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ENQUIRER!The HOLLENBEAK
ALL THE BEST GOSSIP ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE HOLLENBEAK CELEBRITIES...Hollenbeak Family Abducted by Aliens!!
Our sleuthing reporters have uncovered the terrible
truth of why the Hollenbeak Christmas letter went on
hiatus last year: alien abduction! During the time they
should have been writing their letter they were taken on
board a ship and subjected to all manner of
experimentation and probing. We are back now with two
year’s worth of juicy gossip, although we are still left with a
period of at least one week which we cannot account for.
The rest of the year that
we can remember was
wonderful. As a family we
took a memorable trip to
visit friends and family in
Oklahoma. The stories
about where I grew up
have become legendary
(the burning of the town
Chrismas tree, getting
shot, swinging across
creeks on vines, etc.) to the
kids and they were very
excited to experience the
place as well as visit
Meemaw and Grandpa
Wayne. It was one of the
best vacations we’ve
taken. We also started new
activities this year. Totton joined a martial arts class
(Taekwondo and Hapkido), and eventually the rest of us
followed him. We now have three green belts and three
yellow belts in the family.
Our theme this year is inspired by our favorite tabloid
headlines (“Firefighter fired for fighting fire with fire!” and
“Researcher finds more than 100 businesses that are like
show business!”) We hope you enjoy hearing about our
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year through these sensational
headlines!
Young Girl’s Bones Made Entirely of
Chalk!Madeline had a big year, debuting
on the runway as well as debuting an
original piano and vocal solo in a
theatrical performance. She is still
true to her love for children and
teaching. She continues to babysit
and has also found work as a swim
coach for young children on both a
summer and winter team.
Madeline’s big excitement this
year, though, was turning 16, old
enough to drive and date. To apply for
a date, interested young men may
submit their application form and
nonrefundable application fee to our
current address. Or, you can apply
online at:
www.yourenotgoodenoughformydaughter.
com.
A few weeks before her birthday
Madeline was executing a
straightforward jump kick in our
martial arts class. She landed a little
funny on her left leg and hurt her knee.
We thought it was just a sprain, but
her astute primary care doc asked for
an MRI
and diagnosed a torn ACL. She is
scheduled for surgery on December
15th, which will put off driving and
dating for at least another six months.
As a father, is it wrong for me to be
excited about this?
Boy Genius Linked to Muppet
Scientist Beaker!Asher turned 14 this year. It
seems he has grown up overnight.
One day he’s a little boy, and now he
has a deep voice, large muscles
(which he is happy to show you!) and
must make occasional use of a razor.
Coincidence? You decide…
He continues to develop his
talents. He recently picked up the
guitar and has taught himself to play a
bit. He also started
playing basketball on a
community league, which
is exciting for me since we
now have a sport in
common. He picked up
his first after-school and
weekend job, working part
time at a local cookie
shop - Missy’s Ugly
Cookies. I’ve been
looking forward to the
day I can charge him
rent. One other fun thing Asher did was to attract
the attention of an academic talent search group, who gave him the opportunity to take the ACT college entrance exam as a seventh grader. He took the exam and scored high enough for distinguished honors and to qualify for a scholarship at a local university. So this spring Asher will be taking a college French class for credit.
Dog Whisperer Makes Human
Sacrifice!Asa is now ten years old and in the
fourth grade. He loves to amaze and
disgust us with his remarkable feats of
double-jointedness. His sense of
humor is, as it has always been, more
advanced for his years. This year for
Halloween while his brother and all his
friends wanted to be ninjas, Asa
wanted to be a banana. And as you
can see from the photo, he actually
found a banana costume. Moreover,
he didn’t want to carry a sack for his
treats. Rather, he wanted to stuff the
candy down into the yellow protrusion
in the front of his costume, the piece
he called the “banana hammock”.
“Sometimes we make
sacrifices for a laugh.”
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Asa was given the opportunity this
year to start playing an instrument
(besides the piano, of course) and he
chose the French horn. We love
hearing him practice, and he really
enjoys playing. I asked him one day
whether, now that he is taking the
French horn, would he want to learn to
speak French? He said no, he wanted
to speak German. So I asked, “Why
German?” And he said, “Because
when I grow up I want a German
Shepherd, and Madeline told me they
obey much better when you command
them in their native language.” This
line became an instant family classic.
At Asa’s parent-teacher
conference there was a note, hand-
written on a post it, with a very odd
quote, inside his folder. Kelly asked
what it meant and his teacher told us
the story. The class was given an
assignment to write a letter to Santa.
Asa turned in a very brief letter: “Dear
Santa, For Christmas I would like a
personal chef. Or some reindeer
poop. Love, Asa.” His teacher told
him that he would need to write
something else, because these were
going to be hung up on the wall
outside the classroom for everyone to
see. Asa’s response was written on
the post-it. It says, “That’s okay. It’s
like my dad always says: in our family
sometimes we make sacrifices for a
laugh.” We have the post-it on our
refrigerator. Sacrifices, indeed!
Shrew Tamed!In the past, Totton has served as
the comic relief of our Christmas letter
(think “Fecalangelo”!). Something
happened, however, when he started
school. He became—dare I say it?—
PRAGUE!
“I don’t really love him all that much!”
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manageable! I was bracing myself for
his first parent-teacher conference.
And when his teacher looked at us and
said, “Totton is a gem, and I wish all
my students were just like him,” I was
certain I was in the wrong room. But
that is what he has become.
Totton had been coming home
from school talking about how much
fun he had playing soccer on the
playground. So we signed him up for
a soccer team this fall. He also took
up a second sport this year:
Taekwondo. Looking for a unique
activity for Totton, Kelly signed him up.
He took to it right away and has really
loved it. It looked like so much fun
that Asa got signed up. And then
Kelly signed herself up. At that point it
was cheaper to do a family package,
so now all six of us are taking. But it
all started with Totton.
Totton and Asa are best buddies,
connected at the hip when they are
not at school. A short while ago they
were having a Beyblade competition—
dueling tops. An argument broke out
about whose top was the last still
spinning. It got heated enough that
Kelly intervened, and asked, “Are you
going to let this little thing get in the
way of your love as brothers?” Totton
whined, “Well, I really don’t love him all
that much!” Clearly it was said in the
heat of the argument. They are best
buds.
Motherhood Harder Than Taking Out the Trash!
Kelly and I are both doing well.
I continue to pursue my research
agenda at Penn State. I also try to
play squash, lift weights, and run,
when I am probably getting too old
for these things. At least that is
what I suspect my injuries are trying
to tell me.
Kelly works part time in my
department and takes classes. She
continues her frenzied schedule that
includes early mornings in the gym,
late mornings in the dojo, afternoons
in class, and evenings taxiing children
to basketball, martial arts, swimming,
youth activities, book clubs, and
volunteer fundraising, and generally
putting most superheroes to shame.
Her biggest job is still being mom.
A few weeks ago, Asa caught Kelly off
guard by asking, “Mom, is being a
mom hard?” She thought for a
second and said, “Yes, it’s the hardest
thing I’ve ever done. But it is the most
rewarding thing I’ve ever done.” Asa
thought about this or a second and
then said, “So, is it harder than taking
out the trash?
A highlight of this year for Kelly
and I was an unexpected trip to
Europe. I got invited to give a
presentation at a conference in
Prague. Some sweet friends agreed
to keep our kids, so Kelly came along
and we made a trip of it. Prague may
be our favorite European city. It was
small and manageable, with great
history, great food, great sites, and
wonderful people. Our niece, Kristin,
was studying abroad in Italy, and she
came up with two friends and toured
with us for a couple days, which made
the trip even more memorable.
As I was writing this letter Totton
sidled up to me and put his head on
my shoulder. He had just finished
making some Christmas crafts. With a
faraway look in his eyes he said, “Dad,
the spirit of Christmas has really
touched me this year.” I said, “Oh,
really? What did it say?” And he said,
“That Christmas is all about family and
love and joy.” Then, giggling, he said,
“I think Asa was touched by the spirit
of gameboy.”
We hope you are also touched by
the Spirit of Christmas this year, and
blessed with peace and joy.
With Love, Chris, Kelly, Madeline,
Asher, Asa and Totton