Dealing with Difficult People Women’s Health 101

Diane Reller, MS, LMFT, LADC Staff Psychotherapist Recovery Plus

Is it You or Is it Me?

Types of Difficult Personalities

Generally Four Types: Downers: These people tend to focus on the negative, and will complain to anyone who will listen.

“Better Than’s”: These are the show-offs, name droppers, or always seem to have a one-up!

Passives: These are the people who don’t want to make a decision, and if things go wrong they have you to blame

Tanks: Aggressive, and want to be in control of everything. They are lead primarily by emotion and quite reactive.

A Note on Abuse

A relationship is considered abusive

Emotional, Verbal, Physical, Sexual, Financial, etc.

There are several WARNING SIGNS….

Abuse Warning Signs

Threatening

Intimidation

Insults and Humiliation

Isolation

Denial & Blame

Using other relationships (kids)

Money

Restricting Independence

Dealing With Difficult People

Since you cannot CHANGE ANYONE, you have to change YOUR REACTION

Work on striking a balance between Emotion and Reasoning.

Develop a Wise Mind

States of Mind

Reason Emotion Wise Mind

Reason and Emotion

Reason Facts

Rules

Organized

Emotion Feeling

Opinion

Unpredictable

Wise Mind Getting Our Ducks in a Row

What is Wise Mind

Key component is Mindfulness Estimated that 50% of the time the average person is on focused on the current moment Interrupted once every 11 minutes, taking 25 minutes to return to task Knowing what is needed in the moment and entering into the experience PRACTICE knowing that what other people are doing is not for you to fix or change Taking care of yourself (put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help another)

What Doesn’t Work?

Trying to fix someone else’s problem (enabling vs. helping) – there is a HUGE difference.

Offering sympathy, pity

Suggestions or solutions

Challenging them or their feelings

Telling people to look on the bright side

Suggest opposite (telling a angry person to calm down)

Empathy – The Magic

Suggestions

Try this for the next week or so… You are practicing on your behavior versus trying to change someone else, as we know that is NOT possible.

• Offer someone in your family your undivided attention. Ask them, “what was your favorite part of the day?”

• Take a 10 minute walk, focus only on the wildlife or landscape

• Pay attention to yourself when you are eating, brushing your teeth, driving, exercising, and other self care

Steps to Better Communication

Validate the other person. Let them know that you are there for them. Focus less on finding the right thing to say.

Ask yourself if there are any options? What might help?

Set limits – know when it is time to refer out, or gather more help.

Recognize that you are only responsible for your effort, not the outcome

Negotiating & Difficult Situations

When your goal is to get someone to change behavior or communicate your feelings use

DEAR MAN D – Describe (facts only) E - Express your feelings and opinions A – Assert what you want R – Reinforce the other person M – Stay Mindful of your position A – Act confident, even if you don’t feel that way N – Negotiate – consider ahead of time what your bottom line is.

Difficult Situations, cont.

When your goal is to preserve the relationship

Use GIVE: G – Take a GENTLE approach

I – Act INTERESTED

V – Validate the other person’s feelings

E – Use an EASY manner

Difficult Situations, cont.

When your goal is to walk away from the interaction with your SELF-RESPECT:

Use FAST: F – Be FAIR

A – No APOLOGIES

S - STICK to your values

T – Be TRUTHFUL

Developing Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence (EQ):

Know thyself - work on your own story Be open to feedback and criticism Stop and think throughout the day Practice Mindfulness – pay attention on purpose Breathe – practice those deep cleansing breaths (not sighs) Question your own thoughts and opinions Work on Empathy Develop active listening. Take the MULTI out of your tasks

Resources

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/

Anne Marie’s Alliance:

www.annamaries.org

In emergency dial 911 or proceed to your local emergency room.