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“Using Consultation to Find Happier and More Stable Marriages” Part II Ron Shigeta PhD Stephen Vaccaro Anna Shigeta MFT
| Date post: | 12-May-2015 |
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“Using Consultation to Find Happier and More Stable
Marriages”Part II
Ron Shigeta PhD
Stephen Vaccaro
Anna Shigeta MFT
II. Therapy and Educationbest practices
Martial Education is Effective
Stanley et al.“Premarital Education, Marital Quality, and
Marital Stability: Findings From a Large, Random Household Survey”
J Fam Psych. 2006
3000 adultsScores of different programs30% reduction in divorce,
four years out
Couples Therapy
• Couples may be easier to work with than individuals. • Because of Research, many techniques reported effective,
– discovering the client’s true meaning– demonstrating empathy and understanding– aiding to express vulnerability– allowing clients to understand family roles and
belief systems and how they affect behavior. – bring the partners back to establishing positive
regard for one another. • While research is promising, there is as yet very little research on the
techniques that are effective.– Emotionally Based Therapy is promising– Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is promising
Therapy and Education are Arts, not solved problems
• Give couples tools to find their own resolution. • Support the Marriage, do not try to find the ‘right answer’ in particular
arguments.• Particular problem solving path that works for one might not work for
another. • A therapist should tailor his/her approach to the client based on the
client’s needs, using many techniques.• The therapist must help to discover the underlying problem that has
manifested in contention. Example: couple arguing over one partner leaving the lights on. Real
problem may be that one partner feels the other is not available, using the lights to act out their distress that they are being ignored.
• Keep data on different techniques, recording how it is used and in what situations. Instilling information gained from a workshop is now considered bad practice and new therapists are lectured to constantly educate themselves, not for the simple pleasure, but to be of better service to their clients.
• If a therapist feels that he/she cannot fully help a client, it is now common for therapist to refer client to someone who can.
Marriage Education is a Marketplace
Gottman.com
CaMarriage.org
prepinc.com
prepare-enrich.com
Smartmarriages.org
III. A Bahai Inspired Marriage Curriculum
Marital ModelsGottman “Consultation in Marriage”
• Love, Friendship, Unity• Shared Goals to Improve the
World• Consultation to solve every
day problems• Overcoming deeper tests• Empathy and Unity Through
Greater understanding, success in
• Spiritual / Personal Growth• Greater intimacy
Families are inspired to grow towards each other through Spiritual Growth, defined as the improvements uncovered while solving problems through consultation.
Spiritual Prerequisites for transformative growth
• Spiritual Prerequisites– Friendship– Spiritual growth– Life Goals and Values
• Consultation– Establish Unity– Pray - Consultation is a spiritual process– During the Discussion
• Understand the spouse’s perspective (listening)• Explore a range of alternatives• Reach consensus on a plan of action
– Contention vs Differences– Spiritual Susceptibilities– Reestablish Unity if getting off track– Using the Cycle of Consultation
• Put your plan into action• Try to stay with the consulted Plan.• Reflect on plan progress
– Long term issues
The prime requisites for them that take counsel together are purity of motive,
radiance of spirit, detachment from all
else save God, attraction to His Divine
Fragrances, humility and lowliness
amongst His loved ones, patience and long-
suffering in difficulties and servitude to His exalted Threshold. Should they be graciously aided to acquire these attributes, victory from the unseen Kingdom of Baha shall be vouchsafed to them.
Practical Steps to Resolve Problems, with the Writings
• Spiritual Prerequisites– Friendship– Spiritual growth– Life Goals and Values
• Consultation– Establish Unity– Pray - Consultation is a spiritual process– During the Discussion
• Understand the spouse’s perspective (listening)• Explore a range of alternatives• Reach consensus on a plan of action
– Contention vs Differences– Spiritual Susceptibilities– Reestablish Unity if getting off track– Using the Cycle of Consultation
• Put your plan into action• Try to stay with the consulted Plan.• Reflect on plan progress
– Long term issues
“They must, when coming together, turn their faces to the Kingdom on high and ask aid from the Realm of Glory.”
“… consultation must have for its object the investigation of truth. He who expresses an opinion should not voice it as correct and right but set it forth as a contribution to the consensus of opinion”
“Speak not lest ye receive a hearing”
“… they should be ever ready to overlook each other's mistakes, apologize for harsh words they have uttered, forgive and forget.”
if you carry out your plan in unity, the truth will be revealed and the wrong made right.
“consultation, action, reflection.”
Typical Consultation Neutralizers
• Lack of love amongst consultants
• Discussion veers away from problem
• Listening during discussion
• Inequality - dominance or non-contribution
• “Truthiness” - Social politeness interferes (e.g. hurt feelings)
• No plan results from discussion
• Voting for a plan without will-full commitment
• Deviation from plan during execution
• No reflection review occurs
• Review occurs but no desire to consider plan ineffective
Farzam and MelissaFriendship Inventory
YoungJust starting out, limited resourcesTend to avoid conflictErring towards not discussing problems
They share interests in books, readingFarzam is nervous about money and appreciates
gestures of economyMelissa responds best to verbal compliments on a
regular basis.
“Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever.”
Farzam and MelissaGoals Discussion
During the “Goals” exercise, they spontaneously agree to focus on Melissa’s education as the first
step towards their future goals
“Compare the nations of the world to the members of a family. A family is a nation in miniature. Simply enlarge the circle of the household and you have the nation. Enlarge the circle of nations and you have all humanity. The conditions surrounding the family surround the nation. The happenings in the family are the happenings in the life of the nation.”
Farzam and MelissaConsultation: Discussion and Plan
Melissa and Farzam talk about a classmate, Dolores, who is frustrating Melissa by making excuses and not helping with a group project.
They agree to show love to Dolores. Farzam will support by doing the family shopping
tomorrow.
…“counsel together in all matters, inasmuch as consultation is the lamp of guidance which leadeth the way, and is the bestower of understanding.” “loving consultation should be the keynote of the marriage relationship.”
Farzam and MelissaConsultation: Reflection
After stopping to talk to an old friend, Farzam has forgotten to bring home the shopping and is late
Melissa continues to feel concern about the class project
Farzam promises to get the materials Melissa needs and other necessicites.
“Consultation, Action, Reflection”
Farzam and MelissaMaintaining Unity
Melissa starting to sound a little desperate about the project - she is working very late on it without help.
Farzam wonders whether Melissa might not be trying hard enough to get through to Dolores
Then he admits that he has also forgotten to buy supplies for the big project.
After a moment, they decide to take a prayer. After the prayer they still feel frustrated, so they agree to talk in an hour.
“Beware lest ye contend with any one, nay, strive to make him aware of the truth with kindly manner and most convincing exhortation. If your hearer respond, he will have responded to his own behoof, and if not, turn ye away from him, and set your faces towards God's sacred Court, the seat of resplendent holiness.”.
Farzam and MelissaSpiritual Susceptibilies
Coming back together, Melssa starts out with thanks to Farzam for moving so close to school and traveling so far to work every day and supporting her so much.
Farzam admits that after his long day that he cannot really do so much more.
He also apologizes for not really listening enough to Melissa. He understands how she speaks more.
They talk about Dolores and decide that the teacher has to be told of the problems with the group project and ask for an extension.
Farzam will take a day off from work to do the errands they need. For the rest of the term, Melissa will do more of the errands.
“It should be borne in mind that all consultation is aimed at arriving at a solution to a problem…”
Farzam and MelissaSpiritual Growth
It is the end of the school year and Melissa will be graduating.Both are happy though tired. Dolores has apologized for missing some meetings, though Melissa had to
work very hard and pulled the project together herself. Melissa’s teacher gave her an excellent grade on the project.
After some effort, Farzam has found work closer to home, though he is not paid as well, he feels better.
Melissa admires her husband for his sincere sacrifice and tries not to spend too much.
In their “How was your day” conversations, they both recognize that they know each other better than they had before.
Farzam is still often forgetful of chores. Melissa has learned not to worry so much about it.
Repeat.
“Bit by bit, day by day”
Resources• SmartMarriages.org Sponsors a large Annual Conference (with
scores of programs and courses)• Gottman.com - Training, materials, bibliography• PREPARE/ENRICH Conflict Inventory
prepare-enrich.com
• PrepInc.com PREP - one of the most widely used courses, christian and secular versions available.
• California Healthy Marriage Coalition
http://www.camarriage.org/• Bill Doherty’s Resources
Marriage Friendly Therapists Registry (http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/)
Thank you for your attention.Please feel free to contact us!
• Ron Shigeta [email protected]• Anna Shigeta [email protected]• Stephen Vaccaro [email protected]
