Session III
Tactical Approaches to Difficult Behavior
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND DEALING
WITH DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS A QUADRANT SYSTEM
Self
Awareness
Social
Awareness
Self
Management
Relationship
Management
WHY ARE PEOPLE DIFFICULT?
1. Stress
2. Illness
3. Living in the past
4. Differences of opinion
5. Emotional immaturity or
emotionally wounded
6. Misunderstandings
7. Unresolved conflict
8. Physical environment
9. Office negativity
10. Communication barriers
11. Personal challenges
12. Different belief systems
13. Feel threatened
EIGHT WAYS TO MAKE YOURSELF MISERABLE
1. Unfair Comparisons
2. Fighting Reality
3. Misplaced Focus of Attention on the Self
4. Living w/o Purpose
5. Unhealthy Life Style
6. Negativism – Complaining – Gossiping
7. Lack of Gratitude
8. Black & White Thinking
ANALYZING DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR
What factors might be driving their difficult behavior?
AGREE OR DISAGREE?
People I work with would agree that this person(s) is difficult.
AGREE OR DISAGREE?
I often have to work with someone that I find difficult?
TWO FACES OF CONFLICT
Conflicts of Personality
• Should-ism
• Attitudes
• Relationships
• Power
• Competition
Conflicts of Substance
• Issues
• Ideas
• Principles
• Methods
• Values
BEHAVIORS I FIND DIFFICULT
The behaviors that I find most difficult to deal with are :
Personality Based
Power Based
Hygiene or Etiquette Based
Communication Based
Trust Based
Work Ethic Based
IDENTIFYING DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR
Identify three behaviors that you find difficult. Be specific in your description and note why
these behaviors are difficult. What problems or issues do these behaviors create in the work
environment?
Behavior #1:
Behavior #2:
Behavior #3:
OUTCOME FOCUS
out·come
/ˈoutˌkəm/
noun
the way a thing turns out; a consequence.
"it is the outcome of the vote that counts"
Similar: result, end result, consequence, net result, upshot, effect
BEHAVIOR VS. ATTITUDE AND PERSONALITY
What behaviors do you want or need to have changed
What do you want the other person to:
1. Do differently (change)
2. To do less of (stop)
3. To do more off (start)
AGREE OR DISAGREE?
When this person becomes difficult I ignore their behavior even though it bothers me.
AGREE OR DISAGREE?
When this person becomes difficult I assert myself and confront the issue.
Avoidance
First Strike
Composed Confrontation
Not-So-Composed Confrontation
Get Angry
Document Now, Ambush Later
Cry
Talk to others (build consensus)
Empathy
Hold Accountable Now, Document
After
Other
CURRENT TACTICS
5 WAYS TO PROLONG DIFFICULTIES
• Taking an indirect approach
• Nag
• Drop hints
• Make generalized remarks to everyone (Blanket Emails)
• Make vague comments to the person
• Avoid the individual or the issue
What happens when you take an indirect approach?
5 WAYS TO EFFECTIVELY DEAL WITH
DIFFICULTIES
• Taking an direct approach
• Address their actions and deal with the facts
• Timing is everything
• Do it in person and in private
• Pick your battles
• Be prepared for their response
What happens when you take a direct approach?
18
Push Pull Influence
ROLL PLAY #1
19
In the following scenario I will role play one of your peers. Your job is to
“influence” me to change my behavior.
You need me to provide you with necessary information to
accomplish your goal. Giving you the information is not
high on my priority list.
What will you say?
How will you deal with this behavior?
21
Push When Pull When Push/Pull When
You need to make your
expectations clear
You want to be seen as
proactive
You want to build a strong
case for your position
You believe the other does not
understand the full
repercussions of an action
You need a focused direct
approach
You need to build the
relationship
You want the other to be more
involved
You need more information or
deeper understanding
You want to build trust
You need to defuse an angry
or emotional situation
You want the other to know the
specific pay-off to an action
You want to be seen as having
balance to your approach
You want to express confidence
and support
You want to build an alliance or
team
ROLL PLAY #1 RERUN
22
You need me to provide you with necessary information to
accomplish your goal. Giving you the information is not high on my
priority list.
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION IS E.A.S.Y.
E: Express how you feel
A: Address the situation
S: Say what you want to have happen
Y: Ask a yes or no question
EASY SCRIPT OUTLINE
E: I am/I feel ____________________
A: Here’s why:
S: Here is what I want to have happen:
Y: Yes or No?
E: EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL (PUSH- ASSERT)
Make I statements
Use a single word, no modifiers
Make eye contact
Square shoulders
Lower your tonality
• “Mary, I’m surprised.”
• “Bill, I’m disappointed.”
• “Mark, I’m concerned.”
A: ADDRESS THE SITUATION (PUSH- PROVIDE RATIONALE)
State facts not opinions or emotions
Delete the need to judge, focus on behavior
Avoid relying on assumptions or intuition
Maintain eye contact
Ask not to be interrupted
State impact
• “Here’s why…”
S: SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO HAVE HAPPEN (PUSH- ASSERT OR SUGGEST)
Be clear, direct
Be concise, avoid rambling manifestos
Avoid debate, request to be heard ( you can negotiate later)
Avoid being loud but project your voice
Do not apologize, Do not say, “I’m sorry but…”
Ask for what you want
• “Here’s what I want to have happen…”
Y: ASK A YES OR NO QUESTION (PULL- ASK A FOCUSED QUESTION)
State the question so that it can be answer only with “yes” or “no”
Use “will you” not “can you”
Restate your requirements as an agreement
Be prepared for their response, how will you deal with a “No” or in appropriate reaction
Resist the desire to speak in the awkward silence that can follow the question
• “So in the future you will…”
• “Just to be sure we are in agreement whenever…you will…”
• “I want to be able to count on the fact that you will…”
EASY Example
Your boss let’s you know that your work partner, Paul has
indicated that he did the majority of work on a project which the two of you have worked on for the last month.
However, the reality is that you did most of the work.
EASY Example
E- “Paul, I am concerned.” A- Here’s why: “Mr. Anderson told me that you told him you
did the majority of work on the project. In the month we worked together, you completed two sections; I completed ten. You were on vacation two weeks during the project, missed the final inspection and I completed 100% of the follow up work.”
S- Here is what I want to have happen: “Mr. Anderson should
know that I did the bulk of the work.” Y– “Do you want to speak to him? Or shall I?”
EASY Test Drive
E: I am/I feel ____________________ A: Here’s why: S: Here is what I want to have happen: Y: Yes or No?
The Intimidator
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION IS E.A.S.Y.
E: Express how you feel
A: Address the situation
S: Say what you want to have happen
Y: Ask a yes or no question
IDENTIFYING THE SOURCE
The difficult people I work with are:
• My leaders
• My followers (direct reports/students)
• My peers
• Outside sources (vendors/parents/ bureaucracy/other departments)
AGREE OR DISAGREE?
I feel I can deal with this difficult behavior without having to involve anyone else.
AGREE OR DISAGREE
I would like to have help in dealing with this situation but feel
uncomfortable asking anyone to intervene.
AGREE OR DISAGREE
Work difficulties spill over into my personal life.
39
Push Pull Influence