Cracking Communication

•Current as at March 2014

Introduction and Overview

1. Why develop communication?

2. The foundation of communication

3. Reasons for communicating

4. Developing rapport

5. Active listening

6. Listening styles

7. Communication styles

8. Giving feedback

9. Common barriers

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Why develop communication skills?

• We communicate everyday – for every purpose – so we it’s important to get good at it!

• Our ability to connect with, and work with, others depends upon our ability to communicate.

• Our ability to get what we want, and need, depends upon our ability to communicate.

• Studies have shown the single biggest factor in the success of your personal, social and professional life is your interpersonal communication knowledge and skills.

• While we may have some natural communication skills any skill can be developed.

Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.Cracking communication 3

“Communication is at the heart of one of the greatest needs people have: to establish and maintain close

relationships.” (p. 17)

Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.

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Laying the foundation

• Human beings are interpersonal and interdependent. • The way we interact and relate is through

communication.• The basic foundation of communication must be a

genuine like for others, or, at the very least, a respect for our shared humanity.

• Cultivate an attitude of open minded, non-judgment.• Take responsibility for your part in the communication

process.

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Reasons for communicating

There are five key reasons why we communicate:

•To help•To learn•To relate•To influence•To play

Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.

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Developing rapport

The Oxford Dictionary defines rapport as:

“A close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or

ideas and communicate well.”

 

We feel rapport when we feel understood.

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Crucial aspects to rapport

According to the previous definition there are four key aspects of rapport:

•Relationship•Understanding feelings•Understanding content•Communicating well

Communication cannot be truly effective without rapport.

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Exercise

• Consider a time when you felt communication went really well. What was happening? What was being said? What were you hearing? What were you feeling?

• Consider a time when you felt communication went really badly. What was happening? What was being said? What were you hearing? What were you feeling?

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Developing rapport

Simple steps to developing rapport:

1.Use non-threatening non-verbals

2.Find common ground

3.Listen with curiosity

4.Use minimal encouragers

5.Check your understanding

6.Show empathy.

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1. Use non-threatening non-verbals

Be aware of your non-verbal communication, including:

•Facial expression•Stance•Proximity•Tonality

Smile, engage with your eyes, maintain an appropriate distance, tilt chin slightly down, use a lower tone of voice – above all, relax.

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2. Find common ground

• To begin any initial conversation find non-threatening and safe topics.

• Try commenting on a shared experience of the environment you are in, or a question about them or their experience (not too invasive).

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3. Listen with curiosity

• To truly listen it is important to concentrate on the speaker rather than your own internal dialogue (easier said than done!).

• Too often we are formulating what we are going to say and waiting for an opportunity to interject!

• We have two ears and one mouth – try listening twice as much as speaking.

• Consider how you listen when you are genuinely interested and curious about something.

• We naturally ask questions when we are interested.

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4. Use minimal encouragers

• Let the person speak until there is a pause in the conversation.

• Interrupting can negatively impact rapport – so avoid interrupting.

• To show you are listening try nodding, using appropriate facial expression, speaking minimally, eg. “yes”, “right”, or “ok”.

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5. Check your understanding

• You may be surprised how often you hear something other than what the speaker intended.

• Everything we hear is through the filter of our own experience.

• Checking your understanding ensures the speaker can clarify if you have misunderstood or focused on aspects of the message that were not a priority.

• When the speaker has finished speaking check you have understood by summarising what you think their message was.

• Incorporate content and feelings into your reflection – otherwise known as active listening.

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6. Show empathy

The Oxford Dictionary defines empathy as:

“The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”

•Empathy is not sympathy.•Reflecting feelings is a powerful way to show empathy.•Empathy can be shown by considering how you would have felt and stating the possible impact, eg. “How frustrating. That must have been a really hard week for you”.

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Active listening

There are three simple techniques to active listening:

1.Paraphrasing

2.Reflecting feelings

3.Asking questions

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1. Paraphrasing

• State in your own words what you think the speaker meant.

• Paraphrasing allows the speaker to clarify.• Paraphrasing ensures you have understood correctly.• Don’t paraphrase every sentence!• Paraphrase when there is an opportunity for

misunderstanding and when you want to keep the conversation going.

Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.

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2. Reflecting feelings

Reflecting feelings:

•allows you to show empathy•helps the speaker to feel understood•builds and maintains rapport•allows the speaker to see their feelings more objectively•helps the speaker to get clear on how they are feeling.

Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.

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3. Asking questions

Asking questions:

•ensures your understanding of the speaker’s message is accurate•allows you to gain further information•shows your interest and care.

Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.

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Listening styles - Exercise

Match the statement

to the listening style:

Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.Cracking communication 21

Communication styles

There are 4 communication styles:

•Aggressive•Passive•Passive-aggressive•Assertive

If you want to communicate effectively, the goal is to be an assertive communicator.

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Communication styles

Aggressive

The aggressive communicator is adversarial and threatening.

•Advantages: Others often avoid conflict with the aggressive communicator.

•Disadvantages: Others often stay away from the aggressive communicator, resulting in loneliness, isolation and further anger and resentment.

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Communication styles

Passive

The passive communicator unconditionally “goes along” with the crowd.

•Advantages: The passive communicator rarely experiences conflict.

•Disadvantages: The passive communicator doesn’t express themselves authentically, can be taken advantage of, avoids issues, may not have their needs met, and may feel resentment towards others.

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Communication styles

Passive-aggressive

The passive-aggressive communicator appears to be passive but displays aggression subtly.

•Advantages: The passive-aggressive communicator avoids open conflict.

•Disadvantages: The passive-aggressive communicator doesn’t express themselves authentically, avoids issues, is defensive, may not have their needs met, and feels resentment towards others.

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Communication styles

Assertive

The assertive communicator expresses content, feelings and outcomes clearly, balancing their needs with the needs of others.

•Advantages: There is an opportunity for everyone to get what they want and need as expectations are clear.

•Disadvantages: No such beast!

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Steps to assertive communication

There are three simple steps to assertive communication:

1.State the behaviour you find problematic

2.Communicate how it makes you feel

3.State the outcome you would like.

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Giving feedback

• Feedback can be positive or negative but all feedback should be given in a positive way.

• Praise in public – make suggestions for improvement in private

Sandwich technique:

• Positive

• Behaviour for change

• Positive

Feedback is most effective when:

• Timely

• Regular

• Specific

• Followed upCracking communication 28

Common barriers

Denial - The other person denies their part in the issue.

Response: Maintain your position and restate the facts using assertive communication.

Blaming you – The other person says you’re to blame for the issue.

Response: Use assertive communication, own your part in it (if there is any truth to what they are saying) and return to the issue you are raising.

Splitting hairs – The other person debates about small details while avoiding the main issue.

Response: Point out the conversation is getting stuck in small details and return to the main point.

Stalling – The other person delays or avoids the discussion.

Response: Keep insisting the importance of having the discussion and get the other person to commit to a time to discuss the issue.

Source: http://www.med.umich.edu/painresearch/patients/Communication.pdf

Source: http://www.med.umich.edu/painresearch/patients/Communication.pdf

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Next steps

1. PRACTICE! •Practice building rapport.•Practice active listening.•Practice the three simple steps to assertive communication.•Practice giving feedback.

Remember developing any skill takes time and can feel uncomfortable until you become familiar with it.

2. Get support when needed

Performance Advantage offers a six session coaching program on communication, taking you through the practical application of each of the principles touched on today - and supporting you to effectively communicate.

Call Performance Advantage on 0408 897 079.Cracking communication 30