Communication
Communicationand
Active Listening
Communication
● What is communication?● A continuous, irreversible, trans-active process
involving communicators who occupy different but overlapping environments and are simultaneously senders and receivers of messages, many of which are distorted by physical and psychological noise.
● B.O.G.S.A.T.
Communication
Communication● It's is not what you say,
it's what they hear.● If it doesn’t matter to them,
it won’t be heard. ● 7% verbal, 38% vocal, 55% visual
— not true.
Communication● 3Vs — Verbal: the words you use
➢ Conveys content, delivers simple meaning. ➢ Email, asynchronous. doesn't always help.
● 3Vs — Vocal: how you say it➢ volume, pitch, and timbre➢ conveys emotion, meaningfulness of the message.➢ Telephone is synchronous...when email fails
● 3Vs — Visual: how you appear➢ body language, facial expressions, first impressions.➢ the medium is the message.➢ Face to Face is the best interface.
Communication
To your partner: “What's wrong?”
Not a t hing.nothing
Nothing!NothingNothing
Nothing
Body Language
● You can't fake it.➢ way too much body language to control consciously➢ thousands of body language signals every minute➢ broadcast how we’re feeling and thinking➢ mind's controlled expression
≠ body's micro-expressions➢ Whatever is in your mind will come out through
your body language● Duchenne vs Pan-Am smiles
➢ Spot the fake smile (look at the eyes)
Charisma
● Be present● Believe in your power● Convey warmth (compassion)
➢ Based on research of Olivia Fox Cabane which she calls “charisma”
● Instead of “body language” or communication tricks and techniques,
➢ Be there, right there, only there➢ Be confident➢ Be with the other person
Charisma — Presence
● Be completely present with the other person in the moment. “Be here now.”
● people can read facial expressions in 17 milliseconds
● Others sense smallest delays in your reactions if you are not “present”, not fully conversing.
➢ You become inauthentic.● Converse as if they are the only person in the
world, they are the centre of the universe
Charisma — Presence
To stay present in a conversation:● focus on the physical sensations in your toes
for just a moment...forces brain to sweep body from head to toe...gets you very physically present in the moment
● focus on the colours of their eyes➢ dazzling array of colours can be captivating➢ don't over do it.
● don’t try to impress them. Let them impress you
Charisma — Power
● Power: their perception of your ability to affect the world.
● Body position: claim space➢ wide stance, shoulders back, hands behind back
• makes elbows come out, puts your chest forward, makes you look bigger
➢ Creates biochemical boost, feel more powerful, your body language adapts, cycle builds upon itself
➢ Do this before the conversation● Good posture during the conversation
Charisma — Power
● Problem believing in power: low self-confidence● imposter syndrome
➢ feel you don’t really know what you're doing➢ just a matter of time before you’re found out➢ estimated to hit 70% to 80% of the population
Charisma — Power
● Destigmatize: nobody's perfect➢ There is no shame in not knowing everything➢ Perfection is the enemy of the good➢ We are all good enough to learn and explore
● Detach: our thoughts are not accurate ➢ brain filters for relevant information➢ selective representation of reality➢ distorted thinking tricks our mind into being certain
that an inaccurate thought is true➢ Your worst case scenario is unlikely, maybe even
impossible. Don't worry. Don't assume.
Charisma — Warmth
● Warmth is how much someone gives us the impression that they like us.
● Warmth tells us whether someone would be inclined to use their power in our favour.
● We perceive warmth almost entirely through body language and behaviour.
● You deliver warmth with your eyes and voice.● You cannot fake warmth.
Charisma — Warmth
● Warmth is the sensitivity, friendliness and consideration you convey
● Warmth is “unconditional positive regard”● Demonstrated by
➢ your commitment to the conversation➢ your effort to understand the other person
Charisma — Warmth
● It’s hard to emit warmth when ➢ You’re in the grip of self-criticism:
you think you just said something stupid.➢ You are holding on to anger:
someone was rude to you on your way here.● because your face and voice will show it● or their face and voice will show it if they have
negative emotions
Charisma — Warmth
● Rewrite reality:● The person who rudely cut you off on your
journey here was responding to a life or death emergency.
● The negative emotion you saw on the other person's face is self-directed, not you-directed.
● Do unto yourself as you would do unto others: Be self-forgiving and self-compassionate.
Charisma — Warmth
● How do you actually create warmth? ● imagine someone for whom you have great
affection. ➢ Thanks to placebo effect, the warmth actually will
be genuine.● Brain does not know the difference between
imagination and reality. Emotional reaction occurs in both cases; it's why movies and novels work.
Charisma — Warmth
● Dealing with difficult people:➢ Find three things about that person that you can
approve of, even if those things are trivial.• sends your brain down a certain path which impacts your
body language➢ Imagine their history, imagine their present:
“there but for the grace of God, go I.”“Be kind for everyone is fighting a great battle.”
• Generates empathy and compassion
Charisma
● Charisma is presence, power, and warmth.● It’s all about them. It’s all about them. ● Self-confidence is crucial.● Be authentic.● Reframe your brain:
➢ power posture ➢ rewrite reality to generate positive emotion
Listening
● We spend about 1/2 our day listening.● Speed of words/min
➢ writing 25 ― 30➢ speaking 125 ― 200➢ reading 240 ― 600➢ listening 400 ― 600➢ Thinking 600 ― 1200+
● Attention is a most scarce and valuable resource➢ Ironically, because the brain has too many spare
cycles
Listening
● Successful sales people:● speak little and listen much. ● When they do speak, their voices fluctuate
strongly in amplitude and pitch, suggesting interest and responsiveness to the customer’s needs.(The Science of Subtle Signals)
Remembering
● Remembering is just hard as listening.● Memory improves with
➢ Emotional engagement➢ Multi-modal processing: hear, see, write, say
● Listen to the Verbal and the Vocal tone● See the Visuals
➢ Are the messages in all 3Vs consistent?● Make notes● Actively Listen
Understanding
● Meaning Triangle➢ Ogden & Richard (1923)
SymbolSymbol Object
ConceptConcept
explains →
← characteristics
represents →← represented by
impl
ies
idea
s →
← s
et o
f ide
as
Understanding
● Concept domesticated cat
● Object Felis Catus
● Symbol: cat, “Tiger”
Misunderstanding
Oh, “Tiger” is your pet cat.
● Any disconnect between Concept, Referent, and Symbol
causes misunderstanding● ...or someone is deliberately misleading you.
Getting the Message
● Sender's EXPRESSION ➢ Words (symbol), emotion, action
must equal the● Receiver's IMPRESSION
➢ Concept & Referent, colour/flavour, importance
Exchanging the Message
Seligman, 2011
Active Listening
● Sender usually encodes an emotional message in their Expression.
● Receiver tries to decode what it means to the Sender and reflect that back.
● Active Listening communicates➢ I recognize what you are feeling.➢ It's neither agreement nor disagreement➢ It's not judgement whether feelings are right/wrong➢ Just that the feelings exist
Active Listening
● try to understand their perspective● Paraphrase to confirm your understanding of
their concept➢ Human brain
● Inquire to understand their reasoning➢ Limbic brain
● Acknowledge to recognize their feelings➢ Reptile brain
Active Listening
Paraphrase: “It sounds as if you’re satisfied with our component overall. But if I understand correctly, you need me to assure you that we can increase production if large orders come in. You’re also concerned about our proposed per-unit price and our willingness to work with you to create an acceptable arrangement. Have I captured your main points?”
Active Listening
Inquire: “You mentioned that you found our proposed price to be unacceptable. Help me understand how you came to this conclusion.”
Active Listening
Acknowledge: “It sounds as if you’re quite disappointed with various elements of our proposal, so much so that you have serious concerns about whether we’ll be able to work together over the long haul.”
Getting the Message
● Colleague hands you the expected report with a smile, “Ta-da! Here it is.”
● or throws it down on your desk,“Bah. It's over and done with.”
● You think, “Oh, this will take some time.”● Your reaction: I don't have time for this.
Receiving the Message● As a leader, it is your job to be interrupted.● 'Open the door'
➢ Body language: close the laptop lid, put down your pen, close the file folder, turn your body, uncross arms & legs, look them in the eye. Signal attention.
➢ “It sounds like you feel strongly about that. Tell me about it.”
● Passive listening: Shut up and pay attention.● Acknowledge listening: “Oh. Really. Uh huh.”● Active listening:
Paraphrase, Inquire, Acknowledge
Active Listening Challenges● I don't know how I'm going to untangle this
messy problem.● Why can't the Network Architect deliver a
complete response to the requirements?● Please don't ask me about that right now.● I thought today's meeting accomplished
nothing!● That guy thinks he knows everything!● Why does Purchasing have me complete a two
page form when I just want a paper clip?➢ Pair up with your opposite type and try it.
Active Listening
● Empathize and accept the way the other person is right now.
● The other feels heard and understood.● You are interested, concerned and not going
judge or change the other.● They own their feelings,
they own at least that part of the problem.● Active Listening facilitates problem solving by
satisfying the other's Belonging needs and moving them up to the Esteem level.
Roadblocks to Communication
Get rid of the person by solving their problem thereby making your problem (them) go away.When the sender owns the problem, don't...
● Order, direct, command● Warn, admonish, threaten● Moralize, preach, implore● Advise, suggest, solve● Persuade, Lecture, Argue
Roadblocks to Communication
● Judge, critique, disagree, blame● Praise, Agree, Flatter● Name calling, ridicule, shame● Interpret, Analyze, Diagnose● Reassure, Sympathize, Console, Support● Probe, Question, Interrogate● Distract, Divert, Kid and Joke
Active Listening is not...
● Acceptance is not agreement● You don't need to feedback every message
➢ Sometimes Door Openers, Passive Listening, and Acknowledgement Responses are enough
➢ Don't try to actively listen until you understand● “Roadblocks to Communication” can work in
No Problem areas, i.e. When everyone's needs are being met.
● Usually, people know how to solve their own issues. The real problem is how they feel.
Active Listening
● Don't pretend to listen. You'll never get away with it.
● Be honest about your time pressure, your own emotional or health state.
● Make a commitment to meet later.