Mastering an Effective Relationship through Effective Communication Your partner desires to have a voice, to feel valued and to know that he or she matters This is why having interpersonal communication skills is such an important part of maintaining a healthy bond, it will give you a broad set of indispensable communication tools and skillsets that are invaluable in avoiding miscommunications, and will help you in maintaining both substance and quality in your relationship (Hasenour, 2011). 2012 Larry Hasenour Communication 5/12/2012
Transcript
Larry HasenourCommunication
5/12/2012
2012
Mastering an Effective Relationship through Effective CommunicationYour partner desires to have a voice, to feel valued and to know that he or she matters
This is why having interpersonal communication skills is such an important part of maintaining a healthy bond, it will give you a broad set of indispensable communication tools and skillsets that are invaluable in avoiding miscommunications, and will help you in maintaining both substance and quality in your relationship (Hasenour, 2011).
Mastering an Effective Relationship 1
Mastering an Effective Relationship through Effective Communication
Being able to introduce a newly engaged couple to the world of interpersonal
communication and equipping them to deal effectively with disagreements, conflicts, and
misunderstandings is at the heart of what encompasses an interpersonal communication course.
It requires a thorough knowledge of the basic principles involved in the effective use of
interpersonal skills, while being able to recognize misconceptions and to apply the appropriate
levels of self-disclosure, and finally to eliminate any barriers that impede healthy interpersonal
interaction. In addition, and of great importance, will be for them to develop strategic guidelines
for active, critical, and emphatic listening, while at the same time assessing their own personal
communication shortcomings in order to improve communication competency.
Congratulations are in order for your recent commitment to each other. Now it will be
even more imperative that you both learn and practice the appropriate interpersonal
communication for effective wide-open communication with one another, it will not only help
you grow and strengthen your relationship but will also allow you to have a more pleasant and
harmonious relationship as well. Again, thank you for asking me to share with you what I have
learned in my Interpersonal communication course.
One of the first things we must understand about language is that a word is merely a
symbol, a correlation to the object, and not the object itself (Sole, 2011, Section 1.1), which is
one of the main causes of why conversations are misinterpreted and miscommunications arise
among intimate relationships. A word can have multiple denotations and connotations, and a
different interpretation that stems from an individual’s past, and to an individual’s thought
processes and their culture. This means that your interpretation of a word may carry an entirely
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different meaning, or connotation, than that of your partner; these differences while
communicating can have the potential of deteriorating, damaging, or destroying a relationship.
Just because we have communicated all of our lives does not mean we are good
communicators, and because “the word is not the thing” but the symbolic representation, we
must all guard against the illusion that the words we use every day have the same meaning to
everyone else (Ibid).
This is why having interpersonal communication skills is such an important part of
maintaining a healthy bond, it will give you a broad set of indispensable communication tools
and skillsets that are invaluable in avoiding miscommunications, and will help you in
maintaining both substance and quality in your relationship.
One of the most significant elements of any communication skillset, and considered most
elemental for maintaining a good marriage or relationship, is that of self-disclosure, (Sole, 2011,
Section 9.1). Self-disclosure is the revealing of our thoughts, personal experiences, likes,
dislikes, and private feelings; it is about letting our true selves become transparent to others
(Ibid). It also involves being able to be up front, open and genuine, sharing your most secretive
thoughts, your fears, shortcomings, flaws and feelings with one another without the fear of
reprisal. It is important to both of you that you are able to communicate to each other in this
manner. Research scientist Terri Orbuch, in studying 373 married couples for more than 20
consecutive years, stated that couples might converse for two hours and not talk about anything
of “substance,” “value,” or “quality,” stating that it is not about quantity but quality. In addition,
she states that, “couples need to assure that their conversations are a means of sharing what
means most to both of them” (Gibson, 2011; Schoenberg, 2011).
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A similar article by Dalmar Gibson (2011) states that, many of the conversations that
couples exchange do not qualify as communication, and that marital conflicts stem more from
weak communication skills than from any emotional problem.
Your partner desires to have a voice, to feel valued and to know that he or she matters,
that what he or she speaks, and feelings matter. That is why your word choices in your
relationship will be so critical, to be able to adequately convey your needs, desires, motives,
thoughts, and feelings to your partner, and to understand your partner.
Self-disclosure then, is a vital interpersonal communication skill for helping to convey
these traits and to sustain your happy relationship, that your communicating qualitatively will be
far more important than communicating quantitatively, and as you will find in the years to come,
will be a direct link to how healthy and how happy your relationship becomes. Always
remember that the most important characteristic of the deep personal relationship that you both
long for, will originate in the self-disclosure that you both must be willing to share; that being
your innermost thoughts and feelings”
Your nonverbal communication will also play a role that will be just as important as self-
disclosure in helping you to convey your feelings. Your nonverbal communication consisting of
gestures, inflection, tone, and overall body language can speak volumes and be louder than the
actual words you speak to each other. According to James L. Haner, Instructor at Learning Tree
International, only 7% of our message comes from the actual words we speak, while at the same
time, as much a 93% of the message comes from either the tone or the inflection in our voice or
our body language (Haner, 2011). The mind processes verbal language at the same time that it
processes non-verbal language and over time, you will be able to read each other’s body
language sub-consciously. However, since both of you may vary in their ability to both send and
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receive non-verbal messages you must make a special effort to become aware of non-verbal cues
that each is sending. Through your recognition of non-verbal cues, you will be able to
comprehend more of what the other is saying and will be better able to discern the other’s
emotions; conveying not only non-verbal cues appropriately, but also building your level of
respect and trust for each other (Exforsys Inc., 2011, March 19).
Couples who have difficulty in interpreting non-verbal cues, have a serious handicap in
their relationship, it can prove to be just as much a communication problem as problems
associated with verbal language (Sole, 2011, Section 7.2).
Non-verbal communication is essential to truly listening, and plays a major role in being
able to listen effectively; it can be the key that unlocks the true message, or subconscious
message, of the person speaking. Although many feel they are good at listening, studies show
that the greatest majority of individuals listen both “poorly and inefficiently” (Sole, 2011,
Section 7.3).
As a good listener, you will want to focus on all aspects of listening, which include
being able to motivate yourself to listen and to focus on the message, making eye contact with
your partner in order that you listen fully to what is said. It is then important that you interpret
the message properly, a good rule of thumb to use is after your partner finishes speaking you
begin your sentence with: “so what you are saying is…,” then repeat back to your partner in a
paraphrase of what you thought you heard. This will ensure that you interpreted your spouse’s
message correctly, and that your words and your partner’s words do indeed coincide with each
other. Next is to evaluate the message, which in a relationship it is very important, and can be
very detrimental to assume ahead of time what your partner is saying before he or she has
finished speaking, because to the other partner’s embarrassment, many times he or she was going
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to say something entirely different before the interruption. It is always in your best interest to
wait for your partner to finish before making a response.
Problems in communication will not only hurt the relationship but also can be the cause
of its downfall and even cause the relationship to fail. In the publication; Making Connections:
Understanding Interpersonal Relationships, Kathy Sole (2011, Section 9.1) points out that the
most common problems to relationships stem from the following three major barriers. The first
being silence or a refusal to communicate, the second, placating one’s partner, going against
what is truly felt inside to soothe or disarm a situation, and thirdly, the playing of games, or the
utilization of ulterior motives in a relationship.
The first barrier that has the potential of destroying a relationship is prolonged silence
when one of the partners become either angry or upset, they either lack the necessary
communication skills to communicate their true feelings or their desire is to punish their partner,
and at times it is a combination of both (Schoenberg, 2010). Not only is silence painful to the
other partner but can cause depression in just a matter of days when the partner is not able to talk
to the one they love (Ibid).
Always remember in your relationship that ignoring hurt feelings as if nothing is wrong
solves nothing, it is crucial that you both work together in mending the relationship when the
other partner has become angry and hurt and withdrawn, here is where utilizing interpersonal
skills and engaging in meaningful communication can be crucial for fully restoring the
relationship.
The second barrier that can hurt your relationship, referred to as placating, is to override
your own feelings, to give in, and to appease your partner. Always remember that it is never
healthy for your relationship to hide, or mask or suppress your true feelings in any way,
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eventually you will signal your true feelings to your mate, and you may appear to be very
disingenuous. My wish for the two of you that you will always be authentic and up-front with
each other, always sharing your true inner feelings, because, not doing so will only compromise
your true identity and impede your sense of self-worth (Sole, 2011, Section 9.1).
The third barrier referred to as playing games is a negative pattern of interaction and a
type of communication considered especially dysfunctional (Ibid), called the blame game, where
we project the blame for our own shortcomings onto someone else either consciously or
unconsciously. One of the most common blame game phrases is: “now look what you made me
do,” is to deflect the blame to others, which not only initiates the individual to evade
responsibility for the action, but also enables the individual to manipulate and manage the
impressions of others (Simon, 2009). Always be true to yourself, hold yourself accountable for
your own actions, and never project them to someone else, open and honest communication can
prevent the blame game from ever occurring.
Gaining interpersonal communication skills will give you wisdom in accessing and
understanding your feelings in order to be sensitive to your partner’s feelings, known as empathy
when you put yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagine the thoughts and feelings they are
expressing in a certain situation (Sole, 2011, 9.2). You can then identify with your partner and
get a better understanding of what he or she is going through. If you feel your partner is hurting,
is angry, or depressed, or showing other hurtful emotions, you must try to remember a time when
you felt that way and how you felt in order to understand and be able to help your partner.
Remember to keep communication channels open to help each understand the emotions of the
other (Ibid).
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The best way you can avoid communication barriers in your relationship is always to be
an emphatic listener. Develop empathy for your partner, putting yourself into your partner’s
shoes and then to look at the situation through their eyes, to see how they see it, identify with
them, see if you can feel what they feel. Empathizing fully with your partner requires that you
fully understand your own emotions. Moreover, when you both are able to master your own
feelings and emotions, and are capable of displaying empathy toward your partner, you will find
the rewards will be limitless. It will enable you not only to be able to better handle life’s highs
and lows, but it will also enhance the life you will spend together, making both your lives even
more complete and satisfying (Sole, 2011, Section 7.2, 9.2).
To keep a strong and healthy relationship it will be important that both of you assess your
personal skills and develop a life-long strategy for improving your communication skills and
competencies. You can begin by surveying your own needs, desires, and motives in the
relationship, which will enable you to discover your partner’s wants and desires.
You must also feel free enough to communicate things in the relationship that are not
always going to be pleasing are agreeable to your partner, and to always be open about both your
needs and to communicate the goals for your relationship (Sole, 2011, Section 8.5). It is also
important that you develop self-awareness of your” internal processes” and the “external
processes” to both recognize and take responsibility for perceiving accurately what it is your
mate wants to convey to you (Sole, 2011, Section 8.2), and then to take responsibility for
properly interpreting the verbal communications, non-verbal communications, inner feelings, and
desires of your partner. Many times this will necessitate that you check your perceptions with
your partner determining whether he or she interpreted the message as in the same way that you
meant it (Ibid). It will also require that you express your emotions constructively. When
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emotions flare we must utilize them to gain information about our feelings. We must understand
that anger, disgust, remorse, sadness and fear are either directed at someone or to something,
they are indicators that something is wrong, know this will help to direct our actions to finding
out what caused these feelings and to take a corrective course of action (Sole, 2011, Section 9.2).
Having this knowledge should help us to understand that we should never judge our
partner when the environment has triggered a feeling in them, this will only subtract from your
relationship, it is far wiser to consider what the person said that triggered the feeling, and then
using that to analyze the situation. Ask yourself: “did what I say get misinterpreted?” (Ibid).
When you come to realize that emotions first become thoughts and then feelings and finally elicit
the behavior, it will give you an opportunity to study the situation and improve your
interpersonal communication skills.
You must also remember to never suppress or hide your feelings, they will always
surface, and most of the time will do so in a way you do not desire. When a partner feels
frustrated, he or she may yell to vent anger or resort to alcohol abuse, or have other types of
bursts of anger. Find ways to interpret suppressed emotions and then to translate them into
thoughts and feelings that you will be able to share with your partner. Your greatest
accomplishment will be when you can clearly express in words what you are feeling and be able
to explain why you are feeling them. Rely on both your intellect and your gut feeling when
honestly assessing these feelings. Try to figure out why you have feelings such as feeling sad
without knowing why or depressed.
Having these interpersonal communication skills will aid you in communicating
effectively and become more aware of your own and each other’s thoughts and feelings. It will
assist you avoiding communication barriers and miscommunications that are a part of almost
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every relationship. It will also allow you to connect with one another, forming a deeper intimate
relationship, and to provide a supportive and more peaceful environment.
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References
Exforsys Inc. (2010, March 19). Non-verbal communication in building relationships. Retrieved
June 5, 2011, from http://www.exforsys.com/career-center/relationship-management/non-
verbal-communication.html
Gibson, D. (2011, April 8). For couples, communication is multidimensional. Retrieved June 5,
2011, from http://foryourmarriage.org/for-couples-communication-is-multidimensional/
Haner, J. L. (2011, May). Project Leadership: What you say and how you say it. Retrieved June
6, 2011, from http://project-management.learningtree.com/2011/05/
Schoenberg, N. (2011, February 6). Can we talk? Researcher talks about the role of
communication in marriages. Houston Chronicle, p. 7. Retrieved June 6, 2011, from
ProQuest Database.
Simon, G. (2009, February 27) Playing the blame game as a manipulation tactic. Counselling
