COMMUNICATION&

MENTORING

Strengthening the Family

Kim J. Sumerix, MA, LLMSWChild & Youth Services CoordinatorFamily & Children Services of Midland

Objectives for the day

We will Learn about effective communication skills Explore effective mentoring skills for our family as

well as neighbors and friends Share a few good stories Laugh a lot

A Father’s Story

I met with a couple who presented the following facts at our initial session as messages from the wife to the husband: We have a problem I have known for almost 3 months Our 17 year old daughter is pregnant You need to be prepared, she is going to tell you

tonight, I wasn’t supposed to tell the secret The babies father is of a different race

So what is the problem?

Begin with a problemTrust issuesThe real dilemmaWhat you must now doMore shock

What was the outcome?

The young couple finds a strong faith based support network

Daughter marries and has 2 more children with the babies father

They really struggle with low paying jobs

They are still married 8 years later, but the parents are divorced

What are the lessons learned?

There are basic elements in a relationship that need to be cultivated in order to strengthen our families

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.

Robert Louis Stevenson

Kim J. Sumerix, MA, LLMSW

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Family Travel guide

Planning for a great trip/family vacationAvoiding tourist traps/problems What destination would you like to go to? A

place that you have never been before.Where do you seek guidance from?

Our Family Trip Advisor

We value the experience of those who have been there before, walked in similar shoes, they have wisdom and understanding

Basic Communication Skills

Oral – the words, tone, emphasis with emotional underpinnings

Written – clear, to the point, edited

Non-verbal – the hidden message, congruency, connection to the words

Why do we communicate?

ControlMotivationEmotional ExpressionInformation

Two Basic Human Needs

1. A sense of control in one’s life: the less control one has, the more likely they are to go out of control to try and regain control. The less power one feels they have, the more likely they are to lose it with others. Uprisings are from not having enough “say so” over one’s existence.

Two Basic Human Needs

2. To be understood on our own terms; everyone wants and needs to be heard. If you give them understanding, they will tell you what hurts, what they need and often be able to see a solution to the issue.

Listen first, then seek to understand.

Why we need to listen

Discern what the speaker needs/wants Encourage communication Understand, clarify Gain new information, knowledge Understand feelings as well as content Gain trust, credibility Show empathy Develop rapport

The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Kim J. Sumerix, MA, LLMSW

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“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; it is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” – Winston Churchill

Watch for body language and facial expressions that indicate good engagement or that perhaps it is time to move on with the topic.

Be present

“Mindfulness means paying attention, on purpose, to one’s own thoughts, feelings and judgments . . It is the practice of being fully present in our attention to where we are, what we are doing, and what is happening at the moment.”

(Epstein, 2001)

Invite the Fight

We have ways to invite doors to be closed… “YOU” statements create a sense of defensiveness

and begin to build walls between people Questions are a form of interrogation most often

used by lawyers and police, how does that work in a family?

Commands emphasize control and can create a subversive approach to problem solving

“I” statements

I cannot argue with what my partner thinks, feels, wants, or perceives as long as they say it with an “I” statement. I want……. I need……… I feel……… I wish……….. I believe………..

Problem orientedProblem oriented Solution orientedSolution oriented

Looking backOld wounds from

the pastWhine & complainNegative Sit & wait approach

Looking forwardSearching for

answersBrainstormingPositiveAction approach

Where is our Focus?

Frontal Lobes Executive FunctionsVoluntary Movement

Judgment

Emotional regulation

Problem solving

Decisions

Planning

Creativity

Limbic System“Emotional Center of the Brain”

We know we are here when someone throws a fit, yells, cries or show aggressive body language

Brain Stem“Survival” (examples: reflexes, vital signs)

No thought takes place here and we are right next to the RAGE part of the brain, just barely above COMA

Teach during the calm!

Only when someone is thinking can real learning take place, brainstorming can happen and solutions can be found.

The family is a system

The family is more than the collection of each of the individuals within it

The family has an identity of it’s own, beyond the scope of each personal member

The family members operate differently within the family than they do when they are on their own (at school, work or play)

Keeping the lid on?

Families with long-lasting, poor communication become like a ‘pressure cooker’ that will eventually blow!

Marriage Helpers

Mentors Vitamins for marriage

Counselors Penicillin/medicine for marriage

Attorneys Surgery/amputation for marriage To be avoided wherever possible

My Role Model

Think of a couple in your life who has been a good role model of a healthy, happy marriage.

List key words to describe this couple.

Stressors for the family

Engaged & decision to marryNewlywed The birth of a childChildren entering schoolPreteens becoming teenagersLaunching adult children from the nestCouples entering midlife and retirementRemarriage

A Team Approach

How do we measure success? Create a family atmosphere Expectations are clear Emotions are honest Let others do their work We have influence –not control

What is mentoring?

The mentoring relationship is “one of the most complex and developmentally important” in a persons life.

The mentor will . . . “assist and facilitate the realization of the dream.”

TeachGuideAdviseCoachRole Model

Concepts of mentoring

Proactive - start marriage encouragement, support, & conversations before there are major problems

Simple - for the average healthy couple in the community to do with minimal training necessary

Fun - eating and sharing stories with an encouraging purpose - Engaging men. . . “Guy-Friendly Marriage Activity”

Practical - support for couples as they face new stages & adjustments in marriage - especially at new stages & transition points

Respectful - of cultures - less focus on just “middle class” marriage.

Mentors are:

Companions on the journeyGood listenersFully presentPeer supportersReferral sourcesProviders of coping strategiesPromoters of staff/parent partnershipsRole models

Mentoring skills

Active listeningShared personal storiesOpen ended questionsSuggestions from other’s life storiesCongruency of words and actionsHonest feedback, even if you do not agreeValidation of parents as positive people

Mentoring is not…

Counseling or teaching a marriage course.Taking sides or fixing couples. Parenting couples.“Telling all” or relating discouraging stories

from marriage.Telling jokes about a spouse or making

comments at his or her expense.A chauffeur, babysitter, messenger, caregiver.

We are…….

NOT a perfect person.NOT in a perfect

marriage.NOT trained to be

counselors.NOT to take

responsibility for solving the mentored couple’s problems.

NOT to have “THE” answers. We are PRACTICING!

Keep it Simple!

Sharing our happinessSharing our commitmentGiving to others - a form of sacrificeConnecting with community. . .

Responsible Mentors…

Investment - time, energy and attention to this relationship.

Service - personal sharing by mentors is done in the service of the mentored couple’s growth, adjustment, and welfare.

Safety/Security - provide an atmosphere that reduces anxiety and promotes the freedom of the mentees to share their stories.

Potential family issues

Personal issuesMental healthWorkplace challengesCoping and acceptanceMarriage and financial challengesSubstance abuse issuesStress and anxietyNutrition and dietary challengesPractical every day issues

Mentors can nurture by:

Sending notes of encouragement or calling.Keeping in touch by telephone or e-mail.

Family tips

Create a family calendar, who is where, when and what is going on.

Plan for family meals – be together without distractions, make it positive, communicate.

Family meetings to discuss issues, plans and checkup on how the family is doing (1-10).

Discussion ideas for families

ThankfulnessHealthy Marriage Habits: Showing Our Love for Each

Other In-law Relationships: Making Our Life TogetherRecreation & PlayfulnessMoney in MarriageCommunication Problem SolvingBalancing Acts: Marriage, Family, Community, and

WorkChildrenFriendship, Closeness, and IntimacyPlanning for Our FutureCelebrating the Holidays

Games of the Year

"You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation."

- Plato, Greek philosopher

Crisis work

1. Listen effectively. Give your full attention. Make sure you understand what is being communicated. Provide a supportive presence.

2. Be nonjudgmental. People in trouble need an ally, not an evaluation.

Clarify the essential dilemma. Identify the problem, the meaning the person is making of the problem, and what is needed to resolve the problem.

Set specific goals. Agree on who will take what action toward achieving them.

Determine available resources and how to mobilize them. Refer your couple to a professional if needed.

Determine your availability and assistance. Share what you can do for your family.

Provide nurturing, support, and TLC. People need comfort during difficult times.

Offer hope, encouragement, and praise. Expect a successful outcome.

Where are you now?

It is my sincere hope that there is at least one thing that might be useful in your personal life, that will allow you to become a better mentor for those around you.

What did you like about our topic today?

What point do you find most interesting or useful today?