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Transcript
IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED OR DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR THIS PUBLICATION PROBABLY ISN’T FOR YOU!
EDITION 49 February 2010
Beauty BeyondValentine Couples Offer
The Coach House, 2a Bull Lane,Winchcombe. 01242 604017
ARMITAGE CARPENTRY & BUILDING SERVICES‘Keeping up the Tradition’
TIME SERVED FULLY INSURED AND 15 YEARS EXPERIENCE
• LAMINATE & OAK FLOORING
• BOX SASH WINDOWSSPECIALIST
• KITCHENS
• STORAGE & SHELVING
• OAK CONSERVATORIES
• OAK TIMBER FRAME RENEVATION,REPAIR & REPLACEMENT
Hello and welcome to the February edition of the Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express. Its our 4th Birthday with this editionso Happy Birthday to us! The much awaited “Cock of the Year” award is in this edition, and as surprised as we were, theTewkesbury Taliban Parking Gestapo have failed to retain the award. This year it goes to a company we all own, and hasdone absolutely nothing for small business in the area. They also seem to have a problem or two keeping their Cashpointssecure, another report this month of a “machine” being attached to their machine and this time it was IN the bank. So con-gratulations Lloyds (Business Banking mainly) for being unhelpful, Rude, Useless and now failing to keep our information andbank details safe. You all deserve the coveted Cock of the Year award! Muppets.
Police are asking people to report any sightings of a distinctive vehicle on 0845 090 1234 or to Crimestoppers after it wasstolen from a quarry in the evening of Wednesday January 13. The yellow Volvo 150 loading shovel with fork was stolenfrom a quarry in Temple Guiting between 7.30pm and 8pm. Anyone with any information about the theft is asked to con-
tact Gloucestershire Constabulary on 0845 090 1234 quotingincident number 439 of January 13. Alternatively you can callCrimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555 111.
Quick breaks in the Cotswolds could boost tourism in the re-gion, the publishers of a new guidebook are hoping. The Cots-
- 4 - Issue 49, February 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
CLEEVE HILL GARAGE WORKSHOP• Servicing • Repairs • MOT’s Arranged
• ALL MAKES & MODELS •• FREE LOCAL COLLECTION & DELIVERY •
Cleeve Hill Garage Cleeve Hill,Cheltenham. GL52 3PX
07740 633200
DaybreakAt Daybreak, we offer a Cleaning & Care Service. To help you keep on top of
things, we can help you with painting, gardening and any odd jobs you strugglewith. We can prepare food and offer kitchen help, anything to make life easier.
We can visit as little or as often as you would like. We will look at what yourneeds are and work with you to get the help you need within the Budget you have.
“The day I made the call to Daybreak was quite simply the best thing I have ever done in a longtime. They have transformed my home & life. They are very professional, caring and have avery positive attitude to everything they do”.Wendi Reid-Shearer, Gloucester Street, Winchcombe
wolds Visitor Guide 2010 has been launched with a fresh focus on the expanding short stay market – emphasising the area’squality accommodation and fun things to do. Tourism bosses feel the region is under-rated for family holidays and want tosend out the clear message that the Cotswolds is a ‘top 10 staycation destination’. More than 12 million Britons took breaksin their own county last summer, revealed a survey by travelsupermarket.com. The 72-page glossy brochure, produced byCotswold District Council, Stroud District Council and Tewkesbury Borough Council, aims to convince people to zoom in onthe Cotswolds. The centrepiece of a nationwide campaign to attract more tourists to the region, the guide promotes 50 ho-tels, more than 200 B&B and self-catering establishments, 21 businesses, 39 attractions and almost 100 events throughoutthe year. Inside, there is a new insert on ‘foodie experiences’, featuring everything from Tewkesbury Food and Drink Festivalto individual restaurants such as Manor House Hotel at Moreton-in-Marsh. A section on families and activities highlights at-tractions including Cotswold Farm Park, near Stow-on-the-Wold, Cotswold Water Park, Cheltenham racing and quirky eventssuch as cheese-rolling at Coopers Hill and the Cotswold Olimpicks at Chipping Campden. New companies, such as tourguides Walking Past Stow, also feature. There is an A to Z of towns and villages and a cultural overview of the region. Cots-wold District Council tourism manager, Sally Graff, said: “I’m thrilled with this great new brochure. “There is something forall age groups at all times of the year. “We’ve arranged for every UK visitor centre to promote the brochure. “We’ve also en-sured it features in a range of national holiday guides boasting a joint circulation of almost 2.5 million readers.”
Confused motorists have been hit with fake parking tickets issued by a sophisticated prankster. The convincing ticketswere put on three vehicles in Tewkesbury on Christmas Day. Drivers found what looked like a real ticket, with a borough
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 49, February 2010 - 5 -
Call David Mayhew Mobile 07971 185830 (Days)Office 01242 603328 (Eves)
council logo on it, urging them to pay afine by sending money to its offices inGloucester Road, Tewkesbury. Thecouncil says the tickets are fake and itwants people to double check futurefines in case the prankster strikesagain. Maybe as the “law” is in opera-tion, the council should have its Talibanwardens out themselves on ChristmasDay, after all as they will tell you, “weare just here to uphold the rules”.
Keep your PIN safe and check the cashpoint, that’s the message from Tewkes-bury Police. The advice comes after ascanning device was found on a LloydsTSB cash point in their foyer on the HighStreet in Tewkesbury on Wednesday
January 20th. If you used the cash point
between 5pm on Tuesday 19th January
and 10.30am Wednesday 20th January itis advised that you check your bankstatements and contact your own bankas soon as possible to make sure yourdetails have not been copied andused.Police are also encouraging shop-pers to follow some key pieces of advicewhen using cash machines:
· Put your personal safety first.Be aware of others around youand if someone is behaving sus-piciously cancel the transactionand use a different machine.
· If you notice anything unusualabout the cash machine, orthere are signs of tampering, donot use it and report it to thebank or the Police as soon aspossible.
· Do not accept advice about us-ing the cash point from seem-ingly well-meaning strangersand never allow yourself to bedistracted.
- 6 - Issue 49, February 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
TEWKESBURYS LONGEST SERVING COMPANY
High Street Booking Office8 Seater minibuses available
Introducing Avonside’s Sister Company
High Street Booking Office
12 & 16 Seater Mini BusesAvailable for Advanced Bookings Only
· Once you have completed a transaction put your money and card away before leaving the cash machine.· If the cash machine does not return your card, report its loss immediately to your card company.
Officers seized the device and an investigation into who placed the item on the cash point has started. Anyone with any in-formation about the incident is asked to contact Gloucestershire Constabulary on 0845 090 1234 quoting incident number263 of January 20. Alternatively you can call Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555 111.
The Bishops Cleeve site of Grundon Waste has received the backing of Tewkesbury Borough Council to continue to operatefor the next 20 years. The final decision rests with Gloucestershire County Council who had asked TBC for its opinion. Re-ported in the press was this statement from Peter Richmond (Cleeve West) “Grundon should be forced to begin windingdown operations. There has been ‘development creep’ and the site is now running, frankly, on an industrial scale. It wassupposed to close in 2009. There’s a considerable loss of residential amenity. The odours coming from it are considerable.If we’re going to be reducing waste, we should be talking about the closure of this site.” Personally, I am of the opinionthat is we are actually reducing waste (and this comes from the people who insist that “global warming” is happening)surely the site will become financially unviable and therefore lead to the closure anyway? Maybe I am just too simple.....
Police are appealing to the public for information after a number of rooms at a Tewkesbury hotel were burgled on January21. Entry was forced to six rooms in the hotel on Lincoln Green Lane between 6.50pm and 10.40pm and various items werestolen including; a Dell Webbook Laptop, a Tom Tom sat nav, a number of golf trolleys, a set of golf clubs and Callowaywoods, a wetsuit and a gold necklace. A silver Hyundai Santa Fe Estate was also stolen from the car park. Investigating offic-ers are urging anyone who has any information about the burglaries to contact them a soon as possible. Anyone with anyinformation about the incident is asked to contact Gloucestershire Constabulary on 0845 090 1234 quoting incident number412 of January 21. Alternatively you can call Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555 111.
Cheltenham police have arrested a man following an attempted robbery at a petrol station on the morning of Thursday Jan-uary 7. At approximately 7.15am, police received reports that a man had gone into the Westall Green petrol station onLansdown Road with a knife and threatened a female customer. A 51-year-old man from Tewkesbury was arrested at thescene on suspicion of robbery and is currently assisting police with their enquiries. No one was injured during the incident.Gloucestershire Constabulary would like to thank two members of the public who restrained the man while the police werecalled
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 49, February 2010 - 7 -
COCK OFTHE YEAR
2009
Lloyds Bank (Business Banking)Awarded to
For P*ssing more people off during2009 than even the Parking Taliban.
Complaints include: Unhelpful Business Managers, Ridiculous Fees for being a fewpence overdrawn, Cashpoint® Security (more than once), Lack of return phone calls,Business Manager unavailable, Removal of Overdrafts, Being Bailed out byTaxpayers (More than once), £35 “charges”, £100 Overdraft “set up” fees, closing branchesdue to “adverse weather” then charging for being overdrawn as bank closed. And many many more.
?
Speeding motorists are putting lives at risk in Winchcombe, residents in the town have claimed. John Train said the onlyway to improve safety in Cowl Lane, a main thoroughfare, is to make it a residents' access-only road. He lives in the lane,which does not have a walkway for pedestrians, and says he regularly sees mothers with prams leaping out of the way ofspeeding cars. He said 90 per cent of people living in the lane – which has a 30mph speed limit – want action to be takenbefore an accident happens. He said: "My suggestion is to make Cowl Lane access- only to limit the through traffic as theyare the people who speed along here." Police agreed to monitor movements down the lane in December but found veryfew vehicles had exceeded the speed limit. Mr Train said even 30mph was "far too fast" down the narrow, single-car road."The argument against my suggestion is it would be hard to monitor," he said. "But I cannot accept the argument 'let'shave an accident and then we will do something'." Mr Train is now lobbying police to bring a temporary speed camera tothe site and has been in discussions about making it a 20mph zone. Winchcombe town councillor Sue Sturgeon said theroad was regularly used as a rat run. She said: "Some drivers actually speed up when they see pedestrians. It is not a niceroad to walk down and I don't use it myself because it is not safe. "Nobody seems prepared to do anything about it be-cause there has not actually been an accident. The trouble is the accident could be fatal. "I have had to jump out of theway of cars and there have been occasions where cars speed up and the drivers have a smile on their face." Cowl Lane isalso used by mothers and children as it is one of the routes to school. Richard Waters, stakeholder manager at Gloucester-shire Highways, said access-only roads are notoriously difficult to enforce. He said: "The police carried out a survey onCowl Lane which showed a very low level of traffic using the lane and a very low incidence of speeding. "Access-only or-ders are very onerous for the police to enforce and experience indicates similar orders elsewhere tend not to be well ob-served. "Given the level of traffic using the road is low and there have been no recorded accidents in the last eight years,the merit in using limited resources to introduce a restriction is questionable, notwithstanding the enforcement burden itwould place on the police." Cars accelerating at pedestrians? Mothers with prams having to run out of the way? What areyou smoking man? As the young say ROFLMAO.
Potholes in Winchcombe are putting drivers and cyclists at risk, fear residents. At a meeting of the town council, CouncillorLeslie Fisher claimed Gloucestershire Highways officers told him holes had to be the size of a dinner plate and as deep as agolf ball to be considered dangerous. Mr Fisher, who worked on the highways for 30 years, said this definition was not goodenough and the amount of damage to the town's roads was dangerous. Speaking after the meeting, the councillor, who hasbeen contacted by worried residents about the problem, said: "I think it's very dangerous for cars and especially for peopleon bikes like myself. It's an accident waiting to happen. "I ride my bike every day. You have to miss these potholes. If theyare full of water and you hit one, then you know you have hit one." After hearing of the concerns, Gloucestershire Highwayshas agreed to inspect the town and work out where repairs need to be done. Mr Fisher says Abbots Leys Road is particularlybad, with Gloucester Street and Cheltenham Road also sporting potholes. John Gerrard, the chairman of Friends of Winch-
- 8 - Issue 49, February 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
Browns Butchersof Winchcombe
Jason Brown, Telephone 01242 602333 Email: [email protected] North Street, Winchcombe, Gloucestershire. GL54 5LH
Price ListDeal 1 - All for £99 Deal 2 - All for £50
Deal 1 includes the following:• 5 lbs Gloucester Old Spot Belly Pork• 5 lbs Gloucester Old Spot Sausages
Bigger, Brighter, Better & Warmer!combe, says the town does have a problem with potholes but it is one it shares with many towns in the county. "I do someoccasional cycling. If you cycle down Abbots Leys Road you have to be very careful how you steer your bicycle to make sureyou don't keep going into potholes," he said. "Tobacco Close is littered with potholes. It's really in a shocking state. "We hadthat very severe winter and the county council is having to prioritise and carry out the work as quickly as possible. "It's aproblem, but it's one that is sadly shared by many towns and we do have to be as patient as possible with the people doingthat." Richard Waters, stakeholder manager for Gloucestershire Highways, says the county's roads are regularly inspectedand hazardous defects repaired. He added: "Following a meeting with Councillor Fisher, our safety inspector will be under-taking an inspection of the roads raised at the meeting and will arrange for any potholes to be repaired in accordance withour safety policy. "The size of hole we will repair hasn't changed, but the way we carry out repairs has. We moved in Octo-ber 2009 from an emergency response to potholes to more of a planned response. We will, of course, still respond to seri-ous safety defects quickly, but we are trying to work in a planned way and repair things before they get that bad. "The sizeof hole considered dangerous is 300mm in diameter and a depth of 40mm. Our response time depends on the type of roadand the depth of the hole. 'The size of a dinner plate' and 'the depth of a golf ball' are the description our customer servicesofficers in Gloucestershire Highways give to people calling in to help explain the dimensions of a pothole." If anyone hasconcerns about a road they should call Gloucestershire Highways on 08000 514514 to report problems.
- 10 - Issue 49, February 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 49, February 2010 - 11 -
Jokes &Fun Stuff
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07740 633200My missus is so fat that when she fell down the stairslast week I rushed into the living room as I thoughtEastenders was starting.
Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Tele-graph: "MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed"
I ate too much curry last night. Now my arse feels likea dragons nostril after he sneezes.
Who is the most religious member of the Welsh rugbyteam? Gavin Henson, because he spends all weekendin church.
this is a list of recent meanings of common everydaywords:Special Brew - Central heating for trampsSmackdonalds -Drug den where money is passedthrough one window and the product is passedthrough the second windowPoor Persons Internet -TeletextChav x Factor - Jeremy Kyle ShowThe sandman - Gary GlitterGovernment artist - Draw the doleScousers laptop - PizzaIs it still rape if you shout suprise?
Annoy magicians by manically screaming the jingle toMooooooooooonpig every time they ask you to pick acard.
News headlines; Tiger Woods, wife abandons divorceplans. Is this wise, there will be reminders for her atevery tournament he plays. Get in the hole.
Suicidal blonde twin kills sister in case of mistakenidentity.
Picture some velvet ropes tying you to a post, a quali-ty gag with real leather straps, being humiliated andthen whipped by the finest cat o nine tails money canbuy...this isn’t just any old joke, this is a S&M joke.
When buying from a gypsy, is it politically incorrect topay by travellers cheques?
- 12 - Issue 49, February 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
KaraokeFriday 12th February
Every WednesdayFree Pool, Jukebox,
Wii & Poker Tournament.
Valentine Events all overThe Valentine Weekend
Check out our posters at thePub for exact information.
HAPPY HOUR Fridays 6pm - 7pm£2 Pint on selected stock
HELP!Hi, my names Jennifer and I am lookingfor work in the Winchcombe &Tewkesbury Area. I have not worked forthe last two years but I am prepared to learn anew skill if needed. I am 24 years old.I have no formal qualifications or experience, but Iam perky and bubbly and a friendly, fun person.The picture is of me in my swimsuit. Its blue.Please contact me at [email protected]
COMING SOON:Outdoor Furniture & Gifts for the Garden
I went to one of Prince Harry's birthday parties when I was a little kid. It was great; there was jelly and ice cream,and a bouncy council flat to play on in the garden.
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the pre-ferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of thenegotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has ac-cepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will beused instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be re-placed with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growingpublik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach thestage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the lan-guag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z"and "w" by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 49, February 2010 - 13 -
NEW BARN CARS, UNIT 26,NEPTUNE BUSINESS CENTRETEWKESBURY ROAD, CHELTENHAM. 01242 583000 www.servicemot.com
- 14 - Issue 49, February 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
Tewkesbury GL20 5RXvud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Efter ze fifz yer, ve vil albe speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....
A rich Floridian decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies andneighbours. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the area. The partywas around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Despite being some-what out of place, Leroy was having a good time -- drinking, dancing, eatingshrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of theparty, the host said 'I have a 10 foot aligator in my pool and I'll give amillion dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The wordswere barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyoneturned around and saw Leroy in the pool. Leroy was fighting the aligatorand winning! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwingpunches, head butts and choke holds, biting it on the tail and flipping itthrough the air like some kind of judo champion. Finally Leroy strangled thealigator and let it float to the top like a dead pet goldfish. Leroy then slowlyclimbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Final-ly the host said 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'No, that'sokay. I don't want it,' said Leroy. The rich man said 'You won the bet.How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks, I don't want it,' answeredLeroy. The host said 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That wasamazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?' Again Leroy said no. Con-fused, the rich man asked 'Well,Leroy, what do you want?' Leroysaid, 'I want the name of the son-of-a-bitch who pushed me in thepool!'
A Gynaecologist had become fed upwith malpractice insuranceand paperwork and was burned out.Hoping to try another careerwhere skilful hands would be bene-ficial, he decided to become a me-chanic. He went to the localtechnical college, signed up forclasses, attended diligently, andlearned all he could. When the timefor the practical exam approached,the Gynaecologist prepared careful-ly for weeks and completed the ex-am with tremendous skill. When theresults came back, he was surprisedto find that he had obtained a scoreof 150%. Fearing an error, he calledthe instructor, saying "I don't wantto appear ungrateful for such anoutstanding result, but I wonder ifthere is an error in the grade." Theinstructor said "During the exam,you took the engine apart perfectly,which was worth 50% of the totalmark. You put the engineback together again perfectly, whichis also worth 50% of the mark." Af-ter a pause, the instructor added "Igave you an extra 50% because youdid it all through the exhaust, whichI've never seen done in my entirecareer."
A Texas cowboy walks into a bar andtakes a seat next to a very attractivewoman. He gives her a quick glancethen causally looks at his watch for amoment. The woman notices thisand asks 'Is your date running late?'No', he replies. 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just test-ing it.' The intrigued woman says 'Astate-of-the-art watch? What's sospecial about it?'The cowboy ex-plains 'It uses alpha waves to talk tome telepathically. 'The lady says'What's it telling you now?''Well, itsays you're not wearing any pan-ties.' The woman giggles and replies
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 49, February 2010 - 15 -
vaulted stone cellar believedto be the earliest domesticstructure in Tewkesbury.
Kates Candy & Coffee Shop89 Church Street, Tewkesbury.
Tel: 07528 174584
Freshly Ground Gourmet Coffee
Teas, Hot Chocolate
Snacks, Cream Teas, Sidoli Ice Cream
Tewkesbury Gifts & Tewkesbury Chocolates
Turkish Delight & Belgian Chocolates
Loads of Traditional Sweets
Family Run Business
4 Star Hygiene Rating
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' The cowboy frowns, taps his watch and says 'Damn thing'san hour fast!'
The Preacher says "Anyone with needs to be prayed for, come forward to the front, at the altar." Leroy gets in line,and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." Leroy replies:"Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and places the other ontop of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands,
stands back and asks "Leroy, how is your hearingnow?" Leroy says "I don't know, Reverend, it ain'tuntil next Wednesday."
The difference between Men & Women...NICKNAMESIf Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will calleach other Laura, Kate and Sarah.If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionatelyrefer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.EATING OUTWhen the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will eachthrow in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. Noneof them will have anything smaller and none will actu-ally admit they want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket cal-culators.MONEYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
- 16 - Issue 49, February 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
WinchcombeDoll & Teddy
Hospital21 North Street
Winchcombe01242 603302
We not only sell and repair Dolls, Teddy Bears,Soft toys, Dolls Houses & Accessories, Furniture
& lots of other stuff for ages 0 to 100WE ALSO DO MEN & LADIES ALTERATIONS
POP IN AND HAVE A BROWSE!
The Beds of the Dolls Hospital areempty. WE NEED PATIENTS!Guaranteed C.Diff & M.R.S.A free!
Don’t massacre your hair this Valentines!
Tel: 604390www.cwch.co.uk
Treat the one you love to a for Valentines.
It’s less fattening than Chocolate& lasts longer than flowers!
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't needbut it's on sale.BATHROOMSA man has six items in his bathroom : toothbrush andtoothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and atowel..The average number of items in the typical woman'sbathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identifymore than 20 of these items.ARGUMENTSA woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a newargument.FUTUREA woman worries about the future until she gets a hus-band.A man never worries about the future until he gets awife..SUCCESSA successful man is one who makes more money thanhis wife can spend..A successful woman is one who can find such a man..MARRIAGEA woman marries a man expecting he will change, buthe doesn't.
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 49, February 2010 - 17 -A man marries a womanexpecting that she won'tchange, but she does.DRESSING UPA woman will dress up togo shopping, water theplants, empty the rub-bish, answer the phone,read a book, and get themail.A man will dress up forweddings and funerals.NATURALMen wake up as good-looking as they went tobed.Women somehow deteri-orate during the night.OFFSPRINGAh, children. A womanknows all about her chil-dren. She knows aboutdentist appointments andromances, best friends,favorite foods, secretfears and hopes anddreams.A man is vaguely awareof some short people liv-ing in the house.THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man shouldforget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing!
Major General Peter Cosgrove, an Australian, was interviewed on the radio recently. This is what he said concern-ing guns and children. This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.. It is a portion of an ABC radio interview be-tween a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his militaryHeadquarters.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?GENERAL COSGROVE:We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.But you're equipping them to become violent killers.Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?The radio broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to havekilled most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food isloaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs
- 18 - Issue 49, February 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
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at Spargo!
in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.Can anyone here tell me what food it is that which causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' Afterseveral seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said 'Wedding Cake.'
An elderly lady called the Police emergency number on her cell phone and reported that her car has been broken into.Hysterical, she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal,and even the accelerator!" she cried. The operator said "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, theofficer radioed in. "Disregard..." he said. "She got in the back seat by mistake..."
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little,and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle forthe offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've ob-served that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.' The boy said 'Youknow, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John theBaptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.' To this his fatherreplied 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care... one has adodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 49, February 2010 - 19 -
Nr Winchcombe. GL54 5EP01242 604999
Seafood Evening &Regular Boards
LIVE JAZZ WITHPETER GILL
Friday 12th February
Selected dates in February.Pop into the pub for dates.
Free Pudding with every Main.
Pie, Pint & a Quiz
- 20 - Issue 49, February 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
Your Stars - By Pystical MikePystical Mike would like to wish everyone a Hery Chappy Vristmas, and
an incredibly pyssed up Yew Near. Good Old Charlie Wells! Hic.ARIES
Having had a taste of victory last week, this week may seem like the ideal opportunity to go wild. Distin-guished guests will honour you today with their presence. Armchair politicians will affect your life today asthey rise from their dank pits and begin to conquer the known world.
TAURUSHat buying could serve you well today as a potential relationship sparks up in a hat shop. Specifically, you'll belooking at hats. Your potential partner may be looking at gloves. You may discuss why a hat shop sells gloves.
GEMINIBits and pieces of the day will flash before your eyes before you've seen them. This is all due to the excitementand pleasure at a new found love - your love of drinking methanol. You will feel cleansed this week after a vis-it to an oncologist ends with sexy results. Or at least, you'll prefer to think of them as sexy though your night-mares may last until the Autumn. Of next year.
CANCERTemptation looms high over the agenda today as you suddenly notice that your colleague has rather a nice bot-tom and appears to make you need to stare at it. Your belief that bewitching exists is made possible today. Youwill overhear gossip today about your love life whilst you are sat on the toilet. You may have cause to damnyour flatulent ways before you hear the really juicy bit.
LEOYour doctor will be able to diagnose your current problems far better than me. But only I can tell you that yourbroken heart will never heal. NEVER. NEVER!!! Mouldy coffee cups may not be breeding the penicillin youhope they are.
VIRGOTemptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discoverthat temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting "It's not my fault, I'm looking fortemptation!" Someone close to you will brush your arm today in a way that will make you think that you're "inthere". However, what you may not see is that they have a cold and have just passed it your way via a wethand.
LIBRATenderness ought to be tried whenever possible. Always slapping the ass of your lover during love-making willnot always be a turn on. Especially during or after 'piles' problems.
SCORPIOThe post-office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that for once is neitherticking, covered in mysterious powder, or have red-stamped URGENT all over it.
SAGITTARIUSYou have a very positive outlook on life that may have to shift slightly to fit in with a new persona that may beforced onto you today. Gift horses always happen to those who least expect it. The moral of this horoscope is:expect a gift horse.
CAPRICORNYour daily rituals are what keep you going. Avoid the temptation to change your ways, lest you become halfthe person you are today. Whether you want to or not, this week will have a journey in store for you. Clarity ofthought is something you need to accomplish today. Optrex is your lucky fluid for the day.
AQUARIUSCareful how you handle yourself today - others may be more tense than usual. Weeks are made to find newways of entertaining yourself during boredom. Make sure your weekend reflects this happier time. A lot ofyour work will be undone today as someone evil and vicious sets about making your life less nice.
PISCESThe stars are looking good for you today as Mars pulls into a region of the sky that foretells of woe, misery,despair and false-hope.
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 49, February 2010 - 21 -
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a gingerhaired kid with two friends?
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in frontof a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door wasthrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed "What are you doing?" "There," said thewife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"
The doctor checked on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," hesaid. She asked "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed topause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied "Yes, you'll be fine.
- 22 - Issue 49, February 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
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It's just that no one has ever asked me that after havingtheir tonsils out."
A general store owner hires a young female assistant wholikes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One daya young man enters the store, glances at the girl and atthe loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing thelength of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, hehas a brilliant idea. 'I'd like some raisin bread please', hesays politely. The young female nods and climbs up a lad-der to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the verytop shelf. The young man standing almost directly be-neath her gets an excellent view, just as he hoped hewould. Once she descends the ladder, he muses that hereally should get two loaves as he is having company fordinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf, one of theother male customers notices what was going on. Think-ing quickly, he too asks for a loaf of raisin bread. Witheach trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch theeye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each malecustomer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the girlclimb up the ladder. After many trips she is tired and irri-tated, but thinking that she is really going to have to trythe bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, shestops and glares at the men standing below. She noticesan elderly man staring up at her. Thinking to save herselfa trip, she calls to the elderly man 'Is yours raisin too?''No,' he croaks, 'but it's a-quiverin.'
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 49, February 2010 - 23 -
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- 24 - Issue 49, February 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
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