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Building Relationships with Your StepchildrenBy: Family First Staff

Whether you are just beginning a blended family, or have been in one for awhile, you knowthat there are many difficult adjustments that both parents and children must go through.Oftentimes stepparents have a hard time understanding their stepchildren and how to reachout to them. The may become frustrated when their expectations of a loving family aren'tmet. In the book, You're a Stepparent... Now What?, author Joseph Cerquone givespractical pointers for stepparents on attempting to build a positive relationship with theirstepchildren.

Watch Out for Unrealistic Expectations. Many stepparents feel the pressure to maketheir new family into a perfect one. However, with the stresses of the previous marriages,finances, custody battles and the adjustments to a new living situation, reality oftenpresents a different scenario. Take small steps in building a relationship with yourstepchildren. Focus on building a respect from them before you expect them to have aloving relationship with you.

Encourage Openness. One thing a stepparent can do is to let the members of the familyknow that they can express their emotions and discuss their fears and insecurities. ButCerquone warns not to expect the children to confide in you early on. They will most likelyonly confide in their parent at first.

Be Supportive. Recognize the importance of your stepchildren's relationship with the"other" parent. Do not seek to replace them, but rather focus on creating a new relationshipwith your stepchildren. And be sure to be yourself.

Be Sure to Partner with Your Spouse. You and your spouse will need to be in constant,open communication about the family. Be mutually supportive of each other and make jointdecisions regarding the family. Make sure the children know you are united in yourdecisions.

Let the Parent Discipline. Cerquone encourages that especially in the early days of thenew family, the parent to do the disciplining, not the stepparent. He says that, "Before youcan be an active disciplinarian, you have to earn something more than your stepchildren'sperfunctory respect. Until they know you and trust you better, you can't expect them tolisten to you simply because you are now the new dad or mom in the house." That doesn'tmean you will never be the disciplinarian, but Cerquone warns to start the process slowly.In the beginning, a stepparent should be actively involved in the rule-making, but not in thedisciplining when the rules are broken. And be sure to present the house rules as a jointdecision, so that the stepparent is not seen as the villain.

http://www.familyfirst.net/parenting/stepparent.htm 7/28/2005

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Don't Turn Your Stepchildren into Scapegoats. Cerquone warns that while stepchildren(particularly those in the pre-teen and teen years) can be frustrating, be sure not to blamethem for all the problems in your family or relationship with your spouse. Ask yourself if theirattitudes and actions are the true problem, or if you more frustrated with something else -finances, your own feelings of being an outsider, or the way your spouse is ineffectivelydisciplining the children?

Maintain a Sense of Humor. Particularly if you have teens in the house, it will be crucial tomaintain a positive attitude. Cerquone says, "A sense of humor will... refresh you as astepparent... Humor will help you treat teen behavior as something other than the end of theworld." Save your energy for important things by not taking the little things too seriously. Tryto have fun with your stepchildren. Cerquone suggests: "Think about occasionally makingyour points with your stepkids in light ways, for example. Write your concerns in a funnycard or an amusing note. Or forget about making any points and just take your stepchildrenout for some fun. See a comedy at the movies or spend the day at an amusement park..."

Be Persistent. The process of becoming "family like" will not happen overnight. In fact,therapist Patricia Papernow cautions that it may take several years. But keep working at it,because the benefits of your relationships with your stepchildren will be worth it.

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This article is based on the book, You're A Stepparent... Now What? A Guide to Parentingin Families With Nonbiological Children, by Joseph Cerquone. To order this book from our

Family eStore, click here. Your contribution will help support the work of Family First.

http://www.familyfirst.net/parenting/stepparent.htm 7/28/2005