically,

even if you manage not to do anything or act off-center, okay? Neediness repels, as we talked.

Overstaying your welcome too early often repels. So, I would always leave first. I'd always

leave a little bit before you think you should. Don't stay at their house the whole weekend, for

God's sake, okay? But, always stay warm. Exit graciously. Tell them what a great time you had.

You don't have to tell them what your next day entails, every detail, whatsoever, okay? You

don't have to reassure them that you don't have another date. It's none of their business. And

part of the understanding, at least, as far as dating is concerned, is you don't owe an

explanation. And the assumption is you're trying them on for size and you might be trying on

other people. Guys seem to know this better than women. But, it's true and there's nothing

wrong with it. And so, act like that, instead of, perhaps, other ways that you think you should

act, which really haven't worked in your favor.

So, let's get to your homework. Notice when your heart is open and notice how you feel, okay?

Seek to emulate this at other times when you might shut down. So, notice how you're acting

toward your pet, towards a baby, towards someone who you feel super comfortable with,

when you're heart-centered when your heart is going out to somebody. Also, notice it in others

because, then, you can emulate them as well. The role models and models of behavior are very

valuable to all of us, for whom all this doesn't come naturally. And even if you do, you can get

better at it.

Number two homework. If you get self-conscious, do what we did with my client who I gave

as an example. Shift your focus to the other person and engaging them. Think about them,

instead, okay? It's a selfish thing to do when you get self-conscious.

Number three, practice your warm voice. Ask friends if it's really warm. Practice, if you have

to, recording yourself. Talk to the mirror. Cultivate a warm voice. Warmth and compassion

for everybody. Do this in advance, so when it really comes, like when you meet somebody

you're intimidated by or somebody you're super attracted to, and then, you're prepared, okay?

And all that practice makes you kick into charm mode automatically.

Number four. Start watching your bids between you and anyone else. Even on TV or films

you watch, look for the ones who are warm. Look for charm as depicted on the screen or in

reality TV. And it's a great model for you. Notice when someone is warm and gives a positive

bid and how nice it makes you feel and how open they seem. Notice when someone gives a


really negative bid. And I want you to become a more immune to that, as we work on you

becoming unbothered and a bit imperturbable. But, notice its effect. Because sometimes,

somebody will do it to group and the whole group kind of recoils. Okay?

And notice neutral bids. They're okay, but they're not super charming. How do you feel when

you get these kinds of bids? Practice giving positive bids with the only exception being where

you need to draw a boundary. And then, you can learn to draw gentle boundaries than suddenly

explode in somebody's face. People who do that have been building up and have not been

communicating in a very good way. But, if you could start doing boundaries more regularly,

their resentment will dissipate and you're not going to go from being just fine to exploding in

somebody's face anymore.

Number five. When in conversation, start practicing follow-up questions. If you know you'll

meet someone in advance, find out what you can about them and form some questions you'd

like to ask them about themselves. Do your homework, okay? Listen carefully. Learn to do

that and form solid follow-up questions to ask. Get good at this because research says it's so

very effective. It literally will determine if you get a second date, right? Practice the back-and-

forth, rather than a monologue on either side. And if somebody is trying to do a monologue,

take responsibility there and don't let that happen. It will not serve either one of you.

And number six, go through these notes. Listen to the audio again. I talk fast and I have

packed a lot in this class. And make note of where you've fallen short. Practice the cure to

those things that you've seen from this research-backed material that I've given you here.

I want to give you two bonus tips before we end. Bonus Tip Number One: laugh more easily.

Don't take things too seriously anymore. Get less easily offended, if this has been an issue for

you. Take things lightly and flirt as you connect more. I have a separate Find Your Inner Flirt

module. We all have a flirt style, even the shyest amongst us. And we want to find that and we

want to use it. Winking is the very easiest flirt tactic you could ever use. But, you want to

lighten up. That is part of being charming. The lighter people are always more charming. You

don't have to always be that way if you tend to be [unin 01:19:48]. I can think of Anderson

Cooper, the reporter on, I think, it's CNN. But, he's famous and there are viral videos of him

giggling like a kid because he is so serious and he's a news presenter. And there are other

people like that. And it makes people like him more that he has that side to him as serious as

he can be.

Bonus Tip Number Two: lean back and relax. Let the law of attraction magnetize who and

what you want, rather than pushing for anything. It's hard if you've been a naturally assertive,

driver personality, but it's going to be a relief. You're going to get magnetic just by practicing

everything you've learned here. And a lot more will fall in your lap and you won't have to be

so pushy. And it's so much easier to do that. You're lined up with it better with what you want.

It's a more confident stance to lean back. And as you practice this charm process, you will

have plenty coming for you seeking you out. You truly do become magnetic. Okay?


So, once you get good at these techniques, becoming charming in the process, you should see

a huge shift in your life. You will feel more connected, more self-assured at the results you're

getting, and you know what you're doing, how to connect when you want to or when you need

to.

I bless you for becoming one of the most charming people around. You are well on your way

just right this minute by listening to this class. So, I send you so much love and you and I will

connect again very soon. Bye, for now.

Once you get good at these techniques, becoming charming in

the process, you should see a huge shift in your life. You will

feel more connected, more self-assured at the results you are

getting and know what you are doing – how to connect when

you want or need to.

I bless you for becoming one of the most charming people

around. You’re well on your way right now!

Love & support,

Kathryn


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