-FEATURING-

the little hitlers

emmit

monster IN THE MANSION

issue #1DEC. 2010

E L K P R E S S

premiereissue

© Copyright 2009-2010 elk press

ERNEST j. RAMON(CREATOR/WRITER)

www.elkpress.wordpress.com

LEDA ZAWACKI(CREATOR/WRITER/ARTIST)

www.cupofstars.com

ARCHANGELO CRELENCIA(ARTIST)

www.photon-nmo.deviantart.com

THE DREAM NEVER CHANGES. IT’S THE SAME PLANET, THE SAME FACES. THE ANDERIES SPACE PORT, WE’RE

ALL THERE, JEFFERY, FERGUS, THE RED MISTRESS, YORIK…

…AND EMIT.

WE’RE ALL LAUGHING ABOUT SOMETHING.ENJOYING OURSELVES IMMENSELY AFTER A JOB WELL DONE,...

WE’D FIND THAT OLD BAR WE ALL KNEW SO WELL.

EMIT’S GHOSTstory: ERNEST ramon / LEDA ZAWACKI art: archangelo

...SOME DANGEROUS MERRY SPACE DEED.

…AND HAVE A ROWDY GOOD TIME.

…AND EMIT.

HE WAS THERE TOO. OFF IN THE CORNER SOMEWHERE ENJOYING A SMOKE AND OUR JOLLY TIMES FROM AFAR,...

YOU KNOW, HE USED TO BE THE RESERVED ONE OF US FOUR MICE.

...I REMEMBER, HE LOOKED SO SAD.

THAT OF COURSE WAS BEFORE FERGUS’ TRAGIC TIME TRAVELING MISHAP.

WE’VE GOT TO STOP THEM BEFORE THEY REACH THE RAPIER. IF THEY MAKE IT OFF THIS INSTALLATION AND INTO DEEP SPACE, WE’RE ALL DONE FOR. KIRK, GIVE ME

THE CHARGES WE FOUND IN THE LAB.

THOSE MUST BE THE HORRIBLE BLOODTHIRSTY MUTATION THINGS THE RED MISTRESS WAS TALKING ABOUT, YOU KNOW, RIGHT BEFORE SHE TOLD US NOT TO LEAVE THE SHIP.

THEN SUDDENLY AS IF THROWN INTO A NIGHTMARE WE’RE ALL BACK ON THE LUSITANIAN.

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE RUNNING FROM?!

MY BACK HURTS. I CAN’T RUN ANY

FURTHER.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?it’s kind of nuts!

I’LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

GET THEM BACK TO THE SHIP.

I’M JUST GOING TO SET THESE.

EMIT LOOK OUT!

AND WHEN WE HAD FINALLY MADE IT TO THE SHIP, AND CLEARED THE AIR LOCK, WE THOUGHT EMIT WAS GONE FOR GOOD, BUT I SAW HIM, THEN.

GET OUT OF HERE!

THE CHARGES HAD BEEN SET.

AND THEN I WAKE UP.

KA-BLAMMMM!

IT WAS JUST A DREAM.

AND WHEN I MENTION THE DREAM TO MY COMRADES...

HE HAD SOMEHOW BATTLED THROUGH THE MUTANT HORDE AND MADE IT ONTO THE SPACE DOCK. ONLY TO FIND IT EMPTY, THE RAPIER SHRINKING INTO THE DISTANCE UPON THE WHITE DWARF HORIZON. BUT IT WAS TOO LATE WE COULDN’T TURN BACK.

THE CHARGES HAD BEEN SET.

KA-BLAMMMM!

HE HIT HIS HEAD HARD IN

THE CRASH. I’M SURE HE’LL BE FINE...

...AND DRAWING PICTURES OF WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED TO EMIT.

DURING THE DAY I found MYSELF taking long walks THROUGH THE THICK FOREST GROWTH of the alien planet, PONDERING.

I THINK THERE MIGHT BE

SOMETHING WRONG WITH

KIRK.

DON’T BE RIDICULOUS EMIT DIED BEFORE WE

HAD EVEN LEFT THE SPACE DOCK ON EARTH, BEFORE

WE ENCOUNTERED THE COSMIC RAYS THAT MADE US SENTIENT, COME ON, DUDE.

I HAD THE DREAM AGAIN...IT’S ALL THE SAME...

ONE DAY I CAME UPON A PLACE I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE...

FUNNY... THAT WASN’T HERE YESTERDAY, OR AT LEAST I

DIDN’T SEE IT THEN. I JUST REMEMBERED! THIS WAS MY DREAM LAST NIGHT. curious I FOUND THIS CAVE

AND THEN...

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? I DON’T REMEMBER.

THIS CAVE SEEMS TO GO ON FOREVER.

PERHAPS I SHOULD TURN BACK.

...BUT WHAT PATH SHOULD I TAKE?

ONE DAY I CAME UPON A PLACE I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE...EMIT? THAT’S YOU! ISN’T IT?

MY GOD! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD. ON THE LUSITANIAN, I’M SORRY WE LEFT YOU, BUT YOU’VE GOT TO UNDERSTAND THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD HAVE DONE... WHY ARE YOU SO...SO, SEMI

TRANSPARENT?

KIRK, IT IS ME, BUT NOT AS YOU HAD KNOWN ME BEFORE in life, AND I HAVE

RETURNED, RETURNED TO YOU AS A GHOST! AND WITH A MESSAGE, AN URGENT TASK;

YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS MUST TRAVEL TO THE KYLIEL SYSTEM, RIYBUS-9,...

...THERE YOU WILL FIND THE KEEPER AND

SEARCHER OF THE MINES OF QUALQAL,...

I FEEL LIGHT HEADED, STRANGE, WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME? EMIT WHAT HAS HAPPENED,

HELP ME, I FEEL SICK. WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?

...FIND HIM AND KEEP HIM ALONE, SAFE, THIS I MUST ASK, AND THIS YOU MUST DO.

KIRK! WE REALLY THOUGHT YOU BIT IT THAT TIME, KIDDO.

HE LOOKS FINE, THOUGH, NO?

KIRK, ARE YOU OKAY BUDDY, LOOKED LIKE YOU BANGED YOUR

HEAD PRETTY GOOD THERE,...

ACCIDENT? THE RESULTING BLAST FroM OUR ENCOUNTER

WITH THE RALLIEN ENTITY WHIPPED...

...US RIGHT INTO THE GRAVITATIONAL PULL OF SOME FOREST MOON.

LUCKILY WE WERE ABLE TO PULL OUT OF THE FALL JUST IN THE NICK OF

TIME, BEFORE WE SLAMMED INTO THE RICH ATMOSPHERE OF THE MOON

WE’RE ORBITING NOW.I NEED TO SIT DOWN.

HEY GUYS...WHAT’S GOING ON?

...BUT WE’RE ALL LUCKY, THAT COULD HAVE BEEN A HECK OF

A REAL NASTY ACCIDENT.

YES, WE ALL ALMOST ‘BIT IT’, OR AT THE VERY LEAST CRASH LANDED. CAN YOU

IMAGINE BEING STRANDED ON SOME BACKWOODS

MOON, FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG.

IT WOULD DRIVE ME UP THE WALL, OUT OF MY MIND.

I THINK I’M ADDICTED TO THAT GALACTIC INTERNET

POKER, GUYS, I NEED INTERNET POKER, I CAN ONLY

GO SO LONG WITHOUT IT. YOU KNOW?

YOU BANGED YOUR HEAD IN THE RUCKUS.

WE SHOULD REALLY PUT SOME

ICE ON THAT BUMP, GUY.

tO BE CONTINUED...NEXT ISSUE: JOUW! BANE OF DEATH!

AND SO IT BEGINS...

THEY SAY HE CAME TO TOWN AFTER THE WAR.

HE PERFORMED A LOT OF BIZARRE AND UNNECESSARY EXPERIMENTS DURING THE WAR, MANGLED A LOT OF BODIES, CRIPPLED PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, NAZI STUFF.

SOME SAY HE WAS BEST FRIENDS WITH HITLER, THE FUHRER OF GERMANY.

FOR MANY YEARS, BUT AFTER THE FALL OF THE THIRD REICH HE FOUND HIMSELF IN DESTITUTE,...

...AND A WANTED WAR CRIMINAL.

GOAT GIRL & THE LITTLE HITLERS

OTHERS SAY HE GOT PART OF HITLER’S BRAIN AFTER THE FUHRER

DIED, BEFORE THE ALLIES GOT TO THE BODY, THOUGH THERE ARE VARIATIONS THAT IT WAS A BIT OF NOSE OR SOME TOE NAIL CLIPPINGS, OR SOME SUCH.

IN ANY VERSION OF THE STORY, HE TOOK THE REMNANTS OF HITLER’S BLOODY REMAINS AND SOMEHOW MUTATED THE DNA, OR SOMETHING

LIKE THAT, HE WORKed IN HIS LABORATORY DAY AND NIGHT STRIVING TO CREATE WHAT HE

CALLED (USUALLY WHILE LAUGHING NEFARIOUSLY) A SUPERHUMAN

RACE OF EVIL MONSTROSITIES, DELUSIONAL ASPIRATIONS OF TAKING OVER THE WORLD

FESTERING AND BURNING WITHIN THE COLD BLACK HEART BENEATH

HIS TATTERED AND DINGY LAB COAT.

story: ERNEST ramon / LEDA ZAWACKI art: archangelo

HE HAD PLANED TO CLONE HITLER, HIS REASONING BEING

THAT HIS FUHRER, AND BEST FRIEND, WOULD BE THE BEST AND ULTIMATE SUPERMAN TEMPLATE,

FOR AN ARMY OF SUPERMEN, TO INITIATE THE RISE OF HIS

FOURTH REICH. UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS ONLY ABLE TO CLONE

9 INCH TALL VERSIONS OF THE FUHRER. TO MAKE UP FOR HIS CREATIONS’ LACK OF HEIGHT...

THE PROFESSOR MADE IT SO THAT HIS ARMY OF SUPERMEN COULD MULTIPLY ASEXUALLY.

TO THE PROFESSORS’ DISMAY, INSTEAD OF MULTIPLYING

AGAMOGENETICALLY, THE TINY HITLERS SIMPLY MATED WITH

EACH OTHER, INEVITABLY, INSTINCTUALLY MOUNTING ONE

ANOTHER IF LEFT ALONE.

BITTE MIT VERGNÜGEN!

APPARENTLY, THE PROFESSOR, POSING AS AN AUSTRIAN TELEVISION REPAIR MAN, GAINED ENTRANCE INTO THE U.S. AND FOR MANY YEARS TRAVELED THE FIFTY STATES, SLOWLY AMASSING HIS ARMY OF VICIOUS AND LUSTFUL MINIATURE HITLER MEN SET TO TAKE OVER, FIRST THE UNITED STATES, AND THEN, THE WORLD.

ES TUT MIR LEID, ABER...

DAS IS TABER SCHADE!

AND TO GIVE THE OLD PROFESSOR CREDIT, HIS PLAN DID WORK...FOR A WHILE. THE TOWN WAS BROUGHT TO ITS KNEES BY HIS BROOD. THE TINY FUHRERS TORMENTED, THEN VICIOUSLY DECIMATED THE VILLAGE FOLK, LURING THE UNSUSPECTING INTO CRUDE AND ILL-CONCEIVED BOOBY TRAPS, AND PRACTICAL JOKES, ORGANIZING PREPOSTEROUS AND REALLY GROSS SCAT PARTIES IN THE...

HIS PLAN WAS TO TAKE AMERICA ON ONE SMALL TOWN AT A TIME, METICULOUSLY,...

...UNDER THE COVER OF NIGHT, INVADING EACH TOWNSHIP WITH HIS ARMY OF TINY HITLERS UNTIL THE ENTIRE STATE WAS WITHIN HIS GRASP, THEN THE NEXT STATE, THEN THE NEXT.

LEGEND HAS IT, AFTER THE SIEGE, A MASKED FIGURE APPEARED, A WOMEN IN SCARLET.

THEN SHE DISAPPEARED, NEVER TO BE SEEN OR HEARD FROM AGAIN.

LIVING ROOMS AND COMMON AREAS OF MID, AND UPPER, INCOME FAMILIES, AND THEN SOMETIMES STOPPING TO VENT THERE LUSTS BETWEEN THE BUTTOCKS OR MOIST GAPING MOUTH OF A COMRADE. TRULY SUCH AN AWFUL AND BLOODY BLITZKRIEG HAD NOT BEEN SEEN SINCE THE WARS OF OLD.

SHE TOOK BACK THE TOWN SINGLE HANDED. BLOWING THE TINY HORRORS BACK TO WHATEVER HELL THEY CRAWLED OUT FROM.

WHEN THE SUN FINALLY ROSE THE QUIET STREETS OF MATTON WERE FILLED WITH THE STINK OF MOUND AFTER MOUND OF UNDERSIZE HITLER CORPSES.

THE NATIONAL GUARD FINALLY DECIDED TO SHOW UP.

FIRES BURNED. TOWNSFOLK CRIED FOR FALLEN LOVED ONES. HUNGRY ORPHANED PETS ROAMED THE BROKEN AND DERBIES FILLED CITY STREETS.

NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PROFESSOR. SOME SAY HE WAS TRAPPED IN A BLOCK OF ICE, FROZEN SOMEWHERE UNDER MATTON IN A TOP SECRET MILITARY BASE, OR FREAK GLACIAL DEPOSIT.

aND THE HITLER SPAWN...THEY WERE ALL BUT WIPED OUT BY THE SCARLET WOMAN. A LONE SURVIVOR IS SAID TO HAVE BEEN FROZEN WITH THE PROFESSOR, HIDDEN AWAY IN THE MANY DEEP POCKETS OF HIS LAB COAT, BUT WHO KNOWS. IT’S JUST A STORY.

I’M ALLERGIC TO HAM AND I DON’T EAT CHEESE. I USUALLY DON’T DRINK BUT

IN THIS CASE I’LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

NICE PLACE FOR A PICNIC.

GOAT GIRL’S DATE

GEES, THAT’S AWFUL.

I ALSO CAN’T EAT BREAD.

I’LL DIE IF I DO.

BREAD’S, LIKE, MY FAVORITE FOOD. I CAN TELL.

THIS IS THE GRAVEYARD BEHIND MY FAMILY’S OLD MANSION, COWINWOOD.

story: ERNEST ramonart: archangelo

I MADE SOME HAM AND CHEESE SANDWICHES,

UH, YEAH, SO, WHERE ARE WE GOING, AGAIN?

AND, DON’T ASK ME HOW I DID IT, BUT I PROCURED A BOTTLE OF MALBEC, FOR OUR DELECTATION.

YEAH, I KNOW.

THAT’S GREAT.

YES IT IS.

EVERYONE MOVED OUT SUDDENLY YEARS AGO AND BUILT THE NEW ONE AT THE OTHER END OF THE ESTATE,

MYSTERIOUS.

YEAH IT IS.

WELL...THIS LOOKS LIKE A GOOD A SPOT AS ANY.

NO ONE KNOWS WHY, IN FACT, NO ONE’S REALLY BEEN OUT HERE SINCE.

...LATER.

THE PICNIC, I’M GOING TO WATCH YOU EAT THOSE

SANDWICHES.

SO WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DO YOU LIKE?

I DON’T LISTEN TO MUSIC.

FOR WHAT?

*GASP*

... UH, HUM...PERHAPS SOME OTHER TIME.

SO TELL ME, GERALDINE, WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR TIME?

WORK MAINLY, I GUESS.

I WOULDN’T KNOW I’M INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY.

MY FAMILY’S RICH.

IT’S REALLY NOT THAT

INTERESTING.

HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY? MY NAME IS GERAL...

ICE TEA LEMONADE!

...HEY! WHAT’S GOING ON OVER THERE?

MY GREAT GREAT

GRANDFATHER INVENTED A TYPE OF

PISTON USED FOR OIL

DRILL BITS...

SURE...

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEar ONE OF MY POEMS?

I DON’T READ IT, I WRITE.

I FIND MOST IF NOT ALL FORMS OF “MODERN” POPULAR MUSIC TRITE, MONOTONOUS, AND GROTESQUELY

MORONIC, NOT TO MENTION NERVE GRATING.

I LIKE POETRY TOO. WHO’S YOUR FAVORITE POET?

*ribbit*

earlier That day...

next ISSUE:

COMING SOON!

“HIPSTER HOLOCAUST”“JOUW! BANE OF DEATH!”

© Copyright 2009-2010 elk press

www.elkpress.wordpress.com