Conflicts With Kids Is It World War 3?

Day to day incidents in family life usually escalate into a terrible argument ending in deadlock. The parent and the child reach a stage where they defend their hurt feelings and their pride, more than focusing on resolving the situation.

YOU ARE UNFAIR

DAD

I WILL NOT!!!!!!

Why Is Deadlock Situation Not Good?

Repeated deadlock situations severely harm the parent/kid relationship

The focus becomes on defending pride and hurt feelings rather than solving the problem in hand

The parent didn’t understand the situation. School problems don’t always mean our kids misbehave. What if the teacher was incompetent or was an abuser?

The child didn’t learn anything useful. Neither how to deal with his problem nor how to modify his behavior nor how to voice what he thinks

The child will form harmful rules and stereotypes about life. I have to be strong, bullying is the solution, my parents don’t care about how I feel

Facts About Us & Our Kids Kids are immature beings – they have feelings and logic, but they don’t know how to use them, and they don’t have sufficient base of experience & knowledge to support their functioning

Kids are not plug and play – Our role as parents is to teach and coach them to be the best they can. We should not expect them to know it all on their own – or assume that any poor performance is because they want to misbehave

We are not born know it all parents – Parent/kids relationship is one where the two parties learn and grow together. Don’t ever assume that it is always the kid who needs to change

They are not us – Our children are separate creatures with different characters. We will never be able to make them look at things through our eyes and think with our minds

We prepare them for a future we don’t know – Twenty years from now, life and workplace will never be as we know it. Ideologies and science of today will be obsolete by then. We should teach them values and skills that will help them be the best they can by then

Every child is unique and special in their own way – Enough said!

The Emotional Charge

An emotion is like electrical current. We don’t see it, but we see it’s effects like operating equipments and lights

An emotion can be extremely powerful with supreme influence on us. The emotional charge doesn’t vanish or dissipate into space, it keeps on accumulating inside of us, until we can no longer bear it. It transforms itself into headaches, anxiety, insomnia, or anger bursts.

When we are fully charged with emotions, we are unable to use logic or proper thinking. This is exactly what happens in a deadlock situation. Both the parent and the child escalate emotionally, and logic is left behind

Typical Children Emotionally Charging Situations

Kid: I lost my pen. I left on my desk and went to the bathroom, and didn’t find it when I came back Parent: You are such a fool – This is the third time you do that

Kid: My teacher sent me to detention today Parent: As usual, you have misbehaved

Kid: I don’t want cereal for breakfast Parent: You should be thankful for the meal on your table

Kid: I hate grandmother Parent: Shut Up. You will go to hell and God will hate you for saying this

Kid: I am tired and don’t want to go to school Parent: You slept enough, you cant be tired

Kid: I don’t want to wear the jacket Parent: You cant be hot – I am already feeling cold, you will wear the jacket

What Did We Do In These Scenarios?

We denied their right to have different feelings (like the disagreement on the jacket or about being tired). Doesn’t this sometimes happen to us?? If yes, then why not them?? We jumped into conclusions without listening to the full story (like the teacher incident). What if the teacher was abusive and our kid had the right to complain. Also the pen incident, the kid may have a problem with concentration that needs treatment or another student is bullying him We didn’t help them with their struggles (like the grandmother and the breakfast examples). We didn’t teach them how to manage negative feelings and be socially tactful. We denied these feelings even though we ourselves have some of them

Eight Don’t Do’s In An Inflamed Conflict

1. Denying their emotions: You are not supposed to feel like that – Don’t be silly – Don’t exaggerate

2. Being Philosophical: Life is difficult – Learn from your mistakes – If life gives you a lemon make a lemonade – Life is an emotional bank account

Eight Don’t Do’s In An Inflamed Conflict (1/2)

3. Advices: You should go tomorrow and do that – You should do like I did when I was your age – Here is a list of what you need to do

4. Investigation: What happened? Who was there? What were you doing? What led to this situation? How? When? Why? Who? What? Why didn’t you do this? Didn’t you think upfront?

7. Empathizing With Others: I can understand why the teacher did this – I can imagine what your colleague was thinking

Eight Don’t Do’s In An Inflamed Conflict (2/2)

5. Pity: Oh my God!!! This happened in public??? You must be feeling miserable - What a shame

8. Psychoanalysis: You have problems in the past that impact your present. You have character issues. You try to compare your teacher and your grandmother

6. Blame & Sarcasm: You have destroyed my dreams – Shame on you

You are a loser – It is all your fault – You are a disappointment

Then What Do You Wants Us To Do???

WHAT????????

Absolutely Not!!

What We Are Saying Is

In Summary

Don’t let the day to day conflicts destroy your relationship with your children. If they don’t find safety with you, where else are they going to find it? You are their coach – you should provide them with unconditional love, acceptance and support. Don’t ever do anything that might impact any of this!!! Nothing is worth it Encourage them to be part of the solution and work out things under your supervision. Prepare them for a future that you have no idea how it will look like! Absorbing deadlock conflicts not only reduces the day to day tension, but paves the road for a long term trust relationship. Meaning if your kid get into serious trouble in his teen years or later, the first person he will refer to for support will be one of my parents, and not someone else.