Effective Mentoring 7-13-12

7/30/2019 Effective Mentoring 7-13-12

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Effective Mentoring

Jeanette Nadonley, DC, BA

Connections Program

July 13, 2012


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Effective Mentoring

What is a successful mentoringrelationship?

What are the qualities of an effectivementor?

What strategies do mentors use to

engage and connect with youth? These questions are at the heart of all

mentoring relationships.


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Effective Mentoring

Why were some relationships doing so well whileothers had come apart?

The key reasons had to do with the expectationsand approach of the mentor. Most of the mentors

in the relationships that failed had a belief thatthey should, and could, reform their mentee.These mentors, even at the very beginning of thematch, spent at least some of their time togetherpushing the mentee to change. Almost all the

mentors in the successful relationships believedthat their role was to support the youth, to helphim or her grow and develop. They sawthemselves as a friend.


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Effective Mentoring

Those successful mentors understoodthat positive changes in the lives ofyoung people do not happen quickly orautomatically. If they are to happen atall, the mentor and youth must meetlong enough and often enough to build arelationship that helps the youth feel

supported and safe, develop self-confidence and self-esteem, and seenew possibilities in life.


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Effective Mentoring

Those mentors knew they had to:

Take the time to build therelationship

Become a trusted friend

Always maintain that trust


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Effective Mentoring

While establishing a friendship may soundeasy, it often is not. Adults and youth areseparated by age and, in many cases, bybackground and culture.

Even mentors with good instincts canstumble or be blocked by difficulties thatarise from these differences.

It takes time for youth to feel comfortablejust talking to their mentor, and longer stillbefore they feel comfortable enough toshare a confidence.


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10 Important Features of SuccessfulMentors Attitudes and Styles

What are the qualities of an effective mentor?

1. Be a friend. 2. Have realistic goals and expectations. 3. Have fun together.

4. Give your mentee voice and choice in deciding onactivities. 5. Be positive. 6. Let your mentee have much of the control over

what the two of you talk aboutand how you talkabout it.

7. Listen.

8. Respect the trust your mentee places in you. 9. Remember that your relationship is with the youth,

not the youths parent. 10. Remember that you are responsible for building

the relationship.


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Be a Friend

The reality is that mentors have a uniquerole in the lives of children and youth.

They are like an ideal older sister orbrother someone who is a role modeland can provide support and gentleguidance.

They are also like a peer, because they

enjoy having fun with their mentee. But they arent exactly either of these.


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Be a Friend

Sometimes it seems easier to talk aboutwhat mentors are by describing what theyshould not be:

Dont act like a parent. Dont try to be an authority figure. Dont preach about values.

DO focus on establishing a bond, a feelingof attachment, a sense of equality, and themutual enjoyment of shared time.


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Have Realistic Goalsand Expectations

Strong mentoring relationships do leadto positive changes in youth. These

changes tend to occur indirectly, as aresult of the close and trustingrelationship, and they often occur slowlyover time.

Mentoring may be more like the slowaccumulation of pebbles that sets off anavalanche than the baseball bat thatpropels a ball from the stadium.


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Have Realistic Goalsand Expectations

Focus on the whole person and his orher overall development. Do notfocus narrowly on performance and

change. Especially early on, center your goals

on the relationship itself.

Throughout the relationship,emphasize friendship overperformance.


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Have Fun Together

It is important to remember that fun is nottrivial for youth. Having fun and sharing itwith an attentive adult carries a great

weight and a meaning beyond arecreational outlet. It is a chance to blowoff steam, or an opportunity to play.

There are a number of reasons why you

should focus on participating in activitieswith your mentee that are fun for both ofyou.


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Have Fun Together

Many youth involved in mentoring

programs have few opportunities forfun.Having fun breaks monotony,provides time away from a tensehome situation, or introduces them to

experiences they would not otherwisehave.


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Have Fun Together

Having fun together shows your menteethat you are reliable and committed.

Youth see the adults interest in sharing funas a sign that the mentor cares aboutthem. They experience a growing sense ofself-worth when their adult partner not only

pays persistent, positive attention to them,but also willingly joins them in activities theyouth describe as fun.


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Have Fun Together

Focusing on fun activities early in therelationship can lead to more seriousactivities later.

Remember, it is always possible to weaveeducational momentsreal-life learninginto most fun activities. This is the kind of

learning that youth tend to enjoyit islearning with an immediate purpose and animmediate payoffand they often donteven realize that they are learning.


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Give your Mentee a Voice andChoice in Deciding on Activities

Be sure that your mentee is a partner in the processof deciding what activities you will do together. Givingyour mentee a voice and choice about activities will:

Help build your friendship: It demonstrates that youvalue your mentees ideas and input and that youcare about and respect her or him.

Help your mentee develop decision-making andnegotiation skills.

Help avoid the possibility that you will impose its-

good-for you activitieslike homework sessionsonyour mentee without her or his agreement. This kindof imposition may make you seem more like a teacheror parent than a friend.


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It might seem like it would be relatively easy to include yourmentee in the decision-making process, but often it is not.Mentees might be reserved about suggesting activitiesbecause:

They dont want to seem rude.

A girl speaks about her belief that she should agree toeverything: Well, I never have said where I want to go. Shemakes plans for the day, and she asks if I want to go there. Icant say no because I think that would be sort of rude tosay, No, I dont want to go there.

It really is difficult for them to come up with ideas. Manyyouth in mentoring programs have had little opportunity totravel outside their neighborhoods and so do not know whatthe possibilities might be.


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If it is difficult for your mentee to request activities or voicepreferences, you can use these approaches to make it easier:

Give a range of choices concerning possible activities. Besure the choices are youth-focusedbe sure your mentee willenjoy the activities.

Create an idea file together. One good activity to dotogether is to make a list of activities you would like to do inthe future. You can write the list on a piece of paper (or on acomputer and then print it out), or use index cards and writeone idea on each card. This is a great strategy because the list

or file will help both of you when you are looking for ideasabout activities you can do together. Making an idea filetogether is also an important symbolic actit reminds menteesthat you care about their preferences and value their input.


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Listen. You can learn a lot about what might captureyour mentees interest.

Emphasize to your mentee that her or hisenjoyment is important to you. If your mentee isextremely quiet and you feel as though you have to playthe lead role in choosing activities, you can let him orher know you want the activities to be fun.


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A potential challenge:

Once young people are comfortable enough torequest activities, they might make requests

that are extravagant, such as frequent trips toamusement parks and adventure centers theyhave seen advertised on television or heardabout from their friends. Even more modestrequestsfor movies, video arcades, orrestaurantscan cost more than you arecomfortable paying, especially if the requestsare made week after week.


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To address this issue, you can:

Negotiate. Particularly as your relationship develops, you arelikely to find times when you and your mentee are negotiatingabout what activities you will do together. If you have a positiverelationship, one where the mentee feels secure in your friendship

and support, this negotiation can be a valued aspect of therelationship (particularly for teenagers) because it signals thepresence of equality between the two of you.

Feel comfortable about setting clear limits on the amount ofmoney you will spend. Extravagant requests are typical foryouth and especially understandable for youth from low-income

families or other disadvantaged circumstances. Take the requestsin stride. You can negotiate with your mentee until the two of youfind something that, while less costly, is still to the youths liking.Your mentee will understand and will appreciate that her or hisvoice is still a factor in deciding on activities.


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Be Positive

One of the most important things you cando as a mentor is to help your mentee

develop self-esteem and self-confidence. Offer frequent expressions of direct

confidence.

Be encouraging even when talking about

potentially troublesome topics, such asgrades.

Offer concrete assistance.


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Let Your Mentee Have Much of the Control OverWhat the Two of You Talk Aboutand How YouTalk About It

Along with doing enjoyable activitiestogether, listening and talking are at theheart of your relationship with yourmentee. The communication patterns youestablish early on will be key to therelationships development over time.

Take the time and effort necessary for yourmentee to develop trust in you. While you

know that your mentee should trust you,the reality is that you have to earn thetrust.


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Following these approaches canhelp you earn that trust:

Dont push.

Be sensitive and responsive to yourmentees cues.

Understand that young people vary intheir styles of communicating andtheir habits of disclosure.


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Be direct in letting your mentee know

that she or he can confide in youwithout fear of judgment or exposure.

Remember that the activities you dotogether can become a source of

conversation.


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Listen

Just listening gives mentees achance to vent and lets them know

that they can disclose personalmatters to you without worryingabout being criticized.

When you listen, your mentee cansee that you are a friend, not anauthority figure.


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Respect the Trust yourMentee Places in You

Respond in ways that show you seeyour mentees side of things.

Reassure your mentee that you willbe there for him or her.

If you give advice, give it sparingly.


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Respect the Trust yourMentee Places in You

If you give advice, be sure it is

focused on identifying solutions. If, on occasion, you feel you have to

convey concern or displeasure, do soin a way that also conveys

reassurance and acceptance. Sound like a friend, not like a parent.


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Remember That Your Relationship iswith the Youth, Not the Youths Parent

Maintain cordial but distant contactwith family members.

Keep your primary focus on theyouth.

Resist any efforts by the family toextract help beyond providing

friendship for the youth. Be nonjudgmental about the family.


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Remember that You are Responsiblefor Building the Relationship

Building a relationship cannot be rushed. During the earlyperiod, when you and your mentee are getting to know oneanother, you may have to be particularly patient andpersistent as you work to establish the foundation of ameaningful friendship, one that could ultimately help leadto positive changes in your mentees life. At first, therelationship might seem one-sidedyou might feel like youare putting out all the effort while your mentee seemspassive or indifferent. Remember that this is the time whenyoung people are going to be at their shyest and most

reticent, because they do not yet know you. It is also thetime when they may be testing you, because they couldhave limited reason to believe that adults can, in fact, bereliable and trustworthy.


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Remember that You are Responsiblefor Building the Relationship

Take responsibility for making and maintainingcontact.

Understand that the feedback and reassurancecharacteristics of adult-to-adult relationshipsare often beyond the capacity of youth.

Mentors should allow themselves to recognize

and appreciate the quiet moments that indicatethey are making a difference.


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Summary

Mentoring Best Practices Think of yourself as a learning facilitator rather than the personwith all the answers. Help your mentee find people and otherresources that go beyond your experience and wisdom on a topic.

Emphasize questions over advice giving. Use probes that helpyour mentee think more broadly and deeply. If he or she talks onlyabout facts, ask about feelings. If he or she focuses on feelings,ask him or her to review the facts. If he or she seems stuck in animmediate crisis, help him or her see the big picture.

When requested, share your own experiences, lessons learned,and advice. Emphasize how your experiences could be differentfrom his or her experiences and are merely examples. Limit yoururge to solve the problem for him or her.


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Summary

Resist the temptation to control the relationship and steer itsoutcomes; your mentee is responsible for his or her own growth.

Help your mentee see alternative interpretations and approaches.

Build your mentees confidence through supportive feedback.

Encourage, inspire, and challenge your mentee to achieve his or hergoals.

Help your mentee reflect on successful strategies he or she has usedin the past that could apply to new challenges.

Be spontaneous now and then. Beyond your planned conversations,call or e-mail out of the blue just to leave an encouraging word or

piece of new information. Reflect on your mentoring practice. Request feedback.

Enjoy the privilege of mentoring. Know that your efforts will likelyhave a significant impact on your mentees development as well asyour own.


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In Closing

Keep up the good work!

You are very appreciated by yourmentee and Catholic CharitiesConnections Program!

Dont rush the relationship, let itprogress at its on pace.

Enjoy your mentoring relationship!

Thank you, Thank You, Thank You!!!

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Effective Mentoring 7-13-12

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