FIELD The cynic's rules of conduct 1907

7/29/2019 FIELD The cynic's rules of conduct 1907

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JC

SOUTHERN

REGIONAL

LIBRA


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THE CYNIC'SRULES OF CONDUCT


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TheCynic's Rules of

ConductBY

CHESTER FIELD, Jr.

PHILADELPHIAHENRY ALTEMUS COMPANY


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Copyright, 1905, byHenry Altemus

Entered at Stationers' Hall


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THE CYNIC'SRULES OF CONDUCT

GO to the Aunt, thousluggard, and offer herten off on your legacy for spotcash.

pHE difference between a badbreak and a faux pas in-

dicates the kind of society youare in.

(7)

2067304


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TH E CYNIC'SWHEN alone in Paris

behave as if all the worldwere your mother-in-law.

f 8)


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RULES OF CONDUCTREMEMBER, too, that

perhaps you are not thesort of husband that Fatherused to make.*V7"OU may refer to her cheeks

as roses, but the man whosends her American beauties willleave you at the post.

(9)


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THE CYNIC'SAwoman should dress tomake men covetous andwomen envious.

(IO)


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RULES OF CONDUCTEVEN Cupid crosses his

fingers at what he hearsby moonlight.

AFTER marriage you mayspeak of her temper; but

during courtship you had betterrefer to it as temperament.

do


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THE CYNIC'SwHEN dinners entice theeconsent thou not.

(12)


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RULES OF CONDUCTTHE position of the hostessshould be at the doorwayof the drawing-room to receiveher guests. The position of herhusband should be at his officedesk making the money to payfor the blow-out.TT is safer to do business with

jailbirds than with relatives.

(13)


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THE CYNIC'SDISCUSS family scandals

before the servants. Weshould always be kind to thelower classes.

(14)


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RULES OF CONDUCTWHEN children paw a

visitor's gown with theircandied fingers the proper ob-servation for the mother tomake is: "My children are soaffectionate."

DE PRIMAND your servantsbefore your guests. It shows

your authority.

(15)


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THE CYNIC'STHE chief duty of the bestman is to prevent thegroom from escaping before theceremony.

(16)


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RULES OF CONDUCTIN marching up the aisle tothe altar the bride carrieseither a bunch of flowers or aprayer book. Her father carriesa bunch of money or a chequebook.

(~)N returning from the altarbe careful not to step on the

bride's train. There's troubleenough ahead without that.

(17)


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THE CYNIC'SDON'T blow your ownhorn when you can getsome one else to blow it for you.

( 18 )


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RULES OF CONDUCTKEEP your servants in goodhumor, if you can butkeep your servants.

yOUR conduct in an elevatorshould be governed by cir-

cumstances. Should the lady'shusband remove his hat keepyours on. Should he fail toremove it, take your hat off.This will embarrass him.

(19)


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THE CYNIC'SNEVER put in the collec-

tion box less than ten percent, of the amount you tipyour waiter at luncheon.

(20)


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RULES OF CONDUCTy^T afternoon funerals wear

JLjL a frock coat and top hat.Should the funeral be your own,the hat may be dispensed with.TT is never in good taste to

indulge in personal pleasant-ries, such as referring to a lady'sartificial teeth as her collectionof porcelains.

(21)


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THE CYNIC'SBEWARE of the man who

never buys a gold brick.The chances are that he sellsthem.

(22)

rt


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RULES OF CONDUCTINDORSE checks about two

inches from the end. Don'tindorse notes at all.

T^TO house should be withoutits guest-chamber. Besides

giving one's home an air ofhospitality, it makes an admirablestore-room for dilapidated furni-ture and unspeakable pictures.

(23)


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THE CYNIC'STHERE is only one worse

break than asking a womanher age: it is looking incredulous when she tells it.

(24)


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RULES OF CONDUCTIT is not good form to re-hearse your domestic diffi-culties in public, but it is mightyinteresting to your auditors.

T^TEVER leave a guest alonefor a moment. Force your

entertainment upon him evenif you have to use chloroform.

(35)


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THE CYNIC'SIF you would have a sereneold age never woo a girlwho keeps a diary.

(6)


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RULES OF CONDUCTWHEN you are inclined to

be haughty, rememberthat a cook in the kitchen isworth two in the employmentoffice.

A chef is a cook who gets aL salary instead of wages.

(37)


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THE CYNIC'SIT is better form for a brideto take her wedding journeywith the groom than with thecoachman.

(28)


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RULES OF CONDUCTUNDER no circumstances

associate with persons whowear detachable cuffs. Suchmen are usually trying to getrich at the expense of thewasherwoman.TITHEN crossing the Atlantic

no gentleman will rockthe boat.

(39)


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THE CYNIC'STAKE care of the luxuriesand the necessities willtake care of themselves.

(3)


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RULES OF CONDUCTTHOSE who live in glass

houses should be politeto reporters.

"117* HEN in a hurry to get tothe poor house, take the

road that leads through thebucket shop and passes the racetrack.

(3i)


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THE CYNIC'ScONDENSED milk shouldbe used in a small flat.

02)


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RULES OF CONDUCTTELL your rich relationshow fast you are makingmoney your poor ones, howfast you are losing it.TN taking soup try not to give

others the impression that theplumbing is out of order.

(33)


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THE CYNIC'SWMHMDIiMWiMMIIHHMHBiWHEN giving a studio tea,remember that thereshould be soft lights and harddrinks.

(34)


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RULES OF CONDUCTESCHEW the racetrack

and the roulette table.Faro is a squarer game thaneither.

1JEWARE of indiscriminatecharity. You will never getyour name in the paper by giving

a tramp the price of a meal.

(35)


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THE CYNIC'SBEFORE marriage thefashionable tint for eye-g asses is rose ftlter marriagesmoked glasses should be worn.

(36)


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RULES OF CONDUCTIF you would make a lifelongfriend of a man who livesin a hall bedroom, accuse himof leading a double life.

]VTO sportsman will shoot crapsduring the closed season.

( 37)


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THE CYNIC'SCOMPLIMENTS paid a

woman behind her backgo farthest and are rememberedlongest.

( 38)


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RULES OF CONDUCTAvoid having business re-

lations with a man whoseI. O. U. is not as good as hisnote; but take his note bypreference.

TXTHEN playing poker, it isas bad form to wear acoat as it is to be shy.

()


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THE CYNIC'STHE father gives the brideaway, but the small brotherwould like to.

(40)


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RULES OF CONDUCTIN the best society it is con-sidered snobbish to wear adisguise when entertainingcountry cousins. Simply takethem to places where you willnot encounter your friends.

AT the tables of the verywealthy, brook trout have

given place to gold fish.

(40


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THE CYNIC'STO get on in society awoman should cultivaterepose and a few prominentsocial leaders.

(43


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RULES OF CONDUCTWHEN angry count ten

before you speak. When"touched" count one thousandbefore you lend.F N entering a crowded car, a

lady should leave the dooropen. It is quite permissible forher to appropriate the seat ofthe man who gets up to close it.

(43)


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THE CYNIC'SIF your friend asks you tolend him your eveningclothes, hide your toothbrushwithout delay.

(44)


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RULES OF CONDUCTNEVER leave the price tag

on the present, unless itis a very expensive present.

A T a formal dinner the hostessshould see that raw oyster

forks should be placed alongsidethe plates. If she hasn't anyraw oyster forks she may usecooked ones.

(>


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THE CYNIC'SYOU should bear in mind

that to be kind to youremployees, it is not absolutelyessential that you kiss thestenographer every morning.

I 4*


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RULES OF CONDUCTIF you would be thought afool, play with a loadedpistol; if a knave, with loadeddice.

ET the reign of your summergirl be no longer than herbathing suit.

(47)


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THE CYNIC'SIT is coarse tor a divorcee torefer to her ex-husband asthe late Mr. So-and-So. Sheshould speak of him as, "Myhusband once removed."

(48)


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RULES OF CONDUCTEVERY investor should have

a ward. A ward's estateis a great convenience in unload-ing financial indiscretions.

AVOID church fairs. It hurtsless to be stung by the

Scoffers than by the Faithful.

(49)


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THE CYNIC'SPEOPLE who think that

newspaper advertisementsare not read should watch aman sitting in a street car wherewomen are standing.

(5)


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RULES OF CONDUCTy^T a formal dinner, one

jf" J^, may serve five differentwines; but no indifferent ones.TXT'HEN in the street with a

lady, a gentleman shouldnot light a cigarette unless thelady does.

(so


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THE CYNIC'SAman will let go his religionbefore he parts with hisrespectability.

(sO


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RULES OF CONDUCTAN engagement ring shouldnot be passed around like"the buck" in a poker game."New girl, new ring," is therule in select society.

T^RESSES that look as if theyhad set the wearer's father

back more than $100 shouldalways be referred to as " frocks."

(.S3)


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THE CYNIC'SIADIES should not wear

j( garden hose except atgarden parties.

(54)


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RULES OF CONDUCTMEN will lose their reputa-

tions as gay deceiverswhen women are less willing tobe deceived.

TXfHEN at a wedding break-fast try to remember that

you will probably have otheropportunities of drinkingchampagne.

(55)


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THE CYNIC'SREMEMBER that your

wife's wardrobe is theBradstreet in which women lookfor your rating

(56)


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RULES OF CONDUCTONE of the joys of wealth

is the right to preach thevirtues of poverty.

AT a wedding married womencry because they've been

through it and unmarried womenfor fear they won't.

(57)


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THE CYNIC'SiF a man's worth doing atall, he's worth doing well.

(58)


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RULES OF CONDUCTWHEN you end a letter

" Please Burn This," postit in the fireplace.

"ll/HEN you start out to "do"Wall Street buy a return

ticket.

i 59 )


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THE CYNIC'SNEVER refer to your in-

disposition as malde coeurwhen it is mal de liqueur.

(fo)


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RULES OF CONDUCTCURE your wife of bargain-

shopping and you will havemore money for bucket-shopping.E^NCOURAGE your husband

to go to his club. Other-wise, you will miss a lot ofgossip that you can use in yourbusiness.

(61)


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THE CYNIC'STHE mother-in-law jokewas invented by a bache-lor. To the married man themother-in-law is no loke.J


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RULES OF CONDUCTIT is not good form for ayoung girl to go to thetheatre with a gentleman, un-accompanied by a chaperone.On the other hand, it is notgood fun for her to go to thetheatre with a chaperone, un-accompanied by a gentleman.

(63 )


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THE CYNIC'SNO gentleman will strutabout his club with hishat on. There is no rule, how-ever, against his having a jag on.

(64)


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RULES OF CONDUCTWHEN you step on a lady's

toes make some off-hand remark about her feet beingtoo small to be seen. This isolder than the cave dwellers;but it still works.

Tl rHEN organizing a friendlypoker party, don't invite

friends.

(65 )


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THE CYNIC'SflHHBHHHHHHHHHHHHBMHHHHHHHBHHHBHHHHHHH

SETTLE an allowance onyour wife and you'll always

know where to borrow money.

(66)


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RULES OF CONDUCTSTRICT convention decrees

that if a young girl acceptsfrom a man any gift morevaluable than sweets, flowers ortips on the races, she shall notmention the fact to her mother.

A corkscrew is not the onlysymbol of hospitality.(67)


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THE CYNIC'SWHEN you catch your

caller kissing the maid,remind her that the kitchen isthe proper place to entertainher friends.

(68)


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RULES OF CONDUCTDON'T forget to tell her

that she's "not like othergirls." It always works, whetheryou spring it on the belle of thevillage, the girl with a hare lipor the bearded lady at the circus.

CPAGHETTI should be eatenonly in the bath-tub.

(eg)


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THE CYNIC'Si F you must have your handheld, go to a manicure.

(70)


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RULES OF CONDUCTTHE difference betweenbigamy and divorce is thedifference between driving adouble hitch and driving tandem.XJEVER tell secrets to women.

If you must talk aboutthem, buy a megaphone.

(71)


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THE CYNIC'SDON'T tell a girl that she

looks best when wearinga veil. She may not understandwhat you mean.

(72)


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RULES OF CONDUCTTAKE your servants into

your confidence. You'llalways get a lot of interest-ing information about yourneighbors.

TT is a mistake to regard yourlinen as the leopard does

his spots.

(73)


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THE CYNIC'SSOME girls want a home

wedding; most girls wanta church wedding; all girls wanta wedding.

(74)


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RULES OF CONDUCTIF you use the same solitairefor the second engagement,don't refer to it as killing twobirds with one stone./CULTIVATE cheerfulness

in your household; moneymakes the mere go.

(75)


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THE CYNIC'S^T Sunday night bridgeiV parties no really nice girl

will cheat.

(76)


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RULES OF CONDUCTTHE way to save doctor's

bills is not to pay them.Only a specialist would thinkof suing you.

TITHEN you see a girl drown-ing, look before you leap.

(77)


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THE CYNIC'SON your way to the altar,do not wear the expres-sion of a man Mendelssohninginto the jaws of death. Try tolook as if your salary had justbeen raised.

(78)


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RULES OF CONDUCTDEBUTANTES should

never attend prize fightsunchaperoned.

fN paying your fare alwaystake your time. It annoys

the conductor.

(79)


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THE CYNIC'SOYSTERS are served after

cocktails, soup after oysters,game after decomposition sets in.

(80)


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RULES OF CONDUCTWHEN choosing a wife

shut your eyes; it's asporting chance, because afterall your wife is choosing you.

"^HE man who buys a goldbrick hates to feel lonesome.

(81)


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THE CYNIC'STHE race is not always to

the swift, though the smartset thinks it is.

(83)


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RULES OF CONDUCTWHEN attending an after-noon tea or musicale donot forget to leave a card. Thesocial standing of your hostessdetermines whether it shall be aface card or a twospot.

ID ESIDES leaving a card, leaveall the small articles of value

that you may find lying aboutin the dressing room.

(83 )


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THE CYNIC'SIT is not necessary to throwrice at a departing bride andgroom. The cab is already fullof mush.

(84)


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RULES OF CONDUCTIN proposing to a girl alwaysrefer to your own unworth-iness. She won't believe it atthe time nor will you a fewyears later.

OWEET are the uses ofadversity to the gentlemenwho conduct loan offices.

(85 )


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THE CYNIC'SWHEN matching dollars,remember that two headsare better than one.

(86)


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RULES OF CONDUCTy^T automobile funerals, theX"^ chauffeurs should be di-

rected to play the Dead Marchon the French tooters. Theeffect is very refined.

^\RUG store beauty isn't evenskin-deep.

( 7 )


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THE CYNIC'SDON'T enter into a gentle-man's agreement, ifyou'rea gentleman.

( 88)


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RULES OF CONDUCTwILD oats make poorbreakfast-food.TT is always good form to talk

about nausea when causedby seasickness; but never other-wise.

(89)


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THE CYNIC'SWHEN your face is too

full for utterance speakto her only with your eyes.

(90;


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RULES OF CONDUCTSHOW kindness to your

creditors, but not unremit-ting kindness.

OUSPECT the man who wantsonly a small loan; a little

touch is a dangerous thing.

(91)


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THE CYNIC'SDON'T marry for money;

but never let money standbetween a girl and her happiness.

(go


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RULES OF CONDUCT"CONSERVATIVE dressers,"\^ as the tailors call them,have discarded the night -capexcept for internal use.

TITHEN in Rome do theRomans.

(93)


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THE CYNIC'SDON'T buy for your

daughter a Count that islikely to turn out a discount.

(94)


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RULES OF CONDUCTEAT, drink and be merry,

for to-morrow you maybe married,

TT is not good form to con-gratulate a girl friend upon

her engagement. Simply remark,"So you landed him at last."

(95)


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THE, CYNIC'SPAY no obvious compli-ments. A beautiful womanhas her mirror.

(96)


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RULES OF CONDUCTIF you can afford the rightsort of lawyer you won'tneed any Rules of Conduct.

[the end]

(97)


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, C74E*F*University of CaliforniaSOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY

Return this material to the libraryfrom which it was borrowed.

WAS 1 8 1988


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FIELD The cynic's rules of conduct 1907

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