MARCH 2009 3

DO’S & DON’TS FOR SELLING CRAP FAT BASTARD TO A GOOD HOME

FreeTradeUnicycle Lawnmowers, stupid clocks and pink plastic flamingos.

SightSeeingEverybody poops...in public places?

HaikuHotelrandom musings without meaning.

M A RC H 2 0 0 9

cl

EVERYTHING YOU LOVE ABOUT CRAIGSLIST. GET YOUR DAILY DOSE OF FREE JUNK, MORONIC RANTS, CRAZY STORIES AND CHEAP FINDS

Do’s & Don’ts for selling crap on craigslist, how to not be a fucking idiot online.

28Fat Bastard free to a good home... extreme cat-lovers only!

34Your momHaving the sex sexy talk with your mom.

69 WTFPetrified RacoonUnicycle lawnmowerStupid clockPink Plastic Flamingos 02OMGEverybody Poops...sightings in public places.Haiku HotelRants and Raves 04FYIYou need this info.More info, MORE!

16FYADesperate personalsBattle RoyaleROFL

25CL on the DLGet down craigslist style.Everything you ever wanted to know about cl, but were too stupid to ask.

42

photogr aph by Chelsey Br i s lawn

cl4 MARCH 2009

Yes, it’s somehow petrified. Found in a crawlspace. Feels like paper mache. No odor at all. Still even has some wiskers! Pretty cool.

Petrified racoon$50

MARCH 2009 5

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cl6 MARCH 2009

photos f rom www.cr a igs l i s t . com

Stupid clock with day, month and date read out.I bought th i s s tup id c loc k on E-Bay f o r my 86-yea r o ld aunt , bec ause she i s ge t t ing con fused . Unfo r tuna te l y, I d idn’t re a l i z e un t i l i t a r r i ved tha t you have to manua l l y change e ve r y th ing , e ve r y day, excep t the t ime . Eve r y day. P ush th ree bu t tons . I f you fo rge t f o r a day, o r on l y push two bu t tons , the l a rge , b l ac k and whi t e read-out tha t i s so ea sy to read , i s w rong. I f ound i t made he r e ven more con fused . I f the s tup id c loc k s a id someth ing , she be l i e ved i t . I wou ld c a l l he r up and t e l l he r wha t day i t i s and she wou ld a rgue w i th me, bec ause he r s tup id c loc k s a id some-th ing d i f f e ren t . S tup id c loc k . I bought he r a ne w one tha t au tomat i c a l l y changes e ve r y day. Th i s s tup id , ba t t e r y ope r a t ed c loc k i s f re e to whom-e ve r want s i t . You w i l l f ind i t e a s i e r to work in ha rmony w i th i t i f you a re a f a i r l y cogn iz an t pe r son . On the o the r hand , i f you a re no t a l way s cogn iz an t and want to d r i ve your f ami l y c r az y, th i s i s the P ERFECT c loc k f o r you .

Duck MaskFul l head r ubbe r mask , o ld , ha s d i s co lo r a t ion on wh i t e f e a the r pa r t f rom age , s to r age . Hey I go t i t on my b ig head , so i t works tha t way.

PINK PLASTIC LAWN FLAMINGOSThree p ink p l a s t i c l awn f l amingos , the momma, the daddy and two bab i e s . In good shape excep t the momma has a bu l l e t ho l e . W i l l t r ade f o r a good dog o r weed ea t e r, w i l l a l so cons ide r any k ind o f a l coho l a s l ong a s i t a in’t been opened up.

Unicycle LawnmowerL ook ing fo r a more ou t o f the box way to e xce r s i z e ? Be the coo l e s t guy on your s t ree t cu t t ing the l awn wi th th i s bad boy. You c an s ave ga s and ge t those roc k ha rd abs you a l way s wanted . Th i s b ike w i l l cu t your g r a s s to emacu l a t e cond i t ions ! I t comes s toc k w i th th i s excen t r i c two- tone s ea t . The r u s t on the mower g i ve s i t an an t ique look tha t w i l l have the c a t l ady nex t door go ing w i ld f o r your l o in s . For Ten ex t r a do l l a r s I c an th row in a ba ske t and head l igh t . I s your k id bounc ing o f f the wa l l s ? I ’ l l e ven th row in some t r a in ing whee l s so you c an pu t tha t ba s t a rd to work . Th i s mode l i s a th ree speed so you c an rea l l y t e a r i t up. Do your ne ighbor k id s have an annoy ing b ike r amp in the s t ree t s a l l the t ime? Wel l snag tha t suc ke r and s e t i t up in f ron t o f your t ree s , th i s bad-mothe r w i l l e a s i l y c a t ch 6-7 f ee t o f a i r a l l owing you to t r im those t roub l ing b r anches , a s we l l a s demol i sh ing the r amp in to ob l i v ion so those damn k id s won’t be ga the r ing in f ron t o f your house to p r ac t i c e f o r the x - games . Comes w i th your cho i ce o f 12/40 oz bee r ho lde r tha t doub le s a s an a sh t r ay.

MARCH 2009 7

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micekudashes ac ro s s f l oo rthe th rown shoe ba re l y mi s s e s ,

sma l l sh i t s in cupboard~bai ts thetr ap

Hitchcock There i s no t e r ro r

in the bang, on l y in thean t i c ipa t ion

~pukindog

Unhappy Posters should.... s t a r t a ne w fo r uml ike ha iku mote l o r ha iku

bro the l~EL_Trol l

Broom, Hm a f t e r a two- t iming conve r sa t iona condom fa l l s to the f l oo r

f rom h i s hand~MyAmourButtons

To my neighbor who I saw pooping

in his yard yesterday... I s aw you couched down wi th your

pan t s a round your ank l e s . I a sked “ Hey,

wha t a re you do ing? ” . Your rep l y was

“ Poop ing in a g roundhog ho l e ! I re ad

about i t on l ine . I t ’s suppose to t r i c k the

g roundhog in to th ink ing ano the r an ima l

ha s moved in to i t ’s l a i r. ” S ince you a re

norma l l y a s ane pe r son I re f r a ined f rom

c a l l ing the po l i c e .

Haiku

The girl who took a dump in the Art Institute parking lot! I mean, come on!

I t was l i ke 50 pace s to the nea re s t re s t room! I s a t the re in my c a r wonder ing wha t the he l l you were up to - you spent a t l e a s t 2 minute s s cu r r y ing a round your pa rked c a r, l ook ing to s ee i f the coa s t was c l e a r. I thought you were go ing to, l i ke , b reak in to someone e l s e ’s c a r o r someth ing . Then I gue s sed you thought you were “s a f e ” and hur r i ed to the f ron t o f your c a r, nea r the th i rd l e ve l s t a i r we l l , d ropped your pan t s , squa t t ed and WENT TO I T!

For Chr i s t ’s s ake , woman ! A l l the t ime you spent l ook ing ou t f o r pa s s ing c a r s so no one wou ld s ee you c r app ing l i ke a dog in pub l i c , you cou ld have hus t l ed your l a z y a s s down-s t a i r s and in to the bu i ld ing and USED T H E DAMNED REST RO OM!

Sheesh!

Anyway - i f you ’re f ree l a t e r, d rop me a l ine . I was ne ve r more tu rned on in my l i f e . .

I l lus t r

at ion by C

helsey Br i s

lawn

for selling crap on

10 MARCH 2009 cl

B oth reasons are fine, but there are too many people going about it wrong, so I ’ve put together this nice l ist of faq’s for you to help you in your journey.

Q: Why aren’t people leaping out the door to buy my upholstered 1980’s sofa for $900?

A: Cuz most people aren’t fucking stupid. 1980’s isn’t vintage yet (despite what VH1 wants you to believe) and no fool is paying 900 bucks for a sofa with 1 1/2 armrests, a giant hole in the middle, and br ight green fabr ic with ketchup stains on it . Time to move that bad boy on to the free section of CL. Get it out of your house now. It ’s embarrassing. Hopeful ly you dont have people over. Shame on you!

Q: My postings been up every day for 7 months. Why hasn’t it sold? I’m asking a good price and tell people that I can email them a pic upon request?

A: People are too fucking lazy. One of CL’s best features is browsing. Who the hel l wants to take the t ime to email you to ask for a picture? Have you SEEN some of the stuff up for sale? P lus you look l ike a douche for not posting the pic in the first place. You can’t tel l people you have a pic and not put it up. Retard.

Q: My furniture is all new, but I have to sell it quick because I’m moving to the other side of the country. Why isn’t my stuff selling fast?

A: Because you can’t post an ugly ass dining room set up for 2000 firm that you “or iginal ly spent 4000 on 3 months ago” and expect to get it . Why should I have to pay for your horr ible taste in furniture? You bought it .

Lower your pr ice to 500 and thank your lucky stars you’re getting that. Oh. And when you move into your new place on the other side of the countr y- HIRE A F UCKING DECORATOR. You shouldn’t be al lowed to buy your own furniture anymore-unless you plan on keeping it for l i fe.

Q: I bought a new desk for my computer so I’m selling my old one. Why is no one buying it?

A: Because you’re asking for $275 for a VENEER desk! What are you crazy? It ’s not even real wood! Try 50 and you may get a few bites. Hel l I can go to Walmart and buy a brand new veneer desk for 40 bucks. Come on.

Q: Oh yeah smart ass? My desk is made out of oak and no one will buy it for $325. Answer me that one.

A: Look at your pic of the desk again. IT ’S FROM THE 70’s! Just because it ’s real wood doesn’t make up for the fact that IT ’S F UCKING UGLY. You might get $100 from some poor sap if you’re lucky.

Q: My bedroom set has been sitting in my garage for 5 months. I’m asking a reasonable price. How come no one will buy it?

A: Chances are if i t ’s been sitt ing in your garage for 5 months it ’s probably not smell ing ver y nice-especial ly i f i t ’s a mattress. Would you want to put your face down on that now? Mark it down to half of what you’re asking and you may get your garage back.. . for things a garage is supposed to be used for. . . l ike parking cars. AND STOP PU TTING F URNITURE IN THE GARAGE! Or outside for that matter. Who the hel l wants to buy a couch or mattress that ’s outside ly ing on the

ground in the pics you post? What is the matter with you people? We’re looking to buy furniture yeah, but we ’re not fucking homeless.

Q: I have a beautiful and elegant entertainment center up, but no one has emailed or called me about it. Why?

A: Oh for the love of god. If there ’s one problem that has been troubling poor poor CL for the longest t ime.. .ABUSE OF ADJECTIVES. Try looking up the meaning to the words you put in your descr iption. If they don’t match your item, DON’T PU T IT IN THE AD! How many times have I fucking seen the words “Elegant ” “Unique” “Beautiful” “Gorgeous” “Modern” “Spectacular ” and “Custom”posted in ads that just aren’t true? I ’ l l tel l you. 198,983 times. Here ’s what these words real ly mean when you see them on CL:

Elegant ≈ fucking old. Unique ≈ fucking ugly.Beautiful ≈ if I was blind.Gorgeous ≈ seller is on crack. Modern ≈ probably from the late 1980’s to mid 1990’s. Spectacular ≈ overeagerness to unload obvious peice of shit.Custom ≈ so fucking ugly there’s only one in the world thank god.

General ly- just tr y to pr ice your items more reasonably. You’re not getting over 1000 for a couch- unless it ’s new and made of leather. You’re not getting 3 grand for your bedroom set-unless it also fucking makes you pancakes. You’re not getting 500 for a cheap ass entertainment center that can be bought new at a store for cheaper. Let it go. Stop being a t ight ass. Try using pr ices that someone may actual ly pay.

do people just turn into fucking idiots online?

Let’sbehonest,whatyou’reselling

you’resellingfor2reasons:

1.Whatyou’resellingiscrap,youkn

owit,

anddesperatelywanttogetridofit.

2.Youneedthemoney.

{}from best of craigslist

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of the week:

rating: totally awsome I’d buy it seller is wacked dumpster donation

Action FigureMJ & Blanket

MARCH 2009 11