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Essentials of Confrontation
1. Be emotionally present.
Being present refers to being in touch and
in tune with our own feelings as well as
those of the other person. Presence and
connection help make confrontation
tolerable.
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Contd.2. Be clear about You and I.
Problems arise when we dont clearly distinguish our
feelings and opinions from the other persons. Instead of
saying You need to change this, say I need for you to
change this. There is an I who has a desire and a
request and there is a you who is being asked tochange something. That is clear.
3. Clarify the problem.
Be clear about the nature of the your problem with the
other person. Here are 3 important elements of theproblem itself and what you would like to see happen: (1)
Clarify the nature of the problem (2) Clarify the effects of
the problem and (3) Clarify your desire for change.
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Contd.
4. Balance grace and truth.
Grace is our being on the side of, or for the other
person as well as the relationship. Truth is the reality of
whatever we need to say about the problem. Having the
two together counters the bad effects of having one of
these by itself.
5. Stay on task.
A good confrontation has a specific and clear focus. It
can be reduced to one or both of two things: You want
the other to start doing something you want or to stop
doing something you dont want.
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Contd.
6. Use the formula, When you do A, I feel B.
One of the most powerful and effective ingredients of a
good confrontation is explaining to a person how their
attitudes or actions influence you.
7. Affirm and validate.
Affirmation and validation of a person is not rocket
science. The basic message you want to convey is that
you care about the person; you notice things they are
doing well, or you let them know you are on their side.
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Contd.
8. Apologize for your part in the problem.
Dont confront someone if you owe them an apology first.
Make sure you have a clean slate before the person.
9. Avoid shoulds. The word should feels parental and judgmental to
people. People who use many shoulds get less helpful
outcomes and reactions from other people than those
who dont.
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Confrontation TechniquesBehavioral Confrontation
It's important to remember that when you confront a
person, you shouldn't confront and accuse him of bad
character, only bad behavior. Behavior can be easily
changed, and bringing up poor performance or a lack of
attention is much better received than calling a person'sentire character into question.
Repetition
A clever person will try to throw you off of the path of
confrontation when you're working at talking to her.Repeating your request multiple times may help you stay
on track and not be swayed by other arguments the
other person is presenting.
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Contd.Agreement
Confrontation usually puts someone on the "hot seat,"
making him defend himself and feel hurt, angry and
attacked. Taking time to agree with the person you're
confronting can help relax him and take him off of the
defensive for more productive communication. Sayingthings like, "I understand why you would be upset," or,
"You have a right to be angry,"
Reasoning
Confrontation shouldn't only be about pointing out badbehavior in order to stop it. It also should involve
reasoning and sound solutions that help your friend,
family member or coworker reform the behavior that is
causing the confrontation.
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The Seven Steps of Initiating a Confrontation
State how you see the situation. Give facts, not
interpretations.
State how you understand the problem that causes this
situation. Again, give facts, results, or negative effects.
Identify the negative consequences and feelings that
result.
Get agreement on the problem
Suggest possible solutions Identify consequences of the problem continuing
State what your understanding of the agreement or
solution is.
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Behaviors to Avoid in Confrontations
Critical/judgmental/demeaning attitude
Controlling/autocratic attitude
Sarcastic Indifference
Superior/Better than attitude
Over-generalizations
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