Final Portfolio

The Growth of a Student: A Transition to Success

Rebecca Hinkle Dr.Matthew Horton

English 1101

December 8, 2011

English 1101 Final Portfolio ‘The Growth of a Student: A Transition to Success”

Table of Contents

Analytical Cover Letter ....................................................................................................................1

Quality Comparison .........................................................................................................................4

Least Successful Article Response ......................................................................................4

Most Successful Article Response .......................................................................................6

“What’s the Difference?” .....................................................................................................8

Revision Samples ...........................................................................................................................11

Least Successful Article Response (with markup) ............................................................11

Least Successful Article Response (final) .........................................................................13

Most Successful Article Response (with markup) .............................................................15

Most Successful Article Response (final) ..........................................................................17

Most Successful Essay (with markup) ...............................................................................19

Most Successful Essay (final) ............................................................................................23

1

December 8, 2010 Matthew R. Horton, Ph. D. Assistant Professor of English Gainesville State College Oconee Campus 313b Oconee Classroom 1201 Bishop Farms Parkway Watkinsville, GA 30677 Dear Dr. Horton, My name is Rebecca Hinkle and I am a sophomore at Gainesville State College. In this portfolio you will find pieces of my work that will show a progression of my writing skills as I have transformed into being a better writer over a semester’s time period. I have learned a sufficient amount that has made my writing improve from the basic concept of writing as learned in high school, to write in-depth, controversial, though-out pieces. For someone who started off with essays that had continuous grammatical and formatting errors, this English 1101 class has molded me into a student who is now confident with every writing piece written. You have taught me to focus on the writer’s point-of-view, and how that is applied to be significant for actually understand the contents of articles, whereas before I would read an article and generally write about the main topic. I have fully engaged into a new style of writing that is detail orientated and polished grammar; all because of this course and your standards of writing. As you proceed to read my portfolio, I believe you will see a transition from high school basic writing to college-level writing. When being asked to critique myself I immediately thought it will be a difficult task because honestly who wants to admit to their mistakes, however when doing this portfolio I found it easy to correct the mistakes from my article responses and my essays simply because of what I grown to learn throughout English 1101. To fully comprehend my improvements, you must read my portfolio to visually see the steps I made to become a better writer. While I did find your course hard, looking back I realize it was only because you set the bar high for your expectations with hopes of us leaving the course with full knowledge on what we, as your students, should obtain to be successful in English 1102. You have inspired me to look beyond my fears and bad personal experience, and use them to engage my audience into being something significant rather than just memories I try to forget. While my writing still shows room for improvement—once you look through my portfolio you will notice that I have applied everything used throughout your class to put forth the necessary editing, writing, critiquing, and grammatical skills necessary to feel confident with this portfolio. My least successful article response was ‘Who needs limits? We do!” The article was about how we, as human beings, take advantage of the natural resources made available to us simply because we are selfish and greedy. One of the biggest challenges I was faced with when revising this piece was to carry the author’s point-of-view to a deeper level since I feel it lacked that in my original article response. Trying not to put my input into the article response was difficult and I noticed I had a challenging time to meet the length requirements since the topic was not intriguing to me. I lacked the necessary background information, and precise information the

2

author deserved to get a decent grade. I used a lot of quotes from the article that was not necessary because I did not provide the proper support to connect those quotes and relay it to the author’s point-of-view. Also, once revising this piece I noticed unnecessary and repetitive thoughts that were only used in order to meet the guidelines for article responses. For example, in my original document I stated—“While Berry provides readers with a very strong, yet opinionated view on our economic standing and our role in contributing to the potential down fall of what humans are actually doing to the economy--definitely makes you take a step back and give insight to the actuality of the fact that we are the contributors to what could be a true economic crisis,” when that sentence is filled with useless information and could have been summarized into a sentence with better structure. The revisions made have improved this piece to reflect the knowledge gained just by taking this course. My most successful article response was “A Head-On Collision.” As I begin to revise I noticed started off with a quote, “We got smash-mouth football and, later, the spectacularly combustive open-field collisions that seem to leave players in a state of epileptic seizure nearly every weekend now,” instead of stating McGraths opinion that was later mentioned in the first paragraph to start off this article response. By fixing that mistake, I feel like the audience can now engage to grasp into the topic of the dangers of football. As I continued revising I realized the grammar within this piece was not polished to the best of my abilities it honestly reflected with the grade I received, an eight out of ten. The errors within this article response were merely because of my lack of revision before posting. Since this topic of football was something that sparked my interest, I found that I added my opinion within this piece when the focal point should be centered on McGraths safety reform toward this sport. The revisions made to this piece added to how I have portrayed my growth in writing and the improvement to my writings quality. My most successful article essay was “The Effects of Mental Illnesses: A Consuming Disease.” Within this essay I used Gary Greenburg’s article on diagnosing mental illnesses to dwell upon my own personal experience with this topic. By comparing what physicians go through to diagnose a mentally ill patient made me bring into effect my own memory of witnessing an attempt of suicide by my aunt and our dissolving relationship because of my overwhelming fear. When beginning the revision of the essay I of course notice my grammatical errors, but I also noticed I did not elaborate on some of the choice of words. For example, I kept using the word “it” and by re-reading the essay I realized the word ‘it’ could become confusing to the readers since I had different subjects within the contents such as; the illnesses, Mary, the attempt to suicide, and my emotion of fear. I added more background information to give my personal experience more relevance to the article chosen. Since the original essay lacked the proper relevance of this traumatic experience to the development of illnesses—I added more of my testimony into this piece to prove my thesis that was constructed. By fixing the simple errors of grammar and punctuation; the paper is well-organized. With this semester screeching to a halt and by analyzing my work, I know I am not the perfect writer but I have only shown improvement. I know I have not developed work that will be perfect to your expectations, but I have criticized these pieces to my abilities with the goal of approval. By revising these pieces I notice my biggest faults of trailing off-topic to add use-less information that does not prove the authors point-of-view or mine, and also my grammar and

3

punctuation errors are one of my biggest faults. Critiquing my writing can only move up my abilities of writing styles to produce better quality work in further college English classes. My biggest regret in this course was not trying to go “above and beyond” to meet your expectations when I could have easily came to your office to seek help and guidance since you always made that option available to your students. I hope in English 1102 I can take with me the knowledge you have given to your students and the resources you have provided us with to better our writing techniques. By acquiring the skills I have gained, I am now a more equipped writer that can help me in my college career and later in life. While starting at the bottom and working my way toward the top of the success ladder- I better understand the effort and process necessary to become successful with my writing pieces. To step outside of the comfort zone and work toward the “wow pieces” is still a factor I must work on. However, when looking at this portfolio I believe you will see that I really did put the time and effort into making this final portfolio ‘A’ quality work. I knew when given the option to write an in-class essay or doing this portfolio, I knew right away this project will give me the opportunity to show to you the improvement I have made with my quality comparisons. To admit to my flaws was difficult, but with what I have learned from you and your course—I know I have become a successful writer that is beneficiary to my college career. Thank you for reviewing this portfolio, I hope by the end of reading my portfolio you will come to see that the growth process I have made is satisfactory to you. Sincerely,

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4

Least Successful Article Response

Who needs limits? We do!

Berry, Wendell. “Faustian Economics: Hell Hath No Limits.” Harper’s Magazine. The Harper's

Magazine Foundation, May 2008. Web. 18 Aug 2011.

Wendell Berry, an author of the article “Faustian Economics: Hell Hath No Limits”

believes that we, as human beings, are given too much freedom to do what we will to the natural

resources made available to us and that we are selfish, greedy human beings . He believes that

we, as human beings, are given too much freedom to do what we will to the natural resources

made available to us and that we are selfish, greedy human beings. Berry describes us as being

“limitless animals,” expressly meaning we insist that we are all “free” to be as evidently greedy

and wasteful—which are the two real names of global warming in his belief. Many will share his

belief that our society is selfish stating, “…to start slowing down, with the idea of avoiding

catastrophe, is a rational choice and a viable one if we can recover the necessary political sanity.”

He proceeds to share his concern about our ‘limitless needs and wants’ by stating, “Our economy

is the supposed possibility of limitless growth, limitless wants, limitless wealth, limitless natural

resources, limitless energy, and limitless debt.” Berry definitely wants us to see our faults before

it becomes the end of an era.

While Berry provides readers with a very strong, yet opinionated view on our economic

standing and our role in contributing to the potential down fall of it definitely makes you take a

step back and give insight to the actuality of the fact that we are the contributors to what could be

a true economic crisis. Berry is not only a writer for Harper Magazine but also an academic,

cultural, and economic critic, and a farmer. This piece of work only added to why Berry

5

deserved the ‘National Humanities Medal’ in 2010 for being recognized for his “understanding

of the humanities, broadening citizens’ engagement with the humanities, or helping preserve and

expand Americans’ access to important resources in the humanities.” His stand-point on how we

need limits so badly is somewhat frightening after you finish reading this article. He goes to say,

“We must have limits or we will cease to exist as humans; perhaps we will cease to exist,

period.” It goes to show that with Berry’s evidence and clear point of view; our economic beliefs

and wants are self destructive to society and we will never veer off from the path of destruction

with the rate we are plundering at

6

Most Successful Article Response

A Head-On Collision

McGrath, Ben. "Does Football Have a Future?" The New Yorker. Conde Nast Digital, January

fr2011. Web. 7 Sept. 2011.

In “Does Football Have a Future?” the writer, Ben McGrath, begins by creating an

intense visualization, stating “We got smash-mouth football and, later, the spectacularly

combustive open-field collisions that seem to leave players in a state of epileptic seizure nearly

every weekend now.” McGrath goes on to say that football players in general, not limited to the

National Football League (NFL), put themselves in danger every time they step onto the playing

field. Whether in a game in front of thousands of screaming fans, or merely on the practice field,

football players risk their health each and every play. McGrath also clarifies to his audience the

most common injury to which players are endangered: head injuries. The most frequent head-

butting on a football field occurs at the line of scrimmage, where linemen often begin in what is

known as a three-point stance. To the casual observer, this is best described as crouching and

leaning forward on one hand, then exploding upward in a violent head-first collision with an

opponent. In order to decrease the number of head injuries, McGrath’s suggestion is to “ban the

stance and require linemen to squat, sumo style,” and also “simply teaching proper tackling

technique.” Through these changes, McGrath believes football can not only continue to prosper,

but also become a much safer sport.

Ben McGrath is a writer for The New Yorker, mainly writing about sports topics. In this

article, “Does Football Have a Future?” McGrath discusses the long-term effects of head injuries

on football players. This is such a hot topic because these injuries are not only career threatening,

but are more notably life-threatening. After reading McGrath’s graphic details of the

7

consequences which playing football has caused to some of the NFL’s best, my perspective on

the sport has changed from one of pure enjoyment, to that of total distaste. I only saw the game

as an entertainment piece, rather than truly understanding what the players endure for sixty

minutes. Bone-chilling facts introduced by McGrath, such as “two hundred and ninety-five

fatalities directly or indirectly resulted from high-school football” are certainly hard pills to

swallow; however, this is exactly the type of hard-hitting fact that McGrath wants his readers to

think about the next time they are excited over a violent collision. McGrath closes the article by

stating, “As for football’s fate, I don’t think it’ll be driven by public opinion, but by lawyers and

insurance companies.” I wholeheartedly agree with McGrath in this blunt assessment. I always

knew football was a contact sport, but I never considered it a killer.

8

What’s the Difference?

For my most successful article response I chose, “A Head-On Collision.” This article

response was written over an article that was based around football’s issues with injuries and

illustrating to the audience the author’s suggestions on how to make it a safer sport to save

players lives. This article response earned a grade of an eight out of ten. In the first paragraph I

elaborated on the risks players take when they play this sport and the injuries they might face

with every play as illustrated by Ben McGrath. I proceeded to back up McGraths point-of-view

and content by providing the audience with actual quotes, facts, and statistics McGrath used in

his article ‘Does Football Have a future?’ McGrath wanted to portray that America’s favorite

sport just is not an entertainment piece for the fans, but most importantly a hazardous game for

players based on the hard hits that takes place on the turf. In the second paragraph, I turned the

attention toward the author’s culturally significant point-of-view as directed in the reading

response instructions. I noted to the readers that it is culturally significant because McGrath

wants to make a safety reform in order to save a sport that is so beloved to the fans, spectators,

and players. To culturally change something that has been known as one of the most violent

sports to society into a safe sport requires the acceptance of anyone involved. By doing so, it

challenges the readers to change their perspective and realize the violent nature of football as

being a killer to the player’s careers and even their lives. This response followed the guidelines

laid out and satisfied all expectations of an article response.

For my least successful article response I chose, “Who needs limits? We do!” Wendell

Berry writes on the topic of faustician economics and discusses the ‘limitless’ wants, needs, and

desires we as human beings abuse on the natural resources made available. This article response

received a grade of a seven out of ten. The first paragraph contained too many quotes from Berry

9

and not enough content that would have focused more on his point-of-view. Since this topic was

written on something that I previously shared no interest in, it was hard to relay the information

the author was making back to the audience of my audience response. When mentioning our

selfishness and greediness Berry states in his article, I should have elaborated more on that since

that was the main reasoning behind his argument of us being “limitless animals.” In the second

paragraph I made the mistake of focusing too much attention on Berry’s achievements when my

attention should have focused more on the cultural significance Wendell Berry made in his

previous article. I did however mention the consequences us humans are having on society and

the economy as a whole which was one of the main points to his ‘Faustian Economics’ article.

My article response followed the layout of what an article response should look like, however it

was too repetitive and did not fully engage the audience to the proper issues that should have

been made.

After comparing my two pieces, I noticed I only made an eight on my most successful

piece, and the other three never scored higher than a seven. As a student, I should have picked

articles that grabbed my attention like the football article did because I now notice that it is an

easier subject to follow and diagnose what I needed to make a successful article response. In

retrospect, I learned I should have spent more time grammatically fixing my article responses

and focus on the importance of the author’s point-of-view. In ‘Who needs limits? We do!” the

topic was not engaging and I kept adding quotes from the article merely to meet the length

requirements instead of the cultural significance, since that is a big issue facing our economy. In

“A Head-On Collision,” I rushed through it and felt confident about my work since the topic was

right up my alley when I should have read the response more thoroughly on grammatical

mistakes, and the author more instead of just the topic of football. After comparing my mistakes

10

I know I should have taken responsibility for my repetitive sevens on the article responses and

asked for help and guidance instead of not fixing my own errors and continued to produce my

‘C’ work.

11







resources made available to us and that we are selfish, greedy human beings . He believes that

we, as human beings, are given too much freedom to do what we will to the natural resources

made available to us and that we are selfish, greedy human beings. Berry describes us as being

“limitless animals,” expressly expressively meaning we humans insist that we are all “free” to be

as evidently greedy and wasteful—which are the two major problems real names of global

warming in his belief. Many will share his belief that our society is selfish stating, “…to start

slowing down, with the idea of avoiding catastrophe, is a rational choice and a viable one if we

can recover the necessary political sanity.” Our economy is crumbling before us, and according

to Berry it is because of our limitless desires to use our resources at hand without any stop. He

proceeds to share his concern about our ‘limitless needs and wants’ by stating, “Our economy is

the supposed possibility of limitless growth, limitless wants, limitless wealth, limitless natural

resources, limitless energy, and limitless debt.” Berry definitely undeniably wants us to see our

faults before it becomes the end of an era us humans to come to an actuality of our faults before

an end of an era arises.

Berry provides his readers with his strong stand-point—but to us readers it should be a

reality check as to how we are contributing to the current economical standing and only

proceeding to making it a crisis. While Berry provides readers with a very strong, yet

Formatted

Comment [GSC1]: Repeated myself after what I already said in the first sentence and it was redundant to continue on saying the same exact thing in a new sentence.

Comment [GSC2]: Wrong choice of an adjective to explain the term “limitless animals” when expressively is a better transition to formally describe Wendell’s definition of the term.

Comment [GSC3]: Humans is a more specific to replace ‘we’ and gives the audience a better reference as to whom I am referring too.

Comment [GSC4]: “Real names” didn’t fully introduce the labels greediness and wastefulness as being problems to global warming when looking from a readers point-of-view.

Comment [GSC5]: Felt it necessary to delete the useless statements from Berry and elaborate more on the authors point of view and how it reflects the article.

Comment [GSC6]: By changing the sentence it gives more structure and it more specific to the subject in the sentence and the problem that is being addressed.

Comment [O7]: Rewriting the sentence got rid of the useless information I added only to meet the length requirements when now, it is easily summarized with the same content and opinion.

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opinionated view on our economic standing and our role in contributing to the potential down

fall of it what humans are actually doing to the economy --definitely makes you take a step back

and give insight to the actuality of the fact that we are the contributors to what could be a true

economic crisis. Berry is not only a writer for Harper Magazine but also an academic, cultural,

and economic critic, and a farmer. This piece of work only added adds to why Berry deserved

the ‘National Humanities Medal’ in 2010 for being recognized for his “understanding of the

humanities, broadening citizens’ engagement with the humanities, or helping preserve and

expand Americans’ access to important resources in the humanities.” His stand-point on how we

humans need limits so badly is somewhat frightening after you finish reading this article. He

goes on to say, “We must have limits or we will cease to exist as humans; perhaps we will cease

to exist, period.” It goes to show that with Berry’s evidence and clear point of view; our

economic beliefs and wants are self destructive to society and we will never veer off from the

path of destruction with the rate we are plundering at.

Comment [GSC8]: By deleting ‘it’ and adding what I did, it adds more relevance to what I was actually referring too and contributes to the seriousness of the issue at stake.

Comment [GSC9]: Seperates the sentence between two different ideas so now the sentence does not sound like a run-on sentence.

Formatted: Font: Italic

Comment [GSC10]: Italizing a name of a magazine when referencing it is the proper way to cite this specific source.

Comment [GSC11]: Deleted ‘and’ because it is not the final description of the author.

Comment [GSC12]: By changing it from past tense to present tense gives the audience a feel for it actually being in the present world since he was just awarded the specific award being mentioned in 2010.

Comment [GSC13]: There was no period at the end of the sentence and my adding on it completed the thought of that sentence.

13







resources made available to us and that we are selfish, greedy human beings .. Berry describes us

as being “limitless animals,” expressively meaning humans insist that we are all “free” to be as

evidently greedy and wasteful—which are the two major problems of global warming in his

belief. Many will share his belief that our society is selfish stating, “…to start slowing down,

with the idea of avoiding catastrophe, is a rational choice and a viable one if we can recover the

necessary political sanity.” Our economy is crumbling before us, and according to Berry it is

because of our limitless desires to use our resources at hand without any stop. Berry undeniably

wants us humans to come to an actuality of our faults before an end of an era arises.

Berry provides his readers with his strong stand-point—but to us readers it should be a

reality check as to how we are contributing to the current economical standing and only

proceeding to making it a crisis. Berry is not only a writer for Harper Magazine but also an

academic, cultural, economic critic, and a farmer. This piece of work only adds to why Berry

deserved the ‘National Humanities Medal’ in 2010 for being recognized for his “understanding

of the humanities, broadening citizens’ engagement with the humanities, or helping preserve and

expand Americans’ access to important resources in the humanities.” His stand-point on how

humans need limits so badly is somewhat frightening after you finish reading this article. He

goes on to say, “We must have limits or we will cease to exist as humans; perhaps we will cease

14

to exist, period.” It goes to show that with Berry’s evidence and clear point of view; our

economic beliefs and wants are self destructive to society and we will never veer off from the

path of destruction with the rate we are plundering at.

15


A Head-On Collision


2011. Web. 7 Sept. 2011.

In “Does Football Have a Future?” the writer, Ben McGrath, states that football players

in general, not limited to the National Football League (NFL), put them in danger every time

they step onto the playing field. When diving into the article, McGrath begins by creating creates

an intense visualization to support this opinion by, stating “We got smash-mouth football and,

later, the spectacularly combustive open-field collisions that seem to leave players in a state of

epileptic seizure nearly every weekend now.” McGrath goes on to say that football players in

general, not limited to the National Football League (NFL), put themselves in danger every time

they step onto the playing field. Whether in a it is a game in front of thousands of screaming

fans, or merely on the practice field, football players risk their health with each and every play

made. McGrath also clarifies to his audience the most common injury to which endangers the

playersplayers are endangered: head injuries. The most frequent head-butting on a football field

occurs at the line of scrimmage, where linemen often begin in what is known as a three-point

stance. To the casual observer, this is best described as crouching and leaning forward on one

hand, then exploding upward in a violent head-first collision with an opponent. In order to

decrease the number of head injuries, McGrath’s suggestion is to “ban the stance and require

linemen to squat, sumo style,” and also “simply teaching proper tackling technique.” Through

these changes, McGrath believes football can not only continue to prosper, but also become a

much safer sport.

Comment [O1]: When changing ‘themselves’ to them, it makes the pronoun grammatically correct.

Comment [O2]: The article response has more effect and is more successful when I begin this piece with the authors point of view instead of a quote from the article just to grab the attention of the readers.

Comment [O3]: By changing the sentence, it changes the way the readers looks at a “the game” of football and makes the structure of the sentence sound better.

Comment [O4]: Both of these makes the sentence have more specification and adds a better ending.

Comment [O5]: “”

Comment [O6]: Switching the words around sounds better to the reader when putting the verb before the subject.

16



and the impacts it has on football players. This is such a hot topic because these injuries are not

only career threatening, but are more notably life-threatening. After reading McGrath’s graphic

details of the consequences in which playing “America’s favorite sport” football has caused to

some of the NFL’s best, my perspective on the sport has changed from one of pure enjoyment, to

that of total distaste. I only saw the game as an entertainment piece, rather than truly

understanding what the players endure for sixty minutes. Bone-chilling facts introduced by

McGrath, such as “two hundred and ninety-five fatalities directly or indirectly resulted from

high-school football” are certainly hard pills to swallow; however, this is exactly the type of

hard-hitting fact that McGrath wants his readers to think about the next time they are excited

over a violent collision. McGrath closes the article by stating, “As for football’s fate, I don’t

think it’ll be driven by public opinion, but by lawyers and insurance companies.” I

wholeheartedly agree with McGrath in this blunt assessment. I always knew football was a

contact sport, but I never considered it to be a killer.

Comment [O7]: Adds more detail to the consequences of the point I am trying to get across to the readers based upon the author, Ben McGrath’s, article.

Comment [O8]: This reference to football was taken from McGraths article, but since the word ‘football’ has been used numerous times, I figured it would add more emphasis to the beloved sport from a fan perspective and gives more sympathy to the game.

17


A Head-On Collision


2011. Web. 7 Sept. 2011.

In “Does Football Have a Future?” the writer, Ben McGrath, states that football players

in general, not limited to the National Football League (NFL) put them in danger every time they

step onto the playing field. When diving into the article, McGrath creates an intense visualization

to support this opinion by stating “We got smash-mouth football and, later, the spectacularly

combustive open-field collisions that seem to leave players in a state of epileptic seizure nearly

every weekend now.” Whether it is a game in front of thousands of screaming fans, or merely on

the practice field, football players risk their health with each and every play made. McGrath also

clarifies to his audience the most common injury to which endangers the players: head injuries.

The most frequent head-butting on a football field occurs at the line of scrimmage, where

linemen often begin in what is known as a three-point stance. To the casual observer, this is best

described as crouching and leaning forward on one hand, then exploding upward in a violent

head-first collision with an opponent. In order to decrease the number of head injuries,

McGrath’s suggestion is to “ban the stance and require linemen to squat, sumo style,” and also

“simply teaching proper tackling technique.” Through these changes, McGrath believes football

can not only continue to prosper, but also become a much safer sport.



and the impacts it has on football players. This is such a hot topic because these injuries are not

only career threatening, but are more notably life-threatening. After reading McGrath’s graphic

18

details of the consequences in which playing “America’s favorite sport” has caused to some of

the NFL’s best, my perspective on the sport has changed from one of pure enjoyment, to that of

total distaste. I only saw the game as an entertainment piece, rather than truly understanding

what the players endure for sixty minutes. Bone-chilling facts introduced by McGrath, such as

“two hundred and ninety-five fatalities directly or indirectly resulted from high-school football”

are certainly hard pills to swallow; however, this is exactly the type of hard-hitting fact that

McGrath wants his readers to think about the next time they are excited over a violent collision.

McGrath closes the article by stating, “As for football’s fate, I don’t think it’ll be driven by

public opinion, but by lawyers and insurance companies.” I wholeheartedly agree with McGrath

in this blunt assessment. I always knew football was a contact sport, but I never considered it to

be a killer.

19

Rebecca Hinkle

Professor Horton

English 1101

3 November 2011

The Effects of a Mental Illness: A Consuming Disease

In Gary Greenburg’s article ‘Inside the Battle to Define Mental Illness,’ he states “For

patients to accept diagnosis, they must believe that doctors know that their disease exists.” While

many individuals are diagnosed worldwide—the process these medically trained physicians

endure to actually tell an individual that they are mentally ill with the result of changing their so

called “normal” lives forever; goes far beyond what I could have ever imagined. But for me, I

never seriously thought anything significantly of it as selfish as that might sound. While there are

many different types of mental illnesses, society defines it these illnesses as being a medical

condition that disrupt a person's thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily

functioning. I, along with the rest of my family, was personally affected by mental diseases and

this corresponded to my perspective of what this illness can result in and how it consumes the

physical body of a person.

Three years ago this disease consumed my Aunt Mary. After we sought her for medical

attention--she was diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolarism, and depression. I witnessed the

severity of what these multiple illnesses had actually done to my innocent aunt when she

attempted to take her own life, an action none of the family could have ever imagined she would

have tried. she has become when she tried to take her life. With that one phone call to my mom,

we rushed over to her house in a panic to find her lying on the bathroom floor, door locked, and

medicine bottles laid empty surrounding her unconscious body around her. For months we were

Comment [O1]: After rereading the sentence, it sounded like a run-on and needed some form of punctuation in between two different thoughts.

Comment [O2]: ‘it’ didn’t add the necessary specification to the actually subject of the sentence, so to avoid confusion I made the subject more generalized.

Comment [O3]: By changing the wording of the sentence, it adds more emphasis to the ‘prepare your audience’ part of an essay. The sentence now has more details to the main action of the underlying emotion in later parts of the essay and what the contents of this ‘mental illness’ essay states.

Comment [O4]: Gives more details to the reader about the ‘scene of the incident’ and the visualization I still have in my mind because of these mental illnesses.

20

all blind to realize the actuality of it the new, mentally ill Mary until everything almost ended

with her one attempt. My relationship with Aunt Mary was never the same. Distance definitely

came between us and tore us apart to no longer the unique niece/aunt relationship we once shared

had but to just being family members. . From three years ago to this day-- the feeling of fear

consumed took over my body; not only for Aunt Mary’s well-being but for my own. Our eyes

definitely unquestionably opened up and made all of my family members realize we probably

could have prevented this attempt from happening; all the signs were there. After seeing what I

saw witnessed being the innocent sixteen years-old sixteen year-old that I was and realizing the

ruthlessness of what Mary was capable of, I had every right to be scared when around her or for

what she could do.

The attempt of suicide was only the beginning of our discovering discovering Mary’s

new personalities and characteristics.my new, mentally ill aunt. Before she would have mood

swings and when she tried to have a conversation sometimes the things that were conversed

would not make sense since but we did not realize it was because of a mental illness, instead we

considered it a result of her husband filing for divorce. She would want to be included on every

single thing that was going on and would lash out at me if I would whisper something to my

mom at a family function simply because she thought I was talking about her. However, just Just

like anyone she would have her good days and her bad days. Her bad days consisted of her

locking herself in her room and shutting herself out of the world because she said she did not

want to “burden” anyone. Attempting to have a conversation with Mary was a difficult task; she

would not stay on topic, often look into space, and stutter repeatedly. With the mental illnesses

unraveling, the The “voices” in her head would tell her what to do after the attempt of suicide

and the side effects all of the prescriptions she had to take after being diagnosed just added fuel

Comment [O5]: Once again, ‘it’ can be confusing to the audience as to what I am actually referring too

Comment [O6]: Punctuation error that is not grammatically correct to ending a sentence after completing a full thought.

Comment [O7]: Replacing consuming into the sentence sounds better and is a better verb when talking about the emotion of fear.

Comment [O8]: It is a different synonym because I feel like the word ‘definitely’ has been used multiple times before, but both words have the same effect.

Comment [O9]: It is a new description of Mary in my opinion, since the previous statement was already mentioned in the beginning part of the essay and is new information and details to the reader.

Comment [O10]: Wrong spelling and meaning of the word, corrected it and now it makes sense

Comment [O11]: A transition word sounded best since it was a different sentence but reflected of a previous thought.

Comment [O12]: Gives the “voices” a defining reason to why that is happening and directs the essay back to the main topic of ‘mental illnesses.’

21

to the fire. Getting her diagnosed was a positive effect on her as an individual, but for me

discovering the new aunt I had to get useused to, was not something I wanted.

The relationship between my aunt and I came to a downfall after these three major mental

illnesses enraptured her. After witnessing the scene of her attempt of suicide—right then and

there I knew it would never be the same. I did not want to answer her phone calls for the fear of

her telling me she wanted to die just like she to my mom. Sometimes I believe it is my fault that

we do not have a relationship, but the looking at the situation as a whole I know many other

teenagers, even adults, would treat it the situation the same way I didwould. I cannot fathom

acting toward her the same way I did before and go on my merry little way to act like nothing

happened when in reality she was not functioning the same way before, but rather these mental

illnesses was what I was talking too now. In my opinion, I believe she is milking what she was

diagnosed with because every mistake she makes, she blames it on the diseases. Granted, I do

not think she wanted this for herself— but her she now wants everyone to feel sympathy for her,

rather than moving forward to become a better person. Putting this distance in between us is

something the whole family noticed and accepted whole-heartedly. As a teenager then and an

adult now; I would not take back my decision for of my lack of communication and effort to

patch up our relationship.

Fear is defined as being an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or

something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat and that is exactly what I felt being

around Mary. Fear is one of those emotions that over power any other emotions when Mary is

around. In my mind I always thought if she was willing to take away her own life, with the right

motive in her mind…what would stop her from taking someone else’s? Witnessing first-hand

and the resulting factor is something no one should ever have to see, and I was just an innocent

Comment [O13]: Separates to thoughts to make the sentence no longer a run-on sentence.

Comment [O14]: From changing it from ‘would’ to ‘did’ makes the situation past tense which is the way it should be perceived rather than future tense.

Comment [O15]: By correcting it, her to she is now the correct form of a pronoun for this sentence.

22

child for that to happen too. Not only is my fear directed toward Mary’s actions but also for what

other effects it might have on my family. I do not feel ashamed for being afraid of something she

cannot help because I know I cannot help my feeling. Mental illnesses are known to be heredity,

what if it really does run in the family? What if it would have happened to my mom-would I be

having the same reaction reacting the same? What if it trickles down to even happen to me later

in life? However, I realize all of these ‘what if’s’ lead me nowhere but wondering. But what I do

know is I am left with my feeling, my feeling of fear.

Comment [O16]: Verb confusion before, but now it is fixed properly

23

Rebecca Hinkle

Professor Horton

English 1101

3 November 2011

The Effects of a Mental Illness: A Consuming Disease

In Gary Greenburg’s article ‘Inside the Battle to Define Mental Illness,’ he states “For

patients to accept diagnosis, they must believe that doctors know that their disease exists.” While

many individuals are diagnosed worldwide—the process these medically trained physicians

endure to actually tell an individual that they are mentally ill with the result of changing their so

called “normal” lives forever; goes far beyond what I could have ever imagined. But for me, I

never seriously thought anything significantly of it as selfish as that might sound. While there are

many different types of mental illnesses, society defines these illnesses as being a medical

condition that disrupt a person's thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily

functioning. I, along with the rest of my family, was personally affected by mental diseases and

this corresponded to my perspective of what this illness can result in and how it consumes the

physical body of a person.

Three years ago this disease consumed my Aunt Mary. After we sought her for medical

attention--she was diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolarism, and depression. I witnessed the

severity of what these multiple illnesses had actually done to my innocent aunt when she

attempted to take her own life, an action none of the family could have ever imagined she would

have tried. With that one phone call to my mom, we rushed over to her house in a panic to find

her lying on the bathroom floor, door locked, and medicine bottles laid empty surrounding her

unconscious body . For months we were all blind to realize the actuality of the new, mentally ill

24

Maryuntil everything almost ended with her one attempt. My relationship with Aunt Mary was

never the same. Distance definitely came between us and tore us apart to no longer the unique

niece/aunt relationship we once shared but to just being family members. From three years ago to

this day-- the feeling of fear consumed my body; not only for Aunt Mary’s well-being but for my

own. Our eyes unquestionably opened up and made all of my family members realize we

probably could have prevented this attempt from happening; all the signs were there. After

seeing what I witnessed being the innocent sixteen year-old that I was and realizing the

ruthlessness of what Mary was capable of, I had every right to be scared when around her or for

what she could do.

The attempt of suicide was only the beginning of our discovering Mary’s new

personalities and characteristics. Before she would have mood swings and when she tried to have

a conversation sometimes the things that were conversed would not make sense but we did not

realize it was because of a mental illness, instead we considered it a result of her husband filing

for divorce. She would want to be included on every single thing that was going on and would

lash out at me if I would whisper something to my mom at a family function simply because she

thought I was talking about her. However, just like anyone she would have her good days and

her bad days. Her bad days consisted of her locking herself in her room and shutting herself out

of the world because she said she did not want to “burden” anyone. Attempting to have a

conversation with Mary was a difficult task; she would not stay on topic, often look into space,

and stutter repeatedly. With the mental illnesses unraveling, the “voices” in her head would tell

her what to do after the attempt of suicide and the side effects all of the prescriptions she had to

take after being diagnosed just added fuel to the fire. Getting her diagnosed was a positive effect

25

on her as an individual, but for me discovering the new aunt I had to get used to, was not

something I wanted.

The relationship between my aunt and I came to a downfall after these three major mental

illnesses enraptured her. After witnessing the scene of her attempt of suicide—right then and

there I knew it would never be the same. I did not want to answer her phone calls for the fear of

her telling me she wanted to die just like she to my mom. Sometimes I believe it is my fault that

we do not have a relationship, but the looking at the situation as a whole I know many other

teenagers, even adults, would treat the situation the same way I did. I cannot fathom acting

toward her the same way I did before and go on my merry little way to act like nothing happened

when in reality she was not functioning the same way before, but rather these mental illnesses

was what I was talking too now. In my opinion, I believe she is milking what she was diagnosed

with because every mistake she makes, she blames it on the diseases. Granted, I do not think she

wanted this for her— but she now wants everyone to feel sympathy for her, rather than moving

forward to become a better person. Putting this distance in between us is something the whole

family noticed and accepted whole-heartedly. As a teenager then and an adult now; I would not

take back my decision for my lack of communication and effort to patch up our relationship.

Fear is defined as being an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or

something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat and that is exactly what I felt being

around Mary. Fear is one of those emotions that over power any other emotions when Mary is

around. In my mind I always thought if she was willing to take away her own life, with the right

motive in her mind…what would stop her from taking someone else’s? Witnessing first-hand

and the resulting factor is something no one should ever have to see, and I was just an innocent

child for that to happen too. Not only is my fear directed toward Mary’s actions but also for what

26

other effects it might have on my family. I do not feel ashamed for being afraid of something she

cannot help because I know I cannot help my feeling. Mental illnesses are known to be heredity,

what if it really does run in the family? What if it would have happened to my mom-would I be

having the same reaction ? What if it trickles down to even happen to me later in life? However,

I realize all of these ‘what if’s’ lead me nowhere but wondering. But what I do know is I am left

with my feeling, my feeling of fear.

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