Conversations Leading to AgreementVictoria Pynchon, Esq.

She Negotiates Consulting and Training

In recent days, its been suggested to me (the generic woman) that I find a way to deepen my voice (Executive Presence); jettison my womanly emotions in the workplace (don’t cry!); act more like a guy, act less like a guy, get the best seat at the conference table, improve my handshake, ask for more money, pay more attention to my family, pay more attention to my social network, learn to golf, start reading the sports page, seek sponsors, seek mentors, brag about my accomplishments, conform my behavior to feminine stereotypes, use man-rules to play the competitive capitalist game, and, for heaven’s sake never, ever to curse in public. Over at Princeton, it’s even been suggested to young women that they find a good provider before graduation.

You. Are. Fine. Just. The. Way. You. Are.

The Performer: Mick Jagger --a classic expression of feeling powerful in the moment-it causes you to physically expand.

Use. What. You’ve. Got.

The Classic: Wonder WomanShe's really opening up. The feet spread, the hands on the hips. She's taking up space.

Be. Who. You. Are.

The Loomer: Lyndon Johnson was 6'4", and he used his stature very thoughtfully to both intimidate and seduce.

No. One. Is. The. Boss. Of. You.

The CEO: Oprah Winfrey The body language naturally

projects dominance. It's unusual to see a

woman

We continue to labor under stereotypes to our detriment

Identical Resumes“Obvious” African-American Name vs. “White” Name

Woman’s Name vs. Man’s Name

Often we’re simply overlooked

Or they make us pink

Men too suffer from stereotypes

What’s Your

Super Power?

• Age• Experience• Authority• Threats• Ridicule• Power to build coalitions• Power to Withhold – cooperation –benefits

Sources of Power

POWER

• What is your authority• What resources can you deploy• What punishments can you

employ• How willing are you to use your

power• Is it power-over or power-to

and power-with• Where is the power in your firm• How can you accrete more of

that power to yourself or your allies?

Conversations Leading to Agreement

Open with small talk

Establish affinity

Build trust

Ask questions calling for “yes” or “no” answer•Is it a bad time for the firm??•Is the firm not hiring anyone this year?•Are you angry at me?•Should I be talking to someone else?

Ask questions calling for a narrative answer•What’s the best time to talk hiring?•How do you see us staffing the Microsoft case?•Who else might be good to talk to?•What circumstances would justify the hire?

What do they want?What do they need?Who do they need to satisfy?What just happened?What are their preferences?What are their priorities?What do they value?What is their mission?What constrains them from acting?What motivates them?What are their attitudes toward the future?What are their short- and long-term goals?

• Make your proposal• Give yourself room to concede• Tie concessions to reciprocity• Give good reasons• Stress difficulty of concession• Trade items of low cost to you

and high value to them• Reframe• Re-anchor• Appeal to shared values/goals• Always be closing

5-Minute MBA (without the math)

Difficult People

Bullying• Irrational demands

• Belligerent refusals to cooperate

• Name calling

• Shunning

• Back Biting

• Obstruction

• Extortion– Quid pro quo– threats

• Shunning• Gamesmanship• Shaming

Deliberate and Repeated Abuse of

Power

Bullying is a Behavior Not a Person and It’s Not One Person But

Two

Who Bullied you?Who Have You Bullied?

Left outIsolatedUnwelcomeDisconnectedJudgedMisunderstoodTargetedOverwhelmedFrustrated DisappointedGuiltyEmbarrassed

They are not irrational; they have hidden constraints– Institutional– Precedential– Promises to others– Deadlines

I is for Idiot copyright 2010 Reason Press

• They’re not difficult, they are uninformed– Educate them about their

true interests, consequences of their actions

– Help them understand what is in their best interest

– May have misunderstood or ignored a crucial piece of information

O Is for Outlaw copyright 2010 Reason Press

They’re not evil; they have hidden interests– Personal (unrelated

to you or deal)– Relational (related to

you but not to the deal, i.e., “face”)

– Political, social, cultural

Z is for Zen Master copyright 2010 Reason Press

Tit for Tat?

Cooperate Retaliate for Betrayal

Forgive Return to

Cooperation

The tit for Tat player is neither

repeatedly victimized nor

locked into mutually costly

chains of betrayal

conditional cooperation is

more effective than

threats, shaming, shunning,

back-biting and the like

what if you had to measure the size of something by using two frames?

what if you could only use one?

a means of influencing another’s perception by narrowing the ways in which an item or an idea can be characterized

Create The Future of Your Profession And Your Place In It

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