THE VIBRANT RELATIONSHIPDeveloping Acknowledging Intimacy

Kirsten Seidenfaden & Piet Draiby

LONDON20.-21. Oktober 2012

My Baggage:

Attachment Behavior

Brain development

Survival Strategies

My stories

We can free ourselves from

old habits and

survival strategies

PROBLEMS

- may not be solved

- but they may dissolve

Key concepts:

The Space

The Bridge

The Encounter

Appreciation ------ Acknowledgment

Sympathy ------ Empathy

Key concept:

Acknowledging Intimacy

(in-to-me-se)

Key processes:

The Acknowledging Dialogue

Mirroring Acknowledging

Empathizing

Purposes of ”The dialogue of Acknowledgment”:

Establishing - a safe space

- a clear sturcture

- contact

- Calm and easy going pace

When Mirroring

- the listeners responsibility is to be1. aware of what is said2. attentive through the whole process3. curious as to your partners experience4. willing to let go of own thoughts and feelings

- The storytellers responibility is to 1 talk about her-/himself : ”- I am/feel - ” etc..2 avoid criticising your partner3 express him/-herself as precisely and briefly as

possible4 talk about one theme at a time5 listening attentively to your partners mirroring – no

interruptions

Attachment Emotional attunement and mirroring

being attentive and predictable

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Our Bio-psycho-social destiny

We are born in connection

We suffer in solitude

We develop in relation

cit. Anne-Lise Løvlie Schibby

Attachment Theory:

The ways we formattachments to other people

The Securely attached child will develop more competence

The Insecurely attached child will develop more survival

strategies

Attachment possibilities Secure Attachement: Child – grown up

Acquired secure Attachment: Grown up – Grown up

Mentalizing – or in plain language:

Acknowledging intimacy

- is a capacity we can develop throughout life

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By Mentalizing you simultaneously draw on your ability to:

-regulate stress – regulating theintensity of your emotions-keep up your attention

- empathize and understand

As well as furthering the development of these core functions

”- given the range of evidence …. we are drawn inevitably to suggest: In order to help children

grow from their earl iest childhood forward toward their full social and emotional potential, a central

aim of intervention and prevention work must be to encourage ref lect ive functioning in parents or

parents-to-be.”

From:Howard Steele & Miriam Steele In: Mentalization, Frederic N. Busch (ed.), The Analytic Press, London 2008.

From The London Parent Child Project:

The Cogwheels and the Gear shift

Breakdown and

Restoration

of the Acknowledging Intimacy

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