The Dance of fear Rising Above Anxiety, Fear and Shame

No one is immune to the grip of Anxiety, Fear and Shame

Don’t be ashamed if there are certain risks you choose to avoid. However, know that calmness, love and peace are available.

What will the Chaplain do?

When we visit the patient or staff experiencing anxiety , fear, shame and

more what resources do we have to offer people? Do we have within ourselves the resources of calmness, love, peace and

more to share with others? Do we surrender to the idea that “there is no

quick fix, or is there …...?

Is there a need to fix here? Is it too late? What is the real issue? Where is the

fear within these toddlers? Should we pay attention to fear’s message if there is one? Where is the anxiety, fear or shame here? Where is it in our lives?

What are the actual sources of our fears? Of course, fear sometimes comes with a healthy dose of anxiety and / or shame. What are the toddlers experiencing in the previous pics? Is it anxiety … fear … shame? What have we ourselves experienced that we know these

feelings, as uninvited (Cobras) guests in our lives?

What tragedy or hardship has hit us that we carry these “three” as our constant companions? Or do we? Wouldn’t you say there comes a time when we need to push past our dreaded “three” and resolve … with our hearts pounding within our chests, fight or flight … to

act!!!???

“Clarifying the deeper sources of our dreaded “three” may help us. Would you agree … or not? Fear is a message … sometimes helpful,

sometimes not, but often conveying critical information about our beliefs, our needs and our relationship to the world around us” (pg. 6,

Lerner, H.)

Chosen for TragedyI may feel shame for sharing with others my honest fear and

suffering. Are our patients here ... yet with different fears than we ourselves are troubled by? No … our patients share this experience

with us as equal members of human society. Consider how you and I are “people helping people” here at OSH. I know the patients struggle

with the feeling of being “chosen for tragedy” as if God chose it for them or whether they did something wrong to bring it about.

Something wrong … ? What about original sin? How do you feel about that? Anxiety, fear and shame are universal human experiences. “We can’t avoid the dreaded “three,” but we can choose to encounter them

in ways that will help us to feel connected again. The experience of these dreaded “three” can “teach us how to keep participating in that most basic human activity of giving and receiving.” (pg. 9, Lerner.)

Are you and I any different?What is the tragedy in your life? The tragedy in our patient’s life?

He told me that he would never trust again or even get up in the morning. What he wanted most was to share his pain and terror and be heard. There was

no cure-in-a day. Very gradually he began to confront what happened, to put his behavior in some sort of perspective and he looked more objectively at his denial…. to muster the courage to act in the

face of anxiety and eventually reducing his rage. In the reduction of rage there comes peace.

For me, prayer/worship is the most effective way to soften what is rigid in my heart and to bring me to a place of peace, Phil. 4. What is it for you ?

Where does your courage lead you?

Do you have the Courage to let go of rage? When we are rejected we may be frightened by our own rage or

frightened to let it go; not being ready to detach from our suffering. Sometimes human nature calls us to wrap pain and suffering around

ourselves like an old familiar blanket. To move forward however, may feel akin to forgiving the transgressor even more, to say “I guess your behavior didn’t hurt me that much.” The fantasy of hanging onto rage … keeps us connected to the person who has hurt us. “Anger is a form of intense attachment; like love. Both forms keep us close to the other

person. (p23.)

Have you experienced this sort of “Code Green” rage from your patients? No …? Yes …?

The rage of Anger is a poison that holds me back and keeps me from doing what God has for me. Anger does not lead to the righteous life God desires of us. It may instead lead towards narcissism … . It takes great courage to acknowledge and express anger but it requires just as much, or more, to free oneself from the corrosive effects of living too long with rage, like our

person in the last pic. The challenge may include forgiveness but does not require it. In one’s denial they become stunted in their growth towards maturity and

further prove their inadequacies (p24.)

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (Jam 1:19 - 20 ESV)

What is it that God has for you to do (in any given moment) that Anger holds you back from?Is shame hidden somewhere in your childhood memories? Still angry … ?

What’s Your Childhood ShameWhen we take rejection as proof of our inadequacies, it becomes difficult to open ourselves to another person. When we are trying desperately to hide that we are deeply inadequate, incompetent, needy. Other people’s standards vs shame kicks in and we aren’t able to view ourselves in a self loving way. Rejection is a fast route back to childhood shame. I am unworthy, unlovable, others become superior than ourselves, (p.25.)

What is the Chaplain’s role here?

Is it enough to say to the young lady in the previous pic:Deny your feelings? and acknowledge that rejection is not an indictment against your being but an experience we all face again and again. If you put yourself out there rejection becomes easier to bear … not true??!! Is it true that if we

choose to live courageously we will experience rejection and survive to show up for more. Yes … No? Afraid to experience

rejection?(p26)

Fears and Phobias

How will I manage my fear? To experience it may bring comfort, where my reasoning may fail. Yet, it may bring death also. This is a type of catastrophic thinking.

A genuine phobia comes complete with a racing heart, breathing difficulties, sweating, an overwhelming need to flee the situation and sometimes the fear of imminent death. The phobic is gripped by paralyzing neurochemical storms that may render ill fated advice like “Feel the fear and do it anyway” (pp28-29.)

Catastrophic thinking (suicidal ideation) is when I’m quietly screaming inside; but it is not a true phobic reaction. Phobias can be treated and overcome. Especially if one has a specific phobia.

Panic attacks / agoraphobia (p30.) Can you think of other phobias?

Phobias can be Treated by better understanding the neurochemical function of the brain.

What is your neurochemical storm?

Let’s take a Look Inside ...

Self-awareness? How important is it to investigate one’s own anxiety ... in the light of past

experiences? What is our relationship with our loss and grief? Take a hard look at your own realities. Signals of things gone amiss? Trust your gut and get the facts …

hear the pain. Harder phobics work to avoid the things they fear, the more their brains grow convinced that the threat is real. (CODE GREEN RESPONDERS) Talk about

patient / staff phobic issues of trust. Is anxiety a normal part of the patient / staff IPR, a signal to protect themselves or are they being neurotic? Fears , fantasies and

projections / transference can easily run amuck (p48.) How can we, as chaplains, help the patient feel safe and comfortable or maybe we

can’t? Mindlessly ignoring signs of trouble is not safe. Anxiety is a reality that can tap us on the shoulder or deliver a bone shaking jolt. The capacity to feel anxiety plays an important developmental role in the establishment of what one may call consciousness

and the capacity to experience healthy guilt / Godly sorrow (p50.)

Anxiety Deficiency Disorders

When anxiety disrupts functioning it is considered a psychiatric illness. That being said, is there a diagnosis for indifference,

perhaps the most dangerous emotion of all?The indifferent person says and acts like there’s nothing

wrong; Causing confusion … imagines that anything can go wrong … These people are indifferent even to prevent others

from recognizing danger; manipulation perhaps to “buy time;” criminal behavior; a very long list can be drawn here. It’s all deceptive and puts one in a horribly uncomfortable position.

p.53.

The Trouble with Anxiety: It wreaks havoc on one’s brain.

You or I, staff or patient, when put into an horribly uncomfortable position will experience a flooding of our

system with adrenaline. Regrettably, there’s no place to go, one cannot vacate thepremises. My whole being, when influenced by adrenaline causes my circumstancesand / or thought processes to become Hyper-aroused. Most of us, when gripped by such serious neurological symptoms are able to unbelievably manage especiallywhen we believe that we won’t die from it and when we know the feelings will subside, pp.55; 56. However, we are still silently screaming “Get me out of here!!”

Am I losing perspective when this happens to me? Are Anxiety Disorders … symptoms rather than truth? How are our patients affected by such truth-full GADexperiences though delusional sometimes? Is it fair to say that our anxiety scrambles our brain in ways that leaves us helpless and self-doubting? Lets look at it this way, “If you are alive, you have an anxiety disorder! Anxiety affectsthe way each of us perceives ourselves (p59.) Oh no, I don’t mean to trivializethe profound suffering of those who suffer from severe , relentless anxiety; paralyzing panic attacks, PTSD, phobias and more. Anxiety restrains us from coping with our new challenges. We let fear stop us (p60.)

Self EvaluationWhen anxiety revs up judgmentalness and criticism, these often take the form of Negative

comparisons. A vicious cycle ensues … My Sex Drive, myself … Gazing … loving … low T person … distractions … love and altruism:

The belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others.: "A Chaplain may choose to work with vulnerable elderly people out of altruism." Other examples?

In the face of anxiety, “Strike while the Iron is Cold.” Calm down first. The right kind of fire in the soul lends energy to zest / love of life / and love of enemy. Make the self assessment before ministry service to others: Am I aware of what’s stirring me up? Trouble with anxiety - there must be a lack of self-evaluation. Sometimes we impose upon ourselves a severe limitation of personal complaining of past experiences and/or expected future goals. These, are often ruminating, self-fulfilling doom and gloom prophecies. RUMINATIVE SELF TALK (Akin to Healthy / unhealthy self-disclosure)

Living the Life we HaveFoundation of self esteem - A balance objective understanding of one’s own strengths and limitations.

Pg.69 Know you are wonderfully flawed ….

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. ESV Psalm 139:14

Our self love needs to happen! What is it for you? Self love verses terminal seriousness (blame, flagellation, etc.) Our anxiety barometer of judging others is the flip side of judging one’s self. “Living well is the work of a lifetime that demands our full attention.” (p.70) Life is too short not to enjoy … . What would it take to empty yourself of your anxiety and its many faces?

Instead of exercising a “Snapping the rubber band” psychological technique (pp.70 - 71) Why not make the effort to “hold every thought captive” to the obedience of Christ’s Spirit. (2 Cor. 10.4 - 6) be involved in Spiritual self-care! Give up your expectations of others and replace it with compassion, born from living the life we have today. Healthy self-love brings forth healthy life changes. Allow change to benefit you.

Why we Fear Change

Change brings loss even when its a change we truly and deeply want to make. Mild regrets for the past …? Did I feel that I got to explore everything when I was growing up? The Capacity of [change / resist change] stabilizes our sense of personal identity and continuity with our past (p74.) Even simple reasonable change requires a multiplicity of changes that sometimes pedant behavior can help.

Pedant behavior: a person who is excessively concerned with minor details and rules or with displaying academic learning. Do you know anybody like that?

Finding ... is losing something else … p.77. Beliefs that change … relationships that change. Unconscious loyalties … change is an anxiety rousing business both for the one doing the effective changes and those affected by the change (p.79.) Underlying underground anxieties one will find what? Mad at God sometimes? God showed me His mercy? How has God shown His mercy to you during sometimes fearful changes?

Don’t go in the Water!?

Key people in our lives may react anxiously to our moves forward, even when they genuinely encourage us.

An old folk poem: Mother may I go out and swim? Yes, my darling daughter.

Hang your clothes on the Hickory limb, but don’t go in the water.

Do you have some anxiety about diving into new learning or new behaviors? I know our patients do.

Coping with counter moves within the system.

The anxiety that accompanies change begins when one takes the first step of saying, asking or doing something different that threatens the status quo. Next, the other person will make a “counter-move” or “Change back!” maneuver to try and reinstate the old pattern and / or the old you.(pp83-85) One may be accused of disloyalties or selfish disregard for others. One may be accused of being misguided, crazy or just plain wrong. The other person may threaten to withdraw or terminate the relationship. Or, they may sulk, argue, fight, gossip about you or do simply whatever they do when they get anxious and are threatened. People need to know where their limits (boundaries) are. What are your known boundaries in this field of thought? The challenge of change requires us to anticipate resistance within and without the system wherein we live, work and play.

Anxious systems, like OSH, are characterized by rigid rules, roles and party line political prejudices that are sometimes written in stone. The failure to register and validate the need for change is a type of “Change back!” maneuver. Change-back maneuvers (counter-moves) are simply a measure of the amount of anxiety in the system, of the which within OSH, there is plenty.

Put simply, the challenge of change requires those within the system to anticipate resistance from within and without and to manage one’s own anxiety so that we can be our best selves when the other person, out of their own anxiety, acts like a f---ing j--k whom others may become very slow, if at all, to exercise compassion towards.

Family Systems Theory

Entrenched system patterns … The Cosmic Counter Move (p.88)

Dare to disturb the universe (system) and / or your place in it? Remember, changing entrenched system patterns is only for the boldest among us. Do not begin the journey unless you are prepared to answer to the gods themselves.

Somethings never change … Who of our parents had to answer to such truth?

Within Your Anxious Workplace … calm is contagious.

GAD’s are personal and involve people and systems. Dysfunctional Behavioral Systems are sometimes characterized by struggle, stress, anxiety, pushing people to extremes, what else? Discerning the invisible forces of an anxious system requires observation and self awareness, but not limited to these. Even within the most competent people and people-systems, anxiety travels. Any change can trigger anxiety from within and/or from without the system (pp94-95)

Recognize, modify and manage your own anxiety, fear and shame. What is your style of managing stress / anxiety and shame within the system (not individual pathology)? What anxieties do you bring to work?. Let’s create a more peaceable openhearted place to work.

Underfunctioning - doing too little; appearance of …; following rules; etc.(p105)

Overfunctioning - doing too much (p.111) natural province of firstborns … Know when to stop (p.113) and realize that calm is contagious. Even during a “Code Green?”

Don’t confuse workplace with family

When survival anxiety is high, within your work family, one will discover how expendable they really are. In fact your “work family” may treat you in such an insensitive and uncaring manner that it may take your breath away. Therefore, keep your expectations realistic and your options open.

The primary goal of a work organization is to ensure its own economic viability. Unlike most families, it does not exist to nurture your growth, offer you intimacy, or make you happy, although it’s wonderful when those things happen. But work is work. Family is family. Don’t confuse them … and you’ll have one less thing to be anxious about.

The Secret Power of ShameFew of us gather together in collective shame ...Shame drives the fear of not being good enough.

What is shame to you? Shame, by it’s very nature makes us want to hide. Rarely is shame a topic of popular conversation.

Shame compels us to a steady call to silence, inaction and hiding. Try to recall the last time you felt ashamed. What did you actually experience? For many people, shame has a nightmarish quality, drenched in the horror of exposure and nightmarish consequences..

Our convictions of (Godly sorrow) healthy guilt can help us. Our capacity to feel healthy / unhealthy guilt leads to change and if shame is present it feeds our negative convictions.

Guilt is about doing ... shame is about being (discuss).

Do you have any examples from your own lives? Shame on you Triangle of emotions. How are you? … they ask, yet nobody really wants to know.(pp118-124)

Helpful affirmation

John knew that the terrible shame he felt was not what he wanted. “I didn’t set the fire … I fell asleep … It was a accident!? Yeah, my house burned down but I didn’t do it on purpose … .” Yet he felt as if he did.

John’s shame was reduced after talking about what had happened. As a result, John was able to accept that what he considered most shameful and unique about himself is often what is most universally human. What does our culture teach us concerning shame? Willing to break the silence and secrecy of unexamined shame?

What is your barometer of shame vs cover it up? Who teaches young people, much needed values? The expectation is that they (our children) will act as we do, or they become shamed out of the family. Whatever is shamed, stigmatized in the larger culture, gets absorbed as one’s personal shame. OSH is a good example of that (discuss.) What are the shameful subjects in your family? Transference of shame from one generation to the other. My poor mother …. shameful past … ? Shame vs anger. The ignorance of … shame breeds more shame as it locks people into silence and secrecy. Some people refuse to hide their shame and exchange it for pride. I knew something was really wrong but I never wanted to know it … . The extent that you hide something important about yourself or another family member is a good barometer of shame (pp132-139)

Fear of the Mirror?

What is your Anxiety and Shame level concerning your looks and being looked at? How have illness and pain intervened in your “good” life? What’s wrong … come here?

God made us and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Even the ordinary, imperfect body (that most of us have, if you can accept that) is miraculous in its complexity and functioning, even in illness and disability. Sometimes we may think that our “body” is no place to live in. I have a body and live in one (discuss.) What is your lesson in shame? Have you been on the receiving end of shaming, taunting messages? Is the fear of being shamed by your doctor greater than the fear of avoiding the doctor - and thereby risking disability or even death?

The Whatchamacallit problem. What motivates you ... positive / Negative motivations?

What is the Real Issue?What is your experience with acute self-consciousness and vulnerability? What

measure of shame fuels your anxiety? When, if ever, have you been speechless with shame and rage and powerless to protect yourself and others? Confronting painful issues from the past can sometimes help us to be at peace where shame used to flourish; but the process requires us to face the fear motivating such behavior and walk through it. Few actions evoke more anxiety than carefully opening a conversation about past shame and harm. It is most difficult if one tries to be one’s most mature self in the process. How much anxiety and emotional intensity can you manage?

To avoid the experience of shame, what will you do? You won’t go there … ? Few can apologize for who they are … will you? Verbalizing our own truth, is what we most need to hear. Reflect on patient BK … ? What’s the real issue here? Speak directly to the violation … . Are your true sources of anxiety obscured from view ... ? Do you suffer from a shame driven perspective or can you accept yourself and your life?

Self acceptance

The real ingredients of attractiveness ... Our attractiveness to self and others is powerfully influenced by our self acceptance, confidence, warmth, character, intelligence, personality, spirit, style, as well as more elusive sexual vibes that won’t be named here. Can you add to this list? Think about it. Your worst fears may never be realized. Do realize however, that nobody is exempt from an occasional crash course on vulnerability. So what do you fear the most? What makes you feel the most vulnerable? Is death what many people fear the most? What are some reasons to fear death and dying? Relationship loss?

Fear and suffering

Find a house that has not known suffering (sorrow.) The burden of grief is carried by the entire human family. Fear and suffering define the human condition, as much as, if not more than happiness and joy.

Experiencing vulnerability and suffering are an essential part of being human. However, don’t be caught up in comparing sufferings. What is the unpredictability of life, anyway?

When one is tempted to make comparisons, one should also remind oneself that if I get consumed by them, I may fail to honor my own fear and suffering because I consider it something minor. What’s wrong with me? Comparisons may leave one unable to see personal grief as part of the collective experience of human suffering, because one is attached to the cry, “I’ve suffered more!” Of course, individuals do suffer more or less, and differences need to be acknowledged . But hanging on to comparisons as a way to lift oneself out of fear and grief is opposed to where the one grieving should be headed. (pp151 - 175)

Where compassion is sharing in the sufferings of others:

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1Jo 4:18 ESV)

Let Courage give voice to your Unspoken Fears

Give voice to your unspoken fears and see what happens. One can only absorb so much anxiety without becoming sick. Nothing is more important than the people who care about you. Share experiences of such relationships.

There is nothing useful in drowning in fear and grief. Honor your suffering, find a way to connect with it, while living your life as fully as possible. It is the daily challenge for everyone on the planet?

Why is it important to feel capable of sharing fear and sorrow? Creative pretending can sometimes be a helpful way of lightening our burden of getting back in touch with our capacity for humor (black humor) and enjoyment, no matter the circumstances. What perspective are you cultivating? Where is your courage in the face of fear? Without courage to draw upon, we let fear, anxiety and shame overshadow our best selves. “Life shrinks or expands according to one’s courage,” Anais Nin. Our culture may have mistakenly imposed upon us that courage is the absence of fear. Actually, it is the capacity to think, speak and act despite our fear and shame. How do you define courage in your own life? How might you practice more of it? Things that are worth doing take practice. Courage is no exception. Was there a time you can remember when you defined courage as “not being afraid” and that cowardice meant fear? Where would one need to peek in on your life to find your courage or cowardice? Did your life ever feel like a wolf prowling around ready to pounce on you? (pp177 - 197)

Your Life

How have you experienced anxiety, fear, shame at different points in your life cycle? Fearlessness, as enviable as you may find it, is not the same as courage: which requires one to act when one is afraid or uncomfortable. Our own lives tell the story of how we are all brave in some ways and not in others. There are an infinite number of ways that a person can act with courage, or fail to, on a particular day. What constitutes courage is rarely the heroic deeds that action and adventure movies are made of.

Sometimes private invisible acts of courage are not apparent to others … and what constitutes a courageous act will not be the same for two people, or even for the same person on a different day. Courage is something not to be evaluated from the outward acts we see, because courage comes from the inside.

We have learned that “The power of vulnerability is courageous.” Because it is going to be courageous for me to say what I believe and act on my principles, sometimes at significant personal cost. On the other hand, I may become anxious when I want to speak, or believe I should speak, and choose not to, therefore lacking courage at times. How have you helped folks in their moments of lacking courage? (pp198 - 200).

DON’T JUST DO SOMETHING! STAND THERE!

Does it take courage for you to practice pure listening, even if it means listening only to understand another person’s “discovery? Have you ever tried to underreact and take a low-keyed approach while entangled in emotionally incontinent situations? Have you ever tried: Don’t just do something … Stand there! Bold acts of courage, require a commitment to acting wisely and well. Any examples?

Don’t let fear and shame hold you back from fully moving forward on your own life journey. Courage requires us to face and deal with such uninvited guests (as anxiety, fear and shame) because they predictably show up claiming new territory. The effort to avoid discomfitting emotions / feelings drains our courage and as a result creates missed opportunities. Don’t be afraid of fear; “fear is the constant companion of everyone who is living there destiny.” (Martha Beck).

Similar to our patient’s situation, finding one’s voice in an unequal power arrangement - especially when the more powerful person is shaming you - takes a great amount of courage. (pp202-204). Recognize the courage within your patients and validate it. reflect upon it. Create the room necessary to hear their story!

Courage characterized by Accountability

When we blame the blamer (or shame the shamer) that person will wrap themselves up with a blanket of rationalization and denial and avoid feeling accountable. Is that you … or our patient?

Courage sometimes involves carefully planning; how to invite the person who has harmed you back into the conversation, so that the two of you have the best chance of talking together over time in a real way. If one pays attention, one may find that it is not fear that stops us from doing the brave and true thing in one’s daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. One wants to feel comfortable, so we avoid doing the thing that will evoke fear and other disquieting emotions and feelings.

Avoidance embodies the idea of “not being accountable” and although avoidance may make one feel less vulnerable in the short run, will it ever make you less afraid? Answer please … ? What do you commonly avoid … uncommonly avoid? As you may have experienced in your own lives, courage requires us to become more anxious in situations that we have previously avoided.(pp205 - 208) Flight or flight … right?

We all struggle to find the right balance between our human need for security, comfort, and predictability on the one hand, and our need for risk taking and growth on the other. As always, finding ourselves stuck in the anxious-driven extremes is problematic.

New Behaviors ... or Old ones?

Can you think of any new behaviors (or old ones) that required courage on your part to experiment with bold new behaviors, when there was a powerful pull to stay with habitual, safe, old ways?

When was the last time that you ever purely listened to someone, detaching from the question of who is right or what is true or how you might best make your case? When was the last time you revealed something personal to a friend, significant other or spouse? When was the last time you thought to impose on someone but then decided not to? When was the last time (or first time) you stuck to your position, refusing to continue a conversation at your own expense? When was the last time you admitted to being wrong and said you were sorry … even if you felt you weren't wrong, but the other person did?

Courage is what courage does ...

Given your own professional interests in the chaplaincy, why not pay careful attention to relational courage. - Realize that relational courage is the courage to observe and change oneself in key relationships!

Courage … ? Let me Count the Ways. There is courage in taking action … There is courage in speaking … There is courage in questioning … There is courage in pure listening … There is courage in thinking for ourselves … There is courage in being accountable … . Can you think of other ways courage might be displayed in the face of one’s anxiety, fear and shame to help us “Rise Above?”

The moral of the story

The moral of the story is that one should be brave enough to acknowledge and honor one’s anxiety, fear and shame, and realize if one can do this, your acknowledged feelings will help you to be brave. “I believe that when anxiety, fear and shame arrive with their challenges, courage is right around the corner. But if I don’t let myself admit to and feel the pain I’m in, I will never get the gift of enough courage to do what I really want to do.”p218 (paraphrased)

Who / what gives you courage? How will you “rise above the dreaded three?” Does facing your anxiety, fear and shame give you courage? Each of us can benefit from knowing role models who inspire courage in us by sharing both their strength and their vulnerability. Who in your life has given you courage?

Actually, no one gives us courage. The good people in our lives inspire us, push us, encourage us, advise us, support us and more … . But rather than giving us courage, they help us to remember what courage we already have, and to inspire us to act upon it.

Summarize pp. 221-224