Etiquette of Disagreement

Adaab ul Ikhtilaaf

Single biggest event1. In the history of the Muslims is the

formation of the Brotherhood of Faith2. Transcending boundaries of race, tribe and

family and joined people together on the basis of faith

3. This was and is the greatest strength of Muslims

And it is what we need to revive urgently

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Basis of Brotherhoodكم فاعبدون إن هذه أمتكم أمة واحدة وأنا رب

Anbiya 21: 92. Truly! This, your Ummah is one Ummah, and I am your Rabb, therefore worship Me.

قون كم فات وإن هذه أمتكم أمة واحدة وأنا ربMuminoon 23:52. And verily! This your Ummah is one Ummah and I am your

Rabb, so have my Taqwa

Brotherhood of Faith – not race, nationality or tribe

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• Abu Hurairah said that Rasoolullahملسو هيلع هللا ىلص said :, “Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the greatest falsehood. Do not try to find fault with each other, do not spy on one another, do not vie with one another, do not envy one another, do not be angry with one another, do not turn away from one another, and be slaves of Allahهلالج لج, brothers to one another, as you have been enjoined.”

• “A Muslim is the brother of a Muslim, he does him no wrong, nor does he let him down, nor does he despise him. Fear of Allahهلالج لج is here, fear of Allahهلالج لج is here, and he pointed to his chest. It is evil enough that a Muslim should look down on his brother. For every Muslim is sacred to one another : his blood, his honor, and his property. Allahهلالج لج does not look at your bodies or your forms, or your deeds, but He looks at your hearts.” ( Bukhari, Muslim )

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ما المؤمنون إخوة فأصلحوا بين إنكم ترحمون ه لعل قوا الل أخويكم وات

Hujuraat 49:10. The believers are brothers (in Islam). So make

reconciliation between your brothers, and fear Allah, that you

may receive mercy.

Conflicts destroy brotherhood

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1. Narrated Abu Hurairah that Rasoolullahملسو هيلع هللا ىلص said, “The doors of the Garden are opened on Monday and Thursday. Every Muslim slave who does not associate anything with Allahهلالج لج is forgiven except for the man who has enmity between him and his brother. It is said, 'Leave these two until they have made a reconciliation. Leave these two until they have made a reconciliation.” Malik Book 47:4:17

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Justice is the Basisذين آمنوا كونوا قوامين بالقسط ها ال يا أيشهداء لله ولو على أنفسكم أو الوالدين

ا أو فقيرا فالله أولى واألقربين إن يكن غنيبعوا الهوى أن تعدلوا وإن تلووا أو بهما فال تت

تعرضوا فإن الله كان بما تعملون خبيرا

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Justice = accept your mistakes

Nisa 4:135 O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allâh, even

though it be against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, be he rich or poor, Allâh is a Better Protector to both (than you). So follow

not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you may avoid justice, and if you distort your witness or

refuse to give it, verily, Allâh is Ever Well Acquainted with what you do

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Essential Conditions1. Focus only on pleasing Allahهلالج لج 2. Genuine desire to resolve the conflict3. Willingness to accept own fault and forgive

others4. Skill in conflict resolution5. Willingness to seek help if necessaryWithout this no resolution is possible

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Accept these facts1. Conflicts continue because both sides

benefit from the conflict situation2. Breaking the cycle is neither easy nor

painless, but is essential to break free3. Harmony will be genuinely beneficial and is

worth the trouble

Acquire the skills to resolve conflicts

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Games People Play ~ Eric Berne, MD

Adult

ChildParent

• You made me do it• You hurt me• Got you now!• Yes, But…..• Why don’t you….

Adult: Own Responsibility for

yourself

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تي ئة ادفع بال ي وال تستوي الحسنة وال السه ذي بينك وبينه عداوة كأن هي أحسن فإذا ال

 ولي حميمذين صبروا وما يلقاها إال ذو وما يلقاها إال ال

حظ عظيم

Formula for making friends

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Fussilat 41: 34-3534. The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (be patient and

excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will

become) as though he was a close friend. 35. But none is granted it (the above quality) except

those who are patient, and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of the happiness in the

Hereafter) Only possible if you own responsibility

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Method1. Hear both sides of the story2. Show WiiFM to both parties3. Be fair and just as we are answerable to

Allahهلالج لج Who knows everything4. Check your own Niyyah frequently

Allahهلالج لج is merciful to those who show mercy

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How real is Jannah?1. Narrated Abu Umamah that Rasoolullahملسو هيلع هللا ىلص

said, “I guarantee a house in the surroundings of Jannah for a man who avoids quarrelling even if he were in the right, a house in the middle of Jannah for a man who avoids lying even if he were joking, and a house in the upper part of Jannah for a man who made his character good.”

Sunan Abi Dawood, Kitab al-Adab (# 4800) Al-Albani – HasanWhat if the one promising was not Rasoolullahملسو هيلع هللا ىلص?

واعتصموا بحبل الله جميعا وال قوا تفر  

A’al Imraan 3: 103: Hold tight to the rope of Allahهلالج لج together

and do not be divided

  تختلفوا Didn’tالsay

There’s a world of difference between

differing and opposition

How our Salaf behaved1. Abdullah ibn Abbas used to say, ‘I don’t

know if he will find this among his good deeds or his bad deeds.’

2. Imam Malik used to say, ‘We don’t say that something is Haraam except what Allahهلالج لج called Haraam in His Kitab.’

Remember that neither party is receiving Wahi

Imam Ash-Shafi ® said…1. ‘I believe that I am correct with the

possibility of being mistaken. And that my brother is incorrect with the possibility of being correct.’

2. This is the position of all our A’aimma

Humility is the safety net that saves us from arrogance and the anger of

Allahهلالج لج

4 – reminders while differing1. Difference of opinion indicates interest and

commitment. Appreciate this and express thanks2. Stating your opinion as absolutely correct is

wrong3. Don’t criticize the other opinion or person4. Simply state your perspective politely, with

evidenceAllahهلالج لج will humiliate the person who insults and humiliates his brother

Knowledge must make us humble. Knowledge that

produces arrogance is the knowledge of Shaytaan

Our Salaf never maligned each other

What must you do?1. Separate people from issues

Differentiate between criticism and critique

2. Conflict shows the willingness to engage

It is the single most reliable sign of commitmentThe best sparring partner is the one who gives you a good fight

Critique is not criticism Critical Analysis is to separate

1. Reason from Emotion2. Logic from Ego3. Person from Action

Disagree without being disagreeable

Me

You

Problem

Me You

Helps 1. Genuinely respect the other person2. Appreciate their commitment3. Active Listening to understand them4. Willingness to change own opinion5. Explore alternatives6. Look for mutual benefit – Win/Win

Conflict is a sign of commitment

Hinders1. Hypocrisy – acting can’t be sustained2. Closed minds3. Arrogance – looking down on others4. Ego – My way or the highway5. Lack of patience6. Not enough homework

Do you want to win or do you want a solution?

How our Salaf differed

Learning from our own history

Differences between Sahaba1. Praying Asr at Banu Qaynuqa2. Not fasting while traveling (Ibn Abbas RA)3. Ibn al Jawzi (Maliki) studied under Ibn Al Arabi

(Hanbali) who studied under Imam Ash-Shafi and Imam Al-Ghazali

4. Imam Ahmad studied under Imam Ash-Shafi who studied under Imam Malik ibn Anas and Imam Muhammad a student of Imam Abu Hanifa

Difference of opinion is not new. Extremism is

Sayyidina Ali bin Abi Talib1. Did not declare Khawarij – Kuffar2. Sent Abdullah ibn Abbas to debate with

them3. Went himself to talk to them4. Only went to war when they killed Abdullah

bin Khabbab ibn Al Arat and his entire family

He defeated them but still didn’t call them Kuffaar

Differences between A’aimma

1. Meeting of Imam Abu Hanifa (R) and Imam Malik (R)

1. Hypothetical questions • Abu Hanifa ® conceptualised 60,000 situations

2. Ijma’a – Consensus of opinion of scholars• Not the people of Madinah alone

3. Opinions based on Ahadith• Abu Hanifa ® has extracted 100 lessons from a

single HadithAl-Layth Ibn-Sa’ad ® was witness to the meeting

Opinions about each other1. Imam Malik ® wiped his brow and said, “By

Allahهلالج لج, Abu-Hanifa made me sweat.  By Allahهلالج لج, he is a true jurist. I’ve never seen a man debating like that.  By Allahهلالج لج, if he told you that this iron rod is made out of gold, he would convince you.”

2. Imam Abu-Hanifa ® who said, “I debated hundreds of men, but have never seen a man accept the truth as fast as him.”

When Al-Layth Ibn-Sa’ad ® asked them about each other

Then…1. First, Imam Abu-Hanifa ® sent his son Hammaad to

Madinah to learn the jurisprudential approach of Malik and his book ‘Al-Mu’atta’. 

2. Then, Imam Malik ® asked for the books of Abu-Hanifa to benefit from them. 

3. Muhammad Ibnul-Hassan, a student of Abu-Hanifa’s, held a session in Iraq to present the approach of Malik. 

Not a single instance of them condemning each other

Abbassi Khalifa Al-Mansour 1. Imam Malik ® who once rejected all opinions

except those of the people of Madinah told him not to do so because the companions of Rasoolullahملسو هيلع هللا ىلص are spread all over the world.

2. Those were Abu-Hanifa ®’s words from their meeting.  Offered to have Al Mua’tta

inscribed in gold and kept inside the Ka’aba

Maulana Abul Hasan Ali Nadwi ®At the inauguration of the Tabligh Markaz in Dewsbury, Bradford Ml. Abul Hasan Ali Nadwi ® advised as follows:1. This is a new world. A new earth and a new sky. Don’t

import your differences from your home countries into this land.

2. Don’t isolate yourself from the people of the land because the life of the Muslim is the best Da’awa.

3. Participate in politics because if you don’t, decisions about your future will be made by others.

Real respect for scholars is to follow their teachings

Exercise1. Think of real life situations and list four key

benefits of difference of opinion2. Think about how you would have lost if

there had been no difference of opinion

Difference of opinion is a blessing

Exercise1. In case of a difference of opinion, what will

you do?2. Please create four cardinal rules

1. 2. 3. 4. Is our problem today, difference

of opinion or the inability to handle it?

“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to

say it.” ~ Evelyn Beatrice Hall