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a p ol i t ical , l i terar y & general news- papervol c lx vi i , issue 7, 29 th Oc t . 2013
est 1843
© The Piranha, 2012. All Rights Reserved.
Shock as record High of 2% Turnout Predicted
SHOOTING HIGHER FEES IN THE FACE
"Maybe We Don't Want More Pav Fridays"The Silent Majority
VOTE PICKERSGILL NO.1 FOR PRESIDENT
4 April 2013! | News
Finn Murphy Continues to Deny that He is Running for Ents
Despite rampant specula-
tion over the past 2 years
that he is vying for the
Murphy has again denied
this week that he is running
in the election. Since early
speculation this week rose
to an all time high when
he was seen allegedly ac-
tively campaigning on so-
cial media and in person
wearing t-shirts saying organisation of the ski trip
for me was him canvassing
to vote for him for Ents
When asked again at his
night on Wednesday in the
it was still even an issue.
fully to the Ents Race.
Palace all the way for me.
see the slogan is ironic.
can literally only go up…
with everything you need
revamping of which is my
want the same old thing
Some of my most recent
nights have gone down
attendees there on the night
to see what they thought
never seen anything like it
precedent! Believe me when
guestlist.
What do you think is
students from drinking
together in the Pav on
So vote Ben for
sort out good nights for
have a Messy year.
BENtertainment to Crush the Ents Competition
4 April 2013 News | 3
And here comes our much
what started as 12 candidates
less irritating. We would
strongly encourage all
to walk around reading
laughing uproariously at
particularly non plussed
we would like to continue
our sentiment from our last
were writing late into the
Welfares video. Cormac
as he was recently appointed
Campaign Manager for
Presidential Candidate
you are reading this let it
much as looking at your
in safe hands… And now
we will focus our attentions
coverage please direct
favours towards either one
of us. Also to everyone
involved over at the College
what every single society
and iinsitution in college
should endeavor to do;
provide us gents here at the
Quod Dixeunt DixeuntWhat they said around College this week
Address all frivolous complaints to: The Provost, 1 Grafton Street, Dublin 2.
Editor-in-Chief:Dónal McKeating
Domhnall McGlacken-Byrne's Campaign Manager:Cormac Shine
Copy Editor:Glen Byrne
Senior Writer:Hugh Guidera
Writers:Anna SheehanConor CrummeyPaul Corcoran
Cartoonist:Eoin Kelleher
SWAG: Jack Toner
#1 Fan:Partick Geohegan
Asian Correspondent: Ricky McCormick
The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may !nd the contents of The Piranha to be o"ensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a quali!ed professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are !ctional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater !sh that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the O#ce of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not re$ective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
“I can’t believe how quickly they forgot
about that whole wanking thing…”
“This is a good day for students”
end of his reign
“I thought the Leadership Race
was just the British people”
“Oh come on, they can’t just make
it that easy”
1993
spare rod; child remains unspoiled.
1879
Will Dunne forms his views on
the role of women in society.
Surprise and delight among
propose a more transparent and
Notes from the Throne
“What if I don’t want Pav Fridays
resurrected?”
“I just want to make their
dreams come true on the
“What is the SU?”
4 April 2013! | News
We found Aleksandra in the
Arts Block amongst the other
to get inside the head of
fresher in many years to
them all.
know where the Ed Birks
candidates and showing the
afraid to call a spade a spade;
college is indeed physically
to call out these systemic
what we need to revolutionise
Would other candidates
of an approach to the Ents
even entail. Why pander to
the older clientele and their
she says with a smile.
A freshman student for a
fresh approach to Ents.
An interview with Fresher and Ents Candidate, Aleksandra Giersz
considered the preserve
of a privileged elite; Ryan
thorough and wet in their
splashing upon the shores
hailing from a private
school on the north side of
sound to minorities and a
disadvantaged groups in
the scheme aimed to do
“to the scummers who
lo the results are rich to
shatter the stranglehold
that candidates from posh
outside of the city to those
tells us in an interview
hear so much from the
the Reynolds of this world
Calthorpes and the
Pickersgills to speak for the
touch with the “common
with the Pickersgill Estate
unruly with the thistle when
plans to work closely
make the institution more
inclusive of those from
village green. “Can any
man read the poetry or
prose of Siegfried Sassoon
and fail to feel the passions
rise when he talks of the
the melodious yap of the
is a paradise on earth; it
than a common vengeance
proposed policy of ‘cross-
classes were “voluminous
“slumming it with the less
his primary goal in the
need a strong voice to enact
the will of the people; vox
populi vox dei
connection with the most
disadvantaged students
is the most important
sociology and politics for
he tells us.
is what has guided him
with the revolutionary
Pickersgill for change. Pick
chance for the little fellow.
4 April 2013 News | 5
Students Excited about Stuttering Little Nerd’s “Strategic Plan”
Byrne came in for harsh
many pointed out that his
proposal to introduce a
of social media. Now former
rival candidate Neil Cronin
pointed stated pointedly:
surfaced detailing how the
of great student interaction
candidate.
one to take such criticism
of policies designed to prove
faceless generic straight
1.
every student.
2.
shops on campus.
3.
Walkman.
4.
McAteer.
Runners with lights on
them for scholars.
Booking pop superstars
Ball.
7. Working with the
to install pay phones
international calling
cards for international
students.
8.
for northern students to
for punts.
9. Providing for the sale
shop.
Banning the sale of
until Nelson Mandela is
set free.
11. Restricting the sale of
down in the Belgium
hacky “four year strategic
two student issues which
and hip. So professional.
connecting with our union -
not stale and arcane ideas
wrapped up in a fog of long-
O Maolmaodhara was
of effecting any real change
Domhnall says “not too
simply stated: “Completely
little gimp without the
fucking smile. Shut the fuck
Shut up.
1 November 2012 Letters | 6
turmoil last night after
that Welfare Candidate
who starred alongside Will
cinema screens in recent
that he had moved into the
things.
he had wished to leave
discover himself through
of others. Sources close to
agree with his sentiment that
all human issues are student
smashing the monopoly of
of America on intellectual
Pictures to commission
Step Brothers 2 were really
Mooney himself rumoured
Physics student Caoimhin
the emaciated cheeks of
how can a man think of the
welfare of others when so
tossed to the wayside with
can our welfare rest upon
perhaps somewhat rash
given how far Mooney has
with his rosy cheeks.
Mooney is merely skinny
the welfare position.
or raising mental health
awareness; there remains
the serious issue of condom
strength to hand out
condoms to freshers. When
this the candidate we want
funny catchphrases to the
But what gives him the
of whom we have also
do we have enough details
of their personality to tailor
displeasure at the recent
phenomenon which has
legend.
Vote Mooney to look after
himself and to look after
you too.
McFadden Stands
Down in Disgrace
after Allegations
of Being Actor
John C. Reilly
Ian Mooney, 'Moon 4 de Poon'
Students Delighted with Surprise Joke
Campaign by PJ Maloney
annoyance this year at the
a la
running for Communications
commented SS Zoology
piss with his lack of campus
worried that Maloney
was struggling with the
Samuel Riggs has achieved
success in his campaign so
controversial approach to the
Communications Race. Most
this year have swayed little
to have thrown convention
to his long hair this year in
his novel approach of having
what students are calling
What this approach involves
in contrast to the Riggs
approach. Where Riggs
his own policies talk for
these policies are we have
struggled to decipher
relief when the Wednesday
came around with still no
Moloney has coordinated
“the sincere candidate with
and electoral integrity reigns
page and a cover photo
asking you to vote for him
cleverly satirising those who
is the core message of his
plastering them on posters
across the Arts Block or
indeed even on his own
only potential source of
The Face of Poon
1 November 2012 Opinion | 7
realised that in such a homogenous
campus where homely characters
his campaign picture to him in full
political analyst Patrick Prendergast
catastrophic political miscalculation
post after pictures emerged last week
of him getting a tattoo on his chest
and comments from Riggs were
Der Spiegel in which he denounced
suggestions that he plans to use his
to actively suppress free speech.
hours after Riggs was forced to
clarify the meaning of his new
With his direct opponent for the
per se with the idea of a
candidate having his own military
or destroy campaign materials of
through which to intimidate all
students not as Aryan as myself-
Schmuel Riggs, 'Riech Die Vot'
grand. Anyway do you have a
second like haha yeah. Anyway
actually running for president now.
entendre going on there on two
Why You Should Vote for Someone You Don’t LikeBy a fresher you don’t know (and instinctively don’t like)
1 November 2012! | Lifestyle
FEATURING
wednesday 7.30pm, GMB