Ghost Town Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Ghost Town script is here for all you fans of the Ricky Gervais movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Ghost Town quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Ghost Town Script Hello? Is anybody there?

Hey, honey, what's up?

Slow down. Who are you talking about?

No, I don't know! Sweetheart,I don't have a clue what you're...

An apartment?

No, no! Of course I'm notlooking at an apartment!

Why would I belooking at an apartment?

Wait a sec, wait. I know what this is.

Oldest trick in the book. Yeah.Did a realtor call you? Yeah.

Yeah, realtor calls the wife, says,"Oh, yeah, I spoke to the husband.

"I'm looking at a... "

My card? My business card?I don't know.

That I don't know. I don't knowwhy he has my business card.

Maybe he...

Maybe he or she, then.

Yeah.

Okay, surprise ruined.

No, no, it's all right.

It was gonna be for our anniversary,but I...

Yeah, it's just a little one-bedroomin the West Village,

but you're gonna love it.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Hey, listen, the car never picked me upfor this thing at the Waldorf.

I got to go. I'll see you at home tonight,okay, honey?

I love you, too.

It's okay. Big kiss.

All right, then. Bye-bye.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

You a real estate brokeror a professional fucking idiot?

Babe, I really thinkwe ought to let the super do that.

No, I got it, I got it.Just move that stuff.

No, I did not saymy wife needs to see the apartment.

I said Amber needsto see the apartment. Amber.

Amber sound like the wifeof a man my age to you?

- Careful with my table!- Yeah, picked it up right now.

Okay, just get the cord for me, will you?

Okay, all right. I got it, baby.What do you want me to do with it?

Just keep it out of my way.

Well, it's not exactly a love nest

if my wife's there picking outthe goddamned curtains, is it?

Careful, just get the window,get the window.

- Okay?- Ready?

Yeah, just pull it down, and inside.

No, I'm telling you right now,stop talking.

Because I'm thinking.

No, I'm thinking! I don't...You know what? Just kill it.

No, kill it. Kill the whole thing.

- There, good.- See? DIY. "Do It Yourself. "

Oh, no!

Call me over the weekend.Leave a message on the home machine

saying the seller'shad a change of heart,

and that the whole thing's...

- Oh, my God!... dead.

You are not gonna believewhat almost just happened!

- Did you see that?- Someone call 911!

- Oh, my God, is he dead?- He ain't happy.

What?

You cannot be serious!

Not now.

Okay, go ahead and spit.

So, anyway, the very first scenejust takes your breath away.

You have to remind yourself thatyou're in the theater watching a play.

My five-year-old, Alex, just adored it.

He wanted his father to see it with us.

That's better.

Anyway, I think he really,really enjoyed the costumes...

Dr. Pincus? Hi.

I'm gonna needthe panoramic X-ray machine

for most of the morning tomorrow,

so if that fits inwith your appointments...

Fine.I've cleared my schedule for tomorrow.

Really?

I hear it's supposed to be a lovely day.

And?

No, I just thought that maybeyou were taking the day off to go and...

Right. Sorry to bother you.

You know, we brought some cake.

Mrs. Prashar and Ijust had our baby, so...

Yeah, it's a girl,

and we're having a little cakeand I brought some pictures, so, if you...

That'd be delightful.

Start without me.

Great, great. Okay, so...

What a cute baby. She is so cute.

- Yeah, she really is.- How long was the labor?

- Ten hours.- Ten hours?

- Yeah.- Oh, my God.

- That seems like a really long time.- No, not really.

- It's not?- Not really.

- See, that's, like, too long.- It's so worth it.

I'll just get a cat, you know?

Like, 10 hours is a long timeto get something, you know?

- Look at that.

- So cute.

Stop global warming?

Yeah, just a tiny...It might take a little jiggle.

Good evening, Doctor.

You know what? Let me just open it.

Hey! Can you hold the elevator?Please?

- Yeah. Holding.- Thank you.

- Sorry!- Wait, hold. Hey! Hey!

Good. Still some more.

Come on, come on, come on,

make it, make it, make it,make it, make it, make it.

Paging Dr. Michael,Dr. Michael to Pediatrics, please.

- Charts come back up, yet?- They're there.

I appreciate it.

- Spell it.- P-I-N-C-U-S.

- Date of birth?- Why?

What day were you born?

No, I understood the question.Why do you need to know that?

Let's leave it blank. Weight?

- Last night or this morning?- You pick.

Hundred and eighty-two pounds.

Number of alcoholic beveragesconsumed per week?

- Why do you need to know that?- Well, they want to know.

Well, I'm sure"they" want to know a lot of things,

but I don't want my intimate details

auctioned off to the highest bidder,willy-nilly.

I'll put zero.

- Marital status?- Pass.

- Profession?- Irrelevant.

- Food allergies?- I'm not gonna be eating here.

- Are you allergic to sticking plaster?- What a ludicrous question.

I'm not answeringany more of these, really.

- Do you smoke?- Stop it.

- Do you wear dentures?- Madame, listen.

- When was the last time you ate?- A pertinent question at last.

Yesterday, lunchtime.Thanks for asking.

I had a tuna sandwich.Toast was soggy, but...

- Did you drink the laxative solution?- Yes.

Did it work?

It was as advertised.

Did you evacuate your bowels?

I drank copious amountsof drain-cleaning fluid.

What followed was fait accompli.

Sir, what I'm asking is if you were...

I shat. Okay? Good. Again and again.

It was like a terrorist attack down therein the darkness and the chaos,

the running and the screaming, okay?

- Fine with me.- Good.

Gross invasion of my privacy, this.

Wait till they get you in the back.

- Good morning, Dr. Pincus.- Hi.

Don't anticipate any difficulties today.

We'll have you upand on your feet in no time.

- Okay.- Quick question.

I notice you requesteda general anesthetic.

It's not really typicalfor this type of procedure.

- It's not necessary and we normally...- Sorry.

I have no intention of being aroundwhen they go where they're going.

When does the surgeon arrive?

I'm the surgeon.

- Really?- Yeah.

- Why do you look that tan?- Thanks for noticing.

I got a spray tanon my way to work today.

- Looks natural.- Yes. It's better for you.

It's moisturizingand it doesn't cause UV damage, so...

Yeah.

It has an odd smell.

I can't quite place it.

- I don't know if...- No, I don't want to smell your fake tan!

- What are you...- It's like dirt.

But like a garden dirt, like a good dirt.Not like a garbage dirt.

- You gonna go darker?- I think I am. I think I'd like to go darker.

It's really gonna make my eyes pop.

You could get your teeth whitenedlike I did.

- Yeah, that makes a difference.- Very nice.

Yeah, I don't like having traysin my mouth and my teeth are small.

Sorry, you babbling idiots.

Can we talk about my bowels?Wouldn't that be a good idea?

Looks like the sodium thiopental'sreally kicking in, huh?

- Makes people say crazy things.- I haven't given it to him yet.

- Going in now.- How old are you?

So are you here on a school field trip?

Not a real people person are you,Dr. Pincus?

Not really. Given a choice betweena few people and loads of people,

I choose my cat. She hunts dwarves.

She takes them up the tree.They're still alive.

You can see their little legs going.

Sounds like Norah Joneswhen she plays the piano.

Wow, you must be excitedto get home and see your cat.

What cat?

I thought yesterdayyou said you had a cat.

I despise cats. What sort of menwaste their affection on a cat? Pathetic.

I had a cat once, when I was a little girl.

My father, right before he died,he took me to the shelter and he said,

"Debra, take a lookat all these lonely cats... "

What a wonderful manhe must have been.

Now, listen.

All those people in my room last night,

I thought I was dreaming at first,but I wasn't.

Who were they?

- I don't know anything about that.- Right.

- Here you go. Clean bill of health.- All right, thank you.

Come back soon!

What a terrible thing to sayin a hospital.

Nice.

Fine example for healthcare workers.

Still, I supposesmoking serves a purpose.

- Thins the herd. Weeds out the stupid.- Are you speaking to me?

Yeah, but I was having a go at them,not you.

Oh, good.

I picked one that should bein a straightjacket. My mistake.

Show it some attention,it follows you home. Unbelievable.

Sorry!

Did he see you, too?

- He can see us!- Who?

That guy?

Hey, why don't you open your eyes?

Hey!

Hey, mister!

Please, just hold up!

- Idiot. Get out of the road.- Wait! Hey!

- Listen, I just need two minutes...- Look out!

...of your time!

You can see me, huh?

And you're not like us.

I know you're not, because back there,that cab almost hit you!

And he honked at you,and he yelled at you!

I don't feel well. Why on earth...

Hey!

Officer, there's loony weirdoes.

I don't know why they're here.I'm a dentist.

- Hey, man, you can see me.- Oh, good.

Hey, come back here!I wanna talk to you!

Hey, don't be scared! I'm a cop!

- He can see us?

- Who? That guy?

...from the moment I left the hospital.

- What kind of side effects?- Hallucinations.

- Okay, visual or aural?- Both.

And really vivid, really realistic, weird.I mean, that's not normal.

Well, you know.What's normal, you know? Really.

Not having hallucinations,I'd have thought.

Did anything unusual happenduring my procedure?

- Did any...- Did any what...

- Sorry, but did anything...- Where?

- Why do you just keep talking while...- I didn't hear what...

- Why do you keep interrupting me?- No, well...

- Did anything unusual happen...- You kind of interrupted me a little bit.

- Just answer the...- Just.

- Did anything unusual happen?- Where?

What do you mean, where?That's not a proper... Yes or no?

Did anything unusual happenduring my procedure?

- Yeah.- What?

- No.- You said "yes" first.

"No" is what I ended with."Yes, no" means no.

Did anything unusual happenduring my procedure?

- And if so...- Can you hold on one...

Can you hold on a second?

Yeah, it's me.

Can you stop what you're doingand come down here right away?

It's that thing that we talked about.

Yeah, well, you told me to call youif it came back, and it came back, so...

Okay.

What was that? What's the thing?You told someone the thing came back.

I have a rash on my back.It came back, so I had to call my doctor.

You... Miss!

- Yes?- Me!

- What the... What?- Can you...

- Can I... Yes.- Follow you?

- To the...- To my office.

- And then you'll tell me.- Yeah.

What?

Did anything unusual... What?

Jesus Christ! Sorry, I wasn't...

We have a meeting in a couple minutes,so we just have to be quick.

Did anything unusual happenduring my procedure? What's he...

Can you please define "unusual"?

Out of the ordinary,bizarre, unanticipated.

No, this went well.

- It was good. Okay, normal.- Right.

Yes, good. Well, the cessation maybe,

- but after that, you responded...- The cessation of what?

Dr. Pincus, I really...I don't need to tell you that

every medical proceduredoesn't follow the same path.

- Everyone's different.- Yeah.

There are subtle variationsin even the simplest surgical...

What would a subtle variation be

in my case, for example?

- Well, one doesn't wish to use jargon.- No.

- But, you know, technically...- Yep.

...medically, it's beginning...

Okay. Yeah.

- You died.- I died?

- Little bit.- For how long?

- Seven minutes.- A bit less.

I died for seven minutes.

- A bit less.- Approximately seven...

That's really the only thingthat I can think of...

How did I die?

For the record, we did not recommendthat you use the general anesthesia.

When you use anesthesia,

there is a chance, although it is small,

of a biochemical anomaly.

Where's the anesthesiologist?I want to see him now.

He does not work here anymore.

You'll be happy to knowthat at Saint Victor's,

we have a very strictthree-strikes policy.

My anesthesiologist had two strikes?

Okay, let's all calm down.

Let's just not overdramatizethe situation.

Why is he calming down?

Everybody dies.

Yeah, but usually at the end of their life,and just the once and forever.

Everybody's different.

And you weren't even gonna tell me.

- No, we did tell you. We told you...

- No, you didn't.

We told you that night.We gave you the full report.

- No, I don't remember that.- Yes. Yeah, we...

It says here that you gurgled to me

before you rolled your eyes backin your head, a little bit.

Have you any ideahow much I'm gonna sue you for?

- Nothing, I'm afraid.- He's perked up. Go on.

You signed a general releaseand a quitclaim form,

relieving your surgeon,your anesthesiologist,

Saint Victor's Hospital and CooperativeInstitutional Health Partners

from any liability related

to your anesthetic-induced cessationof heart function.

I definitely did not.

- Is this your signature at the bottom?- When did I sign that?

Right after you passedthe post-operative responsiveness test,

legally mandatedby the state of New York.

Obviously I didn't knowwhat I was doing!

You knew enough to sign your name.

I dotted the "i" with a little love heart!

You were happy to be alive, right?

Now, about these hallucinations.What are you seeing?

People.

Hey, got a sec?

Never get used to that.You're the guy, huh?

No. I'm not the guy.It's another guy. Go away.

Real quick, got to hit you up for a favor.

No, no, no, no.No, he's still there. Unbelievable.

- Thank you!- Good, excellent. Thank you!

Hey. Wait a minute. Wait, what?

- Drive!- No, no, no.

- Where to, buddy?- Don't do that!

You're a busy little guy.Let me get right to the point.

That woman whose cabyou just snaked, that's my wife.

- That's perfect.- My widow.

She's got a very serious problem.I need your help to fix it.

- Where do you want to go, pal?- Tell him 54th and Madison.

I don't want to go to 54th and Madison!

Okay, that narrows it down.

I don't want a Sapphire martiniup with olives.

Okay, that narrows it down.

Yeah, you're making kind of a foolout of yourself.

You can't talk to mewhen somebody's standing there.

- Campari and soda.- Campari soda.

No.

- Pimm's Cup.- Pimm's Cup.

Pimm's Cup? Pimm's?

- Just get a real drink.- Shut the fuck up!

Okay! Sorry.

Can I have the first thing I said?

Sapphire martini up with olives.

- Shut up.- Wow. You need to adjust, right?

No, it's okay, it's okay.

It's okay.You need a little time to adjust. I get it.

I haven't done jack in 14 months.

- I've been here, believe me, I can wait...- I died today!

What do you mean?

- I was dead. For seven minutes.- Yeah?

And then when they brought me back,I can...

Yeah, well, look, that's the thing.New York is lousy with ghosts.

I mean, they're everywhere,

and they're a noisy,pushy, demanding bunch,

same as when they were alive,and frustrated, too.

The dead havea lot of unfinished business,

which is why we're still here.

And normally, we can't talk to the living

and, suddenly, you come along,and you can imagine.

A lot of excitement.

Why are you dressed like that?Were you a maÏïtre d'?

- I'm gonna ignore that, okay?- You shouldn't.

You wear what you died in.At least I look nice.

- Sapphire martini up with olives.- Thank you.

- Drink your drink.- I'm gonna drink my drink.

- All right.- Just shut up.

Aesthetically pleasing.

Am I still dead? I'm still dead, aren't I?

This is heaven.Can't be heaven, you wouldn't be here.

I'm lying on the operating table,they're gonna bring me around, and...

It's all gonna be a dream.

Yeah. Don't overthink it.You were gone, now you're back.

Have a drink. Have another one.

God knows I would if I could.

- You can take your BlackBerry with you?- I guess.

What, have you got a signal?

- Not yet, but I keep trying.- Not yet.

Thank goodnessI downloaded Tetris before I went.

Damn it! How'd you die?

Something went wrongwith the anesthetic.

I went in for a colonoscopyand it went all...

Yeah, I never got one of those.

I don't thinkyou have to worry about it now.

- What kind of anesthetic did they use?- They didn't want to use any.

- What?- Yeah.

- Yeah?- Yeah.

- Expected me...- What about your ass feelings?

Don't actually say "ass feelings. "I knew what you meant with that.

- If we're gonna be hanging out, I just...- We're not gonna be hanging out!

May I ask you a question, young man?

It's about my daughter.She lives in Far Rockaway.

- She won't speak to her sister...- Back off, Marjorie!

All right? I'm talking to him.Whatever you do, don't talk to them.

I certainly see no harmin making a request of the young man.

How about the factthat I found him first?

Look what you did. You upset him.No, no, you, you, you, you, you.

Yeah, very good. I know you're there.

Let's start over, huh? Come on.

You had a rough day.You're tense, you're keyed up.

You do yoga? You do yoga?

My girlfriend's got a studio.I'll show you where it is.

Girlfriend?I thought you said you were married.

Did I say I was a perfect person?

- Come on, let's hail a cab. She's hot.- You don't exist, okay?

You're the bizarre aftereffectsof some poorly-administered anesthetic.

I'm gonna go home to bed,and when I wake up in the morning,

with any luck, you'll be gone.

That would be truly rotten luckfor my wife

who just needs a little bit of your help.

- If you would come through for me...- I'm not listening anymore.

Hey, I don't want to play hardballwith you, but I will if I have to.

- It's Pink-Ass, right?- Pincus.

Pincus? Pincus?This is a matter of life or death.

- It's my wife, okay? She lives right...- Widow.

She lives right here in this building,all right?

She's getting marriedin a couple of months

to a real scumbag lawyer,a bad, bad guy.

Somebody's got to stop this.

What do you care?You were having an affair.

Never been married, right? Okay.You need time.

- It's all right, I can take a hint.- It's not a hint.

- Good evening, Dr. Pincus.- Just go to hell.

- What?- Is this a bad time?

My letter went under the carpet.

He lost something important,

and I know where it is.

She won't wear a helmetbecause of me, but that's nuts!

Gee, I'm sorry, Doctor,

did I accidentally give everybodyyour home address?

If you don't help her, she won't...

I got to tell you, nobody wasmore excited than Naked Guy. He's...

Leave me alone.

- Dr. Pincus?- Back off!

- Sorry?- Oh, sorry. Never mind.

- Bless you.- Oh, God. Thank you.

- Bless you.- Thank you.

- Bless you.- Stop it.

If I sneeze again, I'll assume...Thank you. Just...

I'm not very well. It's not you.It's a bit you.

Mainly... You can't... But you're adding.

Don't you see, Pincus,there's a reason I'm here and this is it.

I mean, this slimeball, he's using Gwen,trying to get his hands on her money.

I left her a good chunk of change,you know.

- My head. It's throbbing.- I'm like her guardian angel.

You can bethe guardian angel's assistant.

- Pass.- What?

You don't want to help meearn my wings?

I don't care.

- You don't want to at least help Gwen?- She's beyond help, okay?

She chose you, didn't she?

And now she's got a new slimeball,and if that doesn't work out,

I'm sure another Mr. Wrongwill come along,

'cause that seems to be her thing.

Now, leave me alone.

I've got a crown at 8:00 a. m.

I see! I understand, I get it.

- What? What do you get?- You. Just this whole self-loathing thing.

- No, it's you I loathe.- Oh, please.

Frankie spent some time on the couch.

You know, dentists haveone of the highest suicide rates

of any other profession.

But this might really give you a chance

- to connect with another human being...- Shut up. Shut up!

Okay? Don't you understand?I don't give a shit! I like what I do.

Do you know why? It suits me.

Because 90%% % of the peopleI come into contact with

have cotton woolshoved in their mouths.

I'm not interestedin their political opinions.

I don't carewhat they thought of Spamalot.

I don't care about their lives.I just like the quiet!

You are a sad little man.

- And you're a lying, bigamist corpse.- No, no, I'm not a bigamist.

I'm an adulterer.It's a whole different thing.

Sorry, my mistake.You were a real catch.

Come on. You don't thinkI'm gonna find you in a hotel?

This is crazy, all right?

You want your quiet life back?I'll make you a deal. Okay?

I'll talk to them for you,

get them to leave you alone.

I'm good at talking people into things.It's what I do.

Did.

Look, you do this one thing for me,

you'll never see any of usever again, okay?

Problem solved.

Yeah, okay.

The mummy's been examinedby virologists,

oncologists, forensic pathologists,

searching for signs of foul play,

but Pepi the Third's cause of deathat the relatively young age of still remains a mystery.

It can't be that hardto break up a relationship.

I used to screwthese things up all the time.

Maybe we ought to just hire a broad to

seduce him and videotape it, you know?

That woman lives in my building?

Or we send her an anonymous letterfrom his other family.

- I've never seen her before.- One of those things?

- You stole her cab, remember?- I've never noticed her, then.

Never noticed her?Open your eyes, man.

What are you, a brain in a jar?

Okay.I want to hear what she's got to say.

- Really?- Yes.

And the grand manner in whichMummy 1999.1.4 was preserved

also suggests that he was embalmedby royal mummifiers,

as opposed tocurbside-marketplace perverts...

Preservists.

That's awkward.

I supposethe simplest way to break it up

would be to plant a seed of doubtin her mind.

- Give her another option.- I don't get it.

- Present her with an alternative.- Yeah, yeah, I thought of that.

You mean hirea good-looking male model...

Don't hire anyone. Don't...No, don't need...

- Don't need a male model or a fireman.- Somebody handsome, right?

Not too handsome. Not chiseled,just approachable. Sort of...

'Cause I was thinking, like,rugged and somebody tough.

...round-faced, if anything and sensitive.

Well, he's gonna have to havea lot of cash, though.

If he's sensible with his money,

he's probably invested well,and that would be attractive.

- Really?- Yeah.

- She might like that.- Yeah.

But he's gonna have to be tall.Tall is important.

No, no, no, no, no, he's not.No, no. Average.

- Really?- Yeah. Bordering on the short.

Oh, my word, you mean you.

- I'm... Hey! Hey! Hey!- Forget it.

Don't walk away mad!Come here! Pink-Ass!

I would like to elaborate further onMummy 1999.1.4's burial site. Here...

- I'm sorry.- Forget it.

That's okay. I mean, a lot of great ideassound completely ridiculous at first.

Sorry I even brought it up.

I'm still thinking about it.You know, it might work.

I mean, all you're gonna have to dois be charming enough

to give her a few second thoughts,you know?

Be a challenge.

Almost impossible.

But I'd be there, you know?Pulling the strings.

Guy in the bushes calling the plays.You know, I think I can do it.

- Really. I can do this. I can do it.- Forget it.

No, no, no, you're not...You're not married, are you?

- Good God, no.- No? You got a girlfriend?

No, just between us, currently.

- So you use hookers.- No, I don't use hookers.

We've also conductedextensive CT scans

to search for orthopedic trauma,which may have led to infection,

as you may remember was the casewith Tutankhamen

as shown here on slide 43.

Nope, nope, you know what?

It's possiblethat she could actually go for you.

I mean, she likes athletic guys.I mean, you work out or...

- Yeah?- Yeah.

- Twice a week. Free weights.- Okay. All right.

- You got a nice, thick head of hair.- Protein shampoo.

- She's gonna like that.- Yeah.

- Look after your scalp.- Right.

All we got to do is find a wayto get you two together, you know?

At her apartment, you show up asthe cable guy or innocent pizza boy or...

- You watch a lot of porn, don't you?- No.

I was inclined to regard this injuryas the result of attempts by plunderers

to hastily removethe wrappings from the mummy.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go over therewhen she's finished,

and strike up a conversation with her.

- Yeah.- I know.

- What?- I don't know.

I'm just thinking,in the smock, better not.

- Yes. I came straight from work.- Okay.

- I'm a dentist. This is what we wear.- Yeah. Yeah.

- This is how we do it, baby.- Okay.

And remember that the show officiallyopens on Friday, the 12th.

Thank you,thank you very much for coming.

You know, it's an interesting story.My daughter went to Egypt.

- Oh, really? Did she?- Oh, yeah.

Good, all right.

I owe you an apology.

Do you mean for stealing my cabor for not holding the elevator?

- Don't remember the second one.- Oh, no, no. I know.

Maybe it was for that time that

you told the super thatsomebody down on nine was cooking

stenchy ethnic foodthat stings the eyes?

- Was that you?- It was tacos.

They told me that any complaintswould be kept anonymous.

Or, you know, maybe it was forthe eight or ten times that I said,

"Hello," or "Good morning" or whatever,and you never even looked at me.

I'm a very private person.

What you are is a little bit of a jerk.

- Bertram Pincus, D.D.S.- So I've read.

- I enjoyed your lecture very much.- Thank you.

- Don't take the walk-outs personally.- I hadn't noticed.

But, you know,thank you for that encouragement.

Quite a few, quite a few.What do they know?

- Atrocious dental hygiene.- I'm sorry?

Your mummy. 1999.1.4.

He was no flosser.

Dental humor.

Is there something else?

Shoes. Your shoes are comfortable.

Bye.

I knew you were gonna come off scary.

I wasn't scary.I caught her at a bad time.

- Right, and it scared her.- I'm not scary!

Don't make eye contact.

Let me... No, no, no.Let me preface this.

- What the hell is your problem?- I don't have a problem.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.- No, no.

You got a big problem.Big problem with women.

No, I take it back.You got a problem with people.

- Yeah, they suck.

- Would you quit banging that drum?

What's the drama? Some big, bad ladywent and broke your heart?

Well, get over it. It's in the past.

You know nothing about my past,do you?

I know you got to forget about thisand let it go.

It's not helping you out there.

Listen, the thing with womenis that they...

I do fine with women.Thanks very much.

You know, for the sake of time,I'm gonna agree with that insane point,

and say, "Yeah, you do greatwith women. You do great. "

But you stink with this one.So we got work to do.

And she likes a man who's a man.

She likes you to order for herin a restaurant. And don't get bossy!

Don't ever tell herto take it easy, Pincus.

- This will make her absolutely nuts.- Yeah.

I do know how to talk to people.

Oh, yeah.Yeah, you got a gift, don't you? Yeah.

Once you're with her,you got to show her you care.

You got to be jealous,got to be suspicious.

Why on earth would I do that?

'Cause it shows you're interested.

This is the worst adviceI've ever had in my life.

But she's jealous, too,and she's no dummy.

She thinks you're lying, she'll raiseone eyebrow and cock her head.

I call it her pirate look.Rattles the hell out of you.

- Hi.- I'm gonna get the next one.

Don't be silly. Get in here.

I don't want to... Okay.

Pincus.

Okay, just don't say anything.No, no, no, no, no, you're not ready.

You're not ready.Just ride in silence, okay?

Don't do this. And get that face off.You're not... Don't do it!

I've been thinkingabout your decaying jawbone.

Pitting is what I'm talking.

Saw it on the slideshow,

which would indicate to me,a trained dentist, some bone loss,

and on the upper leftmandibular gum line.

The mummy.

Open invitation to a little vitiscalled "Gingi. "

Gingivitis?

More dental humor.This time bone-based, but essentially...

Check out the mandibular bone loss,if I...

But wouldn't that just beordinary wear and tear?

Not if it's only on one side, you idiot.

I don't think so.

How do the ladies resistthat rap of yours?

All right, all right. Not a total disaster.

Next time, you just got to listento what it is that I'm saying.

Excuse me?

Do you think maybe you could come bysomeday and maybe examine him?

Let's have a look, shall we?

- Okay.- Okay.

No, today's out, tomorrow is out. That.

Cannot move that. Cannot move that.That is set in stone.

And that little puppyis hunkered in good.

Hunkerty, dunkerty, dock.

I don't want to move that,but I can't do that, either.

Busy bee.

- It's okay.- It seems to me, I think, commitments

abound.

Pack 'em in, move 'em out, Rawhide.No way is that gonna...

- For the love of God!- 4:00 Thursday seems totally free, so...

- Great. Okay.- Good. See you then.

Way to go, Frank. Oh, God.

Oh, thank God you're back.

You left the newspaperon a cell phone ad, you sadist!

- I'm sorry.

- No, forget it.

I'm not in the mood anymore.

Where have you been?

I sit around here all day long,and you're out God knows where.

You meet interesting people.You have a career.

Hey, is that a new shirt?

Hey, it is a new shirt,and it's got sleeves.

Well, well, well. Pinky's got himselfa brand new shirt for the big...

Hi. Hi.

Yeah, it's my yacht, yeah.

Quite the little heartbreaker, huh?

You should have seen the statehe was in when we found him.

Blackened skin, multiple fracturesfrom extensive marauding,

fully retreated lips.

Five thousand years of acid refluxwill do that to you.

Deep down, you know, the preservationwas exquisite New Kingdom work,

and it's what's underneath that counts.

First, they suctioned his brain outthrough his nose.

And then they make a slitin the side of the abdomen,

so that they can removethe stomach, liver, intestines...

Beautiful.

...so that they could be separatelypreserved in Canopic jars.

But what's really exciting about Pepi ishow they handled his organ.

- His organ?- Yeah, his dick.

I got it right here. You wanna see it?

Please.

There's nothing unusualabout the phallus itself.

- Sure.- It's the way it was stored.

You know, normally, the penisand the heart are kept together

and mummified along with the body,

but in Pepi's case,

they removed it and preserved itin this separate gold-encrusted jar.

God. I can see why he was king.

- You okay?- Yeah.

I've got to get used to looking downat a shriveled, old penis, eventually.

Oh, geez. I see he died happy.

That's it. That's enough.

He must have had huge hands.

- No, no.- Yeah.

Is this here the pittingthat you were referring to?

Yeah.Here, here, and look, really bad there.

We just assumedthat was post-mortal decay.

Don't be naive.

That is the workof an untreated abscess.

That was a absolute magic carpetof bacterial infection.

And that could have killed him?

Yeah, if it was severe, that wouldhave led to something more systemic,

and as soon as the infectionhit the spinal column,

he'd have pennies on his eyesin no time at all.

Well, the mouth. A coin in the mouth.

It was a Greek tradition, you know,

to pay the boatman to ferry you acrossthe River Styx, but...

I mean,this is an amazing breakthrough,

and just in timefor our opening next Thursday.

- Hey, will you come?- What?

- Big opening with loads of people...- Yeah.

- No. That's...- You don't like crowds?

It's not so much the crowd asthe individuals in the crowd I don't like.

Well, if you change your mind,you let me know.

Just seems so obvious now.Why didn't I call a dentist sooner?

Everybody waits until it's too late.

So you're a funny dentist.

You wanna touch him?

- This is my lucky day.- Yeah.

- No, no. Really, really touch him. Yeah.- More, yeah.

- No, like...- Down there.

- Isn't that amazing?

- Wow. Brilliant.

Don't you just love that smell?

It's not decay. It's the resin. It's pine.

- They imported it from North Africa.- Oh, good.

After a couple of hours,the smell that was initially so sweet,

it triggers your vomit impulse.

Like visiting your grandmother.

Sugar-free treat?

Sure. Okay.

It's sweetened with Splenda.

Surprisingly delightful.

- Have you lived in the building long?- Four years and one month.

Originally born and raised in England,obviously, and then...

- Why'd you move?- London. Just too much.

Overcrowded, just no privacy.

Just too many people.

So you picked Manhattan?

The reasoning is a little bit convoluted.It's difficult to explain.

- What's her name?- Sarah.

- Wife?- No.

- Girlfriend?- Yeah.

Still together?

Possibly.I haven't spoken to her for years.

No, she died, actually. Quite sad.

She had a rare condition.Have you heard of auto-cannibalism?

She actually ate herself.

I made that up. I was joking.

- But that's not funny.- Funnier than the truth.

- Okay, and the truth about Sarah is...- Very boring and ordinary.

How long you been here?

Can you just hold on one second?

This is so stupid,but my keychain broke,

and I can never find my keys.

I moved back to the city abouta year ago, just after my husband died.

You lost your husband?I'm sorry to hear that.

Thanks.

I want to ask you something,and you tell me if it's inappropriate.

Okay.

Okay.

This tooth.

It kills whenever I drink anything cold.I mean, it's just...

- Should I make an appointment?- No, just warm the drinks up.

Let's have a look.

Head back. Open wide.

You want me to say, "Ah"?

Hey, Dentist!

I need you to clip a guy for me.

- Can you tell what it is?- It's bad molar contact.

You see, Dentist, in life,

I accepted payment for a jobwhich I wasn't able to complete.

Bad molar contact?I mean, is it really very serious?

- You should come and see me.- Should I?

- You have to finish it for me.- Yeah.

There's a.38 snub-nose tapedunder the seat of my mother's Cadillac.

You just give him two in the head.Leave the gun on the floor.

- Maybe I will.- Okay.

- What the...

- Is now a good time?

Is everything okay?

- Yeah, it's just the...- 'Cause you look a little... Oh, geez.

Oh, no, don't... Careful.

Look, right in the ear nearly.

It's just... I saw you talking toIrish Eddie and I figured, you know...

Hi, there. Hey!

Good. Another one.

- Hey, honey.- Oh, hey! I didn't see you.

- Hi.- Oh, alive.

Why did this fellow have his handsin your mouth?

Sorry, Dr. Pincus, this is Richard,my fiancé.

Richard, this is Dr. Pincus,

that dentist that I told you aboutin the building.

I think he's got a really terrific ideaabout what might have killed Pepi.

Really? That's fantastic.

You know, I've been needingto find a dentist, myself.

Why don't you join us for dinnertomorrow night, Doctor? At Gwen's.

I'm making curry.

- She's really cute.- Don't...

- Doctor?- Yes, love to.

- Great.- I'm in 9F, right below you.

Thank you.

- I hope it was edible.- Best curry I've ever tasted.

- Stop complimenting him!- You're too kind.

- Where did you learn to cook?- Idiot Boy, you're making him look good.

I had a friendwho was generous with her time.

Richard's being modest.

He worked for three yearswith homeless prostitutes in Bengal.

You still in the sex trade or...

That's inappropriate.

You know, Doctor,

I confess an ulterior motivein asking you here tonight.

As a dentist,

you could do an awful lot of goodin the developing world.

They're in desperate needof modern dental care.

"Modern dental care. "You believe this guy?

Now, the political will is there,the money's there.

What an act. So pompous!

- Sorry. What is that?- My new puppy.

NGOs are being supported.Record levels.

- I need you to punch him.- But what we really need...

- Come on!... are boots on the ground.

Kick his self-righteous teeth in!

How can teeth be self-righteous?

Is a strange thing for a dentistto burst out with over curry,

but, you know, it needs to be...I mean, I know the answer.

Well, I'll tell you, they can't.

What is essentially dentin and enamel

outcrops from various mandiblesare inanimate,

and therefore, have no moral code.

All they can do is chew and grind,and that's passive.

It's mainlythe cheek muscles do that, from...

What were you saying?

I was... I was... I was saying, we need...

We need people like youwho can bring their expertise to bear

in places like Peru,Cambodia, sub-Saharan Africa.

Mainly those sort of really hot,sticky places.

I mean, I'm just not a humidy person.

I mean, what is the dental care like in,say, I don't know, Palm Springs?

There's breezes.

You know,what are the teeth like in Saint-Tropez?

I mean, I could do veneers.Oh, they love to smile, the French.

Shrugging and smiling.

He's kidding, sweetie.

I'm sorry, I have to take this.

Boy, he'd be handyon a camping trip, huh?

Do you want some more wine?

- That tent pole stuck up his ass.- Please.

Okay.

Well, that is perfectly unacceptable.

- Shut...- What?

What?Am I throwing you off your game?

If I am, just give me a fake coughand I'll...

Okay, was that...

Was that a coincidence?Okay, okay! I'm gone.

Richard's a human rights lawyer,so, well, he takes his job very seriously.

Oh, well, so you shouldwith human rights.

I take human rights seriously.

You know, everybody's equal,color, creed or circumstance.

We're all the same on this planet.

- Except the Chinese.- What?

No, they are. They're the odd ones outif you had to pick one.

No, I'm not having a go.

I'm just saying, you know,not their faces.

I mean... No, no.But they call each other

- things like Kwok...- Stop it. You're gonna...

...and that's their choice,and they don't have to call a kid Kwok.

And they... No.Some people are called Pong...

- Stop, please, stop.... and there's about a million Wangs.

You can have... You have one kid,

you can use all those nameson one little...

You could call a kid Kwok Pong Wang.

Ming Wa Men and Ho Lee Park

have been arrested in Shaolin.

I have to get down to the office.

Well, they're being arraignedin 30 minutes

- and the government will only allow...- Not again.

...their attorneys to appearby closed-circuit.

- I'm sorry.- I'm afraid I have to go.

Doctor, it's been a...

Yeah, so you guys stayand have fun and finish up.

Oh, gosh, poor Leonard.Do you mind if I let him out?

- No, not at all.- Okay, be right back.

When did you get your horse?

A couple of months ago.

I found him at this shelterin Long Island.

They were gonna put him down.

Then they lost their nerve, did they?

The smell? Yeah, I know.

His mood levelers give himthis ulcerating skin rash.

Are you okay?

Got a very sensitive gag reflex.

Oh, dear.And the mixture of that and that.

- Are you all right? Do you want to...- Sorry.

You know what?I think he needs to go out.

Do you want to maybe walk him nowor we could finish up and...

Now is good, yeah.Get some air with some oxygen in it.

Leonard, you good boy!

That is so healthy!

Good, good boy! That's a good boy!

That's a good boy!

You wanna finish dinner?

I don't think I'm quite ready forsolid foods just yet.

- I'll have a drink, though.- Sure.

There's...Bemelmans is just around the corner.

Or, no, have you ever beento that new...

I know, yeah. No, I like Sting

because you can hearhe's educated in his lyrics.

- Pimm's Cup for the lady.- Thank you.

And a Sapphire martini up with olives.

Thank you.

You know,that was Frank's favorite drink.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. Sorry.

You forgot?

You forgot what?

Forgot? Yeah.

You recently lost your husband,

and the polite thing to doin this situation

would have been to checkwhat the deceased's drink was

as not to evoke any horrible memories.

Why would you assumethat they were horrible?

Painful. Not necessarily horrible.

Just all the memories, nonetheless,of drink-related death memory.

I like a Pimm's Cup.

This is exactly the kind of girly drinkthat Frank would have teased me about.

Once when we were in Anguilla,I ordered a Screaming Orgasm.

And then...So Frank goes up to the waiter,

and he grabs himby the lapels and he goes,

"Hey, I'm the only one giving... "

Oh, for God's sake!

Sorry. Just runningon about my dead husband.

No, no, no, it wasn't you. No, no.I've just seen someone I hate. It's...

Oh, that's sweet.They never get over Frankie.

- Someone I really hate.- Well, do you wanna leave?

No, no, no. He should leave.

Let's do some... You were saying thatFrank had his flaws.

- I was?- Yeah, and that's really healthy

because you should notromanticize the dead.

You should remember their faults.

Oh, well, I remember them.

Oh, good. Well, let's make a list.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

This is therapeutic, actually.You can trust me. I'm a dentist.

- Come on, then.- Okay.

His faults. Number one.

Well, Frank could be a little controlling.

Well, that's what made me successful.

But that's probably whyhe was so good at his job, so...

No, no, don't apologize for him.If he was obnoxious, say so.

Okay, he was occasionally obnoxious.

Regularly, I imagine.

- No, no, no, you walked her into that.- "Obnoxious. "

That didn't count, Pincus.

Hey, what are you doing, Marjorie?You rubbernecking?

Oh, be quiet! Let them talk.You could learn something.

He had a shoe fetish.

That is so embarrassing,because it starts on shoes,

and go to glovesand hats and socks, up the...

Right. "Pervert. "

And he was rude to waiters.And I hate that.

- So do I.- You mind?

Because they're just doing a job,aren't they?

What a nasty piece of work.

So what abouthis physical characteristics?

I'll bet he was really into fitness,

because he wasa scrawny little runt, was he?

No, but, you know,he was actually starting

to get into yoga at the end there.

- I'll bet he was.- But he spent a lot of time at the gym.

Yeah. Okay, this is shaping up nicely.

So now we've gota narcissistic, obnoxious pervert

who's rude to waiters.

It's a good list.

I don't have to listen to this shit.

Disloyal.

Yeah, I think that's enough.

I didn't know you knew.

I didn't find out until the day he died.Can you imagine?

I didn't get the chance to say,"Hey, go to hell,"

you know, "I want a divorce,"like a normal person.

Well, I'm sorry. I...

- That must feel...- Unfinished.

She used to travela lot for her work, Sarah.

And the trips got longer and longer.

And then one trip,she didn't come back at all.

Married a man in Portland.

Sorry.

Travel will do that to a relationship.

Yep.

I just got this amazing offerto go map tombs

in the Valley of the Kings for six months.

But I think I'm gonna say no this time.

Because of Richard.

Yeah.

- Good night.- Good night.

Your story, it's not boringand ordinary, by the way.

I mean, we just get the one life,

you know?

Just one. You can't live someone else'sor think it's more important,

just because it's more dramatic.

What happens matters.

Maybe only to us, but it matters.

Good night.

Good night.

What?

What's with the doom and gloom?It's going good.

You're weaseling your wayright in there.

This is gonna work.

This Richard fellow, I just...I think Gwen really loves him.

You know he's a human rights lawyer.

Hey, when the devil shows up,

you think he's gonna havelittle red horns and carry a pitchfork?

No, he's gonna work forAmnesty International,

and he's gonna giveall of his money to the homeless.

Well, if he did all that,wouldn't he lose the title "the devil"?

You know what I mean.

Pincus, I got better thingsto do with my time.

I wouldn't just be hanging out here.

What, exactly,is your problem with Richard?

I told you!

The guy is setting her upto rob her blind.

And what proof have you got? I don't...

What are you basing this on?

I saw things with my own two eyes.

- Saw what?- Just enough to know.

Come on. What did he do?

Well, that's... He's...

Okay, all right, fine.They're out at a restaurant, okay?

- Yeah.- And they're eating.

- Yeah.- And the check came,

and this clown saysthat his wallet is in his coat.

It's over at the coat check.

- How convenient, right?- Right.

So he goes over to go get it,

makes a big showabout the whole thing, too,

and she says, "No, no, let me get this. "

- Yeah?- And he accepted.

There's nothingwrong with him, is there?

No, no, don't you see?

He showed his true colors.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, he's a perfectlylovely human being.

Pincus, there are other things!

- He took five grand from her.- He what?

Yeah. $5,000.

I saw her write the checkwith my own two eyes,

put it right in his sweaty little fist.It was...

For charity.He was fundraising, wasn't he?

Or shaking the money tree,see what drops.

- I don't know.- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- What was it, AIDS?- No.

Refugees?

Orphans? Orphans. Good.

- You're missing the point.- Yeah.

- You really are. This guy, he's a lawyer.- Yeah.

A lawyer who fights to protect the rightsof the underprivileged. Come on!

There must besomething wrong with him.

There must be some reasonwhy all this is happening.

Otherwise, what am I doing here?

I'm out.

What? No, no. What do you mean?

I mean, I'm not gonna interferewith Gwen's life anymore.

And I can't lie to her.

You were right about the pirate look.She threw that at me,

and I nearly confessedto everything there and then.

You can't abandon her to this creep.

- She loves him.- She doesn't love him!

I haven't seen her laughonce with this guy!

He's a good man.

You actually like him,with his whole Mother Teresa schtick?

I hate him. Okay?

I want to run him overwith his own little stupid, electric car.

But he's what Gwen wants.

And after whatshe's been through with you,

she deserves a bit of happiness.

You're in love with her.

You are. I knew it.

That little Grinch heart of yoursactually started beating,

and now you want to take it backto your cave and crush it with a rock.

That's what you wanna do.

- I quit.- You can't quit.

I'll make your life a living hell.

It already is.

There you go. That's such a good boy.Such a good boy.

Leonard, Leonard, open, open.

Come on. Come on, sweetie. Come on.

Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.Don't be a jerk. Come on.

God damn it. Come on. Come on.

You don't wanna wait untilit's too late, do you, sweetie?

Wait.

Leonard! It is too late.

Too late.

And so Alex says to me,

"Mommy, I know that babies comefrom inside a lady's tummy,

"but what I really want to know is,how do they get there?"

Can you believe? And, of course,

- I have no clue what to say...- Head back.

...but I have to come up with something,because his father...

Oh, no talking,not when we're popping this in.

- Okay.- Bite down there.

There you go. Good.

Just leave that there.

Isn't that good? So much better.

You're resting your jaw, and I'm restingmy ears and we're all winners.

Can you get these over to the lab?A little rush job.

Mr. Harriman's bridgeis on the verge of...

I thought I was throughfor the day after this.

- You are through.- What about the...

What about what?

- Frank.- Who?

I don't know who you mean.

What are you... Who? I've never...

Okay, my opinion is thatyou didn't make sense just now.

Well, I don't knowwho you're talking about.

Can I have the bathroom key, please?I'm having a bit of a...

- No, no, he'll run.- That's him!

- Dentist, don't piss me off!- Thank you.

He's not in the office!

Well, then he must be upstairs.

Good afternoon, Doctor.

Good to see you. You look smart.

Just been to the toilet.

Different route back, around the...

I mean, I finished earlier than I thought,so I just took my time.

I mean, you can take a long timenext time if you...

Good. Okay.

That's set.

Okay, it has to be...

Good.

Can you take a new walk-inbefore you leave, Dr. Pincus?

He seems to be in a lot of pain.

Life is pain.

Does that mean yes?

So we have an emergencyon our hands. I'm Dr. Pincus.

- Yes, we've met.- Oh, hi.

- Thanks for seeing me.- Yep.

What seems to be the problem?

I don't know.I think I must have cracked a filling.

That was silly.

Head back.

Let's have a look, shall we? Open up.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

Well, you've got the bite of an Inuit.

Have you been chewing seal hide?

Yeah, well,I tend to grind my teeth pretty hard

when I'm stressed and I'm...

I don't know.Last night was a tough one.

- I came home and Gwen was...- What?

- Gwen was...- Oh, no, never mind.

No, you were gonnasay something about...

Well, she was just...

- No, forget about it.- No, I can't forget about it.

- Just...- Well, it's nothing.

- Can we just get this...- Well, it is something

or you wouldn't have brought it up.And, you know...

- It's personal.- I know that,

but, I mean just to...

I'd rather not talk about it.

- Why don't we just...- "Finish what you started" is my motto.

- I'm a good listener. Please.- I'd rather not talk about it.

- Can we just...- Well, can you wait a minute then?

- I'm in pain.- Please.

Dr. Prashar?

Jahangir? That's his first name.

You're from a scary country, aren't you?

Excuse me.

- I'm from India.- Yeah.

So you're not a Christian, like us.

No, I'm a Hindu.

How would you extract informationfrom a hostile?

Well, as a Hindu person,

I would ask them politely.

Yeah, I just need a technique.

- Doctor, I'm with a patient.- Yeah. Okay.

So where were we?

You were telling me about Gwen.Something...

- No, I wasn't. I meant my tooth, yeah.- Tooth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Let's do this professionally.

All work and no play makes Jacka valuable member of society.

Open up.

- That hurts.- Did it? Well, take your word for that.

But it almost certainly wouldin this situation.

Do you know the worst thingin the world for teeth?

- Sugar?- Secrets.

If you tell me what's on your mind,you will feel better.

As I said before, Doctor, it's private.

I really would like to keep thison a professional footing.

Yes, please.

We can play it any way you want to.

Actually.

That's not Novocain.

No, it is a little dab of nitrous oxide.

Nitrous? I didn't know you guysstill used nitrous.

- Are there any side effects?- A few.

Some people laugh.Some people get sleepy.

But they all talk.

Hey, Frankie! Fancy seeing you here.

You back on the job yetor you need me to send more?

I got a couple Civil Warre-enactors that'll talk your ear off.

- They used live ammo.- Didn't get the news.

Job's done. Richard's history.

- What?- She dumped him last night.

- How do you know?- He told me. The marriage is off.

So he's out completely?

Well, he wants to stay friends,but she's done with him.

She said she was confusedabout her feelings

and it wasn't rightto string him along, so...

Why would Richard tell you all this?

Because I gave him700 milliliters of nitrous oxide.

- Is that a lot?- No. It's not fatal till 750.

You know, I think this soundsa lot like a premarital spat.

- I mean, young couples at this stage...- No. Definitely not.

- Very normal for them to start...- No, no, no.

...to get into this...- She's taken the job in Egypt.

She's going there for six months.

It's the real thing. She leaves Thursday,

right after the exhibition opens.

- Well, this is great news.- Yeah.

Yeah, we should maybe go celebrate,I guess.

- I can't.- Me, neither.

- Well, wait! What's in the bag?- Nothing.

Is that from a jewelry store?

- Oh, my gosh. Is that for Gwen?- It doesn't matter.

Well, whatever happenedto the "I will not interfere" thing?

There's nothing to interfere with now,is there?

The relationship's over!She doesn't love him.

And you think she's gonna love you?

A smock-wearing tooth jockey?I mean, I'm sorry.

You said that if I broke up the marriage,you'd leave me alone!

I broke up the marriage!Leave me alone!

Well, you should at least let mehelp you pick out something!

Do you have any idea how much"Please forgive me" jewelry

- I bought her over the years?- I can take it from here!

She loves Peruvian gold, but, Pincus,

- you're rushing things, I'm telling you!- Frank! Listen!

Our time together, as we both know,has been rather unpleasant.

But I will say this.Even though you're a vulgar man,

boorish, distasteful, uncouth,uneducated, stupid, at least...

- You gonna finish?- Done.

- Okay.- The point is this,

we finished what you had to finish.And who knows?

One day, not too soon I hope,we meet up again.

- Until then, this is our fond farewell.- Yeah, but...

But why am I still here?

Construction crane droppedtwo tons of steel on us.

That must have hurt.

It was a hydraulic leak. An act of God!

Why does he do those things?

But the crane operator,he thinks it's all his fault.

Oh, therapy time!

Don't panic. It's nothing.

A key chain.

I needed a key chain!

- I love it!- Oh, good.

I can't believe you remembered.That is just...

What a strangeand practical man you are.

It was down to thator a set of socket wrenches.

Well, I hope you didn't spend too much.

$140. The receipt's in the box.

No, well, you don't actuallyhave to tell people in that situation.

No, no, no.I'm just saying it was no big deal.

It's not likeit's Peruvian gold or anything.

And the reason I say thatis because there was a set of earrings

made from Peruvian gold in the shop,

and I thought, "Gwen would like those,

"but sorry,a little bit out of my price range. "

So...

What? Stop giving me the pirate look.

I just got you a gift and, you know,nothing ostentatious or pushy.

Just a little gesture to let you knowI've been thinking about you,

and I think you should accept it

in the spirit of friendshipwith which it was given.

"Pirate look"? How could youpossibly know about that?

- I don't.- You do.

- Common expression?- No.

How do you knowabout any of this stuff?

- Pirate look? Peruvian gold?- Everyone knows about Peruvian gold.

And then the other night,Frank's favorite drink?

Come on, take it easy.

- Don't tell me to take it easy.- You hate that.

How do you know what I hate?

Lucky guess. Can we start again?

Why don't you just tell her?Come on, spill it.

She's leaving anyway in a few days.

Gonna have to go with the truth,Dentist, no choice.

You've got about 10 secondsto start talking, buddy,

and then I'm out of here.

How do you knowthis stuff from my life with Frank?

- It'll sound crazy.- Try her.

Try me.

A couple of weeks ago, I went intohospital for a routine operation,

but there was complications.And I died. Just for a few minutes...

It's true! I can prove it!He's here, right now, with us.

You know what? Just stop.What you're doing, it's cruel.

How else would I know

all the things I know?

Well, you must have known Frank.

I don't know,maybe you were his dentist.

Ask me something else, then.Something that I couldn't possibly know.

- How do you get like you?- Please.

One question, and if I get it wrong,you'll never see me again.

Frank used to have this nightmareover and over.

He'd wake up in tears and he never toldanybody else about it, but me.

What was it?

Drowning.

I'd dream that I dove into the water,and I went down deep,

but when I turned aroundto make it back to the top,

I couldn't, no matter how hard I swam.

Drowning. He dived into the water,

and it didn't matter how hard he triedto get back to the surface, he couldn't.

That's right, isn't it?

Not even close.

No!

You know the first time I met you?

And then the next 10 or 12 timesafter that, I thought, "What a jerk. "

But then I got to know youa little bit, right?

And I convinced myselfthat I saw something human in you.

You know,"Maybe he's just a little eccentric,

"needs a little work. "

But to use intimate detailsabout my dead husband

in order to get close to me,or for God knows what other reason,

that's unforgivable.

You're sick.

- I love you.- Don't call me!

You lied. Why would you do that?

Because you'rea heartless son of a bitch

who doesn't give a rat's assabout anyone but himself.

She's already had one of those.

See you around, Dentist.

- What?- It's my daughter.

Yeah, you mentionedsomething about that.

She won't speak to her sister,her only sister.

She's so angry about the necklace I left,

but I slipped a letter under her doorthe day before I died.

It explained everything.

But there was carpeting in the entryway.

I didn't knowthe letter went under the carpet.

She never got it.

My God, you're boring, aren't you?

My little boy has a stuffed animal,a squirrel.

It was his favorite.He took it everywhere.

Couldn't get to sleep without it.But he lost it on the day I died.

They don't know it's justunder the front seat of the car.

It's right there, they just can't see it.

So now, he cries himself to sleepwithout it every night,

because to him that toy is me.

I can't help you.

You mean you won't help us.

Isn't that the truth?

Yeah, I'll tell youwhat else is true, shall I?

We live alone and then we die alone.

And, apparently, we stay alone.

That's the truth, too, isn't it?

- You idiot!- I'm sorry!

Unbelievable! Come on.

- Hello.- What a day.

Yeah, well, it appears thatwinter is upon us.

- Hail.- What?

It doesn't even havethe decency to snow.

Is there any more stupid formof precipitation than hail?

- No, I suppose that is the stupidest.- Jahangir?

- Yeah.- We're friends.

- Well...- Associates.

- Yeah.- We have things in common.

- Yeah.- We share stuff and...

Panoramic X-ray machine, for example.

- Yeah.- We're close.

- No, I wouldn't say that.- Not close, but... What the...

Well, that's not the point, is it?

Listen.

I met a woman.

The kind of a woman that

makes you want to go back in timeto before you met her.

Whatever the hell life was like then,it's not as bad as the hell now.

Knowing she's out thereand you can't have her.

What I'm trying to say is

could you write mea prescription for Percocet?

What?

Well, I can't prescribe myself, can I?

Legally. It's for my sleepand to pretend she never happened.

Or Darvon.

Or Vicodin.

Just like a 30 count, or 60,if you don't want

me to keep bothering you.And I'll be out of your hair.

I'm not even gonna ask for morphine.

Come with me.

- What are we doing?- Just sit down.

- No.- Sit down.

- Why?- Just sit down.

- Oh, look, never mind.- This is important. Look.

- Brilliant.- The other one.

Yep. As mass-produced posterslogans go, that's good.

Dr. Pincus, at some point in your life,you're gonna have to stop,

and ask yourself the ultimate question.

"This business of

"being such a fucking prick,

"what is it really getting me?"

You said something about a letter.

You should try it on.

Mom! Look what I found!

What? Where'd you find this?Where did it come from?

It fell out of his backpack.

Thank you.

Dr. Pincus?

Hi. Sorry, I didn't...

Thank you. Thank you so much!

I never realized.

Thanks.

...many insights into the lifeand death of King Pepi.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Gwen!

What are you doing here?

I've got to talk toyou. I've figured it out.

Please leave me alone.

It's all rubbish.What they tell us in ghost stories,

I think they've got it completely wrong.

Ghost stories.Could you not do this here tonight?

Look at Pepi. Okay, they buried him witheverything a dead guy doesn't need.

Household pets, money.

They even put his penis in a big jar.Why would they do that?

But you saw that penis.It wouldn't have fit in a little jar.

No, not why did they put it in a big...

Why'd they put it in a jar at all? Why?

What?

Why would they go to all that trouble forsomeone they'll never see again?

Because they love him

and they want to make surehe'll be okay.

Because if they know he's okay...

- Yes, they can let him go.- You were fabulous.

Thank you. That's very sweet of you.Appreciate it.

Exactly. They can let him go.

Frank's haunting you, Gwen. Let him go.

If he's haunting me,then shouldn't he let me go?

No. He can't. It's not him. It's you.

All this stuff about ghostshaving unfinished business,

it's us that are unfinished.

Let Frank go.

Let the pervert decay in peace.

Please, stop following me.

- It was wonderful! Thank you so much.- Yes, it's nice to see you both.

That came out all wrong.

I don't care how you knewall that stuff about Frank, okay?

- I don't care.- I told you, I'm trying to...

Maybe you guys werea couple of buddies.

- How about that?- No, no, no, no, no...

Two regular guys while he was alive,

and you went out drinkingand went to strip clubs

- and talked about your girlfriends...- Oh, my God.

...and laughed at your wives...

- I swear.- What was the matter with me?

Why didn't he love me?

I did love you. I still do.

He did love you.

Then why wasn't I enough?

You've got nothing to say to that,have you?

- What?- Useless.

Please. What do you thinkI'm gonna do, change?

- Well...- In all your life,

have you ever actually known anybodywho's changed at all, ever?

Why can't you make an effort,just for a few seconds?

I am who I am.

I suppose you're talkingto him right now?

- Is that what you want me to believe?- What do you want to tell him?

- What do you want to say?- I want an answer!

I want to knowwhy I wasn't enough for him.

It wasn't you that wasn't enough.

I don't know why I did the shit that I did.

And he doesn't knowwhy he did the things he did.

And you don't get any smarterjust because you're dead.

You don't get smarter after you die.

But I did see one thing,how much I hurt you.

But he's seenhow much he hurt you. And...

I'm so sorry, honey.

- What? What'd he say?- He said he's sorry.

That's it?

He's sorry?

Well, it was the way he said it, it was...

He's sorry. He's sorry.

- Heartfelt.- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Heartfelt.

Good guess. I got to go pack.

No, you should have heard it!I'm really not doing it justice!

Gwen! Wait!

Why should I talk to you?

You couldn't even get his dream right!

No, because he told me the wrongdream to try to make me look bad.

He stitched me up.

Then what's the right one?

Well, he's not here right now, is he?

- I can't check with him.- Oh, that's convenient.

No, it's not convenient.It's really inconvenient.

Listen, I'm not a liar, okay?

I've been a lot of things.I've been cold, selfish, self-centered.

I'm not a liar and I'm not lying now.

Gwen, I've lived morein the last few days

that I've spent with you, since I died,than I ever lived before I died,

back when I was living, the first time.Right? Do you know what I mean?

Nope.

Right. I'm born and then...

Someone call an ambulance!

Try to get help!

Somebody do something!

Oh, my God.

Now that is a real shame.

You were really gettingsomewhere with her, too.

- What's happening?- You ate it, pal.

Goddamned MTA strikes again.

These drivers, I mean,it's a menace, right?

No! No, I'm not dead!

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

I'm sorry, kiddo.

Come here, you. Kind of nice.

- Feels good.- I was just getting started!

Everything else, every minute up till nowhas just been a waste of time!

Just a warm-up!

Yeah.

- This is the worst part.- Somebody do...

- Watching her cry.- Do something!

Knowing she needs somebody tocomfort her and knowing it can't be you.

Has anyone called 911?

- Wait a minute.- You got to be kidding me.

Well, call them!

- Wait a minute.- Space! Give me space!

He's doing CPR. He knows CPR.Of course! He knows CPR.

Give him space, he needs space.

He's probably gonnacut open your chest

and massage your heart backto life with his bare hands.

Oh, Lord! Spare this man!

Okay, I really can't takethis guy anymore.

Honestly, really, I can't.

Come on!

Hey, Pincus, there's somethingI should tell you.

It might come in handyif you make it back.

You're gonna help me? Why?

Those tears she's crying,

those are for you, now.

Listen up.

I think my ride's here.

Dr. Pincus, always good to see you.

What happened?

You crossed the street when it said,"Don't walk. "

Not much of a lawsuit, I'm afraid.

Gwen.

Was there a woman here?

It's possible, but if she was unableto provide proof of kinship,

security would have escorted heroff the premises.

Nice work, guys.

- You went darker.- I went darker, yes.

Looks good. Makes your eyes pop.

Okay, Mr. Goldman, six months.

Remember, only flossthe ones you wanna keep.

Hi.

I didn't know you were back.

- Hi.- Hi.

I thought you were in Egypt.

I felt like sticking around. You're okay?

Yeah. Under the circumstances.

You know, I tried visiting youat the hospital, but they wouldn't...

Yeah, they run a tight ship over there

at Cooperative InstitutionalHealth Bastards.

You okay?

I have bad molar contact.

Sit down.I was wondering if you had that seen to.

I'm not. I actually madethe appointment with Dr. Prashar.

- Oh, no, of course. No... He's...- Well, I didn't know...

He's a lovely man.

And he's a better dentist than me,but don't tell him I said so.

Anyway, I'm glad to seeyou're looking well.

And you.

He's eight years old.

- Sorry? What?- Frank.

In his dream. The real one.

And he's walking in the woodswith his dad.

He's holding hands,but then suddenly, his dad's not there.

He tries to find his way backthe way he came,

but he keeps ending upback where he started,

and that's his nightmare.

That he's lostand he can't find his way home.

That's it.

Do you still see him?

He found his way home.

That's good.

It hurts when I smile.

I can fix that for you.

Special thanks to SergeiK.