Complete guide to assertive livingUnit 5

Are you saying what you are really feeling?

Are you doing what you really want to be doing?

Set goals for yourself

How do I know what I want?

Assertiveness training evolved out of the idea that people live better lives if they can express what they want. If they can let others know how they would like to be treated.

Some folks, however, find it hard to know what they really want from life.

If you have spent most of your life doing for others and believing that what you want is not important, it can be quite a chore to get a handle on just what is important to you.

So, what do you want?

A home.. A degree Winning a race.. Top of your profession.. A Vacation, a golf championship ?

Winning the test match or becoming a millionaire , getting a pet. Making a friend.

OrYour own swimming pool?

The first step is, to find a label for your feelings

The second, is to decide what you want to do

The third, is to do it.

Find a label for your feelings:

Anger , anxiety, boredom, discomfort , fear , happiness , irritation, love, relaxation and sadness.. are common feelings

One can express them in sentences such as..I am upset but I am not sure why

I am feeling depressed .. something feels wrong but I cant put my finger on it.

It could be a fear of some sort thats preventing you from recognizing your feelings..

Dont bog down at this stage.. Go ahead and try to express yourself.

If you do begin to recognize the underlying feeling and decide to change directions in mid stream you could say

I started out angry but realised, that what I really wanted was attention.

Behavioral model for personal growth

This is examined under the following three heads:An increasing openness to experience:An increasingly existential living An increasing trust in ones organism

But What could all these mean?

An increasing openness to experience:

How recently have you participated a new sport or game ?Changed your views on an important position [ political , personal professional ]Tried a new hobby or craft?Studied a new language or culture?Spent 15 minutes or more paying attention to your body, feelings, senses?Listened for 15 minutes or more to a viewpoint that you disagreed with, in politics religion, profession or personal areas..?Tasted a new food, smelled a new odor, listened to a new sound.. allowed yourself to cry or to say I care about you ? or laugh until you cried? or admit that you are afraid?

An increasingly existential living [heart / spontaneity/ impulse / impromptu ]

How recently have you done something you feel like doing at the spur of the moment without regard for the consequences?

Something no one expected you to do.. including yourself?

An increasing trust in ones organism; [ intuition / inner voice/ perception/ insight]

How recently have you done what felt right to you against the advice of others? Used your own intellectual reasoning ability to work out a solution to a difficult problem?Allowed yourself to experiment creatively with new approaches to old problems?Expressed an unpopular opinion assertively in the face of majority opposition?Risked sharing your personal feelings with another personAdmitted you were wrong.

Structuring your goals for the life you want to lead.

6 key factors

Personal factorsIdealsFeasibilityFlexibilityTime Priority

Personal factors

Situations that are difficult for youKey people in your lifeYour attitude, thoughts and beliefs about expressing yourselfObstacles to your assertiveness such as certain people or fears. The skills you possess relating to assertive behaviour such as eye contact, voice , volume and gestures.

Ideal or model

Select the person or people you would like to model

Focus on the qualities that you want to attain.. Such as confidence, courage, persistence, honesty.

Think often about the person.

Feasibility

Do it in small chunks.. a little each day. One thing, step by step.. Manageability of tasks is the issue here..

Flexibility

Keep reviewing your goals be flexible and adapt to the inevitable changes which will come into your life.

Timerange for goalsLong Range / Mid Range/ Short RangeLong range goalsBehave more assertively with spouse

Take more risks in my life

Reduce my anxiety about behaving assertively

Mid range One year goalsCompliment those who are close to me more frequently

Speak out in front of groups more often

Say no and stick to it [ if it is good for you and the other ]

Short rangeOne month goals:Return a faulty merchandize to the store.Get firmer in disciplining my childrenInvite a neighbour overStart listening to audio cassettes on assertiveness.

Priority

After identifying the short mid and long range, list of goals sort each group according to your own priorities. Top drawer goals which are the most importantMiddle drawer goals which are important but do not need to accomplished right awayBottom drawer goals, those goal which can be put off indefinitely without causing great stress.

Go for itSelect your goals and write them in your log, only the few goals that you want to focus on in the next few weeks or months.

Stay on your course but remain flexibleKeep track of where you have reached

Most importantlyLet this be you.

Thank you. End of unit 5