Further Along the Road

Further Along the Road…for Teens

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Book Title: Further Along the Road

Author: Fazal-Ur-Rehman

Edition: First

Year of Publishing: 2012

Price : Rs. 290

All Rights Reserved.


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Book II of the ‘for-teens’ series…

A Personal-Development Book

Further Along the Road

…for Teens

by

Fazal-Ur-Rehman


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Disclaimer

Reasonable care has been taken to ensure

that the information presented in this

book is accurate. However, the reader

should understand that the information

provided does not constitute legal,

medical or professional advice of any

kind.

Use of this product constitutes

acceptance of the “No Liability” policy. If

you do not agree with this policy, you are

not permitted to use this product.


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Foreward Now it gives me immense pleasure to talk to you once again regarding ‘re-shaping’ our lives employing the tactics that all the spiritual leaders of the past have employed. More than anything else, I feel delighted to present to you the stuff that took me a year and a half to compile. Contrary to the first book of this series, the ‘thought-factor’ book, where all the chapters were interwoven into each other and the book reached to a climax in its last chapter, this book follows a slightly different outline. The chapters here are not that strongly bonded, but they all do have a common theme, and that is: to help you grow spiritually and to help you dwell in a life of peace and tranquility. In this book, I’ve introduced some ‘tea-time chapters’ that are all time-tested tips for a better living. Furthermore, some worksheets have been formulated to help you chalk out your future strategies regarding the implementation of this personal-development stuff into your life. Some short stories have been introduced to make the stuff palatable. Over the last one and a half year, I went through hundreds of stories and most of them touching enough to bring tears to my eyes. So, I had a really hard time making the right choice regarding the selection of stories, for I couldn’t stuff all of them into this book. I browsed and browsed the web day in and day out just to ‘skim’ some inspirational stories that would help you learn how to implement this personal-development stuff into your life. And last, but not the least, my special regards to those who inspired me to write the book II of this series. It was really encouraging to hear people


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over far flung areas going through that ‘thought-factor’ book and mailing me their views regarding it. The soft copy circulated even amongst those whom I never came across and may never come across in my life. As before, you’re more than welcome to share your views regarding this book with me. Do write to me at: [email protected]. Stay blessed. Fazal-Ur-Rehman. King Edward Medical University, Lahore. 20th June, 2012.

mailto:[email protected]


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Dedicated to you Mum


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A very important note before you start:

My Dear You,

It’s great if you’ve got the hard copy of this book.

But if you’ve the soft copy, I sincerely recommend that

you get a print out of the following pages, for these

pages constitute the worksheets of this book.

And it is in these worksheets that you’re gonna actually

learn how to implement the personal-development stuff

into your life. Saying it very modestly, this book won’t be

of much help to you if you do not fill in those sheets.

The pages are:

42, 43 (kindness)

59 to 61 (kindness)

125 to 128 (gratitude)

151 to 156 (gratitude)

190 to 203 (anger management)

260 to 267 (stress management)


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There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the

mirror, and noticed she had only three hair on her head.

“Well”, she said, “I think I'll braid my hair today.”

So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had

only two hair on her head.

“H-M-M,” she said, “I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.”

So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had

only one hair on her head.

“Well,” she said, “today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.”

So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there

wasn't a single hair on her head.

“YEA!” She exclaimed, “I don't have to fix my hair today!”

Attitude is everything.


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Contents

Chapter no. 1…The Introduction

Chapter no. 2… Kindness…It’s Good To Be Good Sometimes!

Chapter no. 3…Tea-Time Chapter No. 1

Chapter no. 4…Smile Please!



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Chapter no. 6…Gratitude…One Step Ahead!

Chapter no. 7…Anger Management


Chapter no. 9…Analyse Your Personality (It’s Good To Know Your

Ownself)

Chapter no. 10…Stress Management


Chapter no. 12…Keeping Hope Alive; It’s Time To Say Good-Bye!



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Chapter No. 1

The Introduction

Ahhh!

Not A-G-A-I-N!!!

I wonder if these introduction chapters are ever gonna stop

troubling me. They offer so much of a challenging task, for it’s in

the ‘introduction’ that I have to grab you, or I never will. And this


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time I’m not gonna share anything like Benn-shen, for it was after

that thought-factor book that many people started calling me

Benn! So, I made it a word to myself not to tell you anymore

about Benn and his life.

This time we’re gonna have an altogether different start. We’re

gonna reflect the impact of attitude on our lives. Get ready for

that!

But before we launch onto that, let me share with you a little

story that I came across somewhere:

Once, a man pulled up into a gas station in the country,

and asked the gas station attendant, "What are the

people like in the next town up ahead?"

The attendant said, "What were the people like in the

town you just came from?"

"Awful people," the man responded.


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"Rude, cold, hostile, abrupt, unfriendly. They wouldn't

give me the time of day."

"Well," said the attendant, "I'm sorry to say it, but

you're going to find exactly the same sort of people in

the next town up ahead."

A bit later, another driver pulled in, heading in the same

direction as the first.

"What are the people like in the next town up ahead?"

the second man asked. The attendant said, "What were

the people like in the town you just came from?"

"Wonderful people," the second man responded.

"Friendly, warm, helpful, patient, kind. They went out of

their way to help a stranger."


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"Well," said the attendant, "I'm happy to tell you that

you're going to find exactly the same kind of people in

the next town up ahead."

My very dear, we cannot change our past. We cannot change the

fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the

inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we

have, and that is our attitude. While I was browsing for this

personal-development stuff I came across this line tens of times

and now I am really convinced what it says is true: life is 10%

what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. It holds true for

all the people. We are in charge of our attitudes!

Please allow me to say that again: life is 10% what happens to us

and 90% how we react to it.

This 90/10 secret is incredible! Very few know and apply this

secret. The result? Millions of people are suffering undeserved

stress, trials, problems, and heartache. They never seem to be a

success in life. Bad days follow bad days. Terrible things seem to


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be constantly happening. There is constant stress, lack of joy, and

broken relationships. Worry consumes time, anger breaks

friendships, and life seems dreary and is not enjoyed to the fullest.

Friends are lost. Life is a bore and often seems cruel. Does this

description describe you? If so, do not be discouraged. You can

be different! Understand and apply the 90/10 secret. It will change

your life! What is this secret? 10% of life is made up of what

happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react.

Now what does that mean? We really have no control over 10%

of what happens to us. We cannot stop the car from breaking

down. The bus may be late arriving, which throws our whole

schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic, unexpected guests,

sore throat and the list goes on and on. We have no control over

this 10%.


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Question: There were once three frogs

on a log and one of them made a decision

to jump in. How many were left?

Answer: There are still three frogs on a

log; he only made a decision, he took no

action!

The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%! How?

By your reaction. You cannot control a red light, but you can

control your reaction.

Don't let people fool you, YOU can control how you react!

Now we’re gonna illustrate this principle with an example:

You're eating breakfast with your family. Your sister knocks over

a cup of tea onto your new

shirt. You have no control

over what just happened.

What happens next will be

determined by how you

react.

You curse. You harshly scold your sister for knocking the tea cup

over. She breaks down into tears. After scolding her, you turn to

your Mum and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the

edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm

upstairs and change your shirt.


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Back downstairs you find your sister has been too busy crying to

finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. You

must leave immediately for college. You rush to the car and drive

your sister to school. Because you are late, you drive 80

kilometres an hour in a 60 kmph speed limit zone.

After a 15 minute delay and throwing Rs. 500 (traffic fine) away,

you arrive at school. Your sister runs to the building without

saying good-bye. After arriving at your institute 20 minutes late,

you find you forgot your assignment that you were supposed to

present that day.

Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get

worse and worse. You look forward to going home. When you

arrive home you find a small wedge in your relationship with

your Mum and sister.

Why? Because of how you reacted in the morning.

Now think over it! Why did you have a bad day?

A) Did the tea cause it?


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B) Did your sister cause it?

C) Did the Policeman cause it?

D) Did you cause it?

The answer is D. You had no control over what happened with

the tea. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your

bad day.

Here is what could have and should have happened. Tea splashes

over you. Your sister is about to cry. You gently say, "It's OK my

dear, you just need to be more careful next time". Grabbing a

towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your

assignment, you come back down in time to look through the

window and see your sis getting onto the bus. She turns and

waves. You bade your Mum good-bye before you leave for your

college. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet your

friends. One of your friends comments on how good of day you

are having.


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Notice the difference? Two different scenarios. Both started the

same. Both ended different. Why? Because of how you

REACTED. You really do not have any control over 10% of what

happens. The other 90% is determined by your reaction.

Here I’ve got for you some other ways to apply the 90/10 secret.

If someone says something negative about you, do not be a

sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You do not

have to let the negative comment affect you! React properly and

it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a

friend, being criticised, getting stressed out, etc.


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Remember the three

R's: Respect for self;

Respect for others;

Responsibility for all

your actions.

How do you react if someone cuts

you off in traffic? Do you lose

your temper? Pound the steering

wheel? Do you curse? Does your

blood pressure skyrocket? Do you

try and bump them? WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later

at work? Why let the blue car ruin your drive. Remember the 90-

10 principle, and do not worry about it!

You are told you got an F in a subject you toiled day in and day

out. Why lose sleep or get irritated? It will work out. Use your

‘worrying’ energy and time into finding a solution of how to

improve your grade for the next test. The bus is late. It is going to

mangle your schedule for the day. Why take out your frustration

on the ticket-seller at his cabin? He has no control over what is

going on. Use your time to study, to get to know the other

passengers, etc. Why get stressed out? It will just make things

worse.


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You now know the 90-10 secret. Apply it and you will be amazed

at the results!!!

Now this book of ours is not gonna be quite informative if it

doesn’t provide the practical solutions to the problems that we all

encounter.

So, in this introduction chapter of ours, I’m gonna tell you one

other technique that will help you keep the negative thoughts out

of your mind. The personal development consultants call it ‘the

magic bracelet’.

It's easy to get and it's easy to use, and it works. Simply get an

elastic band and begin wearing it on your wrist, no one else needs

to see it. Wear it constantly 24 hours a day, for as long as it takes,

usually around 90 days, although you may see significant changes

well before the 90 days are up, it's got a lot of work to do, so

persevere.

If it breaks simply replace it. Here's how it works.


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Every time you catch yourself saying or thinking a non-useful

thought, or every time you notice a habit that doesn't help you,

snap the elastic band. Yes, I know it hurts, that's the idea it's

supposed to hurt. The pain sends a message to your subconscious

mind that you are keen to change this negative idea for something

much more positive. So simply say the positive opposite of what

made you 'SNAP' the band and the new positive thought message

will gradually get lodged into your mind thus creating more

positive results.

This simple inexpensive magic bracelet will gradually change

what you don't want for what you do want, you will begin to

enjoy more of the abundance that is here to share, and your life

will improve as a direct result of your wonderful mind and your

magic bracelet.


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People will probably forget

what you said and they will

possibly forget what you

did . . . but they will never

forget how you made them

feel!

My dear, every morning that you wake up, you have a choice

what to throw out into the world. Whatever you ‘throw’ will come

back to you multiplied. Confused? Okay, let me explain:

We live in a boomerang world.

Here, everything that you give to others will return to you in one

form or the other.

If you smile at someone, in

almost every case, they will

smile back. Try it now with

someone nearby and see if it

works.

If you're kind towards someone, they will usually be kind in

return. Of course, this also works in the other direction.

If you complain to someone, they will share their complaints with

you. In fact, you may quickly find yourself in a subtle

competition to see who is more miserable.

If you get angry at someone, they will usually get angry with you.


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And so on ...

The fact is, whatever you decide to throw out into the world will

usually circle around and land right back at your feet, much like

the boomerangs (frisbee, as I used to call it) we played with as

kids.

You have a choice about what you decide to throw out into your

world. You have a choice about what you want to land at your

feet.

If you want more joy - throw it out there.

If you want more happiness - throw some happiness out there to

someone else and watch it miraculously come back to you.

It even works with money. Need money? Give some away. The

spiritual leaders from the beginning of the times have been telling

us this, but most of us are afraid to believe it.

It works in just about every area of our lives. When we give

something away, when we throw it out there - it comes back to us.

But here's the good news and this is really the miraculous part: we


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actually get more back than what we throw out there. Plant a seed

and you don't just get one seed back. You get hundreds - maybe

even thousands!

So, today and for as many days afterwards as you want, make a

conscious choice about what you want to throw out into the

world. By doing this, you will be making a choice about what is

going to come back and land at your feet.

Remember the boomerang (frisbee) and that whatever you throw

out there, will come back to you many times over.

James Bender, in his book ‘How to Talk Well’ (published

in 1994 by McGraw-Hill Book Company Inc.) relates the

story of a farmer who grew award-winning corn. Each

year he entered his corn in the state fair where it won a

blue ribbon.


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One year a newspaper reporter interviewed him and

learned something interesting about how he grew it. The

reporter discovered that the farmer shared his seed

corn with his neighbours.

‘’How can you afford to share your best seed corn with

your neighbours when they are entering their corn in

competition with yours each year?’’ the reporter asked.

‘’Why sir,’’ said the farmer, ‘’didn't you know? The wind

picks up pollen from the ripening corn and swirls it from

field to field. If my neighbours grow inferior corn,

cross-pollination will steadily degrade the quality of my

corn. If I am to grow good corn, I must help my

neighbours grow good corn.’’


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He is very much aware of the connectedness of life. His corn

cannot improve unless his neighbour's corn also improves.

So it is in other dimensions of our lives.

Those who choose to be at peace, must help their neighbours to

be at peace.

Those who choose to live well must help others to live well, for

the value of a life is measured by the lives it touches.

And those who choose to be happy must help others to find

happiness, for the welfare of each is bound up with the welfare of

all.

The lesson for each of us is this . . . if we are to grow good corn,

we must help our neighbours grow good corn.

Now a humble piece of advice: as you voyage through this book,

you’ll find chapters concerning anger and stress management. But

don’t you ever think that they are not for you. No matter how

‘chill-type’ or ‘chill-er’’ you are, I highly recommend that you

spare some time going through those chapters, for once you’re


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grief- or trauma- or failure-stricken, or you get into some

unfortunate whirl of life, I’m sure you won’t be getting sufficient

time looking for stuff on stress and anger management. They have

been written for you, yes for YOU ONLY! You need to be armed

to cope with all those unexpected happenings that come your

way. Furthermore, these chapters may help you avert many

undesirable events.

Now this introductory discourse of ours would span on many

many pages if we ourselves do not put a stop at it right now. You

see, the personal-development study material has a vast expanse

and it would go on and on. This book is gonna teach you many

techniques how to master your relationship-building, peaceful

lifestyle and a lot more. All that you have to do is to NOT to

make a stop. Just go on…You’ll learn one of the best lessons of

your life in the chapter that follows.


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Chapter no. 2

Kindness…It’s Good To Be Good

Sometimes!

“People often asked me what is the most effective

technique for transforming their lives. It is a little

embarrassing that after years and years of research


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and experimentation, I have to say that the best answer

is - just be a little kinder.”

Aldous Huxley

Kindness –whether you call it the ‘karma’, or the ‘power of

positive thinking’, works from the belief that you’ll be rewarded

for good intentions. Dr. Dyer shares the science behind kindness

in ‘The Power of Intention’:

“When you do something kind for someone else, their

brain releases serotonin – and so does yours! Serotonin

is a hormone that makes us feel good. So, every act of

kindness makes two happier people in the world.”

The search for happiness is a universal quest. It seems only

logical it should centre around us. Instead, it really centres around

others.


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How often are people called to our attention and we think that

somebody else will help or that it’s not really our concern? It can

be as simple as giving or lending money or as simple as listening

to a friend’s problems.

I came across this story somewhere... and it still wets my eyes

every time I go through it:

This is from an old story, back in the '30s, in the days

when an ice cream sundae cost much less. A 10 year-old

boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A

waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" the little boy asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and

studied the coins he had.


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"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he

inquired.

By now, more people were waiting for a table and the

waitress was growing very impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the

table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream,

paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back,

she began to cry. As she wiped down the table, there

placed neatly beside the empty dish were two nickels


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and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae

because he had to have enough money to leave her a tip.

It's a great feeling when you see someone smile and know that

you made a difference. Even if it's only for a minute. This is the

idea of a random act of kindness. This world-wide phenomenon

encourages people to go out and do something nice for someone,

even a stranger. It could be as simple as sending a card, book, or

anything you know they would like.

Here’s another little anecdote:

A nurse escorted a tired, anxious young man to the bed

side of an elderly man.

"Your son is here," she whispered to the patient. She

had to repeat the words several times before the

patient's eyes opened. He was heavily sedated because


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of the pain of his heart attack and he dimly saw the

young man standing outside the oxygen tent.

He reached out his hand and the young man tightly

wrapped his fingers around it, squeezing a message of

encouragement. The nurse brought a chair next to the

bedside. All through the night the young man sat holding

the old man’s hand, and offering gentle words of hope.

The dying man said nothing as he held tightly to his son.

As dawn approached, the patient died. The young man

placed on the bed the lifeless hand he had been holding,

and then he went to notify the nurse.

While the nurse did what was necessary, the young man

waited. When she had finished her task, the nurse began


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to say words of sympathy to the young man. But he

interrupted her.

"Who was that man?" He asked.

The startled nurse replied, "I thought he was your

father."

"No, he was not my father," he answered, "I never saw

him before in my life."

"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to

him?" asked the nurse.

He replied, "I also knew he needed his son, and his son

just wasn't here. When I realised he was too sick to tell

whether or not I was his son, I knew how much he

needed me..."


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My friend, you never know how much your one act can spread.

For example, maybe you surprise your co-worker with an

anonymous gift of a book, and now he's a little happier. So he

says something nice to the checkout boy at the grocery store, who

feels a little better about himself and so he spends some extra

quality time with his kid when he gets home. His kid is happier in

turn so he goes to school the next day and is nicer to a classmate...

Do remember: in all the universe, in all time, you are the only

you; never have molecules come together exactly like you, never

again will your footsteps be repeated upon this earth. Your

strength is the strength someone can count on, your life is the life

that can make a difference.

Opportunities for kindness present themselves daily. By

developing an enhanced sensitivity to our social environment,

we’ll notice things we haven’t seen before. More people will be

helped. And we’ll make ourselves more authentic and happier in

the process.


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And do remember one thing: kindness surely pays back!

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to

door to pay his way through school, found he had only

one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house.

However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman

opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink

of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him

a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked,

"How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has

taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."

He said, "Then I thank you from my heart."


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Years later that young woman became critically ill. The

local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the

big city, where they called in specialists to study her

rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the

consultation. When he heard the name of the town she

came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately

he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her

room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see

her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the

consultation room determined to do his best to save her

life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly

requested the business office to pass the final bill to

him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something


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on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. The

woman feared to open it, for she was sure it would take

the rest of her life to pay for it all.

Finally she looked, and something caught her attention

on the side of the bill.

She read these words... "Paid in full with one glass of

milk."

(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as she held that bill

clenched in her fists.

Again I say, opportunities for kindness present themselves daily.

It requires attentiveness. As the antennae of insects scan an area

to sense their surroundings, it’s beneficial for us and others to

develop an enhanced sensitivity to our social environment. We’ll


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start to notice things we haven’t seen before. People will be

helped. And we'll make ourselves more authentically happy in the

process.

Kindness is an important strength all of us can practise. It allows

us to focus on something outside ourselves, something larger than

we are. Being kind usually isn’t difficult. It requires no special

training or equipment. It only requires attentiveness and

willingness to help.

While sixty, seventy or eighty years of life may seem like a long

time, time for all of us is finite. We have limited control over how

long we live, but we have a great deal of control over how we

live.

Our own life, when compared against the expanse of eternity and

the generations that have preceded us, is startlingly short, but

nevertheless it can be productive. How productive have we been

so far? How meaningful are we going to be in the time we have

left? Are we going to leave a legacy worth remembering? Maria


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“You have not lived today

until you have done

something for someone

who can never repay you.”

John B.

Shriver puts a fine point on it in ‘And One More Thing Before You

Go’:

“You want to feel good? Then do good.”

Kindness is an inner desire that makes us want to do good things

even if we do not get anything in

return. It is the joy of our life to do

them. When we do good things

from this inner desire, there is

kindness in everything we think,

say, want and do

Now before we move on, here’s a little exercise for you to

attempt:

Performing random acts of kindness means doing kind things for

others because it is the right thing to do and for no other reason.

Please list and describe 10 random acts of kindness that you have

performed in the past two weeks.


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1.___________________________________________________

_____________________________

2.___________________________________________________

_______________________________

3.___________________________________________________

_______________________________

4.___________________________________________________

_______________________________

5.___________________________________________________

_______________________________

6.___________________________________________________

_______________________________

7.___________________________________________________

_______________________________

8.___________________________________________________

_______________________________


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9.___________________________________________________

_______________________________

10.__________________________________________________

_______________________________

In today’s world, kindness is often perceived as weakness, and so

to act kindly is not a common practice. We live in a world that is

harsh and very unkindly, a world characterised by greed,

selfishness and intolerance. But it shouldn’t stop us from being

kind.

Now here’s another story that I came across on the web while I

was browsing for the self-help notes on kindness. Another

touching story…

A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming

home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his

parents from San Francisco.


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"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I've a favour to

ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me."

"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."

"There's something you should know," the son continued,

"he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on

a land mine and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere

else to go, and I want him to come live with us."

"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him

find somewhere to live."

"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."

"Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're

asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible

burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't


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let something like this interfere with our lives. I think

you should just come home and forget about this guy.

He'll find a way to live on his own."

At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents

heard nothing more from him. A few days later,

however, they received a call from the San Francisco

police. Their son had died after falling from a building,

they were told. The police believed it was suicide. The

grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were

taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their

son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also

discovered something they didn't know; their son had

only one arm and one leg!

The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to


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love those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we

don't like people who inconvenience us or make us feel

uncomfortable. We would rather stay away from people who

aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are.

To be kind to others, we must first learn to be kind to ourselves.

You cannot give what you do not have. If you are not kind to

yourself, how can you be kind to others?

Be patient with yourself. Once in a while pause, take a rest and let

your soul catch up with your body.

Everybody needs kindness in one form or other. Give a smile to

someone. Lend a helping hand to someone who needs it. Be

sensitive to people’s needs. Show empathy. Give encouraging

words to your friends, siblings or colleagues who are striving.

Remember the golden rule: ‘Do unto others what you want them

to do to you’. Life is too short not to care.


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Again a little story. You see, I just want to keep you with me as

far as we’re together. This is what I call kindness exhibited at a

micro-level! While you enjoy the story, don’t forget the

underlying theme, and that is kindness. I’ve found this story a

little too amusing.

There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of

a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the

front of his pants are wet.

He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot

possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never

happened before, and he knows that when the boys find

out he will never hear the end of it.

When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again

as long as he lives.


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The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his

head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an

emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm

dead meat."

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher

with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking towards him, a classmate

named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled

with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and

inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying

to himself,

"Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"


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Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of

ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher

rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put

on while his pants dry out.

All the other children are on their hands and knees

cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful.

But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have

been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out.

"You've done enough, you fool!"

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for

the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You

did that on purpose, didn't you?"


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Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too."

Kindness is an important strength all of us can practise. It clearly

meets the definition of applying ourselves to something outside

ourselves, something larger than we are. Being kind usually isn’t

difficult. It requires no special training or equipment. It only

requires attentiveness and willingness to help.

We should give as often as we can. For some of us it will be

frequently, for others only occasionally. It all helps. It might take

us a while to get there, but as with any other worthwhile direction

we’re moving in, we don’t always have to be running or walking

towards it. It’s okay to crawl sometimes too.

When done frequently enough, it might allow us to gain the same

surprising insight that Walt Whitman did: “I am larger, better

than I thought. I did not know I held so much goodness.”


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When we can live this revelation, it not only helps others, it can

help us discover what’s missing in our own lives. There is always

time.

No matter how wonderful something tangible is, you can’t take it

with you.

If you’re not satisfied with the quality of your own contribution at

this point, there’s still time left to do something about it.

Now again we have a little quiz. It’ll take you just 30 seconds to

go through it all. I got this quiz from the net and am sure you

must have seen it somewhere.

Don't bother getting a pen and paper... just read... if you can't

answer them, just keep going.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.


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4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.

5. Name the last five Academy Award winners for Best Actor and

Actress.

How did you do?

The point is: none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday.

These are no second-rate achievers. They're the best in their

fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are

forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Now here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. Name three teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and

special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.


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Easier?

The lesson?

The people who make a difference in your life aren't the ones with

the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They're

the ones who care.

The quiz’s over…the message conveyed. Now back to the

conversation.

My dear, there’s still lots of time left for most of us to do many

things to benefit others, by words or actions.

What you give is yours for good. What you keep is lost forever.

Sometimes, life becomes so routine that we do not have to think

about a thing we are doing throughout the day. We are

programmed to run on automatic. It is important to shake things

up every once in a while to get the creative juices flowing, to give

us an added boost of energy, or to give us something to

concentrate on for a change.


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Now here’s again a little story. I hope you’re not tired going

through them, but believe you me, kindness is one of those things

which are better demonstrated than preached.

A couple, whom we shall call John and Mary, had a nice

home and two lovely children, a boy and a girl. John had

a good job and had just been asked to go on a business

trip to another city and would be gone for several days.

It was decided that Mary needed an outing and would go

along too. They hired a reliable woman to care for the

children and made the trip, returning home a little

earlier than they had planned.

As they drove into their home town feeling glad to be

back, they noticed smoke, and they went off their usual

route to see what it was. They found a home in flames.


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Mary said, "Oh! Well it isn't our fire, let's go home."

But John drove closer and exclaimed, "That home

belongs to Fred Jones who works at the plant. He

wouldn't be off work yet, maybe there is something we

could do."

"It has nothing to do with us," protested Mary.

"You have your good clothes on; let’s not get any closer."

But John drove up and stopped and they were both

horror stricken to see the whole house in flames.

A woman on the lawn was in hysterics, screaming, "The

children! Get the children!"

John grabbed her by the shoulder saying, "Get a hold of

yourself and tell us where the children are!"


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"In the basement," sobbed the woman, "down the hall

and to the left."

In spite of Mary's protests, John grabbed the water

hose and soaked his clothes, put his wet handkerchief on

his head and bolted for the basement which was full of

smoke and scorching hot. He found the door and

grabbed two children, holding one under each arm like

the football player he was. As he left he could hear

some more whimpering. He delivered the two badly

frightened and nearly suffocated children into waiting

arms and filled his lungs with fresh air and started back

asking how many more children were down there. They

told him two more and Mary grabbed his arm and


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screamed, "John! Don't go back! It's suicide! That house

will cave in any second!"

But he shook her off and went back by feeling his way

down the smoke-filled hallway and into the room. It

seemed an eternity before he found both children and

started back. They were all three coughing and he

stooped low to get what available air he could. As he

stumbled up the endless steps the thought went through

his mind that there was something strangely familiar

about the little bodies clinging to him, and at last when

they came out into the sunlight and fresh air, he found

that he had just rescued HIS OWN children!

The baby-sitter had left them at this home while she

did some shopping.


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Actually it's even better if you don't let the recipient know who it

was that did the good deed. Just sit back and smile because you

know you made their day. More ideas...

1) Send someone a card and tell them what it is you think is

neat about them.

2) Give someone a hug or a squeeze on the shoulder. Now this

is something my favourite! A warm and gentle human

touch, as rare it is, I believe is the most-valued these days.

3) Pick up the trash in the park and help make it beautiful.

4) Open the door for someone.

5) Look at a ‘stranger’ warmly and say ‘salam’.

6) Go to a hospital or a nursing home and let someone talk

your ears off.

7) SMILE!!!!!!!!!! Smiles are contagious!

You will get out of life whatever it is you focus on. So why not

focus on the positive? Instead of repeating the negative news you


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hear, start a kindness chain and give the world something positive

to talk about at the water cooler...

Now we’re back again with another exercise. The given below are

the nine questions regarding how loving-kindness is currently

being demonstrated in your life. This exercise aims at giving you

a deeper insight into your own heart. Be honest to yourself!

In response to the questions, you are to write the response

numerical in 1,2 or 3 where:

1=Seldom True

2=Sometimes True

3=Often True

1) I am inspired by and through loving-kindness.

__________(1,2 or 3)

2) I readily seek to forgive and to be forgiven; I do not trade in

blame and shame.


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__________(1,2 or 3)

3) I listen with an open heart.

__________(1,2 or 3)

4) I know when I am being loving and when I am projecting

judgment (positive or negative).

_________(1,2 or 3)

5) I am gentle and tender with all hearts, including my own.

__________(1,2 or 3)

6) My heart overflows with peace and love.

_________(1,2 or 3)

7) I let go of arrogance and indifference in favour of humility and

respect.

_________(1,2 or 3)


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8) I intuitively know when I am coming from ego and when I am

coming from my heart.

_________(1,2 or 3)

9) I am in good-hearted relationship with others.

_________(1,2 or 3)

One very powerful action and attitude you can embrace is the

practice of random acts of kindness while also creating the pay-it-

forward system of living. Random acts of kindness are just that:

they’re random, and they’re kind. When you give out of your pure

desire to give and you expect nothing in return, AND you do this

only to benefit others, then you’re practising random acts of

kindness.

Think about the energy you’re sowing: love, acceptance, care,

support, and generosity. These are all very powerful seeds to be

planted in the garden of your life. And although you do this

without any expectation of return (in fact, you do it just for the


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sake of doing it, which in itself is a precious gift), the truth is

these acts will benefit you in countless ways. Now let me say that

again: kindness surely and surely comes back. You remember the

line you went through in the intro-chapter: ...whatever you decide

to throw out into the world will usually circle around and land

right back at your feet, much like the boomerangs (frisbee, as I

used to call it) we played with as kids.

Now here’s a true story regarding the practical demonstration of

these lines:

One night, at 11:30 PM, an older Afro-American woman

was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying

to endure a lashing rain storm.

Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a

ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next

car.


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A young white man stopped to help her, generally

unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took

her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into

a taxi cab. She seemed to be in a big hurry. She wrote

down his address, thanked him, and drove away.

Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door.

To his surprise, a giant console colour TV was delivered

to his home. A special note was attached. It read:

Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the

other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but

my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was

able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just

before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and

unselfishly serving me.


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Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

You know something, the ‘pay-it-forward’ comes from a system

dreamed up by a very wise, very young man who proposed, as

part of a homework assignment, if we each did something

positive for three other people and asked them to do the same for

three other people, in a very short time everyone in the world

would be positively affected.

It’s easy to pay back people when they’ve done you a favour. But

this system is about doing someone a favour, then asking them to

return it by doing one for someone else. Again, you’re planting

the seeds of lush abundance and prosperity by practising random

acts of kindness and by adopting a pay-it-forward attitude.

This motivation tip from the e-book, ‘101 Ways to Change the

World’, doesn't take much time, so begin to make a difference

today! You'll feel better and so will the recipient of your kindness.

Send at least one e-mail a day telling someone:


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* how much they are appreciated

* thanking them for something they did for you

* telling them something you like about them

* You can also send beautiful, encouraging e-cards

Now here’s again another story. I know I have packed this chapter

with stories, but again I say: kindness is something not to be

preached, but to be demonstrated! Every story that I came across

was so touching that I had quite a hard time selecting the ones to

be discussed in this chapter. This one is the last story of this

article. Make sure you understand and remember the message

underlying! This is a real story contributed by Mr. Robert

Peterson on one of the personal-development websites that I

browsed. This is one of those touching stories that no matter how

hard I tried, I couldn’t just slip it out of this chapter.

She was six years old when I first met her on the beach

near where I live. I drive to this beach, a distance of


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three or four miles, whenever the world begins to close

in on me.

She was building a sandcastle or something and looked

up, her eyes as blue as the sea.

"Hello," she said.

I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to bother

with a small child.

"I'm building," she said.

"I see that. What is it?" I asked, not caring.

"Oh, I don't know, I just like the feel of sand."

That sounds good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes.

A sandpiper (a bird) was flying nearby.

"That's a Joy," the child said.


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"It's a what?"

"It's a Joy. My mama says sandpipers come to bring us

joy."

The bird went gliding down the beach.

"Good-bye joy," I muttered to myself, "hello pain," and

turned to walk on. I was depressed; my life seemed

completely out of balance.

"What's your name?" She wouldn't give up.

"Robert," I answered. "I'm Robert Peterson."

"Mine's Wendy... I'm six."

"Hi, Wendy."

She giggled. "You're funny," she said.


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In spite of my gloom I laughed too and walked on. Her

musical giggle followed me.

"Come again, Mr. P," she called, "we'll have another

happy day."

The days and weeks that followed belonged to others:

PTA meetings, an ailing mother and so on. The sun was

shining one morning as I took my hands out of the

dishwater.

"I need a sandpiper," I said to myself, gathering up my

coat. The ever-changing balm of the seashore awaited

me. The breeze was chilly, but I strode along, trying to

recapture the serenity I needed. I had forgotten the

child and was startled when she appeared.

"Hello, Mr. P," she said. "Do you want to play?"


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"What did you have in mind?" I asked, with a twinge of

annoyance.

"I don't know, you say."

"How about charades?" I asked sarcastically.

The tinkling laughter burst forth again. "I don't know

what that is."

"Then let's just walk." Looking at her, I noticed the

delicate fairness of her face.

"Where do you live?" I asked.

"Over there." She pointed towards a row of summer

cottages.

Strange, I thought, in winter.

"Where do you go to school?"


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"I don't go to school. Mommy says we're on vacation."

I chatted with the little girl as we strolled up the beach,

but my mind was on other things. When I left for home,

Wendy said it had been a happy day. Feeling surprisingly

better, I smiled at her and agreed.

Three weeks later, I rushed to my beach in a state of

near panic. I was in no mood to even greet Wendy. I

thought I saw her mother on the porch and felt like

demanding she keep her child at home.

"Look, if you don't mind," I said crossly when Wendy

caught up with me, "I'd rather be alone today,"

She seems unusually pale and out of breath.

"Why?" she asked.


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I turned to her and shouted, "Because my mother died!"

and thought, my God, why was I saying this to a little

child?

"Oh," she said quietly, "then this is a bad day."

"Yes," I said, "and yesterday and the day before and-oh,

go away!"

"Did it hurt?" She enquired.

'Did what hurt?" I was exasperated with her, with

myself.

"When she died?"

"Of course it hurt!!!!" I snapped, misunderstanding,

wrapped up in myself. I strode off.


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A month or so after that, when I next went to the

beach, she wasn't there. Feeling guilty, ashamed and

admitting to myself I missed her, I went up to the

cottage after my walk and knocked at the door. A drawn

looking young woman with honey-coloured hair opened

the door.

"Hello," I said. "I'm Robert Peterson. I missed your

little girl today and wondered where she was."

"Oh, yes, Mr. Peterson, please come in. Wendy spoke of

you so much. I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you. If

she was a nuisance, please accept my apologies."

"Not at all -- she's a delightful child," I said, suddenly

realising that I meant it.

"Where is she?"


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"Wendy died last week, Mr. Peterson. She had

leukaemia. Maybe she didn't tell you."

Struck dumb, I groped for a chair. My breath caught.

"She loved this beach; so when she asked to come, we

couldn't say ‘no’. She seemed so much better here and

had a lot of what she called ‘happy days’. But the last

few weeks, she declined rapidly." Her voice faltered.

"She left something for you ... if only I can find it. Could

you wait a moment while I look?"

I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something,

anything, to say to this lovely young woman. She handed

me a smeared envelope, with MR. P printed in bold,

childish letters. Inside was a drawing in bright crayon

hues -- a yellow beach, a blue sea, and a brown bird.


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Underneath was carefully printed: A SANDPIPER TO

BRING YOU JOY.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and a heart that had almost

forgotten to love opened wide.

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I muttered over

and over, and we wept together.

The precious little picture is framed now and hangs in

my study. Six words -- one for each year of her life --

that speak to me of harmony, courage, undemanding love.

A gift from a child with sea-blue eyes and hair the color

of sand-who taught me the gift of love.

This true story of Mr. Robert Peterson serves as a reminder to all

of us that we need to take time to enjoy living and loving each

other. It is said: the price of hating other human beings is loving


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oneself less. Life is so complicated, the hustle and bustle of

everyday traumas can make us lose focus about what is truly

important or what is only a monetary setback or crisis.

This weekend, be sure to give your loved ones an extra hug, and

by all means, take a moment, even if it is only ten seconds, and

stop and smell the roses.

“How far you go in life depends on your being tender

with the young, compassionate with the aged,

sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak.

Because some day in life, you will have been all of these.”

George Washington Carver


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Chapter No. 3

Tea-Time Chapter No. 1

This chapter aims at telling you how precious you are to the

world. If you go through all these tiles in 15 seconds or less, I

shall be glad that you’re a fast reader, but it would make no sense

if you jump from one tile to the next without reflecting on any of

the statements.


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I recommend that you go slowly; nobody’s after you. Take your

time. You won’t won any prize for completing this chapter in 15

seconds or so, but you shall know much useful information that

can help you go about a happy life if you move slowly through

them!


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Every night, someone thinks

about you before they go to sleep.

At least 2 people in this world love you

so much they would die for you.

If not for you, someone may not

be living.

You mean the world to someone.

You are special and unique.


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When you make the biggest mistake ever,

something good always comes from it.

Someone that you don't even know exists, loves

you.

Always tell someone how you feel about

them; you will feel much better when they know.

Always remember the compliments you

received. Forget about the rude remarks.

If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great before it's too

late.


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Chapter No. 4

Smile Please!

“If I were to rank all the factors

that go into creating a likable personality, I would have

to place a friendly smile at the top of the list.”

Todd Smith

(founder of www.littlethingsmatter.com)

http://www.littlethingsmatter.com/


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Now if I launch this article right away with words like ‘Pan-Am

phony’ and ‘Duchenne’, I am more than confident that you are

not gonna go with me more than a few lines ahead. You’ll find

quite interesting facts as you move down the article, but let us not

jump to them. You’ll relish it more if we go through them in a

manner that is easy to digest.

My friend, a warm, enthusiastic smile communicates feelings that

words alone can’t possibly accomplish. A great smile radiates

warmth, puts people at ease and makes a good first impression.

Just as the smiles of others make an impression on you, your

smile or lack thereof makes an impression on them. Your smile

can be one of your most powerful branding tools and it’s as easy

as lifting your cheeks and showing your teeth!

If you will start smiling more, you will instantly begin to attract

more people into your life. Your smile will make people feel

welcome and appreciated. You will appear more confident, you

will have a better attitude and your value to the market will grow.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/attitude.html


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Smiling will also improve your health by reducing stress,

boosting your immune system, lowering your blood pressure and

making you look younger.

Greeting people in itself is a challenging task. To make a positive

impression on people you are greeting, look into their eyes and

offer a warm, friendly smile as you tell them how pleased you are

to meet or see them. To enhance your impression, include their

name in your greeting and if appropriate, offering a firm

handshake.

And one thing more: not only do I want to encourage you to focus

on your smile when greeting people, but I also want to challenge

you to focus on smiling more in all of your communications in-

person or even on the phone. Yes, people can actually ‘hear’ your

smile on the phone! The more you smile when talking to people,

the more people will be drawn to you and the more they will like

you.


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Okay, now a simple query for you: on a scale of 1-10, how would

rank the impression you are making on others through your

smile?

Don’t just storm ahead! You need to realise the importance of

impression you make on others. Scale yourself, now!

And even if your score low, don’t just bother much. I have

outlined some techniques in this chapter. Once you have gone

through them, you’re gonna smile some attracting, genuine

smiles!

It's been said that a smile is the lightening system of the face, the

cooling system of the head and the heating system of the heart.

But a smile is also a powerful weapon against negativity of all

kinds.

There are many other good reasons to smile. Author Brian Tracy

tells us that the face requires 12 muscles to smile and 103 to

frown. (Who counts these things?) He also says that whenever


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you smile at another person, it puts them at

ease and raises their self-esteem.

So, a smile benefits the giver as well as the

receiver. It’s like receiving a gift in return every time we give one

away!

Now try this simple test: 1) Smile 2) Try to maintain your smile

and frown at the same time. 3) Now try to smile and furrow your

brow at the same time. Not so easy. Actually pretty impossible,

right? So what does this tell you? The more you smile, the less

you are physically capable of frowning or furrowing your brow.

But why are we laying that much emphasis on this facial

expression when there are a total of 5,000 of them? Some possible

explanations are:

Smiling helps to prevent us from looking tired, worn down, and

overwhelmed. When you are stressed, take time to put on a smile.

The stress should be reduced and you'll be better able to take

action.


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Smiling people appear more confident, are more likely to be

promoted, and more likely to be approached. Put on a smile at

meetings and presentations and people will react to you

differently.

English essayist Joseph Addison put it this way:

“What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity.”

Don’t say you can't make a difference! Don’t ever say you have

nothing to give! Each of us can give a smile, spontaneously and

sincerely. Its value may not be at once recognised, but be assured

that it will be felt.

By the way how many times do you smile during the day? How

many times do you laugh? Studies show that a child under the age

of five laughs up to 300 times a day. They're like a walking laugh-

box. By contrast, an adult laughs only 15 times a day. Some

adults never laugh!

We also instantly become more attractive when we smile. Admit

it, when someone is smiling, aren’t you drawn in? Don’t you

http://www.selfgrowth.com/walking.html


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enjoy that person’s company more? We all do. Smiling is an

important part of connecting and getting to know someone.

As we rush through our busy days accomplishing our tasks–

work, shopping, studying, and eating on the go, we often

complain that we don’t feel good. It is important that we take an

active conscious role in how we feel. By just slowing down and

taking a few seconds for yourself, there is a simple and effective

way to feel better throughout the day and be more attractive.

All you have to do is smile more!

Smiling changes your attitude, whether you realise it or not. If

you have any doubts, the next time you feel down, start smiling

and thinking positive thoughts and see what happens.

At this point of our discussion, please let me make one thing very

clear:

Unfortunately, there may be times that smiling can be difficult -

when it might not be easy and might feel virtually impossible.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/attitude.html


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Sometimes we get so caught up in the bad things that we forget

that smiling is actually an option. Maybe your friend

inappropriately yelled at you...maybe you had a fight with a loved

one...maybe you lost a loved one...or maybe you just feel mildly

depressed for the day. Whatever the case may be, there are always

times when smiling just doesn't fit your mood.

Even though you may very well have reasons not to smile, here

are a few reasons to push through...focus on the positive...and

yes, smile. Smile makes you feel better! Really. I know it sounds

ridiculously idealistic and corny, but it is true. Next time you feel

down or blue, smile. Just smile as big as you can. You might feel

ridiculous forcing a huge grin when

deep down all you want to do is sob

your heart out, but if you do it, and you

concentrate on it, you actually do feel

better. Believe it or not, there is research

behind this. There is a theory called


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'facial feedback' hypothesis. To say it simply: you may actually

improve your mood by smiling.

Secondly, it is contagious. Have you ever noticed if you smile at

someone, they smile back? If you don't smile at someone or don't

have any real facial expression for that matter, you pretty much

get a mirror image back. May be Newton's Law of Motion could

be revised to say: To every smile there is an equal and opposite

smile.

And last, but not the least, you look marvelous! If you were to see

someone smiling...and another person frowning, or

expressionless, good chances are that you are going to find the

‘smiler’ more pleasant to look at and more attractive. Studies have

shown that individuals who were asked to study posed faces

found that those who were asked to smile received more

favourable impressions.

Okay now, to make this article a little interesting, here’s the fun-

time.


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Let me offer you a simple challenge. Over the next 24 hours, be

extra intentional about smiling at everyone you see. Whether it’s

the person in the car next to you at the light, your neighbour or

your class-mate, think about the message you are communicating

through your smile. If you don’t tend to smile a lot, then this will

require an extra effort on your part, but it will be well worth it.

If you will do this one simple thing, not only will you be happier,

but also you will immediately notice a difference in how people

respond to you. Give it a shot; it will be fun.

Your smile not only influences how people feel about you but it is

also a great way to express your love, appreciation and respect to

those who are important to you.

A smile does increase your face value. Now here’s is a little

anecdote that I came across:

Ted Engstrom in High Performance (Here’s Life

Publishers, 1988) tells the story of a trusted advisor of


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President Abraham Lincoln who recommended a

candidate for Lincoln’s cabinet. Lincoln declined and

when asked why, he said, “I don’t like the man’s face.”

“But the poor man is not responsible for his face,” his

advisor insisted.

“Every man over forty is responsible for his face,”

Lincoln replied, and the prospect was considered no

more.

Lincoln, of course, was referring to the man’s expressions and

disposition rather than his features. A face conveys the thoughts

and attitudes nurtured in a mind. We are responsible for how we

will ‘face’ each day.

Earl Nightingale puts it like this:


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“Our attitude is something we can control. We can

establish our attitude each morning when we start our

day. In fact, we do just that whether we realise it or

not.”

You are already choosing your attitudes every day. Your ultimate

happiness

or misery

depends as

much on

your

disposition

as on your circumstances. Face the day with hope and confidence,

generosity and love, and you’ll find yourself choosing to be

happy. And you may be surprised at how much others like your

face!


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People who smile sincerely are timeless lucky people! They are

lucky AT ALL POINTS: relationships, love, friendships, work,

studying, business and all.

By the way, did I say something like ‘sincere’ smile? And if it is,

are there ‘non-sincere’ smiles too?

Let’s get real:

Actually there are a total of 5,000 different individual facial

expressions. The most commonly seen are smiling and winking.

There is such a thing as a real smile.

So, what is a real smile?

A real smile requires the use of the muscles starting at the ends of

the mouth and that extend to the eyes. The so called ‘real smile’

actually has a name. It is called the “Duchenne Smile.”

In other words, it is something that just happens involuntarily. So

it is said a smile is real if it reaches the eyes.


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And now the culprit, fake

smile. A fake or voluntary

smile used to show politeness

involves just the muscles of the

mouth and not those extending

to the eyes.

It is also known in literature as the ‘Pan American Smile’ and the

‘Professional Smile’. It was invented by an old airline (Pan-Am)

for their flight-attendants.

Aren’t you surprised to know that a ‘fake’ or ‘insincere’ smile

does exist? But don’t you try using it, do you? Let’s see what

Ekaterina Ramirez, a specialist in Personal Empowerment, has to

say about the futility, or even worse, the problems caused by it:

“I do not understand why so many people like to wear

smile as a lipstick or clothes. Insincere smile doesn’t

benefit them at all! It causes headaches and a variety of


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illnesses because of emotional dis-balance within them: a

person might be sad, upset or grouchy, but he (or she)

pretends to look cheerful and happy. People just create

problems for themselves! Why do they do that? It is so

easy to smile from your heart or not to smile at all if you

don’t feel doing it!”

She further says: “At all times sincerity is considered as a

great treasure which has more value than gold.

Especially it is valuable in love and business. No one

wants to be cheated in these

affairs”.

Do remember one thing: good looking

smiles can’t be faked or forced. If it is

true that we smile when we are happy and


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The Secret Revealed!

If you choose to purposefully keep a

Duchenne -Smile as your constant facial

expression, when you are NOT speaking,

just inhaling and exhaling – here’s what

happens: You produce 10% more oxygen

and glucose entering your bloodstream. So

what?

You are energized for improved learning

and memory, and improve grades and test

scores. Yes, really, up to 26%!

that we are happy when we smile, then maybe, just maybe, fixing

your smile will make you happier.

Your best friend is your Duchenne -Smile, and it is your choice

whether you activate it most of the day or not. I like the word –

active. It comes

from Latin,

meaning, to do;

something done.

You must decide to

activate your

Duchenne -Smile.

The enemy

(negative word) is passive – which comes from Latin, meaning

submissive; to undergo.

And again I say: this book is not gonna be quite informative if it

doesn’t provide the practical demonstrations to all the personal-

development stuff that we’re discussing.


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So, the last thing to be discussed before we conclude this chapter

is: do you want to put a smile on someone's face? Maybe make

their day a little bit brighter? It doesn't have to take much time or

money on your part. In fact, many things can be done as a part of

your normal routine and cost little or nothing. You won't know

how many people are encouraged by your kindness because

smiles are contagious.

Try out one or more of these ways today to put smiles on their

faces.

1. Write an encouraging note to others that have encouraged you

or that need encouragement. Handwritten notes that are given to

encourage, not just for thanking someone for a gift, are rare. That

makes handwritten notes even more special. Start a new practice

of sitting down and writing an encouraging note on a regular

basis. You just might start an epidemic!

2. Take a friend out to lunch or invite him to your home for a

meal. You will get to know each other even better than you do


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right now. If you feel like being more adventurous, throw a party

for several of your friends and put smiles on a multitude of faces.

3. Give someone an inspirational book to read. You will feel good

doing it, reading the book will change the person, and they will

think of you every time they read it.

4. Deliver a meal to someone you know that is sick or having a

rough time. We have all been sick and know the last thing you

want to do is be out of bed. There are also times when life is

tough and it is hard to do all of the daily chores. You can be a

tremendous help by providing a meal that can be enjoyed.

5. Thank everyone that supports you throughout the day. The list

of those that you come into contact with is endless. Remember

family and friends, teachers, store and gas station attendants,

those that deliver your mail and newspaper, and servers at

restaurants.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/family.html


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I know this is a list of 5 ways to put a smile on someone's face,

but there is one more way that can't be ignored. Reveal a genuine

smile to everyone you meet. You will experience how easy it is to

get others to smile!

One man exclaimed to his friend, “I just had another

fight with my wife!”

“Oh, yeah?” the friend said. “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” he replied, “she came to me on her

hands and knees.”

His friend looked puzzled. “Really? Now that’s a switch!

What did she say?”

“I think she said something like, ‘Come out from under

that bed, you gutless weasel’.”

Did you smile, huh? Now it was as simple as that. Even crackling

a small joke can put a smile on anybody’s face.


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Most of the times, we have no idea of the effect we have on other

people’s lives. How a kind or an unkind word to a stranger can

improve or damage their day; how an angry glance can upset a

child, or a nod of encouragement help that same child to strive for

something great.

Here’s a little story contributed by

Warren Redman:

I know one woman who had a

bad morning and decided to

shake off her blue feelings by

recognising that she couldn’t

change the circumstances, but could change how she

experienced them. She smiled at a passer-by, who

stopped and got into conversation with her. They spoke


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for nearly an hour, until the man thanked her and walked

off.

Two days later the same man sought her out and told

her that he had been desperate and had been on his way

to commit suicide, when she smiled at him. “It was the

first happy human contact I had felt in weeks,” he said.

“It helped me to change my mind”.

Who knows, your smile could save somebody’s life. And you

might never know.

One day a man jumped off the Golden Gate bridge.

When the police went searching through his house

afterward, they found a note. It read: "Today I will walk

to the bridge. If anyone smiles at me, I won't jump."


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And now one last thing…please don’t mind. It’s really last. I

PROMISE!

You are quite a good learner, I guess. We people learn all that we

require to pass our school and college exams. But have we ever

made a conscious effort to really learn how to smile? Yes, I am

not kidding! Many of us face quite a hard time expressing

genuine smiles, and who knows how far we lag behind on account

of that.

Here’s little activity that I recommend:

Since a ‘real’ smile is an involuntary response, it is impossible to

recreate it. However, it is possible to create a memory that will

result in the feeling that will result in a real smile.


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What was the happiest time in your life? What was one of the

most pleasurable moments you ever experienced? If you’re

thinking of that special moment at this time, you're smiling a real

smile. Why? That memory of that pleasurable moment is bringing

it on.

Learn to recall these memories

and you will learn the art of really

smiling.

Learn to master the skill and you

will find other things that will

bring it on. This is really quite a

wonderful thing when you think

of it. You will start your presentation with a pleasurable thought.

You will end up with a smile that will put your audience at ease.

It will benefit your health, your wealth, and because of its viral

effect, even those around you.

So don’t forget to smile.


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Smile has a deeper meaning beyond just being polite, and beyond

everyday usage. No matter whether you are the boss, or the

custodian your day will improve with a smile. I bet you certainly

would like to receive smiles yourself. So go out into the world,

and smile!

Now that was quite a good going with you. I hope now you have

sincerely realized the value of a sincere smile.

So next time you are feeling like frowning, ‘turn that frown,

upside down!’

Smiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu,

When someone smiled at me today, I

started smiling too.

I passed around the corner and

someone saw my grin,

When he smiled I realised I’d passed it on to him.


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I thought about that smile, then I knew its worth,

A single smile, just like mine, could

travel ‘round the earth.

So, if you feel a smile begin, don’t

leave it undetected;

Let’s start an epidemic quick, and get

the world infected!

Today you will find plenty of occasions to pass along a heartfelt

smile.

Remember...it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips!


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Chapter No. 5


Now here’s again another tea-time chapter. Contrary to the first

one where I told you the blessings you have and how precious

you are to the world, here are some instructions for you. Again I

would say: don’t just jump from tile to tile. Read, think and then

move; read, think and then move; read, THINK and…


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Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for

someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before

meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be

grateful for that gift.

Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts

you, it probably hurts the other person, too.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of

everything; they just make the most of everything that comes

along their way.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around

you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and

everyone around you is crying.


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Chapter No. 6

Gratitude…One Step Ahead!

'THE ONLY ATTITUDE IS GRATITUDE.'

“People with a strong sense of gratitude and

appreciation don't necessarily have more than others;

they simply recognise more beauty in their lives.”

Alan J

http://www.wikihow.com/User:Amazing2mine


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A 2003 study suggests that people who count their blessings are

generally happier and healthier than people who don't. If you ever

feel as if anything in your life isn't ‘enough’, try practising an

attitude of thankfulness. You might realise how good you have it

after all.

But what gratitude can do for us?

Human beings have this self-defeating propensity to let the bad

things in life fill their mental vision and leave no room for the

good, a tendency reflected and perpetuated by television and

newspapers. Often it takes just one bad thing to happen for us to

dwell on it and get depressed, no matter how many good things

are happening.

When you develop the quality of

gratitude in your life, you will start

feeling grateful even when bad

things happen to you, because you


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will have developed the inner vision to see that good things and

bad happenings are nothing but experiences to shape you and

make you stronger. Hence, you will be able to have peace of mind

no matter what the outer circumstances are.

Gratitude helps us turn away from self-centredness and realise our

place in the universe.

Wallace Wattles says in his book, The Science of Getting Rich:

“There is a law of gratitude, and if you are to get the

results you seek, it is absolutely necessary that you

should observe this law.”

Einstein suggested that the answer to this was very important:

“Is the Universe friendly to our desires?”

It seems a little unusual that a scientist like Einstein would imply

that the universe might have a bias about whether we succeed or

not. However, I think he was asking us to decide if the universe


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was designed to make it easy for us, or difficult. In other words, is

there enough to go around?

How we answer this question does make a big difference! After

all, if there is a limited supply of ‘stuff’ and lots of people want it,

then life is difficult. Many people believe this way. We call it

‘scarcity’ or ‘lack’ thinking. It’s hard to be grateful when there’s

not enough.

This belief leads to competitive thinking – the idea that in order to

get what you want, you have to take it away from someone else.

This is a belief system that encourages fear and worry. Most sales

training is based on this idea. So are all wars.

How easy is it for anyone to be grateful when they think that the

universe is designed to make things tough for them?

Let me show you how abundant the universe really is.

Both science and spirituality tell us that everything is

made out of the same original stuff. Science calls it


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energy. So how much is there to make more of whatever

we need?

A recent scientific survey of the cosmos added up

everything they could find and determined that only

about 4% of the available energy was used to make the

entire universe! There’s 96% left over, or enough for 25

more universes!

That seems pretty abundant to me.

So let’s choose a different way of thinking. We can see an

abundant supply, rather than scarcity. We can choose to create

our success, rather than compete for a limited supply. When we

do this, we cease to be a victim of circumstances! Seeing the

universe this way is the first step in the law of gratitude.

“This is a great truth. The universe in which we live is

strangely and wonderfully accommodating.”

Eric Butterworth


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First, you remind yourself that the universe is friendly to you.

There is a virtually infinite supply of everything you need. There

is always enough money, customers, time, love, friends, etc. so

that no situation can leave you without those things for long. You

do not absolutely need ‘that one’, you can move on to the next.

Next, you remind yourself that you get to decide what to call the

situation – good or bad. You know the good is there (and, yes, I

know, it is sometimes hard to see when you’re in the thick of it),

but you do know it’s there.

According to legend, a young man while roaming the

desert came across a spring of delicious crystal-clear

water. The water was so sweet he filled his leather

canteen so he could bring some back to a tribal elder

who had been his teacher.

After a four-day journey he presented the water to the

old man who took a deep drink, smiled warmly and


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thanked his student lavishly for the sweet water. The

young man returned to his village with a happy heart.

Later, the teacher let another student taste the water.

He spat it out, saying it was awful. It apparently had

become stale because of the old leather container. The

student challenged his teacher: “Master, the water was

foul. Why did you pretend to like it?”

The teacher replied, “You only tasted the water. I

tasted the gift. The water was simply the container for

an act of loving-kindness and nothing could be sweeter.

Heartfelt gifts deserve the return gift of gratitude.”

Gratitude doesn't always come naturally. Unfortunately, most

children and many adults value only the thing given rather than

the feeling embodied in it.


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Consciously utilizing the power of gratitude is an extremely

important aspect of attracting to yourself the abundance and

happiness that you desire and deserve in your life.

When you have developed a crystal clear understanding that all

things work for the greater good no matter how seemingly bad

things may appear, it becomes much easier to stay in a state of

gratitude.

Gratitude allows you to bring into your conscious awareness the

good things that are happening in your life on a day to day basis,

and with repetition, will take your focus off of what you perceive

as the negative aspects of any situation.

Now let your imagination go wild and think of yourself as a giant

magnet. Whatever you are feeling, whether it be love, fear, anger,

happiness, anger, joy, gratitude, resistance, etc. you are in essence

creating a magnetic force that attracts and draws to you events,

conditions and circumstances which are in direct correlation to

what you are feeling. Fear of something creates a magnetic force


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Remember these five simple

rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred

2. Free your mind from worries

3. Live simply

4. Give more

5. Expect less

that will attract more of what you fear. Expressing gratitude for

any situation projects a magnetic force that draws to you more of

what you are expressing gratitude for.

Gratitude is an acceptance of things just the way they are, that

creates a magnetic force that is conducive to attracting the

‘desired’ outcome.

A question that pops up in our minds is: how in the world can I be

in a state of gratitude when everything seems to be going wrong?

First of all it's important to recognise the importance of accepting

responsibility for whatever is going on in your life. You need to

bring home the realisation

that whatever is happening to

you or where you stand

today, you yourself are

responsible for that. As

we've covered in the thought-

http://www.abundance-and-happiness.com/accepting-responsibility.html

http://www.abundance-and-happiness.com/accepting-responsibility.html

http://www.abundance-and-happiness.com/the-power-of-thoughts.html


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factor book, the events, conditions and circumstances that you're

currently experiencing are manifestations based on thoughts and

emotions that you've chosen at some point in the past. It's due to

those thoughts and emotions which represent the seeds, that you

are experiencing whatever outcome you currently are. Remember,

you are the one that thinks your thoughts. Your thoughts do not

think you!

Since your current outcomes are based on what you have thought

and felt at some point in the past and those outcomes are now

being experienced in your life, guess who created them? YOU

did!

As an example, let's look at two people with totally different

perceptions regarding the same situation, and see first-hand what

an attitude of gratitude is, and isn't. It very clearly resembles the

90/10 principle that we’ve already gone through in the chapter

one of this book.

http://www.abundance-and-happiness.com/the-power-of-thoughts.html


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Let's say that you wake up on a Sunday morning after a good

night’s rest. You've worked hard all week and you're really

looking forward to getting outside and playing in a cricket

tournament that you had entered, and enjoying your weekend.

You're feeling pretty good about the day ahead of you. You make

your tea and head for the window to open the blinds. You get

them opened up and look out the window. ARGGHHHHHH, it's

raining outside!

Next, your self-talk kicks in and it goes something like this. "Oh

man, my whole day is ruined. I was planning on doing this and

that and now I can't. Why do things always have to happen like

that? Another weekend shot! I can't ever get a break!"

Obviously your perception is that everything went wrong and

your whole weekend is ruined. Based on your thought pattern and

perception, you’re right! It is! Unless you are able to change that

perception, you'll allow yourself to have a less than desirable

weekend. In fact, by remaining in this state, you will literally


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‘attract’ additional events, conditions, and circumstances to you

that will make certain that you have a less than desirable

weekend!

This is a classic case of resistance, or ungratefulness.

Now let's take a look at the neighbor down the street who always

seems to have things going his way. Let's imagine it's the same

scenario. He has worked all week and made plans to play in the

same cricket tournament that you were entered in.

He walks to the window, opens the shades and sees exactly the

same situation that you did when you opened them except,

although he initially has a little disappointment because he can't

go to the cricket tournament he was planning on, he decides that

there is nothing he can do to change the situation and begins his

habitual thought process and self-talk which goes something like

this...


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"Boy, I sure was looking forward to that cricket tournament. Oh

well, I've got a few things that need to get done around here today

anyway. That means I don't have to water the grass for a few days

and that will sure save a little on my electricity bill. It's been a

few weeks since it rained and we sure needed it."

Although the person in the second example was a little

disappointed initially, a conscious decision was made that

wouldn't allow it to ruin the entire weekend and shifted the focus

to something more positive and productive.

This is a classic case of remaining in gratitude. No resistance, no

allowing undesired emotions to ignite and the end result is a calm

state of mind.

Remember, the universe works by law, not by chance. There are

no coincidences in the people that show up in our lives. And

because the universe is friendly, they don’t show up to punish us,

but often to teach us.


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Sure, we’re polite. We always say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to

strangers, at least. But for some reason, it seems that we often

forget to say ‘thank you’ and show our appreciation to the people

who are closest to us; to our family, our cousins, our teachers. We

especially forget to say ‘thank you’ to God for our many

blessings.

Saying thank you and showing appreciation can be done in many

ways. But the most important thing is simply recognizing how

fortunate we all are. The fact is, in this country, even our slums

are better than the best of what many other countries in the world

have to offer.

Our lack-based protective mind continuously looks for more (like

a squirrel hording nuts for winter) and has a tendency to overlook

and discount what we already do have. Consequently, unless we

consistently remind ourselves to look for ‘what's right’ in our

lives, we often only see ‘what's wrong’.

The universe has a rule that states:


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"If you don't appreciate what you've got then you won't

get anymore."

In short, if you don't appreciate one, you don't need two. Again,

it's the old ‘use it (as in appreciate it fully) or lose it’ deal. The

power of appreciation particularly holds true when it comes to our

finances. If you want more abundance, be grateful for and

properly manage all the wealth you have now. Remember, what

you focus on expands.

Be thankful when you don't know something ... for it

gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times ... during those times

you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations ... they give you

opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge... which will build


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your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes ... they will teach you

valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary ... because it

means you've given your all.

It's easy to be thankful for the 'good' things ... yet, a

life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are thankful

for the setbacks.

Now let us discuss another very important aspect of this gratitude

principle. Guess what? It’s forgiveness! And you’ll not find a

better way of expressing gratitude if you fail to forgive. This way

you not only release others from the shackles of resentment, but

yourself too!


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Forgiveness for everyone who ever did anything that you’ve been

carrying a grudge about. The guy who cheated you in that

business deal. The sister-in-law who never paid back the Rs. 50.

The teacher that gave you the ‘F’ that you didn’t deserve.

Everyone. Anything.

And here’s how you can tell if you’ve really forgiven them:

Can you genuinely wish them well? Are you grateful for them?

Sorry, but half-baked phony forgiveness won’t do the job. You

have to do this completely. Forgiveness is not something you do

for the other person; it is something you do for yourself!

After all, whatever they did wasn’t about us, anyway. It was about

them. When we reach the point that we can be truly grateful for

them, when we can really wish them well, then we have cut the

chains of resentment that tied them to us and we are free to move

on.


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The last step in forgiveness has to do with ourselves. There is no

escape from this step, because we can’t give love or support to

others unless we can give it to ourselves first.

We want to be grateful for everything. That means forgiving

ourselves for all the supposed mistakes and imperfections in our

life. We need to be able to love that person in the mirror.

Now before we launch on to our discussion of some other aspects

of gratitude, I just had a strong intuition that you might be getting

a little bored, beating about the same gratitude talk. So, let’s make

this discussion a little interesting.

I challenge you now to take a moment to think of ten things in

your life that you are grateful for today. For example, your

friends, your family, your college, your sense of smell, touch,

sight, and sound. The list can go on and on. Imagine what your

life would be like without these things. Write them down on a

piece of paper and really think about the things you are grateful


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for. You will be amazed at how great you will feel! The empty

spaces in the table are for you to fill in.

I am grateful for… How my life would have been without it/them?

1. Eg. Family I would die!

2. Eg. Sense of sight I would lag far behind in education…and it would be a hell to be dependent upon somebody all the time

3. Eg. Shelter I would die of getting scorched in sun, or pneumonia in the rains…

4. Eg. Dresses

5. Eg. Shoes

6.

7.


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8.

9.

10.

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more

there is in life to celebrate."

Oprah Winfrey

And here’s part two of this exercise. No matter how many or how

few you had on your first list, this exercise is designed to reveal

areas where you need to apply the first few steps of the law of

gratitude.

Look at your boss with the bad attitude, your car that won’t start,

the pimple on your nose that won’t go away, the bills that keep

coming.

Get the idea?


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Things I really don’t like… What is in them to be grateful for?

1. Eg. Heavy taxes I’m employed

2. Eg. Electricity bills I have a home to live in and I can afford electricity

3. Eg. Class tests I’m a high school/college student

4. Eg. Car tyre punctured I own a car!

5. Eg. The mess to clean after party

I’m surrounded by friends!

6. Eg. The clothes that grow tight

I’ve enough to eat

7. Eg. Pile of laundary I’ve clothes to wear

8. Eg. A highly irritating sister It would have been quite boring if I were alone!

8. Eg. Alarm that goes off early in the morning

I can hear, and I AM ALIVE!

9. Eg. Aching muscles at the end of the day

I’m capable of working hard.

10.

11.


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12.

13.

14.

The lists are for you to complete!

Stop right here and do this before you go on. Only then you can

realize how much there is in life to be grateful for, even for the

things or happenings that we don’t like in the first instance.

How was that? Did you have any problem coming up with

enough items? Even a short list means that you have a lot of

things in your life to be grateful for.

The objective of this little exercise was to make you realize that

for all the things that happen on this earth, whether you like them

or you abhor them, they have some goodness in them. All that you

need to do is to be diligent in looking for the goodness that all

things in them have.


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There are a few quotes with regard to gratitude and the power that

it has.

One is...

"When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance

appears."

Anthony Robbins

Another is...

When you change the way you look at things, the things

you look at change."

Wayne Dyer

Ok...just one more and I'll stop...I PROMISE!

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for

everything that happens to you, knowing that every step


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forward is a step towards achieving something bigger

and better than your current situation."

Brian Tracy

The bottom line is that gratitude plays an extremely important

role in beginning to consciously and intentionally create desired

outcomes in your life...EXTREMELY important!

It's my hope that you'll think about this and choose gratitude for

yourself. It will make ALL the difference.

We all have so much to be grateful for!

"Why is it," said the rich man to his minister, "that

people call me stingy when everyone knows that when I

die I'm leaving everything to the church?"

"Let me tell you a fable about the pig and the cow," said

the minister.


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The pig was unpopular while the cow was beloved. This

puzzled the pig.

“People speak warmly of your gentle nature and your

sorrowful eyes,” the pig said to the cow.

“They think you're generous because each day you give

them milk and cream. But what about me? I give them

everything I have. I give bacon and ham (flesh). I

provide bristles for brushes. They even pickle my feet!

Yet not one likes me. Why is that?”

"Do you know what the cow answered?" said the

minister.

The cow said, “Perhaps it is because I give while I'm still

living.”


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Imagine for a moment one of those nights when you just can't fall

asleep and you have to get up early the next morning for a very

important presentation of which you are the keynote speaker.

Your alarm clock goes off early in the morning waking you from

what little sleep you had. You stumble out of bed, have a quick

shower, grab a coffee and some toast, and off you go to fight the

traffic on the way to your institute.

Does that sound like the start of a terrible day? Most would

answer 'yes'. Few people however, would answer, 'no'. These are

the people, who are in my opinion blessed with a gift. A gift that

determines how they view their life.

These people live with 'an attitude of gratitude'. For them, the

situation described could be worse. Much worse. For example,

think of the man who doesn't have a bed, let alone a roof to over

his head. When he is awoken from what little sleep he is able to

get, it is by the rain falling on his cold body. He too stumbles to

his feet and begins his journey to work in his bare feet. His work


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is in the field of survival. He searches though garbage cans for

scraps of half-rotten food to eat and odd bits of clothes to keep

him warm.

The purpose of this example is to illustrate that we all have so

much to be grateful for. Even in times when it seems that nothing

could be worse, there is always a reason to be grateful. And when

you feel a sense of gratitude, you feel a sense of happiness and

content. My challenge to you today is to learn to look for the good

in every situation and live with 'an attitude of gratitude'.

I assure you, if you were the fellow searching for food in garbage

cans you too could find things to be grateful for. You just have to

look hard enough and 'open your eyes' to what is around you. You

have to focus on what's good in your life, not what's bad.

"I once was distraught because I had no shoes, until I

met a man who had no feet."

Sheikh Sa’adi


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A butcher watching over his shop got really surprised

when he saw a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him

away. But later, the dog is back again.

So, he goes over to the dog and notices he has a note in

his mouth. He takes the note and it reads: "Can I have

12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money

in his mouth, as well."

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a

ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts

the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's

mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about

closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the

dog.


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So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street when

he comes to a level crossing.

The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the

button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the

lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road,

with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at

the timetable.

The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out

the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front,

looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.

Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the

number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The


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butcher, by now, open-mouthed, follows him onto the

bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the

suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he

gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on

two back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus.

Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and

then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path,

and drops the groceries on the step.

Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and

throws himself against the door. He goes back down the

path, runs up to the door and again, it throws himself

against it. There's no answer at the house, so the dog


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goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and

walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the

window, and beats his head against it several times,

walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and

starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and

swearing at him.

The butcher runs up, and stops the guy.

"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a

genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which

the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the

second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten

his key."


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Looks like some people will never be satisfied with what they've

got.

When it comes to the work place, employers do not know how to

appreciate their people who have served them loyally through the

years. I've seen companies lose good people for the simple fact

their leaders failed to show appreciation. Employers with big egos

enjoy the fact that they have more power and authority than

others. They show, in the way they give orders and directions,

that they think they are superior. They get a kick out of displaying

this superiority. People who do this are fools, and everyone but

them knows it. They are never satisfied because they could not be

satisfied even if their people perform well.

They don't listen to the opinions and ideas of their subordinates.

Why? Because of their stupid pride and insecurity.

People of this kind will never be satisfied. Why? Because they are

so busy wrapped up in themselves and, the fact is, the self can


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never be satisfied. Happy and productive people are always those

who are ‘others-centered’ rather than ‘self- centered’.

And one thing more: please do not wait for stupendous

happenings to be grateful for. You need to realize the real

treasures of life. Don’t just wait to become the next president of

your country, or Einstein Part II or something like that to be

grateful for. You need to relish all that this little life has to offer

in the very capacity that you are in. For example, you say

something like:

I am thankful for:

* Being able to feel the sun/wind/rain on my face.

* Washing/drying on a windy day

* Seeing a stranger smile at me

* Laughing

And these little treasures of life go on…

Who and what have you not fully appreciated?


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Today list all the people and things in your life for which you are

grateful. In some special way, say ‘thank you’ and show your

appreciation to the people who mean the most to you, as well as

to God for all that you have.

Declaration:

I am totally grateful for who and what I have in my life right now.

___________________

(your signature)

You need to develop an attitude of gratitude if you want a

continuous flow of blessings unto you. But what does gratitude

really mean? Most of us are thankful for the blessings we have in

our lives. We have families we love, good health, friends to laugh

and play with, freedom and free will to live our lives the way we

want to.

Most of us are very grateful for these blessings, but how often do


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we stop to focus and reflect on that? Probably not as often as we

should. Why is gratitude even important? Sure, we're thankful for

what we have, but why should we have to dwell on it?

There is a very good reason! Let me explain:

Have you ever given someone a gift, and when they open it they

react with very little enthusiasm? They say flatly, "Oh yeah,

thanks, I've been wanting one of those." Their words say ‘thank

you’ but their heart says, ‘useless stuff!’ You can feel that, can't

you? Does it inspire you to want to give them another gift?

Probably not.

On the other hand, if you give someone a gift and they exclaim,

"Oh, THANK YOU, I just love it!", doesn't that lift your heart?

You feel appreciated and happy that you made them feel

appreciated. And you would love to give the second person

another gift, even if you have to cut down something from the

little pocket-money that you have.

The one Universal Law that has had the most profound effect in


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our lives is, ‘like attracts like’. When we are truly grateful for the

blessings in our lives, and we take time to reflect on them, we

automatically begin to draw more blessings to ourselves. Why?

Because we create what we focus on.

True gratitude isn't the act of mechanically listing the blessings in

our lives every night before we go to sleep. Gratitude is an

attitude. It's a mindset of thankfulness and joy for the wonderful

blessings in our lives. Our hearts and minds are lifted in joy when

we reflect on the beauty and love surrounding us. It's a heartfelt

acknowledgement that our lives would not be as happy as they are

now if we didn't have those blessings.

Okay, so maybe not everything in our lives is perfect right now.

Gratitude can be hard to foster when we are also experiencing

struggle at the same time. Maybe we've just lost a job, or a loved

one. Maybe we have difficult financial struggles. Maybe we’re

mired in depression and sadness. It's hard to feel grateful during

moments like that.


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Here I am putting down some tips that will enable you to develop

an attitude of gratitude even when things around you go fussy and

undesirable.

1. Relax! It's hard to cultivate a sense of gratitude when you're

angry, frustrated, or anxious. If there are issues that you’re

struggling with, it's important to resolve them, as they're

formidable barriers to thankfulness.

2. Live in the Moment. If you're too busy dwelling on the past

or thinking about the future, you won't be able to fully

notice how fantastic things are right now. Plus, thinking

about the past and future opens the door to comparison,

which is the only way you can perceive something as not

good enough. What you have now is all that exists, and

comparing that to something that doesn't exist anymore (or

yet) is an easy way to foster dissatisfaction and torture

yourself.

http://www.wikihow.com/Relax

http://www.wikihow.com/Live-in-the-Moment


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Like the old saying goes: "Past is history, future is a mystery

and today is gift and hence it is called the present".

Enjoy today, this moment and don't postpone your

enjoyment.

3. Start with your senses. The most basic pleasures in life are

usually accessible to us all the time, but they slip out of our

consciousness because we get so used to them. Learn to

notice the little things, and deliberately appreciate them.

o Look around. Notice beautiful shapes, colours, and details.

Notice things you normally take for granted, like sunlight

reflecting off someone's hair. Think of all the little things

you'd miss if you were blind. It's often the most minute joys

that are missed the most.

o Smell the roses. And the food. And the air. Recognize the

smells that make you feel good: a freshly cut lawn, the air

right after it rains, a fresh pot of coffee.

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-and-Smell-the-Flowers


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o Savour your food. Eat slowly. Don't just gobble and chug.

Identify flavours. Appreciate how they intermingle.

o Appreciate the sense of touch. How do leaves, blankets,

lotions feel against your skin? How many times during the

day do people touch you affectionately, and you barely

notice?

o Listen when you think it's quiet, and you'll discover it's not

really all that quiet. You might hear the wind, leaves

rustling, kids laughing.

4. Cherish any kind of light-heartedness in your life. Things

like laughter, affection, and playfulness are fleeting. Once a

relationship has degraded so that those things don't

spontaneously occur anymore, it's very hard to get them

back. You might know that from experience. So treat those

moments with care (especially with kids, who are at the

peak of light-heartedness). Don't be the person who takes

http://www.wikihow.com/Eat-Slowly


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How to develop an ‘attitude of

gratitude’?

1. Relax

2. Relish the present-don’t bother

about past or future

3. Be grateful for the senses that

you’re blessed with

4. Take time for fun

5. Take a vacation

6. Develop the habit of writing a

‘Gratitude Journal’

life too seriously, who doesn't have time to have fun, or who

has no sense of humor.

5. Take a vacation. There's some truth to the saying: ‘absence

makes the heart grow fonder’. Ideally, you shouldn't have to

separate yourself from something (or someone) in order to

appreciate it. But it can be a

good way to trigger your

sense of gratitude just once

in a while.

6. Keep a gratitude journal.

Challenge yourself to write

down five new things every

day that you're grateful for. It'll be easy in the beginning, but

soon you'll discover that you have to increase your

awareness to keep on.

By the way do you know what I'm grateful for? It’s You! Every

single one of you who is reading these words right now. I'm


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deeply grateful that I'm given the opportunity to send even a tiny

ray of sunshine into your lives.

Now here’s a little poem that I came across when I was gathering

stuff on ‘gratitude’. I found it so meaningful that just couldn’t

resist the urge to put down here for you. When I first went

through it, it literally brought tears to my eyes and I felt sorry for

being that ungrateful for all the blessings that I’m blessed with

that I’ve never noticed.

While you go through it, make sure you note the blessings that we

usually do not take into account:

God, Forgive Me When I Whine

by: Author Unknown, Source Unknown

Today, upon a bus,

I saw a girl with golden hair.

I envied her, she seemed so gay,

And I wished I was as fair.


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When suddenly she rose to leave,

I saw her hobble down the aisle.

She had one leg and used a crutch.

But as she passed, she gave a smile.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.

I have 2 legs, the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy.

The lad who sold it had such charm.

I talked with him, he seemed so glad.

If I were late, it'd do no harm.

And as I left, he said to me,

"I thank you, you've been so kind.

It's nice to talk with folks like you.

You see," he said, "I'm blind."


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I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street,

I saw a child with eyes of blue.

He stood and watched the others play.

He seemed not to know what to do.

I stopped a moment and then I said,

"Why don't you join the others, dear?"

He looked ahead without a word.

And then I knew he couldn't hear.


I have 2 ears, the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go.

With eyes to see the sunset's glow.


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With ears to hear what I'd know.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine

I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.

So how do grateful people, those who have worked through the

first few steps of the law of gratitude, act?

It’s really simple – they give!

They give money, time, support, encouragement, everything.

Because they are grateful for what they have, they give it away.

Because they know that they live in an abundant, friendly, cause-

and-effect universe, they know that by giving, they make

receiving possible.

It is simple to do each day and will, over a short period of time,

make you feel good about what you have in your life and increase

your vibration to ‘attract’ better things into your life.

Now here’s a worksheet that will help you develop an ‘attitude of

gratitude’ into your life.


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Do each step and don’t skip any. Each step is part of the process

of increasing your attitude of gratitude and your abundance and

wealth. Make sure you write it out. As you write think and feel

the good feelings about that person. This is critical to bringing

about the state of gratitude.

Remember: what you focus on, increases.

1. Write a list of people in your life that you are grateful for.

(Appreciating the people in your life improves your current

relationships and will create new and supportive relationships.)

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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Now pick one and write why you are grateful for them. Write

down exactly what it is you appreciate about this person.

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

2. Write a list of material items in your life that you are

grateful for.

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Now pick one and write why you are grateful for it.

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

3. Write a list of opportunities in your life that you are

grateful for.

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Now pick one and write why you are grateful for it.

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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4. Write a list of life-changing experiences you have had in

your life.

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

______________________________

_____________

Now pick one and write why you are

grateful for it.

______________________________

______________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

____________________________________________

5. What good things happened today?


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_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

6. How can I give back to those who have helped me become

who I am today?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

7. How can I give back to those who least expect it –for

example, the less fortunate in my community?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

If you really want to understand the power of giving, you have to

look at everything you have, not as ‘stuff’, but as evidence of a

flowing current, a river of abundance. When you give, you are

demonstrating your confidence in that abundance and your

gratitude for it. You are making room for more to come.

You know what they call a lake with water coming in, but with no

outlet? The Dead Sea!

By giving gratefully and continuously, you place yourself

squarely in the flow of life and become both an inlet and an outlet

for the abundant universe to work through.

“True giving is not something we do for someone, but it

is our consent to let the flow of God flow through us to

that person.”

Eric Butterworth


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Sometimes when money is tight it can be a very hard thing to do,

but those are the times when you really need to do it.

Having gratitude helps us to enjoy life more. It can break through

huge barriers and reduce our stress loads, give us more confidence

and help us to meet our goals- no matter how big they may be.

There is no doubt that being grateful goes a long way. It’s just

how to be grateful in times of stress or when suffering from

disappointment or sadness that’s difficult.

All you need to do is breathe! Yes, mere breathing!

Often we get caught up in a vicious cycle of ‘if only’s’. If only

the job came through, then we would be grateful; if only I could

lose that extra ten pounds, get that guy to notice me, find a

million dollars under my pillow…if only, if only, if only…

The problem with ‘if only’ is that if and when the ‘if only’

happens, we often just move onto the next thing we want to get

without stopping to say thanks. Or we focus so much on that


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hopeful ‘if only’, we forget to recognize all the other things we

have in our lives to be thankful for.

So let’s start with the basics…right here, right now. There is so

much each of us has to be grateful for. We just often forget to

focus on the good bits.

CASE STUDY

Salar was going for a sales job. He knew he had the least

experience and least qualifications to get the job. In

face he wasn’t even sure how he’d got the interview.

What he did know was he was very thankful to be given

the opportunity. The interview went well, though it was

impressed on him again that everyone else was more

experienced for the role. As he left the building, he

slipped the receptionist an envelope. Inside was a thank

you note for the man who had just interviewed him,


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thanking him for his time and for the opportunity. That

evening, he got the call to say he’d got the job. His new

employee was very clear. It wasn’t his qualifications that

got him the job. It was the card. If he was able to thank

him at this stage, he knew Salar would be able to build

positive relationships with his clients which is exactly

what he was looking for. Being grateful won him the job.

In fact, if we feel good about ourselves we tend to look after our

physical selves better. We make better food choices, eat for

hunger and not to stave off sad or complicated emotions and we

enjoy making our bodies move. A happy body is a healthy body.

Many obesity theorists think that one of the reasons that people in

poorer areas are more likely to be obese isn’t because they can’t

afford the right food, but that their misery at having no money,

and limited resources impact their emotions and drive their body

to satisfy that need with food. And it’s often over-processed,


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sugary, body-hating food they crave. If your body isn’t what it

‘should’ be right now, or rather, if your body isn’t what you want

it to be right now, instead of focusing on the flabby bits, the sore

bits, the needing to be operated bits, focus on the parts that do

work well.

One of the fascinating thing about people who suffer from some

sort of impairment is their body makes up for it in some other

way.

For example a blind person often has a highly developed sense of

smell or incredible hearing. That is our body’s way of being

thankful for what does work. It compensates and provides an

enhanced talent at the cost of the one the person doesn’t have.

Developing an attitude of gratitude is one of the most important

things that you can do for attracting and manifesting the things

that you desire into your life. In fact, if you have a desire to

consistently attract the desired outcomes, it's essential that you

do!


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“You cannot give what you do not have.”

Thomas Troward

Be thankful for the ways in which you touch the lives of others.

Some of them you may not even be aware of, and that's okay.

Know that they do exist.

Take time to reflect on the good things in your life, not just today,

but every day. Really let yourself feel the goodness and love

surrounding you. Tell your loved ones what they mean to you.

Embrace them and be thankful for their presence in your life.

Focus on the love, for it's all that really matters.


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Chapter No. 7

Anger Management

You remember what I told you in

the chapter one of this book

regarding the chapters on anger

and stress management:


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No matter how ‘chill-type’ or ‘chill-er’’ you are, I highly

recommend that you spare some time going through those

chapters, for once you’re grief- or trauma- or failure-stricken, or

you get into some unfortunate whirl of life, I’m sure you won’t be

getting sufficient time looking for stuff on stress and anger

management. They have been written for you, yes for YOU ONLY!

Before we learn to manage our anger, we need to clarify what

actually anger is!

Anger is a deluded mind that focuses on an object, feels it to be

unattractive, exaggerates its bad qualities, and wishes to harm it.

Confused? Okay, let me explain.

For example, when we are angry with our friend, at that moment

he or she appears to us as unattractive or unpleasant. We then

exaggerate his/her bad qualities by focusing only on those aspects

that irritate us and ignoring all his/her good qualities and

kindness, until we have built up a mental image of an intrinsically


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faulty person. We then wish to harm them in some way, probably

by criticizing or disparaging them.

Moreover, as we shall see, anger is also an extremely destructive

mind that serves no useful purpose whatsoever. Having

understood the nature and disadvantages of anger, we then need to

watch our mind carefully at all times in order to recognize it

whenever it begins to arise.

But why taking that much trouble learning how to manage

anger? Probably a one sentence answer to this question is: there

is nothing more destructive than anger; it destroys our peace

and happiness in this life.

Please let me say that again: there is nothing more destructive

than anger. It destroys our peace and happiness in this life, and

impels us to engage in negative actions that lead to untold

suffering in future lives. The opponent to anger is ‘patient

acceptance’, and if we are seriously interested in progressing


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along the spiritual path there is no practice more important than

this.

Whenever we develop anger, our inner peace immediately

disappears and even our body becomes tense and uncomfortable.

Anger is by nature a painful state of mind. We are so restless that

we find it nearly impossible to fall asleep, and whatever sleep we

do manage to get is futile and unrefreshing. It is impossible to

enjoy ourselves when we are angry, and even the food we eat

seems unpalatable. Anger transforms even a normally attractive

person into an ugly red-faced demon. We grow more and more

miserable, and, no matter how hard we try, we cannot control our

emotions.

Now we’re gonna measure your anger, but before that let’s see

some of the adverse effects of anger:


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One of the most harmful effects

of anger is that it robs us of our

reason and good sense. Wishing

to retaliate against those whom

we think have harmed us, we

expose ourselves to great

personal danger merely to exact petty revenge. To get our own

back for perceived injustices or slights, we are prepared to

jeopardize our job, our relationships, and even the well-being of

our family. When we are angry we lose all freedom of choice,

driven here and there by an uncontrollable rage. Sometimes this

blind rage is even directed at our loved ones and benefactors. In a

fit of anger, forgetting the immeasurable kindness we have

received from our friends or family we might strike out against

and even harm the ones we hold most dear. It is no wonder that a

habitually angry person is soon avoided by all who know him.

This unfortunate victim of his own temper is the despair of those


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who formerly loved him, and eventually finds himself abandoned

by everyone.

Do remember: to someone who has subdued his or her mind and

eradicated the last trace of anger, all beings are friends.

It is very important to identify the actual cause of whatever

unhappiness we feel. If we are forever blaming our difficulties on

others, this is a sure sign that there are still many problems and

faults within our own mind. If we were truly peaceful inside and

had our mind under control, difficult people or circumstances

would not be able to disturb this peace, and so we would feel no

compulsion to blame anyone or regard them as our foes. Again I

say: to someone who has subdued his or her mind and eradicated

the last trace of anger, all beings are friends. Very few people

wish to harm someone who is a friend of all the world. With his

mind dwelling in patience, he would remain calm and untroubled,

and his love and respect for his assailant would be undiminished.

Such is the power of a well-controlled mind. Therefore, if we


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really want to be rid of all enemies, all we need to do is uproot

our own anger.

If we are able to recognize a negative train of thought before it

develops into full-blown anger, it is not too hard to control. If we

can do this, there is no danger of our anger being ‘bottled up’ and

turning into resentment.

Although saying ‘sorry’ is quite fine, but it never compensates for

the statements you’ve made in anger. A damage once done is

made forever! Therefore, it is quite the prerequisite that you

control anger before it develops. Now let me tell you a story to

make my point more clear:

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His

father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every

time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the

back of the fence.


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The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.

Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his

anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually

dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his

temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper

at all. He told his father about it and the father

suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each

day that he was able to hold his temper. The days

passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his

father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the

fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at

the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same.


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When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like

this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It

won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the

wound is still there.”

The little boy then understood how powerful his words

were. He looked up at his father and said “I hope you

can forgive me father for the holes I put in you.”

“Of course I can,” said the father

The next time you are tempted to say something hurtful to

someone just because you’re angry, you might want to stop and

remember this story: it’s a keeper.

At this point in our discussion, please allow me to introduce you

the concept of ‘repressing’ anger. ‘Controlling’ anger and

‘repressing’ anger are two very different things. 'Repression’


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occurs when anger has developed fully in our mind but we fail to

acknowledge its presence. We pretend to ourselves and to others

that we are not angry – we control the outward expression of

anger but not the anger itself. This is very dangerous because the

anger continues to seethe below the surface of our mind,

gathering in strength until one day it inevitably explodes.

Those who truly wish to be happy should make the effort to free

their minds from the poison of anger.

On the other hand, when we ‘control’ anger we see exactly what

is going on in our mind. We acknowledge honestly the angry

stirrings in our mind for what they are, realize that allowing them

to grow will only result in suffering, and then make a free and

conscious decision to respond more constructively. If we do this

skillfully, anger does not get a chance to develop properly, and so

there is nothing to repress. Once we learn to control and

overcome our anger in this way, we shall always find happiness.


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Now before we actually launch on to the discussion of anger

management techniques, let us discover first why we get angry.

Anger is a response to feelings of unhappiness, which in turn arise

whenever we meet with unpleasant circumstances or people.

Whenever we are prevented from fulfilling our wishes, or forced

into a situation we dislike – in short, whenever we have to put up

with something we would rather avoid – our uncontrolled mind

reacts by immediately feeling unhappy. This uncomfortable

feeling can easily turn into anger, and we become even more

disturbed than before.

Another main reason we become unhappy and angry is because

we are faced with a

situation we do not want or

like. Every day we

encounter hundreds of

situations we do not like,


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from stubbing our toe or having a disagreement with our friend, to

discovering that our house has burnt down or that we have

tonsillitis; and our normal reaction to all of these occurrences is to

become unhappy and angry. However, try as we might, we cannot

prevent unpleasant things happening to us. We cannot promise

that for the rest of the day nothing bad will happen to us; we

cannot even promise that we shall be alive to see the end of the

day!

The anger that we experience is particularly destructive in

relationships. When we live in close contact with someone, our

personalities, priorities, interests, and ways of doing things

frequently clash. Since we spend so much time together, and since

we know the other person’s shortcomings so well, it is very easy

for us to become critical and short-tempered with our partner and

to blame him or her for making our life uncomfortable. Unless we

make a continuous effort to deal with this anger as it arises, our

relationship will suffer. A couple may genuinely love one


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another, but if they frequently get angry with each other the times

when they are happy together will become fewer and further

between. Eventually there will come a point when before they

have recovered from one row the next has already begun. Like a

flower choked by weeds, love cannot survive in such

circumstances.

In a close relationship, opportunities to get angry arise many

times a day, so to prevent the build-up of bad feelings we need to

deal with anger as soon as it begins to arise in our mind. We clear

away the dishes after every meal rather than waiting until the end

of the month, because we do not want to live in a dirty house nor

be faced with a huge, unpleasant job. In the same way, we need to

make the effort to clear away the mess in our mind as soon as it

appears, for if we allow it to accumulate it will become more and

more difficult to deal with, and will endanger our relationship.

We should remember that every opportunity to develop anger is

also an opportunity to develop patience.


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And now the most destructive effect of anger:

It is through our anger and hatred that we transform people into

enemies. We generally assume that anger arises when we

encounter a disagreeable person, but actually it is the anger

already within us that transforms the person we meet into our

imagined foe. Someone controlled by their anger lives within a

paranoid view of the world, surrounded by enemies of his or her

own creation. The false belief that everyone hates him can

become so overwhelming that he might even go insane, the victim

of his own delusion.

Now we come to the most significant part of this article and that

is: how to control anger?

Since it is impossible to fulfil all our desires or to stop unwanted

things happening to us, we need to find a different way of relating

to frustrated desires and unwanted occurrences. We need to learn

‘patient acceptance’.


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‘Patience’ is a mind that is able to accept, fully and happily,

whatever occurs. It is much more than just gritting our teeth and

putting up with things. Being patient means to welcome

wholeheartedly whatever arises, having given up the idea that

things should be other than what they are. It is always possible to

be patient; there is no situation so bad that it cannot be accepted

patiently, with an open, accommodating,

and peaceful heart.

When patience is present in our mind it is

impossible for unhappy thoughts to gain

a foothold. There are many examples of

people who have managed to practise patience even in the most

extreme circumstances, such as under torture or in the final

ravages of cancer. Although their body was ruined beyond repair,

deep down their mind remained at peace. By learning to accept

the small difficulties and hardships that arise every day in the

course of our lives, gradually our capacity for patient acceptance


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will increase and we shall come to know for ourselves the

freedom and joy that true patience brings.

Geshe Chekhawa said:

“Always rely upon a happy mind alone.”

If there is a way to remedy an unpleasant, difficult situation, what

point is there in being unhappy? On the other hand, if it is

completely impossible to remedy the situation or to fulfil our

wishes, there is also no reason to get upset, for how will our

becoming unhappy help? This line of reasoning is very useful, for

we can apply it to any situation.

For every ailment under the sun;

there be a remedy or there be none.

If there be one, try to find it;

if there be none, never mind it.


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‘Patient acceptance’ does not necessarily mean that we do not

take practical steps to improve our situation. If it is possible to

remedy the situation, then of course we should; but to do this we

do not need to become unhappy and impatient. For example,

when we have a headache there is no contradiction between

practising patience and taking a tablet, but until the tablet takes

effect we need to accept whatever discomfort we feel with a calm

and patient mind. If instead of accepting our present pain we

become unhappy and fight against it, we shall just become tense,

and as a result it will take longer to get rid of our headache.

Instead of reacting blindly through the force of emotional habit,

we should examine whether it is helpful or realistic to become

unhappy in such situations. We do not need to become unhappy

just because things do not go our way. Although until now this

has indeed been our reaction to difficulties, once we recognize

that it does not work we are free to respond in a more realistic and

constructive way.


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Anger is one of the most common and destructive delusions, and

it afflicts our mind almost every day. To solve the problem of

anger we first need to recognize the anger within our mind,

acknowledge how it harms both ourselves and others, and

appreciate the benefits of being patient in the face of difficulties.

We then need to apply practical methods in our daily life to

reduce our anger and finally to

prevent it from arising at all.

By practising the instructions on

patience explained here, we can

transform our relationships into

opportunities for spiritual growth.

In getting prepared to manage your anger, it is firstly important to

be aware of the following:

1. DO NOT REACT IN ANGER! Now this is something I value

the most. Take time to consider what is going on. Reacting in


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anger is impulsive and very likely will not advantage you or

others.

2. Realise that anger management is challenging and often not

easy. It is a work in progress throughout life. Slip-ups are the

order of the day.

You can learn to do better, to have more control but it takes time

and effort. Some of the anger-management techniques have been

briefly described here:

1. Step one in anger management is to develop awareness of

what causes you to react in anger, i.e. to learn your triggers.

Start by keeping a journal and tracking your triggers. Carry

a small ‘trigger book’ with you and as things happen that

make you angry, write them down. (If you are a lazy person

like me, I recommend that make a folder in your mobile,

entitled, ‘Anger Triggers’ and edit such people, events, etc.

that are most likely to incite you to anger.) See if a pattern


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emerges and whether you can identify certain people,

events, circumstances or particular times of the day that are

triggering your anger states.

Following this, a useful thing to do is to identify what situations

you can and cannot change. By identifying what you cannot

change, such as traffic jams at certain times, you might be able to

avoid this altogether, or, if you have identified something that

cannot be changed you can learn not to react. This would be a

good time to use some anger reduction techniques like slow

breathing. It may also be necessary to realise that there are some

things, situations, or people that we just have to accept. We

cannot change them, we just have to come to some acceptance

and tolerance of them.

2. A good place to begin in gaining control of our anger is to

maintain a healthy balanced lifestyle. Getting enough sleep, for

instance, is very important. We know that sleep deprivation

triggers states of anger, depression and anxiety, so try to develop


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a sound sleeping habit. Good nutrition and appropriate exercise

are also essential. Lack of attention to either of these can lead to

fatigue and when we are fatigued we are much more prone to

react rather than respond appropriately to anger triggers. Also,

vigorous exercise can help to ‘burn off’ some of the anger/stress

hormones, leaving you feeling calmer and more relaxed.

3. Talking to someone can help. Start with a friend or family

member, or alternatively a professional counsellor or

psychologist, particularly if your anger is out of control.

4. Learn about irrational beliefs and how they can be dealt with.

Sometimes irrational

beliefs can trigger

emotions which lead to

anger. Examples of

irrational beliefs are, “I

must be loved or liked

or approved of by every

MANAGING ANGER:

1. Know your anger triggers

2. Talk to a trusted friend

3. Get rid of unreasonable beliefs

4. Count to 10 (or even 100!)

5. Accept what can’t be changed

6. Good sleep, food and exercise

7. Walk away; come back and deal

with it later when you feel calm

8. Distract yourself

9. Write a response to a problem

before tackling it orally


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person I meet” or “I must be completely competent in every task

and situation”. If such beliefs are not fulfilled, we may feel

frustrated and angry in certain situations.

Alternatively, we may have beliefs that are counterproductive to

dealing with our anger such as “my unhappiness and anger are out

of my control” or “my problems come from my past and there is

nothing I can do about them and that is why I have problems

now”. Such thoughts will only get into the way of making

progress to gaining balance and control in our lives.

A good way to deal with irrational beliefs is to learn some

cognitive strategies such as challenging your negative beliefs or

statements with alternative statements which are more realistic

and rational. Some ways in which we can challenge our thoughts

are by asking ourselves the following questions:


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• What evidence do I have for this thought? Is there another way

of looking at the situation, another explanation, other options?

• Could it be seen differently by another person? Am I setting

unrealistic or unobtainable standards?

• Do I have all the facts or am I overlooking relevant ones and

over-emphasising irrelevant ones?

• Am I thinking in all-or-nothing or

black-and-white terms only?

• Am I overestimating my

responsibility in this?

• Am I underestimating my ability

in this?

5. ‘Time out’ is a very basic but effective technique. It can be as

simple as counting to 10 [or 100!] or it can involve removing

yourself from the situation or person. A must for people who are

very ‘short-fused’. When we are in anger mode, poor decisions or

responses can easily be made. ‘Time out’ is a soothing technique.


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The use of such simple techniques has the effect of calming you

down, allowing you to make more considered and appropriate

responses to trigger situations.

6. Engage in calming (anger-reducing) self-talk. Look out for

thoughts (and beliefs) that are anger-inducing and often extreme

and irrational (e.g. "It is not fair!", "I am entitled to get angry",

"People should not treat me like that", "You should know better

to….!", "You are always late...", "I can't stand this!"). Avoid

words that are extreme or demanding or exaggerate the badness of

a situation (e.g. never, always, should, must, should not, must

not).

Anger-Encouraging Self-Talk Anger-Reducing Self-Talk "I can't stand this waiting. This cashier is so incompetent...!"

"It is frustrating but not intolerable. I can see she is trying her best in this busy situation."

'It's so unfair that he is promoted before me....!"

"Where is written that life is fair? ..."

"He should not do that to me "Not everyone lives by my


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because I will not do that to him!"

rules. It is sad that people can be unkind and thoughtless but I don't need to react..."

"I am so stupid for making such mistake...!"

"I am only human...What can I learn from this mistake?"

"Oh no, this traffic jam is driving me mad!"

"No point getting angry over this. Maybe I can use this time to relax."

"He does not like what I do. I must be stupid or what!"

"I can't please everyone. Most other people like what I did...."

"He is always unreasonable..." "Come to think, he had been reasonable in the past when I was not so pushy..."

"I must win this argument...I must be in control...I must be in charge!"

"Wait a minute. It is not necessary to win all the time. I need to listen...he may be right..."

Now here’s an example: someone has made a mistake.


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Aggressive Response: "You stupid fool, look what you have done!

You have ruined my whole day with your stupidity!"

More Effective Response: "I feel extremely annoyed that you

forgot to send that message. It is going to cause me a great

deal of difficulty. Could you please make sure that it will not

happen again in future?" (in a firm but respectful tone).

In the aggressive response, you have certainly communicated

your anger to the person, and you have also blamed them and

verbally abused them. In the latter response, you have stated your

annoyance, which is directed not at the person but at their

actions. You have expressed your feelings clearly and indicated

that you want to try to resolve the problem.

7. Advantage/Disadvantage Method. When you are feeling angry

in a particular situation, you are urged to list the advantages and

disadvantages of behaving angrily. You then review the list

considering the short and long-term consequences, and decide

whether angry behaviour is in your best interest.


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ADVANTAGES DISADVANTAGES I have the right to get angry if I want to.

I often feel guilty and hate myself after I have lost my temper

I will teach him a lesson not to do it again.

It probably won't teach him not to do it again. It may in fact worsen the situation.

8. Again a very important technique that you must employ: write

out a response to a problem before tackling it orally or in debate.

This will give you time to think about the best approach to a

problem rather than responding with random anger.

9. Distract yourself. Do something you enjoy, like reading,

games, going to the store, cooking a meal...and take your mind off

the anger. Come back and deal with it when you are feeling

calmer.


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10. Managing strong emotions is a reality check time and a useful

question to ask is: “What can and cannot be changed?”. You may

need to learn to accept what cannot be changed and start working

on what can be changed.

Now we’re gonna work at some of the work-sheets with the

objective of examining the effects of anger in your life. Please do

not take these exercises lightly. No matter how silly these

questions might sound to you at first, once you’re finished with

all of them, you’re gonna somewhat master the techniques of

anger management. Now don’t read ahead until you’ve got a pen

or a pencil for yourself. GO! Get it! Then move ahead.

I lay particular emphasis on writing down things and you must

have witnessed this in some of the techniques of anger

management, eg. self-talk method, and advantage/disadvantage

technique, and now these worksheets. You know why am I that

inclined towards writing things down? Firstly, it gives you a vivid

picture of all the pros and cons of a situation that you cannot see


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in mental imagination. And secondly, I once read a quote: a goal

not written is only a wish. That’s why I keep on telling people to

write things down and refer to them often if they wanna get some

effective solutions.

Now you take some time to write down your honest answers to

these questions.

As you realize the toll anger is taking on your life you may

discover a stronger motivation to resolve it and move on.

1. How anger affects you?

How does anger make you feel?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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How has anger affected your sleep patterns?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Where in your body do you feel anger? List your physical signs of

being angry. (e.g. clenched teeth, racing heart, problems

concentrating, yelling, irregular breathing, headache, etc.) Show

in this diagram where you experience anger by shading or circling

the area or writing words.

______________________________

______________________________

______________________________

______________________________

______________________________

______________________________


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What makes you angry? List all the things you can think of... all

the way from small annoyances to big problems.

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

How do you usually react when you feel angry?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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Think about the last time you reacted in an unhealthy or negative

way to anger. What happened right before you got angry?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

How did you react?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

How did you feel after you reacted?


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_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

What could you have done instead?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

What would happen if you were to react in a more positive way?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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2. Now imagine your life without this anger.

Without anger, how would you feel when you get up in the

morning?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Without anger, how would you feel when you go to bed at night?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Without anger, how would you feel when you are at

college/work?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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Without anger, how would you feel when you think about the

future?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Answering these questions honestly will help you gain a vision of

a better life you can choose to move toward.

3. Gaining Acceptance

Have you ever changed the past?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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Has anyone you know ever really succeeded in changing the past?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Do you want to spend your life trying to do what is impossible?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

The past cannot ever really be changed. Whatever happened …

happened.

But the good news is - if you allow it, the past is done. It is over.

It is kaput.

Accept it and move on to better things. The past cannot be

changed. But our understanding and feelings about the past can be

changed. That is where healing can take place.


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4. Gaining Understanding, Compassion and Forgiveness

Now it is time to explore motivation. Get into the other guy’s

shoes. See how they feel. Walk in them for awhile.

Ask yourself why the other person might have done what he or

she did?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Ask yourself what kind of pressures or concerns the other person

might have had?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Ask yourself what other factors might have influenced the other

person to act the way they did?


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_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Ask yourself was the other person was doing the best they could

in that moment?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Gaining this understanding can be very powerful. We still may

not agree with the other person.

But when we see the situation or other person in a broader

context, and understand their point of view, it is easier to let go of

our anger and forgive.

Many of us cannot forgive those who have trespassed against us.

Something below the level of our conscious awareness prevents

us from relieving our residual anger by forgiving the other person


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and we then carry a grudge in our hearts for thirty years! This

unresolved anger poisons our relationship with our friends and

loved ones. It even spoils our relationship with ourselves! We

make our own lives mean and miserable instead of happy and full.

Very often the feeling is, "Why should I forgive them? What they

did was WRONG!" But, is forgiveness for those who only do us

right? Most people have a hard time forgiving others simply

because they have a wrong understanding of what forgiveness is!

When you forgive someone, it does not mean that you condone or

are legitimizing their behaviour towards you. To forgive them

means that you refuse to carry painful and debilitating grudges

around with you for the rest of your life! You are ‘refusing’ to

cling to the resentment of them having done you wrong. You are

giving yourself some immediate relief from your OWN anger!

To forgive, then, is an act that we do on our OWN behalf.

It has nothing to do with ‘lifting’ the other person's sin! You are

not doing it for their sake. You are doing it for yourself. This is a


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choice you are making on your OWN terms in order to relieve

your OWN pent-up emotions.

5. A Plan for Dealing With Anger

Make a plan. Write down one of the situations from your anger

scale. Choose one that causes you to feel a little angry. Describe

how you would like to react in the future to this situation.

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

What negative behaviour do you most want to avoid when you

experience anger?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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What will you do instead?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

What will you do when you experience your early warning signs

of anger?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

How will you handle situations when you feel very angry?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

In reality most of our emotional problems are nothing more than a

failure to accept things as they are – in which case it is ‘patient

acceptance’, rather than attempting to change externals, that is the

solution. Once we fully accept other people as they are without

the slightest judgement or reservation then there is no basis for

problems in our relations with others. Problems do not exist

outside our mind, so when we stop seeing other people as

problems they stop being problems. The person who is a problem

to a non-accepting mind does not exist in the calm, clear space of

‘patient acceptance’.

‘Patient acceptance’ not only helps us,

it also helps those with whom we are

patient. Being accepted feels very


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different to being judged. When someone feels judged they

automatically become tight and defensive, but when they feel

accepted they can relax, and this allows their good qualities to

come to the surface. Patience always solves our inner problems,

but often it solves problems between people as well.

DO REMEMBER:

ANGER IS NATURAL; VIOLENCE IS NOT!

Just one more thing...

Please forgive me if I’ve ever left a hole in your fence!


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Chapter No. 8

Tea-Time Chapter No.3

This time I’ve got for you some of the instructions that you need

to know for a fulfilling life. You know what I’m gonna say now:

GO SLOW!


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Give people more than they expect and do it

cheerfully.

Pray. There's immeasurable power in

it!

DO NOT judge people by their relatives.

In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. DO NOT bring up the

past!

Never indulge in ‘I am worse than you’ sort of

conversation.


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Remember that not getting what you want is

sometimes a stroke of luck.

Trust in God but lock your car.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best

answer.

Read more books and watch less TV.

If you make a lot of money, put it to use. Help

others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.


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Smile when picking up the phone. The caller

will hear it in your voice.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

Be gentle with the earth.

Mind your own business.

When someone asks you a question you don't

want to answer, smile and ask, ''Why do you

want to know?''


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Chapter No. 9

Analyse Your Personality

It’s Good To Know Your Ownself!

Ouch!

A little embarrassing it is, but the fact is that most of us live for

years and years, yet fail to understand our own beings. Here I am

gonna help you know your personality traits. Another interesting

thing that I am gonna tell you is the reason why you’ll instantly


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make friends with some people and why, at times, you feel like

that somebody has descended on this planet just to irritate you

and make your life a little more troubled!

Furthermore, if you learn to understand what excites, motivates,

irritates and frustrates these different personality types, you'll be

well on your way to making more and more friends. So, let’s get

ready to discover your personality type.

I’m gonna describe some traits and then I shall ask you to which

trait do you belong. You need to give an avid read to the

descriptions that follow and then give honest answers to a total of

two questions that follow. Then I shall tell you your personality

type.

Here I’m gonna tell you the difference between an extrovert and

an introvert. Read it carefully and answer the question that

follows.


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Extroverts tend to befriend the world instantly, while introverts

tend to pick their friends carefully. Extroverts readily and

spontaneously tell stories, share secrets and express their

emotions, because they believe that doing so will bring them

closer to people. Extroverts are people-oriented. They often make

decisions based upon emotions. They are very affectionate and

demonstrative early in relationships. They also tend to be very

concerned with the opinions and feelings of others. On the other

hand, introverts tend to be goal oriented. They also tell stories,

share secrets and express their emotions, but only if they see a

good point in doing so. Introverts only open up when they believe

that sharing emotions, stories and secrets will bring them closer

to what they want from life. They can be very affectionate, but

they tend to hold their affections back for those selected people

who matter to them. Introverts like to base their decisions on their

own inner logic and understanding, rather than worry about the

opinions and emotions of others.


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Q. Are you primarily an extrovert or primarily an introvert?

___________________________________________________

Now the difference between an impulsive and a tentative follows.

Again go through it and answer the question that follows.

Impulsive people are fast-paced and very direct. They talk fast;

they move fast; they think quickly; they act impulsively; they

express themselves easily and directly. Impulsive people have a

tremendous-inner need to get things done. In contrast, tentative

people are slower-paced and very indirect. They talk slower; they

think cautiously; they move carefully; they speak prudently; they

hesitate before taking action. Tentative people have a tremendous

inner-need to get things right. For example, impulsive people

usually greet others directly with statements like, "Come in, sit

down, have a drink." While tentative people tend to ask, "Would


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you like to come in? Would you care to sit down? Can I get you a

drink?"

Q. Are you primarily an impulsive or primarily a tentative?

Once you’ve answered both the questions, you must have got one

of the following combinations.

Tick mark your personality type from the following:

1. Extrovert and impulsive qualities

2. Extrovert and tentative qualities

3. Introvert and impulsive qualities

4. Introvert and tentative qualities

The descriptions of these four personality types follow. You don’t

need to go through all these descriptions; just go through the one

that corresponds to your personality type.


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1. People who exhibit extrovert and impulsive qualities:

These people believe that the main purpose in life is to enjoy what

life has to offer. They tend towards impulsive acts of kindness,

impulsive acts of friendship and impulsive acts of all kinds. They

love to talk. They love to be the centre of attention. They are

nature's enthusiasts and can get people involved in almost

anything. On the flip side, they need to learn to control their

impulsiveness, or they can often impulse themselves right into

bankruptcy and over-commitments. These people don't really care

about logic, and they are bad with details. They can do detailed

and logical work. These people are often amazed when their bills

arrive each month. They tend to think, "Didn't I just pay this?"

They only learn to budget and be organized when they discover

the link between enjoying life and planning ahead.

If you have ever wondered, "How did I get myself into this

situation?" chances are, you belong to this group. But the true test


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as to whether or not you're an impulsive-extrovert comes when

you ask yourself what irritates you the most. What irritates these

people the most? Routine, structure, and most of all, any person

who points out their ‘illogical’ behavior and expects them to

change who they are. When dealing with such personalities, you

should be dynamic and appreciative. Help them to focus on one

thing at a time, and always shower them with attention, approval

and applause. They will love you for your efforts and pay you

back with buckets of enthusiasm and energy.

2. Extroverted but tentative people:

These people believe that the main purpose in life is to build

sincere and deep relationships with other people. They tend to be

the best listeners. They also tend to care a great deal about what

other people think and feel. They are happiest when everyone

around them is happy, so they do a lot to contribute to the

happiness of others. They love to communicate their feelings and


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emotions. They love to get close to people and help others find

contentment. These people are supportive, balanced, friendly,

sensitive, caring and chatty. They are the cement that holds a

group together, and they work tirelessly at cultivating harmonious

relationships. On the other hand, they become very uncomfortable

with any behaviour that threatens the stability and harmony of

their relationships. They are easily hurt by what they consider

insensitive behaviour. And, rather than cause a scene or hurt

others, they will bury their hurt inside themselves. They tend to

develop grudges and become overwhelmed, or disillusioned by

the behaviour of others. They often think, "Why aren't people

more nice?" They only learn acceptance, when they discover that

not all personalities care about being nice as much as they do.

When they stop taking every action so personally, they can find

greater balance. When they stop expecting everyone to be as

sensitive as they are, they can learn to become less sensitive to

others.


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If you have ever wondered, "Why is that person being so mean?"

chances are, you belong to this group. Once again, the true test as

to whether or not you're a tentative-extrovert comes when you ask

yourself what irritates you the most. What irritates a tentative-

extrovert? Abrupt, rude, unpredictable and argumentative

situations, or people. As well as any action that threatens the

peace and harmony of their day. When dealing with such

personalities, you should be friendly, empathetic, patient,

supportive, accepting and take your time. They will blossom

under your support and become the foundation that supports

everyone in your life.

3. People who exhibit impulsive and introvert qualities:

These people feel that the main purpose in life is to accomplish

something meaningful. They live to be acknowledged for their

contributions to the world. They tend to be goal-driven and

future-oriented. They love to be part of something big and


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important. They want to leave a mark on the world. They feel

good when they have hit their target, and they hate people who

get in their way. Whenever they feel trapped by people, or

circumstance, they become irritable and abrupt. When they listen

to other people speak, they often find their minds wandering.

They really just want people to get to the point, so that they can

get to their point. Such personalities live to make a point. But they

need to learn that not everybody lives to make a point the same

way they do. They only learn to interact with people effectively

when they discover the link between getting things done and

getting along with people.

If you have ever wondered, "Why won't they just get to the point

and leave me alone?" chances are, you belong to this group. But

again, the true test as to whether or not you're an impulsive-

introvert comes when you ask yourself what irritates you the

most. What irritates such people? Waiting, indecision, wasting

time, long-winded people without a point and being ordered to do


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anything. These people need to control their own choices and

destiny. When dealing with such personalities always be succinct,

help them discover solutions, give them choices, help them to

achieve their goals, give them credit for their accomplishments

and don't waste their time. If you give them the control they

require, they will adore you and become your top producers.

4. Tentative but introverted people:

These personalities believe that the main purpose in life is to

understand the patterns that make life possible. They love to

know ‘why’ and ‘how’. They sift through the data of life and try

to make sense of things. They love structure, predictability,

numbers, scientific method, physical proof and evidence. They

value logical discussion, and they feel uncomfortable with overly

emotional outbursts. These people are perfectionists. They want

the world to make perfect sense, and they have a hard time

accepting the fact that not everyone cares about logic and


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accuracy as much as they do. It just doesn't seem logical to them

that people can function without logic. When these people are

confronted by illogical and emotional people, a ‘this-does-not-

compute’ sign begins to flash in their brains. They keep wanting

to fix the illogical thought, even when the illogical thought comes

from someone else. When people do not cooperate with them, by

giving them the logic that they require, they feel unsettled and

will often withdraw from the situation. These people spend a lot

of energy trying to make sense of troubling events, so they can

avoid those events in the future. When they are upset, they like to

break down the exact cause of the frustration and will often recite

each event in sequence to pinpoint the problem. They need to

learn that not everybody cares about making sense and being

logical. They only learn how to interact with others effectively

when they discover the link between their own need for logic and

the il-logic of always wanting and expecting others to be logical.


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If you have ever wondered, "Can't they see that they aren't

making sense?" chances are, you belong to this group. Again, the

true test as to whether or not you're a tentative-introvert comes

when you ask yourself what irritates you the most. What irritates

a tentative-introvert? Inaccuracy, imprecision, lack of planning,

rushing into things and any impulsive, ill-advised, illogical

behaviour. When dealing with such people, you should be precise,

thorough, organized and methodical. Appreciate their logic and

their depth of understanding. Give them time. They need time in

order to do a good job. But don't give them forever. Their

desperate need to get things right often means that they never feel

ready. So, help them to create deadlines. And help them to see the

illogic of always expecting logic and perfection from others. They

will appreciate your understanding and become your most

brilliant touchstones.


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Before ending this article, I would like to emphasize that you

need to be careful about your interactions with other people.

Whenever you find that people are driving you crazy, chances are

that they are your opposite; so probably, you're finding it difficult

to understand what they want from you, and you're finding it

difficult to explain yourself to them.

Once you learn to give people what they need in order to thrive,

you will start interacting with them more effectively.


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Chapter No. 10

Stress Management

Do you want me to say that again?

No matter how ‘chill-type’ or ‘chill-er’’ you are, I highly

recommend that you spare some time going through those

chapters, for once you’re grief- or trauma- or failure-stricken, or

you get into some unfortunate whirl of life, I’m sure you won’t be

getting sufficient time looking for stuff on stress and anger

management. They have been written for you, yes for YOU ONLY!


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My very dear, have you noticed how much the world has changed

in the past 150 years? Humans used to travel from one place to

another on their feet. There were no cars, motorcycles, buses, no -

nothing! We were still using the same method, used for thousands

of years before, carrying water from rivers in buckets and pails. In

fact, people relied completely on the strength of their limbs and

some animals to do most of the work.

In recent years, the rate of change has become almost shocking. A

middle-aged person, now living, would have seen all kinds of

amazing technological advances within their lifetime; including

telegram, car, black and white television, stereo system, ipod, etc

– and is probably now able to watch everything that’s going on in

the world on a plasma television from the

comfort of their home.

We don’t like change – and, in fact,

humans tend to find change to be most

stressful. In this fast changing world, it is


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perfectly alright to admit to being stressed.

Now let us find out why we are so stressed out.

We're living in very trying and difficult times and things don't

seem to be getting any easier. Sometimes life can seem terribly

painful and unfair, yet somehow we manage to struggle on, day

after day, hoping and praying

that things will soon get

better.

But day by day the world is

becoming a crazier and a

more uncertain place to live

in, not to mention stressful.

Nothing seems safe anymore. Millions of people are in record

levels of debt. Many are losing their jobs, their homes, their

health and sometimes even their sanity.

Worry, depression and anxiety seem to have become a way of life

for too many people. We seem to have entered the ‘Age of


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Anxiety’. The constant stress and uncertainties of living in the

21st century have certainly taken their toll, and as a result many

of us seem to live a life of constant fear and worry.

Turn on the news or open up a newspaper and we are bombarded

with disturbing images and stories. We begin to wonder if we are

safe anywhere. In this, the information age, never before have we

had so much access to so much data.

The economy is another stressor. Our country is in debt and so are

many Pakistanis. Soaring electricity prices, outrageous housing

costs, even the cost of food has sent many Pakistanis to work in

jobs that are unsatisfying and tedious. They work these jobs

because they need a pay-check. Today, it’s more important to

bring home the bread rather than work in a dream career.

Even children can feel the pressure of stress and anxiety.

Teenagers who want to go to college find themselves pushing

during their studies to try and obtain scholarships so they can

attend colleges that have ever increasing tuition costs.


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They find themselves having to hold down part-time jobs on top

of all to earn money for extras that their parents can no longer

afford. I myself have witnessed teens offering themselves as

home tutors owing to financial constraint on the part of their

families to sustain their school fee. Add peer pressure into the

mix and you have a veritable pressure cooker!

Cell phones, internet, palm

pilots, blackberries, i-pods –

we are always on the go and

always reachable.

We don’t make time to relax

and enjoy life any more.

Why not? We certainly should!

We feel pressure to do these things because we think we HAVE

to, not because we WANT to. All too often, it’s difficult for

people to just say, “No”. Not saying that one little word piles up

un-needed expectations and obligations that make us feel anxious.


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It seems like you hear it all the time from nearly every one you

know – “I’m SO stressed out!”

Pressures abound in this world today. Those pressures cause

stress and anxiety, and often we are ill-equipped to deal with

those stressors that trigger anxiety and other feelings that can

make us sick. Literally, sick!

And stress accounts for 80 percent of all illnesses either directly

or indirectly. In fact, stress is more dangerous than we thought. I

hope you've heard that it can raise your blood pressure, increasing

the likelihood of a stroke in the distant future.

Furthermore, stress often prompts people to respond in unhealthy

ways such as smoking, eating poorly, or becoming physically

inactive. This damages the body in addition to the wear and tear

of the stress itself.

Stress is a part of daily life. It’s how we ‘react’ to it that makes all

the difference in maintaining our health and well-being. Pressures

occur throughout life and those pressures cause stress. You need


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to realise that you will never

completely get rid of stress in

your life, but you can learn

coping techniques to turn

that stress into a healthier

situation.

When I first got the idea of

writing this article, I immediately thought: “Sure, you can

eliminate stress and anxiety by locking yourself into a room and

never talking to anyone ever again”. But that wouldn’t make a

very informative article, now would it?

What I’ve done in this article is to take some of my own

experiences and combined them with advice from experts to give

you tools that will help you in stressful situations.

There are many different methods to overcome stress and

different people handle it differently. What works for you may not


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work for others. Understanding stress and knowing how to control

or even eliminate it is the key to freedom in your life.

Why is it that some people can handle stress so effectively no

matter what comes their way while some others throw themselves

into the sea of depression just because of a tiny thing such as a

little change in their routine or because of their assumption of

what other people may think of them?

Can it be like some people find pasta is an excellent food while

others feel yucky about it? I believe that you have heard of the

expression ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’. Many people

don’t know much about that; probably because they have never

owned a camel (lol).

Well, every camel has a limit as to the weight which it can carry.

If a camel has carried the maximum weight, an extra tiny weight

of a feather can break its back … literally.


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The same thing goes

with stress. It

accumulates and

accumulates and

accumulates until out

of the blue, you blow

up over a silly little thing such as a door left open by one of your

family members.

You will undoubtedly look very unreasonable as you ‘scream’

about the door. But of course, it is not really about the door; it is

about the build-up of stress.

When you do not feel comfortable about something, a regular

nagging of anger, fear or frustration generates negative feelings

and some unwanted reactions in your body, resulting in pains,

aches or bad temper.

A person who gets stressed easily tends to quarrel with family

members, friends and co-workers more frequently; and that leads


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to fights, arguments, aggressive attacks, over-reactions, changes

of jobs, shying away from society and impulsive driving of

vehicles.

All of us will experience situations that may cause us to become

stressed or feel anxious. The reasons are too many to note but can

include having guests stay over, being bullied, exams, assignment

deadlines, managing finances, relationship issues, travelling, etc.

Stress is a ‘normal’ function of everyday life. Only when it

appears to take over our lives does it then become a problem.

Everyone will have different reasons why a situation causes them

pressure. As a rule, it’s usually when we don’t feel in control of a

situation, then we feel its grip tightening around us causing us to

feel worried or ‘stressed’.

If stress is caused by us not feeling in control of a situation, the

answer is to try and reverse this, and regain that control. The good

news is: YOU CAN! You have everything inside you that you

need to overcome your stress and the accompanying anxiety. The


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problem is, often we don’t realize that we are in control because

we feel so out of control at times. But the tools are there, you just

have to use them.

One more thing that you need to know is: it is not possible to

remove stress completely; in fact, some stress may be useful in

helping you perform well or to use care in dangerous situations.

What is necessary is for each person to find an optimal level of

stress—not too much or too little.

Now let’s see if you are overly stressed out. Ask yourself the

following:

1. Do you worry constantly and cycle with negative self-talk?

2. Do you have difficulty concentrating?

3. Do you get mad and react easily?

4. Do you have recurring neck or headaches?

5. Do you grind your teeth?

6. Do you frequently feel overwhelmed, anxious or depressed?


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7. Do you feed your stress with unhealthy habits-eating too much

junk food, smoking, arguing, or avoiding yourself and life in

other ways?

8. Do small pleasures fail to satisfy you?

9. Do you experience flashes of anger over a minor problem?

10. Or have you noticed:

• A door slammed a little too hard;

• An overpowering sense of fatigue;

• Lots of faultfinding and bickering, and

• A constant state of turmoil?

If your answer is ‘Yes’ to most of these questions, then you do

have excessive stress in your life. The good news is that you’ve

got this book and will learn

many valuable techniques to

cope with that stress. But we’ll

get to that later! Let’s discuss


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some other aspects of stress first.

Will you be surprised when I tell you that most of the time it is

the behaviours on our part that do not relieve us of stress, or even

worse put us in a stressful situation?

Let’s have a rapid go at those behaviours first.

There are three obsessive behaviours that you are likely to be

engaging in that impede your healing process and stop you from

enjoying a stress-free life. Recognizing these barriers can be a

great first step towards getting rid of the problems that go with

being too stressed.

The first is obsessive negativity. When you are obsessively

negative, it means that you

have a tendency toward being

‘negative’ about people, places,

situations, and things in your

life. Perhaps you find yourself

saying things like "I can't do

Behaviours that keep

your stress alive:

Obsessive negativity

Obsessive perfectionism

Obsessive analysis


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this!" or "No one understands!" or "Nothing ever works!", for

example. You may be doing this unconsciously, but essentially

you have what is known as a ‘sour grapes’ attitude, and it holds

you back from knowing what it's like to view life from a positive

lens and enjoy the beauty in yourself and people around you!

There's a whole world out there for you...with happiness and

positive thinking.

Then you have obsessive perfectionism. When you engage in

obsessive perfectionism, you are centered on trying to do

everything ‘just so’ to the point of driving yourself into an

anxious state of being. You may find yourself making statements

such as, "I have to do this right, or I'll be a failure!" or "If I am not

precise, people will be mad at me!"

Again, this behaviour may be totally under the threshold of your

awareness, but it interferes greatly with your ability to enjoy

things without feeling ‘uptight’ and ‘stressed’.


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Finally there is obsessive analysis. When you are obsessed about

analysing things, you find yourself wanting to re-hash a task or an

issue over and over again. For instance, you might find yourself

making statements such as, "I need to look this over, study it, and

know it inside and out...or else I can't relax!" or "If I relax and let

things go without looking

them over repeatedly,

things go wrong!"

While analytical thinking

is an excellent trait, if it's

done in excess you never

get to stop and smell the

roses because you're too busy trying to analyse everything and

everyone around you. Gaining insight into this type of behaviour

is one of the most important keys to letting go of stress, and

getting complete power over your anxiety.


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If you find yourself engaging in any of the above ‘blocking

behaviours’, there is one thing you can do to help yourself: ask

the people you know, love, and trust, "Am I negative about

things?", "Do I complain a lot?", and "Am I difficult to be

around?"

This may be hard for you to listen to, as the truth sometimes hurts

a great deal. But the insight you will get from others' assessment

of you is invaluable, and you'll know precisely how others see

you. Accept their comments as helpful info, and know that you

will gain amazing insights from what you hear.

Now, let’s quickly go through some of the things that cause

stress.

Stress is mainly caused by

anxiety and depression which

may be brought to you through

these events and conditions:


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1. Specific events and happenings such as argument with loved

ones or suffering from loss.

2. Health - including mental health (e.g. loneliness) and physical

health (physically disabled).

3. Marriage

4. Job

5. Bad habits

Next, you will discover how your body reacts to stress...

Different people experience stress differently.

There are times where stress can lead to diarrhoea and urination.

Your body feels cold as all the energy and attention is focused to

fight against the stress.


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Do remember: stress can smash up your physical and mental

health. It is also the seed of many diseases and disorders.

Reducing stress is a must for better living and a healthy life. A

simple change in your lifestyle can produce a huge impact in your

life.

Now as far as ‘stress’ is concerned, I have a good news and a bad

news for you.

First the bad news

- some of the

things causing your

stress are here for

the long term. Others will go away, but be replaced by new

distressing things.

Now the good news - even though you can't escape the fact that

there will always be some stressors in your life, there are some

basic things you can do to put yourself in a good position to


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handle stress that comes your way. And you can do your best to

not be the source of your own stress!

Here are some simple and easy-to-follow ways to eliminate your

stress naturally:

1. Don’t just sit there. Move! According to many

psychologists, motion creates emotion. You might notice

that when you are idle, it’s easier to become depressed.

Your heart rate slows down, less oxygen travels to your

brain, and you are slumped somewhere in a chair blocking

air from reaching your lungs.

Exercise is one of the best ways to relieve stress. The more

stressed you are, the greater the amount of exercise you need.

When you exercise, mood-elevating endorphins are released into

the blood stream. Break a sweat. You'll feel great. As the blood

flow to the brain increases, it will ‘wash out the cobwebs’. In

addition, exercise promotes restful sleep.


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I challenge you right now, regardless of how you are feeling, to

get up and walk around at a fast tempo. Maybe you might want to

go to an empty room and jump up and down a little bit. It may

sound silly but the results speak for themselves. Try it now for a

few minutes. It works like magic. Exercise can be a great stress

buster.

2. Smell the roses. How do you smell the roses? How about

investing some money to go on that one trip you’ve been

dreaming about?

Visit some place that you have been longing to visit. You need to

detach from your daily activities and venture a little bit.

3. Help others cope with their

problems. It is very therapeutic

when you engross yourself in

helping others. You will be

surprised how many people’s


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problems are worse than those you may be facing.

You can offer others assistance in countless ways. Don’t curl up

in your bed and let depression and stress take hold of you.

Get out and help somebody. But be careful. Don’t get caught up

in other people’s problems in an attempt to forget about your

own.

4. Laugh a little. By now you must have heard that laughter is a

good internal medicine. It relieves tension and loosens the

muscles. It causes blood to flow to the heart and brain. More

importantly, laughter releases a chemical that rids the body of

pains.

"Humour is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute

it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away,

and a sunny spirit takes their place."

-Mark Twain

Every day, researchers discover new benefits of laughter. So, why

not give it a try as a stress-reducer?


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5. Wear your knees out. If

there were one

sustainable remedy I

could offer you when the

going gets tough, it would

be prayer. There you have

a few quick fixes when

you’re feeling stressed.

Want more? No problem!

6. Stress is contagious. What we mean by this is that negative

people can be huge stressors. Negativity breeds stress and some

people know how to do nothing but complain.

Don’t get caught up in their downing behaviour. Recognize that

these kinds of people have their own stress and then limit your

contact with them. You can try to play stress doctor and teach

them how to better manage their stress, but be aware that this may

contribute more to your own stress, so tread lightly.


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7. Copy good stress managers. When people around are losing

their head, which people remain calm? What are they doing

differently? What is their attitude? What language do they use?

Are they trained and experienced?

Figure it out from afar or sit them down for a chat. Learn from the

best stress managers and copy what they do.

8. Stop stress thought trains. It is possible to tangle yourself up in

a stress knot all by yourself. “If this happens, then that might

happen and then we’re all

up the creek!” Most of

these things never happen,

so why waste all that

energy worrying

needlessly?

Give stress thought-trains

the red light and stop them

in their tracks. Okay so it


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might go wrong – how likely is that and what can you do to

prevent it?

9. Know your stress hot spots and trigger points. I call them

‘stressors’. Presentations, interviews, meetings, giving difficult

feedback, tight deadlines... My heart rate is cranking up just

writing these down!

Make your own list of stress trigger points or hot spots. Be

specific. Is it only presentations to a certain audience that get you

worked up? Does one assignment cause more stress than another?

Did you drink too much coffee?

Knowing what causes your stress is powerful information, as you

can take action to make it less stressful. Do you need to learn

some new skills? Do you need extra resources? Do you need to

switch to juices in stead of coffee?

10. Eat, drink, sleep and be merry! Lack of sleep, poor diet and no

exercise wreaks havoc on our body and mind. Kind of obvious,

but worth mentioning as it’s often ignored as a stress management


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technique. Listen to your mother and don’t burn the candle at both

ends!

Do eat a healthy diet. Nutrition and stress are related. The greater

the stress you're facing, the more good nutrition you need.

Skipping meals, eating

junk foods, having

excessive caffeine

(coffee) can actually

contribute to stress by

making you feel worse.

Poor eating habits lead to

blood sugar issues,

lowered immune system,

and that ‘drained’ feeling. Eat healthy snacks of fresh fruits and

vegetables along with healthy meals and a balanced nutritional

supplement. You'll feel more energized and you will help yourself


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have the stamina to fight back at all the stress you encounter

during your day.

Now this must be something very important for most of us: Get

enough sleep!

Something as simple as getting to bed at a decent hour is a great

start. Recognize how much sleep you need to function well. Stress

can cause a lack of sleep. Relax for a while before going to bed.

Coffee and tea before bed are among the most common causes of

insomnia.

Avoid using artificial means to dealing with your stress. That

means don’t automatically light up a cigarette or don’t revert to

sedative pills.

11. Go outside and enjoy Nature. A little sunshine and activity

can have amazing ramifications on your stress level and will

enhance your entire outlook towards life. Your improved attitude

will have a positive effect on everyone in your family and/or

circle of friends; things which seem overwhelming will soon


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become trivial

matters, causing you

to wonder what the

predicament was.

Not only will you be

less stressed, you

will be healthier, happier, and more energetic; ready to face

whatever obstacles come your way.

12. Give yourself permission to be a 'kid' again. What did you

enjoy when you were a child? Play with play- dough, or read. Just

relax and enjoy yourself. We all have a little child in us and it's a

good idea to allow expression of the child within from time to

time.

Anything that you enjoy doing and it’s not a part of your daily

routine is your hobby. Hobbies give you a break from your hectic

life and give you the opportunity to do what you really enjoy


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doing. They are fantastic stress reducers because when you do

something you really love, you will feel happy, calm and relaxed.

13. Ah! One more. Again this one is something very important:

do not set unrealistic goals for yourself. Many of us set ourselves

up for defeat simply by setting unrealistic goals for ourselves. For

example, if you are dieting, realize you cannot lose 40 pounds in

one or two months. Or maybe you are trying to reach a goal of

obtaining a particular job position; whatever your goal is allow

sufficient time to reach your goals and realize occasional setbacks

may occur.

If you reach your goal without any delays, you will be even

happier with yourself for arriving quicker than you planned, but

don't expect it. In fact don't expect anything; expectations and

reality are often two entirely different things.

14. Make time for yourself, your number one priority; once your

own needs are met you will find you have more time for others.


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And you may find more pleasure in helping others when you don't

feel that you must always put others needs before your own.

Hey, we’re not done yet! There are so many great ways to combat

stress and anxiety. You deserve to get all the information you can.

After all, that’s really why you’re reading this article, isn’t it?

Here’s some more stress busters. Let’s give them a rapid glance.

15. TAKE A BREAK: So often, we know inside ourselves that

we need a break. That break might be a full-fledged vacation or a

weekend get-away. Either way, getting out of the daily grind can

be amazingly

liberating and

a huge way to

get rid of

stress and

anxiety.


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Do something fun. Laugh. It's amazing how a brisk 10-minute

walk clears your head and gives you a fresh outlook. A 10-minute

nap has been associated with increased energy, motivation,

alertness, and concentration. Taking a break is not being lazy!

You're refreshing your mind. You're relieving stress. Enjoy a

good break every couple hours.

Unfortunately, many people think they can’t take the time to get

away. This is toxic thinking. Get out and get away! How many

times have you continued working, knowing that you are not

giving 100% to the task at hand? How many times have you read

or written the same sentence over and over again, as your mind

keeps wandering and thinking about other things? It’s time for a

break!

Why do we not allow ourselves the time to take a ‘time out’?

Perhaps we feel like we don’t deserve it or that there’s just too

much to be done. There are many genuine reasons for needing to


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complete jobs and tasks; however we may also on occasion have

‘hidden agendas’ as to why we cannot stop for a break. Why?

It could be ego. Some people simply enjoy boasting about, ‘how

late they had to work in order to complete a project’ or ‘how

much effort they invested in order to complete the job so quickly’.

This type of person is

often looking to

impress others with

their efforts, thereby

increasing their ego in

the process.

Maybe you think you

just can’t take the time off. "I can’t stop; I just have to get this

finished". Does this sound familiar? "I can’t stop because the job

has to be finished, WHY? So I can move straight on to the next

thing, and the next, and the next etc…" This person will find that


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there is always something that has to be done, which will

constantly prevent him/her from taking a break.

GET RID OF THAT THINKING! You can get some amazing

benefits just by taking a little time for yourself! Allowing your

mind and/or body to rest can help re-focus your attention, sharpen

your wits and increase motivation. In addition, taking time out

helps to relieve stress, can aid the recovery of tired muscles and

also promotes the discovery that there is more to life than just

work.

Many athletes will tell you that an important part of their training

routine is rest. Muscles need time to repair after a workout.

Remember that your brain is a type of muscle as well. It needs

time to rest and recuperate in order to perform at its best. By

giving your brain time off, you’ll be able to better concentrate and

give tasks you once found difficult your full attention. They’ll be

easier, believe me!


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So, you’ve decided that a break is in order. Good for you! A

break can be anything from a 10-minute meditation session to a

trip around the world, and anything in-between. I think a break

should be something that takes your mind off of a pre-occupation

with the everyday tedium of life.

So, depending on the time you wish to avail towards relaxing you

may enjoy reading, cooking, playing with the kids, riding a

motorbike or driving, exercising or doing sports, travelling or

simply sleeping!

While you are taking this rest, above all, allow yourself the time

to do it and don’t feel guilty about it. You’ll gain so very much by

this time off, so enjoy the time you are giving yourself.

Life will go on without you and contrary to what your mind might

be telling you, everyone will survive – even when you’re not

there! Let everything go and concentrate on YOU for once instead

of everyone around you!


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If you’re feeling tired, unmotivated or just in need of a rest, don’t

be a martyr or look negatively at this. You may actually find that

in reality, allowing yourself a break will actually help you

ultimately become more efficient and effective in every part of

your life. Plus you’ll get the badly needed recharging of your

‘batteries’ that you need and sorely deserve!

Work can probably be one of the most stressful places to be. You

might think that none of these techniques can help you when

you’re around your co-workers. You couldn’t be more wrong.

16. Think the best. When you expect bad things to happen, you

are programming yourself to feel anxious, actually attracting and

bringing on bad experiences. This can bring out the worst in you

and in others. Choose the opposite. Believe good things are going

to happen. You will attract good things. Of course, bad things

happen to everyone, but keep looking for the good. You usually

find what you look for.


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Set your mind on things that are beautiful, noble, happy. Have a

grateful attitude. In the worst of affairs, there's always something

to be grateful for. Look for that. Say to yourself: "Something

good is going to happen to me!" Expect that to be true!

17. Stop procrastinating!

That means stop putting

off till later what you

need to be doing now.

You know the end result

of procrastination -

feelings of guilt,

inadequacy = increased

stress levels.

Determine why you're

procrastinating. Feeling overwhelmed by a test or an exam or a

presentation? Try doing little bits at a time. Are you avoiding


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something because it's unpleasant? Just do it! Waiting for just the

right time? It usually doesn't come.

Fear of failure? Visualize a good outcome. Feel the need to be

perfect? Set a deadline, do your best, and realize that your 80%

could be someone else’s 100%! You'll always feel better when

you do it and have one less thing on your mind.

18. Get help for life issues that are out of control. When life

stresses are getting to an unhealthy level, seek help, buy a book

on the subject, look it up on the internet, talk to a counsellor, a

religious scholar, ask a sincere friend for help, get professional

help.

A certain amount of stress is normal. An unhealthy stress level

over a period of time takes its toll on your body. How you prepare

for facing stress and how you deal with it is the key. You might

be surprised at how just a couple of life style changes can make

all the difference in your stress level.


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If you’ve learned nothing from reading this article, I hope you

realize and understand that there is NO WAY to completely

eliminate stress from your life. What you can do is to learn how to

make that stress work FOR you.

Stress management isn’t as difficult as it might actually seem.

I don’t want to present myself as medical professional. All I want

to do is give you some tools to implement in your life to help you

better cope with those things that make you overwhelmed and feel

out of control. When we feel like we don’t have enough time to

do the things that need to be done, that creates more stress and

can lead to anxiety which, believe me, you don’t want to have!

Stress management tips are simple, effective methods to

effectively check stress. They can be practiced anywhere and at

any time.

Well, almost!

Understand your limitations and it can relieve stress to a large

extent.


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260 -

Now here I have arranged for you some questions that will help

you gain a better insight into your stress level. Hey, STOP! I have

been telling you time and again not to take this book like some

‘youth magazine’ or a journal. It would be definitely of NO help

if you just glance through these work sheets without actually

taking the time to fill in.

Don’t just read the questions, answer them; don’t just storm

through them, FILL IN!

1. What causes your stress?

List the things that you have found stressful over the past few

weeks:

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

What about chronic stresses? List the biggest causes of stress for

you over the past year or more:

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

What is bothering you the most today?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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2. Symptoms of Stress

How do you know when you are feeling stressed? (Headaches,

frustration, anger, deceased productivity, concentration

problems, memory problems, etc.)

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

What are your early warning signs of stress? What are the first

things you notice when you experience stress?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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What are your chronic symptoms of long-term stress? Are there

any symptoms you have often experienced?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

3. Coping Skills and Habits

How do you usually handle stress? List your usual coping habits.

(e.g. prayer)

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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264 -

How effective are the coping behaviours you have used in the

past? Do they reduce or eliminate the stress?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Which of the coping techniques did you use in the past but are no

longer using?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

4. Changing Situations

Choose one of your stress causes. How can this situation be

changed or improved?

Stressful situation:


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265 -

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

How can this situation be changed or improved?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

5. Developing Effective Coping Strategies

It is important to use a variety of coping strategies to manage

stress that inevitably will occur. By regularly practising coping

strategies, you can stop stress from building up and prevent stress

overload.


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You need to know that not all stressful situations are within our

control, and not every situation can be changed. Effective, healthy

coping skills can allow you to get through difficult times.

List three coping strategies that have worked for you in the past

that you would like to use regularly:

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

List three new coping strategies that you have read in this article

you would like to try:

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________


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When will you use these coping techniques?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

How will these six coping skills you have identified affect your

stress level? What changes will you see as a result of using these

coping strategies?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Now a few last words before we conclude: stress is a normal part

of life. In small quantities, stress is good -- it can motivate you


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and help you be more productive. However, too much stress, or a

strong response to stress, is harmful.

It can set you up for general poor health as well as specific

physical or psychological illnesses like infection, heart disease, or

depression.

Persistent and unrelenting stress often leads to anxiety and

unhealthy behaviours like overeating and smoking or drugs. Just

like causes of stress differ from person to person, what relieves

stress is not the same for everyone. In general, however, making

certain lifestyle changes as well as finding healthy, enjoyable

ways to cope with stress helps most people. I hope that I’ve given

you some nice ways of dealing with the stress that we all feel!

Above all, remember that you are in no way alone in this battle.

There are hundreds of thousands of people out there who feel

overwhelmed and nearly completely out of control. That’s why I

wanted to give you this article. So you can find peace within

yourself and realize that we’re all on this big blue marble for a


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reason. You are too! Enjoy it and live life to its fullest. And when

you feel yourself stressed out, relax, breathe through it, and know

that there are many, many people who know exactly how you

feel.

I like Bobby McFarrin’s philosophy best of all – “Don’t Worry,

Be Happy!”

With these lines of Alfred D. Souza I conclude this article:

For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to

begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in

the way, something to be gotten through first, some

unfinished business, time to still be served, a debt to be

paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that

these obstacles were my life.

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no

way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure


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every moment that you have. And treasure it more

because you shared it with someone special, special

enough to spend your time and remember that time

waits for no one, so stop waiting . . .

until you finish school

until you go back to school

until you lose ten pounds

until you gain ten pounds

until you have kids

until you start work

until you retire

until you get married

until you get divorced

until Friday night


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until Sunday morning

until you get a new car or home

until your car or home is paid off

until spring

until summer

until fall

until winter

until you are off welfare

until the first or fifteenth

until you die

until you are born again

Decide that there is no better time than right now to be

happy.


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Remember:

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.


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273 -

Chapter No. 11


Now here’s again another of our tea-time chapters. Here is a

recipe for joyful living.

G-O S-L-O-W-!


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Never let the brain idle. Keep cheerful friends.

Never abandon an old friend. You will never find one who can take

his place.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a

foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

Keep learning.


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275 -

Chapter No. 12

Keeping Hope Alive;

It’s Time To Say Good-Bye!

Now that we’ve voyaged to the last chapter of this book, I’m

feeling sort of a little sad about it. It was a wonderful time spent

with you. We discussed how life is 10% what comes to us and

90% how we react to it, and how to manage stress and anger, and


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above all, we discussed some meaningful quotes in our ‘tea-time

chapters’. Now we’re gonna conclude our book after elaborating

some never-to-be-forgotten principles.

Now that we’re gonna part, let me say something very meaningful

to you:

No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start

from now and make a brand new ending.

There isn't promise of days without pain, laughter without sorrow,

sun without rain.

Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a bit

but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the

bumps too long. Move on! When you feel down because you

didn't get what you want, just sit tight, and be happy.

There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more

or not to cry too hard.


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277 -

Personal-development stuff is not a once-in-life-time journey.

Things that we learn get tarnished if not repeatedly refreshened.

Here’s a little anecdote from the Seven Habits of Highly Effective

People by Stephen Covey. I’m sure you must have gone through

it somewhere. It very clearly illustrates the significance of

‘sharpening our axes’.

Once upon a time a very strong woodcutter asked for a

job in a timber merchant, and he got it. The pay was

really good and so were the work conditions and for that

reason, the woodcutter was determined to do his best.

His boss gave him an axe and showed him the area where

he was to work and the first day, the woodcutter cut

down 18 trees.

‘’Congratulations,’’ the boss said. ‘’Go on that way!’’


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Very motivated for the boss words, the woodcutter

tried harder the next day, but he only could cut down 15

trees. The third day he tried even harder, but he only

could cut down 10 trees. Day after day he was cutting

less and less trees.

‘’I must be losing my strength,’’ the woodcutter thought.

He went to the boss and apologised, saying that he could

not understand what was going on.

‘’When was the last time you sharpened your axe?’’ the

boss asked.

‘’Sharpen! I had no time to sharpen my axe. I have been

very busy trying to cut down trees . . .’’

Our lives are like that. We sometimes get so busy that we don't

take time to sharpen the 'axe.'


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279 -

In today's world, it seems that everyone is busier than ever, but

less happy than ever. Why is that? Could it be that we have

forgotten how to stay 'sharp'. There's nothing wrong with activity

and hard work. But we should not get so busy that we neglect the

truly important things in life, like our personal life, taking time to

get close to our Creator, giving more time for our family, taking

time to read, etc.

We all need time to relax, to think and meditate, to learn and

grow. If we don't take time to sharpen the 'axe', we will become

dull and lose our effectiveness. So start from today, think about

the ways by which you could do your job more effectively and

add a lot of value to it.

Now we’ve talked much in the preceding chapters of this book,

and I don’t have any more relevant stuff to discuss with you. By

the way at this juncture in our discussion, if you say: Fazal, I’m

quite a busy person, you see, an’ I’m sure I won’t be getting

ample time to go through you book time and again; can you just


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give me one or two pieces of advice that you would like me to

remember always and that would suffice me for all the further

readings, and I would tell you what it took me years and years to

learn. I would give you three pieces of advice that will serve your

purpose of a prosperous living:

The first most important piece of advice: PRAY! For I’ve found

immeasurable power in it. I once heard a man saying: “Raat k do

bje, do ansu, aur do nafl…apki hr mushkil ka hal,” and I do agree

with this statement, for there’s no doubt to it.

And the second: DO NOT REACT IN ANGER! Wounds inflicted

by weapons may heal, but those of a venomous tongue cannot and

will not.

And the third: DO NOT BACKBITE! No matter how hard you

try to disguise your feelings about others, they’ll know what you

think about them deep inside.

And now some words before we actually part:


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When I started writing this book around a year and a half ago, I

chalked out the titles on which I would be talking about with you.

Two of those articles that I compiled but have not included in this

book are ‘Self-Talk; How it Makes or Mars You’, and ‘Writing

Down a Personal Mission Statement’. I went through those

articles time and again and made my levelbest attempt to make

them palatable for you people. But no matter how hard I tried,

they would not seem to be easily digestible to the teens. So,

ultimately, I decided not to include them in this book of mine for

it was no fun making this book a little too lengthy and ‘less

palatable’ to the teens for whom this book is basically oriented.

But those of you who are interested in going through those

articles, just send me an email at [email protected], and I shall

mail you the portable document format (pdf) of those two articles.

Before we conclude, again I say, personal-development stuff is

not a once-in-life-time journey. I sincerely advise you to be on the

mailto:[email protected]


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282 -

look out for this stuff and attempt to make conscious efforts into

bringing these life-changing principles into your life.

Now here’s the last of our tea-time chapters. In it you’ll learn

what people took years and years to learn.

Take care my dear.

My best regards to you and salam in advance.

Fazal-Ur-Rehman

13th

June, 2012.


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Chapter No. 13


I have learned that…


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284 -

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and

wave back.

Age 9

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you

should try cheering someone else up.

Age 13

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly

glad that my parents are strict with me.

Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more

healing than words of advice. Age 24

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one

will believe it.

Age 39


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285 -

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to

show it.

Age 41

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater is their need to cast

blame on others.

Age 45

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your

parents, you miss them terribly when they die.

Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as

making a life.

Age 58

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a

second chance.

Age 62


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I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. However, if you focus on your family, the needs of

others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the best you can, happiness

will find you.

Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually

make the right decision.

Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.

Age 72

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch; holding hands,

a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Age 92

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