CLASS 10EWRT 1A

AGENDA0Surface Revision: Essay #2 0Lecture: The Novel/Feinberg/ Passing to avoid

restrictions 0Discussion: SBB 0 In-class writing: Explore a moment when Jess

intentionally passes. How does this experience change who ze is? How do you know? Then pick one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this affect hir in the same way? How do you know?

SURFACE REVISION

EDITING YOUR REVISED ESSAY

Common Writing Errors

Wordiness

Often writers use several words for ideas that can be expressed in one. This leads to unnecessarily complex sentences and genuine redundancy

as the following examples show:

Redundant Not Redundant0 The printer is located

adjacent to the computer0 The printer is located in the

immediate vicinity of the computer

0 The user can visibly see the image moving

0 He wore a shirt that was blue in color

0 The input is suitably processed

0 The printer is adjacent to the computer

0 The printer is near the computer

0 The user can see the image moving

0 He wore a blue shirt.0 The input is processed

Now you try it. Write this sentence in as few words as possible without changing the meaning!

0The available receptacle, in any case, was of insufficient size to contain the total quantity of unnecessary waste.

How to reduce wordiness!01. Reduce Long Clauses0When editing, try to

reduce long clauses to shorter phrases:

0Wordy: The clown who was in the center ring was riding a tricycle.

0Revised: The clown in the center ring was riding a tricycle.

02. Reduce Phrases0Likewise, try to reduce

phrases to single words:0Wordy: The clown at the

end of the line tried to sweep up the spotlight.

0Revised: The last clown tried to sweep up the spotlight.

Eliminating Wordiness Strategies

0 3. Avoid Empty Openers0 Avoid There is, There are, and

There were as sentence openers when There adds nothing to the meaning of a sentence:

0 Wordy: There is a prize in every box of Quacko cereal.

0 Revised: A prize is in every box of Quacko cereal.

0 Wordy: There are two security guards at the gate.

0 Revised: Two security guards stand at the gate.

0 4. Don’t Overwork Modifiers0 Do not overwork very, really,

totally, and other modifiers that add little or nothing to the meaning of a sentence.

0 Wordy: By the time she got home, Merdine was very tired.

0 Revised: By the time she got home, Merdine was exhausted

0 Wordy: She was also really hungry.

0 Revised: She was also hungry [or famished].

Eliminating Wordiness

05. Avoid Redundancies0Replace redundant expressions (phrases that use

more words than necessary to make a point) with precise words. Remember: needless words are those that add nothing (or nothing significant) to the meaning of our writing. They bore the reader and distract from our ideas. So cut them out!

0Wordy: At this point in time, we should edit our work.0Revised: Now we should edit our work.

Try these!

1. He dropped out of school on account of the fact that it was necessary for him to help support his family.2. It is expected that the new schedule will be announced by the bus company within the next few days.3. There are many ways in which a student who is interested in meeting foreign students may come to know one.4. It is very unusual to find someone who has never told a deliberate lie on purpose.5. Trouble is caused when people disobey rules that have been established for the safety of all.

Possible Answers

1. He dropped out of school to support his family.2. The bus company will probably announce its

schedule during the next few days.3. Any student who wants to meet foreign students can

do so in many ways.4. Rarely will you find someone who has never told a

deliberate lie.5. Disobeying safety regulations causes trouble.

Edit for Wordiness

0Check your essay for wordiness. Look for a sentences that fall into one of the categories we just discussed. Edit for clarity and conciseness.

Punctuation

Compound Sentence

0A compound sentence is made up of two or more simple sentences joined by one of the following:

0A comma and a coordinating conjunction0I like to study grammar, and I love this class.

0A semicolon0I like to study grammar; I love this class.

0A semicolon and an adverbial conjunction0I like to study grammar; therefore, I love this

class.

Coordinating ConjunctionsCoordinating Conjunctions are used to join together two independent clauses.

0For0And0Nor0But0Or0Yet0So

COMPOUND SENTENCE:adverbial conjunctions

MOREOVER

HOWEVER

NEVERTHELESS

OTHERWISE

THEREFORE

COMPOUND SENTENCE:CONJUNCTIVE ADVERBS

Thomas is cool; moreover, he is fashionable

.

Luke’s grandmother buys him sweaters; however, he does not wear them.

Clause 1 Clause 2

Independent Independent

Editing for Run-On Sentences

Look for compound sentences in your essay. Make sure you are using both a comma and a conjunction. Example: , and

Look to make sure that you have used a semi-colon (not a comma) to connect two complete sentences. Example: sentence one; sentence two

Look for adverbial conjunctions; make sure you have punctuated those sentences correctly. Example ; however,

Common Writing ErrorsDangling modifiers

Dangling ModifiersA dangling modifier is a word or phrase that modifies a word not clearly stated in the sentence. A modifier describes, clarifies, or gives more detail about a concept.

Having finished the assignment, Jill turned on the TV.

"Having finished" states an action but does not name the doer of that action. In English sentences, the doer must be the subject of the main clause that follows. In this sentence, it is Jill. She seems logically to be the one doing the action ("having finished"), and this sentence therefore does not have a dangling modifier.

The following sentence has an incorrect usage:

Having finished the assignment, the TV was turned on.

"Having finished" is a participle expressing action, but the doer is not the TV set (the subject of the main clause): TV sets don't finish assignments. Since the doer of the action expressed in the participle has not been clearly stated, the participial phrase is said to be a dangling modifier.

Strategies for revising dangling modifiers:

1. Name the appropriate or logical doer of the action as the subject of the main clause:

Having arrived late for practice, a written excuse was needed.

Who arrived late? This sentence says that the written excuse arrived late. To revise, decide who actually arrived late. The possible revision might look like this:

Having arrived late for practice, the team captain needed a written excuse.

2. Change the phrase that dangles into a complete introductory clause by naming the doer of the action in that clause:

Without knowing his name, it was difficult to introduce him.

Who didn't know his name? This sentence says that "it" didn't know his name. To revise, decide who was trying to introduce him. The revision might look something like this:

Because Maria did not know his name, it was difficult to introduce him.

The phrase is now a complete introductory clause; it does not modify any other part of the sentence, so is not considered "dangling."

3. Combine the phrase and main clause into one:

To improve his results, the experiment was done again.

Who wanted to improve results? This sentence says that the experiment was trying to improve its own results. To revise, combine the phrase and the main clause into one sentence. The revision might look something like this:

He improved his results by doing the experiment again.

1. After reading the original study, the article remains unconvincing.

2. Relieved of your responsibilities at your job, your home should be a place to relax.

3. The experiment was a failure, not having studied the lab manual carefully.

Are these correct?

Incorrect: After reading the original study, the article remains unconvincing.

Revised: After reading the original study, I find the article unconvincing.

Incorrect: Relieved of your responsibilities at your job, your home should be a place to relax.

Revised: Relieved of your responsibilities at your job, you should be able to relax at home.

Incorrect: The experiment was a failure, not having studied the lab manual carefully.

Revised: They failed the experiment, not having studied the lab manual carefully.

Editing for Dangling Modifiers

Check your introductory clauses to make sure that the doer is the subject of the main clause that follows it.

Misused Words

Check for Misused Words

0Than and then0There, their, and they're 0To, too, and two 0Weather and whether 0Whose and who's 0Your and you're

Writing Tips0Write about literature in present tense0Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and

“anything.”0Avoid writing in second person. 0Cut Wordy Sentences0Fix run-on sentences0Eliminate Dangling Participles0Check for misused words

Surface Revision Strategies

Read Aloud Isolate Specific Problems

0 Reading the paper aloud slowly can often bring to attention large and small mistakes missed in the writing and typing process. Read each sentence and ask does it make sense? Is it awkward? Am I including words that are not actually written on the paper? Sometimes reading the paper out of order can help isolate problems. Try reading the paragraphs starting with the last sentence and then reading the previous sentence and so on; this can reveal problems in the sentences.

0 Isolating specific problems can help give objectivity to one's personal work. One way to isolate specific issues is to circle them on a paper draft and look at them one by one. For example: circle all commas and then go back and look at each comma asking if it is in the appropriate place with the correct usage. Another example would be to circle all verbs and then go back one by one and identify the tense and verify subject verb agreement.

 

Stone Butch Blues

By Leslie Feinberg

Stone Butch Blues

0Summarize the story thus far.

0List the kinds of passing taking place in this novel.

0How is it like racial passing?

0How is it different from racial passing?

Discussion

Identify and discuss a passage from Stone Butch

Blues that moved, upset, or touched you.

“Whatever the world thought was wrong with me, I finally began to agree they were right” (23).

0How does the pressure from the social construct (family, community, society, rules, traditions) work to our (individual, familial, community, cultural) advantage and how is it destructive?

” I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everything grownups wanted, so they would love me.

I followed all their rules, tried my best to please” (13)

0I found the intro to chapter 2 intriguing because it brought up the common psychological desire that every one has, which is “I want to be normal.” It made me think about how there still is a social norm.

One passage in particular that really upset me was when the cop told Jess to either eat his dick or

eat his shit. I was absolutely horrified the entire time I was

reading the chapter.

0A passage from Stone Butch Blues that moved me was the end of the letter that Jess was writing to her lover. She said that she had been wondering about her for over twenty years. After all that time she still loved her and wished she could be with her.

0“What they do to you in here, the shit you take every day on the streets- it changes you, you know?”

0This passage from Stone Butch Blues upset me. I don’t think it’s right that other people can make your life a living hell just for fun. It bugged me how much the cops and society were able to get away with. This wasn’t to long ago; I didn’t know things were this bad. The quote also made me upset because made me wonder how prominent oppression is right now, and to what extent people in power today can get away with.

0“They said they were taking me to the hospital for a blood test. We rode up in an elevator ride to the floor where the test was supposed to be done. Two huge men in white uniforms took me off the elevator. My parents stayed on. Then the men turned and locked the gate, barring the elevator. I reached for my parents, but they wouldn’t even look at me as the elevator door closed” (21).

0Her parents just gave her away to the ‘hospital’; I see this scene way too often in movies and television. But no matter how many times I see this, I would just be pissed to no end. [. . .] just because one is different from others doesn’t mean they should be sent into a crazy house

0The [scene] that stuck out the most was when Jess was hanging out at a bar and the cops come to harass her and her friends. She was commanded to get down on her knees. Jess said, “That night I learned the difference between what I can’t do and what I refuse to do.” The threat of sexual violation disgusts me to the extent that it makes me sick to my stomach. It was inhumane for the cops to treat anyone that way and was deserving of penectomy. [. . .] Jess is admirable for standing behind her beliefs, unfortunately the cops were not giving merits out that day for morality.

0The [passage] that stood out the most for me was when the football team beat and raped Jess on the football field. Jess said, “Bobby unlaced his uniform pants and jammed his penis into my vagina.” I had to reread that line because I wasn’t sure if I had read that correctly. After reading it, It pissed me off a lot. How can these pieces of shit high school football players rape such a young innocent girl. And then their asshole of a coach has the audacity to just stand there and stare in disgust, not at his players but at Jess,” Get out of here, you little whore,” said the coach.

0The first passage that upset me was when Theresa was fired for not letting the superintendent molest her. [. . .] I feel events such as these can really affect the way the victim thinks. A victim of this probably won’t be able to trust easily; [experiences like these] give them preconceived notions about people.

” I’m sick of people asking me if she’s a boy or a girl,” I overhead my mother complain to my father. ”

Everywhere I take her, people ask me. (19)

0“Soon after my Roy Rogers outfit disappeared from the dirty clothes hamper. My father brought me an Annie Oakley outfit instead.” (19).

“I realized that the world could do more than just judge me, it wielded tremendous power over

In-class Writing

0Choose a moment when Jess intentionally passes. How does this experience change who ze is? How do you know?

0Choose one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this affect hir in the same way? How do you know?

HOMEWORK0Reading: Stone Butch Blues (200-270) 0Writing: Finish in-class writing 0Blog Shot #8: Jess interacts with medical

personnel in various ways throughout the novel. Write about an experience Jess has with a medical professional. Does her gender identity influence the treatment she receives or doesn’t receive? 0Studying: Terms (Exam May 16)