North Coast Journal CALIFORNIA LANDSCAPE CONTRACTORS ASSOCIATION CLCA North Coast Chapter www.clcanorthcoastchapter.org MARCH 2011 North Coast Chapter - Events Calendar April 19 th - Supplier Night Expo & Sustainable Showcase – Rooster Run Event Center June 10 th - 2011 Achievement Awards – Flamingo Ballroom March Dinner Meeting Tuesday March 15, 2011 Rooster Run Golf Club 6:00 PM - $30 with RSVP ($35 at the door) RICK TAYLOR of Elder Creek Landscapes will show us Ecological Grading Techniques for Stormwater Management in the landscape We will discuss alternative grading techniques to maximize stormwater percolation/and or filtration in both rural and suburban/urban landscapes. THESE INCLUDE ► C.I.D.'s (contoured infiltration ditches) ► Rain Gardens ► Some Plant-based Solutions ► Bioswales. We have the opportunity to lead the industry, once again, in responsible Stormwater Management in the landscape. (This is not a stormwater regulations class)
Transcript
North Coast Journal CALIFORNIA LANDSCAPE CONTRACTORS ASSOCIATION
CLCA North Coast Chapter www.clcanorthcoastchapter.org MARCH 2011
North Coast Chapter - Events Calendar
April 19th - Supplier Night Expo & Sustainable Showcase – Rooster Run Event Center June 10th - 2011 Achievement Awards – Flamingo Ballroom
March Dinner Meeting Tuesday March 15, 2011
Rooster Run Golf Club 6:00 PM - $30 with RSVP ($35 at the door)
RICK TAYLOR of Elder Creek Landscapes will show us
Ecological Grading Techniques for
Stormwater Management in the landscape We will discuss alternative grading techniques to maximize stormwater
percolation/and or filtration in both rural and suburban/urban landscapes.
THESE INCLUDE ► C.I.D.'s (contoured infiltration ditches) ► Rain Gardens ► Some Plant-based Solutions ► Bioswales. We have the opportunity to lead the industry, once again, in responsible Stormwater Management in the landscape.
(This is not a stormwater regulations class)
CLCA North Coast Chapter P.O. Box 1621 Sebastopol, CA 95473
RESPECT THE EARTH… RECYCLE
March 2011
In this Issue
PAGE 2 ………….…New North Coast Sponsorship Program PAGE 4……………..Grass Roots Training Conference in Sacramento PAGE 5….................Why Enter the Achievement Awards PAGE 8………….….Erosion Control – Winners and Losers PAGE 12……………LEAF Scholarship Program PAGE 15……………Change o Die – Jonathan Goldhill
PAGE 18……………Small Business Optimism PAGE 20…………...LIS – It’s More Than a Show – Jeff Hausman
This Publication is Printed on Recycled Paper
North Coast Chapter of the California Landscape Contractors Association
PRESORTED STANDARD
MAIL U.S. POSTAGE
PAID PERMIT #105
PETALUMA, CA
New sponsorship program
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North Coast Chapter Board Members
Immediate – Past President Charlie Thompson Cagwin & Dorward
March is the month that the awards applications are mailed out to the chapter members, so you should either have received yours already or it should be arriving in the mail any day now.
Whether you have entered in the past or not, there are a few points about the value of entering one or more of your gardens that we would like to share with you.
1. It is a great way to show your employees the pride that you have in their work
2. It is a great way to get feedback from the judges (win or not) on the things that impressed them and the things that could be improved upon.
3. A First Place or Recognition Award in any category, is an excellent marketing tool for securing work.
4. It is our number one fundraiser for the year and it is a great way to support the chapter.
5. The Awards Banquet is our biggest event of the year and it is so much fun to participate in.
6. Many winning contractors have parlayed their achievement awards into journalistic recognition in local newspapers and other publications.
There are over 20 categories to enter, in both installation and maintenance. From the smallest garden to the biggest estate, this is a chance to prove that your hard work and attention to detail has paid off!!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. – Les Brown Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So . . . get on your way. – Dr. Seuss Do or do not. There is no try. – Yoda
Economists Predict Growth in 2011
The economists now see stronger expansion in the first half of 2011, with growth picking up speed as the year progresses. Courtesy of 123Royalty Free
Economists have grown more optimistic about the outlook for U.S. growth next year, predicting the expansion will accelerate as 2011 progresses, according to the latest forecasting survey.
The 55 respondents raised their growth projections for gross domestic product for nearly every period, including the current quarter. On average,
the economists now predict GDP will grow 2.6 percent in the current quarter at a seasonally adjusted annual rate, up from the 2.4 percent growth they projected in last month's survey. The economy grew 2.5 percent in the third quarter.
For the year, they expect GDP will rise 3 percent. Meanwhile, they have reduced the odds of a double-dip recession to 15 percent, the lowest average forecast of the year, from 22 percent in September survey.
The majority of the respondents said there's a better chance the economy in 2011 will outperform their forecasts than that it will underperform. Thirty-five economists said the risks to their forecasts are more to the upside; 14 said the risk was to the downside.
Data on trade, retail sales, consumer sentiment and manufacturing have been looking better. Economists also were generally encouraged by news from Washington on a tax-cut compromise that included an unexpected temporary reduction in payroll taxes in addition an extension of the Bush-era tax cuts.
The survey was conducted from Dec. 3 to 8, so not all of the forecasts take the tentative tax deal into account. Strong data on exports also caused some economists to push up forecasts. Macroeconomic Advisers, for example, raised their fourth-quarter GDP tracking forecast by 0.3 percentage point to 2.3 percent.
- Courtesy of Wall Street Journal
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The North Coast Chapter’s 2011 partners
We would like to thank and acknowledge the following for signing on with our new
Sponsorship Program thus far!!!
PLATINUM PARTNERS John Deere Landscapes
Ewing Irrigation
GOLD PARTNERS LCIS
CONTRACTOR PARTNERS Cagwin & Dorward (2)
Gardenworks Inc.
(see inside front cover for sign-up sheet)
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Erosion Control—Its Impacts, Technology, When It Goes Right, When It Goes Wrong
International Erosion Control Association
The International Erosion Control Association (IECA) is the world’s oldest and largest association devoted to solving problems caused by erosion and its byproduct—sediment.
IECA’s 3,000 members specialize in stormwater management and natural resource protection.
Each year the IECA holds its annual conference. The 2010 gathering, IECA’s 41st Conference and Expo in Dallas, presented its 13th Annual Photo Contest of erosion control projects. The contest categories were:
Impacts of Erosion & Sediment Control Technology in Action
Erosion Control Bloopers Before and After
There were awards in each category for 1st, 2nd and 3rd place photos, along with other photos of projects recognized but not awarded. Here we present, with the kind courtesy of the IECA, the 1st, 2nd and 3rd place awardees in each category.
Impacts of Erosion & Sediment Control 1st PLACE Severe erosion triggering a very dangerous slope failure process menacing houses at the bottom of slope in Minas Gerais, Brazil. Photo: Carlos Galdino, Delfor Bioengenharia, Brazil, Jan. 2009.
2nd PLACE Sediment covering the forest floor in Beaver Creek, Fla. threatens to choke out vegetation. Submitted by Kurt Kelsey, American Excelsior Co. Photo: John Slupecki, June 2009.
3rd PLACE Perimeter controls were quickly overwhelmed on a linear road project in Orange County, Fla. Submitted by: Gregory Ewanitz, Orange County Environmental Protection Division. Photo: Gregory Ewanitz, May 2009.
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Technology in Action
1st PLACE Erosion control blankets were installed to avoid sedimentation from reducing the capacity of the drainage system in Minas Gerais, Brazil. Submitted by Paula Pereira, Deflor Bioengenharia, Brazil. Photo: March 2009.
2nd PLACE Following the Angora fire near Lake Tahoe, Calif., erosion control blankets, wattles, silt fence and mulch were deployed to prevent erosion and sediment damage. Submitted by Kory Kammeier, Western Excelsior. Photo: Kory Kammeier, Sept. 2008. Before and After 1st PLACE Bioengineering stabilized this slope at Butter Hill in Camacari, Bahia, Brazil. Imagine this dirt street after a copious rain before vegetation took hold on the cliffs. Submitted by Aloisio Pereira, Deflor Bioengenharia. Before/after photos: Aloisio Pereira, Jan. 2005/April 2008.
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Connect, educate and develop the worldwide erosion and sediment control community. To be the global resource for people who share a common concern for the prevention and control of erosion.
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Wholesale
Low Water Selections at Devil Mountain Nursery Ed Laivo- Sales and Marketing Director Devil Mountain Wholesale Nursery 2011 will be a year of adjustment and compliance. SB1881 is in place and easier sourcing of plants that help meet your MWELO requirements will be necessary. Devil Mountain is adjusting its inventory to have top quality plants on hand that are popular, beautiful and California landscape friendly. This means a greater attention to plants with low water needs (Drought Devils) in a greater variety of sizes. Look for popular native selections being grown in harder to find 5 gallon, 15 gallon and 24 in box sizes. Along with low water plants, edibles are an asset to meeting MWELO requirements and Devil Mountain has a selection of exciting new varieties. Many are exclusively available to the Devil Mountain Nursery. They’ll include unique varieties, disease resistant selections and the old standards in 15 gallon to specimen sizes. Exciting selections include:
• The Freckle Face Nectarine, a sensational new yellow flesh fruit, better than the best • Golden Sweet Apricot which tastes great and sets everywhere • Warren, Blake’s Pride and Potomac Pears are all great tasting and fire blight resistant • The best tasting pomegranate ever the Parfianka is a large red fruit with incredible flavor • Lastly, as limited lot sizes and space become more common, your client’s desire to surround themselves with their favorite fruits and ornamentals will be satisfied with the increased selection of espaliered plants at Devil Mountain Nursery. Let Devil Mountain help you bring purposeful beauty to a California friendly garden About Devil Mountain Devil Mountain is a wholesale nursery and brokerage located in San Ramon, Ca. Devil Mountain Growers is a premium grower in Clements, Ca. To learn more about Devil Mountain’s plants please visit devilmountainnursery.com or call us at (925)-829-6006
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REMINDING YOU ABOUT OUR SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM From Marianne Estournes
“Our Chapter has a long history of commitment to our LEAF scholarships. Since 1988 we have raised funds for both our local chapter scholarship and our Bud Fellenburg Memorial scholarship. Our scholarships are now nearing the $20,000 mark and the board would like to aim for that goal in 2011. Our scholarships go to local students at our JC or College of Marin or from our chapter area at an upper division program. We need to continue to support their education with our scholarship to ensure an educated work force for our future.”
Look for future activities and fundraising opportunities to support LEAF all year. The applications are out and due in April. If you know of any student at the JC or in an accredited horticulture program please encourage them to apply. There are many scholarships within LEAF and we are looking for promising students!
Any questions about the scholarship please call, Marianne Estournes, 527-0564. How to Apply For A LEAF Scholarship In its desire to perpetuate the future of the landscape industry, the CLCA's Landscape Educational Advancement Foundation (LEAF) fosters, promotes and supports the education of students pursuing careers in fields relating to the landscape contracting industry. Below are instructions and a link for the 2011 LEAF scholarship application. The application is designed so that all information can be put on the form. Before filling out the application form, please read the following:
1. Any student attending an accredited California community college or state university majoring in ornamental horticulture and taking a minimum of six (6) units is eligible.
2. Applications must be typed or printed legibly. 3. Three personal reference letters should be attached to and returned with the application. Reference letters from
your most recent employer, ornamental horticulture instructor, counselor, club/activities advisor, or church leader are very helpful in assisting the scholarship selection committee in their selection of recipients.
4. Applications are reviewed and graded based on financial need, career goals, outside activities, work experience, letters of recommendation and GPA in major. All information received is subject to verification.
5. Scholarships are available for students who will be continuing at their present college or who will be transferring to another accredited college in the fall of 2011.
6. Recipients will receive the actual funding only with official proof of enrollment for the fall semester. 7. Completed application forms should be returned to:
LEAF Foundation - 1491 River Park Drive, Suite 100 - Sacramento, CA, 95815 Applications must be postmarked by April 15, 2011. Any information submitted (application information, employment, letters of reference, etc.) may be verified. There will be no extensions and applications will be returned if postmarked after the April 15, 2011 deadline.
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Change or DIE! By Jonathan Goldhill
It was cold, snowy, February day in the suburbs of New York when my mother took a taxi into New York City and trudged to Doctor’s Hospital through the raging snowstorm. My father, meanwhile, was recovering in another room in a hospital from his first heart attack. Two years later, while on vacation in Greece, my father, just 35 years old, suffered a second massive coronary and died. Sadly, he left my mother a widow with three young children - ages 8, 6 and 2.
It makes me feel sad to think I grew up without a father. Maybe he could have prevented his death and lived longer. He made some of the recommended changes to his diet and lifestyle after his first heart attack, but unfortunately, he didn’t change enough.
And, so, ever since I was a young boy, I vowed that I would lead a healthy life filled with regular exercise and healthy eating. What I didn’t know was that I would become an advocate to others to lead healthier lives.
Back then – the 1950’s - they didn’t have the medical procedures they do today – angioplasties, bypass surgery, etc. – and didn’t have the medical knowledge they do on health and prevention.
But, the truth is that despite the enormity of a MASSIVE life changing event – a CORONARY HEART ATTACK - most people don’t change the behaviors that are necessary to live longer, fruitful lives. In fact, “if you look at people after a coronary-artery bypass grafting two years later,” says Dr. Edward Miller, the dean of the medical school and CEO of the hospital at Johns Hopkins University, “90% of them have not changed their lifestyle”.
Since the mid-1950’s, numerous articles have demonstrated that 90% of the health care budget are consumed by five behavioral issues: namely, too much eating, too much drinking, too much smoking, too much stress and too little exercise.
So, what does this have to do with owning or running a small business?
A lot! We are living in scary times. Most of you are experiencing sluggish sales and, as a result, are still feeling a bit anxious, uneasy, and uncertain about the economy. This overall feeling of fear and uncertainty is sending record numbers of you into a “fight or flight” syndrome. The fact is that you must “Change or DIE!” No business remains static. You must make progress by growing your sales and/or increasing your profits OR your business will regress. But changing habits and behaviors is hard, if not impossible, for so many of you … especially you “off-season” entrepreneurs. I’m referring to those of you who are an entrepreneur (i.e., strategic business owner) only during the few months in the winter when business slows down and you are resigned to work “ON” your business because it’s the slow season.
The problem with most construction-related businesses is that owners don’t work “ON” their business i.e., focus on the “big picture” issues in their business, for more than a few months in the “off season” making it difficult to develop as a leader, effective manager and strategic business owner. When spring arrives, you get so busy being busy. You lose sight of important business issues that need to be fixed. Business improvement initiatives get put on the back burner. Marketing goes on auto-pilot and sales skills training is exchanged for lead conversion effort in the line of duty.
Let me paint a clear picture for you. To be successful in business, you must work “ON” your business year-round and consistently. If you want to grow, not die, you must put consistent effort into the right activities on a regular basis. You must improve your business practices constantly. Activities like strategic planning, creating and measuring the effectiveness of your tactical marketing plans, management and sales skills training, and optimizing your systems must become as basic as the behaviors of improving your diet, exercise, stress levels, etc.
You see, for your business to grow, you need to grow. And, you must do this all year round! Not just in the slow months. If you want to build a team that will help run the business for you so you can get some time back for yourself, do this work all year-long. Don’t be an “off-season entrepreneur!”
You must GROW your business or it will die. If it dies, who will you leave behind and unattended? If you have a spouse, employees and customers that count on you, then don’t leave your business to chance.
Jonathan Goldhill, The Growth Coach, is a business coach who works with the owners, managers and salespeople of construction and service
businessesJonathan can be reached at (818) 716-8826 or [email protected]. Learn about his services at www.TheGrowthCoachLA.com and www.TheMarketingCoachLA.com .
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“We are living in scary times. … The fact is that you must “Change or DIE!” No business remains static. You must make progress by growing your sales and/or increasing your profits OR your business will regress.”
NOTES FROM OUR WEBMASTER Michael O’Connell – O’Connell Landscape
Wake Up! and be Be Remarkable Chances are if you walk into a car dealership in Santa Rosa or Sarasota your experience is going to be fairly similar. The same for an Italian restaurant in Chicago or San Francisco- expected, normal, standardized and not out of the ordinary is all too common. Chances are clients interviewing most landscape contractors find that companies are not all too different either (aka BORING). For those companies and individuals that can make an impression, do things differently, and who can create a following by being an original- you create loyalty, make a difference, and become remarkable and remarked upon. How you do this? That’s the hard part and there is no right answer. Make it original, true to your organization’s personality, and if you have a gimmick, it better be good and better mean something. For more: Two great inspirations to becoming remarkable- Seth Godin (read Linchpin) & Tom Peters Recruiting for IPM Advocates Just a reminder that the recruitment process for IPM Advocates is ending in about two weeks. An Integrated Pest Management (IPM) Advocate helps retail nurseries, garden centers and hardware stores provide information to their customers about less toxic pest management practices. Individuals selected for this program will be given training and mentoring by the Bay Area Stormwater Management Agencies Association (BASMAA) and the University of California Statewide IPM Program (UCIPM). If you – or someone you know - may be interested, please see IPM Advocates Flyer or go to www.ipmadvocates.com Great Experiments in Irrigation I see all kinds of interesting existing irrigation configurations in the field. There a lot of ways to configure irrigation valves and lines terribly wrong that would make Rube Goldberg proud. Here is a typical example from a project in Mill Valley. Generally it’s a good idea to bury your irrigation lines
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Reuben Lucius Goldberg (July 4, 1883 – December 7, 1970) was an American cartoonist, sculptor, author, engineer, and inventor. Goldberg is best known for a series of popular cartoons he created depicting complex devices that perform simple tasks in indirect, convoluted ways—now known as Rube Goldberg machines.
Sonoma County Water Agency receives global standardization certifications The Sonoma County Water Agency on January 10 became certified under the rigorous standards of the International Organization for Standardization (ISO). The ISO is a global federation of national standards bodies from approximately 100 countries. Today, ISO standards are accepted worldwide as the method by which manufacturers and service providers can achieve maximum convenience and efficiency in the exchange of goods and services. The Water Agency received ISO certification under both the Quality Management System - ISO 9001 and Environmental Management System - ISO 14001. In order to receive the ISO certifications, the Water Agency underwent an intensive four year self-examination process aided by independent ISO auditors to identify areas of improvement. The ISO certification process requires continual review and improvement in both areas, forcing the Water Agency out of a "business as usual" model and into a continual "raising of the bar" operations model.
Protecting Golden Gate Park
San Francisco officials will be inventorying Golden Gate Park’s buildings, sculptures, monuments, some 60,000 trees, etc., with a look toward placing its land and holdings within a historic district designation to protect and keep the park intact. Photo: The Conservatory of Flowers, Golden Gate Park, San Francisco
The park in New York City is of course Central Park. The park for San Francisco Bay area residents is Golden Gate Park, which at three miles long and 1/2-mile wide is bigger than Central Park.
The San Francisco Historic Preservation Commission will be discussing developing plans with the S.F.
Recreation and Park Department to make all 1,017 acres of Golden Gate Park a historic district. Such a distinction would mean any substantial changes to the park would have to be reviewed both by Rec and Park and Historic Preservation commissions.
Such an additional layer of review, the impetus for the proposal, would check the power of the park department to sell off sections of the park to the highest bidder to make up for budget shortfalls.
Eight buildings and one monument in the park are already designated city “landmarks.” In fact, the park was placed on the National Register of Historic Places in 2004, which gives limited control to local preservationists. The city historic designation w ould give preservationists more authority.
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Small Business Optimism
Small businesses in the U.S. continue to feel better about their prospects, little by little. But the incremental progress is beginning to add up. Small business optimism in January reached a new 3-year high, according to the National Federation of Independent Businesses. Most signs are showing that the sector is slowly improving, but the new report also shows hiring isn't yet speeding up.
The NFIB's Small Business Optimism Index: Optimism declined slightly in December, only to make up the ground it lost and a little more in January, when it hit 94.1. That's the highest since December 2007 -- right when the recession was getting underway. Of course, that was a time when the economy was headed towards recession, so sentiment should actually be much higher for the U.S. economy to be in a strong expansionary phase. This shows that times still aren't great for small business, but are certainly better than they were a few years ago.
Sales expectations are clearly improving. Here's the chart, based on seasonally adjusted data from the NFIB indicating the net percent of small businesses expecting better sales during the next three months:
That net percent for January rose to 13 percent, which is the highest since October 2007. This is a very good sign. Firms have blamed their slow hiring on weak sales expectations. As those begin to increase, so should job growth.
Yet that hiring doesn't appear to be speeding up just yet. The NFIB's hiring plans metric actually declined slightly in January, and job openings were flat. This result makes it a little hard to believe the government's more optimistic estimate of 589,000 jobs created in January is accurate.
Credit conditions also appear to be slowly improving for small firms. In January, the NFIB's loan availability metric also rose to its highest value since October 2007. But it still isn't great, as net 10 percent of firms say it's harder to get loans compared to three months ago. Finally, the most important problems plaguing small businesses remain mostly the same in January. Poor sales are still named as the chief problem, according to 27 percent of those surveyed.
That's followed by taxes at 19 percent and government regulations and red tape at 17 percent. It's interesting to note that more firms named regulation as the most important problem in January compared to a year earlier. Its share has risen by 4 percent, while the percentages of small businesses blaming sales and taxes as their most important problems have both declined, by 4 percent and 3 percent, respectively
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“I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” ₪ Jimmy Dean
Logo Patches
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ORDER FORM
CLCA North Coast Chapter
COMPANY NAME____________________________ PHONE #____________________ # ordered circle color & size: _____LOGO PATCH: small $ 20 _____LOGO PATCH: large $145 _____HATS: $25 Green, Black, or Pale Burgundy _____GOLF SHIRT: $35 Green or Black /Sm, Med, Lg, XL _____FLEECE sm.Logo on front: $65 Green or Black /Sm, Med, Lg, XL _____FLEECE lg. Logo on back: $170 Green or Black /Sm, Med, Lg, XL _____FLEECE lg. & sm. Logos: $210 Green or Black /Sm, Med, Lg, XL _____VARSITY JACKET sm Logo: $180 Sm, Med, Lg, XL _____VARSITY JACKET lg Logo: $300 Sm, Med, Lg, XL _____VARSITY JACKET lg & sm Logos: $325 Sm, Med, Lg, XL (XXL Available at a slightly higher price)
Call or Fax to Connie @ (707) 829-5487
LIS: It’s More than the Show by Jeff Hausman – Gardenworks, Inc Some of the memories that we take away from the LIS Show don’t necessarily come from the show itself……having dinner, drinks, and meaning full conversations with other industry professionals adds to the value of the experience. We were having dinner Wednesday night at a place called “The Palm” and one of those memorable experiences took place. One of the persons in our group just happened to be wearing a Giants hat (always fun to rub it in) which stirred up quite a response. A gentleman approached the table and demanded that the hat be removed. Now under normal circumstances this request may be met with some hostility, but since the gentleman was Tommy Lasorda we took it in with a sense of jest and good fun. The ensuing conversation was brief as Tommy was attending a dinner with some new team recruits. But the hat was still rubbing him the wrong way by the time his dinner was over, so he had to stop by our table again on his way out……to finish where he left off. Some more ribbing and a few anecdotes later we were all left with an experience to remember. I was able to capture the moment with some pictures and a bit of video with my
phone which I would be happy to share with you. The Show this year was educational and informative, but nothing like Tommy Lasorda’s good natured ribbing to put an exclamation point on the whole experience. LA Dodger great Tommy Lasorda talking with Fred Hanker from Delta Bluegrass and an offending Giants fan.
Water Management Certification Program Sign up on http://www.clca.us/water-pro Test Date: March 8, 2011 City: Concord Venue: Contra Costa Water District 1331 Concord Ave. Concord, CA. 94520 Schedule for All Workshops: Training: 8 a.m.-Noon Noon- Lunch Will be Provided Audit: 12:30-2:30 p.m. If you passed the written test prior to March 2010 , certified or in the process, the audit portion will need to be completed by May 2011 to stay certified. Contact David Silva. Audit portion ONLY is $50 unless otherwise stated. Test: 2:30-4 p.m. Download Study Guide For Free Note: Training covers written test and how to use study guide information in your business or job. Training session should not be in lieu of reading study guide in advance of session. David Silva - Water Program Manager [email protected] http://www.clca.us/water-pro
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!
When I was born….the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them? He said...I don't know kid… there are so many places they can hide.
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said. On your mark....
On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days.
Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii...No days...just nights.
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said, “I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
