ENGLISH PEOPLE IN ENGLAND Joan Fluvià English Day 2015 – 2016 1. LLUÍS M MESTRAS SCHOOL (4) Mrs Smith: Look! It’s nine o’clock. What a lovely evening! Mr Smith: Except for the dinner. You know I don’t like this fish and chips, darling! Mrs Smith: You don’t like fish and chips!? Grandma: Then you are not English. Mr Smith: You mean, if I don’t like fish and chips, I’m... Spanish? or French? Mrs Smith: Of course not! Mr Smith: Perhaps... Russian? Oh, no! I can’t be Russian. I don’t like snow. And, you don’t like whisky. Then, you are not English, either. Grandma: My God, we’re strangers in our own country. (The doorbell rings) I’ll go and open the door. John: Hello Mrs Grand. My name is John. I’m your neighbour
Transcript
ENGLISH PEOPLE IN ENGLAND
Joan Fluvià
English Day 2015 – 2016
1. LLUÍS M MESTRAS SCHOOL (4)
Mrs Smith:
Look! It’s nine o’clock. What a lovely evening!
Mr Smith:
Except for the dinner. You know I don’t like this fish and chips, darling!
Mrs Smith:
You don’t like fish and chips!?
Grandma:
Then you are not English.
Mr Smith:
You mean, if I don’t like fish and chips, I’m... Spanish? or French?
Mrs Smith:
Of course not!
Mr Smith:
Perhaps... Russian? Oh, no! I can’t be Russian. I don’t like snow.
And, you don’t like whisky. Then, you are not English, either.
Grandma:
My God, we’re strangers in our own country.
(The doorbell rings)
I’ll go and open the door.
John:
Hello Mrs Grand. My name is John. I’m your neighbour
Grandma:
Hello John
John:
Hello Mrs Grand. I’m your neighbour.
Grandma:
A bit too repetitve, don’t you think?
John:
Yes. No. I don’t know.
Grandma:
What can I do for you, John?
John:
I have a problem with my computer. I have a problem with the internet.
Grandma:
With the inter... what?
John:
Net. Inter-net. Don’t you have Internet?
Grandma:
We have no nets, no fish; no nests, no birds.
John:
I was referring to the Inter-net.
Grandma:
We have no Inter-net, no Exter-net. I’m sorry.
John:
Oh!. Sorry. Bye
Grandma:
Bye, John. Inter-net, what’s that??
Mrs Smith:
Don’t be silly! Of course I’m English. And you are not Russian. But it’s strange you
don’t like fish and chips.
Grandma:
All English men like fish and chips.
2. ROCALBA SCHOOL (3)
Mrs Smith:
All English men like fish and chips
Mr Smith:
No, it’s not true.
Grandma:
Yes, it is.
Mr Smith:
No, it isn’t
Mrs Smith:
Why not?
Mr Smith:
I’ve got a new friend at work. He doesn’t like fish and chips.
Grandma:
How strange!
Mr Smith:
His name is Mustafa. He comes from Morocco.
Mrs Smith:
He’s not English! You see, grandma is right.
Grandma:
All English men like fish and chips.
Mr Smith:
Of course he’s English. He lives in the suburbs of London.
Grandma:
Where, exactly? In the north or the south?, east, or west?
Mr Smith:
65, Murrow Gardens.
Mrs Smith:
This is our address, darling!
Mr Smith:
Yes, I know. He lives on the second floor. We live on the third.
Mrs Smith:
Then, he’s our neighbour!
Mr Smith:
Yes, that’s right. Look, it’s ten past nine. It’s late.
Grandma:
Why do you think it’s late? You never go to bed before half-past ten.
Mr Smith:
But it’s ten past nine!
Mrs Smith:
Yes, it is. But I can’t see where the problem is!
Mr Smith:
Well, darling. Mustafa and his family...
Grandma:
What’s the matter with Mustafa?
Mr Smith:
I said... quarter past nine... for a last cup of tea.
Mrs Smith:
Today?
Mr Smith:
Yes, today. Why not?
Mrs Smith:
Where? Not at home, I hope!
Mr Smith:
I’m afraid. Yes, darling. At home!
Mrs Smith:
John, you are an ass!
Do you understand the words “I’m tired”?
Do you understand the words “I don’t like tea”?
Mr Smith
You don’t like tea? Then you are not English.
Mrs Smith:
Oh, come on John. It’s not a good idea to invite your friend today.
Grandma:
It’s late.
Mr Smith:
But it’s Friday! We don’t go to work tomorrow.
Mrs Smith:
You don’t go to work tomorrow. I must go shopping to the butcher’s, the
supermarket and everywhere.
3. LA BÒBILA SCHOOL (6)
Mrs James (at the door):
What a nice surprise for them, don’t you thing darling?
Mr James (at the door):
Yes!, of course. They love surprises.
Are you tired, darling?
Mrs James (at the door):
I’m not, but they need a lift. It’s the seventh floor and...
Mr James (at the door):
I can’t understand why they don’t have a lift.
Mrs James (at the door):
A lift? They never do anything!
Mr James (at the door):
Shhh! Walls have ears!
Mrs Smith:
Can you do me a favour, John?
Mr Smith:
Of course, darling.
Mrs Smith:
Why don’t you go away with Mohamed and his wife?
Mr Smith:
Mustafa. His name is Mustafa.
And, darling, please. Be kind with them. He works with me!
Mrs Smith:
Yes, but I live with you.
(The doorbell rings)
Grandma:
I’ll go. I hope it isn’t the Internet any more!
Grandma opens the door. Mr and Mrs James come in. Later, comes John
Mr James:
Good evening everybody. Good evening, how are you?
Grandma:
Good evening. I’m fine, thank you. Aren’t you Mr and Mrs James?
Mr James:
Well, I’m Mr James, but she isn’t. I mean, she isn’t Mr James. She is Mrs James, of
course.
Mrs James:
And I’m Mrs James, but he isn’t. I mean he isn’t Mrs James. He is Mr James, of
course.
Grandma:
Of course, I can understand. I’m the grandma, but I’m not silly. Of course. But my
question is, dear sirs, aren’t you Mr and Mrs James?
Mrs James:
Yes, of course, why? Do I look like another person?
Grandma:
You don’t, actually. But.. So, you are not Mustafa and his wife.
Mr James:
Mustafa? Who’s Mustafa?
Grandma:
It doesn’t matter. Please, come in
(They come in. John comes in as well).
John:
Hello. My name is John.
Grandma:
Oh, the Inter-neighbour! More problems, John?
John:
Yes! Have you got a USB?
Grandma:
A USB? What’s that? The United States of Birmingham, Belgium, Bangla Desh?
John:
No! I mean the storage, the device.
Grandma:
Listen boy! No USB, no device and, of course, no vice! Goodbye!
John:
Sorry. Bye.
4. CASTELLROC SCHOOL (5)
Mr James:
Good evening, John.
Mr Smith:
James! Good evening. Good evening Mrs James, how are you?
Mrs Smith:
James and Cynthia! What a surprise. And, Where’s Mustafa, John?
Mrs James:
Mustafa? Who’s Mustafa? Have you got a problem with a Mustafa?
Mrs Smith:
Oh no, darling! Would you like a cup of tea?
Mrs James:
Oh, thank you darling. Here we have some tea biscuits. They are a recipe from
mum. James loves them, don’t you, darling?
Mr James:
Of course, darling. I love your mum’s biscuits.
Grandma:
But, she died last year! I mean, they can’t be your mum’s biscuits.
Mrs James (crying):
Yes, she died last year. Oh, poor mum. She was so…
Mr James:
Oh, come on, darling…
Mrs Smith:
Mum! Why do you say these things? Can’t you see? She’s so sad…
Grandma:
Oh, I’m sorry, darling. I don’t want to…
Mr Smith:
Tell me, James. Would you like something to drink?
Mr James:
No, thanks. Just a cup of tea.
Mr Smith:
All right. Let’s have a cup of tea with your mum’s biscuits. I mean with your delicious
biscuits.
Listen, what can we do for you?
Mrs James:
We have very good news. And we are here to...
Mrs Smith:
Good news? What is it?
Mr Smith:
Don’t keep us guessing! Perhaps, James, you…
Mr James:
Yes! You are right, John, I’m going to have a son.
(The doorbell rings)
Mr Smith:
You’re going to have a son? You mean she’s going to have a son, don’t you?
Mr James:
Of course, she’s going to have a son. But it also affects me, I think. I mean, of
course I’m not going to have a son, but it is also my son.
Mrs James:
Yes, James always helps me a lot; that’s why we say that we’re going to have a
son. Having a son is a two-person job.
Grandma:
It normally is, yes! And what’s his name?
Mrs James:
You don’t know his name!? He is Mr James, Mr James James.
Grandma:
I know he is Mr James. I mean your son. What is his name; what is your son’s
name? John, Peter, Henry, William...?
Mr James:
We don’t know it yet. We still don’t know if it is a boy or a girl.
Mrs James:
Helen for a girl; Thomas for a boy.
Mrs Smith:
Hey!, remember your words, James: “I’m going to have a son!”
Mr Smith:
Right! “I’m going to have a son”. So it must be a boy.
Mrs James:
But we still don’t know. Well, it doesn’t matter. We are going to have a BABY!
5. CASTANYER SCHOOL (6)
Grandma opens the door.
John:
Hi! I’m John. I’m your neighbour.
Grandma:
Hi again, John. Any problem?
John:
Yes! I have a problem with my son.
Grandma:
So you have a son!?
John:
Yes. I just come from the hospital. My wife and the child are still there, of course.
But everything is all right. Both, mother and son are in very good shape.
Grandma:
Congratulations my dear neighbour. Let me introduce my friends, the James. They
are also expecting a son, ... sorry, a daughter; no, they don’t know. They are going
to have a baby.
John:
Ok. Congratulations. But I have a problem.
Grandma:
And, what’s the problem? You don’t have a dummy?
John:
Of course we have the dummy. We have everything we need.
Mr Smith:
Then what is it?
Mrs Smith?
Perhaps his new room?
John:
No! His name. We don’t know his name!
Mr Smith:
Of course, he’s too young to speak!
Mrs Smith:
Don’t be silly, John.
Grandma:
You mean you don’t agree with the name?
John:
You are right! We don’t know his name.
Mr James:
Thomas! I suggest the name Thomas.
John:
No, that’s impossible! My surname is Mann. We can’t call him Thomas Mann; the
same as the famous writer.
Mr Smith:
Then, Peter. That’s a very nice name, isn’t it?
John:
Peter Mann. The same as the retail company selling clothes? We don’t want our
son’s friends call him Mr Taylor.
Grandma:
I know it! Napoleon!
John:
Nap...!
Grandma:
Oleon! Yes. Napoleon.
Grandma:
We need a Napoleon in our country. Everything gets better with a man like him!
Mrs Smith:
Of course! Napoleon! Yes.
Mrs James:
Napoleon? Yes, I like it. Congratulations, sir. You have a name for your son.
John:
Napoleon? Are you sure? The name of a dictator?
Grandma:
He was the best. The best commander a country can have!
Mr Smith:
Yes! Don’t hesitate. Napoleon. Master and commander!
John:
Master and commander. Isn’t that a film?
Grandma:
No! That’s a name! Napoleon.
John:
Napoleon?! Let’s talk to Mary, first.
(John leaves)
6. SALVADOR VILARRASA SCHOOL (7)
Grandma:
Poor boy! I hope they don’t give the son this name.
Mrs Smith:
Don’t worry, mum. Of course not.
Mrs James:
I hope not!
All:
Of course not.
Mustafa and his wife come in.
Mustafa:
Good evening everybody!
Mr Smith:
Hello! Thank you for coming.
Mrs Smith:
Yes, thank you. It’s a pleasure for us.
Fatima:
It’s very kind of you to invite us this evening. I suppose you are very tired.
Mrs Smith:
No, we are not. And tomorrow is Saturday. We don’t go to work.
Fatima:
These biscuits are for you. They are typical from our country.
Mrs Smith:
Thank you darling.
Grandma:
More biscuits! We can’t eat all these biscuits!
Mr Smith:
Why not? We can compare them and decide which biscuits are better.
Grandma:
Let’s prepare some tea. Do you all like tea?
Fatima:
Yes, of course. We are English.
Mr James:
English? You mean you are English, English?
Mustafa:
Of course. We are Londoners.
Mr James:
You are not! You were not born in London.
Fatima:
No, we were born in Morocco, but we live in London.
Mr James:
Londoner refers to a person born and raised in London.
These biscuits are typical from London.
Mrs Smith:
You see, John?! They like tea and you don’t like fish and chips.
Fatima:
Oh! I love fish and chips.
Mr Smith:
So do I.
Mrs Smith
No, you don’t. You always say you don’t like fish and chips.
Mr Smith:
No, it’s not true. I like fish and chips, but I don’t like your fish and chips. I like going
to a fish-and-chip shop.
Mrs Smith:
Yes, you love going to a fish-and-chip shop, but you never eat fish and chips. You
eat sausage in butter.
7. VERNTALLAT SCHOOL (9)
(The doorbell rings)
Grandma:
Who is at the door?
Mrs Smith:
Someone must open the door.
Mr Smith:
OK. I’ll go.
Mr James:
John, if you want, I can open the door. I don’t mind.
Mrs James:
Why don’t we have some biscuits? They are delicious.
Mr James:
Yes, we know that. They are your mum’s biscuits.
Mrs James:
Oh, poor mum…
(Mr Smith opens the door. There is a police inspector and a policeman/woman))
Mr Smith:
Good evening, inspector. Can I help you?
Inspector:
Good evening, sir. Yes. Can I ask you a few questions?
Mr Smith:
Yes, of course. Why? Is there any problem?
Policeman/woman
No, we don’t think so. It’s daily routine.
Mr Smith:
Daily routine? You don’t come every evening to my door.
Inspector:
It’s routine for us, of course.
Mustafa (to Mrs Smith):
By the way, what about our biscuits?
Mrs Smith:
Oh yes!, they are delicious. I love them.
Fatima:
If you want, you can have the recipe.
Grandma (to Mrs Smith):
Do you like the biscuits?
Mrs Smith:
At all.
Fatima (to Mustafa):
Do you think they like the biscuits?
Mustafa (to Fatima):
Of course, darling.
Policeman/woman:
The question is, sir... Can you inform us about your neighbours?
Mr Smith:
Our neighbours? Well, can you tell me their names, please?
Inspector:
Mr and Mrs Singateh.
Mr Smith:
Singateh? I don’t know. Who are they?
Policeman/woman
Mustafa and Fatima, I think.
Mr Smith:
I’ve no idea.
Inspector:
Yes, you must know them. They live on the second floor.
Mr Smith:
You mean… the second floor? This second floor?
Policeman:
Yes, this second floor! Of course! They are your neighbours.
Mr Smith:
I know they must be our neighbours. But… do you say Singateh?
Policeman:
Singateh. That’s right. Mustafa and Fatima. Do you know them?
Mr Smith:
I’ve no idea, sirs.
8. SANT ROC SCHOOL (10)
Mrs Smith (from the sitting room):
Who’s at the door, John?
Mr Smith:
Oh, it’s nothing. The fire brigade, darling.
Inspector:
Why do you say the fire brigade?
Mr Smith:
Because my wife is afraid of policemen.
Policeman/woman:
Why? Has she got any problem with the Police?
Mr Smith:
No, of course not. It’s only that nobody likes the police at home.
Policeman/woman:
Isn’t there any policeman in your family?
Mr Smith:
No!
Policeman/woman:
Policewoman?
Mr Smith:
No!
Well, sirs, it’s getting late and I can’t tell you anything about my neighbours.
Inspector:
Are you sure, sir?
Mr Smith:
Yes, of course. Why don’t you go downstairs and knock at their door?
Inspector:
We did. There’s nobody.
Mrs Smith:
Darling! Your tea is ready!
Mr Smith:
You see, inspector. My family and I are going to take a last cup of tea before we go
to bed. You can understand.
Grandma (she comes to the door):
John, you are always late.
(John, the neighbour, comes again)
Oh, no! The neighbour again!
What’s the problem, now? I’m a litlle fed up, don’t you know?
John:
I’m sorry, but I am cooking my dinner and...
Grandma:
You need a new oven?
John:
No. Not an oven, of course.
Grandma:
What is it, then?
John:
I need some salt. Only some salt.
Inspector:
Salt? You mean SALT? Strategic Arms Limitation Talks?
John:
Sor... sorry? What do you mean?
Inspector:
SALT!
Policeman/woman:
I think he means salt, cooking salt.
Grandma:
OK boy. Listen, I have some salt in a device but I keep it in a net. Goodbye.
John:
Sorry. Bye.
Grandma:
Bye John. By the way, how is your son?
John:
He’s fine, thank you. And so is my wife!
Grandma:
And what about the name? Does the boy have a name?
John:
Yes, he does. We are sorry, but we don’t like that name, Napoleon! I hope you can
understand. It’s our son, and...
Grandma:
Of course we understand. And what’s his name, then?
John:
Adolf. His name is Adolf. Bye madam.
Granma:
Bye. Adolf! Goodness me! Adolf! I can’t believe it!
John (off stage)
Ha! Adolf! I’m kidding, of course! His real name is John. But don’t tell them.
9. PETIT PLANÇÓ SCHOOL (9)
(She sees the Police)
Oh, good evening inspectors. John, are you crazy? The fire brigade?
Would you like a cup of tea?
We also have some delicious biscuits from our friends.
Mr James:
Yes, they are excellent biscuits. They are her mother’s...
Mrs James (crying again):
Oh, poor mum..
Mr James:
Don’t worry, darling. Please, don’t cry.
Mustafa:
I think our biscuits are much better.
Fatima:
They are really excellent.
Mrs James:
Why do you think your biscuits are better?
Fatima:
Simply, because they are my biscuits.
Mustafa:
Of course!
Mrs James:
My biscuits are also my biscuits.
Mr James:
Of course!
Mustafa:
No, they are your mother’s.
Mrs James (crying again):
Oh, poor mum...
Mr Smith:
Well, I don’t think ... It’s late and ...
Inspector:
Oh yes! Thank you very much and thank you for your tea. We have a lot of work to
do, tonight.
(They all come in. John closes the door.)
Policeman/woman:
Good evening everybody. Many thanks for your tea.
All:
Good evening.
Mr Smith:
Let me introduce... She is my mother Jane. And Helen, my wife.
Inspector:
And...?
Mr Smith:
And they are our friends James and Cynthia. The James.
He is Mr James James. And she is her wife, Cynthia James.
Mr James:
Good evening inspector.
Mrs James:
Good evening. Would you like some tea biscuits?
Mr Smith:
They are delicious. They are from her mother. She died last year.
Policeman:
She died last year!? Do you think these are edible biscuits?
Mrs James (crying again):
Oh, poor mum!
Mrs Smith:
Why do you say that? They are a recipe from her mother. It is a very good recipe, in
fact. And these biscuits, oh, they are delicious.
Policeman:
Oh, we’re sorry.
10. COR DE MARIA SCHOOL (9)
Inspector:
Of course, they are delicious.
I’m so sorry Mrs James. We don’t want to hurt you.
Now, Mr Smith, can you introduce me the rest of your friends?
Mr Smith:
Oh yes. They are our friends, Mus...er...hammed
Policeman/woman:
Mushammed? It’s a very funny name.
Mustafa:
Tafa.
Inspector:
Tafa?
Mustafa:
No! Mustafa. My name is Mustafa.
Mr Smith:
Mustafa? No, you always say your name is Mushammed.
Mustafa:
Mushammed does not exist. Oh, come on John. You know my name is Mustafa.
And she is my wife.
(The doorbell rings.)
Inspector:
Good evening, Fatima.
Mustafa:
Fatima? How do you know her name?
Fatima, do you know this man?
Fatima:
No. I, I can’t understand how he knows my name
(The doorbell rings, again.)
Mrs Smith:
I’ll go and open the door. Don’t you think, darling?
Mr Smith:
No, I’ll go.
Mrs Smith:
I’m sorry, darling; but I’ll open the door.
Mr Smith:
Why? Why do you want to open the door? Why is it so important? Why can’t I open
the door?
Grandma:
Simply, because this is my house and because she is my daughter.
Mrs Smith:
And because I want to.
Fatima:
Oh! Don’t worry for the door. I can open the door.
Mustafa:
Of course, she can! And I also can open the door if you want.
Fatima:
Yes! Mustafa also can help you with the door.
Mustafa:
I’m very good at opening doors.
Fatima:
Yes, he is! But he is not very good at closing them.
Mustafa:
Why do you say that, darling? It’s none of their business!
Fatima:
Because you leave the door open!
Grandma:
Oh, does he? Why?
Grandma:
How strange!
Inspector:
It’s strange, yes!
Policeman/woman:
Very strange, indeed!
Mr Smith:
Why do you leave the door open?
Mrs Smith:
I can’t understand why he leaves the door open!
Mr James:
Oh! How strange! He leaves the door open!!!
Grandma:
How strange!
Inspector:
It’s strange, yes!
Policeman/woman:
Very strange, indeed!
11. CAMPRODON SCHOOL (9)
Mrs James:
Oh, dear! Why?
Mustafa:
I accept I leave, sometimes, the door open, but I don’t do it on purpose.
Mrs James:
Oh! I hope you don’t do it on purpose!, but why do you leave the door open? Is
there any reason?
Mustafa:
Sometimes I forget. I don’t remember that I have to close it.
Mrs Smith:
That’s quite common in men.
Mrs James:
It is!
Fatima:
He doesn’t remember. Do you believe him?
Grandma:
How strange!
Inspector:
It’s strange, yes!
Policeman/woman:
Very strange, indeed!
Mr James:
Why do say it’s common in men?
Policeman:
We always close our doors, at the police!
Inspector:
Of course! If the door is open, thieves can escape!
Mrs James:
Oh, excuse me darling. My husband has no problem with our doors.
Mr James:
I can both open and close them.
Mrs James:
He’s got many more problems when he goes to the toilet.
Mr James:
Stop, darling! It’s not a very good item to talk about, don’t you think.
Mrs Smith:
The toilet! The most difficult subject for men!
Mr Smith:
It’s not a difficult subject! The problem is that you can’t understand us.
Grandma:
Of course we can understand you. But you, men, ...
Mr Smith:
Anyway, I’ll go and open the door. It’s getting late.
Mrs. Smith:
Sit down, John. I’ll open the door.
12. MALAGRIDA SCHOOL (10)
(Mrs Smith goes to the door. There’s a fireman)
Mrs Smith:
Good evening, Mr Fire Chief.
Fire Chief:
Good evening.
Mrs Smith:
Good evening. What can we do for you?
Fire Chief:
Is there a fire, here?
Mrs Smith:
Is there a fire, here!??? Why do you ask me that?
Fire Chief:
I have orders to extinguish all the fires in the city. So, Mrs Smith, is there a fire,
here?
Mrs Smith:
I don’t know. Let me ask my husband.
(She goes in)
John, is there a fire, here?
Mr Smith:
A fire? Why do you ask me that?
Mrs Smith:
Mr Fire Chief wants to know.
Inspector
Why does he ask us that?
Mrs Smith:
Mr Fire Chief has orders to extinguish all the fires in the city.
Mr James:
I don’t think we have any fire at all.
Mrs James:
No, of course not. No fire.
Mr Smith:
Mr Fire Chief? Who’s Mr Fire Chief? Who’s at the door?
Mrs Smith:
A fireman. Mr Fire Chief.
Mr Smith:
You must be kidding! A fireman at home? Is it daily routine, as well?
What’s happening, today, in London?
Mrs Smith:
I don’t know. He wants to know if there is a fire in our home.
Mr Smith:
Tell him there’s no fire at all but we have some tea.
Policeman / Policewoman:
Listen, Inspector. It all looks quite strange.
Inspector:
Strange? Why? The fireman is doing his job.
Policeman / Policewoman:
But I don’t understand it, sir. The Fire Chief is asking… for fire?!
Mrs Smith:
All right.
Mr Fire Chief. There’s no fire in my home.
Mr Fire Chief:
Are you sure? It’s very important. You must know that I have orders to
extinguish all the fires in the city.
Mrs Smith:
Yes, I know. But we don’t normally have any fire at home!
Perhaps a cup of tea. Would you like a cup of tea, Mr Fire Chief?
Mr Fire Chief:
No thanks. I’m in a hurry. I have a lot of houses to visit.
(The fireman leaves the stage. A thief appears)
Inspector:
Well. Let’s see.
Mr and Mrs Singateh. Your names are Mustafa and Fatima, aren’t they?
Policeman/woman:
Your names are Mustafa and Fatima, aren’t they?
Mustafa:
Yes, they are…
But I don’t understand…
Inspector:
OK, OK. Don’t worry.
Mustafa, where do you live?
Policeman/woman:
Yes, that’s right! Where do you live?
Mustafa:
Why do you want to know?
Fatima:
That’s right; why do you want to know?
13. EL MORROT SCHOOL (10)
(A thief rushes in. He’s holding a gun in his hand.)
Thief:
Nobody move!
Grandma:
Would you like a cup of tea, sir?
Mr James:
And some biscuits? They are from my mother-in-law.
Mrs James (crying):
Oh, poor mum!
Thief:
Your mother-in-law?
(To the grandma). Are you his mother-in-law?
Mrs Smith:
No, she’s my mother and Mr James is not my husband.
Thief (to Fatima):
And you? Are you his mother-in-law?
Fatima:
No, I’m not.
Mustafa:
No, she’s not. She’s my wife, Fatima. And our daughter is only 5 years old.
Thief:
Then, who’s your mother-in-law? Where is she now?
Mrs James (still crying):
She died last year.
Thief:
And you want me to eat these biscuits? Are you trying to kill me? Do you think
I’m idiot? You think I’m idiot, don’t you?
Inspector:
Don’t worry, sir. They are very good biscuits.
Policeman/woman:
Yes, very good biscuits. They are excellent.
Mr James:
I mean, they are a recipe from her mother. I think it is not difficult to
understand.
Mr Smith:
I agree. It is not difficult to understand. Oh, sorry, I don’t mean you are idiot,
but it’s easy.
Thief:
I repeat: nobody move! Are you deaf?
Mrs Smith (to the thief):
Why do you say that? You see, she’s crying. And, besides, these are delicious
biscuits.
Mr Smith:
Yes, they are her mother’s. I mean, her mother’s recipe.
Fatima:
And our biscuits are also delicious. My great-grandmother recipe!
Mustafa:
No it isn’t. It’s my great-grandmother. Not yours.
Fatima:
Well, it doesn’t matter, darling. The fact is that ours, are delicious biscuits too.
Thief:
I must repeat! Nobody move! And shut up!
Mrs James:
Excuse me, sir. Can I go to the toilet?
Thief:
Toilet? You mean you want to go to the toilet? Is it urgent?
Mr James:
Yes sir. It’s urgent.
Thief:
How do you know it?
Mr James:
She’s my wife. She has to go to the toilet. She’s going to have a baby.
Thief:
Right now? Here?
Mrs James:
No. Not now. Within six months.
Thief:
Six months!? Then it’s not urgent.
14. VOLCÀ BISAROQUES SCHOOL (10)
Oh, I can see a couple of silly policemen to hit a couple of times. What do you think,
dear deaf grandma: I kill them?
Grandma:
No, no... Don’t kill anybody.
Fatima:
No, please; sit down and take a cup of tea. We also have some very good biscuits.
They are delicious with tea.
Thief:
Ha, ha. This is an excellent idea. Give me your biscuits, your tea and all your
money, jewels....
Mr Smith:
I’m sorry sir, but we haven’t got any money at home. I’ve only got my pocket money:
three pounds.
Thief:
What do you think I can do with three pounds?
Mr James:
I always use my credit card. We have no money at all.
Mrs James:
No money at all. Perhaps, some biscuits?
Inspector:
If you want, I have some money in my pocket.
Policeman/woman:
I’m afraid, I have nothing. No money, no funny.
Thief:
Be quiet! Don’t move one finger. I’m getting nervous.
Fatima:
Nervous? Why don’t we take a cup of tea. Tea is good.
Mrs Smith:
Yes! Please, sit down.
Thief:
No. Nobody sit down. And there’s no tea for you. Only for me.
You (refers Fatima), prepare a cup of tea for me.
Fatima:
Ok sir. Would you like some milk?
Thief:
No. No milk. I don’t like it.
(Fatima takes a cup, and pours some tea for the thief.)
You, silly policemen, be quiet. And you (refers Fatima), bring me the cup of tea.
(Fatima walks towards the thief. When she is near him, she acts as if she trips over and
runs into the thief. She hits the thief’s gun and it falls down the floor.)
Thief:
What are you doing?
(Immediately, Mustafa captures the thief. The two policemen are amazed.)
Inspector:
Brilliant! Well done!
Grandma:
Oh Fatima, you are great!
Mr Smith:
Congratulations. We’ve got the thief!
Mrs Smith:
We? You never move a hand, John.
Mr Smith:
Remember the thief’s words: “nobody move”.
Thief:
Nobody move!
(The policeman hits the thief)
15. ESCOLA PIA SCHOOL (10)
Grandma:
Finally, it seems it’s teatime.
Fatima:
Yes. And our biscuits.
Mrs James:
You say these biscuits are from Morocco?
Fatima:
Yes, that’s right!
And your mum’s biscuits…
Mrs James (crying again):
Oh, poor mum…!
Mr James:
Don’t worry, darling. You don’t have to cry.
Fatima:
Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, your biscuits. Do you use unsalted butter?
Mrs James:
Yes, of course! Salted butter, sometimes, becomes bitter.
Fatima:
You are right. Then, if we bake bitter butter, biscuits become bitter. Unsalted butter
is much better.
Mr James:
Much better, yes. Much better.
Grandma:
Here’s your cup of tea, inspector.
Inspector:
Oh, thank you. But I don’t like tea.
All:
You don’t like tea?
Policeman/woman:
This is very strange, inspector. All English men like tea.
Inspector:
But I don’t! Anyway, we only want to see Mr and Mrs Singateh.
Mustafa:
What can we do for you, inspector?
Inspector:
We know that you and your wife work for the police in Morocco.
Policeman/woman:
Do they?
Fatima:
Yes, that’s right, but not now. Now we live in London.
Mr Smith:
You are policemen?
Fatima:
Well. He is a policeman. I am a policewoman.
Mrs Smith:
Oh, how good! Welcome home!
Fatima:
Thank you.
Inspector:
We want you to work for us. We need good detectives in Scotland Yard.
Mustafa:
Oh, thank you. Is it possible?
Inspector:
Tomorrow. At seven o’clock. Sharp.
(The policemen and the thief, leave the stage.)
Mustafa:
OK. Seven o’clock, sharp.
Fatima:
Oh, darling. This is our dream. Now, we can do our job in England.
Mrs Smith:
Congratulations. I’m so happy you are our neighbours. John, you see, Mustafa and
Fatima work in Scotland Yard.
Mr Smith:
Very good. Very good.
I always say that, in England, we have the best police in the world.
