Standing Up For Your Point Of View: Relationship Argumentation

Conflict: If done effectively, it should be encouraged!

Conflict Isn’t What You Think Many people think that arguing is “bad” and should be

avoided at all costs, when that’s actually incorrect. Effective argumentation in relationships can strengthen them as long as certain tactics are avoided.

Family therapist Paula Hill explains some of the reasons that arguing can be destructive.

When two people have arguments about things that are currently happening, but remind them of something that happened in the past, an argument occurs.

This argument will happen over and over until the issue is properly resolved.

Unresolved Issues

Sensitive Issues

When people don’t talk about the sticky or taboo issues in a relationship.

The best way to overcome this is to discuss them more. Seems wrong, but it makes the issue less sensitive.

When a couple fights about something such as who cleans what in a home, it may be more about one person feeling overwhelmed with their level of responsibility and feels less than in their relationship.

Fighting for Your Deeper Needs

When a couple uses arguments as a way to fight and then get to a hidden payoff.

If a couple fights about something, but then has “makeup sex”, the arguments get reinforced as a way to get to something that is ultimately wanted. Usually it’s because one person wants to feel loved.

Hidden Payoffs

When a couple argues about finances, bringing up the fact that the other person is always tardy, won’t help and will only embolden the other person.

Make sure to stick to the issue at hand, and don’t use this as a time to bring anything else up.

Failure to Stick to Issues

Compromise needs to be an integral part of a successful relationship, so it’s important to take the needs of your partner into account.

If one person would like to save money for a house, but the other feels more stress by not paying off debt first, it may be important to pay down some debt and save some money. The more compromise on your part, the more likely the other person is to compromise.

Not Wanting to Compromise

Take into account good and bad times to bring issues up.

If you know your partner isn’t a night person, don’t bring up an important issue right before going to sleep.

Poor Timing

This is when an argument starts with one issue and keeps changing topic.

Make sure to stay on topic when arguing.

Garbage-Bagging

Don’t ever play psychologist! It’s inappropriate to pretend that you can “diagnose” your partner when talking about an issue.

Be there for your partner and be supportive, but also make sure to bring up issues that bother you.

Playing Psychologist

This is when an argument gets heated and the fighting gets “dirty.” Make sure to keep things “clean” and don’t bring up issues or say things that you are saying ONLY to inflame your partner.

Winning at all Costs

This is when the argument turns into a competition over who’s kinder, more decent, understanding, etc. Keep on topic and don’t bother establishing who is better or worse.

Relationships aren’t moral competitions.

Claiming the Moral High Ground

Assuming both parties in a relationship keep the aforementioned things in mind, arguments can be constructive and productive.

Conclusion