Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood
Chapter 11
FriendshipBased in feeling, reciprocity, choiceLess emotionally, intense than romanticHelp self-esteem, self-awareness, self-
respectFacilitate socialization in adulthood
Adult FriendsStages (ABCDE)
Acquaintanceship Buildup Continuation Deterioration Ending
A-B depends on similarity, communication, importance of relationship
E depends on availability of alternatives
Adult FriendsMore friends in young adulthood than at
any other timeCritical during adulthood as life
satisfaction linked w/ quality of friends Help manage stress Linked w/ longevity
Adult Friends3 broad themes underlay adult friends
Affective componentSelf-disclosure, intimacy, affection, support, trust,
loyalty, commitment Communal nature
Participate in supportive activities Sociability
Friends are source of fun, recreation
Siblings As FriendsImportant relationship for most
Peaks during adolescence & late life At all times women place more importance
Gender Differences: FriendsWomen
Friendships based on intimacy, emotional sharing, disclosure of personal matters
More relationships than menMen
Friendships based on shared activities or interests (e.g, sports) & competition
Less intimacy & disclosure
LoveSternberg
Passion Intimacy Commitment
In a lasting love relationship Passion high early I & C low (but I rising fast) Passion fades, I stabilizes & C rises
Falling In LoveAssortative Mating
Similarity predictions attractionOnly to a pointOnly for key, important dimensions
• Religion, sex, politics, physical appearance
Falling In LoveCompatibility leads to application of 3 filters
(Murstein) Stimulus
Appearance, social class, manners match? Values
Values match? Role
Ideas about relationship, communication style gender roles match
All YES = couple formation
Abusive RelationshipsContinuum of aggression
Verbal - physical - severe - murder Less severe common
25%-40% of relationships display less severe physical abuse (punching, slapping) occasionally
Severe less commonUsually long pattern of abuse of male partner
Abusive RelationshipsCause of abuse depends on type of abuse
Verbal: need to control, jealousy, misuse of power (all also impact more severe forms of abuse)
Physical: abused as child, alcohol, positive attitudes towards violence, aggressive temperament (all also impact more severe forms of abuse)
Severe/murder: personality disorder, emotional instability, poor self-esteem
Abusive RelationshipsCause also depends on gender
Need for control, power, jealousy M > WCulture key as well
Cultures valuing female honor, passivity, nurturing, loyal supporters of higher-status males more accepting of abuse
LifestyleSinglehood
~80% men 20-24 single ~70% women 20-24 single
Some career focused early in adulthood More difficult for single women than men
Social pressure stronger on women to marryMen marry later
2x as many African Americans single in young adulthood
SinglehoodNever married women in 30s
Acute distress & wish to be married OR Emotionally volatile OR Happy single
When does one decide to be single? Gradual process for most
SinglehoodAdvantages & disadvantages
Greater freedom More lonely
Men: higher mortality, alcoholism, suicide ratesWomen: more vulnerable to violent crime & extra
duties at work
CohabitationDramatic increase in past 30 years
Most are 25-44 (v. > 45 in 1970s)3 primary reasons for cohabitation
Limited: convenience ($, sexual access, no commitment)
Premarital: trial marriageSubstitute marriage: long-term commitment w/o
marriage
CohabitationCultural differences abound
Sweden: 99% of couples live together before marriage & 25% unmarried
China: cohabitation rareImpacts on marital success
Reduces marital satisfaction Increases risk of divorce
Gay & Lesbian CouplesIn most ways they are similar to
heterosexual couplesSome differences do emerge
Less likely to argue aboutValues, social-political issues
More likely to argue aboutTrust, former lovers
Gay & Lesbian CouplesGender differences more key
Men: separate sex & love, have more short term relationships
Women: connect sex w/ love, have fewer, longer lasting relationships
Gay couples report less family support Legal system fails to recognize rights of gay
partners
MarriageMedian age increased in past 30 years
Younger you marry higher risk of divorce< 20 3x higher rate than 20s & 6x higher rate than
30s
Factors predicting marital success Identity Homogamy (similarity) Perceived equality (fair exchange)
Marital HappinessPeaks & valleysGenerally happiest early & late
Drops during children Rises after children leave home
Best if dependence is equal for both partners
Keeping a Marriage Happy?Make timeExpress loveBe there in times of needConstructive communicationShow interestConfideForgive, understand
Family Life Cycle Having children bring benefits & problems
Personal satisfaction/needs, etc Financial, personal sacrifices
Decision to have kids impacted by Fs
Having Children?Feminine intrapsychic determinants
Relationship w/ parents, flexibility, feminine identification
Marriage determinants Stability, support satisfaction, stress
management
Having Children?Career determinants
Responsibility, satisfaction, change possibleLifestyle determinants
$, child-free relationship, comparison group
Parental RoleCurrently couples have fewer kids later
Older mothers more affectionate, sensitive Older fathers more invested, spends more time
w/ childBeing a parent very stressful
New responsibilities Changes relationship (ALL about child) Worse for mother (especially is she works)
Men spend ~44% of the time raising kids v. moms
Single ParentsMostly women due to
Divorce Keeping child out of wedlock
Ethnic differences: 70% AA births out of wedlock
Impacts on parents Emotional difficulty Financial problems (worse for single mothers) Dating difficult (lonely)
Alternative ParentingGay couples raising children
No negative impacts Some potential positives
DivorceDivorce rate - 50% in US
Highest in Russia, lowest in Netherlands Increased in developed countries recently
Changes in social norms, laws
Reasons cited by men & women for D Unhappy, infidelity, sexual problems
Men: alcohol abuse by self, women’s libWomen: alcohol abuse by spouse, physical abuse
DivorceFactors impacting divorce
Macro reasonsSocial-cultural changes/values, gender roles
Demographics reasonsAge at marriage, parental divorce, cohabitation
Interpersonal reasonsInfidelity, violence, $, children, growing apart
DivorceImpacts of divorce on couple
Emotional problems (lasting)Depressed, rejected, angry, disappointed,
unhappy Divorce hangover
Unable to let go and move on as single personPreoccupation predictor of poor adjustment
• Men: accept blame, move out, social life changed• Women: fewer remarriage, friends prospects, $ troubles
DivorceRelationship w/ children
70% mothers regain custody after divorce Fathers become negligent rapidly Problems extend to divorce w/ adult children
Emotional difficulties & poor father relationship
RemarriageVery common (W < M)
Average wait is 4 years Increased change of divorce (even more w./. stepchildren)
Women benefit more than men