21 Days of Inspiration Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

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21 Days of Inspiration TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction 3 Day 1: The Foundational Question 6 Day 2: What is The Respect Effect? 9 Day 3: What if I’ve been Disrespectful? 12 Day 4: Sounding Respectful 14

Day 5: Rating Yourself 18

Day 6: Is It Normal To Beat Myself Up About My Failings? 20

Day 7: Does God Really Help? 23

Day 8: Prioritizing 24

Day 9: Why Wasn’t I Taught More? 27

Day 10: Venting vs. Solving Problems 29

Day 11: Showing Respect When You Don’t Feel Respect 32

Day 12: What If He Doesn’t Respond? 34

Day 13: His Play as a Clue to His Soul 37

Day 14: If He Doesn’t Have Self-Respect 39

Day 15: Why Hasn’t My Husband Told Me About This? 42

Day 16: How Can My Husband Help? 44

Day 17: A Husband’s Instruction 46

Day 18: Disrespectful Feelings Towards My Husband 48

Day 19: If My Husband Isn’t Loving Or Respectful 50

Day 20: Uncontrolled Outbursts of Disrespect 52

Day 21: Being Disrespectful Without Knowing It 54

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21 Days of Inspiration INTRODUCTION

I hope you have enjoyed Mother & Son: The Respect Effect.

Because you have requested these “21 Days of Inspiration,” I know you have chosen wisely the pathway of respect!

Over the next three weeks, I wish to inspire you to show respect to your precious boy!

The good news is that every mother can make this choice!

A boy provides mom with the opportunity to be a dignified woman in the home who chooses wisely to display a respectful demeanor. A boy does not make a mother choose disrespect. She is in charge of that decision.

This is not always easy, but it is always true.

Mom is free. Her son does not control her inner world. At the same time, as she applies this message of respect, she motivates and influences the inner world of her son.

Love Plus Respect As we proceed, every mom needs to be reminded that this is not replacing her love with respect. A mom loves to love. God designed her this way and she must not change. However, God designed her boy to need respect, as we have set forth in Mother & Son. As we made the case, mothers do not always think about this male need. For most women in the home, “If we love each other that’s all that matters.” The solution is to add respect to love. One of the best ways a mother can love her priceless son is by giving him the gift of a respectful demeanor, especially when confronting those behaviors about him that are not respectable!

Remember too that we are not talking about a boy deserving respect based on his performance but about a boy needing respect based on the fact that he is created in the image of God and worthy of respect apart from his performance.

A boy should be treated respectfully even when his actions are unrespectable.

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His unacceptable actions may deserve a mother’s disrespect, but that tactic proves ineffective long term. Disrespectful treatment does not motivate a boy, or any human being, to humbly deal with unrespectable behavior. A mother’s disrespectful reaction does not motivate her son to be respectable. That’s a contradiction. It may appear to be a successful method but in the end spells failure.

I want every mother to be aware of what I believe about her. God designed mothers as the most virtuous of people on the planet. Nothing compares to mother-love. Mother-love is the stuff of poetry.

But it is here that you confuse yourself. Because of your love, you do not see your disrespect. You negatively react to him because you love him. And you negatively react to him because you want him to learn to be loving. It is all about love. But a pure motive does not mean a mother always chooses to use a wise method of communicating her message of “I love you and you need to be loving.” She can deliver that message in ways that appear disrespectful. In fact, a boy can feel a mother is using the issue on the table that upsets her about him as an opportunity to send the message that she finds him unacceptable and does not respect who he is as a person.

Do you intend to be disrespectful? No. That is never your goal. However, you appear disrespectful, and upon reflection you know this. This is why most women will say, “Yes, I know that I am disrespectful but he should know that I don’t really mean it.”

Though you are not mean-spirited toward your son, he could see you as mean, or at least think you mean the disrespect toward him. Your chronic disrespectful reaction plants seeds of doubt in his mind about what you truly feel about him. Telling him constantly that you love him while constantly reacting to him in disrespectful ways sends a mixed message that can confuse him.

I love to quote the comedian Mrs. Hughes who describes her teen boy feeling sorry for himself on a particular day. He was feeling she didn’t like him or accept him. He blurted out, “If you didn’t want me, why did you have me?” She shot back, “We didn’t know it was going to be you!”

As funny as this is, sons can inwardly feel, She loves me but does not really want me, like me, or

respect me. He can feel that in her opinion he falls short of what it means to be an acceptable person, particularly when he sins in an area that she could not imagine doing.

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Hear me. I and others are not ganging up on you. We have no intentions of pointing fingers.

An Immediate Goal

Most often the remedy is softening the negative reactions that appear to send the message “I do not respect you as a human being.”

This can be less about looking for ways to show respect and more about ways of lessening the disrespect.

Along with you, I know that long-term dishonor and disrespect do not achieve the goals a mom has for the son she cherishes.

Upon reflection, we all need to grab hold of this truth: moving forward with dishonor is far more difficult and draining than choosing to roll with honoring choices. That may seem untrue since something in our nature defaults to disrespect, not respect, when upset. When pricked with a pin we don’t laugh. But we also know that over time disrespect makes it harder to move forward on intimate relationships whereas respect makes the relationship run more smoothly.

In these “21 Days of Inspiration,” I wish for all of us together to hold up the word R.E.S.P.E.C.T. This message works.

I am absolutely persuaded that when a mother is a respectful person in the home, this is the best way for her to build a long-lasting relationship with her son. The long-term dividends are incredible.

Oh, one last comment. This is not a topic to visit for twenty-one days and then journey onto other mothering destinations. This is about your boy having a need for respect for a lifetime and about you being a woman of dignity for the same duration. So, settle in!

  

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY ONE

Are you asking the foundational question: “Is that which I am about to say going to sound respectful or disrespectful to my son?”

When a mother pauses to ask this question before she speaks, good things usually result (James 1:19).

Why is this an important question to ask about respect? Mothers do not intend to be disrespectful, so they don’t see the disrespect that their boys see. Boys interpret the many exchanges with mom through the respect grid. Unfortunately, moms don’t pay attention to the boy’s interpretation, but this question keeps it in her conscious awareness.

Why do moms not readily see their disrespect? Because mothers see themselves as loving people who care deeply for their sons, they filter their negativity through the lens marked “I say this because I love you.” They do not decipher that their sons filter mom’s negativity through the lens marked “I say this because I don’t respect who you are.” Whereas mom expects her boy to discern that her love motivates her comments, that can be wishful thinking on her part. When she delivers her message in a way that sounds disrespectful to her son, she needs to soften her reaction instead of expect her son to accommodate her rants. A mom must not always expect her boy to decode her love and overlook the appearance of disrespect. She’s the adult here.

This is all the more crucial since research reveals that when upset a woman’s face turns sour, she rolls her eyes, she throws her head back, she purses her lips, and she sighs. Leaning forward, she will put her hand on her hip and with the other hand point a scolding finger. These are gestures of contempt.

Mothers are not lethal, but they can appear that way.

Added to this, when she opens her mouth estrogen enables her to formulate in a nanosecond words of disrespect that roll off her lips so naturally that she shocks even herself.

Two women who are best of friends will show this kind of behavior to each other. However, they instinctively “get it.” They do not view it as contempt but rooted in hurt,

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frustration, and misunderstanding. They automatically know the conveyance of this upset is to resolve the conflict and reconnect. The altercation appears out of control but it isn’t. Both know they intend to get to “I am sorry; will you forgive me?” When they do, all will be well again. Women do not feel uncomfortable in this emotional exchange. Some refer to this as the “ocean of emotion” among women, and these ladies swim in these deep waters quite comfortably. A mother expects her boy to make sense of her reaction. “He should know love motivates me and he deserves the disrespect, though he should also know that I really don’t mean it to the extent that it appears like I mean it.”

Regrettably, boys feel as though they are drowning. Boys feel dragged by the legs into the ocean of emotion. They feel flooded.

Unlike his sister, this boy feels overwhelmed by the gestures of contempt. He does not say to himself like his sister would, “Mom is venting so we can resolve this matter after she rants for a while.” Instead, most boys reckon, “Mom doesn’t like me. I know she loves me because she tells me, but there is something about me that bothers her. I make her mad because she sees me as bad.”

Most moms regret coming across in this way and feel awful about how their sons imagine things.

The remedy really isn’t all that difficult. When a mom pauses long enough to ask, “Is this going to look and sound disrespectful to my son?” it can help soften her disrespectful demeanor and words. This is pivotal to prevent the boy from misunderstanding why his mother is disgruntled.

What if a mother finds it tough to contain her negative emotion? When she is really upset she can at least spew out, “I am not trying to be disrespectful toward you. I am very upset over what you have done, but I am not trying to dishonor your heart. Instead, I am trying to honor you by helping you do what is right.”

She needs to clarify with her son the motivation behind her words. The use of respect words achieves this.

She must not assume that because she knows she has goodwill that he sees her as having 100 percent goodwill. What is clear to her is not always clear to her son.

Bottom line, reassure your son that your goal here is not to show him disrespect as a person.

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Remind yourself to think about asking the question before speaking: Is that which I am about to say going to sound respectful or disrespectful to my son?

Even the smartest among us need a reminder about being respectful. I recently learned of a sign posted on Harvard’s campus: “BE RESPECTFUL OF HARVARD’S NEIGHBORS. KEEP YOUR NOISE LEVELS TO A MINIMUM AFTER DARK.”

At sundry times, all of us can fail to spot how we come across to others!

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY TWO

What again is the Respect Effect toward my son?

The Respect Effect can be stated as a mother being empowered by her respect to better motivate, influence, and energize her son, which results in a more positive response and a greater sense of connection heart to heart.

The definition of respect is the showing of positive regard toward the spirit of a son no matter what he does. We refer to this as unconditional respect (1 Peter 2:18).

This does not mean mom turns a blind eye to his bad behavior. She must never respect sinful conduct. However, one application of manifesting positive regard is word choice. A mom must talk respectfully to her son’s inner heart as though he is the most honorable of men who has fallen short of doing what is right on a particular occasion.

As you read Mother & Son, you appreciated that hundreds of mothers e-mailed me about the effects of speaking respectfully to the spirit of their sons. As they applied Respect-Talk they observed a Respect Effect that some considered a miracle.

Follow the path we recommend and your own miracle awaits you.

What a mother needs to avoid is the Disrespect Effect that results from her negative-looking demeanor.

A mom wrote, “If my son does something that is not worthy of respect, I can quickly fall into this trap of disappointment and even the disdain that you talk about. It then gives me a feeling of, Oh, he might never change . . . I probably give off this attitude of disappointment, and I know only too well that my son can tell.”

In order to avoid the Disrespect Effect, guard against a demeanor of disdain, which often happens when you are stressed an inch beyond what you can handle. For example, your son’s disregard of your instruction combined with your physical exhaustion fuel moments of deep-seated dislike toward this boy who bucks at that moment when you don’t need him to buck. You’ve had it. Kaboom! You turn to rudeness and a look that can kill. I have met

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countless moms who have confessed to me, “I love my son dearly but there are moments that I can’t stand him, and he knows it because I let him know it one way or another.”

At those moments I urge every mother to be honest about her upset but to prevent the Disrespect Effect she needs to incorporate Respect-Talk. For instance, say it this way: “I am not trying to be disrespectful toward you. Instead, I am upset and mad—very mad—over what you have done, which I told you not to do and which is not in keeping with who I believe you to be, a blossoming man of honor. Now, go do what I told you to do.”

On the one hand, this frees you up to be honest about your feelings, but on the other hand it prevents him from misunderstanding why you are so negative. This maintains the Respect Effect. He can actually feel honored during these rebukes, and that’s the goal. And, is that not why you correct him—because you have a vision of the man God calls him to be?

Yet, guard against using Respect-Talk to shame him. Note the added words to the above. “I am not trying to be disrespectful toward you. Instead, I am upset and mad—very mad—over what you have done, which I told you not to do and which is not in keeping with who I believe you to be, a blossoming man of honor. Now, go do what I told you to do. Frankly, I don’t know why you are so dishonorable and make it so tough for me to respect you.”

Let me add, horrible days do not mean the Respect Effect isn’t working. The moms who applied this concept of respect had appalling days and tiresome stages with their sons, but they weathered the storms in order to meet this need in their sons. Seeing this as a need in their sons propelled them to persist.

Remember, just saying the word “respect” gets the attention of most sons in ways that many moms never imagined. In Mother & Son, I provide hundreds of Respect-Talk phrases a mother can use based on the age of the boy and his felt need at the moment. Assuming you underlined a few phrases that I recommend you use, review some of these and hear yourself speaking them.

Keep thumbing through the book to pick up on the turn of a phrase I propose that you use. To produce the Respect Effect, as the subtitle of the book draws attention to, you must go beyond your words of love and say things that appeal to his inner man. When you do he will react less negatively to you, and for some moms that’s an effect she cherishes more than gold at this stage in his development.

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY THREE

What if I have been disrespectful?

All of us will choose the path of disrespect at various moments. No mom can be respectful all the time. No one is perfect (Romans 3:23).

When you flop, acknowledge it.

A beautiful virtue of women is their willingness to quickly express sorrow on the heels of their imperfection.

One of the most common utterances from the lips of females is, “I am sorry.”

A strength of every mother toward her boy is saying, “I am sorry; will you forgive me?”

When you catch yourself being disrespectful just say, “I am sorry for the way I spoke words of disrespect to you. Though what you did was not acceptable and you need to correct this, my reaction to you was wrong. Will you forgive me?”

Do not believe for one moment you will lose power and influence. You are actually exemplifying in front of your son how to apologize for disrespect. Because he must honor his father and mother (Exodus 20:12), you increase your moral authority to appeal to him to confess his disrespect toward you. How can a mom expect her son to apologize to her for his disrespect when his mom never expresses regret for her disrespect?

As you seek your son’s forgiveness, know that boys are forgiving toward their mothers. They know mom has their best interests at heart, and these boys move on. So, don’t live in fear that your son’s quietness means he secretly nurses a resentment toward you. He’s dreaming about some adventure, not about your inadequacies.

And, seek the Lord’s forgiveness.

Many of us are familiar with the acronym T.G.I.F., which means to most “Thank God It’s Friday.” Actually, for you and me T.G.I.F. ought to mean “Thank God I’m Forgiven.”

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Remember what the apostle John penned: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

Pray this prayer at this moment.

“Lord, my son does not always deserve my respect, but neither does he deserve my disrespect. Please forgive me for appearing rude and uncivil. As I have asked him, ‘Will you forgive me?’ may You put it in his heart to forgive me, and would You also forgive me and cleanse me? I want to be a woman of dignity. Grant to me the strength to carry myself this way. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY FOUR

Can you remind me again what to say that sounds respectful?

What is your precious and cute boy hearing from you?

Every mother needs to learn what sounds respectful to her boy.

She can do this by looking for the God-given desires God placed within her boy related to C.H.A.I.R.S.

As you recall, C.H.A.I.R.S. is the acronym I use to explain these male desires. Your boy has a desire...

· to work and achieve (Conquest)

· to provide for, protect, and even die (Hierarchy)

· to be strong, lead, and make decisions (Authority)

· to analyze and counsel (Insight)

· for friendship shoulder to shoulder (Relationship)

· for sexual understanding and knowing (Sexuality)

These desires exist and you must look for them.

When you do look for them and write them down, you can use Respect-Talk by saying such things as,

· “I respect your desire to work hard in school” (C).

· “I am proud of the way you protected your little sister” (H).

· “I am impressed with the way you are becoming stronger and stronger” (A).

· “I salute you for the insight you had on how to keep the dog from digging under the fence” (I).

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· “In watching you with your buddy Sam, I really want to honor you for your desire to help with his homework” (R).

· “I want to express my appreciation to you for your insightful questions about girls” (S).

What if his performance isn’t there?

An infant won’t play the bugle, but that musical ability could reside within his DNA and will one day sound out in reveille.

Purposefully focus on his burgeoning desires, not his crummy performance.

For the mother who asks, “Emerson, I do not see all these desires in my son. Is my boy an exception?” let me share several thoughts.

One, some of this is age related. A four-year-old boy isn’t thinking about a job or sex.

Two, some of this is unseen by mom because she isn’t paying attention. It isn’t that the desires are absent but that she doesn’t look close enough to see them.

As you have gone through Mother & Son, you should be in a better position to define these desires.

Three, some boys fear acting on these desires due to the disrespect they receive from others. A son offers a solution to his sister and mom, but both verbally pounce on him as stupid. He won’t go there again with his analysis due to the onslaught of scorn.

And four, some boys have encountered failure acting on these desires. A teen boy is interested in a girl but she rejects him. He goes stone silent about having any interest in the opposite sex. But we all know his desire for female companionship lingers deep within his masculine soul. He merely shields himself against hurt.

Trust me, God planted these six seeds within him. Some of these desires will not sprout until puberty and some will be suppressed from humiliation, but the residual always remains.

Hollywood recognizes these innate desires. Just as no woman is unaffected by Sleepless in Seattle due to her feminine desires, a man sits on the edge of his seat during Saving Private Ryan or Gladiator due to his male instincts. The movie industry makes billions of dollars from these innate and differing yearnings within men and women.

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Let’s use a husband as an example about how these desires inhabit the masculine soul.

· Conquest: A husband may be unemployed but desires to work and achieve. A wife can honor that desire though her husband is out of work.

· Hierarchy: A husband may be unable to provide as he did in earlier days, but his desire to provide remains. She can respect this desire in her husband.

· Authority: A husband may not have the same leadership gifts that his wife possesses, but God still holds him responsible to manage his family. She can honor his desire for feeling responsible to be the overseer.

· Insight: A husband may not have all the wisdom he needs to speak into a particular matter, but he desires to help by offering a good solution. A wife can show respect toward that desire.

· Relationship: A husband may not be as romantic face-to-face as his wife wishes, but he desires to be friends with her by doing shoulder-to-shoulder activities. She can respect his desire to be friends.

· Sexuality: A husband may not have the same sexual desires that his wife has, but he has a need that only his wife can meet. God created this desire within the husband. She can respect God’s design of her husband to need her.

Bottom line, look for these God-given desires that reside within the soul of the boy. Study his dreams and you can find many of his innate desires.

We have a good friend who is one of the best fighter pilots in the world, which the air force affirmed. As a boy, that desire was there but his parents overlooked the many comments he made about flying. In their case their failure to fan those desires into a flame did not hurt or hinder this boy.

This story brings home the point that innate aspirations inhabit these little people we call boys and causes one to wonder what would have happened if these parents showed condescension toward his desire to fly? Might that have deterred him from pursuing the career he chose? Just a thought.

I recall a dad telling a group of men, “My son wants to be an engineer.” Later the boy said, “No, Dad, that’s what you want for me.” This dad realized the need to fan into a flame the desires his boy possessed.

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When honoring, respecting, valuing, appreciating, praising, thanking, or saluting these desires, a mom is using Respect-Talk. A boy will be energized to act in accordance with his desire and to remain true to the desire. Mom’s Respect-Talk will water the sprout of each desire. Respect-Talk empowers mom.

Though mom may feel her expressions of love ought to be sufficient to motivate and mold her son, she will find Respect-Talk penetrating the soul of her son more deeply than she can imagine.

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY FIVE

How do I accurately rate myself in showing respect to my son?

Rate yourself on respecting your son’s six desires related to C.H.A.I.R.S.

I address these six desires in chapter 4 of Mother & Son: The Respect Effect.

Permit me to ask this question: Do you express the following Respect-Talk based on his age?

Rate yourself from 1 to 4 using the scale: 1. Often 2. Sometimes 3. Seldom 4. Never

1) Conquest: I tell him, “I respect your desire to work and achieve.”

1. Often 2. Sometimes 3. Seldom 4. Never

2) Hierarchy: I tell him, “I respect your desire to provide, protect, and even die.”

1. Often 2. Sometimes 3. Seldom 4. Never

3) Authority: I tell him, “I respect your desire to be strong, to lead, and to make decisions.”

1. Often 2. Sometimes 3. Seldom 4. Never

4) Insight: I tell him, “I respect your desire to analyze and solve problems.”

1. Often 2. Sometimes 3. Seldom 4. Never

5) Relationship: I tell him, “I respect your desire for friendship, just being there for your buddies.”

1. Often 2. Sometimes 3. Seldom 4. Never

6) Sexuality: I tell him, “I respect your desire for sexual understanding.”

1. Often 2. Sometimes 3. Seldom 4. Never

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You are doing wonderfully given you rate yourself in all categories with a 1 or 2.

However, this self-assessment can guide and motivate you to bolster those you rated a 3 or 4.

In Mother & Son, please reread those sections under the C.H.A.I.R.S. category that you should buoy up.

Do not beat yourself up where you feel you have been remiss. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Keep running at this!

Let me make one qualifying statement. The “Sometimes” category can be better than the “Often.” I say this because too much cake will make anyone sick. A boy needs to hear “I respect you” at authentic moments, not manufactured moments. When he senses mom using Respect-Talk in a forced way rather than a natural manner, he could feel manipulated or disbelieve her.

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY SIX

Is it normal to beat myself up over my failings to do this respect stuff?

A husband wrote to me, “I already told my wife that I will buy this book for her if she promises not to beat herself up. She’s a GREAT mom, but like me is a sinner who still needs to learn a lot. But she is usually too hard on herself when she reads or hears things like this.”

Usually with great enthusiasm a mother responds to my initial sharing of the Respect-Effect and how this motivates a son to respond to mom in positive ways. However, as some go deeper on this subject she transitions emotionally as she fixates on her flaws.

For instance, were you tempted to avoid ordering the “21 Days of Inspiration” because after you read Mother & Son you feared hearing something that would shame you?

For some moms, instead of seeing themselves as royalty in God’s eyes and fulfilling a royal calling, they see themselves as mere pawns on the mothering chessboard of life.

They see themselves much worse than they are because they obsess over an episode of utter nastiness.

This is a female tendency.

A female model can be a perfect 10, as they say, but as she looks at herself in a full-length mirror she gazes on what she perceives to be all of her flaws. She can’t stand what she sees. Feeling depressed, she moves into self-loathing.

A mom does the same with her mothering. She self-deprecates and then feels overwhelmed by guilt and shame.

Instead of discerning this as an overreaction, contrary to the facts, she runs from this topic. Instead of staying engaged on this subject because of the good news she learns about her boy, she turns this into bad news about herself. Instead of valuing the revelation about her

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son, she claims this is a referendum against her. “This material teaches I am a horrible mother.”

She sees herself as a loser.

Will you see this information as insight into your son or read this with the result that you condemn yourself for being a nightmarish mother? For the sake of your boy, do not lose your concentration. Oddly, if you don’t see this, it suddenly becomes all about you. This can happen because of your humble, honest dislike of yourself! In condemning yourself, you cease making this about the boy you birthed (or adopted).

Okay, now do you feel even worse?

This is a great test. Will you let this comment, “It’s not all about you,” discourage and defeat you because this is another remark that makes you feel like a bad person? Will you again beat yourself up?

Is it time for you to stop this?

The Bob Newhart Show revolved around Bob as a psychologist. In one classic scene a woman comes to him because of her fear of being buried alive. Her obsession about it made it impossible for her to live a healthy, normal life.

He informs her that he has the answer in two words. With joy she invites him to tell her. He firmly and loudly says, “Stop it!”

Shocked she says, “But I fear being buried alive.”

“Stop it!” he shoots back.

“But this stems from my childhood.”

“Stop it!”

We laugh because of his superficial counsel.

But at another level this is not superficial at all.

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I have had mothers tell me that they came to a point in their lives when they made a decision to stop beating themselves up as failures as moms. In their brain they said to themselves, “Today, I am going to stop this. I cannot keep living this way. God loves me and is for me. I am His child. Though I fail as a mother, I am not a failure as a human being. I will acknowledge my failures, as I want my kids to acknowledge their failures. But I will not conclude I am a failure as a person any more than I want my kids who fail to conclude they are failures. I will model for them how not to beat up on themselves.”

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY SEVEN

Does God really help a mother who is trying to do her best in applying this Respect-Talk?

Yes, God helps mothers. I invite you to ask Him for His help. When you feel the most down, that’s the best time to look up.

A mother wrote, “I could not sleep this morning. I was praying and asking God, what must I do? Our situation at home is not what I know it could be. I share some of the same testimonies of the mothers from your writings on respecting sons. I was specifically reflecting on one son’s behavior last night. I believe God led me to read your insights in His perfect timing. I will be stopping now to spend quiet time with the Lord. I believe that God has answered my cries for help in this very emotional situation.”

Let these scriptures guide your prayers:

Hebrews 4:16—“Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

Philippians 4:6–7—“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Matthew 7:11—“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!”

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY EIGHT

Should this respect thing to sons really be a priority?

What if I wrote a book to fathers on the power of speaking and showing love to their daughters and a dad e-mailed me, “I did notice the difference when I used love a few times, but I can’t remember what I said . . . I will try to be more deliberate and have more loving conversations with my daughter”?

As a woman, what would you feel if you read that?

On the one hand, you’d be encouraged that he is headed in the right direction.

On the other hand, would his words cause you to think this guy is a little out to lunch? Does he really prioritize his daughter’s need for love or is it a marginal matter at best? After all, he can’t even remember what he said lovingly to her that worked. And though he’ll try to be more deliberate, he makes no promises other than he’ll try.

Would you be a bit bothered by his fuzzy thinking?

But here’s what I need to tell you. I never received any such e-mail from a father about his daughter, but I did receive the following from a mother.

She wrote, “I did notice the difference when I used it [respect] a few times, but I can’t remember what I said. . . . I will try to be more deliberate and have more respectful conversations with my son.”

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Okay, do you feel the same or different about her compared to the dad?

Yes, on the one hand, her heart is moving forward in a commendable way.

On the other hand, she reveals just how marginalized this idea of respect is in her thinking.

Though she noticed a difference when using Respect-Talk, she can’t bring back from her memory what she voiced to him! Nada!

Though she will try to be more intentional about this respect stuff, she makes no commitment.

Though she will try to “have more respectful conversations with” him, she does not see this as an essential need in her son.

Obviously, this has not been a priority to her.

What this attests to is that this message about meeting a boy’s need for respect is not getting through to her. She doesn’t really believe in it.

To her, this respect stuff is more of an item she should put on her “to do” list as a “could do” item sometime in the future. It is not a “must do” item.

Should we give her credit for wanting to be more deliberate? Not really. She will try to be more deliberate like she will try to be more deliberate in correctly gripping her golf club the next time she plays golf, whenever that might be.

She cannot exactly remember how she gripped her club last time, but it did make a difference in bettering her golf score. Unfortunately she only plays golf a couple times a year, which explains why she can’t remember the new grip from six months back.

Golf is not a priority.

What this mother doesn’t detect is that when she makes this issue of respect a marginal matter to herself, she marginalizes her son.

Of course, no mother intends to trivialize her son, which is why this is so tough for her to diagnose in herself. She would give her life for her incomparable son because she loves him beyond words.

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But what if her son truly had a need—an essential need—that she overlooked? Would she be interested in making that a priority?

What we are up against with most goodwilled moms is that this topic of a boy’s need to feel respect does not ring true as a necessity and primary issue.

For this reason, I am appealing to every mother to awaken to how God has designed men and boys. God made us male and female. Neither of us are wrong; we are just different.

In the male’s world when our spirit is treated respectfully, we feel deeply honored. We desire to respond to this other person. We want to serve them. We are willing to die for them. We definitely view them as our friend with whom we enjoy connecting.

I have gone on record as saying that as a boy grows, feeling respected in his spirit apart from his performance is as needed and energizing to him as a father’s love toward his daughter’s spirit apart from her performance is needed and energizing to her.

Okay, then, let’s make this a priority. Let’s go beyond making this a mere item on a to-do list. This is far more important than a golf grip.

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY NINE

Why was I not taught more about a mother’s need to respect her son’s need for respect?

There are three basic reasons.

One, mothers love to love. Within her DNA are chemicals that compel her to love. She can’t not love! She loves to love!

Thus, this discussion about respecting her boy runs contrary to what she feels as a woman and mother. She does not declare, “I love to respect.”

She does not actively oppose the idea of respect; it just isn’t central to her, nor to the women with whom she fellowships. I had a woman say to me, “What is that word you use again?” A bit taken back, thinking she was joking, I replied, “You mean the word respect?” She said with all sincerity, “Oh, yes, that’s it. Thank you.”

To women, respect (contrary to love) feels more like a term that should be used in business or the military. The exception is the respect she needs from her son.

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Two, when the topic of respect toward children surfaces, predictably the attention turns toward daughters due to the feminist movement. In the opinion of many, it should not be about respecting boys but about respecting girls.

For instance, when I say, “A boy needs respect,” the immediate response of a significant percentage of women is, “Girls need respect.” The conversation does a U-turn away from the need in boys to the need in girls. I have referred to this as the propensity in some women to hijack the conversation.

But we must realize boys and girls differ. Yes, girls need respect but the very social events that take place among boys and girls are interpreted differently. Generally speaking, girls want to be liked and when rejected they don’t process this as being “dissed” as much as being disliked. She asks, “What is it about me they don’t like?” Whereas boys want to be respected and when rejected do feel “dissed.” He asks, “What is it about these people that they would be so disrespectful? I don’t deserve this disrespect.”

God hardwired boys and girls differently. Because we are equal in the eyes of God does not mean we are the same in the eyes of God. He made them male and female.

Though boys and girls need love and respect equally, the felt need differs.

Sadly, in some quarters, the boy’s need for respect doesn’t matter as much as the girl’s need to be accepted, understood, liked, loved, and respected.

Because many feel the girl has been neglected for centuries, it is her turn to be the focus. But this unique way a boy filters his world is the key to understanding and motivating the boy. Mothers are less empowered to influence, persuade, and energize a son when his need for respect is brushed off.

Three, some conclude erroneously that the idea of showing respect to a boy feeds male chauvinism by suggesting males are superior. After all, is this not the traditional understanding of conveying respect: you show respect to your superiors? The man sits around in the home while the women do all the work like servants.

Intending to bring an end to male chauvinism, anything that smacks of a return to patriarchy and male dominance strikes fear in the hearts of some women.

However, most mothers of boys do not intend to let these three reasons detract them from meeting a boy’s need for respect.

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What about you? Even though you naturally feel the desire to love, will you add the language of respect toward your son? Even though women and daughters need respect, will you refuse to let that truth hijack your commitment to meet your son’s need for respect?

Even though male chauvinism is real, will you refuse to see your son in that light and meet his need for respect?

21 Days of Inspiration DAY TEN

Would a mother like me prefer to vent about her problems with her boy rather than solve those problems?

On Facebook we extended an invitation to our followers.

“Calling all moms! If you have applied Respect-Talk to your son, please e-mail us and share specifically what you said or did and how your son responded. Write to us at sons@loveandrespect.com.”

A mother responded, “I have 3 boys (16, 15, and 11). They are argumentative. They back chat me. I feel used when they want something. They come to me and when they get what they want they don’t thank me. They ignore me. It hurts. If I ask them to do anything around the house, I’m the worst mother. When I say, ‘Please put your dirty clothes in the clothes basket,’ they reply, ‘Why do I have to do it?’ They take so much and give nothing back.”

Our hearts go out to her. She has her hands full with three boys at these ages. Every parent can relate with her plight and problems.

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But I want you to notice something.

She says nothing about her use of Respect-Talk. She asks no questions about how to begin using Respect-Talk, or how to better use Respect-Talk.

Mom is mum.

Instead, she describes the disrespect she felt from her boys. This is about her sons’ misbehavior. She rivets on what her boys do that is unacceptable and hurtful.

She does not ask, “Is there a way I can approach them with Respect-Talk that will motivate, influence, and energize them to respond to my requests?”

This is what researchers refer to as the female’s tendency toward chronic complaints and criticisms. For some women, they feel better after venting. They take advantage of such moments to solicit empathy, not solve problems.

This mom should have been full of questions about how to apply Respect-Talk to her boys, especially when she felt ignored. The fact that she turned a deaf ear to the topic of respect evidences she has closed herself off to the very counsel that would help her.

By way of analogy, suppose we contacted fathers. “If you have applied Love-Talk to your daughter, please e-mail us and share specifically what you said or did and how your daughter responded.”

Imagine if a divorced dad wrote back, “I have 3 girls (16, 15, and 11) who live with their mother. But when they visit me, they are argumentative when I ask them to do stuff around the house. When I say, ‘Please clean up the mess in your rooms, they totally ignore me, and when I get on them, they tell me I am the worst parent on the planet. When they want something, I try to get it for them but after they receive it they don’t thank me. They ignore me. It hurts. They take so much and give nothing back.”

As painful as this is for dad, he says nothing about how he was actively applying Love-Talk to his daughters. Consequently, it leaves one wondering why he completely ignored telling us about how he applied Love-Talk. That was the simple assignment!

Is he indirectly rejecting our message by describing how unresponsive his daughters are in order to tell us that he is an exception to this love message? Is he succumbing to a victim attitude?

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Why would he not even ask, “How do I apply Love-Talk to three ungrateful and lazy girls?”

Such a dad is not dumb for not responding to the assignment. Instead, he rejects the idea that it applies to him.

The same with the mother above.

In all probability she is sending this message: “I am an exception to this Respect-Talk stuff. You don’t know my boys and what I am up against. So, I am writing to let you know some situations are beyond this message you are teaching. There is no way Respect-Talk would work with my three ungrateful and lazy boys.”

Bottom line, she isn’t thinking about how to solve her problems. She is only thinking about broadcasting her problems. She has resorted to the role of complainer.

Furthermore, my experience tells me that were we to live in her home for a week we’d quickly observe the toxic amounts of disrespect she displays. A public complainer complains in the home. As we talk to her about this, we’d hear her say, “I have no other way to get them to do the minimum of stuff than to use my disrespect. I have a tongue and I use it on my boys. It seems to work during the moment. They semi-clean up stuff, get dressed for school, and come to breakfast. But I have to stay mad and ugly.”

She would rationalize (rational lies!) this reaction. Because she loves, she must use disrespect to motivate the boys to do what they are supposed to do.

Besides, she thinks she has tried being nice, and nice doesn’t work with her boys, which is how she defines respect. This is why she never asks, “How do I apply this Respect-Talk to three boys? We agree that adolescent boys need to grow up! No one debates this. What we are riveting on is mom’s actions and reactions to her boys’ immaturity and disobedience. She needs to utilize a different strategy to solve her problems, given she really wants to solve her problems with solutions that work long term.

Does this sound uncharitable to say that she’d rather complain about her problems with their sons than solve those problems?

I hope not. I care about her plight and problems. But Respect-Talk is the solution to her problem. It is the way through this chaotic season. Respect-Talk can accomplish every bit of what she finds successful with her disrespect, and far more.

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A mom who cares about her sons will not allow her complaining spirit to get the better of her.

Instead, she will march forth as a woman of dignity. She will use the language we set forth in Mother & Son. There is a game plan here that works, and there are no exceptions.

21 Days of Inspiration DAY ELEVEN

How do I show respect when I don’t feel respect?

The definition of respect is the showing of positive regard toward your son no matter what.

This is not showing positive regard toward his lying, stealing, or cheating. Instead, this is talking respectfully to the spirit of your son about his behaviors that are not respectable.

No mother will feel respect on the heels of her son’s unrespectable failings. Because she feels disrespect on the heels of his lying, stealing, and cheating, she need not conclude that she has no other choice than to show these feelings with disrespectful looks and words. A mother can display a respectful attitude and use respectful words while feeling disrespect within herself. She can respectfully confront her son’s unrespectable conduct. This is what it means to be an adult.

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We error in our thinking when we conclude that because a boy’s actions and attitudes are not deserving of respect that he is deserving of contempt. Contempt toward a boy does not motivate him to become a loving soul.

The struggle is that the culture declares that respect must be earned and the logical conclusion is that if the other person has not earned the respect that person does not deserve the respect.

In the minds of most people, this logic justifies a contemptuous attitude. “If you don’t show me respect, I won’t show you respect.”

By way of analogy, when a daughter is unlovable should a dad be unloving to correct her? Or, should he—in his demeanor—lovingly address those unlovable attitudes? Though her misbehavior does not ignite fond feelings of affection in dad, especially when she verbally attacks him, is he to show a positive, loving regard toward her deepest soul in spite of her? The answer is yes. This is unconditional love. There is no condition that a daughter creates that can or should get dad to stop being a loving person in his demeanor. At the same time, he lovingly disciplines his daughter. Unconditional love does not give the daughter license to continue being unlovable. She needs to grow up.

In a similar way, when a son is unrespectable should a mom be disrespectful to correct him?

Or, should she—in her demeanor—respectfully address those unrespectable attitudes?

Though his misbehavior does not ignite fond feelings of adoration in mom, especially when he verbally attacks her, she is not to succumb to his level. In her mind and heart, she must confront his disobedience by having a positive regard toward his spirit.

Yes, she can be spitting mad at his misconduct, but she must convey in her eyes her belief in him and her positive regard toward his inner man.

A mother can separate feelings of disrespect for her son’s disobedience from manifesting an attitude of respect toward his heart while correcting him. She can control her feelings while dealing respectfully with her son.

Catching my eye was the title of a book for police and law enforcement: Unleashing the Power of Unconditional Respect. The point the authors make is that respect is given to everyone because they are a person. It has nothing to do with how the officer feels about the other person but how the policeman treats the other person. Not only is it the right

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thing to do, they have found that it makes the officer safer, able to respond better and wiser in fast-developing situations, better suited to defuse the tension, and able to turn threatening situations to their advantage in doing what is right.

We all know that criminal conduct is troubling and unacceptable, but effective enforcers of the law do not lose power and influence by maintaining unconditional respect. They unleash power!

As a mother, you do not lose your authority when you act with respect. Unconditional respect unleashes maternal power!

21 Days of Inspiration DAY TWELVE

What if my boy isn’t responding to my respect?

Do not assume that he is not responding.

He has an inner world and it is very imaginative and revolves around this type of question: Is there an adventure for me to enter, and do I have what it takes to be a man of honor and value in that world?

He won’t use these terms as a little boy, but those feelings reside in him like a little girl has strong feelings as she nurtures a baby but doesn’t know the word nurture.

When you enter his daydreaming world with Respect-Talk, it touches some of the deepest aspects of his inner being.

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However, because he does not respond like you or your daughter, you could conclude Respect-Talk doesn’t register with him. However, just because he is un-talkative does not mean he is unaware or unappreciative.

Researchers have described women as expressive-responsive. They express their feelings and are responsive to feelings, especially when deeply touched in their hearts. Watch women in a group after they have heard a romantic story about a wife who lost her husband in war only to discover he has been in captivity and now stands in the adjacent room having been brought home to surprise her. Every woman is crying as she watches this wife run into the arms of her resurrected husband.

Men and boys tend to be less expressive-responsive. Because of this, it is natural for a mother (and wife) to conclude that the males are indifferent and unresponsive.

He is not inattentive. He just listens for a different message. He is all ears to Respect-Talk and will want to hear more.

But do know that when you speak the language of respect, you will not hear your son respond, “Thank you, Mother, for honoring me with this Respect-Talk. Your words have ignited fond feelings of love and affection for you. Want to talk? Today, I prefer talking with you heart to heart than going out to play.”

Boys do not express and respond like this.

Do not conclude that Respect-Talk is ineffective because he does not respond like a girl would.

A boy will respond but be quieter. A mom must control her expectations about this triggering in him a desire to talk about his inmost feelings. Do not expect him to respond in the ways that you find meaningful. Instead, look at how your words of respect can be meaningful and energizing to him.

For your encouragement, I predict you’ll find him to be less negative when you instruct him. You will notice his spirit soften more often and be more respectful toward you.

This is no formula any more than when a dad is loving and affirming of his teen daughter who just found out the boy toward whom she had a crush just told another girl that he liked her. Dad’s love won’t immediately eliminate her stress. But over the months and

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years, she will value her father’s love and be a better and more secure person because of his love.

So, too, a mother must not apply Respect-Talk to get her son to be nice and obey her, especially when he melts down over a failed science experiment that demands he start over. Mom’s language of respect won’t curtail his upset. But over the months and years her respect will motivate him to be a better person and more secure within himself.

What I want you to do is look for positive responses coming from him, albeit they are not attention grabbing. For example, given you have been applying the message of Mother &

Son, look closely and notice that instead of complaining about making his bed, which you told him to do, he does not complain. Unfortunately, you may not notice the lack of complaint because he should not complain in the first place so his lack of complaint goes unrecognized. And, you especially miss all of this when he ends up forgetting to make the bed due to the dog distracting him when chewing on his baseball glove. After he leaves, you see the unmade bed and feel nothing but annoyance. Truth is, your Respect-Talk softened his spirit. Though he’s irresponsible due to getting distracted, his spirit toward you actually remained tender, which is why he did not complain when you told him to make his bed. That’s an enormous response in the scheme of things.

In this instance I say to a mother, “Instead of looking for Respect-Talk to turn him into an obedient boy who follows through on everything, like making his bed, please notice that your Respect-Talk affected his spirit to complain less. You may find the lack of complaint minuscule, but I do not find it insignificant.”

Bottom line, do not conclude he is unresponsive but that he is not responding as you expect. When you look closely into his male heart, you will see him making a responsive gesture to your Respect-Talk. He’ll send you a message that he appreciates what you’re doing, but you must pause long enough in order to notice. One boy was sending a positive message in response to his mom’s respect by not complaining. Yet, his mother e-mailed me saying, “Why is this respect stuff not working with my boy?”

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY THIRTEEN

Does his play give me a clue into his soul?

Though boys are responsive to Love-Talk in the early years, and he still needs Love-Talk when he gets older, a metamorphosis takes place in every boy as he ages. You will see him, like all men, turning his head toward images of brave men of honor. Honor appeals to him like a bear to honey.

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Something in their DNA ignites around honor and respect.

For example, in watching a group of Navy SEALs perform a spectacular feat as a band of brothers who “leave no one behind,” every man I have talked to finds inspiration from this honor code.

When I share that I spoke to SEAL Team Ten, every man in the room turns their head with keen interest and draws close to hear more. Men love honor, unless they have gone to the dark side; but even within the dark side, they live by honor among themselves.

This is why men who lead other men appeal repeatedly to their sense of honor. An honor code dwells in the masculine heart just as the nurturing nature lives within the feminine heart. It’s there by God.

Some mothers are so consumed with love they totally ignore this male culture. When they do acknowledge things like sports and military that men find appealing, these women see such things as interests to make allowance for when men are with men but which is not all that relevant to what matters to her.

Is this not why a boy enters an imaginary world with toy Navy SEALs? His bent is in that direction. The toy industry knows the selling of such toys is anathema to the politically correct, but as a business they know what boys value. The PC crowd projects a violent nature onto boys who love weapons, but that falsely represents boys. Boys dream of mission, duty, strength, shrewdness, friendship, and honor.

Watch your boy play. Ask him what he is thinking when he is playing. Listen carefully to what he says.

Honor him as a pretend fireman who rescues the person from his imaginary fire.

Honor him as he drives his police car to the scene of the crime to protect the innocent from the bad guy.

Honor him as he accomplishes a feat of jumping his matchbox car between two cliffs.

Honor him as he fights the enemy determined to do harm to his fort and village.

Honor him as he watches a documentary on the Navy SEALs.

Honor him for wanting to be strong enough to take on the bully.

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY FOURTEEN

What if my son does not have self-respect?

There will be seasons when your son does not like who he sees in the mirror.

This is all the more reason to stay the course on Respect-Talk. Continue in the direction I promote even though your son seems to counter every word.

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By way of comparison, what if a dad asked, “What if my daughter does not have self-love?” What would you say to him if he meant, “My love isn’t working since she does not have any self-love and therefore won’t receive my love”?

Mothers would be stunned at a dad’s foolishness. Of course his love is working; he just doesn’t see it.

Yet, there are some mothers who have concluded, “I can’t do this Respect stuff since my boy has no self-respect. He rejects me when I say that I am proud of him. He angrily says, ‘No one can be proud of me!’”

These moms do not bat an eye in saying the application of Respect-Talk is going nowhere.

However, a mother’s positive regard toward the spirit of her son no matter what he does and no matter how he feels about himself is foundational in helping a boy develop a healthy self-image and sense of self-worth. Eventually such a boy thinks, If Mom believes in me and feels about me this way then maybe I have value. Maybe I ought to show myself more respect in light of Mom’s attitude toward me.

I am referring not to flattery but to honest words of affirmation.

For instance, think about your son’s character qualities related to C.H.A.I.R.S. When he is diligent in his work (Conquest), brave in his protection (Hierarchy), humble in his strength (Authority), reasonable when offering his input (Insight), loyal in his friendship (Relationship), and self-controlled related to his sexual interest (Sexuality), tell him that you respect these character qualities in him.

Part of the challenge is in helping him distinguish his performance from his person.

Our respect message must be this: “When you fail, you are not a failure as a person. When you do something bad, that does not mean you are a bad person. When you behave in a way that is unworthy, that does not turn you into an unworthy person. Your behavior affects how you see yourself, but your actions are separate from your deepest self. You are struggling with what all of us struggle with at one time or another.”

In distinguishing your son’s deepest identity from his performance, think about what Jesus told three of His followers who failed Him: “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Mark 14:38). Jesus separated who they were from how they behaved. He honored their deepest heart in the face of their outer failings.

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The respect message from moms must remain constant in spite of a boy’s lack of self-respect. In fact, as he voices his own lack of self-respect, often he does so for mom to counter his negativity. That’s part of his subconscious strategy in the same way a daughter tells her dad, “Nobody could love me.”

But be warned: with some boys when you counter their self-contempt, they will argue that you don’t know what you are talking about. No mother ought to buy into her son’s denouncement of her Respect-Talk. I tell moms, “Just exit the room. Don’t engage him. He is mouthing off. When you leave, your words will harpoon his heart. They will penetrate his soul and stay lodged there. Stay the course of using Respect-Talk and see it as vital in the face of his dislike of himself. Respect-Talk works; it just isn’t acknowledged by a boy struggling with himself.”

Let me add a couple of other thoughts.

That your son lacks self-respect over certain transgressions evidences a strong conscience and moral code. You can honor him for this. Sometimes we fail to miss the obvious, and we need to be the ones to point this out to the person struggling with themselves. For instance, over the years people would come to me because I pastored a church. They’d make confession saying, “I am the worst sinner and God cannot accept me.” I halted them right there. I replied, “If it were true that you were the worst of sinners, you’d not be sitting here telling me about how awful you feel about being so awful. Such a sinner would be out partying, not sitting here talking to a pastor. Truth is you have failed, but you have a good conscience and strong moral code, which is why you’re here; you just don’t see it.”

That your son lacks self-respect due to failing to work and achieve, analyze and counsel, be strong and decisive, or other factors along the C.H.A.I.R.S. acronym that I explained in Mother & Son, means that he is struggling with his manhood. It is comparable to a mother condemning herself as the worst mother on the planet as she sees her inadequacies as a mom. But we all know she’s a great mom with virtuous desires.

As for your son, use Respect-Talk to remind him that he feels this way because he has these strong desires within himself to be the man he believes God designed him to be. Though circumstances or lack of skill and knowledge make it tough, tell him you want him to hear from you that you believe in those deep desires that reside within his soul. Tell him that you respect him and those desires. Challenge him not to move into self-disdain simply because his desires have not yet come to fruition.

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY FIFTEEN

Why has my husband not told me of my son’s need for respect?

Perhaps your husband has tried to tell you about how you need to respond more respectfully toward your boy, but for several reasons he hesitates in trying again to tell you.

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One, a husband may refrain from giving voice to his wife about her disrespect because earlier he tried and it was not received well by mom. She felt offended by this man who does far less than she does with their son, and, in her opinion he really has no right to tell her that she’s disrespectful toward their son.

In effect, she taped his mouth shut.

Unfortunately from his vantage point, his assessment of her mothering on this point of her disrespect ignites a conversation between them that quickly turns heated. She finds herself appalled that he’d speak into her mothering what he observes as negative while never hinting at the good things she does, nor readily acknowledging his lack of love for their son. She blurts out, “Maybe I could hear your accusations if I heard a few affirmations and more confessions!”

Having gone through this conversation several times with her, he decides it is better to stay silent.

Though a woman ultimately receives her husband’s wise input, her initial reaction is so negative it isn’t worth it to him to drive home his concern. She appears more provoked and hurt by his comments to her than their son’s response to her disrespect. Besides, he recognizes that after she vents at her boy, she will soon enough be appeasing him. The husband decides to leave well enough alone.

Two, in the past when he humbly complained, “You are being disrespectful toward me,” she snapped back, “Respect is earned! You do not deserve my respect.”

He knows she’ll argue the same about her son. “He needs to earn my respect, and more so needs to show me respect!” The husband just gives up engaging this topic. Though he recognizes the treatment of their son is outside the bounds of acceptable behavior man to man, he stops himself from saying, “Your disrespect toward our son is beyond the pale.” He backs away since he has concluded that she dismisses this need in men as egotistical. Since he finds himself faltering on how to justify this need in light of her retort that respect must be earned, he feels muted. Eventually, any such conversation becomes pointless to him.

Three, another reason surfaces why he remains a hushed husband. Both the husband and the boy know mom is virtuous and gives voice to her upset because she cares and feels exhausted from all the caring. Why personalize her disrespect in light of all her love? Both

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men and boys exercise real discernment here. They personalize less as they give mom the benefit of the doubt.

But does that mean her boy is indifferent to her disrespect? No, as I make this case in Mother

& Son, though he does not see mom as bad, he wonders if mom sees him as bad.

I would revisit this topic with your husband. Let him know that you are desirous of his input. Reassure him that you will not shut him down when he broaches the subject nor will you want to talk endlessly about why he feels this way. Keep your focus on your son’s need and assume your husband shares to honor both you and your boy. Maintain that perspective.

21 Days of Inspiration DAY SIXTEEN

In what ways can my husband help me interpret my son?

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Many moms complain about their husbands not being engaged in the parenting process. Often, though, the men feel inadequate compared to the mother’s abilities, especially in the early years. Added to this, moms usually turn to other mothers for input (Titus 2:4). This leaves many dads feeling like second fiddle.

However, when she sees him as a great resource on this respect topic, he could very well join in the parenting process more than usual. This honors him and he feels more like a co-laborer rather than a hired hand to do her bidding when she needs him.

As we said in our earlier set of comments, mom needs to ask for his input and not allow herself to be too quickly hurt if he mouths something that appears insensitive. She needs to give him permission to speak into this, otherwise he’ll remain somewhat silent. He will focus on work or other tasks, or just watch TV.

I do not justify his silence, but in some marriages it is understandable in that he fears her negative reaction.

But moving forward positively, when wondering about how to better relate to their son, why not ask dad for wisdom? Just because dads are all elbows in the infant years and feel clueless about handling a baby, does not mean they remain clueless as the toddler becomes more of a boy.

A mother e-mailed me, “Another thing I’ve struggled with in relating to Josiah is, what do I do when he wants me to play with him? I’ve tried zooming his matchbox cars around with him, driving his tractors through the dirt, and filling his dump truck up with gravel, but he kept saying, ‘No, Mommy. Don’t do that.’ I was left feeling really frustrated. I wanted to respond to his sweet, ‘Come play with me, Mommy,’ but he clearly didn’t appreciate how I played. Again, it was my husband who explained another concept from your book. Boys like shoulder-to-shoulder time together. I was flabbergasted. You mean he just wants me to sit there beside him, not do anything, and he calls that ‘playing’ with him? This concept truly blew my mind. (I hadn’t read that chapter in your book yet.) And yet, that’s precisely what he wants! I know, I’ve tried it.”

A dad is not inept on this topic. However, when mom holds on to the notion that dad is inadequate, she ends up losing a key resource in better interpreting her son.

One mother e-mailed me about her husband, “He has also helped me understand what my son was saying to me when my pink lenses couldn’t fathom it.”

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Ask your husband to help you interpret your boy. Yes, ask him to be tender when offering his insights, but let him know you value his wisdom.

Do not be discouraged when he replies, “I have no idea.” Don’t argue with him. Let your invitation sit with him for a while. He’ll be sharing his ideas soon enough. Men have very good hunches about their boys and we need that astuteness put back onto the parenting radar screen.

21 Days of Inspiration DAY SEVENTEEN

How do I invite my husband to instruct my son to show respect?

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God commands children to honor their fathers and mothers (Exodus 20:12). As a mother, you need your son’s respect, and dad is in a primary role to help bring that to pass.

Let me remind us that when I contend that a mother ought to treat her son with respect, I am not arguing against her son respecting her. I devoted a whole book to this topic. Please read Love and Respect in the Family. There I make the case to parents about how to motivate their children to show respect during conflict and everyday living.

So, how does mom enlist the support of her husband to motivate their boy to show mom respect?

The beautiful thing about inviting one’s husband to instruct a son to show respect toward mom is that he will generally respond to that invitation given he feels his wife displays respect toward him and her son. Her credibility as a woman, wife, and mother compels him to serve her. Most men champion this cause.

I cannot guarantee this. My own dad distanced himself from my mom and me. He stayed disengaged. Nor am I holding the mother responsible by proposing that she be respectful to get respect. I am not putting that onus on her.

What I will hold firm to is that when mom shows disrespect to dad and son, she loses her moral authority to request of dad to impel her son to show respect to her. I do not believe it is unfair of me to tell moms that they have a duty to avoid appearing disrespectful in a habitual sense. If so, she violates the honor code among men and loses her influence when making an appeal to dad to defend her.

Truth is, most dads will tell boys to show respect even if mom is disrespectful, but this certainly puts dad in a bind. The son is certain to say, “Well, Mom talks disrespectfully to me.” Dad will no doubt reply, “It makes no difference. Mom is your parent and she loves you and takes care of you. There is no excuse to show her disrespect.” But this dad does not feel persuasive. Mom’s hypocrisy undermines dad’s authority. Though dad must still require his son to honor his mother, mom makes this an uphill climb.

This is why Respect-Talk is so powerful. When mom displays toward her boy what she asks her husband demand of their boy, in general it works beautifully. Oh, there are many bouts where the boy sasses, but on the whole a boy falls in line with dad’s expectations. A father does not tolerate a son who disrespects his mother who loves him dearly and treats him respectfully. This boy is violating the honor code among men, and his dad lets him know it.

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What if a mom models respect but dad and the son fail to reciprocate?

When a wife and mother lives this way, she brings the men under conviction. As I say, “She is a better man than they are, and they know it.”

When she lives this way and then asks her husband to instruct their boy to show mom respect, most every dad will start moving in a more favorable direction toward mom. It won’t be instantaneous, particularly if mom has more recently begun this journey herself. But she has earned the right to make this appeal.

Given there is goodwill in the family, things will turn around relatively rapidly. This language works among men. It may not sound kosher to wives and mothers, but it speaks loud and clear to males.

21 Days of Inspiration DAY EIGHTEEN

Do my disrespectful feelings toward my husband hurt the way I parent my son?

Let me answer that question by asking a question. What if a husband e-mailed me, “What about my unloving feelings toward my wife—will that hurt the way I parent my daughter?”

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Everyone knows that a daughter personalizes the way her dad treats her mother. She naturally wonders, Does my dad feel about me the way he feels about Mom? Since he does not love her unconditionally, will he love me unconditionally?

In a similar way, when you speak disrespectfully to your husband, your son will wonder if you feel the same about him. You can insist all day long that he ought not to feel that way, but might he? The difference between teen girls and teen boys is that girls will talk about these feelings with their mother, or someone else. Boys may think similar thoughts, but they are less likely to talk about them.

Consequently, the general belief is that a husband’s failure to display love toward his wife directly impacts their daughter, but it is not in the cultural psyche that a mother’s failure to display respect toward her husband negatively affects their son. They do not hear the boys sitting around talking about their feelings.

Too, because the culture espouses the notion that all respect must be earned and embraces the idea that it is hypocritical to show respect when one does not feel respect, some wives let loose on their husbands without giving much thought to the disadvantageous upshot on their boy.

This quote from one mother that I highlighted in Mother & Son bears repeating:

“My husband and I have three grown sons. For the first time I realize why they often reacted

so negatively when I disrespected their dad. As I look back at times of verbal disrespect

toward my husband, I now understand why my sons would at times visibly wince and come

angrily to his defense. They understood what I did not. Respect is vital to men. I hope you will

explain to the women at your conferences that a woman’s lack of respect toward her

husband has negative effects not only on him but on the other “men” in the house as well. I

am making a point of praising and respecting my husband in front of our sons, and all four

of them are standing taller!”

One wonders how many young men struggle with their masculinity because they have heard for years, “Men are jerks. Men are idiots. Men don’t get it. Men are slobs. Men don’t care. And, all of these apply to your dad.” How many times does a boy need to hear this, especially as a group of women sit around and indulge in male-bashing (which many women tell me is a problem among some groups of women) before serious self-doubt sets in about his manhood?

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By way of analogy, one wonders how many young women have given up on themselves and have pursued love in all the wrong places because she did not feel her dad loved her. But again, women give voice to the correlation between their behavior and their dad’s failure to love mom and her. Few boys say, “Oh, I am the way I am because my mom dissed my dad and me.” The men sitting around would reply, “Get over it.”

As for sons, as they age another factor enters in. Strong-willed boys justify their own disrespect toward mom based on mom’s disrespect toward dad. “You diss Dad and I’ll diss you in the same way. If he won’t protect himself against you, I will protect him, and me.” If a son sees mom’s reaction rooted not in her vulnerability to her husband but in her aggressive and controlling personality, then he’ll not defend mom against dad but treat mom the way mom treats dad. I will never endorse his decision to react this way, but I can explain what he’s doing.

I believe God reveals the truth of Ephesians 5:33 and 1 Peter 3:1–2, because when a wife clothes herself with respect, especially when dealing with those traits in her husband that are not loving or respectable, she indirectly protects the healthy development of her boy. She gives a gift to her son like a father gives a gift to his daughter when he loves his wife, even when she is not always lovable or respectful.

21 Days of Inspiration DAY NINETEEN

What if my husband isn’t loving or respectful?

Some moms carry the weight of the family, and my heart goes out to them.

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For many years my own mom lived separately from my dad who had a rage problem. Dad did not love Mom in the ways that were meaningful to her, and he certainly treated her in disrespectful ways that pushed her away.

What did my mom do?

Years later I realized two things.

One, she did not voice her feelings of disrespect toward my dad in front of me. I do not recall a single incident where she expressed contempt. Scorn never came out of her, though she could have given vent to this. And let me add, she was not milquetoast. She started several small businesses and displayed a personality that all loved. It seemed that everyone she met became her friend. I say this because Mom did not refrain from disdain out of fear but from a wisdom that recognized disparaging my dad in front of me would not accomplish anything healthy.

Two, she did not retaliate against my dad, and men in general, by showing disrespect toward me. My mom almost always displayed an attitude of respect and liking toward me even when disciplining me. I am thankful that my mom did not let the pain of her marriage spill over onto punishment of me for being a male like my dad. For some moms the son represents the dad so mom takes out her resentment on the boy. We hear her consternation as she exclaims, “You’re just like your father.” I know I annoyed my mom because scenes linger in my memory of moments when she expressed her frustrations. But she did not cross the line into rudeness, name-calling, or looks of disgust. She knew that would only exasperate and provoke me (Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21), not motivate and change me for the better.

If you are a mom who is feeling unloved and disrespected in the family, the idea of using Respect-Talk toward your boy, and even your husband (Ephesians 5:33; 1 Peter 3:1–2), appears counterintuitive and ill advised, if not idiotic. However, I hope to encourage you to do the loving and respectful thing though family members do not. Do not let their failings keep you from succeeding at being the loving woman who puts on respect toward those who do not deserve the respect because she knows this to be God’s call on her life. God’s will done God’s way generally proves the most influential course in the long-run.

Maybe someday your son will write a book about mothers and sons.

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY TWENTY

Will an uncontrolled outburst of disrespect ruin the relationship with my son?

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In an article titled “The Communication of Respect as a Significant Dimension of Cross-Cultural Communication Competence,” we read, “it isn’t a single instance of disrespectful communication that damages a relationship, but instead a ‘constellation of interactional features’ in cultural practices which communicate disrespect.”[1]

In other words, there needs to be a pattern of disrespect in various ways, like the habitual disdainful look, the constant verbal put-down, or ongoing favoritism toward another child.

Disrespect must be the norm.

I bring this up because three of your strengths can be your undoing. By that I mean, your honesty, humility, and self-judgment can cripple you emotionally. In reading Mother & Son, which addresses the vital importance of mom’s using Respect-Talk, you can honestly fixate on your failings. Then, due to your humility, you do not justify yourself and blame your son. Instead, you move into self-judgment and self-deprecation.

You then erroneously conclude that you have ruined your son and your relationship with your son.

All of this thinking makes a major blunder.

Your periodic failings (i.e., the outbursts of disrespect) are not a pattern. These outbursts, which cannot be sanctioned, do not constitute proof that you are a toxic mother.

If you draw this conclusion, you will give up on yourself and quit rebounding.

Instead of getting back up after falling, they think, What’s the use? For some, defeat defeats them! But because we fail every so often does not mean we are failures. The absence of perfect success does not make us failures. 1

My daughter Joy endorsed my parenting book, Love and Respect in the Family, by participating in a video promoting the book. In that she speaks strongly to parents, “Give yourself some grace.”

I echo her sacred tip. “These isolated instances of disrespect do not damage your boy. Give yourself some grace.”

1 www.academia.edu/1125125/The_Communication_of_Respect_as_a_Significant_Dimension_of_Cross-Cultural_Communication_Competence.

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21 Days of Inspiration DAY TWENTY ONE

I fear being disrespectful without knowing it. What should I do?

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After reading Mother & Son: The Respect Effect you need not live in fear of not knowing when you are being disrespectful. You will pick up on the disrespect quite quickly. You will not have your head in the sand like an ostrich.

But there is an exception.

When a mother cares deeply for her boy—more than she does her own life—she can be inattentive to her loving reaction.

Yes, you read that correctly: “inattentive to her loving reaction.”

By that I mean her love can drive her to be in her son’s face for his sake. Her motives are altruistic. She cares deeply about him doing what is right and maturing. However, what feels loving to her can feel disrespectful to him and she doesn’t see it. He feels her deepest message is, “You are inadequate and I don’t respect you as a person because of it. There is something wrong in you and with you, which is why I am so upset with you.”

He doesn’t hear the love. He hears the disrespect.

He won’t articulate his feelings, at least not very well; but even if he were to say he felt like she didn’t like him, she’d reiterate her love for him and he ought not to feel disrespected, though honestly she doesn’t feel respect for him right now.

He will go silent in response.

What does mom not see? As we have pointed out and reiterate here, a mother’s face turns sour, she rolls her eyes, she puts her hand on her hip and points her scolding finger with her other hand, she sighs, she rolls her head, she speaks in a high shrill voice, and when estrogen kicks in her word choice of contempt comes to mind and out of her mouth.

She manifests these qualities when upset with him over his disobedience. She aggressively moves at him for his sake with a message of correction. However, we are highlighting that a mother may not be conscious of how she appears disrespectful to him. Because her mother-love propels her to come at him, she is oblivious to all of these gestures feeling disrespectful to him.

Although every mom would acknowledge that she could be a bit more cool, calm, and collected, the fact remains she cares too much to think about her shortcomings in the face

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of his disobedience. She is the mother hen here. Her chick is out of line. If she is overreacting, so be it. She will do what she needs to do to instill in him what he needs to learn.

But here is where mom must check herself. Even though love dominates a mother’s thinking, she can be unconscious of the disrespect.

Unfortunately, where she sees her disrespect, she downplays it. To her, the loving motive and love end justify the disrespectful means. Because she cares about her boy’s obedience, she turns a blind eye and deaf ear to her disrespectful reactions. She suppresses this side of the equation.

But as we broadcast, Respect-Talk is fundamental to carrying her message of love. Respectfully confronting his disobedience ensures that he hears the message of love. A mom needs to lock into what I am sharing because it reflects her deepest mothering values. Respect-Talk best ensures that he will hear her deepest heart and concern.

I recommend asking God to keep her aware of what she tends to remain unconscious about: a loving reaction that appears way too disrespectful. A prayer to echo is found in the Psalms. “Search me, God. . . . See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (139:23–24 niv).

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