Family Crisis and Energy Expression(50 slides)

creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth

Stages and Phases of a Crisis:

• Homeostasis• Crisis• Denial• Anger• Bargaining• Depression• Acceptance• Homeostasis

Family crisis that is external…

• External family crisis are events that happen too the family such as divorce, financial failure/bankruptcy, death, accidents, illnesses, child birth, violence, crime, etc.

• The coping skills a family needs to cope with such crisis are: communication skills, flexibility of paradigms, support systems of family/church, financial options, openness to change, access to feelings, etc.

• External stress events are a part of living.

Family crisis that is internal…

• Family crisis that is internal is more of a process than an event. The processing of the energies is what many internal family crisis revolve around.

• The inappropriate processing of anger (abuse, violence, withdrawal, abandonment, etc.) is but one example.

• Internal family crisis can be prepared for and prevented if the family (the adults) desires.

Appropriate energy expression:

• Energy expression, talking about the emotions and feeling behind our personas can be a difficult if not impossible task.

• Energy scares people in this culture as we have been socialized to view it as weak, bad and bordering on evil.

• Many people grow up in families that did not talk about their energies and in fact had rules and relationship that forbade its expressions.

When energy is not appropriately expressed…

• The energies go sour, get repressed, denied, swell, become defended, get bonded to other events, people or experiences (sublimated) and leak out in other areas of life.

• It’s not enough to just talk about the energies but one has to understand their origins and historical meaning in their lives.

• Our own redundant experiences with energies will determine our present behavior.

I am going to make a case for:

• The inability to appropriately express and deal with our energies is what the majority of family dysfunction and crisis is about.

• Family health and homeostasis would be possible if we had the skill, wisdom and history to be intimate with self and significant others.

• The sad reality is that most of us, if not all, have neither the skill, wisdom, history or desire to be intimate with ourselves, let alone others…

Intimacy…

• The sharing of feelings, energies and emotions.• The perceived positive ones (joy, contentment, happiness)

as well as the perceived negative ones ( anger, sadness, fear).

• Self and other intimacy is the basis for the identity and boundary constructs of the self and other.

When energy is not expressed appropriately within the family it destroys and corrodes

the relationships of the same. Children can process the energies of life if given half a chance. Safety is critical and essential!

A CHILD’S EXAMPLE...

• A CHILD’S CONGRUENCE: Temper tantrum... And 3 minutes later they have forgotten and are on with their life

• AN ADULT’S PRETENSE: “I’m not mad, no it’s fine.” And 3 days later they are still rehearsing and obsessing and angry about the injustice and their own dishonesty in dealing with it.

Since families shut down energy expression…

• The children learn to pretend, shut down and participate in the fantasy bond.

• Parents could mirror for their children and model appropriate energy expression but they have not a clue- due to their own childhood energy shut down.

• Parents shut down their children for the same reason they shut down themselves-they believe it is right because they were shut down!

• They have idealized and mythologized their own childhoods.

Feelings are to be noticed and labeled...

• Pain.................................Compassion• Anger............................Strength• Fear................................Wisdom• Guilt..............................Conscience• Happiness................….Joy• Sadness.......................Grieve

Feelings are not to be fixed.

If a child is experiencing energies:

• If a child is experiencing energies the other may simply ‘mirror’ for the child by saying, “Its important to have access to your energy of sadness, and if you want to talk about it I am here for you.”

• Or “It’s ok to have access to your energy of anger but we do not hit people in this family!”

“Often anger is a sign of engagement with life. People who are angry are touched deeply by the events of their lives and feel strongly about them, as an emotion, it has its limitations and it certainly has very bad press, but my

experience with ill people suggests that there is something healthy about it. Certainly the cancer studies by Levy, Temoshak and Greer suggests that many people who recover become angry first. Anger is just a demand

for change, a passionate wish for things to be different. It can be a way to reestablish important boundaries and assert personal integrity in the face of a body and life

altering disease. And, as it was for me, it may be the first expression of the will to live. Anger becomes a problem

for people only when they become wedded to it as a way of life.”

Rachel Remen, Kitchen Table Wisdom, p.114

Now an apology…

• If some of you were raised in healthy homes where the energies of life flowed freely, spontaneously and appropriately– then forgive me– this lesson is not for you.

• It is for the others that were not so fortunate and blessed (lucky?) as yourself.

• If this lesson defends you and makes you agitated though, maybe something else is going on.

• Please volunteer to share your experience of energy expression with the class if it was a good one, as we are in need of healthy models.

The spiritual disconnect…

• Since our energies are part of the divine blue- print and we were created in the image of God and since we worship a god of body and passions then…

• When we are shamed for our energies and get embarrassed and punished for having them we have a tendency to start ignoring them and pretending that we are not experiencing our own reality.

• This pretending leads to an isolation and loss of self.

Being shamed for who we are…

• Shame is an energy that teaches a person that they are the mistake!

• It is a form of spiritual violence.• When we are shamed for something, like crying,

the two are bonded together. When ever I cry I feel shame. It can happen with any behavior/event.

• Shaming takes on the inner voice of the parent or source person. “What’s wrong with you!?”

Toxic shame…

• Shame is the most destructive parenting behavior there is. It is an attack upon the soul, spirit and body.

• It perpetuates perfectionism as a technique to deny the flawed sense of being that shame creates.

• And perfectionism destroys spirituality and replaces it with a trite and mechanistic notion of rigid religious activity.

Isn’t it interesting…

• …That most of us know cognitively who we are-- but do not feel it within our hearts.

• …That there is typically much contempt and disgust about how we feel about our self.

• …That we have an intellectual awareness of our spiritual origins but our behavior gives us away about how we authentically feel about ourselves.

Embracing Life…

• “It is Satan who seeks to numb the senses. Men are that they might have joy.” Bruce C. Hafen

• “We are half hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” C.S. Lewis

• “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” Jesus

Spiritual abuse occurs…

• When parents or others shame us for being created in God’s image (energies, feelings and emotions) and are then punished for having/experiencing those energies.

• We are soon turned against ourselves and see ourselves as the enemy that must be dominated and controlled at all costs. (energies are bad and need to be done away with)

• This “divided house” cannot stand the contempt and hatred that it experiences toward its own nature and essence. It shuts down to survive.

Loss of Sanctuary…

• This is known as “sanctuary trauma” when a child is made to relinquish her hold on reality and pretend to feel and experience life according to another person.

• It is the spiritual crisis of a broken relationship with the self- since it is this relationship that is the foundation of the spiritual life of the person.

Some common family rules…

• Don’t get angry.• Don’t get upset.• Don’t cry.• Be nice.• You will respect me.• Don’t talk back.• Don’t get into trouble.

• Don’t make us look bad.• Be loyal to the family do not betray us.• Stay in control.• Don’t talk about our problems with others.• Don’t ask questions.

Some common family messages…

• Shame on you.• Big boys don’t cry.• You’re weird.• What’s the matter with you.• Stop being selfish.• Hurry up.• Stop acting stupid.

• Of course we love you.• Your mother and I love

you.• You’re driving me crazy.• You’ll be the death of me

yet.• Nice girls don’t act that

way.

When energy is stuffed…

• When energy is stuffed it creates stress due to sanctuary trauma (the spiritual disconnect of a child).

• The stress creates an elevated hormonal state which takes the organism out of a homeostatic state.

• The child will then engage in any behavior which mood alters and helps him or her to get relief from the dissonant condition.

• The resulting mood altering behavior becomes addictive and secondary process stress is then originated and the problems multiply.

The bottom line!

• We are scared and afraid of our energies!• We shut them down to self protect because they create anxiety

in us.• Somebody is going to get hurt! Something bad is going to

happen! • My fear keeps me out of myself and disconnected… non

intimate.• I can intellectualize all I want but I cannot embrace my

energies… I am as a frightened child.

Family Crisis…

• Family crisis occurs when the energies that have been bottled up for so long explode out of their prisons and flood the people with volcanic forces of hate, fear, anger and violence.

• This energy is so caustic and damaging that “it” is the crisis not the triggering external event.

The problem is in our paradigms.

• It is our popular paradigms of energy expression that create the atmosphere that nurtures the interior crisis of families, marriages and self.

• Energy created needs processed and expressed and you can learn to do it in a way that is life affirming and honest.

• Inner family crisis does not need to end in physical-spiritual violence and destructive encounters.

Coping with family crisis…• Coping with family crisis begins in your own heart and with your

own life.• How can you hope to be able to cope with the energies of crisis

if you are unable to process the energies of everyday life.• You cope by processing. Processing is coping. Stuffing is

shutting down… not coping. Running away is not coping. Hiding is not coping. Being defended and hard is not coping.

Family Coping Behaviors…

• Religiosity: is the process of being religious as determined by engaging in the behaviors dictated by the religion as in church attendance, service, rituals and the like.

• Spirituality: is the relationship you have with self, others and God as determined by your own spiritual promptings.

• Note: Many in our society have a tendency to confuse the two…

Religious families…

• For many religious families the tendency to become rigid in their religiosity is overwhelming. The religious guidelines become fodder for manipulating, shaming and beating up families members who are not supportive of the family religious themes and objectives.

• In these families, their religion becomes part of the stressful environment.

Spiritual families…

• Spiritual families are respectful of the process of life and do not attempt to control it. They have faith in the workings of God and realize that the profoundness of life simply escapes most of us. Because of that, faith is necessary.

• Spiritual families embrace their members and leave judgment for others.

The codes…

• Religiosity is a code concerned with performance and purity.• Spirituality is a code concerned with compassion and mercy.

Using Christ’s life as a model which do you think He was most concerned with? And you?

Both may help during trauma stress… but one may do damage.

• Religiosity that has turned rigid is often broken against the crises of life… controlling, judgmental obsessive behaviors are often manifestations of rigid religiosity.

• Religious obligations and functions come before the needs and desires of the family members.

• Members feel judged and only valued for the roles they may play within the family.

When religion becomes the addiction and stress…

• Some use religion the way other people use drugs, work, alcohol, gambling, etc. to mood alter, escape and make themselves feel better.

• The Pharisees of old are the best addictive example of compulsive –obsessive religious behavior that is antithetical to Christ and his Gospel.

Family Science Review, Vol. 2, #4. Sept. 1989, p.317-326 Thomas W. Roberts.

“Religious Addiction and The Family System”• 1. Escapes from painful reality via the super natural.• 2. Reliance on religious dogma instead of personal moral

responsibility.• 3. Uncritical of belief system and intolerable of others who are.• 4. Religious addiction usually preceded by other addictions.

You can judge for your self…• You can judge for your self what role religion and spirituality

play in your life.• Religion belongs to the outer kingdom.• Spirituality belongs to the inner kingdom.• It would be best to have membership in both kingdoms.

Your spiritual reserves…

• Your spiritual reserves of a compassionate embrace of who you are and to what happened to you via the crisis may invite the power of God into your life and family.

• Your spiritual nature is not determined by engaging in outward ritual but is rather the breaking open of your heart to the depth of your true-eternal divinity and by surrendering your life to Christ… which includes your preoccupation with control and power.

The moral of the story.

• People, who are open, grounded and spiritually connected can cope with any and all crises that life might deliver up to them.

• Spiritually connected people honor their divine origins and when energies come from crisis- they surrender their control for the human experience of suffering, anger, sadness, rage, terror, fear…all appropriately and honestly experienced.

For as the scriptures teach us…

I want to explore one more very important idea that may be difficult for some to absorb.

That many perfectionistic and controlling Rigid Religious homes are actually the underlying cause of family members turning towards

addictive substances, activities and relationships.

Unintended consequences…

• Many parents (wounded and in denial themselves) will attempt to manipulate and coerce their children into obedient behaviors. This psychological coercion is destructive and contributes to a sense of worthlessness and overwhelming judgment that weighs heavily upon the child’s soul.

• In an attempt to medicate themselves, the children will often turn to activities that lead them into eating disorders, sexual acting out, rebellion and loss of selfhood.

Too many LDS homes more closely resemble the plan that Lucifer had concocted up in defiance of the Father’s Plan- remember he wanted to make sure that no one was lost-

and he would get the honor and glory.

Rigid, perfectionistic, controlling homes may look good from the outside but from the inside they are demeaning, disrespectful and confiscate from the child that which is

most sacred- a sense of their innate value apart from the meeting the unrealistic expectations of wounded and

immature parents.

Now for some suggestions…

• Create family rules for safety.• Create family values for meaning.• Create a family schedule that will buffer the busy and

hurried syndromes.• Learn to say no to other ego demands and invitations.• Filter out the cultural influences that are destructive. (take

my morals class..they may not be what you think they are!)

Make your home… (beware of the dogmatic rhetoric)

• A sanctuary…• A place to relax and be lazy…• A place to safely act out energies…• A place to feel safe and accepted…• A place where people are not allowed to hurt and harass

others…• A place where the important things are not at the mercy

of the unimportant…

FAMILY RULES

• No family abuse of self or others: emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual.

• No family violence of self or others: we do not hurt people or destroy things in our family.

• No family violations of privacy or territory: respect of self and others is what boundaries are all about.

Secrets of strong families...

• 1. COMMITMENT: Family is first.• 2. COMMUNICATION: They talk about their issues.• 3. TIME: They spend quantities of time together.• 4. SPIRITUAL WELLNESS: They have spiritual values

and concerns for other people.• 5. COPING WITH CRISIS: They have skills to cope

and change.

Values of a healthy family...

• 1. A legal system: Rules, boundaries, and moral thinking.

• 2. An economy: Work, support, sharing the energy of money.

• 3. Traditions: Daily, weekly and yearly.

“Family Freedoms”

by Virginia Satir• 1. The freedom to see and hear.• 2. The freedom to think what one thinks.• 3. The freedom to feel what one feels.• 4. The freedom to want what one wants.• 5.. The freedom to imagine.• 6. The freedom to make mistakes. (my addition)

the end