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DISSECTING THE STIGMA 1
Dissecting the Stigma: A Relational Analysis of the Triad Between Mother-in-law, Son,
and Daughter-in-Law
Kenneth Wagner and Jessica Shaw Fletcher
University of North Texas
Introduction
Throughout history there has been a widely distributed stigma regarding mothers-
in-law as a horror which all innocent, newly married women fear and abhor. According to
many, mothers-in-law are portrayed as the bane of society and a hindrance to young love.
This relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a commonly discussed
one, yet it has not been commonly researched, as to prove its horrendous reputation true
or false. Because of the existing stereotypes of this mother-in-law and daughter-in-law re-
lationship struggle, it is important to study the implications it has and find the legitimacy
(or lack thereof) of many young women’s fears. By using the Triangular Theory of Com-
munication and Relationships of In-laws and the Uncertainty Reduction Theory in con-
junction with interviews by many mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, we can see just
how accurate the current stigma is or shed some light on the positive attributes being
widely ignored or overlooked by society. This study will allow common misconceptions
to be corrected and more functional, healthy relationships to occur once mothers-in-law
and daughters-in-law see each perspective and resign themselves to a mutual respect for
one another.
Literature Review
According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, over 2.5 million
marriages took place in the United States in 2009. From the moment a couple says “I do”,
they are embarking on life with a not only a new spouse, but also with the family that ac-
companies their mate. This can be a joyous occasion for many or prove to be a great chal-
lenge for others. While marriage can bring new siblings, cousins, aunts, or uncles into the
picture, this study is focused solely on the development between a mother in-law and
daughter in-law. Studies on the often-volatile relationship between mother in-law and
daughter in-law have appeared between the pages of Cosmo, where authors strive to give
tips to fretful daughters in-law on how to impress their mothers in-law. While research on
this relationship used to seemingly be limited to popular culture magazines, scholars have
recently begun uncovering the dynamics which exist between these two roles. Because
the face of the American family has become so diverse and varied, research has sought to
study the changing landscape which now encompasses the family unit. The new look of
the American family has led to increased research concerning step-families, blended fam-
ilies, cohabitating couples, adoptive families and other manifestations of family (Braith-
waite & Baxter, 2006; Galvin, 2006; Stanley, Rhodes & Markman, 2006). Most recently,
research has turned to the relationship between the in-laws.
Popular Culture
According to the April 2008 issue of Cosmopolitan 60% of women report having
a negative relationship with their mothers in-law. This statistic spurred a two-page article
giving the top ten ways to impress one’s mother in-law. This relationship topic has graced
the cover of Cosmo seven times since 2003. Other popular women’s magazines, such as
Allure, also commonly provide readers with insight into the minds of mother in-laws to
help aid dysfunctional relationships.
For years, sitcoms have utilized the relationship between the mother in-law and
daughter in-law as a source of humor. Televisions shows like Everybody Loves Raymond
are able to consistently amuse viewers with the frustration of the daughter in-law and the
stereotypical actions of the demonized mother in-law. In the United States, there is cer-
tainly an existing stigma which portrays mother in-laws in a negative light, and these me-
dia outlets help to maintain it.
When entering the term “mother in-law” in popular search engines, the results
suggest dysfunctional relationships. Common results were “mothers in-law from hell”,
“how to cope with an awful mother in-law”, “mother in-law venting- post your horror sto-
ries here”, etc. It is evident that this relationship has made its mark on popular culture;
however, the information gained from these popular culture sources are typically comedic
and based more on personal experiences and hearsay rather than actual research.
Scholarly Research
Until the 1980’s, little to no research studies had been conducted to explore or ex-
plain the relationship dyad between the mother in-law and daughter in-law. Despite a re-
newed interest in family communication, in-law relationships have continued to be ne-
glected. In fact, in an analysis of family communication research published from 1990
through 2003, only one study specifically focused on in-law communication (Baxter &
Braithwaite, 2006). According to Fischer (1983),
The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship has been a neglected
issue in research on American families. Radcleff-Brown (as cited in Duvall,
1954, p.119) notes that across cultures, relationships with mothers-in-law, for
both men and women, are the principal points of tension in the situation created
by marriage. In American, British and Western societies, surveys consistently
have indicated mothers-in-law to be the most disliked of all relatives. (Duvall
1954) (p. 119)
Most often, the research until this point had conclusively designated the relationship be-
tween MIL and DIL to be a negative one. The study designs gave little room for positive
responses towards the mother in-laws, and often subtly encouraged the animosity of the
daughter in-laws (Fischer, 1983). Typically, research has depicted the daughter in-law to
be a quietly submissive, yet resentful woman who gives into the wishes of the overly con-
trolling and intrusive mother in-law in order to preserve harmony amongst the triad. Ex-
isting research has nearly always viewed the relationship between MIL and DIL from the
DIL’s perspective. This “mismatch” of relational perceptions was also reported in Baden-
Marotz and Cowan’s (1987) study on intergenerational farm and ranch families. The re-
sults showed nearly twice as many daughters in-law reported problems within the rela-
tionship as did mothers in-law. New research, however, seeks to discover the missing
pieces in this relationship. “This call for research regarding in-law relationships extends
beyond the mere ‘plugging’ of a theoretical hole; empirical research regarding this dy-
namic relationship has practical implications as well” (Mikucki, 2007).
Disclosure and Marital Satisfaction
Several factors can have a profound affect on the sensitive relationship between a
mother in-law and daughter in-law. Research suggests disclosure can be one of the big-
gest aids or hindrances to maintaining successful communication (Morr Serewicz & Ca-
nary, 2008). Mothers in-law who felt they were included in the lives of their son and
daughters in-law were much more amiable in the relationship; however, when they felt
isolated or left out of the loop (purposefully or otherwise), they could become quite intru-
sive and manipulative (Petronio, 2002). It was also interesting to note the functionality of
the relationship between MIL and DIL had a positive affect on marital satisfaction (Morr
Serewicz & Canary, 2008). Bryant, Conger, and Meehan (2001) found that the quality of
in-law relationships is associated with marital success for both husbands and wives. The
authors also found that a wife’s conflict with her in-laws has a more detrimental effect on
marital satisfaction than does a husband’s conflict with in-laws. When the MIL and DIL
held a harmonious relationship, the marriage between son and DIL saw strong positive
effects. Not surprisingly, the inverse was also true; the dysfunctional relationship be-
tween MIL and DIL led to issues within the marriage of son and DIL. Norwood and
Webb (2006) stated, “If a man’s wife and mother do not get along, then he and his wife
find their marriage less satisfying” (p.19). When daughters in-law sought to include
mothers in-law in the life of their son and maintain open and honest communication, a
mutual respect was formed (Fischer, 1983).
While these results demonstrate the impact that in-law relationships can have on
the marital satisfaction, much is still unknown about the parent and child-in-law
relationship itself, specifically the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship.
Researchers have yet to elucidate why there is sometimes friction or conflict in
the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship; in other words, we have yet to
grasp an understanding of this complex relationship (Mikucki, 2007).
Theoretical Framework
The relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is complex and
multidimensional. To attempt to better understand the communication and the relation-
ship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, this study uses two communication
theories, the Triangular Theory of Communication and Relationships of In-laws and the
Uncertainty Reduction Theory. After analyzing the data and reviewing previous literature
on mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships, a combination of these two commu-
nication theories emerged as the best method to understanding the data.
The Triangular Theory of Communication and Relationships of In-laws focuses
on factors that affect the triangular relationship between a husband, spouse, and the in-
law. Although the scope of this study only included mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law
rather than include the third member of the triad, the husband, this theory can be applied
to this study for multiple reasons. First, because the relationship between mothers-in-law
and daughters-in-law typically only exist because of a connection to the husband or son, a
relational triad can be assumed, even when only focusing a dyad within that relationship.
Additionally, the husbands or sons are present throughout the data. Regardless of whether
the participant being interviewed was a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law, almost all of
the stories recalled revolved around the husband or mentioned him in the story at least
once. Finally, multiple dyads can exist within a triadic relationship. For example, al-
though the relationship between husband, daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is triadic, a
dyad may exist between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law, the mother-in-law
and the husband, and the husband and the daughter-in-law.
Relational Triads
Before attempting to understand the Triangular Theory of Communication and
Relationships of In-laws, one first must understand triads and triangles. A triadic relation-
ship has three main components or people within it. The relationship between husband,
daughter-in-law, and mother-in-law fits into a linchpin triad. The linchpin triad is a non-
voluntary relationship in were two members of the relationship are held together by a
third party, the linchpin (Morr Serewicz, 2008). In this relationship, the linchpin is the
husband, who holds the other two members of the relationship, the mother-in-law and the
daughter-in-law, together. Typical relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-
in-law are nonvoluntary and only exist because of the husband, which reinforces the cate-
gorization of this relationship as a linchpin triad.
Regardless of the dissatisfaction that a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law may ex-
perience from the relationship, the relationship cannot be ended because of the linchpin.
This nonvoluntary nature of the triad adds to the dimensions and complexity of the rela-
tional triad (Morr Serewicz, 2008). Because of a spouse’s relationship with her husband
and a mother’s relationship to her son, one of them choosing to remove themselves from
the triad is unlikely and rare (Morr Serewicz, 2008). Additionally, the dyad between
mother-in-law and daughter-in-law represents the weakest link in the triad (Morr
Serewicz, 2008). The relationship between husband and daughter-in-law is typically
stronger than the relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law. The
same is typically true for the relationship between the son and the mother-in-law com-
pared to the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. This compounds
the complexities of dyad between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.
Although this study does not address the husband, the linchpin’s importance
within the triad cannot be ignored. As previously stated, the linchpin is typically the rea-
son the relationship is formed and maintained (Morr Serewicz, 2008). In addition to be-
ing the reason for the relationship, the linchpin also plays a major role in the relationship
and how satisfactory the relationship is to the other dyad, in this case the daughter-in-law
and the mother-in-law. If a positive dyad exists between the daughter-in-law and the hus-
band, as well as the husband and the mother-in-law, it is more likely that a positive dyad
between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law will exist (Morr Serewicz, 2008). The
opposite can also be assumed, as a negative dyad between mother-in-law and husband or
daughter-in-law and husband will result in a negative dyad between mother-in-law and
daughter-in-law. Additionally, the linchpin may often fill the role of negotiator or impar-
tial mediator between the other members in the triad. This can cause strain not only on
the linchpin, but also on the additional dyads in the relationship (Morr Serewicz, 2008).
Triangular Theory of the Communication and Relationships of In-laws
The previously described characteristics of relational triads demonstrate why this
particular relationship provides in interesting and valuable area to study. The Triangular
Theory of the Communication and Relationship of In-laws provides an excellent frame-
work to investigate the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Tak-
ing the nature of triads into consideration, the Triangular Theory of the Communication
and Relationship of In-laws presents four assumptions or principles.
Assumptions
Assumption 1: The defining characteristics of the in-law relationships are the nonvolun-
tary and triadic nature of the relationship. This assumption is based on the nonvoluntary
nature of the relationship and the involvement of the linchpin within the triad. The rela-
tionship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law was created strictly because of the
husband. Regardless of negative aspects in the dyad between the mother-in-law and
daughter-in-law, the potential loss of the relationship with the husband is too great of a
cost to end the dyad (Morr Serewicz, 2008). Additionally, if the relationship between
the linchpin and one of the other members of the triad is positive, the dyad between
mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will likely be more positive. If the relationship is
negative, the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dyad will be more negative (Morr Serewicz,
2008).
Assumption 2: The in-law relationship usually exists as the weak side of a triangle in
which the other two sides represent strong ties. This assumption focuses on power within
the triad. Typically, the ties between the husband and the mother-in-law are strong, as are
the ties between the husband and the daughter-in-law. However, this assumption states
that the power between these dyads is not typically equal (Morr Serewicz, 2008). In most
in-law relationships, the ties between the husband and daughter-in-law are stronger than
those between husband and mother-in-law. Morr Serewicz (2008) states that “the more
powerful in-law can affect outcomes of the less powerful in-law to the extent that the less
powerful in-law is motivated (by love for the linchpin) to remain in the triad” (p. 269).
Conversely, if there is not a large difference in power between dyads, the weak tie be-
tween the in-laws has a greater potential to strengthen (Morr Serewicz, 2008).
Assumption 3: The in-law triangle is constantly in flux. The relationship between in-laws,
like all relationships, is fluid and ever changing. This assumption focuses on this fluid
nature and the effect it has on the relationship. Major life events, such as the birth of a
child, can cause shifts and movement in the triad as well as the dyads within the triad.
Likewise, minor everyday events and moods of the triad members can also have a similar
effect (Morr Serewicz, 2008). The relationship is also in flux from a change of roles over
time, as the dynamic may switch from the mother-in-law providing support, such as fi-
nancial support or child care, to the husband and daughter-in-law providing support in
later life to an aging mother-in-law (Morr Serewicz, 2008). These changes, no matter
how small or large, will have an affect on the relationship.
Assumption 4: Communication among triad members carries repercussions for the triad
as a whole. This assumption focuses on the communication between the members of the
triad and how communication within specific dyads can affect the triad as a whole. In
considering the communication between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, this as-
sumption is especially true. The communication between the daughter-in-law and the
mother-in-law can have a great effect on not only the dyad between the two, but also on
the husband. If the communication between the two is positive, the chances are greater
that the whole triad will be positive (Morr Serewicz, 2008). Additionally, members of the
triad will typically “make conscious choices in their communication to maximize out-
comes for the triangle” (Morr Serewicz, 2008, p.270). In other words, mothers-in-law and
daughters-in-law typically chose their words and even communication styles carefully in
an attempt to make the triad function as best as possible. Mothers-in-law and daughters-
in-laws will also many times use the husband/son as a mediator between the dyad. The
two parties use the husband/son as a communication tool to improve the communication
process (Morr Serewicz, 2008).
Although the Triangular Theory of the Communication and the Relationships of
In-Laws provides an excellent framework to research mother-in-law and daughter-in-law
relationships, we believe it does not address one key factor of the relationship – uncer-
tainty. The relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is an excellent ex-
ample of uncertainty in a relationship. Many times, one or both members have never
filled these specific roles within this relationship before. Even if one or both members
have been a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law before, uncertainty still exists because this
is a new relationship with its own unique characteristics and features. Because of this un-
certainty and the influence it can have on the relationship, we felt the Uncertainty Reduc-
tion Theory was an appropriate tool to understand this relationship deeper than the Trian-
gular Theory of the Communication and Relationships of In-laws allowed.
Uncertainty Reduction Theory
Uncertainty reduction theory focuses on the need for humans to reduce uncer-
tainty about themselves and others when meeting. Bradac (2001) defines uncertainty as
“an interactant’s subjective sense of the number of alternative predictions available when
thinking about a partner’s future behavior” (p. 458). A greater the number of alternatives
results in a greater level of uncertainty, which should result in a greater need to reduce
the uncertainty (Bradac, 2001). The theory is based on seven axioms that describe the six
causes and three consequences of uncertainty in interactions. Bradac (2001) explains the
axioms in Figure 1 (p. 459).
Uncertainty Reduction Theory Axioms
Causes Consequences
(A1) Verbal Communication ***>- ***>- Verbal Communication (A1)
***>- Nonverbal Communication
(A3)
(A2) Nonverbal affiliative expressiveness ***>- ***>+ Info-seeking behavior (A3)
***>- Intimacy of content (A4)
***>+ Reciprocity (A5)
(A6) Similarity ***>- ***>- Linking (A7)
A1 = Axiom 1, etc.
***>+ = directly related to
***>- = inversely related to
Figure 1. Seven Axioms of Uncertainty Reduction Theory
The axioms demonstrate that person A’s amount of verbal communication, non-
verbal affiliative expressiveness, and amounts of similarities are inversely related to the
person B’s uncertainty. Person B’s uncertainty is relates inversely to the verbal communi-
cation and nonverbal affiliative expressiveness toward A and to B’s liking for A (Bradac,
2001). The seven axioms provide 21 theorems that further the theory. In simpler terms,
strangers have high levels of uncertainty in when initially meeting. This uncertainty can
be reduced by high amounts of verbal communication, assumed similarities, and nonver-
bal affiliative expressiveness. A reduction in uncertainty will increase, the likelihood of
the two parties liking each other will increase (Bradac, 2001). This theory can be applied
to the interactions of mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, as most do not interact much
before the relationship is forced to develop.
Methods
Data Collection and Participants
Because of the abundance of mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, participants
for this study were recruited informally. Graduate students in a communications course
recruited mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law that they knew to participate in the study.
Participants were asked to complete a phone interview. Consent was obtained from all
participants before each interview, and the interviews were completed by the graduate
students in the class.
The interviews focused on the relationship between the mother-in-law and the
daughter-in-law. Participants were asked to recall a memorable story that involved inter-
action or communication with their mother-in-law/daughter-in-law. Upon the participant
recalling a story, interviewers asked the participant to explain what the story conveys
about the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Participants were
then asked to create a metaphor to complete the following sentence: “My relationship
with my mother-in-law/daughter-in-law is like blank.” Demographic information, includ-
ing age, ethnicity, and how long the participant has known the mother-in-law/daughter-
in-law, was also collected.
38 phone interviews were completed and included in the data set. The average age
of participants was 40 years old with the youngest participant being 24 years old, and the
oldest being 85 years old. 84% of participants in the study were Caucasian, 7% African-
American, 5% were Hispanic and 3% were Chinese. All interviews were recorded and
timed, with an average length of 4 minutes and 33 seconds. The shortest interview was 1
minute and 35 seconds and the longest interview lasted nine minutes. Interviews were
transcribed for coding and analysis purposes.
Data Analysis
Transcriptions of the interviews were compiled and then coded by the authors.
Coding categorizes pieces of the data. This allows the data to be sorted and any potential
themes to arise. Coding is a vital step in taking the collected data and developing theory
to understand the data (Charmaz, 2006). The data for this study was coding using a
grounded theory approach. Grounded theory coding is a widely used method of coding
qualitative data (Lindolf & Taylor, 2002). Charmaz (2006) states that “grounded theory
coding creates the bones for your analysis” (p. 45). Grounded theory coding looks for re-
lationships between the data to emerge and guide the theory (Charmaz, 2006).
Grounded theory coding has two main phases of coding, initial coding and fo-
cused and axial coding (Charmaz, 2006). Initial coding involves generating as many
codes or categories the data will provide (Lindolf & Taylor, 2002). Additionally, initial
coding should remain closely to the data and be grounded in the data (Charmaz, 2006).
The initial phase of coding for this study’s data set was done using line-by-line coding.
Line-by-line coding is done by naming or categorizing each line of the data. This type of
coding is conducive to coding detailed data and scenes (Charmaz, 2006). The data col-
lected from the stories about the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships provide de-
tailed data that lends itself to line-by-line coding. Initial line-by-line coding was com-
pleted separately by each author. By initially coding the data separately, the coding
should be richer and more detailed. Thirty categories were developed from the data dur-
ing the initial phase of coding.
After completing the initial coding phase separately, the next phase of grounded
theory coding was completed jointly by both authors. Whereas the initial coding focuses
on each individual line of data, focused coding uses larger segments of the data for analy-
sis. Furthermore, focused coding is used to narrow down codes and manage the data
(Charmaz, 2006). The data is coded again to identify codes that occur often or frequently.
Decisions are then made to determine which codes best analyze and describe the data ac-
curately (Charmaz, 2006). From this phase of coding, the 30 codes developed during ini-
tial coding were reduced to ten codes.
After these codes were developed through focused coding, axial coding was used
to further analyze the data. Axial coding develops connections between codes (Lindolf &
Taylor, 2002). Multiple codes may be determined to be connected, and in turn place un-
der an overarching new code. Additionally, themes may emerge that connect different
groups of data (Lindolf & Taylor, 2002). More importantly, axial coding coheres the data
that was broken apart during the initial coding phase (Chamez, 2006). Axial coding al-
lows the researcher to describe the data deeper and fuller (Chamez, 2006). After com-
pleting the final phase of coding, five main themes emerged from the data: control, toler-
ance, effort/time, cultural/socio-economic differences, and admiration of mothering qual-
ities.
Results
During the initial data analysis, over thirty codes emerged; however, after further
analysis, we were able to narrow down the data to five prominent themes. These themes
were reflective of the research supporting the Triangular Theory of Communication and
Relationships of In-laws and the Uncertainty Reduction Theory. The mothers-in-laws and
daughters-in-laws shared very different stories of experiences within their relationships,
yet several similar words and phrases kept appearing throughout the data.
Control
Seemingly one of the biggest issues in the MIL/DIL dyad was the struggle for
control. The mothers-in-law felt they had a large degree of control in their sons’ lives for
many years, and many resented the daughters-in-law for compromising their influence in
the sons’ lives. In every interview, the MIL and DIL had to reconcile their new roles in
the son/husband’s life with each other. One MIL was finding the topic particularly diffi-
cult as she described in her interview:
I mean, I want my children to be happy and I want their family to be happy and I
don’t try to tell her how to do everything or anything for that matter, but she told
me I was controlling. That I’m the most controlling person she knows, but she’s
the one that’s controlling. She…has to have everything her way and that’s why she
doesn’t like me ..it’s because she can’t control me.
This mother-in-law used the analogy of “fire and water” to describer her relationship with
her daughter in law, saying “I’m very compassionate and giving. She is just the opposite.
She wants to be totally controlling on everything. So we’re totally opposite.” Control was
an issue mentioned in 17 of the 38 interviews, indicating its importance in the relation-
ship between MIL and DIL.
Tolerance
Another prominent theme in the interviews was the need for tolerance between
MIL and DIL. Because this relationship is nonvoluntary and almost always a necessary
one, the women involved had to develop tolerance for each other if a liking could not be
achieved.
Well, it was a little bit after I got married. Maybe a year. And Carol [the MIL]
called to tell my husband he wasn’t really married. See my husband was raised
Catholic and we were married in a Baptist church. So she said because he wasn’t
married in a Catholic church, I was married but he was not. We had to have a sec-
ond ceremony just for her to stop harping on it. It’s ridiculous.
This DIL said her relationship with her MIL was one of tolerance. She could not bring
herself to have a functional relationship with her mother-in-law, but for the sake of her
husband she tolerated “his mother” (she almost always referred to her MIL in terms that
placed her out of a distinct relationship with the MIL). In each of the relationships of the
participants which could be labeled dysfunctional, the MIL or DIL mentioned some level
of tolerance as being necessary to satiate the husband. Tolerance was often related to sac-
rifice amongst the participants.
Effort/Time
Surprisingly, there were many functional, constructive relationships found be-
tween MIL and DIL among the participants. Throughout the transcriptions of these rela-
tionships, the themes of effort, patience, and mutual respect emerged. It was understood
that these relationships often began rocky yet progressed to healthy, successful relation-
ships through working to learn more about each other and reducing uncertainty to estab-
lish a common ground from which the MIL and DIL could relate to each other.
My relationship with my mother-in-law is like a crossword puzzle. Because, um,
it takes time and it takes patience to understand, but if you have the patience and
you keep at it, eventually it all comes together and you feel very…satisfied by the
time it is completed.
Nine of the 38 interviews mentioned that through time and effort, they were able to de-
velop a healthy relationship with their in-laws.
Cultural/Socio-economic Differences
It was interesting to note that one of the most prominent themes found throughout
the transcriptions was the lack of understanding due to cultural and socio-economic dif-
ferences. Many of the marriages were between two people of different ethnicities, and the
mothers-in-laws and daughters-in-laws always felt that played a large role in misunder-
standings which occurred. One DIL recalls a story of an interaction with her Italian MIL
while trying to plant flowers:
I didn’t know what we were doing and what was going on…she’s in her 70’s but
let me tell you I was running to keep up with this little lady. The whole time she’s
yelling things in Italian and I’m just nodding my head. I lived in Italy for like two
weeks, and I didn’t know any Italian…and I didn’t know what the hell was going
on…and everytime I’d try to plant a flower, even though I didn’t understand Ital-
ian, I understood she was telling me I was doing it wrong.
She described her relationship as difficult because of not only the language barrier, but
also because of many cultural and age differences.
Not only were cultural differences a problem in the MIL/DIL dyad, but growing
up in different economic situations presented issues in some participants’ relationships:
Well we don’t have a whole lot in common so I don’t really ever talk to her but
maybe twice a year. Umm, she grew up in a very different background than I
did…she was brought up very poor and not to sound bad ..so she is trashy I guess.
While the socio-economic differences in the previous dyad are destructive to the relation-
ship, it is interesting to note that in some instances the differences were able to bring the
MIL and DIL closer:
My mother-in-law is kind of an old hippie. She raised my husband on a farm and
is always covered in dirt. But my mom is very proper and would always dress up.
This is how I thought all moms were…but my [MIL] isn’t. She came to me for
help. She asked me to go shopping with her for a dress because she wouldn’t
know what to pick out and she knew I would. I thought that was really nice of her
to do.
Admiration of Mothering Qualities
In dyads which were described from the mother-in-law’s perspective, it was found
that in each relationship which appeared healthy and functional, the MIL commented on
her respect of her DIL for her mothering capabilities. When little else could appease a
mother-in-law, good parenting techniques could.
My mother-in-law ended up telling me she was so proud of me as a wife and
mother. She said “you are the best mom and wife!” I could not believe it! I was
taken back that she would say that about me since she is very “open and honest”
with others in the family and often starts fights with her honesty. She continues to
compliment me as a wife and mom- and that makes me respect and trust her more
since I think she buys into the way I am parenting our two daughters.
In 7 of the 38 interviews, an appreciation for a daughter-in-law’s parenting technique was
referenced and seen as a way to develop and deepen the MIL/DIL dyad.
Discussion
This study investigated mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships and com-
munication. Using a combination of the Triangular Theory of the Communication and
Relationships of In-laws and the Uncertainty Reduction Theory, the results of the study
provide insight to this unique and complex relationship. Two of the themes that emerged
from the study reinforce the first two assumptions of the Triangular Theory of Communi-
cation and Relationships of In-laws. Control and tolerance were found to be major fac-
tors in the MIL/DIL dyad. Bother mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law reported control
issues, most often over controlling the husband, as they attempted to navigate the rela-
tionship. Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law often merely tolerated each other to make
the relationship work. As the first assumption of the theory states, the MIL/DIL relation-
ship is nonvoluntary, which results in the members of the dyad jockeying for control.
Tolerance within the dyad also reinforces this assumption. Additionally, both control and
tolerance support the second assumption that the in-law dyad is the weakest dyad within
the triad. The MIL/DIL dyad was more about tolerating and coexisting each other than
strengthening the dyad. Additionally, attempting to have the most control over the hus-
band appeared more important than strengthening the MIL/DIL dyad.
One assumption that was not supported by this study was that the triad is in con-
stant flux. While the data did show that many of the relationships were in flux early on,
most of the dyads did not demonstrate this flux continuing. One reason for this differ-
ence may be attributed to average length of relationships in this study compared to the
length of relationship in the study used to develop the theory. Participants in the study
done by Morr Serewicz (2008) had known each other for 18-23 months. Participants in
the current study have known each other from 1.5-39 years, with the average being over
10 years. This reinforces the idea that the state of flux eventually dissipates from the re-
lationship. This also supports the Uncertainty Reduction Theory. Once the members of
the dyad reduce uncertainty, the relationship changes less and becomes less fluid.
The Uncertainty Reduction Theory also supports the Effort/Time and Cultural/So-
cio-economic differences themes. Results of the study show that most positive MIL/DIL
dyads did not initially begin positively. The mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law stated
that time and effort put in by both members eventually improved the dyad. This suggests
that time and effort reduced uncertainty, which strengthened the dyad. Additionally, Cul-
tural/Socio-economic differences highlight the uncertainty in the dyad. Mothers-in-law
and daughters-in-law highlighted differences that initially hindered the relationship.
However, the results demonstrate that these differences can eventually be overcome, re-
ducing uncertainty and creating similarities.
An interesting result of the study is the Admiration of Mothering Qualities. This
theme does not fit directly into any of the four assumptions of the Triangular Theory of
the Communication and Relationships of In-laws. Likewise, it does not fit within the Un-
certainty Reduction Theory. However, the results showed this theme assisted in develop-
ing and deepening the MIL/DIL relationship. This dynamic needs further research to
fully understand the role it plays in MIL/DIL relationship development.
As with all studies, the limitations of the study must be considered when dis-
cussing the results. The Triangular Theory of the Communication and Relationships of
In-laws focuses on the relational triad of the husband, spouse, and in-law. While the triad
is implied throughout the data, this study focused on the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law
dyad. Because of this, the results did not completely confirm all of the assumptions of
the theory. Further research is needed to determine if these anomalies are a result of using
a triadic theory for dyadic research or a true factor in MIL/DIL dyads. The lack of racial
diversity of the participants could also be a limitation of the study. Future research
should focus on other ethnicities to determine if these themes are present in MIL/DIL
dyads besides Caucasian dyads.
The results of the study highlight the uniqueness and complexity of the relation-
ship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Although each relationship is
unique, several factors or themes appear throughout the relationships. Multiple factors,
including control, effort, differences, and appreciation of mothering qualities influence
the development of the relationship. By understanding these factors, the relationship and
the development of the relationship are better understood.
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