Purchasing SupportsHow to successfully negotiate getting the right supports for you

An overview of effective communication skills

available visit the clearinghouse website at

www.communitydoor.org.au/SectorReadiness

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Contents

Background........................................................3

Why effective communication is important.........4

Understanding your communication style...........5

Getting your point across effectively.................12

Plan and conduct a meeting.............................18

Tips for tough conversations.............................20

Common mistakes in communicating...............23

Resources.........................................................26

Personal action plan.........................................27

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BackgroundA key emphasis of the National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS) is to enable people with

disabilities and their families or carers to plan better for their futures and realise their

potential through greater choice and control.

There are many terms used to describe the way that we want disability service and support

systems to operate so that a person living with disability has greater control, such as

'individualised funding', 'self-managed care', 'direct payments' and 'individualised budgets'.

The key theme, or concept is the same – that the person living with disability is supported to

be in control of their support services and funding.

Through the NDIS, people with disabilities and their families or carers will be in a position to

source the right provider and support for them, negotiate with the provider around how

supports will be delivered and how the provider will manage the delivery of their support.

This contrasts with the traditional service delivery model which fits people into the services

on offer.

Self-direction is about people being at the centre of determining what they need and how

services should work for them. It re-casts people with disabilities from passive consumers or

clients into active directors of their support arrangements.

Being skilled and confident in effective communication and negotiation will be essential to

getting the right support, and developing a respectful and positive relationship with the

support provider/s. Good communication skills are also important in enabling the person with

a disability to:

Have choice and control over they what, when, where and by whom of support

Plan, implement and change the nature of supports provided by a service/person.

direct their own support if preferred

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This workbook has been developed for people with disabilities and their families or carers to

understand and develop the range of skills they need to effectively share their knowledge

and feel more confident in making decisions and choices. The areas covered include:

Understand effective communication

Explore your preferred communication and negotiation style

Learn about strategies to get your point across effectively

Prepare for and conduct a meeting

Tackle tough conversations

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Why effective communication is importantClear and effective communication is a two-way process, where each person takes

responsibility for their own part. When people communicate effectively, it helps us to:

develop productive and respectful relationships;

be more comfortable in talking about important information and share concerns;

be influential; and

achieve positive outcomes.

These same skills can help us to manage disagreement and avoid conflict.

Words often play only a small part in the messages we communicate. Other factors, such as

the way we present the words we use, our tone of our voice, and our body language –

posture, gestures, facial expressions, eye contact, and personal presentation – all play a

significant role in how we communicate. Of course, the way we communicate depends on

who our audience is and what the context is. However, whether chatting informally with

friends or participating in formal meetings, how we communicate influences other people’s

response to us, and the outcome of the interaction.

7%

55%

38%

Effective Communication

WordsNon-verbalTone of Voice

The Power of Nonverbal Communication

"Effective communication is 20% of what you know and 80% of how you feel about what you know."~ Jim Rohn

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Understanding your communication styleLearning to identify the different communication styles - and recognising which one we use

most often in our daily interactions with friends, family and others, is essential if we want to

develop effective, assertive communication skills.

Being assertive means respecting yourself and other people. It is the ability to clearly

express your thoughts and feelings through open, honest and direct communication.

Becoming more assertive does not mean that you will always get what you want - but, it can

help you achieve a compromise. And even if you don't get the outcome you want, you will

have the satisfaction of knowing that you handled the situation well, and that there are no

negative feelings between you and the other person or people involved in the discussion.

Before developing your assertive communication skills, you need to have an understanding

of what your usual style of communication is. There are five communication styles, and while

many of us may use different styles in different situations, most will fall back on one

particular style, particularly when we are not prepared or are feeling uncomfortable.

The five communication styles

1. Assertive

2. Aggressive

3. Passive-aggressive

4. Submissive

5. Manipulative

For each of these 5 styles, there are different sorts of

behaviour and language characteristic to each. By getting

to know all five styles, you can also gain a better

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understanding of and recognise the way other people communicate. This may allow for

smoother interactions with them.

The assertive style

Assertive communication is the healthiest and most effective style of communication. When

we are assertive, we can communicate confidently, we know our limits and don't allow

ourselves to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something

from us.

Behavioural characteristics

Achieving goals without hurting others

Protective of own rights and respectful

of others' rights

Socially and emotionally expressive

Making your own choices and taking

responsibility for them

Asking directly for what we want, while

accepting the possibility of rejection

Accepting compliments

Non-verbal behaviour

Voice – medium pitch and speed and

volume

Posture – open posture, relaxed, no

fidgeting

Gestures – even, rounded, expansive

Facial expression – good eye contact

Spatial position – in control, respectful

of others

Language

"Please would you turn the volume

down? I am really struggling to

concentrate on reading this."

"I am very sorry, but I won't be able to

attend that meeting as I have another

appointment."

People on the receiving end feel

They can take the person at their word

They know where they stand with the

person

The person can cope with justified

criticism and accept compliments

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The person can look after themselves

Respect for the person

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The aggressive style

This style is often about winning and most times at someone else's expense. An aggressive

person behaves as if their needs are the most important, as though they have more rights,

and have more to contribute than other people. It is an ineffective communication style as

the content of the message may get lost because people are too busy reacting to the way it's

delivered.

Behavioural characteristics

Frightening, threatening, loud, hostile Willing to achieve goals at expense of

others

Out to "win"

Demanding, abrasive

Explosive, unpredictable

Intimidating

Bullying

Non-verbal behaviour

Voice – volume is loud Posture – 'bigger than' others

Gestures - big, fast, sharp/jerky

Facial expression – scowl, frown, glare

Spatial position - Invade others' personal space, try to stand 'over' others

Language

"You are wrong!" "Do it my way!"

"Stop talking and listen to me!"

"Why do you make everything so difficult?"

Sarcasm, name-calling, threatening, blaming, insulting.

People on the receiving end feel

Defensive, aggressive (withdraw or fight back)

Uncooperative

Resentful/

Humiliated/degraded

Hurt

Afraid

A loss of respect for the aggressive person

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Mistakes and problems are not reported to an aggressive person in case they "explode”. Others are afraid of being railroaded, exploited or humiliated.

The passive-aggressive style

This is a style in which people appear passive on the surface, but are actually acting out

their anger in indirect or behind-the-scenes ways. People who act in passive-aggressive

ways often do in order to deal with an overwhelming lack of power. People who behave in

this manner usually feel powerless and resentful, and express their feelings by subtly

undermining the object (real or imagined) of their resentments.

Behavioural characteristics Indirectly aggressive Sarcastic

Unreliable

Complaining

Sulky

Gossips

Two-faced - Pleasant to people to their faces, but nasty behind their backs (rumours, sabotage etc.) People do things to actively harm the other party.

Non-verbal behaviour Voice – Often speaks with a polite sweet

voice. Posture – often asymmetrical – e.g.

Standing with hand on hip, and hip thrust out (when being sarcastic or patronising)

Gestures – Can be jerky, quick

Facial expression – Often looks sweet and innocent

Spatial position – often too close, even touching other as pretends to be warm and friendly

Language Passive-aggressive language is when

you say something like "Why don't you go ahead and do it; my ideas aren't very good anyway" but maybe with a

People on the receiving end feel Confused Angry

Hurt

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little undertone such as "You always know better anyway."

"Oh don't you worry about me, I can sort myself out – like I usually have to."

Resentful

The submissive style

This style is about pleasing other people and avoiding conflict. A submissive (or passive)

person behaves as if other peoples' needs are more important, and other people have more

rights and more to contribute.

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Behavioural characteristics

Apologetic (feel as if you are imposing when you ask for what you want)

Avoiding any confrontation

Finding difficulty in taking responsibility or decisions

Succumbing to someone else's preferences (and denying own rights and needs)

Opting out

Feeling like a victim

Blaming others for events

Refusing compliments

Inexpressive (of feelings and desires)

Non-verbal behaviour

Voice – Volume is soft Posture – make themselves as small

as possible, head down

Gestures – twist and fidget

Facial expression – no eye contact

Spatial position – make themselves smaller/lower than others

Language

"Oh, it's nothing, really." "Oh, that's all right; I didn't want it

anymore."

"You choose; anything is fine."

People on the receiving end feel

Exasperated Frustrated

Guilty

You don't know what you want (and so discount you)

They can take advantage of you.

Others resent the low energy surrounding the submissive person and eventually give up trying to help them because their efforts are subtly or overtly rejected.

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The manipulative style

Manipulative communicators are skilled at influencing or controlling others to their own

advantage. Their spoken words hide an underlying message, of which the other person may

be totally unaware.

Behavioural characteristics

Crafty

Controlling of others in an devious way

– for example, by sulking

Asking indirectly for needs to be met

e.g. “No, it is ok, you go and have fun

while I organise dinner”

Making others feel obliged or sorry for

them.

Uses 'artificial' tears

Non-verbal behaviour

Voice – patronising, envious, often high

pitch

Facial expression – Can put on the

“poor me" expression

Language

"You are so lucky to have those

chocolates, I wish I had some. I can't

afford such expensive chocolates."

"I didn't have time to buy anything, so

I had to wear this dress. I just hope I

don't look too awful in it." ('Fishing' for

a compliment).

People on the receiving end feel

Guilty

Frustrated

Angry, irritated or annoyed

Resentful

Others feel they never know where

they stand with a manipulative person

and are annoyed at constantly having

to try to work out what is going on.

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Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness. Once you understand

your own communication style, it is much easier to identify any weaknesses or areas which

can be improved on, if you want to start communicating in a more assertive manner.

A good understanding of the five basic styles of communication will also help you learn how

to respond most effectively when confronted with a difficult person.

In summary:

Aggressive behaviourI am direct in expressing my needs, wants

and opinions and I give no thought to other

people’s.

I win, you lose

Assertive behaviourI clearly express my needs, wants and

opinions in a way which is considerate of

others

I win, you win

Passive-aggressive behaviourI indirectly make sure that others are aware

of my needs, wants and opinions and that

these are more important than theirs

I win, you lose

Passive behaviourI do not express my needs, wants and

opinions directly. I put others’ needs above

my own.

I lose, you win

Which is your preferred communication style (the one you tend to use most of the time?)

Think of a recent example when you used this communication style?

Which other communication style have you used before? Think of an example. Was it effective?

Did you get the outcome you wanted? How did using this communication style make you feel?

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Getting your point across effectively There are a number of useful strategies we can use to communicate clearly and effectively,

that help us develop productive and respectful relationships, be influential, and achieve

positive outcomes. While being assertive in communication was discussed previously, this

section will briefly explore this and 3 other strategies.

Being assertive – expressing our views confidently and clearly without being

aggressive or passive 

Active Listening – a conscious and active approach to listening to others 

Using “I” statements - expressing thoughts, feelings and needs without placing

blame on others

Choosing the most effective delivery method

Being assertive

Being assertive is a way of thinking, behaving and communicating that allows us to express

our views and stand up for our own rights, while respecting the rights of others. Being

assertive enables us to confidently and appropriately express our thoughts, feelings and

needs, and deal with difficult situations without being passive or aggressive.

All people have human rights that give us dignity as individuals. By not allowing your rights

to be violated you are not being selfish but are maintaining your self-respect and self-worth.

As well as being aware of your own rights, if you respect other people’s rights you have the

foundation for assertive communication.

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Skills and essentials for being assertive

Believe in yourself and know your own worth. Be confident. Value yourself and your

contribution.

Learn to say ‘no’ with confidence. Recognise that others have the right to say no too,

and don’t feel rejected when others say no.

Be clear and specific when expressing your point of view. Say what you mean. Ask

for what you want.

Respect the rights and opinions of other people.

Ask for and provide constructive feedback.

Use active listening skills to engage meaningfully with others. (see next section)

Seek clarification when you do not understand something.

Ask for help without feeling guilty or inadequate.

Use “I” statements (see next section).

Be calm and controlled and do not lose your temper.

Describe how you see the current situation and how you would like it to be different.

Express your feelings without judgement or justification.

Be respectful of others. Always communicate respectfully.

The rules of assertion1

1 Dr Williams. C.(2001) Overcoming Depression: A Five Areas Approach. Arnold Publishers. UK.

I have the right to:

1. Respect myself – who I am and what I do

2. Recognise my own needs as an individual – that is separate from what is expected

of me in particular roles, such as “son”, “daughter”, “mother”.

3. Make clear “I” statements about how I feel and what I think. For example. “I feel very

uncomfortable with your decision”.

4. Allow myself to make mistakes. Recognising that it is normal to make mistakes

5. Change my mind, if I choose

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How much do you believe in each of these rules and put them into practice?

Active listening

Listening is just as important in the communication process as talking. Active listening is a

way of listening that intentionally focuses entirely on what the other person is saying, where

the listener seeks to understand both the content of the message, and the emotions and

feelings underlying the message. The listener is not required to agree with the speaker, just

to try to understand what the speaker is saying. It’s important that the listener suspends their

own opinions and judgement, to fully attend to the speaker. Active listening is particularly

useful in situations where understanding is critical, in emotionally charged situations, and in

resolving conflict.

I have the right to:

1. Respect myself – who I am and what I do

2. Recognise my own needs as an individual – that is separate from what is expected

of me in particular roles, such as “son”, “daughter”, “mother”.

3. Make clear “I” statements about how I feel and what I think. For example. “I feel very

uncomfortable with your decision”.

4. Allow myself to make mistakes. Recognising that it is normal to make mistakes

5. Change my mind, if I choose

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Skills for active listening

Remove distractions and give the speaker your full attention

Give the other person the space they need to talk. Avoid interrupting them.

Be interested and engaged, and show this in your body language, for example through

nodding, leaning forward, and making or maintaining eye contact (though be aware,

eye contact may be inappropriate in some cultures).

Indicate whether you follow what the speaker is saying. Paraphrase their words

demonstrating your understanding of what they are saying. Make sure you do

understand, and if you don’t, tell them. Don’t pretend you understand if you really don’t.

If appropriate, ask questions – want to know more.

Acknowledge how the speaker might be feeling, e.g. “you sound frustrated / upset /

excited”.

Be aware of non-verbal cues and respond to them.

Allow silences in the conversation – you don’t need to fill all the space with talk.

An example of hearing versus active listening

Example 1: Hearing

Person being supported (Melissa): Hello Wendy, I know we had planned to go out today

to watch the concert but I don’t really want to do that now. Can we do something else?

Staff person (Wendy): But I have been rostered on to support you for the next 4 hours and

have arranged tickets and organised transport. We were home yesterday, so it would be

good to get out today.

Melissa: I don’t want to go to that place, it is always cold.

Wendy: Sorry Melissa, this is what we had planned so we have to do it. You will like it when

we get there – I know you will.

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Example 2: Active listening

Person being supported (Melissa): Hello Wendy, I know we had planned to go out today

to watch the concert but I don’t really want to do that now. Can we do something else?

Staff person (Wendy): Sounds like you have changed your mind since yesterday when we

talked about going to the concert. I thought you were looking forward to it?

Melissa: I was then but I don’t want to go anymore.

Wendy: Yesterday you sounded excited about going, but today you sound different. Are you

tired, or is there something else worrying you about going?

Melissa: Well I am a bit tired and I don’t know if I want to stay the whole time. And the

theatre is always cold and I get hungry.

Wendy: Well let’s think about what we could do so you could still go, because I remember

yesterday you were pretty excited. We could make a plan should you want to leave early or if

you get hungry. And we need to take something to keep you warm. If we talked about those

things and made a plan, would you like to still go?

Using “I” statements

“I” statements

“I” statements begin with the word “I” and describe how a situation is for us – how we see it

or what we are feeling – without blaming or hurting the other person. Using “I” statements

allows us to take responsibility for our own feelings and our part in the situation. They allow

us to clearly communicate the impact of another person’s behaviours or actions on us, and

to offer a solution. When we use “I” statements, the other person is more likely to hear what

we are saying and respond constructively to our concerns, rather than getting angry or

defensive. Here is a guide:

I feel… [say what you feel]

when… [state the issue or problem]

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because… [say how you are affected by the issue or problem]

and from now on… [say what you want to happen].

For example: “I feel frustrated when you finish my sentences, because I know what I want

to say and from now on I would prefer you wait for me to finish.”

“I” statements can also be used effectively in constructive criticism. For example, saying "I

had to read the information you gave me three times before I understood it", rather than,

"This letter is worded in a really confusing way" or "You need to learn how to write more

clearly”, removes the element of blame while providing constructive feedback on the report.

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How could you reword the following, using “I” statements?

Choose one statement to try:

“You are always late to pick me up”

“You give really difficult instructions”

“You don’t seem to listen to what I say”

Communicate with “I” statements

I feel…

When…

Because…

What I want/need is…

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Choosing the most effective delivery method

With so many ways to send a message available to us – e-mail, text, phone, letter, face-to-

face, which method is the best to use?

Although face-to-face communication conveys the most information (words plus tone of

voice plus body language plus immediate feedback), the most effective and efficient method

for a message depends on the situation. The criteria for choosing written or oral

communication is provided in the table below.

When deciding whether to talk over the phone, meet with, or e-mail or text a message to

someone, you should consider time and cost limits, the complexity and sensitivity of the

issue, the need for a record of the communication, the need for feedback, and the

capabilities of the audience.

The more sensitive a message or situation, the more opportunity there should be for

nonverbal communication. Face-to-face meetings reduce the likelihood of

miscommunication. Meetings also allows the message sender to defuse anger and dispel

misconceptions and give the receivers a chance to air their feelings and ask questions.

Should I put it in writing?

Use written communication when:

You can wait for the receiver to read it You can’t afford to bring people together

The message is complex

The information is more factual then sensitive

You won’t be embarrassed for others to read the message

You need a written record of the communication

The receiver is able to read your language and use your technology (print, email, share file, text etc.)

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Use oral communication when:

The message is sensitive You need immediate feedback

The receiver may have difficulty reading

You want to build a relationship

You want to see the reaction

Plan and conduct a meeting

Whether you have organised the meeting yourself or are invited to attend a meeting there

are some key steps involved to ensure the meeting is effective and the outcome is positive.

Prepare for the meeting

Ask yourself the questions - What is the purpose of the meeting? What do you hope

to accomplish? What would be the ideal outcome?

Ensure you have had time to read any relevant information before the meeting. Think

about and write down any questions you may have from the information you have

read.

Check the location of the meeting – will it be comfortable and safe for all

participants? Will it be free of distractions?

Check how you are feeling about the meeting – will your attitude toward the

conversation influence your perception of it? If you think it will be difficult and

confusing, it probably will be. Try to have a positive attitude for maximum

effectiveness.

Conduct the meeting

Whether you are leading the meeting or someone else is, these are good tips for an effective

meeting.

Be clear on the goals. All participants need to be clear on the goals or outcomes

that they are trying to achieve as a result of the meeting. Make sure these are

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discussed fully and agreed. For example, “The purpose of us meeting today is to

discuss how the organisation works out the costs for services”. “Is there anything

else you would like to discuss today?”

Keep focus. During meetings it is easy to drift off the point and talk about other

matters. Keep the focus on goals or outcomes to make sure the meeting stays on

track.

Involve all participants. Look for ways to involve those people who are less vocal

as they often have valuable contributions to make and may need some

encouragement. Asking “what do you think of that idea?” can be a way of getting

them involved.

Actively listen. Listen to not just want is being said, but how it is being said. You can

do this by paying attention to the non-verbal signs like body language and the overall

atmosphere in the room.

Summarise periodically. Sometimes meetings move quickly and a lot can be going

on. It is useful to summarise what is being said or decided on. This helps keep the

meeting focussed and stay on track and clarify the information being shared.

Take notes. Have someone in the meeting keep a record of what is being discussed

and any decisions being made. This will help as a reminder later on as to what you

may need to do. If any actions came out of the meeting, this will also be a record of

what is required, by whom and by when.

Follow-up and ongoing communication

Depending on the outcome from the meeting, you may be required to have ongoing

communication with the other people involved in the meeting. If this is required it may be

worthwhile checking with them to ask about their preferred method for communication and

who you should be communicating with around specific issues, (is it always the same person

or is it someone different for financial matters, or staff matters or general information?). At

this point it is also important to let them know of your preferred communication method.

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Tips for tough conversationsDespite practicing good communication techniques, there are times when you need to talk to

someone about something and you know it is going to be tough, challenging or difficult.

Those times when you know you should talk to someone, but don’t; or you have talked to

them before and it went badly, or you fear that raising a subject will end badly, or you are

feeling upset or angry about something and want to let other people know about it.

The following tips will help you to prepare for the conversation and also give you some ideas

to use during the conversation2.

Prepare for the conversation

1. Before going to the conversation it is important to identify the intent. Think about both

short-term goals (the specific requests you want to make) as well as long-term goals (the

importance of the relationships involved).

2. What assumptions are you making about the other person’s intentions? You may feel

intimidated, disrespected, ignored, hurt, but be cautious about assuming that was their

intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.

3. Conversations become difficult when our feelings and emotions are involved. Emotions

cloud our judgment and ability to see the situation clearly. We often have previous

experiences or stories that impact how we see a situation. The first step in a difficult

conversation is to look within ourselves.

4. Is your attitude towards the conversation influencing your perception of it? If you believe

it may be uncomfortable and difficult, it probably will be. Try to approach with a positive

attitude for maximum effectiveness.

5. What are your needs and fears? Are there common concerns?

6. How have you contributed to the problem? How have they contributed?

2 Ringer, J. (2005). Power and Presence Training. http://www.JudyRinger.com

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Pick the right time and place for the conversation

When planning a “difficult conversation,” the time and place can make a difference in your

outcome. Choose an environment where noise and disruptions can be minimised and you

will have enough time to have a quality conversation. In addition, think about timing – will the

other person be in the right frame of mind (hopefully a time when they have a positive view

of you and the relationship is positive or at least neutral)?

What to practice during the conversation

Inquiry

Approach the conversation with a learning attitude- that is one of discovery and curiosity.

Assume you know very little and try to learn as much as possible about the other person and

their point of view. Practice active listening to understand their position, their values and

priorities. Be willing listen without judgment and without an investment in you being right and

them being wrong.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes

Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes helps us realize that there are many ways to

look at the same situation. We often have a lot invested in “being right” about a given

situation or that there is only “one way” to interpret a situation and that is never the case. We

need to remind ourselves of our intent vs. our unconscious need to be right and to get our

way.

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Bring empathy to the difficult conversation3

This can be done by:

Putting the other person at ease (if the situation is difficult for you, it is likely to be

difficult for them).

Start with the common objectives you both have.  Ask them what their objectives are

in this situation.

Clearly state your desired outcome. Instead of asking for their agreement or

disagreement, keep your questions open. Ask them for their thoughts and feeling on

this subject.

Help them feel heard by repeating what you’ve heard them say and clarifying it.

When people feel heard their resistance lowers. If there are questions you have, ask

them with open curiosity rather than blame.

Be willing and open to finding a different solution than what you initially identified.

When you are willing to “give up” on your agenda in search of a better solution for

everyone, the other person is often likely to reciprocate.

Summarise the agreements and thank them for being open to listening to you in the

conversation. This may or may not be the last conversation on this topic, so leaving it

in a way that keeps the door open for a productive future conversation and

relationship is important.

Before initiating a conversation that may be difficult, practice with a friend before holding the

real one.

Some ideas for a role play you could do with a friend:

Talking to someone who is always late to pick you up

Letting an organisation know that you don’t want them to support you anymore

Making a complaint to a government department

3 Henna Inam, Seven Steps to Make A Difficult Conversation Easier. http://www.transformleaders.tv/seven-steps-to-make-a-difficult-conversation-easier/

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Talking to someone in your house who always leaves a mess

Challenging a bill from a service provider

Common mistakes in communicatingWhile we know that good communication can improve relationships by building trust and

mutual respect, the opposite is also true – poor communication can damage relationships,

creating mistrust and often conflict.

Below are some examples of negative communication patterns that can exacerbate conflict.

Avoiding conflict altogether

Rather than discussing building frustrations in a calm, respectful manner, some people don't

say anything until they're ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry, hurtful way.

While this seems to be the less stressful pathway - avoiding an argument altogether, it

usually causes more stress to both parties as tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much

bigger argument eventually results. It's much healthier to address and resolve conflict.

Being defensive

Rather than addressing a person's complaints with an objective eye and willingness to

understand the other person's point of view, defensive people steadfastly deny any

wrongdoing and work hard to avoid looking at the possibility that they could be contributing

to a problem. Denying responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but

creates long-term problems when people don't feel listened to and unresolved conflicts

continue to grow.

Overgeneralising

When something happens that they don’t like, some people blow it out of proportion by

making sweeping generalizations. Avoid starting sentences with, "You always…" and, "You

never…" as in, "You always tell me what to do!" or, "You never listen to anything I say!" Stop

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and think about whether or not this is really true. This stands in the way of true conflict

resolution, and increases the level of conflict.

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Being right

It can be damaging to decide that there's a "right" way to look at things and a "wrong" way to

look at things, and that your way of seeing things is right. Don't demand that the other

person see things the same way, and don't take it as a personal attack if they have a

different opinion. Look for a compromise or agreeing to disagree, and remember that there's

not always a "right" or a "wrong," and that two points of view can both be valid.

Mind-reading

Instead of asking about the other persons thoughts and feelings, people sometimes decide

that they "know" what others are thinking and feeling based only on interpretations of their

actions--and always assume it's negative! (For example, deciding a late staff member

doesn't care enough to be on time, or that a quiet person is disinterested). This creates

hostility and misunderstandings. It's important to keep in mind that we all come from a

unique perspective, and work hard to assume nothing; really listen to the other person and

let them explain where they are coming from.

Forgetting to listen

Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what they're going to say next instead of

truly listening and attempting to understand the other person. Don't underestimate the

importance of active listening in communication.

Playing the blame game

Some people handle conflict by criticising and blaming the other person for the situation.

They see admitting any weakness on their own part as a weakening of their credibility, and

avoid it at all costs, and even try to shame them for being "at fault." Instead, try to view

conflict as an opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both

parties and come up with a solution that helps both of you.

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Trying to "win" the argument

If you are focused on "winning" the argument, the relationship will lose. The point of a

discussion should be mutual understanding and coming to an agreement or resolution that

respects everyone’s needs. If you’re making a case for how wrong the other person is,

discounting their feelings, and staying stuck in your point of view, it will not end with a

positive outcome for all involved.

Making character attacks

Sometimes people take any negative action from a person and blow it up into a personality

flaw. (For example, if a person always dresses casually, looking it as a character flaw and

label them "lazy, and not caring about themselves" or, if a person wants to know details

about something, labeling them as "needy," or "too demanding.") This creates negative

perceptions on both sides. Remember to respect the person, even if you don't like the

behavior.

Stonewalling

When one person wants to discuss troubling issues, sometimes people defensively

stonewall, or refuse to talk or listen to the other person. This shows disrespect while at the

same time letting the underlying conflict grow. Stonewalling solves nothing, but creates hard

feelings and damages relationships. It’s much better to listen and discuss things in a

respectful manner

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How do I continue to improve my communication skills?The art of effective communication is like any art – with continued practice your skill level

improves and you will approach conversations with ease and confidence.

Practice, practice, practice!

There are often formal opportunities for learning available in your local community. Below is

a selection of some organisations that may offer further learning or training in your

community:

Toastmasters International. This is a not for profit training organisation that focuses

on communication and leadership development. Clubs are available throughout

Australia. http://www.toastmasters.org.au/

TAFE courses (contact your local TAFE campus)

Job Readiness courses (contact your local Centrelink or Job Network agencies)

Parent and Carer Organisations:

- ARAFMI - http://www.arafmiqld.org/?page=89

- Carers Qld - http://carersqld.asn.au/free-advocacy-skills-training-workshops

- Parent2Parent - http://www.parent2parentqld.org.au/training/cass.php

“Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so

that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the

sharpness, the clarity and the emotions to affect other people.”

Jim Rohn

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ResourcesHenna Inam, Seven Steps to Make A Difficult Conversation Easier.

http://www.transformleaders.tv/seven-steps-to-make-a-difficult-conversation-easier/

Judy Ringer. (2005). Power and Presence Training. http://www.JudyRinger.com

Dr Chris Williams. (2001) Overcoming Depression: A Five Areas Approach. Arnold

Publishers. UK.

Claire Newton. The Five Communication Styles. http://www.clairenewton.co.za/tag/the-five-

communication-styles.html

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Personal action planWhat are some ideas from the workbook that you would like to put into action?

Action commitments How would you like to do this? By when?

1.

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Action commitments How would you like to do this? By when?

2.

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Action commitments How would you like to do this? By when?

3.

4.

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For more information and resources, visit the Sector Readiness and Workforce Capacity Initiative

Clearinghouse: http://Communitydoor.org.au/SectorReadiness

The Sector Readiness and Workforce Capacity Initiative is a collaboration between the Department of

Communities, Child Safety and Disability Services, Health and Community Services Workforce Council,

National Disability Services Queensland and the Southern Queensland Institute of TAFE.