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26 I JEWISH ACTION Winter 5773/2012

CoverStory

StrikingaBalanceWORK & FAMILY

Illustration: Laura Smith

Winter 5773/2012 JEWISH ACTION I 27

ere are writer Barbara Bensoussan’s im-pressions after interviewing some of theseremarkable women:

Meeting so many accomplished, ex-ceptional women, even over the phone,was a humbling and enriching experi-ence. Very few of us, myself included,

are able to maintain such high levels of professionalproductivity while simultaneously assuring that noduty on the home or family front gets neglected.What is their secret? As I conducted the interviews,a few common threads emerged.

For starters, the most high-powered intervie-wees seemed to possess an extraordinary level ofphysical vitality. They also appear capable of func-tioning on a minimal amount of sleep. Lydia Kesswas a very athletic teenager, and Jessica Jacob saysshe learned to forgo sleep in medical school (andcontinues to get up at 4:30 in the morning to workout on the StairMaster, even after nighttimebaby deliveries).

Some of that vitality appears to derive fromsomething else these women have in common: apassion for their work. These are women who clearlyfind joy and satisfaction in their chosen professions.Instead of being depleted by their work, they feel en-ergized and fulfilled by it. Dr. Jacob cheerfully saysshe doesn’t take vacations, but she doesn’t care; she’svery happy just to be living the life she’s chosen.Anne Neuberger says her husband sometimes has toremind her to come home. Lydia Kess likened herwork in law to doing challenging puzzles.

These women have largely been blessed withlow-maintenance husbands who support theirwives’ careers. Consistent, reliable household andbabysitting help is also crucial. Housework is thefirst thing to be outsourced, being an area where aJewish mother can most painlessly be replaced. Allthese women do their own cooking, but they arequick to avow that they make simple recipes andrarely fuss.

Most of them admit that the biggest challenge isfinding quality time not with their children, but withspouses. A job makes its demands loudly and clearly,and children always manage to pull their mothers totheir sides. But we tend to assume that our inde-pendent adult spouses are fine if left to themselves.This is an assumption, however, that these womenare smart enough to recognize as unsound.

They’re also quick to admit to the personal sacri-fices. If you want to devote many hours to a de-manding career, but refuse to stint on family time,what is usually sacrificed is “me” time: making timefor friends, going to simchahs in the evening, pursu-ing hobbies.

Children, work, spouse—there’s no time formuch else when you take all those roles seriously.But the takeaway is that if you deeply love what youdo, you can wear the burden of a career lightly, andcome home not drained, but brimming over with en-thusiasm.

Please note that, where requested, names and identifying in-formation have been changed to ensure anonymity.

Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Stressed. Somewhatsuprisingly, few of the women we interviewed forour cover story on balancing career and family used thewords above to describe their very full lives. This is not tosay that they are happy and fulfilled all of the time, that theynever feel torn or conflicted, and that they don’t feel thestress of living harried lives (carpool at 7:45 am, catch an 8:31train to Manhattan). But the reality is that many frum womenwork full time, for a variety of reasons, and find immense ful-fillment and satisfaction in building Torah-true families

while contributing to society in other ways as well.


t’s hard with all the expecta-tions we live with these days.Everyone has ideas about how ayoung woman should spend her

time, and whatever she does, there’s noshortage of voices telling her she’smaking the wrong choice—even if theyare just the voices inside her own head.

I’ve held many different positionsover the course of my career, and therhythm was different for each job.When I started out, I worked as a

teacher. I had a morning babysitterand all my motherly and housekeepingduties took place in the afternoon andevening. Then I started graduateschool. My children were young andwould go to sleep at a certain time;then I would leave to attend classes.But that didn’t last long! With school-aged kids, family time in the evening isimportant, so I would often go back towork late at night. In New York, com-muting takes time. It makes moresense to do work at home when itspills over from standard office hours,which in my line of work, it almost al-ways does. As your kids get older, it isvery important to set aside time on aregular basis to “schmooze” with eachchild individually.

Needless to say, there’s no way I dideverything. If any woman thinks thatshe can do everything to perfectionwithout help—parenting, running ahousehold, living a Torah lifestyle,being a good neighbor and friend andworking outside the home—she’s goingto be very unhappy, because there’s noway any human being can hold herselfto that kind of standard. Some thingsjust won’t happen, and I feel bettermaking that choice consciously ratherthan be disappointed in myself for notreaching unrealistic goals.

I have a very supportive husbandwho did, and still does, pitch in andhelp. We don’t stand on ceremonyabout who does what; he’s a very in-volved father. I also use as much clean-ing help as I can afford. I’ve learned toimprovise when I don’t have time forthe perfect outcome, and my sons cook.

As individuals, I think we would behealthier if, instead of looking at all thethings we’re not doing, we would focuson the things we are doing, and honorand embrace the values and commit-ments that are driving our decisions.There’s only a limited amount of timein the day, and when you choose to say“yes” to something, you are also mak-ing the choice not to do something else.We all have to take responsibility forthat, understand what drives us andmake choices we can explain to our-selves—not to others. I often have to re-

Dr. ShaniBechhoferAS TOLD TO TOVA ROSS

SHANI BECHHOFER, who has a PhD ineducation from Northwestern Univer-sity, has been involved in Jewish educa-tion for over two decades as a teacher,general studies director, school princi-pal and professor. While serving as prin-cipal at Hanna Sacks Bais Yaakov High School in Chicago, she was profiled in US

News & World Report and described as “a strong principal” with “vision, driveand savvy.” After ten years in New York as a researcher at JESNA, a consultantfor PEJE and an assistant professor at Yeshiva University’s Azrieli School of Jew-ish Education and Administration, Dr. Bechhofer is currently a full-time inde-pendent consultant and researcher. She lives in Monsey, New York, with herhusband, Rabbi Yosef Gavriel Bechhofer, a rav, rebbe and maggid shiur at severalyeshivot and an editor at ArtScroll/Mesorah Publications. Together they havesix children ranging from thirteen to twenty-five and one grandchild.

Tova Ross is a communications specialist forYeshiva University and a freelance writer. Shelives in New Jersey with her family.

I



mind myself that the reason I am not inone place is because I have chosen tobe in another place at that moment. Inour minds we have to be where we are,not where we aren’t.

If you’re going to contribute to theworld and society through a job, thattakes time, and that time needs to bededucted from other things you wouldlike to do, like be a class mother. I’mproud that I was able to support myhusband while he was learning seven-teen years in kollel. It was a lot of work,but it was extremely important to meand, of course, to him.

Sure, it’s harder for observantwomen in some ways. We tend to wantto have larger families, so when youtalk about the “Mommy track,” you’renot simply talking about taking off acouple of years for one child, maybetwo. You are talking about benefitingfrom flexibility at work for years.Those child crises, doctors’ appoint-ments, calls from school . . . there arejust more of them. Also, Shabbos andyom tov are wonderful berachos—whenelse would we disconnect if not forShabbos and yom tov?—but they takean enormous amount of time to pre-pare, shop for, cook and clean up . . . es-pecially if you want to have guests inyour home, which I do. Mishloachmanos, making simchahs, there’s a lotthat we observant women do.

Food and vacations are what peoplesupposedly recall most about theirchildhoods. Cooking and baking cer-tain yom tov foods means a lot to mychildren, so I prioritize that. But Idon’t feel bad about buying potatokugel for Shabbos, and I don’t bakechallah every week.

I’m one of those people who needsolitude at times, some “alone” time tojust think, whether it’s about my pro-fessional responsibilities, my family ormy spiritual development. I actuallydon’t mind commuting to work be-cause I use that time to ponder all thethings I need to think about.

Yes, there are things that, over thecourse of my career, I could not do pro-fessionally, or rather, chose not to do,because of my familial obligations. Forinstance, when I was a school princi-pal, I wasn’t able to greet the studentsat the door at 8:00 in the morning like

the male principals often do after min-yan; I was busy getting my own kidsready for school. There were deadlinesI missed over the years, conferences Ididn’t attend, offers I declined andcalls that took longer to return becausea child was in crisis or illness struck.

My work in chinuch is tremen-dously important to me. I give it my alland I care deeply about the quality ofwhat I do. But bringing children intothe world is the biggest commitmentyou can possibly make. Both work and

home life are unpredictable; and as aJew and a mother, there is no questionthat family takes priority. Usually I donot find them in conflict. I work veryhard and I’m becoming better over theyears about being realistic and commu-nicating boundaries. I believe thatwhat I bring to the table professionallyoutweighs any limitations due to myfamily commitments—at least I hopeso. And being a parent, spouse and reb-betzin does bring wisdom and perspec-tive over time—wisdom that onlyenhances the work I do.

Part of me wishes we weren’t stillhaving these same conversations aboutwomen balancing work and home, as ifit is our problem and it comes down towomen’s choices. This is about fami-lies. Dual income is not always op-tional. And we know that childrenneed their fathers as well as theirmothers, and men need balance intheir lives too.

It’s pretty shocking that in a com-munity that is so family-oriented, ourcommunal organizations are certainlynot ahead, and perhaps are even be-hind, when it comes to accommodat-ing working mothers. The rest of theworld is recognizing the economic ad-vantage of keeping their best employ-ees—parents or not. We also have acommunal stake in the well-being ofour families. True, our organizations

are often operating on shoestringbudgets. But not every accommoda-tion costs money. We need to lead inthis area, not lag behind.

Maternity leave is not the onlyissue; let’s remember that being amother does not end when a child isno longer an infant. And what aboutgiving fathers some time off to helpout with new babies? Making adjust-ments for a new baby when there aretwo working parents takes longer thansix weeks.

Even though they may not be as vis-ible as pregnancy, there are all kinds offamily obligations and priorities. Thereare many ways workplaces can becomemore family-friendly, such as offeringflextime and the ability to work fromhome and promotions based on per-formance rather than face time at theoffice. These are not charitable conces-sions. We need to remember the costsof frequent turnover and the inabilityto attract and retain the most compe-tent professionals—some of whom aredefinitely mothers.

Here’s another idea to consider:when does the workday end? We needto be firmer about saying that we areunavailable to answer e-mails or takephone calls between say, 5:00 PM and8:00 PM. Establishing such boundariesshouldn’t be seen as a sign of weakness,but as a sign of having clear prioritiesand setting aside enough time to beable to focus on our families. In ourJewish organizations, this should bethe norm if we want to do somethinggood for the next generation.

There isn’t really one right orwrong way to do things, or one particu-lar formula that’s helpful for everyone.We are all works in progress, trying toserve Hashem in the best way possible.My advice is to make sure you’re at-tuned to your own self, know your lim-its and cut yourself some slack.

Maternity leave is not the only issue; let’sremember that being a mother does notend when a child is no longer an infant.


have a problem with the ideathat a woman must give up anintellectually stimulating ca-reer just because she’s become

a mother. With all of the electronictools we have available to us today,there is plenty of flexibility in work sit-uations. So why would any womanneed to turn off her ambition? I am, bynature, a curious person, and am al-ways learning. Hashem gave me un-usual interests and, baruch Hashem,provided me with a spouse who has

done nothing but encourage me to ex-plore my potential. He is a superdadand superhusband.

I knew from a young age that Iwanted a career in science, even as atraditional frum girl who attended BJJ[Beth Jacob Jerusalem] Seminary. Iwas different from many of my friendswho came home from seminary eagerto marry kollel boys, though I ended upmarrying one.

Daniel Aaron wanted to learn inkollel for several years and I thought,this is not what I wanted. In a maturemoment I realized, I’m crazy about himand I’m not marrying the career; I’mmarrying the person. We moved toRochester where I completed my bach-

elor’s in biochemistry while my hus-band learned. I had our first child inmy junior year, our second right beforegraduation and our third when I begangraduate school at University ofRochester’s School of Medicine andDentistry. Our fourth and fifth arrivedwhile I completed graduate school. Iultimately earned my PhD in biochem-istry and biophysics, with a specialty inmolecular oncology (cancer research).

My husband learned in kollel fornine years and received semichah fromRabbi Moshe Heinemann in Baltimore.He began teaching in the local girls’school while completing his graduatedegree. At the time, I was completingmy graduate research. The blessings ofRochester were manifold, includingproximity to the university and a won-derful nanny who arrived promptly at7:30 every morning and stayed withour children until 3:30. Because of ournanny who worked for us for five years,I knew that our children were wellcared for when I wasn’t there.

In 2000, we moved to Baltimorewith five children under the age of ten,the youngest only a baby. We choseBaltimore because my husband was fa-miliar with the area and it seemed to bea perfect “cradle-to-grave” community.Moving with children is emotionallyand physically exhausting, and we did-n’t want to ever have to move again.Daniel Aaron began a career in trainingand development and I worked in a de-manding fellowship at Johns Hopkins.In a fellowship, you spend long hoursin the lab in a “publish or perish” envi-ronment, and you are also expected totrain other students, present cutting-edge data and network with profes-sionals all over the world.

Even though the fellowship wasvery demanding with a sixty-hour-a-week commitment, it gave me the inde-pendence I needed to balance workdemands with family. I was given thefreedom to get the job done—however Icould—and that sometimes took cre-ativity. I did not have a great childcaresituation when we first moved to Balti-more. We hired babysitters, and I had a

EttiAS TOLD TO AZRIELA JAFFE

FORTY-THREE-YEAR-OLD ETTI, ascientist originally from Toronto,lives in Baltimore with her husbandof twenty-four years and their fivechildren, ranging in age from thir-teen to twenty-one.

IAzriela Jaffe is the author of twenty-sixbooks, a Holocaust memoir writer, and aregular feature writer for Mishpachamagazine.



good nanny helping me for some of thetime, but it wasn’t like it was inRochester. I needed to be home for theolder children when they came homefrom school, so I had to plan my labtime and experiments very carefully. Ioften worked from the wee hours ofthe morning, leaving for the lab aftermiddle-of-the night baby feedings.

If I had a twelve-hour experiment Ihad to do on a Friday, I’d start work at3 AM so I could finish in time for Shab-bos. During the week I was a full-timemom to my kids in the late afternoonand evening. Sometimes I would returnto the lab late at night; sometimes Iwould bring my kids with me to thelab. They grew up viewing mixing DNAand proteins in the lab as straightfor-wardly as they viewed baking a cake inthe kitchen.

In 2004, I left Johns Hopkins tohelp run a software company workingon translational medicine, a job that re-quired extensive travel. I had to coordi-nate carefully with my husband, who atthe time often worked from home.

My workdays are often long anddemanding, but the beauty of my pro-fession is that I’m not locked into a setschedule. When my husband needs totravel, I make sure I’m home, andwhen I need to travel, I depend on himto be home.

Maybe I’ve missed a PTA meeting,but I could always talk to the teacher

on the phone if I needed to. I’ve alwaysmade sure to never miss anything im-portant in our children’s lives, be it aschool play or a birthday party.

Now that our children have out-grown the need for babysitting, we are

in a different phase of our family’s life.My husband and I really enjoy theadults our children are becoming.

I currently work from home in anexecutive advisory capacity, and collab-orate with physicians and surgeons todevelop and commercialize new thera-pies and diagnostic tools and medicaldevices. I help to create and run clini-cal trials and I enjoy contributing myknowledge as a medical scientist notonly to the cancer field, but to a widearray of other diseases as well. A home-based office gives me an even greaterdegree of flexibility than I had before.

On Shabbos, guests at our tablewould never know how many hoursI’ve devoted to work all week long.Our chicken is baked on Friday after-noon, our kishke made fresh and wehave homemade chicken soup.

But I’m not the kind of woman whofreaks out if the kugel is under-baked.I’m a perfectionist by nature, but myhusband and I would rather have ahappy and relaxed family than onethat fusses over every detail.

I’m not going to say that therehaven’t been trade-offs. For example,in graduate school I rarely attendedthe professional networking meetingsmy colleagues had at 5 PM, and I didnot present at scientific conferencesuntil my last child was born. My timeis precious, so I must use it wisely. Myto-do list is pages long, and it mighttake me a while to cross items off thatlist. But the bottom line is that Iwouldn’t make any other decision. Ilove my work, and feel that my life isfull and everyone in our family hasbenefitted from my commitment to myprofession. I don’t even try to convincemy daughters that a field in science isalso open to them—they are naturallydrawn to it like their mother.

In a fellowship, you spend long hours in the lab in a “publishor perish” environment . . . and you are expected to presentdata and network with professionals all over the world.


ver since I was a younggirl, I wanted to de-liver babies, or at leastdo something related

to pregnancy and childbirth. Maybeit’s because my mother always spokeabout how giving birth is the mostwonderful experience.

I grew up in a very traditional homewith a stay-at-home mom. In fact, mymother made it very clear that she dis-approves of women who work—she be-lieves many women work to avoidstaying home with their kids. When Iwent into medicine, she was initiallyquite disapproving. Now she’s comearound—but ironically, it was she whoinspired me to pursue this field in thefirst place!

I didn’t have any role models forbeing a professional woman; I had toblaze my own path. As a mother, I hadmodels: my own mother, and espe-cially my grandmother, who was themost tender, loving and giving person.She lived very simply, but if she knew Iwas coming she would run to preparea steak or a pot of chicken soup. Herexample instilled in me the drive to al-ways be there for my kids and the will-ingness to go the extra mile for them.

I have a twin brother, who wasbeing groomed to be a doctor. As I haddone very well in school, I thought,Hey, I could do this too! It wasn’t anidea born out of rebellion or competi-tion; it was a means to realize mychildhood dream of bringing babiesinto the world.

I finished NYU School of Medicinein 1983, and took a residency at NorthShore Hospital in Long Island. Afterthat I began working in a private prac-tice which accommodated my need tobe off on Shabbos and yom tov; all ofmy seven children were born duringthose years. When the practice couldno longer accommodate my Shabbosneeds, I opened my own practice.

Currently, I have a very large andbusy solo practice; I deliver around

600 babies a year! We live in GreatNeck, and the hospital is only aboutthree miles from the house, allowingme to constantly shuttle backand forth.

Obstetrics today is so awful—thereare so many C-sections because doc-tors are afraid of getting sued, and be-cause they’re no longer making thekind of money that would motivatethem to go the extra mile for patients.But I say, “Forget the lawyers; just dowhat’s right for the patient!” This pro-fession is a calling, and you have to doyour best by your patients.

I find my work extraordinarily grat-

ifying and feel a tremendous responsi-bility to my patients. I’m on call all thetime—day and night. My son got mar-ried a few weeks ago, and I workedevery night right up until the wedding,and then came back to Great Neckfrom Baltimore that same night be-cause I had patients who needed me.

Babies tend to come at night, sowhen my kids were younger theydidn’t notice my absences so much. Icould deliver a baby and still be homein the morning to get them out toschool. Fortunately, getting by on nosleep is a skill I developed in medicalschool (I also drink lots of coffee).


E

JessicaJacobAS TOLD TO BARBARA BENSOUSSAN

AT FIFTY-THREE, JESSICA JACOBshows no signs of slowing down. In hersolo practice as an obstetrician, shedelivers a whopping 600 babies ayear—while serving as a mother to herseven children and a hands-on grandmother to her grandchildren. Wereached her right before Sukkot. As usual, she was on the run,but managed to squeeze in a conversation anyway.

Barbara Bensoussan has worked as a uni-versity instructor and a social worker, andcurrently writes for Jewish newspapersand magazines. Her most recent novel is ANew Song (Southfield, Michigan, 2007).



Most mornings I’m up by 4:45 to workout on the StairMaster. Do I like exer-cise? No, I hate it! But it gives me en-ergy, and I read medical journals orlisten to shiurim on my iPod whileI exercise.

My kids loved having a mommywho delivered babies—they would baskin the attention they would receivefrom teachers and mothers whose chil-dren had been delivered by me. Whenthey were little, I had full-time babysit-ting and household help. I was willingto pay more than the going rate to en-sure a stable environment for my chil-dren. Of course when my kids wereyoung, there were some crazy mo-ments. I remember June being an es-pecially overwhelming month betweenthe graduations and camp physicalsand packing kids for camp.

I used to take care of clothing shop-ping by doing a few big trips a year, inwhich we would buy everything. Inever allowed shopping to becomerecreational, an activity. Shopping caneat up incredible amounts of time andenergy—personally, I can think of somany other ways I prefer to allocatemy energies.

I remember that teachers wouldgive tons of homework and projectsthat needed a parent’s participation,and it was very difficult for me to dealwith all the dioramas and projects. Iwould think, Don’t the teachers under-stand that a mother can’t spend hoursworking with each child? I somehowmuddled through, but I wished teach-ers could be more understanding ofworking mothers. I often did home-work over the phone with my kidsfrom the doctors’ lounge.

We still have two kids at home, aseventeen-year-old who recently left tolearn in Eretz Yisrael and a twenty-five-year-old daughter who needs tolive at home due to medical issues. Andnow we are actually back to raising lit-tle kids again since one of our daugh-ters divorced and moved back in withus with her three little boys, aged six,five and two, while she finishes her res-idency in maxillofacial surgery. She’sso busy that my husband and I see thekids more than she does.

I’ve always carefully guarded myquality moments with my children.

Last year, when I knew my son wouldbe leaving in the fall for Israel, we usedto have dinner together every night.My married daughter who lives inWashington Heights will often comeover and we’ll have coffee together. Ifind that even grown children still needus so much.

For most of our married life, myhusband had a very high-pressure WallStreet career. But he recently retiredand is now able to lead the life he al-ways wanted, attending every minyanand learning much of the time. He’s

also more available to help with thegrandchildren, and that’s a huge helpwhen one of them needs to be pickedup from school or has an emergency.

Making time for my husband is themost challenging part of the equation.It is a complicated dance, trying to bemindful of my husband. Now that hehas more free time, it’s a challenge tomake sure I have time for him too,and that he doesn’t feel secondaryor peripheral.

This past Rosh Hashanah, rightafter our son’s wedding, we didn’t in-vite any guests for yom tov; it was justmy husband, me and our daughters andgrandsons. I was able to make my hus-band the center of my attention andjust enjoy being together. In fact, in re-cent years we’ve invited very few Shab-bos and yom tov guests; our family timetogether is too precious.

It’s not possible to be in threeplaces at one time. If I want to be therefully for my husband, my family andmy patients, then I have to let go of cer-tain things. That’s a dirty little secretthat a lot of young women today don’twant to hear—that you can’t have it all.If you want a high-powered career,you’re going to have to accept limita-tions. You can’t be the most dedicatedprofessional and also go to every sim-chah, take nice vacations and go out

with friends. It used to be extremelyfrustrating for me when there wassome school event that may have beenimportant to my kids but wasn’t impor-tant enough that I could arrange forcoverage at work. I would feel terriblemissing it, but I knew if I started takingoff for the little things, it would allcome apart. Did I want to go help mydaughter pick out her wedding dresswhen she was a kallah? Of course I did!But she managed on her own, and sentpictures to my phone as she shopped.

I don’t have time for hobbies, ex-cept a little gardening. We don’t takevacations, because I can’t leave my pa-tients for very long. I do a lot of chesedin my line of work, but I don’t haveany time to pack boxes for TomcheiShabbos or attend dinners for yeshivosor tzedakahs.

I do love going to shul on Shabbos.Shul is really my only social outletoutside of work and family, and it’s my

spiritual outlet also.My married kids come to us often

for Shabbosim, but I don’t ask them forhelp. I like having control of my ownkitchen, and I don’t want to burden mychildren with anything. I don’t wantmy kids to ever feel they are deprivedbecause they have a mother whoworks. At his sheva berachos, my songave a speech where he said he neverfelt that his mother worked because Imanaged to always be there for him.That’s exactly what I’ve tried toachieve.

The real trick to juggling every-thing is to be able to multitask. Youhave to be able to weave the differentparts of your life together, move fromone space to the other, without makinga big partition between them. I’ve goneon rounds with my children and grand-children in tow; I’ve given advice to mynewlywed son about which restaurantto go to with his wife while pressing ona woman’s stomach. You have to bepassionate about what you do, and bewilling to sacrifice for it; many peopleare too caught up in wanting their“me” time.

Despite all the things I give up inmy life, I feel extremely fulfilled. I lovewhat I do and love being with my fam-ily so much that I don’t feel I’m missingout on much else.

I don’t want my kids toever feel they are deprivedbecause they have amother who works.

was working full-time beforeI took time off to have myfirst child. I had just earnedmy master’s degree and wasbuilding up my career and re-

sume. Suddenly, I had to put thebrakes on my career. I did not expectto have to do that. Going from profes-

sional woman to professional momwas an adjustment.

There is this expectation thatwomen can have it all—but that’s amyth. When you’re raised to believethat you can have it all though, it’s veryshocking when you realize that youcan’t. I started working during the“second stage” of the Women’s Move-ment, when Betty Friedan put forththe idea that women cannot have it all,not without certain changes taking

place. But many women of my genera-tion had already been ingrained withthe idea that working and raising afamily at the same time was both pos-sible and desirable.

No woman, and for that matter, noman, can have it all. We live in a worldwith a lot of opportunities, but we haveto make certain sacrifices.

When I was younger, most of myfriends didn’t need to work. Today,most young women work either be-cause of economic reasons or becausethey are pursuing careers—some veryhigh-powered, time-consuming ca-reers and others less demanding ones.We live in a world that is very focusedon professional success and achieve-ment. It’s hard not to get caught up inthat. Orthodox women are expectedto do everything and the pressureis intense.

Early in my career, I worked at aJewish community center overseeingchildren’s programs. An older womanonce applied for a position, but she hadnot worked since college. I simplycouldn’t hire her without any experi-ence. I went home thinking, Oh mygoodness—that could be me. No one willhire me in fifteen years! However, thereare ways to build your professionalprofile even if you decide to take timeoff to raise your children. Maintainsome level of professional involvement,whether it’s part-time, freelance or vol-unteer work. Stay involved and do notexpect the company to be there waitingfor you.

I have been very lucky, profession-ally speaking. I was able to grow my ca-reer over the last thirty-three yearsdespite taking significant time offwhen I had each of my children andworking part-time when my childrenwere young.

At one point I worked at CombinedJewish Philanthropies, Boston’s Jew-ish federation, and took a year offwhen my fifth child was born. When Iwent back to full-time work, my oldestwas thirteen. My husband traveled alot for work, and even with full-timehelp, I felt as if I was being strangled. I


Amy KatzAS TOLD TO TOVA ROSS

AMY KATZ OF BROOKLINE, Massa-chusetts, is the executive director ofthe Partnership for Excellence in JewishEducation, a Boston-based nonprofitorganization dedicated to helping Jew-ish day schools across North Americaachieve financial sustainability. A grad-uate of Stern College for Women andthe Wurzweiler School of Social Workof Yeshiva University, Amy has servedthe Jewish community for more thanthree decades as a strategic planner, program developer, nonprofit operationsmanager, staff supervisor and fundraising professional. She and her husband,

Nathan, have five children and three grandchildren.

ITova Ross is a communications specialist forYeshiva University and a freelance writer.She lives in New Jersey with her family.


would get into my car to drive to workand scream because the pressure wasenormous. It was hard for me to admitthat I needed to switch to part-time. Ibegan working three days a week forthe next few years until my childrenwere a little older. I did not work onFridays—from Thursday night to Mon-day morning, I didn’t have to thinkabout work. Of course that’s changedthese days with e-mail and the expec-tation that one must be availablearound the clock.

Balancing work and motherhood isnot only an issue when your childrenare younger. When children are older,it’s more challenging because there ismuch more at stake; the decisions andissues are potentially life altering. Ifyou are not there when your teenagersneed you, they will look for guidanceelsewhere—perhaps not always in themost constructive places. When I be-came associate director at PEJE tenyears ago, my children were teenagers.I used flextime and came into work lateone day a week. At home, we always re-gard dinner hour as sacred and I usethat time as an opportunity to connectwith my kids and husband. Similarly,we view Shabbos and Sunday as familytime. On Shabbos, we reserve one mealjust for family. The other meal wemight have guests, but one mealis just for us.

Currently, as executive director ofPEJE, I travel a lot. From Pesach toShavuos this past year, I was probablytraveling for two or three days out ofevery week.

I have many women on my staffand I try to extend the same flexibilityI was given to them. If one of theirchildren is sick, or has a school play,

the mother has the option of workingfrom home. I know firsthand how ab-solutely necessary flexibility is to aworking mom.

My jobs in Jewish communal or-ganizations have always been yotzeimin haklal (very muchthe exception)

in being accommodating to a workingmom. How can you talk about Jewishvalues and not adjust your organiza-tions and institutions to reflect thosevalues? That’s puzzling to me. TheJewish world needs to respect the factthat women have a lot to offer; theirjobs need to be managed differentlyand accommodations need to be made.The fact that there are not more Or-thodox women in leadership positionsin Jewish organizations is one of theresults of organizations not support-ing younger women who are trying tobalance their personal and profes-sional lives. A staff member at the AviChai Foundation recently bloggedabout how the Foundation made ac-commodations for a number of youngwomen who asked for their workschedules to be adapted to better fitthe lives of working mothers. Withkudos to Avi Chai, that’s unfortunately

an unusual occurrence. More Jew-ish organizations, especially Or-

thodox ones, need to value theskills and assets that women

bring and consider how tomake the workplace andthe work environmentmore flexible, invitingand accommodating toworking mothers.

There is this expectationthat women can have itall—but that’s a myth.

was born in Greenpoint,Brooklyn, in 1935 duringthe Depression. At thetime, my mother was on awaiting list to become a

public school teacher (she couldn’twork because she was expecting—inthose days, you couldn’t get a job if youwere pregnant).

Back then, students were allowed toskip grades, so I started high school byage eleven and college by age fifteen. Ichose to major in accounting. I didn’tparticularly enjoy it, but I did what wasdeemed necessary.

It was difficult for women in thejob market during that time. Long afterthe male seniors who were C studentshad found jobs, I was still looking. Iwas finally hired as a junior accountantat PricewaterhouseCoopers LLC.Women were not welcome, and I wasplaced in the small business depart-ment. The first day I walked into theoffice, a colleague said to me, “Wesaved all the lousy jobs for you!” Hewas right—they had.

At the time, well-recognizedschools such as New York Universitydid not offer scholarships to women.But in 1956 I was awarded a full schol-arship to Brooklyn Law School. Aftermy first year of law school, I married anaccountant, proceeded to have threegirls in a three-year period and contin-ued in the evening division while beinga stay-at-home mom during the day. (Ifyou didn’t finish law school in six years,you would be required to start all overagain, so I made sure to finish withinthat time.)

I loved law school; it was excitingand interesting. I graduated at the topof my class, but the school had noplacement office at the time. Since themajor law firms were located on WallStreet during the 1960s, I rode up anddown the elevators in Manhattan forsix months looking for work. Hashemperformed a miracle and Davis Polkhired me, despite the fact that Iseemed like an oddball: I was born and

lived in Brooklyn, I was a woman and Ihad three kids. In spite of its reputa-tion as a white-shoe firm, Davis Polkwas meritocracy-based, and many peo-ple whose ancestors didn’t come overon the Mayflower have risen throughthe ranks.

After a few years at Davis Polk, I be-came pregnant with my son. In thosedays, the firm did not offer maternityleave and I was afraid to say anything. Iknew that secretaries who becamepregnant were dismissed, but I was thefirst woman attorney at the firm to havea baby. I wore black and navy suits, inlarger and larger sizes, trying to hide[the pregnancy]. Then one day I fainted

in the elevator. I woke up in the com-pany’s infirmary to find the partnersstanding over me looking deeply con-cerned. I had to confess, “I’m not sick;I’m just pregnant!”

A few years earlier, a male colleaguehad taken a sick leave. So I mustered upmy courage, went to my supervisorsand told them it would only be fair tocompensate me during my leave. Fortu-nately, they agreed.

After I started at Davis Polk, I hiredan Irish nanny with a charming brogueto run the household and care for thechildren when they came home fromschool. She was on duty from 8:00 AM

to 5:00 PM, with overtime when it was


Lydia E. KessAS TOLD TO BARBARA BENSOUSSAN

NOW IN HER SEVENTIES, LYDIA KESShas a warm and wise presence andclarity of expression that flows natu-rally after thirty-nine years as a taxlawyer for the prestigious law firmDavis Polk & Wardwell. Coming of ageat a time when few women were al-lowed entry into high-level professions, Lydia became Davis Polk’s first fe-male partner in 1971. Throughout her extraordinary career, she relied uponher intelligence and ambition to succeed despite the hurdles she faced.

I

Barbara Bensoussan has worked as a univer-sity instructor and a social worker, and cur-rently writes for Jewish newspapers andmagazines. Her most recent novel is A NewSong (Southfield, Michigan, 2007).


necessary for me to stay late at the office. After my sonwas born, caring for him was added to her full-time re-sponsibilities. A year later, a dear friend who had a largefamily stepped into the picture. She appreciated theextra income, so I brought my son to her home and shelooked after him; my girls went to her house after school.This arrangement continued until my children reachedtheir teens. Her apartment was a home away from homefor them. The love, ehrlichkeit and Yiddishkeit in herhome were treasures and blessings for them and me. Ourfamilies are extremely close to this day.

My colleagues were ethical, brilliant, helpful people.They would cover for me on Shabbos and yom tov with-out complaining. One summer, my colleagues and I wereinvolved in a merger involving two companies with anaggregate value of several billion dollars. We had to de-

termine if the transaction would be tax free, and weneeded to make a decision before the opening of theLondon Stock Exchange on Monday morning. Becauseof the late Shabbos, my colleagues made the meetingMotzaei Shabbos at 11:00 PM just to accommodate me.Many of my colleagues came in from Westchester, Con-necticut and New Jersey, and we met from 11:00 PM until4:00 AM.

It was an enormous plus that I found my work so fas-cinating. I loved looking at a situation and trying to ac-complish what the business needed and what thecorporate lawyers required. It was like a chess game,where you have to know the rules and the dynamics. Itwas a challenge, but it was so satisfying that it never feltlike a burden.

In 1983, I married my second husband, Shalom, awidower with three children who had survived the waras a boy. Shalom’s beautiful middos enchanted every-one he came into contact with, including me. He hadfirst been in the needle trade when he came to Amer-ica, then manufacturing, but after our marriage hestarted learning full-time. Together we created a beau-tiful combined family.

Making sure all my responsibilities were taken careof was a constant challenge. I wrote lists and lists! I de-veloped a few techniques to save myself mental andemotional energy. I created standardized menus so Iknew what I was serving each day of the week. I evenhad an outfit for each day of the week, plus a few spares,to minimize time and effort in the morning. On Thurs-day nights I got very little sleep and would cook andclean, because everything had to be ready for Shabbosbefore I left for work in the morning. I felt so uncomfort-

I would sometimes come homefrom work at 5:00 pm, put the kidsto bed, then go back to work untilfive in the morning.

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able leaving colleagues in the middle ofthings on Friday—the best part of re-tirement is not having those Fridayconflicts anymore!

Hashem blessed me with deepreservoirs of energy. In my day, therewas no such thing as telecommuting,so I would sometimes come home fromwork at 5:00 PM, put the kids to bed,then go back to work until five in themorning. Then I would come home,get the kids off to school and go back towork. But not everybody can handlesuch a physically taxing schedule. Youshouldn’t feel guilty or like a failure ifyou’re not able to function at full ca-pacity on almost zero sleep.

I did certain things to stay close tomy kids. When they were little, Iwould record stories for them to listento. When they went to sleep-awaycamp, pre-cell phone days, I wouldbuy stacks of post cards and send themone every day.

My time with my husband is alwaysquality time. He’s so easy to bond withand always ready to offer something in-spiring he discovered in his learning.His conversation is never trivial—it ex-pands my horizons far beyond how todo a merger. He manages to make me

feel cared for, that I am treasured. Today my husband and I are

retired. We live in Eretz Yisrael,but we travel frequently to the US tosee family.

If there’s a message I want to leavefor today’s young women, it’s this:you’re out in the workplace, you wantto use your talents, you want recogni-tion. But know that your real raisond’etre is to be a kiddush Hashem, to useyour job as an opportunity to show oth-ers what it means to be an OrthodoxJew. It’s especially important for Or-thodox women, since the world is con-vinced that we’re oppressed.

My husband always emphasizesthat everyone in the workplace shouldbe careful not to be a “Friday afternoonJew.” In other words, your behaviorthroughout the week should be whatmarks you as a Jew, not the fact thatyou leave early on Friday afternoon.

And while a job has to give “reason-able accommodation” to your religiousbeliefs, be aware that many of the col-leagues who are working those hoursyou’re off on Shabbos and yom tov haveno idea what your norms are—for allthey know, you’re at the beach or shop-ping. I’m talking about decent, well-

meaning, Ivy League-educated people. Don’t avoid the company cafeteria

because it’s not kosher; they’ll thinkyou’re snobbish. Go have a Coke or eata banana, but be with them. Listen tothem even if they’re talking about foot-ball. Show that you care about them aspeople; ask about their kids. You mightnot change an anti-Semite, but at leastyou won’t add fuel to his fire. Mostlyyou’ll benefit the klal, and make yourown life more pleasant as well.

I would also like to see young frummen advance their secular education,preferably before marriage. Many aregrowing up in a kind of bubble in theiryeshivos, with no appreciation of therealities of life.

I once heard Rabbi Moshe AharonStern, zt”l, the mashgiach of theKaminetz Yeshiva in Jerusalem, sayduring a shiur that a husband needs todevelop the three A’s—appreciation,admiration and attention—for a mar-riage to work and be joyous. A man hasto recognize the significance of hiswife. He has to realize that cleanclothes and well-raised children aren’this due; they don’t happen by magic. Awoman can be happy scrubbing pots, aslong as she feels valued.

EstherLejbovitzAS TOLD TO TOVA ROSS

THIRTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD ESTHERLEJBOVITZ, who is expecting her thirdchild, has a master’s degree in specialeducation. Working as a teacher in aspecial education preschool in Far Rock-away, New York, while raising her twolively children, Esther insists that “jug-gling career and family is doable . . . butchildren have to be a priority.”


chose to enter the field of special education eventhough I majored in computer science as an un-dergraduate. I couldn’t really see myself workingin an office and knew I enjoyed working with

kids, so I decided to pursue a graduate degree that wouldenable me to work with children.

I have to be at work at 8:20 A.M. so my husband, whois self-employed as a computer technician and worksfrom home, gets our four-year-old daughter and three-year-old son off to school in the morning. I’m very luckythat he is able to do this; it’s very challenging for familieswhen both parents work full-time outside of the home—Idon’t know how they manage.

I work until 3:00 P.M., so I’m able to pick up my kidsfrom preschool. I opt out of carpool since I want tospend some alone time with my children in the car. Myhusband usually works on Sundays so I try to plan funactivities to do with the kids. Bedtime is another oppor-tunity for me to bond with them. My daughter is matureenough to really talk to me before bedtime and tell meabout her day and about things that may be botheringher; I cherish this time we have together.

When it comes to Shabbos preparation, my husbandis a big help. He takes over a lot of the shopping and mostof the cleaning and cooking. We decide our Shabbos andyom tov menus in advance. We have sleepover guests forShabbos about once a month, and we often invite neigh-borhood friends for Shabbos meals.

I don’t go out at night often. Much of my social lifetakes place online—e-mail and Facebook, et cetera. I’mfortunate that I have made friends at my workplace too,where there are a lot of young, similarly-minded people.

Since my husband is self-employed and can make hisown schedule, we have a real advantage over other work-ing couples. We get to see each other at random pointsthroughout the day and early evening. The downside isthat he’s also “on call” at all hours. We don’t have an offi-cial date night, but we will often plan a lunch date duringa legal holiday when both he and I are off and the kidshave school.

I would love to see a Jewish daycare that accommo-dates working parents—open from seven in the morninguntil six or seven in the evening. The daycare shouldcater to elementary-age children so that if there is a dayoff or school ends early, daycare is an option. Maybe thelocal schools could provide such a service—have a fewteachers come early or stay late for after-school care.Right now, the schools seem to work around the sched-ules of women who work locally or part-time or don’twork at all. The school schedule is impossibly challeng-ing for full-time working parents. I think there’s enoughof a need that such a venture could be really successful.

Tova Ross is a communications specialist for Yeshiva Universityand a freelance writer. She lives in New Jersey with her family.

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I’m due to have a baby soon, imyirtzeh Hashem, and will have to goback to work after a six-week mater-nity leave. Even though my husband isa very hands-on father, I know it’sgoing to be very hard for me to manage.

I believe that juggling career andfamily is doable, but children have tobe a priority. Workplaces also have torealize that ensuring that mothers have

flexibility is to everyone’s benefit. Theschool I work at is very accommodat-ing. My boss understands that if mychild has a Chumash play or it’s thefirst day of school, I’m going to come inlate or rearrange my break to accom-modate my child.

My advice to young moms who arejust starting out: it’s important to real-ize that it may pay to earn a little lessand work closer to home rather than

schlep to a workplace in the city andput your energies into building an im-pressive career. This is especially truewhen one’s children are young and re-ally need a hands-on parent when theyare home. At this point in my life,building an outstanding resume is notas important to me as working for anunderstanding boss who accommo-dates working parents. The trade-off isabsolutely worth it.

Anne NeubergerAS TOLD TO BARBARA BENSOUSAN

ANNE NEUBERGER has a sweetvoice and slender frame that caneasily mislead one into thinking sheis younger than her thirty-six years.But there’s nothing lightweightabout Anne or the job she does forthe Department of Defense.


grew up in Boro Park and attendedBais Yaakov of Boro Park and thenTouro College, where I studied fi-

nance and computer science. After that, Iworked in my family’s business, a financialservices company. When I was already mar-ried with one child and expecting my sec-ond, I enrolled in an MBA program atColumbia University. There was an optionto do a third year to earn a second master’sdegree. Since the core courses were thesame in both programs, my husband urgedme to “treat myself” to the third year. HenceI earned a second master’s in internationalrelations, with a concentration in the Per-sian Gulf.

Toward the end of the program, one ofmy professors suggested that I apply to theWhite House Fellows program, which se-lects individuals between the ages of thirtyand forty (I was thirty-one at the time) tospend a year working for senior WhiteHouse staff members, cabinet secretariesand other top-ranking government officials.[It is one of the country’s most prestigiousprograms for leadership and public service.White House Fellowships offer exceptionalyoung men and women first-hand experi-ence working at the highest levels of thefederal government.]

I

Barbara Bensoussan has worked as a universityinstructor and a social worker, and currentlywrites for Jewish newspapers and magazines.Her most recent novel is A New Song (Southfield,Michigan, 2007).


At the time, I had a two-year-old and a one-year-old,and I didn’t think it would be appropriate for me. Twoyears later, however, I decided to apply for the program.Since I had a business degree and business experience, Ithought that if I were accepted, I would be assigned to theTreasury Department. To my surprise, I was assigned tothe Department of Defense in the Pentagon. They hadnever selected a woman before, and I was told that I waschosen because I had “operational experience,” that is, Ihad run my family’s business. I put in a year, and it waswonderful. After that, I was appointed special assistant tothe secretary of the Navy, working on “troubled pro-grams”—programs that were running over budget or notfunctioning well.

Shortly afterward, a new military command was estab-lished—Cyber Command—consisting of a team recruitedto work on protecting military networks. I became part ofthat team, and it evolved into my current position as spe-cial assistant to the director of the National SecurityAgency, which is one of the largest intelligence agencies ofthe Department of Defense. I’m part of a group that is re-sponsible for raising the security of critical private sectorcyber-infrastructure.

Because I get so much sipuk (satisfaction) from my job,I never feel that it depletes me, although obviously thereare times when I am tired. My children are eleven and tennow, so they’re more independent. I need to arrive at mydesk early in the morning, so my husband gets the kids outto school before leaving for his job (he’s a lawyer). Ourkids are pretty organized and generally get themselvesready in half an hour. They’ve never known anything otherthan having a working mother.

I work long hours, and therefore have to make deci-sions about how to best allocate my time. I used to stressout about neatness, but I don’t anymore, and I pay for help.I don’t shop much—I’ve cut out going to malls; I order on-line instead. I have a babysitter for the kids after school,and she also helps with food preparation.

I shop for Shabbos on Wednesday and split the cookingwith my husband. After fourteen years of marriage, we’veestablished a rhythm. I don’t bake challah or cake, becauseit’s just not that important to me. I’ve learned to decide formyself what’s right for me and my family instead of listen-ing to what other people think I should do. For me, ahappy family is the most important thing.

I tend to invite more guests for yamim tovim than forShabbos. In fact, we never have guests on Friday night;that’s our family meal. On Friday night my husband and Igo for a walk—often just near the house—and that’s anopportunity to spend time together since we don’t have a“date night.” But we’re still working on finding moretime for each other. The kids and our jobs always seemto take priority—I think that’s the hardest piece of thejuggling act.

During the week, I don’t have a lot of time to daven.But I love our shul in Baltimore (we moved to Baltimoreseven years ago for my job) and attend every Shabbos. I goto shul because I enjoy it, not because I feel it’s a duty.


I devote Shabbos and Sunday tospending time with the kids. While ourson is in yeshivah in the morning, I’llgo for a walk with my daughter, orpaint pottery, or engage in some otheractivity with her. In the afternoon, wegenerally have a family activity. I have aBlackberry, but I try not to answer itwhen the kids are around; I’m notreachable 24/6.

I’ve found that what I’ve given upmost in the work-family equation ispersonal time with friends. On theother hand, I’m able to enjoy interac-tions with other women and the satis-faction of doing chesed through Sisterto Sister, an organization I foundedwith a few others to help divorcedJewish women. Sister to Sister beganseven years ago when I got a call from afriend about a divorced woman whohad lost her programming job and wasabout to be evicted along with her fourkids. We raised some money tohelp her (at the time I didn’t know shehad also been the victim of abuse). Iwas living in Boro Park then, andcouldn’t believe that this could happento a Jewish woman. I began makingcalls to see if there were any chesed or-ganizations to help women in situa-tions like this, but there weren’t. Ibegan talking to divorced women andheard from many who were sufferingfrom loneliness and financial stress;many had to give up financial supportfrom their husbands in order to receivea get, and they lacked education ortraining to obtain decent jobs.

Sister to Sister offers many services,

including yom tov placements, mentor-ing and Shabbatons. We currently havesome 200 volunteers and 800 mem-bers, mostly in New York and New Jer-sey. I derive great personal joy andspiritual recharging from it—it’s be-come my own social network. It’s thekind of thing where you get back somuch more than you give.

Simply entering into the widerworking world was a big change forme. I grew up in a pretty sheltered mi-

lieu. My family is what you would call“very heimish.” My mother and sisterare stay-at-home mothers, and grow-ing up, I didn’t really have any rolemodels of working women. I heard alot of “a frum woman can’t do this; afrum woman doesn’t do that.” But Istrongly feel that a woman should usethe talents Hashem gave her, and thatbeing frum is not a barrier to profes-sional success.

There was a good deal of cultureshock when I first came to work inWashington, DC. While my colleagueshad heard about Rosh Hashanah and

Yom Kippur, when it came to Sukkos,they said, “What? Another holiday, sosoon?” I never had to explain my ownpractices or view my religion throughthe eyes of other people before, and ittook time for me to get comfortableanswering people’s questionsabout Judaism.

When I first started the Fellowsprogram, I had the opportunity to goon an eight-day trip to various coun-tries in the Middle East. There was nokosher food, so I ate vegetables anddrank coffee with the others, and thenate from my stock of cereals and gra-nola bars in my room. One day, a three-star general from Washington State, aman you might characterize as real saltof the earth, took me aside and said,“Anne, I need to talk to you . . . youknow, everybody is talking about you.”

I was sure I had done somethingterribly wrong. I felt ready to dissolveinto tears, anticipating the worst. Hestarted telling me that medical care isavailable and that they could help—itseemed that everyone was convinced Iwas anorexic. So I had to explain tohim that I only eat kosher food, andhe responded by offering to arrangeit for me. I didn’t feel comfortableasking for special treatment, so I justkept refusing.

Well, back then I didn’t know youdon’t argue with a three-star general.As soon as I boarded the plane for thenext trip, the steward pulled me asideand proceeded to show me a cabinetstocked with all this kosher food Inever eat—borscht, gefilte fish, the

I’ve learned to decidefor myself what’s rightfor me and my familyinstead of listening towhat other people thinkI should do.


works. He said, “The general told me, ‘Whatever thiskosher thing is—make sure you get it for her!’”

I learned through experience that if you are firmlycommitted to your principles, people will respect you. Mynon-Jewish and non-observant colleagues are some of thefinest people I’ve ever met. They’re disciplined, commit-ted, principled. Obviously, there are boundaries: I can’t goout with them on their Friday night get-togethers or toSaturday Marine Corps parades. I used to feel left out, butI realized that I really do need and value my Shabbosim.

I wish I had been more prepared for going out to workas a frum woman in the secular world; I certainly didn’tget such preparation in Bais Yaakov. There are all kinds ofchallenges. The first time I had to walk out on my team ona Friday afternoon was very hard—in fact, I still find ithard, even when I offer to come back on Motzaei Shabbosor Sunday. It would have really helped to have a frum fe-male mentor show me the ropes and help me feel secureabout standing up for who I am.

I’m the first frum person most of my colleagues haveever encountered, and it’s a tremendous responsibility toalways be an example of integrity. I do my best, even if Idon’t get it right 100 percent of the time.

My husband helps keep me on the straight and narrow.He’ll call and say, “Anne, it’s time to come home . . .” I givehim all the credit—I couldn’t do what I do without all thehelp and support he gives me.

In terms of community support for working mothers, Iwouldn’t mind a little more accommodation with regardto yeshivah schedules. Why do they schedule school playsfor 11:00 in the morning, or 1:00 in the afternoon? For aworking parent, it’s so much better not to break up theday. I was once unable to attend my daughter’s school play.Afterward, she told me, “Mommy, you were the only par-ent who didn’t come.” That felt awful. Teachers shouldalso be available at convenient times for working mothers;it would go a long way to help us.

We should change our message to young women andtell them that they can do whatever they aspire to, even ifthey have to take ten years off to raise a family. Everywoman needs an outlet for her talents, whatever that out-let may be. Find something you enjoy, and keep your skillsfresh. If at all possible, find yourself a mentor, preferably afrum Jewish woman. Even if you don’t work outside thehome, you can still find an outlet for your talents. You liketo sing? Join the N’shei Players. Like to work with kids?Start an activities group. Also, learn to navigate the secularworld as a frum Jew without apologizing, without aban-doning your principles, but also with a sense of how andwhen to be flexible. I’m happy to offer myself as a mentorto younger women.

When I think about how seven out of eight of mygreat-grandparents were killed by the Nazis and here I amin a job where I can contribute my skills and make a differ-ence working for the US government, I feel such a debt ofgratitude. I really believe in our country and the ideals itseeks to uphold.

To hear an interview with Anne Neuberger, visit http://bit.ly/QPA1od.


Accept Your Decision to Work andCome to Terms with It. Don’t let otherpeople’s remarks create unnecessaryguilt. Understand that those who arecondescending toward other people’schoices are likely insecure abouttheir own.

Acknowledge Your Contributions. Writedown the specific ways in which work-ing benefits your family, i.e., paying to-ward your mortgage, qualifying yourfamily for medical insurance, con-tributing toward yeshivah tuition, giv-ing you an outlet so that you can be amore fulfilled and patient mother, etcetera. When you are having a difficultday, review the list.

Identify Your Weak Spots. Determinewhat your most challenging weeklytasks are, the ones that really drain youof your physical and emotional energy,and either outsource or delegate themto someone else. (And then let go!)

Put Your Oxygen Mask on First. Maketime to rejuvenate and refresh yourself.You can’t take proper care of your fam-ily if you don’t take proper care ofyourself first.

Be Selective. Don’t commit to anythingif it takes you beyond your limits, evenif it is something that feels wrong tosay no to, like hosting extra Shabbosguests or volunteering for a chesedevent. Remember that yatza secharob’hefseido (Pirkei Avos 5:14). What youaccomplish may be offset by the toll ittakes on you and your family.

Create Boundaries. Decide that whenyou are at work, you are fully focusedbeing there, but when you are at home,attend to your family only. Learning to

be in the moment—whether at work or at home—is key tomaking the most of your time andstrengthening your relationships.Come home and set aside the to-do list,and just spend the first twenty minutesreconnecting with your family.

Beware of Technology Traps. Put awayyour iPhone, which gives your familythe sense that they do not have yourfull attention. Save e-mails, phone callsand after-hours’ work for when yourchildren are in bed.

Be on the Lookout for Opportunities toBond with Your Kids. Tack special one-on-one time onto routine errands, likegrocery shopping or a doctor’s visit, bytaking your child out for ice cream af-terward or going to the park.

Take Advantage of Your Kids’ DaysOff, as well as Your Own. Even if youcan’t take off the whole two weeksyour kids might be off from school orcamp, try to take off a day or two. Thissends an important message that yourchildren are your priority and youdon’t want to miss out on spendingextra time together.

Share Your Work with Your Children.Work should not be a distant, mysteri-ous place that swallows up theirmother for so many hours each day.

Discuss with your children, in age-ap-propriate language, why you go towork and what you do there. If feasi-ble, take them to your workplace andintroduce them to your colleagues sothey have a visual image of where youare during the day.

Take an Accounting. Periodically takeinventory of your lifestyle and how youand your family are doing. Are you gen-erally feeling satisfied, or do you per-sistently feel harried and stressed out?Are you giving the best parts of your-self only to your work, and not to yourfamily? If so, what adjustments can youmake to your routine that might yield abetter outcome?

Keep Things in Perspective. If you areconsistently present for your children,and make it clear through your wordsand actions that they are your priority,they will be able to cope through a dif-ficult day or week in the life of theirworking mother. It is unlikely that theywill dwell as much as you do over anyone rough patch.

Experience Joy. Feel happy and fulfilledat work and, even more importantly, athome. Children who feel their parents’joy over being with them—whetherthey are working or stay-at-homemothers—fare best at the end of theday. Take the time to enjoy your chil-dren. Think about which activities youboth find fun and meaningful and in-corporate them into your time to-gether. This goes a long way towardstrengthening the parent-child bondeven within limited time frames.

Tzivia Reiter is the author of the recently released book Briefcases and Baby Bot-tles (New York, 2012). She is a licensed clinical social worker and a director at OhelBais Ezra, where she has dedicated her career to helping individuals with disabili-ties and their families. Her many articles on topics impacting the Jewish commu-nity, including dating and marriage, mental health and disabilities, have appearedin major Jewish publications.

Tips for theWORKING MOMBy Tzivia Reiter


was in my mid-thirties whenI got married. At the time, Iwas very invested in mywork and advancing nicely in

my field. Now that I have children,however, I find that my major fulfill-ment comes from them—not my ca-reer. I waited a long time to have afamily, and now that I do, I want to domy best by them.

My job imposes a very rigid sched-ule. I’m allotted eleven sick days and sixpersonal days, and any other time off isregarded as unpaid leave. That makes itvery stressful when my kids have a dayoff—a holiday or a fast day—and I don’t.My parents live nearby, and they helpout. My husband can sometimes stayhome; he has his own business and hasa more flexible schedule.

Depending how the Jewish calen-dar and the holidays fall, some years Ihave to take off days without pay, andthat’s hard on our budget. The com-plete lack of flexibility is also very diffi-cult. If I have to take a child to thedoctor, for example, I’ll sometimes skiplunch and leave an hour early. If a childis really sick, then it becomes a“Mommy day” and that means I haveto take off from work.

I prepare for Shabbos and yom tovby keeping things simple and makinglists. I also keep my menus really basic,nothing fancy. I make the same chickenand the same desserts every Shabbos.

Unfortunately, spending qualitytime with my husband is a challenge.We send each other text messages ande-mails during the day, updating eachother on household errands. In-depth,real conversations take place when wetake the time to sit on the couch for afew minutes in the evening and talk.On Shabbos we have longer stretchesof quality time together.

Most nights I would rather behome with the kids than go out to ashiur. As a single, I used to learn a lot—with a chavrusa or by attending shi-urim. Now I feel that I am better offinvesting my time in my family.

I would advise other women in myposition to keep Shabbos and yom tovsimple, and to learn to say no to time-consuming extras you can’t realisticallyfit in. I would like to see some helpfrom the schools in terms of schedul-ing. Teachers, please don’t tell me onThursday afternoon that my daughteris Shabbos Ima the next day! I’ve hadthese panicky moments of, “What doyou mean you need a butterfly outfitfor tomorrow?” Even though I workfull time, I’m a very involved parent. Itwould help if the teachers would keepus informed.

In the Orthodox world, the men’sschedules place much of the familyburden on the women. My husband isout a lot—for work or davening orlearning, sometimes when I reallycould use his help. Fortunately we livein a community with many differentminyanim, so if he has to miss one min-yan, he can catch another.

I sometimes hear stay-at-homemothers talking about being over-whelmed and complaining about thecooking and cleaning, et cetera. I can’thelp but think, Yeah, well, I did all thattoo—and I also went to work! I reallywish I could work less hours, but fi-nancially that is not realistic for us. Wealso pay full tuition, and sometimes Iwonder if I’m killing myself trying topay the bills while other people aregetting breaks because they’re notworking. It’s hard enough to pay ourown tuition, so I don’t really want tosubsidize someone else who’s notsweating as hard as I am to meet thepayments. On the other hand, I tell my-self that my situation is far better thanfriends of mine who work until sixevery night, or have an hour commuteto work each way.

Most of the mothers I know are notworking because they want to, but be-cause they have to. It makes for a verystressful life, but we do our best tomake it work and give our kids the at-tention they need and deserve.

Barbara Bensoussan has worked as a uni-versity instructor and a social worker, andcurrently writes for Jewish newspapers andmagazines. Her most recent novel is A NewSong (Southfield, Michigan, 2007).

Linda RothAS TOLD TO BARBARA BENSOUSSAN

LINDA ROTH, a forty-three-year-old social worker, works in the publicschool system in Chicago. With a husband and two children, aged fourand six, Linda is determined to make sure that both her family and jobreceive the attention they deserve.

I

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