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Publ i shed By and For I nf ectees of  The Washi ngt on Post ' s St yl e I nvi t at i onal

November 1995 Vol. II, Number 9

B R O T H E R H O O D O F L O S E R S S W IN G S IN T O A C T IO N T O A ID M E M B E R S ID L E D B Y F E D E R A L S H U T D O W NFIRST ANNUAL INTRA-SOCIETY CHARITY BREAKFAST HELD TO TIDE FURLOUGHEES OVER

I

 J udi Daniel, who donated her time and expertise to act as Caterer-in-Chief, remarks: "Turkeys

and hams have really gotten to be such a clichE! at this time of year. Fortunately I still had

this in the back of my freezer. I understand it tastes like chicken. Took forever to cook,

though." EPA ejectee Chuck Smith, former Invitational enthusiast, waits politely but hungrily in

the background.

Responding to the urgentnational fiscal crisis, N.R.A.R.S.members unnaffected by thegovernment lockout have re-sorted to old-fashioned volun-teerism and that "Can-Do!" atti-tude that distinguishes Invitationalparticipants from the averagewhiny jaded Washington Postreader.

After the inaugural Thanks-giving breakfast held at the Rt. 1

 Toddle House in Alexandria, avariety of other functions areplanned for the duration of t.hework stoppage, including compli-mentary do-it-yourself prostate-cancer-screening training by em-ployees of the Lombardi CancerCenter at Georgetown, and a se-ries of "coping seminars," be-ginning with "How To Fill ThoseEmpty Hours-- What To Do When Y ou Can't Think Up Any MoreUrine-Specific 'What-Us' And It's

Still Only 9:30 On TuesdayMorning."

~ 1l.~~

C. Smith hot streak snapped at+8; his longest since +9 chain

foundered on failure to see orderin heavenly chaos, Week 107

M. Connaghan's 6 hits thehighest one-day non-Smith total

since beginning of contest;government rocket-science

projection suggests he will break1,000 hits by Week 143

 J. Hart is first to score doubleAnd-Lasts in one Week

3-time Winner S. King returns inglory; not seen around these

parts since drawing Rockefellerwrath with "West Virginia

appliance spotters"

~ 1l.~~

 J . Pappano returns after two-

year silence. Last bon mot:"How do I love thee? Let me

count ... thy wage. "

P. Briggs brings in first Ches-tertownian winner in memory of 

man, and don't Fuhrman andGerman make a lovely couplet?

Famed balladeer David is fourthSmith to break 5-credit floor,

wins first shirt with classicalmusicological allusions

~1K  1L~~"Styrene" cover blown as Post

distributes item from Depravdaphoto archives to the entire

known world

16th Non-Consecutive SocietyBreakfast turns out 25 at KeyBridge locale; first-time atten-dees include Y vonne Driggers,

she of "Luisa Miller" and lob-ster-trap fame; George Mont-

gomery, creator of winning newLoser-shirt motif; Marcella andPhil Plait (see http://www.astro.virginia.edu/ ~pcp2g/home.html

for more info); Spoonerismswinner Steve Papier (http://

home. aol. com/SteveMusik); andPublisher's essential co-laborer

Barry Talsky

~ 1l.~c:IDWomen contestants routed as Y -

chromos sweep merchandise fromshelves, assuming "Jerry" is not"Geraldine," "Adam" is not codefor "A Dame," and "Hanus" was

not born "Hona"

 T. Kornheiser baldly and with-out attribution lifts Week-97shirt-winning .• (continued on Page 3)

Page 1

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LETTERS TO THE

REALTOR

C:huck propos(ed one-mail) that a word todescribe someone whohas so little shame thatthey actually want tosee their name in boththe Czar's and L evey'scolumns is "Witte."

 Thus does Chuck become both Bob Levey himself and an entrant to a Leveyesque contest, truly a fateworse that death. (However,) if Tomis a brotherin our efforts, he already, by definition, has noshame. J oseph Rornm, Washington

(VVeek 136, New End in Sight) is a greatcontest idea which will allow me to spend all mywaking hours coming up with entries, unlike thelast few weeks when (I) spent my time running myVISA up to the credit limit buying stupid stuff forthe Czar. Dave Zarrow, Herndon

After reading my first Depravda, I formallyretract my request for more statistics. It appearsthat Gracehas done too many to start with. She isa standard deviant. I also see that with the MikeConnaghanBurst (in the Report from Week 133),I will start losing rank if I don't start producing. Ihave informed my boss that I will be taking someweeks off so that I can be a more efficient Loser.

Phil Plait, Silver Spring You know, we're beginning to see your point of 

view on that (about the stats, that is, not your 

being a Loser, which was never in debate

here). We will still do our weekly e-mail

updates, but we think we will now start to

alternate our printed career  stats with those

provided by Mr. Beland, since making up that

list is an astonishing amount of  work and what

we are getting out of  it is generally a lot of 

petulant complaints and some naked attempts

at earning points by kissing up to us instead of 

being humorous, creative, and original. This

will also have the salutary effect of  freeing up

space so we can run a lot of  drivel that wehave been sent that we haven't got to yet.

How about reducing that thesis of  yours intodouble-dactyls for the January issue?

After seeing so many hilarious submissions on e-mail, I was expecting the (Report from Week 130,Nicely Stated) to run all the way to the bottom of the page. Maybethey need to check for pods overat the Post. The Czar seems to be slipping.

Sarah Worcester, Bowie

I've noticed lately that some of my pastcorrespondence (is) beginning to show up in yournewsletter as "current editions," with the worst

part being--can you say "snooze?"--THEY 'REPage 2

NOT FUNNY! This is like discovering thePackwood diaries and then excerpting the partabout the ham sandwich he had for lunch. Whichraises an interesting question: What is the lifespaof an old letter? Mike Thring, Leesburg

 J une 12, 1968 You all should have gotten the message by

now that anything you trouble us with via the

mail or e-mail is fair  game and may show up

at any time. We haven't yet been reduced tomaking stuff up for this page, exactly,

although your letter comes close.

It's a lie. We asked every woman in the camp-ground, and not one qualified. We don't know whythey named it like they did. When my campinpardner asked a 5-year-old, her father threw astatuette of Brigham Y oung at him.

Peyton CoynerVirgin River Narrows, Zion National Park

I t was really something having brunch with you athis morning (at the Key Bridge Marriott).Really. Something. I am genuinely touched byyour gift of the crown (for those who didn't see itit says "King of Analogies" on it, so you know it'sfrom an actual kingdom, unlike the UnitedKingdom). I just won't say where I'm touched. still say you're all nuts and I'm the sane one. Budon't we all.

I still have no shirt. And it's starting to gecold! Somebody hold me!

Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg

I am really ticked off at the Czar. This time hhas gone too far. A nice young lady with a bizarrename has taken considerable trouble and persona

expense to present him with a gift of a lobstetrap. And he gives it away. He doesn't even weait, proudly, like he would a rat sweater. Hdoesn't hang it on his wall, although there probablyaren't that many lobsters on his wall to be trappedMy experience is that they like to hang around inthat cabinet under the sink, swinging around othat pipe that loops down like a rollercoaster focockroaches. They generally do tbis until theimother yells at them. "Stop doing that before yobreak your neck! If you have a neck!" she yellsnervously clacking her claws and sidling back anforth between the Comet'" and the garbage pai

Her kids tease her. "Mom's being a crab againthey shout. And Mom doesn't laugh. Mom nevelaughs. That's why Moms generally don't do wein the Style Invitational. Their entries consismostly of threats and scolding: "I hope you wipeyour feet off after stamping those entries down ithe waste basket." Stuff like that. And that iexactly why I am ticked. It's this anti-Mom slanthe Czar has taken, to which the Republican-leCongress should be alerted.

Paul Kondis, Alexandria(continued on P age 3)

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Letters to the Realtor r continued from Page 2

Going to work this week I saw people copulatingon the bus and in cars pulled off 395. In my ownbuilding I happened to notice S. Dudzik's chainletter (as printed in the October Depravda] pinnedunder one couple in the hall. This has got to bestopped, S. Dudzik! Homes are being wrecked andtraffic patterns compromised! Well? What do youhave to say for yourself? Mary Olson, Springfield

Semper ubi sub ubi. Steve Dudzik, Silver Spring

VVhy not call Depravda "the orificial mail organof NRARS?" And if you charge for subscriptions,why not call it "the fee-mail organ, etc.?"

Gary P atishnock, Laurel

\\IAli '" M\~I.l"'1;:.~

~I4AT'~ THIS STur-r-

GO' TO co ••••, , , , , ,1 4 I:'tt

,

~M••~AS"51:.c .:. ;:

UN"'~Il"\Otl,,;) ??

Continued from Page 1

Gingrichism re feminine flotation products asstinger to lame Powell benedictory

First known appearance of an Odyssey of  theMind team as West Springfield troupe puts

together truly appalling "Pygmalion" ripoff: askPublisher what "spontaneous practice" is

~ 1l~3'7

Formerly naked G. A rnold wins first shirt in yetanother contest that turns out to have been more

than unusually difficult: "Most of you had noidea": Czar

C. Smith extends record losing streak to -5 asConsistency continues to recede from 1.500--heblames it on "furlough willies" and long nights

holding the torch for Luisa Miller

\'J\o\Y Nt.H~ GECI...11:...\\J ON t:.. •A

 T\-\t:..St:. l:>\G' ~sG "A ..C 6 SUC~~H'S

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 THE. ONt=. Vt:.Q.~E 0\"=

\'Ln<,t:. A Roc';<." YOU'l...L N~\I~R

\4l:..b-.R\N b.. C~~Vy ~Uc.K AD.

------ ._. •• •••• _ ••• _ •••••• H ••••••••

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 THE

WHINE

GARDEN

by Dr. Style

Dear Dr. Style:

We have two eyes to seein stereo, and two ears tohear in stereo. So why do wehave two nostrils? A M O Ba.Ute4 in HeAndon

Dear Baffled: Are there any people in Herndon whoaren't baffled? If, as I suspect, not, just leave thatpart out of  future correspondence to avoidredundancy. Anyway, if  you had only one nostril,then every time you blew your nose you'd blowyour brains out. Hmm--you don't happen to have

 just one nostril, do you?

Dear Dr. Style: The elementary school my children attend have

a career day in the spring. Last year mypresentation on CPAs, while informative,dramatically slowed breathing in half the class. Theother half was at the water fountain or in thebathroom. This year I am considering a talk aboutmy career with the Style Invitational. Anysuggestions on how to make it sound like a real

 job? I figure I'll begin with my collection of entries with the word "poop." J SH

Dear J SH: Terrific idea. You might begin byexplaining that you spend hours and hours everyweek at your "job" and don't even have to paySocial Security taxes. I'm sure the kids will hangon your every word as you explain the idea of "barter" and how to the untrained eye your wageslook like junk. Be sure you are wearing a Loser T-shirt (or several, if it's cold), and that yourchildren are, too. Then you should start lookingfor a good private school, since the other kids willstart making fun of your kids (don't worry, it's

 just jealousy). Mter that, Iwould recommend

family counseling. You don't by any chance live inHerndon, do you?

Dear Dr. Style:I have lost control of my life. Someone keeps

putting words in my mouth. I write the funniestcolumn every month, but someone keeps editingout the good stuff, making me look like anotherLoser. I am at my wit's end (literally andfiguratively). What can I do? Ot\.. Styt€,

Dear Dr. Style: I have no idea what you're talkingabout. You must be mistaking me for someone

else. Please. stop writing me. before it is too late.Page 4

 You have no idea what you're up against. Thesepeople will stop at nothing, err, you are obviouslydelusional. You need help. Have you triedmelatonin?

Dear Dr. Style:I hear that you have a famous astronomer on

your staff now. Will we be able to ask himimportant questions about out place in the

Universe? Can he find Uranus? ha ha haRev. Moon. PQ/.)adtl.na. C aJ .i4,..

Dear Moon: Ihave no staff, though strangely Ihave a staph infection. I answer all questionsmyself, except when THAT MODERN-DA YATHENA GRACE FULLER CENSORS ME. I do,however, field all questions ~ la J oel Achenbach,including ones about our place in the Universe. Asfor Uranus, it ain't lost, so it doesn't need to befound. J ust try taking off  your hat. Ha ha ha.r  God I love this job!]

Dear Dr. Style:I've noticed an odd thing. I am normally

meticulous in spelling, punctuation, and so forth,but there is something about e-mail that worksagainst me. I try to double-check my trans-missions, but something always slips by. Is this atwisted cry for help, or it it more of a hardwareproblem? Please hurry with your answer, as this isreally starting to bgu me.

T0'Imented in HeAndon

Dear Tormented: Don't worry. You don't have

anything nearly as scary as a hardware problem.What you have is an unconscious need to fail, acommon problem among Style Invitational entrants,Democrats, and, judging from the letters I've beengetting, apparently virtually everyone who lives inHerndon. I suggest you start some sort of support group, maybe "Failures Anonymous." Orbetter yet, start two, so you'll have one left overafter the first one fails.

~~~~'X'We regret to announce there will be no edition

of  Depravda in December. The Publisher's examschedule (concluding at 9:30 on Friday night,

December 22, essentially Christmas Eve--thosepeople have no mercy) would have pushed the

publication date back to the week of Christmas inany case. Therefore, we will give it another few

days and prepare the J anuary issue in time to be

distributed at the Society breakfast at theRockville venue (copies will be mailed to

subscribers not in attendance).

Subsequent issues will be published on the

first Sunday of each month, and all subscriptions

wiII be extended by one month.

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ACADEMI A NUTSWhat Virginia Techprofessors have to say about the Style Invitational

by The Graduate

 The Sullivan felines

react animatedly tothe nameschosenbyDepravda readershipin the earlier c0n-test. _  

Drs. Wat Hopkins, Mary Beth Oliver, Edd Sewell and Beth Waggenspack, Department of CommunicationsFrom a mass-media point of view, what is the Style Invitational? Although all four professors

today are from the same department. they had four very different answers.Waggenspack seemed to agree with the English professors from the August issue, who singled out the

literary aspects of the contest. "It promotes creative and critical thinking," Waggenspack said. "It getsyou to concentrate on non-linear thinking, which helps you when you go back to linear thinking."

Waggenspack drew a parallel to an elementary school exercise to make her point. "They have kids docartoon captioning--the teachers givepictures, then the kids have to comeup with the story" for the exactsame reasons. It stretches their non-linear capabilities, and also linear reasoning. Ah, sweet vestiges of youth.

Oliver, who specializesin the effects of media on society, likened it to aform of marketing. "If peopleenter it, they're more likely to buy the newspaper."

Involvement in a newspaper is important, according to Oliver. It's what makes it your newspaper."Seeingyour namein print gives you a link to that newspaper," Oliver said, and that link strengthens yourbrand loyalty, so to speak.

Hopkins maintains the Post has a responsibility to run the SI. "A newspaper has a responsibility tothe public," Hopkins said, "to focus attention on language and writing--the usage of language. 1think it'sa great idea."

 The greater your place in the media, Hopkins said, the greater that responsibility. "If a paper hasroom to do this," Hopkins said, "they should. It's a duty of the newspaper to protect language, to exposethese ideas and thoughts to the public." Just remember, it's the contest's job to expose, not thecontestant's!

Sewell, who is an expert in editorials and cartoons, saw similarities between the SI and cartoons(imaginethat!) "Oneof the similarities," Sewell said, "is the use of graphic visualiza- _  (continuedon Page6)

correct entries, the winner will be determined by acomplex system of rankings that Peyton Coynerand 1 have developed, and that will take up severalpages in the January issue, or maybewe'll just pickit out of a hat.

Please send your entries, alongwith your nameand address, to me, Meg Sullivan, 8502 Bells MillRd., Potomac, Md. 20854-4071. Entries absolutelymust be received by December 31, 1995, or so.Employees of  The Washington Post and theirimmediate families are welcome to enter, and,unlike certain other contests, are eligible forprizes.

 The prize for the best baby name is a stunning35"x54" "tapestry" of the young Elvis, with ashocking pink background, and guitars and scenesfrom "Jailhouse Rock" on the border. The prizefor the closest correct stats is a beautiful 9"xll"

picture of Elvis in a sequined jumpsuit, wearing alei and grasping the hand of an audience member--truly an inspi-rational pieceof art.

NA~E TF-LAT  .BAB~-!

 The samepeoplewho brought you the fabulous"NameThat Kitty" contest (namely, me) are proudto announce a new contest that offers you, theLoser, an opportunity to name an actual human

baby, and to win semi-valuable prizes as well! The contest: my sister and her husband,

Virginia and Carlos Merino, who are convenientlyout of state, are expecting their first child sometime in December (see inset). In spite of this fast-approaching due date, they have yet to decideon aname for a boy.

Since they have beenunable to make this de-cision and time is of theessence, we here at"Name That Baby" have

taken matters into ourown hands. The goal isto come up with a firstand middle name thatsound good and don'teasily lend themselves toan embarrassing nick-name, such as "RichardHedley."

If you can't think of any suitable names, weare also offering a fantastic prize for the closestguess of the kid's stats: time and date of birth,sex, weight, length, girth, etc. In caseof duplicate

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