How toOvercom

hurmrfies

eY Roernr L. Leauy

" . . . Since most worries nevercome true, worriers often areforced to admit, 'l can't recallwhat I was worried about."'

VERYONE SEEMS to worry, yet chronic woriers-thosewho worry all the time-wait a.lrnost l0 years to seek out psy-chotherapy; that is if they ever decide to go. Moreover, theyhave been hearing bad advice all the while: You have to think

more positively, they are told. You should believe in yourself. Why areyou punishing yourself? Do you want to suffer? Just stop worrying. Thisis like saying to someone who is anorexic, "Why don't you have a pas-hy?" The chance that this advice will work is about zero.

So, what are the rules for being a worrier?o If something bad can happen, then it is your responsibility to worryabout it.a Do not accept any uncertainty-you need to know for sure.o Treat all ofyour negative thoughts as ifthey are f,ue.o Anything bad that could happen is a reflection of who you are as aperson.a Failure is unacceptable.o Get rid of any negative feelings immediately.o Tieat everything hke an emergency.

Now that you know the rules, you can wony every single day of yourlife about something that probably will never happen. Congratulations,you are on the royal road to misery.

Worriers believe that they need to worry in order to be prepzLred for-or to avoid- the bad things that are going to happen to them. There is alot of excellent research on the nature of worry as well as how to getcontrol of it. What follows are seven steps to conquer those worries:

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Distinguish productive from unproductive worry. Ask younelf,"What is the advantage that I hope to get in worrying?" Worriers believethat simply having a thought-"I might fail"-means rhar rhey shouldworry about it. They think that worry will prepare. morivate. and keepthem from ever being surprised.

If I am going to fly from New York to Rome, productive worry in-volves action that I can Lake now. For instance, I can purchase my airlineticket and reserve a hotel room. Unproductive worry involves all thewhat-ifs that I cannot do anything about: What if my scheduled talk doesnot go well? What if I get lost in Rome?

Accept reality and commit to change. Research shows that worrierscannot tolerale uncenainty. treating it as if it was a sure negative. Ironi-cally. S5Va of the things ttrat worriers worry about turn out to have a pos-itive outcome. and even when he outcome is negative. 79Zo of the timeworriers end up saying, 'T handled that better than I thought I would."Demanding certainty is hopeless. Instead, look for the advantages ofhaving some uncertainty. These include noveltS suqprise, challenge,change, and growth. Otherwise, life is boring.

Along with accepting some reality and uncertainty, we know thatwonlers try to avoid uncomfortable experiences. So, as therapists, weask worriers to list all the things that they are avoiding-and then begindoing these things. The goal is "consfuctive discomfort'' and "success-ful imperfection." An individual has to be uncomfortable to grow. andchange and success are purchased at the price of imperfection. Theseideas can be quite empowering. Once someone realizes that he or she al-ready is uncomfofiable (since the individual in question is a worrier andprobably a little depressed), that person at least can use discomforl tomaKe pfogress.

Challenge your worried thinking. Worriers have thought-reatity fu-sion. The thought process goes something like this, "If I think I might getrejected, it will tum out to be true unless I worry about it and do every-thing to be sure it does not happen." Worries are like obsessions in thissense; worriers treat their thoughts like they erlready are facts. Typicalthhking errors include mind reading (he thinks I am a loser), jumping toconclusions (I don't know something, therefore I will fail), emotional rea-soning ( feel nervous, so things will not work out), perfectionism Q needto be perfect to be confident), and discounting the positive (the fact that Ihave done well in the past is not a guaftrntee of anything). Worriers alsohave sudden-emergency ideas, such as slippery slope thinking (if thistrend continues, things could go downhill in a real hurry) or trap doormentality (I could make a mistake and my whole life could fall apart).

In response, worriers should challenge and test out their thinking:What is the worst, best, and most likely outcome? What are all the thingsthat I could do to deal with a real problem? Is there any evidence thatthings could tum out okay? Am I making the same incorrect predictionsthat I always do?

Look at the deeper threat. Personality plays a role in the problem ofworrying. People differ from one another in what they worry about.Some are obsessed about money; others, health; and, still others, whatsociety thinks of them. Cognitive therapy techniques help modifi' theseconcems. Is there any real advantage in thinking in such perfectionisticand demanding terms? What would be the upside in cutting yourself alittle slack? How about treating yourself like uio-un being?"

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Moreover, you can ask yourself what advice you would give a friend,or set up experiments where you do not ask for reassurance or act per-fectly, or you spend time alone (if you think you always need someone).What will happen if you do not get reassurance? Will it really make anydifference? You also can practice writing assertive statements to the par-ent or friend who taught you to believe all these negative things aboutyourself. These "messages" do not have to be sent, but it can be helpfulto hear yourself defending your right not to live up to the demanding andcritical views of others.

Turn failure into opportunity. Worriers feel that failure is unaccept-able-and that everything can be viewed as a possible failure. If you goto a party and someone is not friendly, then you have failed. When I wasin college, I had a friend who wrote a term paper for an economicscourse. It was a plan for an ovemight mailing service. His professor gavehim a low grade. 'This is unrealistic. It will never work," the instructor

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