Emotional)SkillsAssessment)Process– International … · 2018-08-19 · Welcome The Peacock is...

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Emotional Skills Assessment Process–International®

Cert i f i cat ion Workshop

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Emotional Intelligence:

Achieving Leadership Excellence

Contact Information:

Emotional Intelligence Learning Systems, Inc.

P.O. Box 271877

Corpus Christi, TX 78427

888-680-7983

www.EiLearningSys.com and www.eitri.org

Darwin Nelson: [email protected]

Richard Hammett: [email protected]

Ashis Sen: [email protected]

© 2016 by the Emotional Intelligence Learning Systems, Inc.

All rights reserved.

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Welcome

The Peacock is the national bird of India and is a symbol of grace, joy, beauty, and love.

Dear Colleague,

We have created the Action Learning Guide so you may work with us through the 2-day workshop on emotional intelligence using the Emotional Skills Assessment Process-International® (ESAP-I®), and then leave with a personal record of your learnings and major takeaways. To the best of our ability, we will model the skills and behaviors of Leadership Excellence in our interactions and relationships with you. Since 2008 we have worked closely with Hindustan Petroleum Corporation, Limited (HPCL) in designing Emotional Intelligence (EI) training workshops for managers and leaders in India. We have learned much in the process.

As a leader your self, our hope is that you will use this learning guide as a source of ideas for teaching, mentoring, and coaching your team members in learning and applying Emotional Intelligence (EI) skills. As a transformational leader you will build leaders on your team. By completing the workshop you will be qualified to use the ESAP-I® in your coaching and mentoring work with employees. You may also select and refine the action learning modules in this learning guide, giving credit to us. The ESAP-I® instrument is copyrighted and a source of income for our business, so it is important that you not make copies or reproduce the items, definitions, or profiles therein.

The Guide has been organized to include visual thinking aids and you will receive these slides for your future use. The culminating learning activity of the two day workshop is completing a personal action plan for developing ESAP® skills.

We hope you enjoy the workshop.

Darwin B. Nelson

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ContentsIntroduction 9

Achieving Leadership Excellence 9Objectives 9Activities 9Learning Outcomes 9Workshop Learning Environment 10Specific Takeaways 10Workshop Leaders 10Workshop Outline 11

Module 1 13Creating a Safe Learning Environment 13

Module 2 15Understand Emotional Intelligence 15

Module 3 19Understand Emotions 19

Module 4 21Experience Positive Assessment 21

Module 5 23Understanding Interpersonal Communication Skills 23

Module 6 25Reflective Thinking and Emotional Self Control 25

Module 7 27Understanding Personal Leadership 27

Module 8 29Understanding Self Management 29

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Module 9 31Reflective Thinking for Better Self Management 31Developing Values Through Reflective Thinking 31

Module 10 33Visioning for Personal Power 33Strategies for Development 34My Personal Vision of Excellence 34My Personal Mission Statement 34

Module 11 35Understanding Intrapersonal Skills 35

Module 12 37Developing Intrapersonal Skills 37Identifying Personal Stressors 39Resiliency Skills 39

Module 13 43ESAP-I® Action Plan 43

Appendix A 45Leadership Continuum 45

Appendix B 47Emotional Intelligence Leadership Theory 47

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Introduction Achieving Leadership ExcellenceThis two-day certification workshop was designed to engage participants through a series of short lectures, discussions, and activities to learn about and develop important emotional intelligence (EI) principles and skills observed in excellent leaders. The workshop will stress the practical application of key EI skills in work, life, and leadership excellence. An overarching goal of the workshop, therefore is to increase the quality of your work, life, and leadership. In previous workshops with HPCL managers the EI skills of Assertive Communication, Emotional Self-Control, Stress Management and the interpersonal leadership skills of Comfort, Empathy, and Decision Making, were identified as focus areas for skill development by the participants. These important EI skills, as well as others, will be a focus of this workshop, too.

The workshop will include scientifically validated assessment instruments to help the participants explore, identify, understand, learn and apply the key emotional skills of transformative leadership excellence. The learning environment of the workshops will be positive and supportive of the individual needs of the participants. Please note that the workshop leaders have previous training experiences with HPCL managers and our leadership model is consistent with Project Akshay’s emphasis on leaders building leaders. Specific workshop goals and objectives are listed below.

Objectives

• Explore, identify, understand, learn, and apply the Emotional Skills Assessment Process–International® (ESAP-I®) EI skills

• Complete positive self assessments of EI and leadership excellence skills • Identify personal skills to learn, strengthen, and enhance • Develop a personal vision and mission statement for achieving excellence • Develop and implement a personal action plan for specific skill development • Develop a personal definition of transformative leadership • Begin to practice coaching using the the ESAP-I® • Model EI skills throughout the workshop

Activities

• Complete the Emotional Skills Assessment Process–International® (ESAP-I®) • Score and construct a your ESAP-I® skills profile • Identify leadership excellence skills to learn, strengthen and enhance • Complete a personal vision and mission statement • Complete the ESAP-I® Action Plan to develop the skill most important to you • Write a positive history narrative to highlight past achievements

Learning Outcomes

• Personal profile of ESAP-I® results identifying individual strengths • Accurate self awareness of transformative ESAP-I® skills to learn, strengthen, and enhance • Personal vision and mission statement

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• Personal definition of transformative leadership • Completed ESAP-I® Action Plan to develop key EI skills

Workshop Learning Environment

• Interactive and experientially based • Participants will work in dyads and teams to learn and practice EI skills • Emphasis will be EI applications for achieving excellence • Individual and team action learning processes will be emphasized • Individual action learning will be facilitated using a participant Action Learning Guide

Specific Takeaways

• Individual Profile of EI Skills from the ESAP-I® • Personal vision and mission statements for increased personal power • Completed ESAP action plan • Completed participant Action Learning Guide for review and application of EI skills in the

workplace and beyond • Visual thinking aids emphasizing key workshop action learning points

Workshop LeadersDarwin B. Nelson, Ph.D. is a consulting psychologist, executive coach, and independent scholar. He has previously served as a tenured professor of counseling and psychology at Texas A&M University-Kingsville. He is widely published and has books, book chapters, and articles are published in national and international journals. Darwin is a principal in Emotional Intelligence Learning Systems, Inc. (EILS) and a founding faculty member of the Emotional Intelligence Training and Research Institute (EITRI). He delivered the opening keynote for the first Global Forum for Emotional Intelligence in Mumbai, India and was honored as a patron and founding member of the Forum for Emotional Intelligence Learning (FEIL) in India. He was a visiting scholar and lecturer of Emotional Intelligence at Shanghai University in China and named a Rotary International teaching scholar to the People’s Republic of China. Darwin conducts EI training and Well Being Seminars for professionals worldwide. He has previously conducted EI workshops throughout India.

Richard Hammett, Ed.D. is an experienced business, management, and academic consultant and coach. His professional interests and pursuits include research, curriculum development, and leadership training with personal excellence and transformative EI models for education institutions and organizations large and small. He teaches graduate and doctoral students in adult and higher education, as well as in educational leadership. Experienced in psychometry, measures of human factors, and online delivery of positive assessment instruments, Rick manages online assessments, education and training programs, and facilitates research projects with education and transformative models of EI. Rick serves as executive editor of The International Journal of Transformative Emotional Intelligence, is a principal in Emotional Intelligence Learning systems (EILS), and a founding faculty member in Emotional Intelligence Training and Research EITRI. He is also a founding member of the Forum for Emotional Intelligence Learning in FEIL in India.

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Ashis Sen, Ph.D. is GM & Head, Capability Building at Hindustan Petroleum Corporation Limited. He has vast experience of 32 years in HPCL in various positions including Operations, Pipelines and HR. He is the visiting faculty at several premier educational institutes including IIMs and serves as Vice Chairman for the Forum for Emotional Intelligence Learning (FEIL). His education credentials include a B.E. from VNIT and a Ph.D. in Collective Achievement Motivation. He is certified in Competency Mapping and has co-facilitated workshops with Dr. Robert Emmerling. He is certified in Competency Assessment by Mercer and has been certified by Hay Group as Executive Coach. Dr. Sen actively participated in building a Harvard Business School Case Study titled Hindustan Petroleum Corporation Ltd.: Driving Change through Internal Communication. Several of his articles have been published in international magazines including at Reflections & Systems Thinker, Balanced Scorecard Report published by Harvard Business Publishing, Human Factor, and Petrotech, amongst other leading journals.

Workshop OutlineThe workshop has been organized into a series of twelve 1-hour action learning modules. A summary of the 2-day workshop is provided in Table 1 for your review.

Table 1: Workshop Outline

Learning Objective Action Learning Process Learning Outcome Time

Create a safe, collaborative learning environment

Module 1: Reflective Listening Formation of action learning dyads and

introductions

1.0

Lay the Workshop Foundation: The Active

Learning Guide (ALG)

Explore the ALG Familiarization with the ALG layout and content

0.5

Understand a Transformative Approach to EI

Module 2: Introduction to Emotional Intelligence

Contrast Ability-Based and Skills-Based Models of EI

1.0

Understand Emotional Information

Module 3: Identify the 4 basic emotions

Value the Positive Contributions of the Emotional

Mind

0.5

Explore and Identify EI Skills Module 4: Experience the ESAP-I®

Appreciate Positive Self Assessment

1.0

Apply the Emotional Learning System for Interpersonal

Communication

Module 5: Practice Active Imagination (AI), Self-directed

Coaching (SC), and Guided Mentoring (GM) to improve

Interpersonal Communication

Understand and Learn Interpersonal Communication

1.0

Understand Emotional Self Control

Module 6: Reflective and Constructive Thinking

Own Your Feelings 0.5

Apply the Emotional Learning System for Personal Leadership

Module 7: Practice AI, SDC, and GM to Improve Personal

Leadership

Understand and Learn Personal Leadership

0.5

Apply the Emotional Learning System for Self Management

Module 8: Practice AI, SDC, and GM to Improve Self

Management

Understand and Learn Self Management

0.5

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Analyze Personal and Organizational Values

Module 9: Reflection with Critical and Constructive

Thinking

Understand and Define Your Personal Values

0.5

Increasing Personal Power Module 10: Reflection with Critical and Constructive

Thinking

Develop Your Personal Vision and Mission Statement

0.5

Apply the Emotional Learning System for Intrapersonal

Knowledge

Module 11: Practice AI, SDC, and GM to Improve Self

Management

Understand and Learn Self Management

0.5

Understanding the Benefits of Positive Emotions

Module 12: Understanding the Benefits of Positive Emotions

Better Stress Management 1.0

Positive Personal Change Module 13: Practice AI, SDC, and GM to Improve EI

Application of EI Skills 0.5

Workshop Reflections Report Out: Significant Take Aways

Solidify Learnings 0.5

Table 1: Workshop Outline

Learning Objective Action Learning Process Learning Outcome Time

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Module 1Creating a Safe Learning EnvironmentThe first two EI skills we will learn and model today are reflective listing and empathic assertion. Reflective listening is a quintessential skill for achieving excellence in work and life. Active listening involves putting your self and your other important tasks to the side so you can focus completely on the person who is communicating with you, face-to-face, in the present.

Reflective listening, therefore, is the first and most important emotional intelligence skill for establishing and maintaining positive and meaningful relationships with others. As a manager and coach leading with EI, reflective listening is essential to learn and practice as an intentional habit. Listening is not passive or slow. Active listening is a state of heightened awareness where your total attention is focused on the words and feelings of another person. Speech is automatic and rapid. When someone is important to you and you care about them, reflective listening is the fastest and quickest way to establish and build a healthy relationship with another person. To be listened to respectfully and to be heard accurately is a rare gift to a person. The Emotional Learning System (ELS) is particularly helpful in reflective listening. The ELS shows the steps that you follow as you explore, identify, understand, and reflectively learn from the words and thoughts that you are hearing. Your goal is to let the other person know that what they have said has been accurately heard and understood. As you become aware of this process of reflective listening, you will find uses for it daily in your important interpersonal relationships. The exact words that you say in response are your choices about the best way that you can communicate respect, caring, and concern for the needs and wants of the other person. Respond based on how they are seeing things as communicated by thoughts, feelings, voice tone, etc.

Take just a five minutes and get to know one of the people at your table. As you visit with one another, learn about the other person’s education, job, family, and interests. Does he or she have any pet peeves we should be aware of? At the end of the visiting period, be prepared to introduce your new colleague to the group. When you finish your introduction, share something in particular that you would like to learn as a result of the 2-day workshop.

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Module 2Understand Emotional IntelligenceWhat is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is not something we measure to find how much someone has.

EI is not EQ

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SELF AWARENESS SELF MANAGEMENT

SOCIAL AWARENESS RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

Dealing healthily with the demands and pressures of everyday work and life1. Self Esteem2. Stress Management

Achievement1. Drive Strength2. Time Management3. Commitment Ethic

A variety of healthy relationships1. Comfort2. Empathy

Working well with others1. Assertion2. Decision Making3. Positive Influence

Deference Aggression Change Orientation

Accurate Self Knowledge and Appreciation

Thinking with two minds: The right mind for the right time!

Emotional intelligence is the learned ability to think constructively and act wisely!

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Module 3Understand Emotions

What is an emotion?

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What are the four basic human emotions?

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Module 4Experience Positive AssessmentThe Emotional Skills Assessment Process® (ESAP®) is one in a family of EI assessment instruments that we developed to engage people who are interested in developing themselves in positive ways. The ESAP-I® (International Version) that you will be experiencing today is a shorter version of the original ESAP® and uses a 5 point Likert scale to assess the same four dimensions and 13 scales measured by the original version. The dimensions and skills of the ESAP® are provided below.

I. Interpersonal Communication 1. Assertion (Skill) 2. Aggression (Potential problem area: Reframed as anger control/management) 3. Deference (potential problem area: Reframed as anxiety control/management) II. Personal Leadership 4. Comfort (Skill) 5. Empathy (Skill) 6. Decision Making (Skill) 7. Positive Influence (Skill) III.Self-Management 8. Drive Strength (Skill) 9. Time Management (Skill) 10. Commitment Ethic (Skill) 11. Change Orientation (Potential problem area: Reframe as positive change) IV. Intrapersonal Knowledge 12. Self-Esteem (Skill) 13. Stress Management (Skill)

Enjoy your ESAP® assessment process!

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Module 5Understanding Interpersonal Communication SkillsIn this activity we will take some time to reflect on and try to really understand the Interpersonal Communication skills. Keep in mind that the three ways of communicating with others are with deference, assertion, and aggression. Interpersonal communication is illustrated on the communication continuum below for your quick reference.

1. Refer to the back pages of your ESAP-I®. First, read and understand our definitions for deference, assertion, and aggression, and then respond to the following prompts.

2. My personal definition of deference is

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3. My personal definition of aggression is

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4. My personal definition of assertion is

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5. Think of a scenario where one or more of these skills is absent. Record that scenario below.

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6. How would that scenario change if the skill were present. Record that change below and prepare to present you solutions to the workshop group.

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Module 6Reflective Thinking and Emotional Self ControlThe speed of thought travels faster than the speed of time. Goal achievement moves your behavior forward so positive affective states await you when you arrive ahead of time. Time and space are movement and flow; not substance, fixed points, or rigid boundaries. Self-directed thoughts focus and drive intentional positive behaviors that build to form positive habits (EI skills) and spiral upwards in a positive flow. Positive affective states increase your thought-behavior repertoire and spiral upward to more accurate self-awareness and happiness. The AWAKE–ASLEEP periods of reflective thinking will (a) increase and expand your positive potential, (b) move you forward toward others in more direct, caring, and positive ways, and (c) build a self-directed positive flow in your daily life.

Activity: Think about a situation where you anticipate you will experience anger or anxiety. In a dyad, discuss the situation and how you would implement the following steps to create the best possible outcome. What would the best possible outcome look like?

Step 1: When you experience frustration, annoyance, jealousy, say to yourself, “I am angry”. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Step 2: Once you have accurately identified the emotion, say to yourself “I create my own anger” (i.e., I am creating my own anger with angry thinking).

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Step 3: After you have realized that you are making yourself angry say, “I accept responsibility for my anger.”

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Step 4: Next as yourself, “How do I want to express this anger in a way that I feel good about?”

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Step 5: As yourself whether you need help from another person. If you are really angry, you should take a time out, leave the anger producing situation–take a walk and give yourself some time to think about what you are going to do or say.

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Module 7Understanding Personal LeadershipIn this activity we will take some time to reflect on and try to really understand the Personal Leadership skills. Complete the following activities with your colleague(s).

1. Refer to the definitions pages of your ESAP-I®. First, read and understand our definitions for comfort, empathy, decision making, and leadership. Then, modify or create your own definitions in the spaces provided below.

2. My personal definition of comfort is

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3. My personal definition of empathy is

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4. My personal definition of decision making is

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5. My personal definition of leadership is

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6. Think of a scenario where one or more of these skills is absent.

Record that scenario below.

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Module 8Understanding Self ManagementIn this activity we will take some time to reflect on and try to really understand the Self-Management skills. Complete the following activities with your colleague(s).

1. Refer to the definitions pages of your ESAP-I®. First, read and understand our definitions for drive strength, time management, commitment ethic, and change orientation. Then, modify or create your own definitions in the spaces provided below.

2. My personal definition of drive strength is

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3. My personal definition of time management is

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4. My personal definition of commitment ethic is

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5. My personal definition of change orientation is

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6. Create a good scenario where one or more of these skills is absent.


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Module 9Reflective Thinking for Better Self Management

Think of yourself as a system that you want to grow and fully develop for your own health and success, as well as being a positive influence on others. Hope and optimism are key elements in achieving excellence. People achieving excellence are positive and active, not negative and reactive. Achievement and success are personally defined and directed. Learning a process of positive personal change is essential to positive growth and the pursuit of excellence.

Strategy 1: Reflectively think about and identify the values most important to you

Strategy 2: Learn and choose constructive thinking over destructive thinking

Strategy 3: Learn and choose reflective actions over reactive behaviors

Strategy 4: Align your beliefs and purpose within parameters of health, achievement, success in life, work, and career

Strategy 5: Develop goals that guide your daily actions toward more health and success

Developing Values Through Reflective ThinkingYour personal vision helps you achieve and succeed far beyond your present expectations by pulling you forward in a way that is meaningful and energizing for you and inspiring to others. Your personal vision is what you want to be, do, feel, think, own, associate with, and have an impact on by some date in the future. An important step in developing your vision is to examine your purpose. Check your purpose with regard to your goals. A good purpose statement may take several drafts to get it exactly the way that you want. Fill in the table below following the examples in the first three rows.

TalentsGifts

Natural Abilities

Personal Excellence

Skills

Passions Interests

Enjoyment

Personal Style in

Relating to Others

Most Important Personal Values

Most Important Life Goals

Family Messages

for Success

Adult Life Stage

Creativity Drive Strength

Reading Friendly Freedom Family Relations

Work Hard Retirement

Art Goal Setting

Travel Humor Change Scholar Honesty Transition

Writing Decision Making

Sculpture Equality Achieving Patience Humility Late Adulthood

List Your Gifts.

List Your Skills.

List Your Interests.

Identify Style

Core Values

Major Life Goals

Hints for Success

Present Life Stage

What are your organization’s core values? List them below.

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Do any of the values you identified above align with your organization’s core values? Which ones?

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You have been thinking reflectively about your most important values, as well as those of your organization. How can you align your beliefs and purpose with those of organization to achieve health, achievement, success, and passion? What specific goals can you identify to help you in your journey of perfecting your self? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Components of a Personal Vision

Note: Each column represents a major factor to consider in creating your vision statement. List your responses for each column. I listed three personal examples for each of the eight major factors to consider in forming your vision. Take your time and record your responses for each column. Look over your completed responses in the eight columns, and think about your purpose for creating a Personal Vision Statement. As you begin to identify your unique gifts, skills, interests, values and goals, write them down as a working draft for your personal vision statement.

Module 10Visioning for Personal PowerYour personal power system is concerned with the principles of drive strength and commitment, and it supplies direct energy for goal achievement. Motivation is internal, committed, focused energy that leads to high levels of personal achievement and excellence. Key skills within this system are drive strength, time management, commitment, and positive change.

Your personal power is your source for your energy, stamina, and commitment that moves forward toward productive work and high levels of achievement. Achievement drive is the defining characteristic of internally motivated high achievers. In essence, your personal power system is your reservoir of energy that propels you toward your personally meaningful goals.

High levels of focused energy are characteristic of people who learn how to use reflective thinking, creative problem solving, and action goal setting. The energy of the emotional mind provides an enduring drive when personal power is engaged and focused on achieving personal and meaningful goals. This energy is essential to achievement, and positive energy needs to be replenished by rest, personal renewal, and resilience.

Emotional intelligence is key to managing your energy in healthy ways for high achievement, productive work, and life satisfaction. When you are energized and focused on meaningful goals, motivation is the behavioral reflection of your personal power. High levels of commitment, focused energy and focus, and self-control lead to high levels of achievement in learning, life, career and in organizational settings.

Your power system operates on the principles of commitment and drive strength, and functions to supply and direct emotional energy for goal achievement. Essentially, this system lets you gain the energy and motivation to achieve goals that are challenging and require some risk of failure. When your personal power system is in a positive flow, you are moving forward in a journey of personal and professional excellence.

In this module you are asked to spend some productive time learning to use constructive and reflective thinking to guide actions aligned with personal goals and values. Think constructively how to set meaningful goals, reflect on how you would feel when you achieve them, and how valuable skilled behaviors and actions help you attain your goals.

Cognitive Focus: Plan and constructively decide what your meaningful goals are in your vision of personal excellence (you identified some in the last module)

Emotional Focus: Feel better about personal standards of excellence setting your course of action rather that on reactive, external standards

Behavioral Focus: Intentionally choose skills, behaviors, and strategies to learn, practice and use - select emotional intelligence skills to gain emotional energy and motivation

Strategies for DevelopmentThink of your personal power system as a source of high energy and focus. Learn more about how you motivate yourself and build quality from within. What is motivating to you? What goals have you identified and put into writing? What is your vision of personal excellence? Constructively think about and decide what your best self would look like to you - as a person of integrity, as a responsible, ethical, and dependable person, as a family member, as a learner, as an employee, as a leader. The process of achieving personal excellence is a journey, not a destination. Keep working a plan to achieve personal standards of excellence.

Strategy 1: Draft and develop a vision of personal excellence and a mission statement aligned with your own standards of excellence, values, and goals

Strategy 2: Understand, on a personal level, how to motivate self and gain energy needed for high levels of achievement

Strategy 3: See commitment as a skill set to achieve important and challenging goals

Strategy 4: Learn the strategies and behaviors of drive strength and self-management

Strategy 5: Develop your self-management system to achieve healthy and productive outcomes

My Personal Vision of Excellence _____________________________________________________________________

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My Personal Mission Statement_____________________________________________________________________

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Module 11Understanding Intrapersonal SkillsIn this activity we will take some time to reflect on and try to really understand the Intrapersonal skills. Complete the following activities with your colleague(s).

1. Refer to the definitions pages of your ESAP-I®. First, read and understand our definitions for self esteem and stress management. Then, modify or create your own definitions in the spaces provided below.

2. My personal definition of self esteem is

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3. My personal definition of stress management is

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4. Create a good scenario where one or more of these skills is absent.


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Module 12Developing Intrapersonal SkillsThere are three types of relationships that are important to personal well being and career and life success. Your intrapersonal relationship is how you think and feel about yourself as an individual. When you use the words; “I feel positive and optimistic about how I am as a person,” you are describing the nature of your intrapersonal relationship. Interpersonal relationships are those that you develop with significant others. In addition to intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships many people develop a spiritual relationship that gives special meaning and purpose to their lives. Individuals strive to achieve a stable and consistent view of the world and healthy spirituality and intuitive wisdom are the highest achievements of the emotional mind.

The three types of human relationships are created and maintained by our beliefs; how and what we think and what we choose to do. When a thought is accepted as a personal truth and reinforced by our experience a belief is formed. Beliefs are continually and automatically formed by our direct experience (emotional learning). Beliefs become guidelines for our behavior and are very resistant to change. It is our differences in thoughts and beliefs that create our uniqueness as a person. Personal well being and happiness require a balance or harmony in intrapersonal, interpersonal, and spiritual relationships and an acceptance of the differences in others.

Healthy relationships are a major source of the positive emotions of love, happiness, joy, contentment, and interest (passion). The emotions of anger, fear, and sadness are also a part of human relationships. To keep ourselves happy and healthy we need relationships that create positive emotions and buffer us against the strong emotions of anger, fear, and sadness. The key to creating and maintaining healthy relationships and positive emotions is learning to apply emotional intelligence skills daily. When we make our relationship behaviors conscious by a daily process of reflective thinking and positive goal achievement (AWAKE) our relationships become our most important priority.

Emotions are important sources of information about what we are currently experiencing and emotions are created by out of awareness and automatic thoughts. Most people go through life thinking that emotions just happen and pay little attention to emotions unless they are painful. The ultimate goal of all human beings is happiness. People create happiness by doing happy and loving things and by pursuing personally meaningful activities. Relationships offer us an opportunity to experience positive emotions and our goal is to help you learn how to increase positive emotions and decrease the negative effects of anger, fear, and sadness.

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. ~ Victor Hugo

Intimacy is a feeling of closeness, comfort, and safety. Healthy relationships provide an important source of emotional intimacy. Primary relationships offer both physical and emotional intimacy. Each relationship is unique to the end that the two persons involved must create and maintain ways

of being together that are positive and affirming for both. In healthy relationships interdependence is a higher value than independence. We often choose to do things that we would individually not prefer to do because the relationship is a higher priority than individual needs or wants.

Healthy relationships are transparent and permit us to disclose important thoughts and emotions. When we feel accepted, trusted, and loved by another person intimacy develops and we feel safe in the relationship. Intimacy is a skill not a characteristic or a thought. Intimacy is developed when respect, trust, and genuine caring occurs in the relationship. How to be comfortably close to another person requires clear and direct communication about needs, wants, expectations, and shared activities.

The strong emotions of anger, fear, and sadness interrupt intimacy and encourage distance and a withdrawal of affection. Emotions become destructive in relationships when they block loving behavior and are not resolved. In healthy relationships there are clearly defined processes for dealing with strong emotions and solving problems. Emotional self-control and creative problem solving are skills that can be learned and applied to keep relationships positive and loving.

Human beings have four primary emotions; love, anger, fear, and sadness. It is essential to be able to accurately recognize these emotions in others and our selves and to know how to express these emotions constructively. Emotional self-control is an important relationship skill. In primary intimate relationships we experience high levels of love, anger, fear, and sadness.

The keys to lasting loving relationships are constructive thinking and emotionally intelligent behavior. Emotionally intelligent behavior is self directed and intentional behavior. Intelligence (cognitive) is the ability to learn from experience. Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to learn from our emotional experiences in ways that improve our behavior, and our relationships with others.

The behavioral reflections of emotional intelligence are wisdom and intelligent self direction. Wisdom is the ability to make good judgments based on past experiences. Intelligence is the ability to learn from experience. Emotional intelligence is the ability to learn from our emotional experiences in the present so that we can choose and direct our behavior by thinking constructively and behaving wisely. Our relationship behaviors are shaped by a lifetime of emotional learning. Emotionally intelligent behavior is intentional and congruent with our important beliefs and values.

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Identifying Personal StressorsStress is the biggest problem for people all over the world. In the East stress is defined as an interruption of inner peace. We in the West define stress as a loss of control. The sources of stress are both internal and external and each person defines and responds to stress differently so each of us must identify our own personal stressors as a first step in positively managing stress and improving our personal well being.

The easiest things to change are your thoughts and behaviors. Changing emotions and habits are more difficult. The secret to managing stress and calming yourself is to

Identify your personal stressors,

1. learn to identify the thoughts that you have about the stressor that cause the strong emotion,

2. identify any behavior that occurs with the thought and emotion,

3. give your self a more realistic and healthy thought to replace your old thought, and

4. set a personal goal to behave in a healthier and happier way for you.

The chart on the next page, Stress Management: A Thought Changing Process, will provide guidance and practice for your personal stress management. Practice changing your thoughts and behaviors by identifying your major personal stressors, writing in the thoughts that accompany the stressor event, identifying the emotion that you feel when the event happens, come up with a new thought that is more healthy than the old one and set a goal to accomplish that will let you be healthier and happier. When practiced regularly this thought changing process will calm your emotions and improve your behavior when one of your personal stressors occurs. The AWAKE Goal Achievement Process that we will practice in Appendix D builds in the habits of natural breathing, reflective thinking, creative problem solving, action goal setting, and relaxation, and strengthens the stress management thought changing skills learned here.

Resiliency SkillsResiliency skills are EI skills that engender mental toughness and improve one’s ability to meet and manage adversity, distress, and the effects of rapid change. Resiliency skills may be seen as constructive thinking patterns that contribute to emotionally intelligent behavior, increased performance under stress and personal well-being. Mindfulness and realistic optimism are important components of constructive thinking; a process that leads to mental toughness and flexibility in high stress situations.

Resiliency skills are learned and developed abilities and are best taught in relationship focused learning environments like mentoring and coaching. Stress in an unavoidable consequence of living in a rapidly changing world and emotional intelligence skills inoculate us from the negative effects of distress. The resiliency skills that allow us to work long hours, strive for high goals and standards of excellence, and deal with the disappointments and failures of day-to-day living are essential to personal well being and high levels of achievement.

Resiliency skills training is a priority focus in military education and training. The Pentagon’s Defense Science Board (DSB) has identified five factors associated with stress resistance. These core resiliency factors and their corresponding skills are provided at the bottom of the facing page.

Stress Management: A Thought Changing Process

Core Resiliency Factors and Corresponding Skills

Stressor Event Thoughts Emotion Behavior New Thought Positive Goal

Financial Problems

I will never find a job.

SadnessDepression

Give up looking Times are bad and I will go on

To ask for help from friends who are working

Workplace Stress

No matter how hard I work I can not get ahead.

AngerFrustration

Arguments with co-workers and

boss

I need to explore options

for changing

I can calm down and explore ways to relax

Relationship Problems

I can not get along with the people I care most about.

FearAnxiety

Stay silent and avoid family members

I can solve problems if I face them

To ask my partner for a time to talk

Health Problems I should lose weight

Sadness Avoid making doctor’s

appointment

I can lose weight if I knew

how

Make doctor’s appointment as

a start

Excessive Daily Demands

There is not enough time in

the day

FearAnger

Sadness

Work long hours and sleep less

I can better organize my day and get more sleep and rest

I will write down a plan for the day before it starts

Bad Personal Habits

I should not smoke, overeat, procrastinate, etc. .________

Strong Destructive Emotions

Stop and Start Smoking--Gain

and Lose Weight

I can change if I really want to and know how

To learn how others learned not to smoke or

overeat

Sleep Problems I can not relax enough to sleep

FearAnxiety, Tension

Exhaust Myself with Work

Sleep is a release not an

effort

I will end the day with a

relaxation skill

Personal Stressor

Thoughts AboutStressor Event

Emotion That I Feel

What I Do When It Happens

Healthy/Positive Constructive

Thought

Positive Goal for Improvement

1

2

DSB Core Factors Resiliency Skills

Positive Emotions Optimism, Congruence and Positive Self-Efficacy

Cognitive Flexibility Goal Clarity and Change Orientation

Reappraisal Resiliency

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Social Support Positive Support

Active Caring Style Empathy, Comfort, Assertiveness, Self-Control

DSB Core Factors Resiliency Skills

Positive Emotion

When did you last feel this

emotion?

Where were you? Anyone

with you?

What were you doing? Notice

your surroundings?

What else gives you this

feeling?

What else can you do now to cultivate and nourish this

feeling?

Joy

Gratitude

Serenity

Interest

Hope

Pride

Amusement

Inspiration

Awe

Love

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Module 13ESAP-I® Action PlanYou have spent two days learning about EI and practicing the emotional learning system steps using active imagination, guided mentoring, and self-directed coaching. Now begin ELS STEP V: APPLY by completing the PEM Action Plan. This step in the ELS requires that you use your ESAP-I® results to target a specific skill that you will apply to develop yourself and model EI skills for others. Remember, always start with strengths (be strength focussed)!

1. Currently my strongest ESAP-I® skill is

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2. Review and reflect on the definition of this skill and define it in your own words (or if already defined in your own words, refine your definition here).

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3. Identify and list the value and benefits of enhancing and applying this skill for you and in your relationships with others.

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4. Identify and record the ESAP-I® skill that you need and want to learn and develop most.

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5. List the important values or benefits that you would receive by developing this skill as a person. How would it help you be a success advocate for others?

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6. How long will you devote to learning and practicing this skill? My timeframe (eight weeks, one year - select a personally meaningful timeframe) for developing this skill is

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7. Resources (Books, Articles, Skills Training) that I will need to develop this skill are: (List)

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You can develop your targeted skill through self directed coaching, so check your action status to determine your level of commitment. Who do you know that applies and models this skill? Would it be helpful to find a mentor or coach who could help you learn and develop this skill?

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Appendix ALeadership Continuum

Continuum of Leadership Excellence: The Behaviors Associated With Varying Levels of Leadership Effectiveness

Toxic Bad Positive Excellence

Destruc(ve/Damaging Narcissis(c EthicalDemonstrates genuine concern

and caring for followers

Interpersonal technique that damages the learning

environmentSelf-‐Centered Credible

Models openness; respecBul, and clear communica(on

Students perceive teacher as mo(vated by self-‐interest Unethical Collabora(ve

Followers perceive support and concern for their well-‐being

Malevolent narcissism is the personality dynamic Not Credible Competent

Personality dynamic is balanced: mutual respect for

self and others

Generates maximum anxiety over minimum significance Dishonest with self and others Rela(onship focus

Ac(vely builds healthy and produc(ve learning

rela(onships and builds trust

Arrogant, self-‐serving, inflexible and peOy Coercive Coopera(ve

Collabora(ve: problem solving focus/empowers

Maximizes interpersonal damage at the highest level Incongruent Congruent

Self-‐confident, acceptant, and tolerant of deficiencies in

others

Extremely unethical/amoral Intolerant AcceptantModels integrity and highly ethical behavior (Integrity)

Very poli(cally astute Impulsive Reflec(ve/Construc(ve Emo(onally Intelligent

Appendix BEmotional Intelligence Leadership TheoryIn an article reporting their research on the construct clarification of servant leadership, Barbuto & Wheeler (2006) published a table to help differentiate Servant Leadership Theory, Transformational Leadership Theory, and LMX Leadership Theory. Like the Education Model of Emotional Intelligence (EI) (Nelson & Low, 2003, 2011) that preceded it, EI Leadership Theory (Nelson, Low, & Hammett, 2008) holds that a key enabler of excellence is the ability to integrate the two minds to achieve the most constructive outcomes for everyone involved in the leadership process. Barbuto and Wheeler’s original table is adapted with a new fourth column added to facilitate ongoing discussions and research about the construct of EI-Centric Leadership.

Comparing Servant Leadership, Transformational Leadership, Leader-‐Member-‐Exchange (LMX), and EI Centric Leadership Theories

Servant Leadership Theory

TransformationalLeadershipTheory

LMX LeadershipTheory

EI LeadershipTheory (Nelson, Low, & Hammett, 2008)

Nature of Theory Normative Normative Descriptive Normative andPhenomenological

Role of Leader To serve followers To inspire followers to pursue organizational goals

To develop positive relationships with followers

To collaborate with followers, constituents, and stakeholders to develop and pursue an organizational vision and shared aspirations

Role of Follower To become wiser, freer, more autonomous

To pursue organizational goals

To develop positive relationships with leaders

To develop personal and organizational goal congruence

Moral Component Explicit Unspecified Unspecified Explicit (person-centered)

Expected Outcomes

Follower satisfaction, development, and commitment to service, societal betterment

Goal congruence: increased effort, satisfaction, and productivity; organizational gain

Satisfaction, mutual trust, increased effort

High achievement; excellence in personal and organizational outcomes

Individual Level Focus

Desire to serve Desire to lead Desire to relate Desire to develop wise, intelligent self-direction

Interpersonal Level Focus

Leader serves follower Leader inspires follower Leader exchanges with follower

Leader develops positive personal relationships

Group Level Focus Leader serves group to meet member needs

Leader unites group to meet group goals

Leader develops different exchanges with each person

Leader provides supportive, positive environment

Organizational Level Focus

Leader prepares organization to serve community

Leader inspires followers to pursue organizational goals

Unspecified Leader seeks to develop an excellent (i.e., EI-Centric) organization

Societal Level Focus

Leader leaves a positive legacy for betterment of society

Leader inspires nation or society to pursue articulated goals

Unspecified Leader actively contributes to positive development of local and world community

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