Date post: | 06-Jul-2015 |
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by Kendra Perchant
Criminal Consultation
My job
I don’t like my job.
I am glad I have a job.
I wish I could have a different
job.
I worry about
money.
I wish I had a job that made me happy.
My non-job life
Cats
• I have two cats.
• They are named Boots and Barley.
• They were named after a cat food.
• They refuse to eat Boots & Barley cat food.
• Renaming them Iams Healthy Weight Formula seems unnecessarily cruel.
Husband
• I married Scott when we were both 23.
• He proposed with a ring made of plastic.
• We didn’t have jobs or a house or plans.
• We were happy anyway.
How I got here
I started working at this company when I
was 24.
I was young, broke, and willing to do
anything to pay the rent.
I told myself I would only work there for 2
years, maybe 3.
It’s been 14 years.I started going to law
school at night 4 years ago.
I will graduate in less than a year.
The job market is terrible.
Even though I will be qualified for a better
job, I may not find one.
Next year will be year 15.
The Elements of Larceny, or,Our lovely neighbors
Taking of property
Like the mail from my mailbox
Without consent
With intent to steal
Like to cash the unemployment checks
our roommate gets.
No force or threats
necessary
Just sneaking around when we’re
not home
A felony crime in every state
The reason I don’t get mail delivered at
home.
(I could never prove it was
them.)
Monday morning.
“Come into my office and help me with something,” he says.
His office smells like aftershave. I am 99% certain I won’t enjoy “helping.”
He makes me get him coffee.
He takes it with 2 Sweet&Low and 1 cream. I put Equal in it as silent rebellion.
My boss doesn’t like it when I’m late.
I’m never late. He is always late.
Scott
My favorite parts of him are the corners of
his eyes.
He calls me “choochoo.”
He has never yelled at me. Ever.
We’ve been together longer than I can
remember.
My husband
The Project
My boss has to present to a big potential
client.
He needs a presentation
that looks intelligent.
The two things my boss is bad
at are presenting and
intelligence.
Enter me.
My daily work
Convincing my boss I’m doing
a good job .
Actually doing my
job.
Solitaire
Getting other people
to do their jobs.
Telling others not to do my job for me.
My Dilemma
I am supposed to help my boss prepare his big presentation.
“It’s supposed to look cool, but also be informative.”
“You know, I want colors. And
diagrams. People love diagrams.”
“We need to show them we are going
to solve all their problems.”
(We have no idea how to actually
solve any of their problems.)
He needs to impress the client
and “inspire confidence.”
He has no idea what he wants.
Things My Boss Says Sometimes
• “You’re wearing your hair down today. It looks so much more feminine that way.”
• “Sometimes I don’t know who I would be more lost without—you or my wife.”
• “You’re too old to have babies now, right?”
• “Be a sweetheart and pay these parking tickets for me, won’t you?”
• “You should wear your glasses more often. They make you look like you’re smart.”
• “You remind me of a girl I slept with in college once.”
How we got here
We do consulting work for businesses that are in decline and in need of an immediate solution to a spiraling future.
Our clients have a small company and need to turn the business around to satisfy their shareholders.
We promised we could make it
happen within six months.
They paid us in advance.
They trusted us based on a
recommendation.
The recommendation
was from my boss’s brother.
The Elements of Fraudulent Misrepresentation
• Misrepresentation of a material fact– “These people know what they’re doing.”
• Knowledge that it is false or baseless– He’s a liar, not an idiot. He knows we’re terrible.
• Intent to induce someone– “Trust me, you should really give them a try.”
• Causation (they actually rely on the information)– They signed up with us that week.
• Justifiable reliance (their reliance was reasonable)– How were they supposed to know?
• Damages (actual monetary loss)– Why upfront payment is always a terrible idea.
Why we are in trouble
The client’s CEO is a woman named
Christine.
She asked my boss to give a presentation to
the rest of the company.
We will need to convince management
and shareholders.
If all goes well, this will be the biggest
engagement we’ve ever had.
The rest of her employees need to see
why our ideas are worth listening to.
My boss has no idea how to talk to a
woman in a professional manner.
I am more worried about what will
happen if we do get the bid.
The Conference Call
What She Says What He Says What he then says when he puts the phone on mute
My company needs to know you can tailor this project to our specific needs
We know that all clients are individuals. This is your project, designed exclusively for you.
Grab the presentation we did for the last client—change the names. And maybe the clip art.
I want my managers to be as excited about this project as I am. I need you to inspire them.
It will be easy to get themexcited, because we are just as excited to be working for you. WITH you.
Lady, I will inspire your dog to take a leak on my living room sofa if it will get us this bid.
We’re interested in more than a plan. We want to know you will help walk us through the transition.
We will be there every step of the way.
They paid up front, right?
Fun Facts about Theft and Embezzlement
Theft is the taking of the property of another that
never belongs to you.
Embezzlement is the fraudulent conversion of personal property
that you have lawfully in your possession (but is not yours.)
Examples:
The pens I swipe from the supply closet
Alistair’s sandwich that I took from the communal fridge
Examples:
My boss paying for lottery tickets with petty cash
Falsifying time sheets and expense reports to keep retainers paid by clients
Jobs I have applied for recently
Position Result
Paralegal in small law office “You’re overqualified.”
Associate in medium size law firm “You’re underqualified.”
Public defender “We’re over-budget and can’t hire right now.”
Clerkship with every court in the state “We recruited all our clerks through on-campus interviews with the full time students.”
Unemployment hearing officer Ironically, they are not hiring.
Dairy Task Force Coordinator Despite being coordinated and in love with cheese, not considered for the position.
Legal Services Agency in-house attorney …
It would be the perfect job.
I should hear back any day…
… I should have heard back any day…
… They would still notify me if I didn’t get it, I think…
… Maybe I should call?
Tuesday
My boss is having lunch downtown.
He is “with a client.”
I am not supposed to tell his wife.
It may be several hours.
At 2:30pm, he calls the
office. “I’m going to be running late for the
client meeting.”
“Can you grab my
notes from the top
drawer?”
“Scan the notes and
email them to me.”“And text
me the address?”
My Boss’s Desk
Candy Bar Wrappers
And a letter, addressed to me.
Dated three weeks ago.
From the legal services agency.
Defenses to Most Crimes, or, Innocent Until Proven Guilty
No intent Maybe he didn’t mean to take it.
Insanity Maybe he is crazy and thought it was going to kill me.
Intoxication Maybe he was so drunk he couldn’t have formed the intent to take it/hide it.
Self-Defense Maybe he faced imminent threat of injury unless he took it.
Necessity Maybe he believed it was necessary for the greater good to avoid a worse crime.
Duress Maybe someone forced him to take it.
Mistake of Fact Maybe he thought it was his letter.
Consent Maybe I told him to take it.
But I know the truth.
Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress
1. An act by a defendant amounting to extreme and outrageous conduct;
2. Intent or recklessness;
3. Causation; and
4. Damages – severe emotional distress.
Reactions I Briefly Consider
crying screaming
Throwing things
Trashing the office
Running home to
ScottThrowing
up
Calling the police
Calling the
client
Marching down to
the restaurant
Calling his wife
I make a different decision.
Wednesday
• I get my boss his coffee.
• I even put sweet & low in it this time.I show up early, as always.
• “You should practice the presentation,” I say.
• “You want to make sure you get the timings right.”
• “Make sure you run through it at least once before you show it to the client.”
I help him set up his laptop in the
conference room.
• “You wouldn’t need me there anyway. “
• “You can give this presentation just fine.”
• “I’m sure you’ll do great, as long as you run through it at least once first.”
I tell him I can’t make it to the client
meeting.
Lanseco Company Kick-Off Welcome!
Meet the Team
What we do
How we do it
Our path together
Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future
Welcome! We are excited to work with Lanseco to build a better
foundation for tomorrow. But not half as excited as we are about what you’ll pay.
Lanseco has a long history of providing quality products and services to a dedicated customer base. Despite your old-fashioned technology and inability to keep
profits up.
Braywood is here to make sure that the good parts of Lanseco can secure the future of the company for everyone involved. At least as long as it takes to convince you it wasn’t our fault
when you inevitably declare bankruptcy.Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future
Meet the Team
Jerry Braywood, Founder Old fart, barely around anymore. We put him out to pasture
but parade him in front of clients like you to impress them.
Nick Freemore, Partner and Executive VP This is me, the jackass. I cheat on my wife, treat my employees
like dirt, and lie through my teeth to all my clients.
Alistair McGovern, Senior Associate I never really talk to this guy. We just hired him so we could
pretend we had diversity.
Kendra Perchant, Associate My personal slave who deserves so much better than being
constantly stepped on by me.Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future
What We Do• We are not here to turn your business upside down
The fact that you retained us is proof that it’s upside down already. (You beat us to it.)
Listening to your needs is our most effective tool
But we usually settle for just convincing you that we were listening.
We bring 15 years of industry experience to ensure success from our clients’ organizations
Most of the first 14 years were spent playing golf and conducting meaningless surveys. Now we just golf.
Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future
What We Do (cont.)We bring you the complete package!
Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future
Our industry expertise
Commitment to serving our clients
Proven track record
Innovative Ideas
Notice how this chart doesn’t have any numbers?
And doesn’t actually mean anything?
Total lie
How We Do It
Partnering with you to accomplish your goals, right next to you every step of the way
Finding an approach that fits
YOU
Listening to you
Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future
Or:-Two martini lunches- Vague billing practices- Lack of any concrete metric to judge our progress- Using words you don’t understand so you don’t ask questions- Lying- Sticking around just long enough to get paid
Our Path Together
Maximum Growth Potential
Collaboration
Our best experiences
Your best ideas
Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future
Boss,I warned you to run through this before the presentation.
I know you probably didn’t.
I don’t consider that my fault.
And just in case you haven’t figured it out yet…
This is my way of telling you:- you’re a terrible boss- you’re a terrible person- I deserve better
In Conclusion
I quit.
Sincerely,
KendraPS. I didn’t tell your wife you were at lunch with another woman yesterday.
I told her you were secretly buying her a brand new car, and you were bringing it home today. I think she’s expecting a Lexus.
You’re welcome.