Divorce and Transitions - growastrongfamily.org€¦ · 3/18/2020 (c)2020 Grow a Strong Family 2...

3/18/2020

(c)2020 Grow a Strong Family 1

Compiled and Presented byMara J. Briere, MA

Certified Family Life Educator

Grow a Strong Familyhttps://growastrongfamily.org/div

orce-transitions/

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All divorces are different, yet they share common elements.

We all have the right to the pursuit of happiness, no matter whatothers might say.

Some individuals should not have married at all, should not havemarried each other, or should not have married when they did.When we discover this for ourselves and accept it, we can moveon.

Only the partners involved know the the whole story; otherpeople’s judgments are invalid, because they cannot possiblyknow what has happened.

We cannot expect to receive permission to divorce.

Staying together for the the sake of the children does not work.

Emotional

Legal

Economic

Parental

Social

Psychological

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Children need the involvement of both parents in their

lives

Divorce affects children differently according to their

stage of development

During divorce, children experience a series of stages of

grief and loss

To make a difference in the long-term outcomes for

children, it helps to develop positive ways of

communicating, solving problems and reducing conflict

Divorce is a loss for all involved.

Divorce is a loss that continues.

Children review the loss with eachdevelopmental milestone.

Divorce is forever.

Divorced parents will be divorcedgrandparents.

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1. Loss of non-custodial parent

2. Loss of custodial parent thru decreasedquantity and quality of involvement

3. Loss of pre-divorce standard of living

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Can occur WHEN the primary focus of theparents is the children!

What does this mean?

Keep the focus on the children and their needs.

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Share conversations with older children

Educate them about your mistakes

Let adult children know how much you hope theycan make better marriages succeed where youstumbled

Kids need to understand that an unhappy marriage isnot a random natural disaster but the result of humanerror that they can avoid

Most children show healthy patterns of adjustment

Let’s look at the types of “ex” and what thatportends!

Constance Ahrons (longitudinal study 1978, University of Wisconsin, NIMH, 98 divorced couples)

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“Perfect Pals” - A small group of divorced spouseswhose failed marriage has not overshadowed alongstanding friendship. They share decisionmaking, child rearing, holiday, extended familyrelationships; occasional conflicts are outweighed bya genuine fondness and attempt to accommodate oneanother.

“Cooperative Colleagues” - Larger Group who are notgood friends yet able to work well on issuesconcerning the children. Have conflict. Manage itwell. Ability to separate conflicts as spouses fromparental duties, “ups and downs”; children’s welfareparamount . Desire to minimize trauma for their kids.

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1. Make your child’s happiness and well-being yournumber one goal.

2. Treat the other parent in “a business-like manner.”

3. Treat your child as a child.

4. Encourage your child’s relationship with the otherparent.

5. Communicate directly with the other parent.

6. Make visitation exchanges pleasant and happy.

7. Take a parenting class.

8. Pay your child support on time.

9. Be patient and flexible.

10. Get counseling if you need to.

“Angry Associates” - Adversarial battle at thetime of decisive separation. Little directcontact. Custodial parent closely controls ex’saccess to children

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“Fiery Foes” - Feel nothing but fury for ex. Nocapacity for cooperation. Cling to a sense ofoutrage. Still very much attached (negatively)to one another although they deny it. Powerstruggle pervades the entire family. Childrencaught in the middle. One parent may see thechildren less and less frequently over theyears Both parents blame the other for thedecline in contact

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1. Maintain an attitude for non-interference with your child’s otherparent. Neither parent has influence or say over the actions of theother parent.

2. Carry on a business-like attitude; use common courtesy. 3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parent’s

time. It may be better for a child to miss an event than to witnessconflict.

4. Stay focused on the present. 5. Stay oriented to the task at hand. 6. Keep your children’s best interests in mind. 7. Remember the goal is to keep conflict to a minimum. 8. Follow up in writing all agreements and discussions regarding

the children, and do so succinctly! 9. When communication and/or negotiation is necessary, use a

neutral third party to assist you. 10. Keep an open mind.

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Divorced spouses after the separation/divorcediscontinue any contact with each other. “Singleparent family” the former spouse is completelyabsent, except in the memories or fantasies ofthe children.

Nature of parental divorce

Intensity of pre-separation disagreements andhow the divorce was explained

How parents get along after divorce

Custodial parent’s ability to respond to thechildren

Extent of financial decline

Temperament of child

Other relevant factors

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Children’s reaction toseparation/divorce

Disbelief

Fear

Panic

*Anger

*Confusion

*Sadness

Grief

Guilt

Experiencing the loss of controlover a parent’s behavior

Feeling Sadness

Being disappointed in parents

Feeling ashamed or embarrassed

Feeling the parent’s will stoploving you

Being angry

Feeling guilty

Blaming one parent

The Boy’s and Girl’s Book AboutDivorce (Gardner 1971)

26Rakel RE. (1995). Textbook of Family Practice

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27Rakel RE (1995). Textbook of Family Practice

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Rakel RE. (1995). Textbook of Family Practice

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Child Support and Visitation are TWO Separate issues!

…is always a hazardous undertaking. Much of the timeit is like climbing a mountain trail that disappears andreappears, making you wonder if you are still headedfor the top or if you’re stranded on a cliff. But parentingin a divorce or remarried family is harder-it’s likeclimbing that same trail in a blizzard, blinded byemotions and events out of your control. You have noclear path, no idea of where you’re going. You may noteven realize that you’re lost.

(Wallerstein, J, Et al, 2003)

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Visitation arrangements tend to change as children grow. Changes in parenting time and arrangements are best

accomplished through the adults. (Use Family Wizard) When a child doesn’t want to go on a visit, let the adults

deal with the situation! Allow teenagers the opportunity for scheduled visits even

though s/he may not want to go. Have holidays and special occasions clearly spelled out in

advance. This helps everyone adjust. (Parenting Plan) When the adults can accept the fact that holidays and

special occasions are going to be without their kids, at times,then the kids can be free to enjoy themselves with whicheverparent they are sharing the holidays with.

Create a “Transition Ritual” when children return fromvisits.

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Keep the focus on “what is in the child’s bestinterests?”

Keep the lines of communication open with yourchildren.

Contain discipline within the parameters of yourparenting time.

Have duplicate items at each parent’s houses.

Remain flexible!

Take parenting education courses to navigate therough terrain of parenting under these newcircumstances.

Tell your children that you are divorcing theother parent, NOT them!

They are never at fault!

They are loved, loved, loved.

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Do NOT put your children in the middle!

Do NOT send messages through the children.

Do NOT make any nasty or disparagingcomments about your ex when your childrenare around.

Do NOT put your children’s family down!This includes your ex and your ex’s family!

Do NOT ask about the other parent or the“goings on” in their home.

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LOVE allows children to grow through theirmistakes.

LOGIC allows them to learn from theconsequences of their choices.

Uses humor, hope, and empathy to build up theadult/child relationship

Emphasizes respect and dignity for both children andadults

Provides real limits in a loving way

Teaches consequences and healthy decision-making

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BUILD THE SELF-CONCEPT

Share the control or decision-making

Offer empathy, then consequences

Share the thinking and problem-solving

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1. The adult takes good loving care of himself orherself.

2. Whenever possible and reasonable, the adultgives the child two choices, both of whichmake the adult deliriously happy.

3. Equal amounts of empathy and consequencesdo the teaching.

1. Meet the needs of your children.

2. Set limits using empathy.

3. Guide your children in solving their own problems.

4. Allow your child to learn through real lifeconsequences whenever and wherever possible.

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Use Thinking Words: tell a child when s/he can do something;tell the child the conditions under which the adult will do

something; describe the choices the child has.

Avoid Fighting Words: tell a child what to do; tell the child whatyou will not allow; tell the child what you won’t do for himor her.

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Identify if a given problem belongs to the childor to the parent:

“What’s going to happen to me if that problemdoesn’t get solved?”

“Am I upset because he’s upset?”

“What happens to me personally?”

“How might I twist this problem to make it mine?”

Every time we solve kids’ problems, we meetour own needs.

Every time we allow kids to solve their ownproblems, they meet their own needs.

In the event that the solution is not effective, thechild gets a double learning opportunity.

Use the 5 Steps to Problem-Solving.

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1. Empathy “How sad!” What a bummer!” “Oh, my.”

2. Power Message “What are you going to do?”

3. Would you like to hear what other kids do? If “no!” stayquiet. If yes, offer choices starting with options rangingfrom worse to better. After each choice is offered, ask:

4. “How would that work out?” The child thinks aboutand states the consequences. Go from 3 to 4 until yourun out of ideas.

5. Allow the child to either solve or not solve theproblem. Say, “Good luck! I know you. It’ll work out!”

5. Develop a savings account of self-esteem throughchoices.

6. Share control by giving away what you don’t need andkeeping what you do need.

7. Show them how to do chores by doing with andteaching.

8. Only give the limit once; deliver empathy &consequences, thus allowing kids to make wisedecisions the first time.

9. Neutralize Arguing. Use one-liners…

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1. “I love you too much to argue.”

2. “I know.”

3. “What do you think I think about that?”

4. “Thank you for noticing.”

5. “Hmm.”

6. “Probably so.”

7. “I love you too much to argue.”

Say “NO!” by saying, “Yes,” to something else.

“Don’t worry about it now.” Buy yourself time to think about the behaviorand to generate appropriate consequences.

“Good neighbor policy.” This means being polite, caring, concerned, and no-nonssense.

AALT-W Avoid Anger, Lectures, Threats and Warnings

Turn your statements into questions.

Use “enforceable statements,” by saying what “I” will do…

Avoid discussion. Let consequences do the teaching.

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Initiate faster, better resolutions to conflicts

Increase your personal power & influence

Reduce interpersonal tension & stress

Choose specific approaches for handlingdifficult conversations

Develop confidence that you can communicateeffectively in ANY situation

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the way you deal with content and develop anoutcome regarding an issue.

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About 80% of the time, the important content forcreating satisfying outcomes to the challengingissues you face resides inside yourself and the othersinvolved.”

It only takes one person to change an interaction.

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TALKING: Each time you say something, yourmessage contains two parts:

What you say – the content How you say it – the style

While what you say makes a difference, it is howyou say it that has the greatest impact on yourcommunication.

Your verbal and nonverbal style is a command orrelational message… It cues the listener as towhether or not you are serious, joking, whatever.

How you listen has a measurable effect on thequality of information the other person expresses.

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S O S

Self Other(s) Stakeholders

Yourself People who areimmediately/centrallyinvolved

People who areperipherally involvedyet still affected

Your behavior and attitude reflect one another.

Behavior Observable words &actions

Attitude Underlying beliefs, feelings,& intentions

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S O S

Self Other(s) Stakeholders

All Lose fast

All lose slow

All win

Behavior

No Skill Skill

Attitude

Uncaring ABUSE MANIPULATION

Caring MISUNDERSTANDING

POSITIVE ESTEEM &RELATIONSHIP

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Awareness & Skills

1. Issues

2. The Awareness Wheel

3. Self-Talks

4. Talking Skills

Topical places things tasks Technicalmatters

Personal self Or other Orstakeholder

Relational:interactionbetweenpeople

Self &other(s)

Betweenother (s) andother (s)

Betweenother (s) andstakeholder(s)

Group: anorganizational unit

family work Leisureteam,committee,ordepartment

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Any content focus can be viewed as positive ornegative

As the focus moves from topical to relational,issues tend to get “riskier.”

Dealing with different issues requires varyingamounts of mental, emotional, and materialresources.

Knowing the differences of the types of contentfocus enables you to be more direct inidentifying and dealing with issues.

Brings clarity and organizes the 5 parts for you.

Increases understanding of self and othersbetter in relation to an issue

Assists in resolving issues more efficiently andwill less stress

Supports better decisions

Is particularly valuable when conflict isinvolved

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Six Skills:

1. Speak for Self

2. Describe Sensory Data

3. Express Thoughts

4. Share Feelings

5. Disclose wants

6. State Actions

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Ask

Summarize

Invite

Acknowledge

Attend

For more information, and to practice these skills,register for the full four week series!

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When do you date? When the crisis of separation anddivorce has passed.

When do you introduce the kids? When you are pretty surethat this person will be around for a while! Otherwise,you’re setting them up for another loss.

When remarrying, the new partner does not have “full boss”status as you do with respect to your children.

When you are away, the new partner has the same rightsand responsibilities as any other adult who has charge of thechildren without your presence.

Back up your new partner in front of the kids. However,discuss and allow partner to revise (apologize, makeamends, etc.) as necessary.

No matter what: You are the one in charge of yourchildren!

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http://aile.atauni.edu.tr/ogrenciler/dersnotu/2010_2011/AtaUniTip10_11Donem1ENFamilyLifeCycle.ppt Retrieved 3/26/11 (slides 15-17)

http://www2.bakersfieldcollege.edu/llarkin/Child%20Psych/Powerpoints/chapter15.pptRetrieved 3/26/11 (slides 2-10, 12-14)

http://www.yoursocialworker.com/Presentations/divorce-postcards.ppt Retrieved 3/4/11

http://esterman105.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/effects-of-divorce.ppt Parents Forever:Education for parents in transition. Retrieved3/26/11.

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Divorce and Transitions - growastrongfamily.org€¦ · 3/18/2020 (c)2020 Grow a Strong Family 2...

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